Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 23 - Modern Warfare - full transcript
The sexual tension between Jeff and Britta becomes a hot topic among the study group. Meanwhile, what starts out as a simple contest for a chance at early class registration turns the peaceful campus of Greendale Community College into an all-out war zone. Friendships are tested, as only one student can be victorious.
[###]
Raisins don't belong
in a chocolate chip cookie.
It gives them depth.
Hey, watch it, punk.
What are you, 80?
He's trying to bring back disco.
I don't have to be old
to know it's not gonna happen.
What it is, soul brother.
My boys are gonna make me
breakfast in bed for Mother's Day.
I'm gonna make breakfast and get in
bed, but they're gonna bring it to me.
Aw.
ANNIE: Aw.
I know. They said
the cutest thing last night.
They said, "Mama,"
they call me Mama...
You're gonna be the fun police.
If I'm the fun police,
then you're director
of Funland Security.
[GROANING LOUDLY]
Good, more of this.
More of what?
What do you think?
The constant bickering.
It was cute at first, but...
Well, Abed explains it best.
Jeff and Britta is no Ross and Rachel.
Your sexual tension, lack of chemistry
are putting us on edge, ironically,
on every level,
you're keeping us from being friends.
Jeff and I
do not have sexual tension.
We just argue all the time.
Oh, just like Sam and Diane.
I hated Sam and Diane.
Who are Sam and Diane?
Okay, we get it. You're young.
Sorry.
See what you're doing to us?
Want my advice?
Pork her and move on.
We did it all the time in my day.
Yeah, you also put hydrogen
in blimps, that was bad.
PELTON:
Hey, everybody.
Just a reminder.
Our Spring Fling is on the quad today.
Music, food, activities. What, what?
He makes me uncomfortable.
Still in the room.
There's also going to be a game
of Paintball Assassin
with a prize for last man standing.
Or last man in a wheelchair
with no paint.
Or last woman.
Give it a rest, Britta.
What's the prize?
It was a Blu-ray DVD player,
but it was stolen.
So now it's TBD.
I want TBD. Is that new?
If it's what I think,
I had it in the '70s.
Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.
There's no Britta and Jeff.
He said, fully erect.
I'm gonna let you guys figure this out
while I go take a nap in my car.
What are you waiting for?
[HUMMING]
[GRUNTS]
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
[###]
[WOMAN SCREAMS
IN DISTANCE]
What the hell?
Hello?
[MAN GROANING]
What is going on?
The paintball game was starting,
and the dean...
The dean announced the prize.
The prize.
We turned on each other
like animals.
What was the prize?
Was?
This is not over.
This is still happening right now.
[YELLING]
Leonard? Leonard, I'm not playing.
Everyone's playing.
[###]
Aw.
You suck.
Come with me if
you don't want paint on your clothes.
[THUDDING]
Hey. Look what I found
wandering the neutral zone.
Jeff Winger.
[LAUGHING]
You son of a bitch.
[###]
I thought you were dead, man.
I was just taking a nap.
Has everyone lost their mind?
It's just a game of paintball.
Yeah. With one rule.
Last man standing gets the prize.
The prize.
The prize.
What is this prize?
[###]
You don't know.
Priority registration.
Priority registration?
That's why everyone's running
around like a bunch...
Does that mean what I think?
Like you could have first choice
of your classes next semester?
Easy, sugar bear.
But you could schedule
all your classes on a Monday
and take a six-day weekend.
You could do a lot of things.
Talk him through the hunger.
Every student wants that prize, Jeff.
No way to share it,
so we'll all turn on each other.
But the longer we wait
to do that... Jeff.
The longer we work together,
the longer we last.
Everyone running in packs?
Debate team was first,
they fell to infighting.
The glee club is luring stragglers
into sniper traps
with cheery renditions of songs.
Really?
And people fall for that?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm all for winning,
but let's not resort to cheap ploys.
Are the girls in the game?
Britta?
No, I don't mean Britta.
Did I say Britta?
Twice now.
[###]
Chess Club.
No, no, no.
He's a pawn.
Checkmate, bitches.
And tell the drama club
their tears will be real today.
[TROY LAUGHS]
STAR-BURNS: No, that's all sugar, man.
Get some protein.
PIERCE:
Right here. Peanuts.
STAR-BURNS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Peanuts, peanuts.
No, take the stuff out closer to you.
No, no.
The ones in the back
are the freshest.
STAR-BURNS:
That will keep us going. Yeah.
Hey.
What the hell?
I got you covered, bro.
You guys formed an alliance
without me?
Yeah. You with Star-Burns?
Not if I can be with you.
[PAINTBALL GUN FIRES]
[STAR-BURNS YELLS]
It's just Star-Burns.
Anyone else need a pee break?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll stand guard.
I don't need to pee.
I'm wearing a diaper for the game.
Oh, yeah.
For the game.
Hey, guys, make this quick before
Pierce's chewing attracts enemies.
[###]
Um, guys?
Hold it.
Don't move.
TROY: Drop it.
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
All right, everybody, be cool.
We can beat the others if we merge.
We're doing fine.
You win the game
camped on a crapper?
Worked on you.
Did it?
You have a gun in your face?
Matches yours.
Nice comeback.
Shut up.
Jeez.
Jeez.
Okay.
So the agreement is we're allies
until we're sure
we're the last seven standing.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Mm-hm.
Our team's walking with God.
I'm thinking we might already
be the only seven left,
in which case,
this is a window for the two of us
to take out the others.
Real nice, Troy, that'd be
great PR for the black students.
I am not an ambassador.
I am gladiator.
Now, you want to win or not?
Oh!
Troy made God mad.
Take cover.
[###]
SHIRLEY:
Run, Pierce.
[PEOPLE SINGING
IN DISTANCE]
Glee club.
How do you know it's the glee club?
Listen.
[SINGERS HARMONIZING]
SINGERS:
# Hit me with your best shot ##
Oh, brother.
That is so uninspired.
I'm not so sure.
I got a plan. Get ready.
Hey, Pierce.
Don't come over here, okay?
Screw you. I'm coming over there.
Medic.
In the trees. There.
[GROANING]
Write some original songs.
What are you gonna do
if you win priority registration?
I'll make my schedule airtight.
Maybe get out of here
in 3 years instead of 4.
I'd take any class with no tests
and no papers.
What would you do, Shirley?
SHIRLEY:
I'd choose all morning classes
so I could get home early
to spend some time with my boys.
It's hard being away from them
so much.
You know what?
I say if any of us win, we give it
to Shirley as a Mother's Day gift.
Absolutely.
JEFF: What?
Abed, you don't have to do that.
I am so sick of you guilting people
with your phony humanitarian shtick.
Phony?
When I win, you can watch me do it.
Of course,
but that won't make it less phony.
You'd be a lot more likeable...
If I never did anything for anybody?
Yeah. Because when you help people,
that always turns out great.
Let's do it.
[SQUEAKING]
Shh.
MAN [IN SING-SONG VOICE]:
Study group.
Come out and play.
Oh, look, it's post-ironic Disco Stu.
You still trying to bring it back?
[###]
Hi.
[SKATERS LAUGHING]
Damn, he brought it back.
[###]
MAN 1:
Put your hands in the air.
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
[CLICKS EMPTY]
MAN 2:
They shot us.
MAN 3:
It's hot, it's hot. Let's go, fool.
[PAINTBALL GUN FIRING
AND PEOPLE SCREAMING]
The last guy almost got me.
[###]
My legs.
Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry.
I'm going home, Britta.
I know, Shirley, I know.
No, seriously, I'm going home.
Can you help me up?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
Shirley, I'm gonna win
for you and your boys.
That's nice.
Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize,
but not for you and your boys.
SHIRLEY:
That's less nice.
Oh, my God, you've been hit.
What?
Oh, no.
Wait, wait.
It's blood.
I thought it was paint,
but I'm just bleeding.
Talk about luck.
I can't believe this game
is still going on. It's 2 a.m.
What if someone gets hurt
and the police come?
They'll think I'm a bad dean.
There's classes in the morning.
This has to stop.
Shh.
Put me in the game,
because I'll take everyone out.
I play paintball
three times a week, bro.
I'm one of the douches
who brings his own equipment.
But it wouldn't be fair.
You're not a student.
But you can change that,
can't you? Huh?
Enroll me in a class.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What are your interests?
Arts and crafts.
Oh, I do watercolors.
Oh, cool.
[###]
[LAUGHS]
The group would be thrilled.
The wounded soldier fantasy means
we're moments from doing it, right?
Yeah, can you feel that tension?
It's a miracle we still have clothes on.
You're right, you know.
I am a phony.
I try to act compassionate,
because I'm afraid that I'm not.
Oh, please, I invented phony.
You care about people.
I accuse you of faking to convince
myself I'm not such a jerk.
Jeff, you help people more than I do,
and you don't even want to.
You're not a jerk. You're fine.
Especially now that I've repaired
your overworked torso
with my trembling
feminine fingers.
Yes. Too much sexual tension.
Damn bursting.
[BABBLING]
It would totally serve them right
if we did it here in the study room.
God, could you imagine?
I can't stop imagining.
Neither can I.
[BABBLING]
We should get dressed before
the third-shift librarian shows up.
Yeah, we don't want this to turn
into a letter to Penthouse, right?
I think the group is right.
We did need to relieve some tension.
[###]
Tell me you didn't have sex with me
to win at paintball.
No, I had sex with you,
and I'm gonna win at paintball.
Don't be gross.
I'm gross?
You seem pretty practiced
at putting on panties one-handed
while holding a gun.
Can I get dressed
before you assassinate me?
So all that happened,
it meant nothing to you?
I didn't say that.
What did it mean to you?
I asked you first.
Very mature.
Said the woman wearing Hello Kitty.
Said the woman holding the gun.
You sure that's a gun?
Because maybe it's a metaphor
for your fake, jaded persona.
[CLICKS EMPTY]
Uh-oh.
No paintballs, Hans?
What do you think, I'm stupid?
When'd you take it?
When you started seducing.
I wasn't though. Assuming that
makes you way grosser.
Not when I'm right.
[###]
Buenos dias, children.
You'll be happy to know you made it till the end.
You're not even a student.
CHANG: Wrong.
Critical Media Literacy
and Politics of Gender, biatch.
Give me your clip.
Oh, that would be brilliant of me.
Look, you got the drop on me. I lost.
Let me do this for you.
Be pretty crazy
if I shot you right now, huh?
[###]
[CHANG CACKLING]
What's so funny, Chang?
Maybe it's the fact there's no such
thing as priority registration.
Or maybe it's this.
Ta-da.
[CHANG CACKLING]
[BEEPING]
JEFF:
Dean.
Just one moment.
Oh, hi there, Jeffrey.
That's a good look for you.
Everybody out there
is shooting each other
for nothing while you sit here
in your ivory tower.
Jeffrey, I can explain.
I messed up
when I promised priority registration.
It's a violation
of some student equality act,
but this isn't. Ta-da!
Okay, now, it's not Blu-ray, but it
comes with its own remote, so...
[###]
[SCREAMS]
Jeffrey.
[YELLING]
Jeffrey.
Jeffrey.
Jeffrey.
You get it all out of your system?
[###]
[LAUGHING]
Almost.
What do you want from me, Jeffrey?
Guess.
[SIGHS]
[###]
Oh, hi.
Hey, how's it going?
You still have some paint.
Oh, thanks.
Um, I was thinking...
You don't have to.
It didn't happen. It's not a mistake.
It didn't happen.
It was a crazy night of paintball.
Exactly. Tension relieving.
Absolutely. No need
to mention it to anyone.
Right, no big deal.
Nothing's changed.
Something's changed.
Oh, Abed. Crazy Abed.
No, something's different now.
Could be me. Sporting a man-thong.
Maybe.
Or maybe it's that I
have emerged victorious
with a priority registration form.
Well done, Jeff.
And in recognition of her bravery,
not to mention her children,
I hereby award this
to the best soldier, Shirley.
Now, the bad news is,
for legal purposes,
next semester,
if anybody asks, you have gout.
Do you mind walking with a limp?
Mm.
Thank you, Jeffrey.
Look, Annie.
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Neither did I.
So no one feels it?
No one senses anything's different?
Nope.
Not at all.
It's riding up a little.
[###]
TROY: Hey, Abed, it's Troy.
I'll meet you at the flagpole in...
[BEEPS]
WOMAN [ON RECORDING]: If you are satisfied
with your message, press one.
To erase and re-record...
Hey, Abed, it's Troy.
Yo, I'll meet you at the flagpole
in like...
If you are satisfied
with your message...
[IN HIGH VOICE] Hey, Abed.
It's Troy. Heh-hooh.
If you are satisfied
with your message...
In how many minutes
are you gonna meet him?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Ten minutes.
To listen to your message...
Abed, your girlfriend will meet you
at the flagpole in 10 minutes.
Goodbye.
If you are satisfied
with your message, press one.
To erase and re-record...
Did I sound like a jerk?
To listen to your message,
press three.
To send...
[BEEPS]
Hey, Abed, sorry to bother you.
Troy will meet you at the
flagpole in 10 minutes.
Okay.
If you are satisfied...
Maybe just send a text message.
Yeah.
Raisins don't belong
in a chocolate chip cookie.
It gives them depth.
Hey, watch it, punk.
What are you, 80?
He's trying to bring back disco.
I don't have to be old
to know it's not gonna happen.
What it is, soul brother.
My boys are gonna make me
breakfast in bed for Mother's Day.
I'm gonna make breakfast and get in
bed, but they're gonna bring it to me.
Aw.
ANNIE: Aw.
I know. They said
the cutest thing last night.
They said, "Mama,"
they call me Mama...
You're gonna be the fun police.
If I'm the fun police,
then you're director
of Funland Security.
[GROANING LOUDLY]
Good, more of this.
More of what?
What do you think?
The constant bickering.
It was cute at first, but...
Well, Abed explains it best.
Jeff and Britta is no Ross and Rachel.
Your sexual tension, lack of chemistry
are putting us on edge, ironically,
on every level,
you're keeping us from being friends.
Jeff and I
do not have sexual tension.
We just argue all the time.
Oh, just like Sam and Diane.
I hated Sam and Diane.
Who are Sam and Diane?
Okay, we get it. You're young.
Sorry.
See what you're doing to us?
Want my advice?
Pork her and move on.
We did it all the time in my day.
Yeah, you also put hydrogen
in blimps, that was bad.
PELTON:
Hey, everybody.
Just a reminder.
Our Spring Fling is on the quad today.
Music, food, activities. What, what?
He makes me uncomfortable.
Still in the room.
There's also going to be a game
of Paintball Assassin
with a prize for last man standing.
Or last man in a wheelchair
with no paint.
Or last woman.
Give it a rest, Britta.
What's the prize?
It was a Blu-ray DVD player,
but it was stolen.
So now it's TBD.
I want TBD. Is that new?
If it's what I think,
I had it in the '70s.
Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.
There's no Britta and Jeff.
He said, fully erect.
I'm gonna let you guys figure this out
while I go take a nap in my car.
What are you waiting for?
[HUMMING]
[GRUNTS]
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
[###]
[WOMAN SCREAMS
IN DISTANCE]
What the hell?
Hello?
[MAN GROANING]
What is going on?
The paintball game was starting,
and the dean...
The dean announced the prize.
The prize.
We turned on each other
like animals.
What was the prize?
Was?
This is not over.
This is still happening right now.
[YELLING]
Leonard? Leonard, I'm not playing.
Everyone's playing.
[###]
Aw.
You suck.
Come with me if
you don't want paint on your clothes.
[THUDDING]
Hey. Look what I found
wandering the neutral zone.
Jeff Winger.
[LAUGHING]
You son of a bitch.
[###]
I thought you were dead, man.
I was just taking a nap.
Has everyone lost their mind?
It's just a game of paintball.
Yeah. With one rule.
Last man standing gets the prize.
The prize.
The prize.
What is this prize?
[###]
You don't know.
Priority registration.
Priority registration?
That's why everyone's running
around like a bunch...
Does that mean what I think?
Like you could have first choice
of your classes next semester?
Easy, sugar bear.
But you could schedule
all your classes on a Monday
and take a six-day weekend.
You could do a lot of things.
Talk him through the hunger.
Every student wants that prize, Jeff.
No way to share it,
so we'll all turn on each other.
But the longer we wait
to do that... Jeff.
The longer we work together,
the longer we last.
Everyone running in packs?
Debate team was first,
they fell to infighting.
The glee club is luring stragglers
into sniper traps
with cheery renditions of songs.
Really?
And people fall for that?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm all for winning,
but let's not resort to cheap ploys.
Are the girls in the game?
Britta?
No, I don't mean Britta.
Did I say Britta?
Twice now.
[###]
Chess Club.
No, no, no.
He's a pawn.
Checkmate, bitches.
And tell the drama club
their tears will be real today.
[TROY LAUGHS]
STAR-BURNS: No, that's all sugar, man.
Get some protein.
PIERCE:
Right here. Peanuts.
STAR-BURNS: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Peanuts, peanuts.
No, take the stuff out closer to you.
No, no.
The ones in the back
are the freshest.
STAR-BURNS:
That will keep us going. Yeah.
Hey.
What the hell?
I got you covered, bro.
You guys formed an alliance
without me?
Yeah. You with Star-Burns?
Not if I can be with you.
[PAINTBALL GUN FIRES]
[STAR-BURNS YELLS]
It's just Star-Burns.
Anyone else need a pee break?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll stand guard.
I don't need to pee.
I'm wearing a diaper for the game.
Oh, yeah.
For the game.
Hey, guys, make this quick before
Pierce's chewing attracts enemies.
[###]
Um, guys?
Hold it.
Don't move.
TROY: Drop it.
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
All right, everybody, be cool.
We can beat the others if we merge.
We're doing fine.
You win the game
camped on a crapper?
Worked on you.
Did it?
You have a gun in your face?
Matches yours.
Nice comeback.
Shut up.
Jeez.
Jeez.
Okay.
So the agreement is we're allies
until we're sure
we're the last seven standing.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Mm-hm.
Our team's walking with God.
I'm thinking we might already
be the only seven left,
in which case,
this is a window for the two of us
to take out the others.
Real nice, Troy, that'd be
great PR for the black students.
I am not an ambassador.
I am gladiator.
Now, you want to win or not?
Oh!
Troy made God mad.
Take cover.
[###]
SHIRLEY:
Run, Pierce.
[PEOPLE SINGING
IN DISTANCE]
Glee club.
How do you know it's the glee club?
Listen.
[SINGERS HARMONIZING]
SINGERS:
# Hit me with your best shot ##
Oh, brother.
That is so uninspired.
I'm not so sure.
I got a plan. Get ready.
Hey, Pierce.
Don't come over here, okay?
Screw you. I'm coming over there.
Medic.
In the trees. There.
[GROANING]
Write some original songs.
What are you gonna do
if you win priority registration?
I'll make my schedule airtight.
Maybe get out of here
in 3 years instead of 4.
I'd take any class with no tests
and no papers.
What would you do, Shirley?
SHIRLEY:
I'd choose all morning classes
so I could get home early
to spend some time with my boys.
It's hard being away from them
so much.
You know what?
I say if any of us win, we give it
to Shirley as a Mother's Day gift.
Absolutely.
JEFF: What?
Abed, you don't have to do that.
I am so sick of you guilting people
with your phony humanitarian shtick.
Phony?
When I win, you can watch me do it.
Of course,
but that won't make it less phony.
You'd be a lot more likeable...
If I never did anything for anybody?
Yeah. Because when you help people,
that always turns out great.
Let's do it.
[SQUEAKING]
Shh.
MAN [IN SING-SONG VOICE]:
Study group.
Come out and play.
Oh, look, it's post-ironic Disco Stu.
You still trying to bring it back?
[###]
Hi.
[SKATERS LAUGHING]
Damn, he brought it back.
[###]
MAN 1:
Put your hands in the air.
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
[CLICKS EMPTY]
MAN 2:
They shot us.
MAN 3:
It's hot, it's hot. Let's go, fool.
[PAINTBALL GUN FIRING
AND PEOPLE SCREAMING]
The last guy almost got me.
[###]
My legs.
Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry.
I'm going home, Britta.
I know, Shirley, I know.
No, seriously, I'm going home.
Can you help me up?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
Shirley, I'm gonna win
for you and your boys.
That's nice.
Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize,
but not for you and your boys.
SHIRLEY:
That's less nice.
Oh, my God, you've been hit.
What?
Oh, no.
Wait, wait.
It's blood.
I thought it was paint,
but I'm just bleeding.
Talk about luck.
I can't believe this game
is still going on. It's 2 a.m.
What if someone gets hurt
and the police come?
They'll think I'm a bad dean.
There's classes in the morning.
This has to stop.
Shh.
Put me in the game,
because I'll take everyone out.
I play paintball
three times a week, bro.
I'm one of the douches
who brings his own equipment.
But it wouldn't be fair.
You're not a student.
But you can change that,
can't you? Huh?
Enroll me in a class.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What are your interests?
Arts and crafts.
Oh, I do watercolors.
Oh, cool.
[###]
[LAUGHS]
The group would be thrilled.
The wounded soldier fantasy means
we're moments from doing it, right?
Yeah, can you feel that tension?
It's a miracle we still have clothes on.
You're right, you know.
I am a phony.
I try to act compassionate,
because I'm afraid that I'm not.
Oh, please, I invented phony.
You care about people.
I accuse you of faking to convince
myself I'm not such a jerk.
Jeff, you help people more than I do,
and you don't even want to.
You're not a jerk. You're fine.
Especially now that I've repaired
your overworked torso
with my trembling
feminine fingers.
Yes. Too much sexual tension.
Damn bursting.
[BABBLING]
It would totally serve them right
if we did it here in the study room.
God, could you imagine?
I can't stop imagining.
Neither can I.
[BABBLING]
We should get dressed before
the third-shift librarian shows up.
Yeah, we don't want this to turn
into a letter to Penthouse, right?
I think the group is right.
We did need to relieve some tension.
[###]
Tell me you didn't have sex with me
to win at paintball.
No, I had sex with you,
and I'm gonna win at paintball.
Don't be gross.
I'm gross?
You seem pretty practiced
at putting on panties one-handed
while holding a gun.
Can I get dressed
before you assassinate me?
So all that happened,
it meant nothing to you?
I didn't say that.
What did it mean to you?
I asked you first.
Very mature.
Said the woman wearing Hello Kitty.
Said the woman holding the gun.
You sure that's a gun?
Because maybe it's a metaphor
for your fake, jaded persona.
[CLICKS EMPTY]
Uh-oh.
No paintballs, Hans?
What do you think, I'm stupid?
When'd you take it?
When you started seducing.
I wasn't though. Assuming that
makes you way grosser.
Not when I'm right.
[###]
Buenos dias, children.
You'll be happy to know you made it till the end.
You're not even a student.
CHANG: Wrong.
Critical Media Literacy
and Politics of Gender, biatch.
Give me your clip.
Oh, that would be brilliant of me.
Look, you got the drop on me. I lost.
Let me do this for you.
Be pretty crazy
if I shot you right now, huh?
[###]
[CHANG CACKLING]
What's so funny, Chang?
Maybe it's the fact there's no such
thing as priority registration.
Or maybe it's this.
Ta-da.
[CHANG CACKLING]
[BEEPING]
JEFF:
Dean.
Just one moment.
Oh, hi there, Jeffrey.
That's a good look for you.
Everybody out there
is shooting each other
for nothing while you sit here
in your ivory tower.
Jeffrey, I can explain.
I messed up
when I promised priority registration.
It's a violation
of some student equality act,
but this isn't. Ta-da!
Okay, now, it's not Blu-ray, but it
comes with its own remote, so...
[###]
[SCREAMS]
Jeffrey.
[YELLING]
Jeffrey.
Jeffrey.
Jeffrey.
You get it all out of your system?
[###]
[LAUGHING]
Almost.
What do you want from me, Jeffrey?
Guess.
[SIGHS]
[###]
Oh, hi.
Hey, how's it going?
You still have some paint.
Oh, thanks.
Um, I was thinking...
You don't have to.
It didn't happen. It's not a mistake.
It didn't happen.
It was a crazy night of paintball.
Exactly. Tension relieving.
Absolutely. No need
to mention it to anyone.
Right, no big deal.
Nothing's changed.
Something's changed.
Oh, Abed. Crazy Abed.
No, something's different now.
Could be me. Sporting a man-thong.
Maybe.
Or maybe it's that I
have emerged victorious
with a priority registration form.
Well done, Jeff.
And in recognition of her bravery,
not to mention her children,
I hereby award this
to the best soldier, Shirley.
Now, the bad news is,
for legal purposes,
next semester,
if anybody asks, you have gout.
Do you mind walking with a limp?
Mm.
Thank you, Jeffrey.
Look, Annie.
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Neither did I.
So no one feels it?
No one senses anything's different?
Nope.
Not at all.
It's riding up a little.
[###]
TROY: Hey, Abed, it's Troy.
I'll meet you at the flagpole in...
[BEEPS]
WOMAN [ON RECORDING]: If you are satisfied
with your message, press one.
To erase and re-record...
Hey, Abed, it's Troy.
Yo, I'll meet you at the flagpole
in like...
If you are satisfied
with your message...
[IN HIGH VOICE] Hey, Abed.
It's Troy. Heh-hooh.
If you are satisfied
with your message...
In how many minutes
are you gonna meet him?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Ten minutes.
To listen to your message...
Abed, your girlfriend will meet you
at the flagpole in 10 minutes.
Goodbye.
If you are satisfied
with your message, press one.
To erase and re-record...
Did I sound like a jerk?
To listen to your message,
press three.
To send...
[BEEPS]
Hey, Abed, sorry to bother you.
Troy will meet you at the
flagpole in 10 minutes.
Okay.
If you are satisfied...
Maybe just send a text message.
Yeah.