Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - How Would You Kill Superman? - full transcript
Jerry transports Patton Oswalt Back to the Future in a 1981 DeLorean DMC12. They travel to The Handsome Coffee Roasters in downtown LA via Uber when the DMC12 blows a coolant hose. Then a backup DeLorean arrives on a flatbed for the return leg of the journey.
English subtitles ripped by antsh
Come on.
This is a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12.
"DMC" stands for
DeLorean Motor Company.
The company was started
by John Z. DeLorean.
The cars were built
in Belfast, Ireland...
...with the financial assistance
of Johnny Carson and Sammy Davis, Jr.
Belfast, two celebrities....
I don't know why it didn't work out.
It famously appears in the movie
Back to the Future.
I always like the line the professor says:
"If you're gonna build a time machine
into a car, why not do it with some style?"
It does have some interesting features:
Gull-wing doors...
...unpainted stainless steel body panels
by one of the great Italian designers...
...and a rear-mounted engine.
-Patton Oswalt.
-Jerry!
You can't even believe
this is happening, can you?
I'm sure I'm gonna wake up
a few times.
In show business, when someone says,
"We should do that thing"....
That was a way to peel off
of whoever you were talking to...
...at the party
and get to somebody else.
-To what?
-Well, you picked...
...the overweight 44-year-old hipster
to hook up with...
...because I'm gonna take you
right to the heart of Generation Y.
Great. Let's go back to the future.
I'll pick you up in two minutes.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Today my guest is Patton Oswalt.
Patton is a very clever
stand-up comedian, writer, actor...
...and he was the voice
of Remy in the film Ratatouille.
I know him because
the very first acting job of his life...
...was on a '90s TV series
called Seinfeld.
-What do you think of that?
-Oh, Jerry.
Every thought just flew out of my head.
I'm gonna actually drive a DeLorean.
This has dark cultural history
attached to it, man.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-This is '80s hubris.
The gull wing is so pretentious, isn't it?
It's so not helpful.
No, it's just when you pull up to a place
and you want people to go, "Who's that?"
Once this thing hits 88 miles an hour,
we're gonna be genuinely surprised.
We went 20 feet.
You see the stance of fear?
I have Uber on my cell phone.
-I'm not feeling a bit, are you?
-The only thing that makes it...
...possibly a bit is that it's a DeLorean.
And in a weird way, you and I
are reliving, symbolically...
...the whole rise and fall.
-This is--
-That sounds like a panel story to me.
I didn't know we had different categor--
That's panel, my friend.
Please. Is panel better than a bit?
-Is panel--? Oh, okay.
-No.
There's nothing better than a bit.
-A killer bit.
-A bit...
...is a bar of gold.
A talk-show panel story is something
that's too good to throw out...
-...but not good enough to use.
-Right.
Like this car.
What did Roger Ebert say?
"No good movie is long enough.
No bad movie is short enough."
-That's a good line.
-Yeah.
"Long" and "short" are code words
for good and bad.
Exactly, yeah.
There are 8-second videos I can't watch
two seconds of, they're so bad.
Can't get through the third second.
You never had to deal
with network notes?
-No. No, never got them.
-You're like a unicorn.
-Yeah.
-I'd be writing on sketch shows.
They would literally say,
"The Hitler sketch is really funny.
Does he have to be so anti-Semitic?"
When DC did their "Death of Superman,"
it was this huge event...
...it was in TIME magazine.
And six months later,
they're like, "Yeah, he's alive."
Okay, now, I wanna ask you,
how would you have killed Superman?
Superman gets his powers
from our yellow sun...
...but he's here every day
soaking up that energy.
-Yeah.
-Make it a thing where it's like...
...the longer he stays,
it's starting to kill him...
...then there's
a massive disaster looming.
"Do I stay and stop this thing,
but then die in the process...
...or leave and save myself?"
That's really good story thinking
you just did there.
I would like to see your screenplays.
I'm just joking. I have no interest.
All right, let's go Uber.
This is a 2012 Honda Accord SE sedan,
driven by Yuri.
He's 34 years old,
originally from Armenia.
Yuri came because we called Uber.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this...
How you doing?
...is another try at
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Tell me about this place
that we're going.
This is your selection. Tell me,
why would anyone ever be downtown?
Because downtown
is slowly turning into Brooklyn.
I get it. Everybody needs a Brooklyn.
Look at this industrial kind of wasteland,
and then in the middle of it...
...there's this coffee shop
someone opened.
In this sketch neighborhood. Like,
"Damn it, we're gonna do it anyway."
There's a lot of independent movie
scripts that get started in coffee shops.
A lot of screenwriters
working on page seven...
...before they went over
to check their Facebook and quit.
We're going to a place called
the Handsome Coffee Roasters.
Their life is just coffee.
And it's the most perfect coffee.
I am excited!
Is this it?
-Boy, there's only two things?
-This is serious stuff, man.
-What about sweetener?
-Do you have sugar?
We carry no sweeteners here.
No sweeteners at the
Handsome Coffee Roasters, my friend.
In these coffee shops,
they give everything clever names.
"The Hell Cow," "The Night Watch."
-"Satan's Crowbar."
-Satan's Crowbar is good.
Let me ask you this question:
When you watch Keith Olbermann now
doing the wrap-up...
-...of a baseball game...
-Right.
...after being this insane
political demagogue....
And I like Olbermann,
but this career move...
-...is a pretty funny one to me.
-It's beyond lateral.
-Yeah.
-It's sideways reversal. How do you--?
He was all but calling out
the commander in chief to step down.
-Yes.
-And now he's saying:
"You can't take a lead that big
off of second in the seventh inning."
With the same energy.
Imagine driving a car 90,
then throwing it in reverse.
See what happens.
Like, that's what he's doing.
One thing I love is when
the manager walks out to the mound...
...and you know he has to tell the pitcher,
"We gotta take you out."
And you just see his face,
he's just so upset...
...and no dialogue,
it's like silent movie acting.
And the pitcher
is sort of starting to deflate.
And the manager--
Always the manager just struts back.
How about the ball thing,
"Give me the ball"?
Like that's the only ball.
-Yeah.
-You know? We got a million balls here.
It's, "Give me that one you got.
I want yours."
-It's a symbol.
-I know.
"Your gun and your badge.
Put them on my desk.
Now." "Really?
Because there's other guns here."
"I don't-- Give me your gun."
Look, there's a DeLorean
on the back of a flatbed.
Maybe that's how
they should sell them.
-"You sit, you get a driver with it--"
-"We sell you the pickup, the flatbed.
You just drive it around."
Give me the downtown L.A. starter kit.
What do you need?
Here's what you need. You need, like,
a World War I British messenger bag...
...that they would--
That's what you put your laptop in.
You need very comfortable sneakers...
...but they have to be the kind
that you went to a pop-up store...
...when they were making them,
custom designs.
-So the door has to be cardboard.
-Literally, yeah.
You need a really over-bred,
not-healthy dog...
...a French bulldog or something...
...that's been bred for a certain look
but it's also dying.
Walk that around. It has to have a harness
because its neck is all messed up.
You have to be very white.
And you're all about, "I'm very, very
comfortable with diversity"...
...but secretly
you're terrified of other races.
I see. Any bright colors allowed,
or do we have to keep it subdued?
-Very, very subdued.
-Why? Because we're depressed?
No, because, hey, you're serious, man.
You're serious.
If you have bright colors,
it'll either be on your Etsy site...
-Right.
-...or it's gonna be in the bit...
...of graffiti art that you paid to be put
on the inside of your work loft space.
To show how eclectic
and dangerous you are.
You ruined this neighborhood
for yourself.
-I know--
-Now you can't move down here.
Who's your favorite superhero?
Oh, he took the long pause there.
That was a heavy pause.
My kid asked me the other day,
do I believe in God?
And I didn't take that long...
...as you just took.
The weight on your shoulders.
-The two--
-No, there's no two.
Who is your favorite superhero?
I think my favorite superhero
is Spider-Man.
As I get older, it's Spider-Man.
-As you get older?
-Yeah, because...
...it is the one superhero comic where:
"Should I be out crime-fighting
if I wanna have a family?
Maybe I should stop.
Does the city really need me?"
So you like all that self-doubt.
What a surprise.
I'm waiting for someone to come in here
that looks like me.
You're gonna be waiting a long time,
my friend.
You may have to settle for
you with a handlebar mustache.
Wait, wait, wait. Hang on.
There was more than one of these?
You had a backup DeLorean?
-Yeah.
-You had a DeLorean, a spare?
Spare DeLorean.
If you're gonna get into DeLoreans....
You better have a spare.
-I have a kid, and every day...
-Right.
...is an endless potential for,
"Oh, wait...
...that's how something
can affect you for life."
She has all these favorite shows...
...Doc McStuffins and Mickey Mouse
Club, kid shows.
-Right?
-Right.
Remember they remade The Wolfman
with Benicio Del Toro.
I swear to God, I turned the TV on,
and it was the exact moment...
...when he is just "Wolfman-ed" out.
I mean...
-...shirt in tatters and...
-Oh, no!
...blood, blood, blood.
And screaming, like, at the camera,
that big roar.
My daughter didn't scream or cry,
but she did that thing...
...where she gets really still
and her eyes got really wide.
And in my mind, like, it's all
implanting on her brain right now.
-Oh, God.
-And I saw, like...
...into the future, she's a 26-year-old
heroin addict going:
"Yeah, the heroin takes care of
the werewolf nightmares, Dad, thanks."
You do not know
what's going to screw them up.
-Tell you what it won't be.
-What?
-Whatever you think it is.
-Yes!
It's gonna be that mint-chip cone
that you buy her.
"Why was there little black things
in my ice cream?"
Jerry, you're leaking coolant.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...
...after this brief word
from our sponsor.
This is so great.
These guys do
barista and roasting competitions.
They go do it competitively.
His next competition is in February...
...and it qualifies him,
if he wins, for the nationals.
-The nationals?
-In Portland.
-And there's world ones.
-Where are the worlds?
-Dublin.
-Dublin.
Dublin, Ireland. Of course.
Well, they make great cars.
Come on.
This is a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12.
"DMC" stands for
DeLorean Motor Company.
The company was started
by John Z. DeLorean.
The cars were built
in Belfast, Ireland...
...with the financial assistance
of Johnny Carson and Sammy Davis, Jr.
Belfast, two celebrities....
I don't know why it didn't work out.
It famously appears in the movie
Back to the Future.
I always like the line the professor says:
"If you're gonna build a time machine
into a car, why not do it with some style?"
It does have some interesting features:
Gull-wing doors...
...unpainted stainless steel body panels
by one of the great Italian designers...
...and a rear-mounted engine.
-Patton Oswalt.
-Jerry!
You can't even believe
this is happening, can you?
I'm sure I'm gonna wake up
a few times.
In show business, when someone says,
"We should do that thing"....
That was a way to peel off
of whoever you were talking to...
...at the party
and get to somebody else.
-To what?
-Well, you picked...
...the overweight 44-year-old hipster
to hook up with...
...because I'm gonna take you
right to the heart of Generation Y.
Great. Let's go back to the future.
I'll pick you up in two minutes.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Today my guest is Patton Oswalt.
Patton is a very clever
stand-up comedian, writer, actor...
...and he was the voice
of Remy in the film Ratatouille.
I know him because
the very first acting job of his life...
...was on a '90s TV series
called Seinfeld.
-What do you think of that?
-Oh, Jerry.
Every thought just flew out of my head.
I'm gonna actually drive a DeLorean.
This has dark cultural history
attached to it, man.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-This is '80s hubris.
The gull wing is so pretentious, isn't it?
It's so not helpful.
No, it's just when you pull up to a place
and you want people to go, "Who's that?"
Once this thing hits 88 miles an hour,
we're gonna be genuinely surprised.
We went 20 feet.
You see the stance of fear?
I have Uber on my cell phone.
-I'm not feeling a bit, are you?
-The only thing that makes it...
...possibly a bit is that it's a DeLorean.
And in a weird way, you and I
are reliving, symbolically...
...the whole rise and fall.
-This is--
-That sounds like a panel story to me.
I didn't know we had different categor--
That's panel, my friend.
Please. Is panel better than a bit?
-Is panel--? Oh, okay.
-No.
There's nothing better than a bit.
-A killer bit.
-A bit...
...is a bar of gold.
A talk-show panel story is something
that's too good to throw out...
-...but not good enough to use.
-Right.
Like this car.
What did Roger Ebert say?
"No good movie is long enough.
No bad movie is short enough."
-That's a good line.
-Yeah.
"Long" and "short" are code words
for good and bad.
Exactly, yeah.
There are 8-second videos I can't watch
two seconds of, they're so bad.
Can't get through the third second.
You never had to deal
with network notes?
-No. No, never got them.
-You're like a unicorn.
-Yeah.
-I'd be writing on sketch shows.
They would literally say,
"The Hitler sketch is really funny.
Does he have to be so anti-Semitic?"
When DC did their "Death of Superman,"
it was this huge event...
...it was in TIME magazine.
And six months later,
they're like, "Yeah, he's alive."
Okay, now, I wanna ask you,
how would you have killed Superman?
Superman gets his powers
from our yellow sun...
...but he's here every day
soaking up that energy.
-Yeah.
-Make it a thing where it's like...
...the longer he stays,
it's starting to kill him...
...then there's
a massive disaster looming.
"Do I stay and stop this thing,
but then die in the process...
...or leave and save myself?"
That's really good story thinking
you just did there.
I would like to see your screenplays.
I'm just joking. I have no interest.
All right, let's go Uber.
This is a 2012 Honda Accord SE sedan,
driven by Yuri.
He's 34 years old,
originally from Armenia.
Yuri came because we called Uber.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this...
How you doing?
...is another try at
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
Tell me about this place
that we're going.
This is your selection. Tell me,
why would anyone ever be downtown?
Because downtown
is slowly turning into Brooklyn.
I get it. Everybody needs a Brooklyn.
Look at this industrial kind of wasteland,
and then in the middle of it...
...there's this coffee shop
someone opened.
In this sketch neighborhood. Like,
"Damn it, we're gonna do it anyway."
There's a lot of independent movie
scripts that get started in coffee shops.
A lot of screenwriters
working on page seven...
...before they went over
to check their Facebook and quit.
We're going to a place called
the Handsome Coffee Roasters.
Their life is just coffee.
And it's the most perfect coffee.
I am excited!
Is this it?
-Boy, there's only two things?
-This is serious stuff, man.
-What about sweetener?
-Do you have sugar?
We carry no sweeteners here.
No sweeteners at the
Handsome Coffee Roasters, my friend.
In these coffee shops,
they give everything clever names.
"The Hell Cow," "The Night Watch."
-"Satan's Crowbar."
-Satan's Crowbar is good.
Let me ask you this question:
When you watch Keith Olbermann now
doing the wrap-up...
-...of a baseball game...
-Right.
...after being this insane
political demagogue....
And I like Olbermann,
but this career move...
-...is a pretty funny one to me.
-It's beyond lateral.
-Yeah.
-It's sideways reversal. How do you--?
He was all but calling out
the commander in chief to step down.
-Yes.
-And now he's saying:
"You can't take a lead that big
off of second in the seventh inning."
With the same energy.
Imagine driving a car 90,
then throwing it in reverse.
See what happens.
Like, that's what he's doing.
One thing I love is when
the manager walks out to the mound...
...and you know he has to tell the pitcher,
"We gotta take you out."
And you just see his face,
he's just so upset...
...and no dialogue,
it's like silent movie acting.
And the pitcher
is sort of starting to deflate.
And the manager--
Always the manager just struts back.
How about the ball thing,
"Give me the ball"?
Like that's the only ball.
-Yeah.
-You know? We got a million balls here.
It's, "Give me that one you got.
I want yours."
-It's a symbol.
-I know.
"Your gun and your badge.
Put them on my desk.
Now." "Really?
Because there's other guns here."
"I don't-- Give me your gun."
Look, there's a DeLorean
on the back of a flatbed.
Maybe that's how
they should sell them.
-"You sit, you get a driver with it--"
-"We sell you the pickup, the flatbed.
You just drive it around."
Give me the downtown L.A. starter kit.
What do you need?
Here's what you need. You need, like,
a World War I British messenger bag...
...that they would--
That's what you put your laptop in.
You need very comfortable sneakers...
...but they have to be the kind
that you went to a pop-up store...
...when they were making them,
custom designs.
-So the door has to be cardboard.
-Literally, yeah.
You need a really over-bred,
not-healthy dog...
...a French bulldog or something...
...that's been bred for a certain look
but it's also dying.
Walk that around. It has to have a harness
because its neck is all messed up.
You have to be very white.
And you're all about, "I'm very, very
comfortable with diversity"...
...but secretly
you're terrified of other races.
I see. Any bright colors allowed,
or do we have to keep it subdued?
-Very, very subdued.
-Why? Because we're depressed?
No, because, hey, you're serious, man.
You're serious.
If you have bright colors,
it'll either be on your Etsy site...
-Right.
-...or it's gonna be in the bit...
...of graffiti art that you paid to be put
on the inside of your work loft space.
To show how eclectic
and dangerous you are.
You ruined this neighborhood
for yourself.
-I know--
-Now you can't move down here.
Who's your favorite superhero?
Oh, he took the long pause there.
That was a heavy pause.
My kid asked me the other day,
do I believe in God?
And I didn't take that long...
...as you just took.
The weight on your shoulders.
-The two--
-No, there's no two.
Who is your favorite superhero?
I think my favorite superhero
is Spider-Man.
As I get older, it's Spider-Man.
-As you get older?
-Yeah, because...
...it is the one superhero comic where:
"Should I be out crime-fighting
if I wanna have a family?
Maybe I should stop.
Does the city really need me?"
So you like all that self-doubt.
What a surprise.
I'm waiting for someone to come in here
that looks like me.
You're gonna be waiting a long time,
my friend.
You may have to settle for
you with a handlebar mustache.
Wait, wait, wait. Hang on.
There was more than one of these?
You had a backup DeLorean?
-Yeah.
-You had a DeLorean, a spare?
Spare DeLorean.
If you're gonna get into DeLoreans....
You better have a spare.
-I have a kid, and every day...
-Right.
...is an endless potential for,
"Oh, wait...
...that's how something
can affect you for life."
She has all these favorite shows...
...Doc McStuffins and Mickey Mouse
Club, kid shows.
-Right?
-Right.
Remember they remade The Wolfman
with Benicio Del Toro.
I swear to God, I turned the TV on,
and it was the exact moment...
...when he is just "Wolfman-ed" out.
I mean...
-...shirt in tatters and...
-Oh, no!
...blood, blood, blood.
And screaming, like, at the camera,
that big roar.
My daughter didn't scream or cry,
but she did that thing...
...where she gets really still
and her eyes got really wide.
And in my mind, like, it's all
implanting on her brain right now.
-Oh, God.
-And I saw, like...
...into the future, she's a 26-year-old
heroin addict going:
"Yeah, the heroin takes care of
the werewolf nightmares, Dad, thanks."
You do not know
what's going to screw them up.
-Tell you what it won't be.
-What?
-Whatever you think it is.
-Yes!
It's gonna be that mint-chip cone
that you buy her.
"Why was there little black things
in my ice cream?"
Jerry, you're leaking coolant.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...
...after this brief word
from our sponsor.
This is so great.
These guys do
barista and roasting competitions.
They go do it competitively.
His next competition is in February...
...and it qualifies him,
if he wins, for the nationals.
-The nationals?
-In Portland.
-And there's world ones.
-Where are the worlds?
-Dublin.
-Dublin.
Dublin, Ireland. Of course.
Well, they make great cars.