Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Comedy Is a Concealed Weapon - full transcript
English subtitles ripped by antsh
This is a 1949 Porsche 356/2.
This is one
of the very first production cars...
...produced by the Porsche company.
The first cars were built by hand
in a sawmill in Gmünd, Austria.
That's why
a lot of people call them "Gmünds."
They were made
mostly of Volkswagen parts...
...but the body had a very advanced
aerodynamic shape...
...and was made
of all hand-formed aluminum.
This car was the 40th of 52 cars made...
...before they came to their senses
and realized:
"We can't have a car company...
...where we're building
each one of these things by hand."
This car somehow survived...
...with 100 percent
of its original components intact.
The most amazing thing to me
about this car...
...is if you get in a Porsche
that was built today...
...they feel kind of similar.
I love it because, to me,
it looks like a little alien flying saucer.
Imagine how it looked in 1949.
-Hello?
-Do you remember the day we met?
Do I remember the day we met?
I'm trying to think--
I believe it was The Laff Stop
in Newport Beach.
That's right, The Laff Stop in Newport.
That means
we've known each other 35 years.
There you go.
So I thought maybe
we could get a cup of coffee together.
I've never had a cup of coffee,
but since I've known you 35 years...
...I live in Hollywood
and I'm not addicted to anything...
...it's nice you're introducing me
to an addictive product, I appreciate it.
I'll come and pick you up at the shop.
Where you,
who's not addicted to anything...
...are in possession
of 200-some-odd cars and motorcycles.
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is:
My guest today is Jay Leno.
Jay's one of the greatest
standup comedians I've ever seen...
...the host of The Tonight Show
for 20 years, and concluded the run...
...as the number one
talk show in late night television.
Oh, look at this. Very nice.
-It's a hand-hammered body.
-Hand-made right after the war.
As you can see, the body came out
so badly they never sold it.
-And the corduroy upholstery with--
-All original.
Boy, that's beautiful.
-There's your numbers, right there.
-Yeah. Number 40.
-So off we go.
-Let's do it.
How come I've never seen you
in a pair of sunglasses?
-I can't stand sunglasses.
-Why not?
Because I go, "What does it look like now?
What's happening, for real?"
-No.
-I don't wanna be fooled.
-Did you see Gravity? In 3D?
-I did see Gravity.
It's blurry
when you take off the glasses.
-Of course.
-I kept checking.
-Did you like it? It was fantastic, wasn't it?
-It was great. Fantastic.
And I love the people nit-picking it.
"Well, you know,
the debris is coming the wrong direction."
Hey, how about this? The astronauts
are Sandra Bullock and George Clooney!
How about that, huh?
How about that for phony?
You ever think about that?
It's so stupid.
They're not astronauts,
they live in Beverly Hills.
Hey, yeah, they're actors!
How about this? There's no chance...
...of Cloudy with a Side of Meatballs,
okay?
That's not gonna happen either.
The thing that's amazing about this car
is how modern it feels.
I would know right away
I was in a Porsche.
-It rides, actually, very nice.
-I know, isn't it pretty remarkable?
-What do we have here?
-That's headlights.
Headlight dimmer.
That's the satellite navigation,
the stereo...
-Right, you gotta have all that.
-...and the cup holder.
-Very tiny cup would go there.
-Tiny cup.
You know, to this day
on The Tonight Show...
...every time I walk out,
I say to Joey:
"You all know him as Frankie
on Benson."
Come on.
-Yes, because they-- I love it.
-You love that story.
And I have to tell people what it is.
How many appearances did you do?
I got a part on Benson in 1980.
I had shot two of them and then
I got an appearance on Merv Griffin.
Here's Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry.
-But when you did Merv Griffin...
-Yes.
-...Merv said, "This'll air in 2 months."
-Right.
-And you hadn't done anything, really.
-No.
So Merv goes out and goes:
"You all know him as Frankie on Benson."
And the audience goes--
What? What?
Like you were there.
-I was there! I went with you! I did!
-No, you weren't.
Those were back in the days
when the comics...
-...always went with other comics.
-That's true.
You watch my very first Tonight Show,
you hear:
-You hear Robin Williams laughing--
-Because it was such a big deal.
-It was a huge deal back then.
-Yeah, it was.
Do you feel bad at all
for young guys today...
...that they have no feeling
like we had of that?
I don't think that's changed.
When you're on The Tonight Show,
or on Letterman...
-...you own that network for 7 minutes.
-Right.
You're the only thing
on that entire network around the world!
Believe me, I have been backstage
with new comics and they're like this:
"Oh, Mr. Leno, thank you so much.
My grandma's watching...." You know?
-You're by yourself. You own it.
-Right.
-How old are you now?
-Sixty-three.
I love it when people turn away
to say their age.
-Sixty-three.
-Sixty-three.
You know, Jay,
when I met you in the '70s...
...and went to your house every night,
we'd hang out...
...you formed my whole
professional attitude...
...as a young man.
And I always tell people
that I learned comedy from Jay.
-You remember the movie The Natural?
-Sure, of course.
I love the title. You are a natural.
Because the really funny comedians...
-...are funny--
-When they're not on-stage.
How many times does one of these
old comic guys, Alan King, Rickles...
...tell a serious story and you laugh
and they go, "What are you laughing at?"
Well, you're a comedian.
You're making me laugh.
Don't people say that to you
all the time: "Is this a bit?"
You go, "No, I'm talking.
I'm talking right now."
"This is in your act."
No, no! It's not in my act!
I'm trying to get directions.
Well, you know why we became friends...
...is because we shared
this basic outlook on our profession...
...which is: there's no awful gigs.
That all gigs are great.
There are awful gigs.
I remember I used to do Playboy Clubs,
and those clubs had a room director.
At the end of the day,
he'd take out a card and go:
"I'm gonna grade you on your act...
...and this card goes right to Mr. Hefner.
You have to sign it."
One day I'm in some Playboy Club
in New York...
...I go on-stage...
...not a laugh, nothing!
I come off-stage, the guy goes,
"Hey, come here. You get an F."
"What is this crowd?"
He goes, "They're from Portugal,
it's a bus tour."
"From Portugal? You didn't tell me that."
He goes, "You just make your act
Portuguese."
I go, "I don't speak Portuguese,
you can't give me an F."
"You gotta sign it." "No, I'm not signing it!"
"You'll never work here again."
I have to sign the card that goes to
Mr. Hefner. I got an F.
That was a bad gig.
-That was a bad gig.
-You got paid, didn't you?
-I did get paid.
-All right.
Then quit your bellyaching.
Wow, isn't that the new
Acura NSX?
-It is the Acura NSX.
-Holy cow.
Now that's a product placement.
-Did you get one of those?
-I got the first one coming.
-I got the first one coming.
-No, no. I got the first one.
-No, but they promised me--
-No, I called them...
...and said, "I'll take the first one.
If Jerry wants one, give him car 28."
-Really?
-You said, "I got a lot of cars."
-I don't remember that.
-Maybe you didn't say it...
...but I said it to the head NSX guy.
-I'm gonna make a call.
-Yeah, yeah.
I gotta make a call too.
Very nice.
And it's a hybrid system, isn't it?
Glad I got the first one.
Leno....
Two guys are hunting.
Guy goes, "Whoa, whoa, big hole.
How deep is that?"
He goes,
"Let's throw something in the hole."
So they see this rusty old anvil
lying over there...
...so they drag it over,
and they throw the anvil:
They don't even hear it hit.
Next thing, they hear:
"What's that?"
They see a goat coming at them.
The goat goes...almost knocks
them over, dives down the hole.
And they hear, "Becky, Becky!"
This old farmer yelling, "Becky!"
So the farmer sees the hunters
and goes, "Hey, you guys see a goat?"
"Yes, a goat went by us about
80 miles-an-hour, jumped in that hole."
The farmer goes, "That's impossible.
I had him chained to an anvil."
-That's a great joke, isn't it?
-That is so stupid.
I think the Board of Health might have
some questions here.
This doesn't seem like the most....
I got some spider hair
in my cappuccino.
-Juan Valdez would do each bean.
-Each bean?
And this one would be, "I'm sorry,
this one's going over here."
Having my first cup of coffee ever.
Very excited about that.
-Know about civet coffee?
-Yeah.
-With the cat?
-I would love to try that.
It tastes exactly
like what you think.
-Digestive system of....
-Right, of the lemur.
I want to meet the guy who was picking
through some cat poo:
"Hey."
You go, "It tastes like crap."
What's the advantage?
Why don't I eat regular dog poo
and save $75, you know?
Go to the park.
We put a charge of coffee
up in the top.
Then it roasts for about 13 minutes
inside the roasting drum.
Then the cat sits up here
and squats over the....
-Watch what I do, Jay.
-I'll put in some milk.
-Put some sugar in.
-A little sugar....
What kind of spoon is this,
like a coke house?
Here we go.
-It's horrible.
-You're not gonna get it in one cup, okay?
So do the best you can.
Clean it up.
-This is like taking care of an old man.
-Oh, God. That's awful.
Horrible.
Do the gangster hierarchy laugh.
-I love that bit.
-The idea is...
...when you watch old movies,
criminals will always laugh...
...in descending order
of the head criminal.
The head guy will go,
"Tomorrow night...
...Eliot Ness will be dead."
Then you get to the guy
in the corner:
The guy who's not quite as sharp
as the other gangsters.
He kind of, you know.
When you pick up your cell phone,
press that first button...
...that call is traced.
But even modern movies now,
like, with NSA...
...you always have this scene:
"Keep him on the line!
Did you get it?"
At some point in the '60s,
comedy became...
...denser, faster, and more direct.
Who do you think was
the pivot guy?
Would you say it was Alan King
or George Carlin?
I would say Richie Pryor.
I said to Mitzi at The Comedy Store,
"Let me go on after Richard."
It's the best place to find out
if your stuff is funny.
Most comedians
go where their audience is.
"I didn't like that crowd.
I like this crowd."
No, no. You got this crowd.
Work to get that crowd.
I thought I had an hour.
After following Richie every night...
...I realized I had maybe 16 minutes.
Did I bomb? Most of the time.
It just made me a stronger comic.
-I'm gonna have your coffee.
-Go on. It's delicious.
The joke that cemented my relationship
with Letterman--
I approached him,
I saw him at The Comedy Store...
...and he was talking about
editorials in local newspapers...
...and he said,
"We are diametrically opposed...
...to the use of orphans
as yardage markers...
...on public golf courses."
And I just liked the phraseology of that.
Hearing comedians
do a certain routine...
...is like listening to a song
with a lyric that I like.
It's like Patrick Henry said,
"Give me liberty, or give me death."
And people went, "Did you hear him?
That's pretty good."
He could have said,
"I don't care if you ******* hang me."
Then you'd be dead.
But he just knew how to say it properly.
I'll tell you a funny story.
This famous comedian,
who shall remain nameless...
...saw him at
The Comedy Store.
The comic comes out, "How you doing?
Where you from?" "Phoenix."
"**** Phoenix."
And the audience laughs.
I don't get it.
"Where you from?" "Boston."
"**** Boston."
Oh, big laugh again.
I don't get it.
Why would they pay somebody
to get on a plane...
...to come to another city
and say, "****"?
I would talk to the guy next to me,
save myself $55.
Like the cat **** coffee.
You'd just eat regular dog ****...
-...and save $75.
-That's right.
That culture that we grew up in...
...don't you think
that's somewhat gone now?
Comedy does not change.
If I show you...
...a scene from a Rudolph Valentino
movie in the '20s...
...you're not gonna think it's romantic.
Probably gonna think it's stupid.
But if I show you a Keaton or a Chaplin
film from the '20s, same era...
-...you're gonna laugh just as hard.
-That's true.
The fat guy, rich guy,
fall in the mud puddle...
...is as funny now as it was in 1920.
The guy doing this with the girl--
You know, it seems hokey.
-But comedy really doesn't change.
-Right, right.
Things stay the same, I think.
To me, the comedy's like
a concealed weapon.
You carry it around
and no one knows you have it...
...and then you say something
and people laugh, you go:
"I've leveled the room here."
Think about the time
before you were officially a comedian.
-You didn't quite fit in.
-No.
As a young comic,
you're really just obnoxious.
You're just a horrible idiot.
I remember fourth grade,
walking around, going:
"And.... As President Kennedy."
Just doing the Vaughn Meader.
My mother: "Stop doing that voice."
I don't know why,
I just found it fun to do.
What was the thing you did as a kid...
...that made your mother the most upset?
One thing I was pretty good at
was attendance.
I never really was ever sick
or skipped school.
I was 16...
...and I had my license.
I said, "Can I take the day off?"
"You have to go to school."
"Come on, just one day."
"Okay, well, whatever you do...
...don't go near the high school."
"Of course not, I won't go near it.
What an idiot you'd be."
First thing I do,
I go up to the high school.
And I got my '65 Buick
with the 401 and a 4-speed in it.
Everyone's mingling
in front of the lunch room.
"There's Leno." I'd pull in,
"You idiots are at school."
"Hey, lay a patch."
So I'd, like:
Just as Mr. Adams,
who was our vice principal...
...he was just about to
touch the fender and:
I didn't see him there,
I lay this patch of rubber...
...and I speed out. So I get home,
then I hear:
Coming down the hall,
my mother's got this frying pan.
And I go, "Hi, Ma," and she goes:
Knocked me out. And I went down,
had a big dent in my head.
"You idiot,
I told you not to go to the high school!"
It was stupid.
Somebody said to me,
"Well, you're really angry.
You have a lot of anger."
I go, "Because it's funny."
Yeah, well, they miss the point
of the comedy. It's not real anger.
You wanna see real anger?
I'll tell you a real anger story.
One time, I get a call from Sinatra.
"When I go do this...."
Some kind of thing in Chicago.
I said, "I can't do that gig, I'm at the
Holiday House next week in Pittsburgh."
Two hours later, something like that,
Sinatra's agent calls me:
"Hey, we called the Holiday House,
they don't need you."
"What's that?"
"They don't need you."
"But I'm booked there."
"They don't need you.
So you wanna go to Chicago?"
"Yeah. Okay."
I go to Chicago,
and it's some kind of....
How can I say this?
Just interesting characters.
It's a golf outing to raise money
for some kind of church.
And there's a very famous
gangster there.
So I do my little act,
and it gets some laughs, I sit down.
The gangster guy gets up.
And he starts talking, you know.
I think he said ****
or some four-letter word.
And the priest, a couple
seats down, goes like this:
And this guy goes:
"Hey, Father, you got your
10 grand in the bag...
...shut the **** up!"
And the veins are popping....
"Shut the **** up!"
Just screaming.
The priest is sitting there, holding
his little bag with the 10 grand in it.
I was like,
"Let me get out of here."
I go to leave, this guy says:
"You were funny, I'd like you to...
...play golf with us." "I don't play golf."
"What do you mean you don't play golf?"
I said, "Yeah, yeah, I'll come."
So I get in the golf cart, we drive....
I don't know how to play golf.
We get out to, like, the 12th hole...
...and there are these
50- to 60-year-old hookers, topless...
...leopard-skin print dresses with drinks.
"Hey, fellas."
Craziest place I'd ever been,
then the guy says, "I like you."
He goes, "We called Stallone.
He was busy. He was busy!"
And then the veins start pop-- I said,
"Well, take it easy, I'm sure he was--"
"He was--!" That was real anger,
not, like, comedy anger.
-Very close.
-Forty-nine.
-Forty-nine!
-What year are you?
You know, when I was a kid,
I always had two jobs...
...and I'd bank one,
and I'd spend the other.
Then when I got The Tonight Show,
I continued to do that.
It kept me working,
and it made me take gigs...
...I might not normally take.
Really? Here's what's funny
to me about you:
That you worry that you might
suffer from a lack of motivation.
That will never, ever, ever happen
in the life of Jay Leno.
-But that's what keeps me going.
-No, it isn't. It's a dumb game...
...that means nothing. The real
motivation of being a comedian...
...is if you really love
the sound of a laugh.
If you love that,
you will never wanna stop.
You realize, of course...
-...we're both in our 60s now.
-Yes.
From this point, the audiences
are gonna get smaller as we go.
You know something?
The best days of my life--
And I think you will agree with me.
--was playing to 60 or 70 people.
-I would rather sell out a 125-seat room...
-Right.
...than have a half-empty
1400-seat room.
Do you think, if you're lucky enough
to live into your 80s and 90s...
...you'll still do shows
like those old guys?
I think it would be fun to do.
And, you know,
I like playing to my age group.
I mean, I've gone from,
"I'm a big fan of yours."
"My mom is a big fan of yours."
"My grandmother loves you."
That's fine! I'll take it!
See, you can't have a conversation
like this in a real interview.
"What is a Jay Leno?"
You get those....
You have those kind of conversations.
"What makes you tick?"
"Well, I'm not ticking.
I'm telling jokes, I'm not ticking."
-I'm not ticking.
-Don't say I'm ticking.
-You'll make fun of my cell--
-You have a flip phone?
I have a flip phone, yeah.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee will be
right back after this brief word...
...from our sponsor.
Is there anything in your career
that you would've done different?
You came to me, you were
just starting with Seinfeld...
...the first couple of episodes,
and wanted to do The Tonight Show.
And Helen told me,
"Look, Brandon doesn't wanna do this.
It's a network decision."
And I let you down. I really did,
I should've really fought for it--
-Oh, Jay.
-Well, that was it.
That's the thing I regretted
more than anything else.
Well, you really don't need to.
That was politics, we were young...
...and we were trying to figure out
how to navigate big-time show business...
...and mistakes were made.
We all made them.
But it didn't affect our friendship.
But I'll tell you one thing
I'll never do again:
A cup of coffee,
that was awful.
That was my last cup of coffee.
That's it, I am out of here.
This is a 1949 Porsche 356/2.
This is one
of the very first production cars...
...produced by the Porsche company.
The first cars were built by hand
in a sawmill in Gmünd, Austria.
That's why
a lot of people call them "Gmünds."
They were made
mostly of Volkswagen parts...
...but the body had a very advanced
aerodynamic shape...
...and was made
of all hand-formed aluminum.
This car was the 40th of 52 cars made...
...before they came to their senses
and realized:
"We can't have a car company...
...where we're building
each one of these things by hand."
This car somehow survived...
...with 100 percent
of its original components intact.
The most amazing thing to me
about this car...
...is if you get in a Porsche
that was built today...
...they feel kind of similar.
I love it because, to me,
it looks like a little alien flying saucer.
Imagine how it looked in 1949.
-Hello?
-Do you remember the day we met?
Do I remember the day we met?
I'm trying to think--
I believe it was The Laff Stop
in Newport Beach.
That's right, The Laff Stop in Newport.
That means
we've known each other 35 years.
There you go.
So I thought maybe
we could get a cup of coffee together.
I've never had a cup of coffee,
but since I've known you 35 years...
...I live in Hollywood
and I'm not addicted to anything...
...it's nice you're introducing me
to an addictive product, I appreciate it.
I'll come and pick you up at the shop.
Where you,
who's not addicted to anything...
...are in possession
of 200-some-odd cars and motorcycles.
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is:
My guest today is Jay Leno.
Jay's one of the greatest
standup comedians I've ever seen...
...the host of The Tonight Show
for 20 years, and concluded the run...
...as the number one
talk show in late night television.
Oh, look at this. Very nice.
-It's a hand-hammered body.
-Hand-made right after the war.
As you can see, the body came out
so badly they never sold it.
-And the corduroy upholstery with--
-All original.
Boy, that's beautiful.
-There's your numbers, right there.
-Yeah. Number 40.
-So off we go.
-Let's do it.
How come I've never seen you
in a pair of sunglasses?
-I can't stand sunglasses.
-Why not?
Because I go, "What does it look like now?
What's happening, for real?"
-No.
-I don't wanna be fooled.
-Did you see Gravity? In 3D?
-I did see Gravity.
It's blurry
when you take off the glasses.
-Of course.
-I kept checking.
-Did you like it? It was fantastic, wasn't it?
-It was great. Fantastic.
And I love the people nit-picking it.
"Well, you know,
the debris is coming the wrong direction."
Hey, how about this? The astronauts
are Sandra Bullock and George Clooney!
How about that, huh?
How about that for phony?
You ever think about that?
It's so stupid.
They're not astronauts,
they live in Beverly Hills.
Hey, yeah, they're actors!
How about this? There's no chance...
...of Cloudy with a Side of Meatballs,
okay?
That's not gonna happen either.
The thing that's amazing about this car
is how modern it feels.
I would know right away
I was in a Porsche.
-It rides, actually, very nice.
-I know, isn't it pretty remarkable?
-What do we have here?
-That's headlights.
Headlight dimmer.
That's the satellite navigation,
the stereo...
-Right, you gotta have all that.
-...and the cup holder.
-Very tiny cup would go there.
-Tiny cup.
You know, to this day
on The Tonight Show...
...every time I walk out,
I say to Joey:
"You all know him as Frankie
on Benson."
Come on.
-Yes, because they-- I love it.
-You love that story.
And I have to tell people what it is.
How many appearances did you do?
I got a part on Benson in 1980.
I had shot two of them and then
I got an appearance on Merv Griffin.
Here's Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry.
-But when you did Merv Griffin...
-Yes.
-...Merv said, "This'll air in 2 months."
-Right.
-And you hadn't done anything, really.
-No.
So Merv goes out and goes:
"You all know him as Frankie on Benson."
And the audience goes--
What? What?
Like you were there.
-I was there! I went with you! I did!
-No, you weren't.
Those were back in the days
when the comics...
-...always went with other comics.
-That's true.
You watch my very first Tonight Show,
you hear:
-You hear Robin Williams laughing--
-Because it was such a big deal.
-It was a huge deal back then.
-Yeah, it was.
Do you feel bad at all
for young guys today...
...that they have no feeling
like we had of that?
I don't think that's changed.
When you're on The Tonight Show,
or on Letterman...
-...you own that network for 7 minutes.
-Right.
You're the only thing
on that entire network around the world!
Believe me, I have been backstage
with new comics and they're like this:
"Oh, Mr. Leno, thank you so much.
My grandma's watching...." You know?
-You're by yourself. You own it.
-Right.
-How old are you now?
-Sixty-three.
I love it when people turn away
to say their age.
-Sixty-three.
-Sixty-three.
You know, Jay,
when I met you in the '70s...
...and went to your house every night,
we'd hang out...
...you formed my whole
professional attitude...
...as a young man.
And I always tell people
that I learned comedy from Jay.
-You remember the movie The Natural?
-Sure, of course.
I love the title. You are a natural.
Because the really funny comedians...
-...are funny--
-When they're not on-stage.
How many times does one of these
old comic guys, Alan King, Rickles...
...tell a serious story and you laugh
and they go, "What are you laughing at?"
Well, you're a comedian.
You're making me laugh.
Don't people say that to you
all the time: "Is this a bit?"
You go, "No, I'm talking.
I'm talking right now."
"This is in your act."
No, no! It's not in my act!
I'm trying to get directions.
Well, you know why we became friends...
...is because we shared
this basic outlook on our profession...
...which is: there's no awful gigs.
That all gigs are great.
There are awful gigs.
I remember I used to do Playboy Clubs,
and those clubs had a room director.
At the end of the day,
he'd take out a card and go:
"I'm gonna grade you on your act...
...and this card goes right to Mr. Hefner.
You have to sign it."
One day I'm in some Playboy Club
in New York...
...I go on-stage...
...not a laugh, nothing!
I come off-stage, the guy goes,
"Hey, come here. You get an F."
"What is this crowd?"
He goes, "They're from Portugal,
it's a bus tour."
"From Portugal? You didn't tell me that."
He goes, "You just make your act
Portuguese."
I go, "I don't speak Portuguese,
you can't give me an F."
"You gotta sign it." "No, I'm not signing it!"
"You'll never work here again."
I have to sign the card that goes to
Mr. Hefner. I got an F.
That was a bad gig.
-That was a bad gig.
-You got paid, didn't you?
-I did get paid.
-All right.
Then quit your bellyaching.
Wow, isn't that the new
Acura NSX?
-It is the Acura NSX.
-Holy cow.
Now that's a product placement.
-Did you get one of those?
-I got the first one coming.
-I got the first one coming.
-No, no. I got the first one.
-No, but they promised me--
-No, I called them...
...and said, "I'll take the first one.
If Jerry wants one, give him car 28."
-Really?
-You said, "I got a lot of cars."
-I don't remember that.
-Maybe you didn't say it...
...but I said it to the head NSX guy.
-I'm gonna make a call.
-Yeah, yeah.
I gotta make a call too.
Very nice.
And it's a hybrid system, isn't it?
Glad I got the first one.
Leno....
Two guys are hunting.
Guy goes, "Whoa, whoa, big hole.
How deep is that?"
He goes,
"Let's throw something in the hole."
So they see this rusty old anvil
lying over there...
...so they drag it over,
and they throw the anvil:
They don't even hear it hit.
Next thing, they hear:
"What's that?"
They see a goat coming at them.
The goat goes...almost knocks
them over, dives down the hole.
And they hear, "Becky, Becky!"
This old farmer yelling, "Becky!"
So the farmer sees the hunters
and goes, "Hey, you guys see a goat?"
"Yes, a goat went by us about
80 miles-an-hour, jumped in that hole."
The farmer goes, "That's impossible.
I had him chained to an anvil."
-That's a great joke, isn't it?
-That is so stupid.
I think the Board of Health might have
some questions here.
This doesn't seem like the most....
I got some spider hair
in my cappuccino.
-Juan Valdez would do each bean.
-Each bean?
And this one would be, "I'm sorry,
this one's going over here."
Having my first cup of coffee ever.
Very excited about that.
-Know about civet coffee?
-Yeah.
-With the cat?
-I would love to try that.
It tastes exactly
like what you think.
-Digestive system of....
-Right, of the lemur.
I want to meet the guy who was picking
through some cat poo:
"Hey."
You go, "It tastes like crap."
What's the advantage?
Why don't I eat regular dog poo
and save $75, you know?
Go to the park.
We put a charge of coffee
up in the top.
Then it roasts for about 13 minutes
inside the roasting drum.
Then the cat sits up here
and squats over the....
-Watch what I do, Jay.
-I'll put in some milk.
-Put some sugar in.
-A little sugar....
What kind of spoon is this,
like a coke house?
Here we go.
-It's horrible.
-You're not gonna get it in one cup, okay?
So do the best you can.
Clean it up.
-This is like taking care of an old man.
-Oh, God. That's awful.
Horrible.
Do the gangster hierarchy laugh.
-I love that bit.
-The idea is...
...when you watch old movies,
criminals will always laugh...
...in descending order
of the head criminal.
The head guy will go,
"Tomorrow night...
...Eliot Ness will be dead."
Then you get to the guy
in the corner:
The guy who's not quite as sharp
as the other gangsters.
He kind of, you know.
When you pick up your cell phone,
press that first button...
...that call is traced.
But even modern movies now,
like, with NSA...
...you always have this scene:
"Keep him on the line!
Did you get it?"
At some point in the '60s,
comedy became...
...denser, faster, and more direct.
Who do you think was
the pivot guy?
Would you say it was Alan King
or George Carlin?
I would say Richie Pryor.
I said to Mitzi at The Comedy Store,
"Let me go on after Richard."
It's the best place to find out
if your stuff is funny.
Most comedians
go where their audience is.
"I didn't like that crowd.
I like this crowd."
No, no. You got this crowd.
Work to get that crowd.
I thought I had an hour.
After following Richie every night...
...I realized I had maybe 16 minutes.
Did I bomb? Most of the time.
It just made me a stronger comic.
-I'm gonna have your coffee.
-Go on. It's delicious.
The joke that cemented my relationship
with Letterman--
I approached him,
I saw him at The Comedy Store...
...and he was talking about
editorials in local newspapers...
...and he said,
"We are diametrically opposed...
...to the use of orphans
as yardage markers...
...on public golf courses."
And I just liked the phraseology of that.
Hearing comedians
do a certain routine...
...is like listening to a song
with a lyric that I like.
It's like Patrick Henry said,
"Give me liberty, or give me death."
And people went, "Did you hear him?
That's pretty good."
He could have said,
"I don't care if you ******* hang me."
Then you'd be dead.
But he just knew how to say it properly.
I'll tell you a funny story.
This famous comedian,
who shall remain nameless...
...saw him at
The Comedy Store.
The comic comes out, "How you doing?
Where you from?" "Phoenix."
"**** Phoenix."
And the audience laughs.
I don't get it.
"Where you from?" "Boston."
"**** Boston."
Oh, big laugh again.
I don't get it.
Why would they pay somebody
to get on a plane...
...to come to another city
and say, "****"?
I would talk to the guy next to me,
save myself $55.
Like the cat **** coffee.
You'd just eat regular dog ****...
-...and save $75.
-That's right.
That culture that we grew up in...
...don't you think
that's somewhat gone now?
Comedy does not change.
If I show you...
...a scene from a Rudolph Valentino
movie in the '20s...
...you're not gonna think it's romantic.
Probably gonna think it's stupid.
But if I show you a Keaton or a Chaplin
film from the '20s, same era...
-...you're gonna laugh just as hard.
-That's true.
The fat guy, rich guy,
fall in the mud puddle...
...is as funny now as it was in 1920.
The guy doing this with the girl--
You know, it seems hokey.
-But comedy really doesn't change.
-Right, right.
Things stay the same, I think.
To me, the comedy's like
a concealed weapon.
You carry it around
and no one knows you have it...
...and then you say something
and people laugh, you go:
"I've leveled the room here."
Think about the time
before you were officially a comedian.
-You didn't quite fit in.
-No.
As a young comic,
you're really just obnoxious.
You're just a horrible idiot.
I remember fourth grade,
walking around, going:
"And.... As President Kennedy."
Just doing the Vaughn Meader.
My mother: "Stop doing that voice."
I don't know why,
I just found it fun to do.
What was the thing you did as a kid...
...that made your mother the most upset?
One thing I was pretty good at
was attendance.
I never really was ever sick
or skipped school.
I was 16...
...and I had my license.
I said, "Can I take the day off?"
"You have to go to school."
"Come on, just one day."
"Okay, well, whatever you do...
...don't go near the high school."
"Of course not, I won't go near it.
What an idiot you'd be."
First thing I do,
I go up to the high school.
And I got my '65 Buick
with the 401 and a 4-speed in it.
Everyone's mingling
in front of the lunch room.
"There's Leno." I'd pull in,
"You idiots are at school."
"Hey, lay a patch."
So I'd, like:
Just as Mr. Adams,
who was our vice principal...
...he was just about to
touch the fender and:
I didn't see him there,
I lay this patch of rubber...
...and I speed out. So I get home,
then I hear:
Coming down the hall,
my mother's got this frying pan.
And I go, "Hi, Ma," and she goes:
Knocked me out. And I went down,
had a big dent in my head.
"You idiot,
I told you not to go to the high school!"
It was stupid.
Somebody said to me,
"Well, you're really angry.
You have a lot of anger."
I go, "Because it's funny."
Yeah, well, they miss the point
of the comedy. It's not real anger.
You wanna see real anger?
I'll tell you a real anger story.
One time, I get a call from Sinatra.
"When I go do this...."
Some kind of thing in Chicago.
I said, "I can't do that gig, I'm at the
Holiday House next week in Pittsburgh."
Two hours later, something like that,
Sinatra's agent calls me:
"Hey, we called the Holiday House,
they don't need you."
"What's that?"
"They don't need you."
"But I'm booked there."
"They don't need you.
So you wanna go to Chicago?"
"Yeah. Okay."
I go to Chicago,
and it's some kind of....
How can I say this?
Just interesting characters.
It's a golf outing to raise money
for some kind of church.
And there's a very famous
gangster there.
So I do my little act,
and it gets some laughs, I sit down.
The gangster guy gets up.
And he starts talking, you know.
I think he said ****
or some four-letter word.
And the priest, a couple
seats down, goes like this:
And this guy goes:
"Hey, Father, you got your
10 grand in the bag...
...shut the **** up!"
And the veins are popping....
"Shut the **** up!"
Just screaming.
The priest is sitting there, holding
his little bag with the 10 grand in it.
I was like,
"Let me get out of here."
I go to leave, this guy says:
"You were funny, I'd like you to...
...play golf with us." "I don't play golf."
"What do you mean you don't play golf?"
I said, "Yeah, yeah, I'll come."
So I get in the golf cart, we drive....
I don't know how to play golf.
We get out to, like, the 12th hole...
...and there are these
50- to 60-year-old hookers, topless...
...leopard-skin print dresses with drinks.
"Hey, fellas."
Craziest place I'd ever been,
then the guy says, "I like you."
He goes, "We called Stallone.
He was busy. He was busy!"
And then the veins start pop-- I said,
"Well, take it easy, I'm sure he was--"
"He was--!" That was real anger,
not, like, comedy anger.
-Very close.
-Forty-nine.
-Forty-nine!
-What year are you?
You know, when I was a kid,
I always had two jobs...
...and I'd bank one,
and I'd spend the other.
Then when I got The Tonight Show,
I continued to do that.
It kept me working,
and it made me take gigs...
...I might not normally take.
Really? Here's what's funny
to me about you:
That you worry that you might
suffer from a lack of motivation.
That will never, ever, ever happen
in the life of Jay Leno.
-But that's what keeps me going.
-No, it isn't. It's a dumb game...
...that means nothing. The real
motivation of being a comedian...
...is if you really love
the sound of a laugh.
If you love that,
you will never wanna stop.
You realize, of course...
-...we're both in our 60s now.
-Yes.
From this point, the audiences
are gonna get smaller as we go.
You know something?
The best days of my life--
And I think you will agree with me.
--was playing to 60 or 70 people.
-I would rather sell out a 125-seat room...
-Right.
...than have a half-empty
1400-seat room.
Do you think, if you're lucky enough
to live into your 80s and 90s...
...you'll still do shows
like those old guys?
I think it would be fun to do.
And, you know,
I like playing to my age group.
I mean, I've gone from,
"I'm a big fan of yours."
"My mom is a big fan of yours."
"My grandmother loves you."
That's fine! I'll take it!
See, you can't have a conversation
like this in a real interview.
"What is a Jay Leno?"
You get those....
You have those kind of conversations.
"What makes you tick?"
"Well, I'm not ticking.
I'm telling jokes, I'm not ticking."
-I'm not ticking.
-Don't say I'm ticking.
-You'll make fun of my cell--
-You have a flip phone?
I have a flip phone, yeah.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee will be
right back after this brief word...
...from our sponsor.
Is there anything in your career
that you would've done different?
You came to me, you were
just starting with Seinfeld...
...the first couple of episodes,
and wanted to do The Tonight Show.
And Helen told me,
"Look, Brandon doesn't wanna do this.
It's a network decision."
And I let you down. I really did,
I should've really fought for it--
-Oh, Jay.
-Well, that was it.
That's the thing I regretted
more than anything else.
Well, you really don't need to.
That was politics, we were young...
...and we were trying to figure out
how to navigate big-time show business...
...and mistakes were made.
We all made them.
But it didn't affect our friendship.
But I'll tell you one thing
I'll never do again:
A cup of coffee,
that was awful.
That was my last cup of coffee.
That's it, I am out of here.