Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Comedy, Sex and the Blue Numbers - full transcript

English subtitles ripped by antsh

This is a 1959 Fiat Jolly...

...in coral orange.

It has a two-cylinder,
22-horsepower engine...

...that can reach a speed
of up to 65 miles per hour...

...with no doors.

It does have a rear body panel
in the event of an accident...

...to hold your kids inside
for an extra second...

...before they are also hurled
into oblivion.

Only 100 to 200 Fiat Jollys
were built, and believe it or not...

...they are quite sought after
these days.



"Jolly" means "joker" in Italian.

It also means something "light," "fun,"
"funny" and "pretty" in other languages.

"Insane" might have been
a better name.

Even Italians have
varied opinions about it.

This car's like a puppy
that sticks its nose under your hand...

...because it wants to be petted.

Hitler would love this car.

-Hello?
-Louis?

-It's Jerry.
-Jerry, what's going on?

Remember we talked about going
out on your boat?

-Yeah.
-Have a coffee machine on your boat?

-I do. I can make you coffee.
-On my way.

Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

Today my guest is Louis C.K.



Louis is a fantastic stand-up comedian,
who also has his own show...

...that he writes, stars and directs,
which is also called Louie.

On today's show, you're gonna see
Louis do something...

...I'm sure you had no idea
he could do.

-We all set?
-You wouldn't be here if you weren't.

-So I got a car.
-Oh, my God.

-What kind of engine is in there?
-It's a two-cylinder.

-A two-cylinder? Like an old motorcycle.
-Yeah.

One for me, one for you.

Can you imagine walking
into a car dealership and going:

"Yeah, I'll take that"?

How's it in the snow?
How's the wicker--?

-"How's the wicker in the snow?"
-In the snow?

-That's how you start it?
-Yeah.

Okay, you're not gonna believe this,
but we're moving.

That's amazing.

The guy on the bicycle
almost took you out.

What a horn.

Now I feel like I'm in Italy.

-This must be pretty funny-looking.
-From outside? Yeah.

This is ridiculous.

It might be the worst car ever
to be driven.

I'd be hard-pressed to think of something
less appropriate.

Also I like that I can
drag my knuckles on the street.

You could touch the street.

You could play polo.

Really?

How can you get mad at this car?

It's funny, people are right there. There's
a bicyclist. My face is at his ass-level.

-Hey, give it a little squeeze.
-No, I'm afraid.

-We've known each other for....
-Twenty years?

More than that. Because I opened
for you at Stitches in Boston.

And I was, like, 19 years old.

-Do you consider yourself a New Yorker?
-New York is my home, for sure.

Boston is distant from me.

And also I came to Boston from Mexico
when I was a kid.

And what is it you would like
to know about me?

I don't know why people assume the
guest is more interesting than the host.

How many years you think
you'll do your show?

I'd say seven or eight, tops.

-Why? Why would you ever stop?
-You stopped after nine years.

Yeah, but your show's different.

Your show can grow with you.
My show was about four single people...

-Yeah. Right.
-...living this certain type of lifestyle.

We didn't wanna do
Kramer's 50th birthday party.

-Do you think you'll ever shave this off?
-I tried once. I did it for a movie.

-My chin just goes from here to my neck.
-Looks like a fine chin to me.

Well, thank you.

Most comedians do not have facial hair.

How do you--?
What are you basing that on?

-It's very unusual.
-You thought that before you said it?

-Or did you just--?
-I like the story of Chris Rock...

...going on SNL and telling Lorne,
"I wanna keep my mustache and goatee."

And Lorne said to him,
"In comedy, we put on beards."

If we got hit by, like, an SUV,
we would just be smears.

-Yeah.
-We would just be...

...pink and red smears
with teeth stuck in it.

And a Nike logo.

Would anybody do a roadside memorial
for us? I don't think anybody would.

You noticed the white painted
bicycles? That's what those are.

That's a person that died on a bike?

-Jeez.
-I know, like, "Come on."

Must we all get bummed everyday...

...back and forth to work?
It sometimes doesn't work out.

Sometimes doesn't work out.

-My ass hurts a lot.
-From the wicker?

I hope so.

I'm amazed at this massive structure.

It's the most prominent structure
on the river of Manhattan...

...and it catches one golf ball
like this. That's all it does.

-We won't fill up the river with balls.
-No.

Wouldn't that be funny
if it topped out with balls?

-The whole river.
-Yeah.

We could just walk to New Jersey
on golf balls.

Or put them over in Jersey,
hit them back.

-Larry played golf with the president.
-He did.

Here's how my relationship works
with Larry David.

We were on a film for a half hour
two days ago and it didn't come up.

Where we going?
We went the wrong way?

No, I just think you would look great
in that shirt.

-The colors, with your hair.
-I don't look good in orange.

Really? You are orange.

I know, that's why. It's too much.
Too much of a good thing.

This guy Alex
lives on his boat.

He helps me with my boat.
He's, like, my boat guy.

That is handsome.
You know what it looks like?

-The Orca from Jaws.
-I always wanted the Orca.

Do you ever lean over the side-- There's
a 20-footer and you go, "Twenty-five."

"Twenty-five."

I don't think suede is the right fabric
for boating.

No, it really isn't.

See these things?

These are fenders.

Once we're past the Queen Mary,
you gotta pull all the fenders up...

...and just lay them.
That's all you gotta do.

Aye, me hearties.

Okay, here go the engines.

Comedy eyeball, don't forget that.
You need that?

-That stays in here.
-Okay.

Yeah, that's how I can see
what's going on down here.

-This is the fly bridge.
-This does not look easy.

Whenever I'm with my kids
and I do this part of coming out...

-...I'm always yelling at them to shut up.
-Right.

They start chatting, I'm like,
"Shut up. You're making this hard.

I love you. Stop it."

I think you like boats
because you look good on a boat.

-Look at you, you're Quint.
-That's right, I am Quint.

Backing up.

Your eyes are darting around
like you're a fugitive.

A lot of it
is breathing.

This is a mother****er today.

Pulling me right towards
all that rotting wood.

-Why don't they get rid of that?
-It would be hard.

Like pulling teeth out of a serpent's
head or something. I don't know.

-Is there gambling on that boat?
-You're gambling...

...every time
you go out on it.

Wow, I can't believe
how well you did that.

-Thank you.
-That was masterful.

All right, so now you need
to go get the fenders up.

Okay. Now I'm Richard Dreyfuss.

It proves that a college boy don't know
when to admit when he's wrong.

-I lost the fenders.
-You lost them?

I was playing with the comedy eyeball.

-They're gone? It's all right.
-They're gone.

Now we're doing 16 knots,
which is great on the river.

-You're having a blast now?
-Very happy.

-Why?
-I didn't used to be able to do this.

But it's amazing to me
that you can just take a boat...

...and over time, figure out all this ****.
And the more things you can do....

Like, you can go anywhere.

I love that,
and I love coming out on the river.

I'm the only person out here.

-You wanna do all of them?
-No, just do the sides.

-It's like your kid's jacket in the winter.
-Yeah, upside down at 20 knots.

Upside down.

How many shows have you got
figured out so far?

Ten of them, I've finished writing. And I
took on a couple of new people to try.

They'd, like, sit on my couch while I write,
and it's somebody to talk to.

And this time I used Steven Wright.

Oh, yeah?

When I grew up in Boston,
like, when I started doing stand-up...

-...he was everybody's hero.
-Sure.

So you wanted to humiliate him by
having him work for you now on a couch?

Steven Wright did a gig in the '80s...

...at a college football stadium
called Gator Growl.

Eighty thousand people. George Burns
had done it the year before.

What did George Burns
do at Gator Growl?

Twenty minutes. But Steven had
a great line. They were asking us:

"What's it like as a comedian
in front of 80,000 people?"

And Steven said,
"If you're swimming in the ocean...

...it doesn't matter how deep the water is.
All you can do is swim."

I get really weirded out
going under big bridges.

They have this commercial now
for this drug called Chantix.

And they list all the side effects, which
is the worst comedy premise, of course.

-Of course.
-But I've never heard another one...

...where they say,
"You may experience weird dreams."

-Weird dreams.
-Weird dreams.

-What dreams aren't weird?
-What dreams aren't weird?

So I kind of imagine they have, like,
a little phone bank set up at Chantix...

-...with people calling in with their dreams.
-Right.

"Bob, you think that one's weird?
I got a guy here with orangutan feet."

"No, I've had that one.

It's not weird."

I think that maybe
we should anchor over here.

That sounds good.

I can't afford this boat.

-I shouldn't have gotten it.
-Come on!

Well, you shouldn't buy a yacht
unless you can afford ten yachts.

-There's some kind of formula like that.
-That's stupid.

-Is it? Good.
-Yeah.

-When I hit the water, just go like this:
-Okay.

If the chain starts going off to the side,
just go like this:

Or like this:

I lost an anchor under here once.

Maybe James Cameron will find it.

-You want a coffee?
-Yeah.

-Cappuccino or espresso?
-I'll have a cappuccino.

-You really like things, don't you?
-Yeah, I like machines.

-Yeah.
-I like things that make stuff happen.

I was with my kids
waiting for a school bus...

...and this dog walked by
with his owner on the leash...

...the owner walked by
with his dog on the leash.

The dog walked by
with an owner on the leash?

I said it backwards
and then I tried to fix it.

My favorite dog thing is when
your dog is walking through the room...

...and you stop him,
he doesn't then continue on his way.

-Whatever you interrupted is gone.
-It's gone.

I go to the 3-D IMAX movies...

-...stoned.
-Stoned, or you get a scone?

Yes, I get a scone
to see a 3-D IMAX movie.

-You're so elegant.
-Yeah.

If my kids have been
with me for a stretch...

...and then they go with their mom and
I have, like, a day between them...

...and some work to do
or something...

...I smoke some pot
and see a 3-D IMAX movie.

Do you bring your own snacks
or do you get movie crap?

I don't get the movie crap
because I don't want to buy it stoned.

To me, talking to a stranger when I'm
stoned is like a nightmare.

Why, because you
can't read the signals?

Yeah, I just-- It's all wrong, and they're
looking at me like I'm crazy, I think.

And what's worse
is if people recognize me...

...for being a known person...

...and they come over, "Oh, my God!"
And I'm really stoned.

So why do you go
to a crowded movie theater?

I have it down to a science.

First I buy the tickets online. I print it out,
I put it in the same pocket every time...

...so I'm not doing this
"Stoned guy can't find his thing."

This pocket has no other function.

-It's got that ticket in it.
-One ticket for one guy.

One ticket for one guy.

I get some candy bars and treats.

Like, an ice cream bar is good.

You put that in one pocket,
maybe a Mounds Bar or Snickers....

-You have to wear a jacket to do this right.
-It's like a suicide bomber here, you....

-The detonator's in here.
-It's the same preparation.

I just get Uber, the car service, to get me.
I like to lower the window about halfway...

...and just look at people
on the streets of Manhattan.

That's-- When you're stoned,
that's an amazing thing to look at.

People carrying their bags of stuff...

...seeing them and going,
"We're just worms, and we're carrying...

...our worm meal."

And I go in
and give the lady my paper ticket...

...and I put on the crazy glasses
and I sit here.

And then the great thing--
This is all I'm at it for.

--they show trailers regular size
and you get lost in that.

And then when it's time for the movie,
that screen grows...

-Yeah.
-...and they have a 3D IMAX countdown.

Where the numbers
come at you and envelope you...

...and it's all blue and crystal...

...and it drives me crazy.

It's my favorite thing in life.

-It's like sex, comedy when it's good--
-Sex...

-Yeah. Yeah.
-...comedy, the blue numbers.

-Yeah, sex is starting to--
-And sex is dropping.

-Yes.
-It's the shame. That's a shame.

-When sex gets below the blue numbers.
-Yeah.

-I have, you know....
-Pull the ripcord.

You know what the first thing I said
as a child, before I said Mama or Dada?

"We ****** up."

I said, "Leave me alone."

That's amazing.

-My God.
-Is that not the mantra of stand-up?

"Leave me alone, okay?"

You know, people talk about kids today.

How they grow up too fast.
I feel like I can only take a year...

...of each year. It can't....

"No more of you as a 9-year-old.
I've had it.

-Give me a 10-year-old."
-I don't know, I sometimes miss the older...

-Are you sure? Yeah!
-I look back.

You can miss anything.

You can, even if it's bad.
I had that thought this morning...

...because my oldest
is going to middle school.

It's a real schlepp now, the morning, and
I thought, "This will be a tough winter."

Then my second thought was,
"I'm gonna miss this.

There's gonna be a day
where I'm not gonna do this again."

That's very rich, Louis.

-That's good stuff, right?
-That's good stuff, man.

There's the George Washington Bridge
shadow over us.

Scary bridge moment.

Look how beautiful Riverside Drive
is up here.

I love those buildings.

New York makes me crazy.
I love New York City.

I love the different
brick colors...

-...and the water towers...
-Yeah.

...and the trees and rocks before the river.
-I know.

I ran this boat aground in Harlem once,
in the mud.

It was the first time
my kids were on my boat.

And I see this little cove,
and I say:

"Let's go in the cove, and
I'll make some macaroni and cheese."

-I'm so happy to show my kids the boat.
-Right.

I'm also nervous they won't like it.

We run right into the ******* mud,
we go right in the mud.

It was low tide,
I didn't read the chart correctly.

I'm in mud.

There's a park 30 feet away,
people barbequing.

There's a park ranger and he yells: "It's
low tide. You're stuck till, like, midnight."

My kids are crying now.
I'm like, "Shut up," to the guy.

I get on the radio and I let
the Coast Guard come and dig me out.

-Yeah.
-But they didn't even answer.

Now the water's receded so much
that there's mud all around me.

The police boat is in the water
and the guy yells across:

"Are your kids okay?"
and I go "They're all right."

He asks if I can get out
and walk in the mud.

-I took a pole, it feels like it's quicksand.
-Yeah.

I would've died
in the mud.

People are starting to form at the park,
starting to figure out who I am.

The cops say,
"Are your kids hungry?"

We can't run the generator so we can't
cook the macaroni and cheese.

They've got hard macaroni and water,
that's all we have.

So the cops went to Whole Foods.

They got us a chicken,
all kinds of food.

But now there was a big expanse of mud
between me and them.

I needed to throw them a line...

...and I throw them the line,
it's not getting there.

I pull it back and now
I'm covered in mud.

I put a pot on the line...

...and I'm swinging it
and trying to throw it.

And people on the shore are going:
"You can do it, Louis."

All these Hispanic people
from Harlem.

Then it would go in the mud and they'd
go "You suck, man."

They're all, "Boo!"

And finally the cops see a fisherman
in a boat...

...they turn on their lights, pull him over,
get him on their boat...

...and he casts me a line
with a weight on it.

I tied my rope to his line
and he pulled my line in.

They tied a big garbage bag
with food in it...

...to the line and I stood on the boat...

...and it was the hardest thing I ever did,
physically, in my life...

...but I was so desperate to
feed my kids.

And I pull this and people are cheering.
It was insane.

My oldest daughter was like,
"Daddy, take your clothes off...

...in the shower of the boat,"
gave me water bottles and I cleaned off.

Then we ate,
we were there till midnight.

This started at 1:00.
We were there for almost 12 hours.

At one point it started raining,
while I was waiting.

It's dead quiet now, and I hear
in the park...

...some kid go,
"Louis CK, it's raining now!"

And then this guy who lives on his boat,
he came.... That's how I met him.

I called, I said, "Do you have
anybody that can help me?"

He was dropped in the water
by a motor boat, he's a river fish.

So he just jumped in the river
and swam to me...

...crawled on the mud,
stood on my swim deck...

...and took off his dirty clothes, got
into some clean clothes he had in a bag.

-And he helped me get out of there.
-How did he do it?

He knows everything.
He had a sense when the boat...

...was starting to get some movement.
We used the bow thrusters...

...to pull it around. And then when we
got loose, we just gunned it out of there.

The next day,
our picture was in the paper.

...Daily News, me and my kids
on the boat, stuck in the mud.

I say to my oldest, "We have to
come out on the boat again soon...

-...so you can have a good experience."
-Right.

And she said
"We just had a good experience."

She was so happy.

That is one of the great stories.
Boy. That'll make a man out of you.

Well, out of my daughters,
anyway.

We both did that fancy Robin Hood
benefit at the Javits Center.

I got mad at them.

Elton John will run the show.

-And he played "Tiny Dancer"...
-Yeah.

...and "Bennie and the Jets"...

...and they were talking at their tables.
Nobody was even looking at him.

When I went on I said,
"I'm very excited to perform for you...

...after you talked through
Elton John...

...like he was a piano player
in the Hilton Lounge."

With all due respect to Elton John...

-...why don't you tell us who Bennie is?
-Right.

-Is this a drug story, what is it?
-Is it actual jets?

-Is it a gay story?
-Right.

Is that a gay bar?

-Are those all penises? I'm just saying--
-Penises don't have wings.

-They will, if it gets any worse.
-"They will."

You just see.

Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...

...after this brief word
from our sponsor.

-Here, do me a favor, will you?
-Sure.

Open my door for me.

-I don't want people to know where I live.
-All right, Louis, I'll see you later.

Just the top lock at first,
it goes to the left, till it clicks...

There you go.
And then this one towards the knob.

-There you go.
-All right, see you.

-All right, man.
-Wanna come in?

-Can I use the bathroom? Thank you.
-Yeah.

Hey, how do you know
how to do the locks to my house?