Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Kids Need Bullying - full transcript

ripped by antsh

This is an eyebrow-frizzing,
retina-melting...

...absurdly gorgeous
1969 Lamborghini P400S Miura.

Just 43 inches tall,
it is painted in Arancio Borealis...

...Italian for "orange."

It has a mid-engine 360-horsepower
V12 mounted sideways.

And it's got eyelashes
on its headlights.

Jesus!

It's incredibly masculine and
incredibly feminine at the same time.

It is, in my opinion,
the most beautiful car ever designed.

-Hello.
-Hey. Rock.



-What are you doing?
-I'm not doing much.

-Outside my house.
-It's nice out.

It's amazing. It's beautiful.

-How about some coffee?
-Let's do it.

Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

And this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

My guest is my buddy...

...always brilliant Chris Rock.

-SeinTime.
-So this it.

-This is my Tony Soprano house.
-You're a made guy.

Where's Carm?

-What is this?
-The most beautiful car in the world.

All right, here we go.

-Is this thing gonna take off?
-Yes, it is.



When this car came on the scene in '66,
it was so shocking and so different...

...it blew everybody else away.

So it reminds me of you.

It's a screaming person, black car.

It is. It screams.

-How do you like the car?
-I like you.

-Thank you, Chris.
-And I say everything's about company.

A gourmet meal with an asshole
is a horrible meal.

A hot dog with an interesting person...

-Is a great meal. It's an amazing meal.
-...is an amazing meal.

It's all about the company.

If we were in a cab, we'd probably be
having the same exact conversation.

I remember your assistant
took your car that time.

To get his cousin out of jail.

-Whatever, he just took your car.
-Yeah.

-Don't still buy his story 10 years later.
-Well....

Because there's no other way
to get your cousin out of jail.

Nope, you gotta do five more years...

...because someone had the nerve
to pick you up in a cheap car.

Here's my good jail story.

My brother was in the halfway house,
in between jail and whatever.

One day I'm dropping him off at jail,
and then I realize...

...I'm waiting for him
to safely get into jail.

God forbid something happen to him
out here.

-Know what, you're a good brother.
-I'm a good brother.

People ask me for $5000 like it's asking,
"When's the next bus coming?"

"Hey, man, you got $5000?"

No one sits me down.

No one even tells me a story anymore.

They just ask me for $5000
like it's the time.

Like it's the time. You can always tell
people who call you up for money.

"Hey, we need to talk."
"Aren't you talking now?"

"You need to corner me,
is that what you're suggesting?"

"I need to corner you later."

Sometimes I try and figure out--

You take different inventions and you put
them in a different time in history.

If you were a caveman and you had
a lighter, you'd be king of the world.

You'd be absolute king of the world.

If you were in the Civil War
and you had an AK-47...

-...the war's over with one guy.
-One guy.

When we were young comics,
we were looking for advantages.

Cheats, steroids. Would I take a pill to be
able to write and direct like Woody Allen?

You're goddamn right I would.

That's a horrible analogy.

Steroids, I don't know.

It's just a advantage to make
more money, like any other business.

Every stockbroker had a cell phone, and
then one day one guy had the BlackBerry.

And for about three months, he had
a humongous advantage over everybody.

BlackBerries don't turn you
into Lyle Alzado.

Getting information quicker,
getting to the quarterback quicker.

Tell me the difference.

Really, steroids don't bother you?

-Ridiculous.
-They bother me...

-...because they influence kids.
-They are kids.

These players are kids.

Hey, there's rules.
These guys broke the rules.

They should be punished.

There's math,
and then everything else is debatable.

Have you eaten yet today?

I've eaten some fruit today.
I'm doing a movie in a couple months.

-I'll eat a burger.
-You had fried chicken three nights ago.

So you cheat.
Gonna throw me out the Hall of Fame?

Because I had
Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Two-piece with a biscuit is one
of the greatest meals ever invented.

Have you ever had Popeyes?

Popeyes is too good.

After you have Popeyes, you need one
of those Men in Black memory sticks...

...to erase your memory, or else you will
come back to this place every day.

I think Lola had a basketball game
here this year.

My oldest daughter Lola
plays basketball.

-How you doing?
-Can I get you something to drink?

-I would like some coffee.
-I'll take coffee with cream.

You got it.

A 10 p.m. Tonight Show,
that's Conan's fault.

The problem is Conan is not a comedian.
He's a talk-show host.

And any comedian would have
spotted that a mile away.

-Right.
-We're used to getting booked.

We know what-- The day before,
the day after, we know what that means.

It's true, you would smell that and go,
"There's gonna be an hour of talk show?"

"In front of mine. On a one-way street."

It's like, "I'm dating Beyonc?
and Alicia Keys." No, you're not.

You're gonna date one of them
or you're gonna lose both of them.

As my brother would say, pick a bitch.

-Analogy always has to be black artists?
-Yeah, I'm black.

Jerry, I'm trying to.... I'm trying to....

Could--? There must--
Hey, sugar's not a bad thing.

-There's sugar.
-Okay, the real sugar.

I'm looking at this thing--

I'm gonna get the chicken salad.

Probably the worst thing you could eat
on camera is chicken salad.

-Can we get some fries?
-Yeah. A basket of fries?

You all right. I like you.

Who do you envy?

I admire people that go--
That have breakdowns.

-You admire them?
-Yeah.

Because once you have a breakdown,
then you can clear the slate...

...and everything you do is, like....

Like Eliot Spitzer?

-If you really did something--
-Yeah.

Wow, look at that.

Tiger Woods is back.
He's got a new girl.

And he's a guy that needs
a relationship.

He's a guy that needs to make that call
every night.

"All right. I'm in."

-"Had a good round."
-"It was good."

I remember, years ago, Prince was
married. I was hanging out with Prince.

And he was like,
"Oh, man, I gotta go make that call."

Prince, calling his wife,
"Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah."

He made the most routine call
to his wife you could ever say.

That's all the marriage counseling
you really need.

Prince knew, "I gotta make this call."

My favorite thing is still the thing
you did to me.

-What was Oprah's play?
-The Color Purple?

The Color Purple. We were at
the after-party at the Four Seasons.

I was standing around, and I was
with Jess, we were schmoozing.

We locked eyes. You came over to me.
Remember?

You grabbed my arms
and you went, "Comedian."

-I needed a comedian.
-I flash on that all the time.

Somebody was saying
the other day about:

"You gotta be funny or they'll turn on
you," a regular person told me.

I go, "They should turn on you."

It's a very humbling life at any level.

-You can't cheat them.
-No.

The ability to talk to a lot of people
is freakish.

It's more freakish than being able
to run fast or dunk a basketball...

...or any of those other things.

It's freakish.

You think Superman could talk to
1000 people at one time?

Superman could, yeah.

He can get their attention,
he has to bend something first.

But to just get up in front
of 1000 people and start talking?

Maybe give him a few minutes,
and then if he's not funny--

Every time he would lose their--
He'd have to break something.

-He would lose the room. Eventually.
-Or burn something with his x-ray vision.

He'd fly, come back.
"Okay. I got your attention."

Any place I go, if there's a microphone,
people want me to speak.

A graduation, a book club thing,
a book signing....

Wherever there's a microphone...

...someone's gonna come up to me
and go:

-I can go to a stranger's funeral--
-Have you ever talked at a funeral?

I talked at a friend's funeral
this year. Yeah.

Got a couple laughs.

The great thing about you,
there's no subject you cannot handle.

You've given some thought
to almost everything.

-We're professional arguers.
-Yeah.

Not only can we argue about anything,
we can argue either side.

I'm working on a bit about bullying.

Everybody's trying to get rid of bullying.
I'm like, "Are you crazy?"

Some of these kids need this.

I'll go even further.
Most of them need it.

Who's gonna cure AIDS?

Who's gonna invent the fuel
that gets us off of fossil fuel?

-Who's gonna do these things?
-Yeah.

Some guy that was bullied,
that's who.

I know. My wife is always trying to stop
the boys from beating on each other.

I'm saying,
"They gotta learn, this is it."

-This is life.
-Does your wife do that?

Try to stop fights all the time?

-Wanting everything to be fair.
-You hate that.

I hate it. Lola had a basketball game.

Coach didn't put her in. Close game.

She's not the greatest.
Didn't put her in.

Wife's pissed off.
I'm a little pissed, but my thing is:

"Hey, honey, you know,
there's a way to get in the game.

I'm just saying.

There's a way to get in the game."

-Other than having your mother....
-Yeah. I mean....

Some kids actually got in the game.

I did tell my daughter after the game,
"I used to go the comedy club...

...and they would not put me on.
I'd get there at 7:45.

And I would wait until 1:30,
2 in the morning, and not get on.

But I worked on it.

-I worked--"
-I'll tell you one of the great...

...activities is skateboarding.

To learn to do a skateboard trick...

...how many times you gotta get
something wrong until you get it right?

-Keep falling and you hurt yourself.
-You hurt yourself.

You learn to do that,
you got a life lesson.

When I see skateboard kids,
I think, "Those kids will be all right."

Yes.

So did you actually say that line
to your wife?

-"There is a way to be--"
-No, I did not say that.

Why would you--?

I'd advise against that, as your counsel.

-Here you go, guys. Thank you.
-Thanks very much.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-Look at this. Do you get--?
-Now I'm impressed by it.

When you have it amongst the
pedestrian cars, you're like, "Oh, sh**."

-Thank you.
-Look at that.

It's freakish...

-...for one person to talk to 1000.
-If you walked in one day...

...and you went to your kids' school...

...and there were 500 kids
listening to your kid...

...you'd think you had-- Like,
your kid was the devil or something.

My kid's possessed.

I had a Make-A-Wish kid,
like a 15-year-old kid, dying of cancer.

And I snuck him
the Pam Anderson sex tape.

In between all the other crap.

Here.

-He's dead now, but....
-He lived a little more.

-He lived a little more.
-Yeah.

This is a very fast car, by the way.

SeinTime's going fast.

There goes a cop.

And he's coming.

Oh, he's gonna....

Yup, he's coming.

What do you think?
Do we get a ticket?

You wanna bet $5000?

It'd be such a better episode...

...if he pulls me to the side
and beats the **** out of me. You think?

-Did he give up?
-No, we got him.

Oh, boy.

Now, here's the crazy thing.
If you weren't here, I'd be scared.

-Yeah, I'm famous. Still black.
-Well, let's not be--

-Let's not be-- Stop it. That's really--
-I be babbling.

-Okay.
-That's terrible.

Right now, I'm looking for my license
right now.

Cut it off.

License and registration.

All right, he's got a crew cut.

He means business.

-You all right?
-Yeah, how's it going?

Can I have your license
and registration?

-Where you guys headed?
-We're going....

-Alpine.
-Alpine, New Jersey.

Alpine, you're going the wrong way.

-Is this your car?
-No, sir.

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
might be right back...

...after this brief word from our sponsor.

-Were you worried, Chris?
-I was worried the whole time.

I'm still worried.

Come on, it was fine.