Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - You'll Never Play the Copa - full transcript
Jerry Seinfeld transports comedian Don Rickles in a 1958 Cadillac Eldorado to Factor's Famous Deli in Los Angeles for some food and conversation.
ripped by antsh
The forecast,
plenty of sunshine through today...
...with seasonal temperatures,
we should return--
This is a 1958
Cadillac Eldorado Seville...
...in Gleneagles green...
...with a Bimini green metallic interior
covered in protective plastic.
It has a 335 horsepower V-8 engine.
It goes 0 to 60 in 10.7 seconds,
but who cares?
The longer people are looking at you
in this car, the better.
If you were an American at the top
of whatever you did in the late '50s...
...and you wanted to drive around
in a mobile version of Las Vegas...
...this is it. A car that's as thrilled
with itself as you are.
-Hello?
-Don? It's Jerry.
I'm so excited, I'm going to
drop my pants and fire a rocket.
What's the matter, you need money?
What can I do?
-I'm looking forward to seeing you today.
-You're like aschnorrerwith this car crap.
It's doing a lot to me, you know that.
-Oh, yeah?
-How about nothing?
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee.
That's funny.
My guest today is one of the faces
that, in my opinion...
...would be on the Mount Rushmore
of stand-up comedy...
...Mr. Don Rickles.
The other three are Pryor, Carlin,
and Cosby, by the way.
I've known Don for over 20 years...
...and as far as I'm concerned,
he is the man.
-Hello?
-Don?
What do you mean, "Don"?
This isn't a grocery store
for Christ's sake, "Don."
-Mr. Rickles?
-Okay, listen, hurry up...
...for what you pay,
this should be over.
Kiss themezuzah.
Okay. You don't believe in that? Figures.
You're one of those voodoo Jews. Okay.
-You're driving?
-Yes.
I'm gonna drive,
you're gonna jog alongside.
Do you have to wear the hat?
You don't like it?
I wanna see your face.
I paid for Don Rickles.
Take me back to 1958.
Could you afford a car like this in 1958?
No, no. Bicycle.
Those days, my mother, rest her soul,
she had her friend drive me to jobs.
They used to sit in the kitchen and
wait for the boss to come out and say:
"We don't want this man here,
he's ruining our business."
My best
recollection is....
I went to the American Academy
of Dramatic Arts.
-That's not comedy.
-Yeah, I know.
-This is a show about comedy.
-Yeah. Really?
Who were your friends,
who did you pal around with?
Guy called Herkie Styles.
-That's a good name for a comic.
-He was a wonderful comedian.
-I wasn't much of a hang-around guy.
-Right.
-Horse room or something. Never did that.
-The where? The horse room?
-In Vegas.
-You mean betting.
-Betting, yeah.
-So you didn't gamble.
-Were you a drinker?
-In those days.
Side of the mouth,
little drippings of vodka.
When you worked those places,
you had to have guts.
-Yes.
-And a Diet Coke wouldn't do it.
As time marched on.... I never
have a drink when I'm not working.
-Never.
-Really?
Except socially, in a restaurant.
At home, never.
Then it's not never.
Well, what are you,
from Alcoholics Anonymous?
-I'm just trying to--
-Trying to put me in a place.
-I wanna figure out what happened.
-I don't like that, Jerry.
The wife has been trying for a long time.
She keeps moving the medicine.
I get up in the morning and say,
"Where's my pills?"
She says, "Find them."
She made it a scavenger hunt
to stay alive.
-And you know what else I love?
-De Niro.
You know, I worked with him onCasino.
The opening line, I said-- God's truth.
With the lights and Scorsese
and everything.
And they go, "Roll them!"
and he goes, "You know...."
Charlie...."
I said, "Hold it,
I can't work with this man.
He's mumbling and spitting all over,
I don't need this, Marty."
The crew was on the floor. They said,
"Don't say nothing, Bob don't like...."
The second day we were having vodka
in the dressing room every night.
"To Italy," boom. You know.
Yeah, but you never have a drink.
I worked for four
presidents of the United States.
I know the Reagan one.
That was a big night, wasn't it?
One of the most exciting nights
of my career.
Sinatra said, "You don't have Sir Rickles,
you don't have me."
-That's what he said.
-Really?
Reagan liked me because when
he was governor, I'd rib him.
I said, "My cousin's going
to the chair Thursday...
...one phone call, one call.
Ronnie, you have nothing else to do.
Forget golf, all you have to
say is, 'Warden, he's innocent.'"
He'd fall out of the chair.
And the big line
was the Billy Graham thing.
"Dr. Graham, if you could fix this hand.
It's making me crazy."
You have to be so much funnier
than most guys to do what you do.
There's no act. There's no, "You should
hear what Don says about this."
You're just using
your raw funny all the time.
Thank you.
-Which is difficult...
...any comedian
knows that.
What was it like playing
the Copacabana?
It was handled by
Joe Scandore for 40 years.
-I remember Joe.
-He knew a lot of guys...
-...their nose were crooked, you know?
-I do.
In those days,
I always got a chance in a night club.
They found me funny,
that's how I got to the Copa.
Everybody that was important came.
Really.
Jules Podell said:
"I don't want this man in my place,
no wise-guy...
...no dummy that makes fun of my people.
It's high class, it's the Copacabana.
This kid will never, as long as I'm alive,
star in this place."
And Joe had a high voice, like:
"Why, sweetheart?
He's a very good comedian."
"I don't care, Joe,
he's not gonna be in this place."
Two days later: "Hello, Don...
...you're one of the cleverest,
most entertaining guys...
...and you will star at the Copacabana."
Have you eaten yet today? Anything?
-I had my corn flakes.
-Corn flakes, you had?
-You really are living in 1958.
-Yeah.
What about coffee?
-Yeah.
-Are you in the mood for coffee?
Yeah, it's America,
of course I'll have coffee.
All right, let's go get some coffee.
-Coffee?
-Two, please. Thank you so much.
-And Sweet'n Low.
-You don't wanna get heavy.
Eighty-seven in May.
Eighty-seven, God bless you.
You know, I keep working.
I gotta keep working.
Bob Newhart and I-- Isn't that something?
Two guys that are completely different.
He came from the Mid-West.
A real giant gentile, God bless him.
It's the wives. I say this on the show.
The wives. You know that with your wife.
If your wife likes the woman that you're--
And you like the guy,
and she don't like the guy...
-...it's over. Am I right?
-That's it.
And I said, "This guy's great, Barbara."
'You're not gonna see him again."
Like in Europe,
we used to go into Harrods...
...and she'd buy-- "I'll get these gloves...
...and listen, I'll have that skirt,
oh, yeah, and that jacket...
...oh, yes, and give me that scarf."
And I say,
"Oh, boy, this is a beautiful tie."
"You don't need that."
That was my name:
"You don't need that."
You're a baseball guy.
Dodgers.
I used to go to the dugout....
Talked to Lasorda,
put on the uniform one night.
Said, "Go out and take the pitcher out."
I'm in the uniform.
Walk out to the mound, 50,000 people.
"Give me the ball."
"You don't know me,
what are you doing?"
Harry Wendelstedt, who passed away,
the head umpire, come racing out.
Rips off the mask, "What the hell--? Don,
can you get me four seats in Vegas...
...the Dean Martin show, just four seats."
Can I get you anything?
How about a picture of China?
-I'll go with you.
-Sarah....
-We'll get together, don't say nothing.
-I won't.
Because as soon as I saw you, I knew.
I knew it was you and me.
In those days, it was unheard of
to do what I did.
-Right.
-It was, "What is he doing?"
At the beginning, in the audiences,
there was one wise guy in Montreal...
...and he was a bad guy, really bad.
And he was sitting ringside,
and I said, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yeah." I said....
Jerry, I said....
"She's a moose."
Then I turned to the band.
"Am I crazy? You guys take a look."
They stand and go....
-Enjoy dinner.
-Thank you.
Now I'm gonna watch an old Jew
eat a salad.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
I was the only guy with Frank Sinatra
to get away with murder.
Rest his soul, I love him.
-Were you guys really friends?
-No.
We're sitting here now, right?
And he would say, "You know--"
and I would say, "Frank, I'm talking."
-Nobody else would do that.
-Nobody.
-And he would go:
-He loved it.
Give me a night in Vegas,
you're working, he's working...
...after the show you get together?
-Yeah.
-Take me through that.
Usually I'd have to chase the car.
"Wait up, Frank."
Whatever he said, we loved.
It was exciting to be with him...
-...and do whatever he wanted.
-Why?
He had a charisma--
You walked into a restaurant, it stopped.
-It stopped, I'm telling you.
-Right.
But after the shows,
we usually went someplace...
...sit with him till 5, 6 in the morning.
-With drinks. Yeah.
-5, 6 in the morning?
Then we used to go early in the morning
out to Lake Mead.
I learned how to water ski.
I got pictures of me on one ski, two skis.
-After you finished staying up all night?
-Yeah.
-Go waterskiing?
-Go waterskiing.
But I know that if I had more education...
...I could've been
a damn good psychiatrist.
Really. That's what I do on the stage,
it's a form of psychiatry.
-What fun is that? Telling people--
-Well, I didn't do it.
I take it as a credit that I possibly--
In my own mind.
Well, if you need delusions,
that's your business.
So when you first started out
in the lounges in Vegas...
-...what time was your last show?
-Twelve, 2, and 5 in the morning.
-Three a night?
-Three a night.
Over a bar, with guys like this:
"What, is this guy funny?"
It was tough.
-Tough. Oh, jeez.
-Till 5?
"Sir, could you-- When you get a minute,
could you look up?"
I'm on stage, right?
And it's packed, the lounge.
And the casino's packed, it's noisy as
hell, there's no way to stop the noise.
And I run out into the casino,
and get on a crap table, and yell:
"All right, that's it!
I'm on a goddamn stage and this noise
gotta stop, you understand me?"
I swear--
On my father's grave....
Who came up with the bull fighter theme
onTheTonight Show...
...as a play on for you?
-Me. Yeah.
-You did?
Accidentally.
-It's me, that's what I do.
-Right.
That's why when I go on a show,
Bob Hope in those days, with the cards...
...middle of a scene
with George Foreman...
...I get off the card and say, "George,
stand in the corner, knock yourself out."
Now they couldn't write that.
And the way I say it,
that's not a hilarious thing.
But when I say it, they scream,
because of the way I say it.
-You grew up in New York, right?
-Yes.
-Any relatives that are still around?
-My mother.
-You're mother's still with us?
-Yeah, 99 this year.
Oh, my God!
What am I complaining about? Jesus.
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
Nobody wants Don Rickles
for a shrink, by the way.
I'm counting on you, anything we said
might make somebody look bad...
-...I'll kill you.
-I would never.
-You think I'm stupid?
-Yeah.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee...
...will be right back after
this brief word from our sponsor.
Used to do all table stuff.
-You ever hear that name?
-I know it.
And he would take farina...
...put it in his mouth and say,
"Miss, could I have that...."
And he'd let it flow all over the table.
And he was funny as hell,
you got hysterical.
When he went on stage, right in the toilet.
He had four or five jokes and that was it.
But we'd sit in the Cabana,
in the daytime, like you...
...pounding the bench chairs on the floor.
-On the floor.
-I know.
-We went to the place.
-They get up in front of the crowd, nothing.
Dead. Dead.
-Why is that, Don?
-Who knows? Who knows?
Let me take care of this.
No, I insist.
You see how I was fighting over it?
The forecast,
plenty of sunshine through today...
...with seasonal temperatures,
we should return--
This is a 1958
Cadillac Eldorado Seville...
...in Gleneagles green...
...with a Bimini green metallic interior
covered in protective plastic.
It has a 335 horsepower V-8 engine.
It goes 0 to 60 in 10.7 seconds,
but who cares?
The longer people are looking at you
in this car, the better.
If you were an American at the top
of whatever you did in the late '50s...
...and you wanted to drive around
in a mobile version of Las Vegas...
...this is it. A car that's as thrilled
with itself as you are.
-Hello?
-Don? It's Jerry.
I'm so excited, I'm going to
drop my pants and fire a rocket.
What's the matter, you need money?
What can I do?
-I'm looking forward to seeing you today.
-You're like aschnorrerwith this car crap.
It's doing a lot to me, you know that.
-Oh, yeah?
-How about nothing?
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee.
That's funny.
My guest today is one of the faces
that, in my opinion...
...would be on the Mount Rushmore
of stand-up comedy...
...Mr. Don Rickles.
The other three are Pryor, Carlin,
and Cosby, by the way.
I've known Don for over 20 years...
...and as far as I'm concerned,
he is the man.
-Hello?
-Don?
What do you mean, "Don"?
This isn't a grocery store
for Christ's sake, "Don."
-Mr. Rickles?
-Okay, listen, hurry up...
...for what you pay,
this should be over.
Kiss themezuzah.
Okay. You don't believe in that? Figures.
You're one of those voodoo Jews. Okay.
-You're driving?
-Yes.
I'm gonna drive,
you're gonna jog alongside.
Do you have to wear the hat?
You don't like it?
I wanna see your face.
I paid for Don Rickles.
Take me back to 1958.
Could you afford a car like this in 1958?
No, no. Bicycle.
Those days, my mother, rest her soul,
she had her friend drive me to jobs.
They used to sit in the kitchen and
wait for the boss to come out and say:
"We don't want this man here,
he's ruining our business."
My best
recollection is....
I went to the American Academy
of Dramatic Arts.
-That's not comedy.
-Yeah, I know.
-This is a show about comedy.
-Yeah. Really?
Who were your friends,
who did you pal around with?
Guy called Herkie Styles.
-That's a good name for a comic.
-He was a wonderful comedian.
-I wasn't much of a hang-around guy.
-Right.
-Horse room or something. Never did that.
-The where? The horse room?
-In Vegas.
-You mean betting.
-Betting, yeah.
-So you didn't gamble.
-Were you a drinker?
-In those days.
Side of the mouth,
little drippings of vodka.
When you worked those places,
you had to have guts.
-Yes.
-And a Diet Coke wouldn't do it.
As time marched on.... I never
have a drink when I'm not working.
-Never.
-Really?
Except socially, in a restaurant.
At home, never.
Then it's not never.
Well, what are you,
from Alcoholics Anonymous?
-I'm just trying to--
-Trying to put me in a place.
-I wanna figure out what happened.
-I don't like that, Jerry.
The wife has been trying for a long time.
She keeps moving the medicine.
I get up in the morning and say,
"Where's my pills?"
She says, "Find them."
She made it a scavenger hunt
to stay alive.
-And you know what else I love?
-De Niro.
You know, I worked with him onCasino.
The opening line, I said-- God's truth.
With the lights and Scorsese
and everything.
And they go, "Roll them!"
and he goes, "You know...."
Charlie...."
I said, "Hold it,
I can't work with this man.
He's mumbling and spitting all over,
I don't need this, Marty."
The crew was on the floor. They said,
"Don't say nothing, Bob don't like...."
The second day we were having vodka
in the dressing room every night.
"To Italy," boom. You know.
Yeah, but you never have a drink.
I worked for four
presidents of the United States.
I know the Reagan one.
That was a big night, wasn't it?
One of the most exciting nights
of my career.
Sinatra said, "You don't have Sir Rickles,
you don't have me."
-That's what he said.
-Really?
Reagan liked me because when
he was governor, I'd rib him.
I said, "My cousin's going
to the chair Thursday...
...one phone call, one call.
Ronnie, you have nothing else to do.
Forget golf, all you have to
say is, 'Warden, he's innocent.'"
He'd fall out of the chair.
And the big line
was the Billy Graham thing.
"Dr. Graham, if you could fix this hand.
It's making me crazy."
You have to be so much funnier
than most guys to do what you do.
There's no act. There's no, "You should
hear what Don says about this."
You're just using
your raw funny all the time.
Thank you.
-Which is difficult...
...any comedian
knows that.
What was it like playing
the Copacabana?
It was handled by
Joe Scandore for 40 years.
-I remember Joe.
-He knew a lot of guys...
-...their nose were crooked, you know?
-I do.
In those days,
I always got a chance in a night club.
They found me funny,
that's how I got to the Copa.
Everybody that was important came.
Really.
Jules Podell said:
"I don't want this man in my place,
no wise-guy...
...no dummy that makes fun of my people.
It's high class, it's the Copacabana.
This kid will never, as long as I'm alive,
star in this place."
And Joe had a high voice, like:
"Why, sweetheart?
He's a very good comedian."
"I don't care, Joe,
he's not gonna be in this place."
Two days later: "Hello, Don...
...you're one of the cleverest,
most entertaining guys...
...and you will star at the Copacabana."
Have you eaten yet today? Anything?
-I had my corn flakes.
-Corn flakes, you had?
-You really are living in 1958.
-Yeah.
What about coffee?
-Yeah.
-Are you in the mood for coffee?
Yeah, it's America,
of course I'll have coffee.
All right, let's go get some coffee.
-Coffee?
-Two, please. Thank you so much.
-And Sweet'n Low.
-You don't wanna get heavy.
Eighty-seven in May.
Eighty-seven, God bless you.
You know, I keep working.
I gotta keep working.
Bob Newhart and I-- Isn't that something?
Two guys that are completely different.
He came from the Mid-West.
A real giant gentile, God bless him.
It's the wives. I say this on the show.
The wives. You know that with your wife.
If your wife likes the woman that you're--
And you like the guy,
and she don't like the guy...
-...it's over. Am I right?
-That's it.
And I said, "This guy's great, Barbara."
'You're not gonna see him again."
Like in Europe,
we used to go into Harrods...
...and she'd buy-- "I'll get these gloves...
...and listen, I'll have that skirt,
oh, yeah, and that jacket...
...oh, yes, and give me that scarf."
And I say,
"Oh, boy, this is a beautiful tie."
"You don't need that."
That was my name:
"You don't need that."
You're a baseball guy.
Dodgers.
I used to go to the dugout....
Talked to Lasorda,
put on the uniform one night.
Said, "Go out and take the pitcher out."
I'm in the uniform.
Walk out to the mound, 50,000 people.
"Give me the ball."
"You don't know me,
what are you doing?"
Harry Wendelstedt, who passed away,
the head umpire, come racing out.
Rips off the mask, "What the hell--? Don,
can you get me four seats in Vegas...
...the Dean Martin show, just four seats."
Can I get you anything?
How about a picture of China?
-I'll go with you.
-Sarah....
-We'll get together, don't say nothing.
-I won't.
Because as soon as I saw you, I knew.
I knew it was you and me.
In those days, it was unheard of
to do what I did.
-Right.
-It was, "What is he doing?"
At the beginning, in the audiences,
there was one wise guy in Montreal...
...and he was a bad guy, really bad.
And he was sitting ringside,
and I said, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yeah." I said....
Jerry, I said....
"She's a moose."
Then I turned to the band.
"Am I crazy? You guys take a look."
They stand and go....
-Enjoy dinner.
-Thank you.
Now I'm gonna watch an old Jew
eat a salad.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
I was the only guy with Frank Sinatra
to get away with murder.
Rest his soul, I love him.
-Were you guys really friends?
-No.
We're sitting here now, right?
And he would say, "You know--"
and I would say, "Frank, I'm talking."
-Nobody else would do that.
-Nobody.
-And he would go:
-He loved it.
Give me a night in Vegas,
you're working, he's working...
...after the show you get together?
-Yeah.
-Take me through that.
Usually I'd have to chase the car.
"Wait up, Frank."
Whatever he said, we loved.
It was exciting to be with him...
-...and do whatever he wanted.
-Why?
He had a charisma--
You walked into a restaurant, it stopped.
-It stopped, I'm telling you.
-Right.
But after the shows,
we usually went someplace...
...sit with him till 5, 6 in the morning.
-With drinks. Yeah.
-5, 6 in the morning?
Then we used to go early in the morning
out to Lake Mead.
I learned how to water ski.
I got pictures of me on one ski, two skis.
-After you finished staying up all night?
-Yeah.
-Go waterskiing?
-Go waterskiing.
But I know that if I had more education...
...I could've been
a damn good psychiatrist.
Really. That's what I do on the stage,
it's a form of psychiatry.
-What fun is that? Telling people--
-Well, I didn't do it.
I take it as a credit that I possibly--
In my own mind.
Well, if you need delusions,
that's your business.
So when you first started out
in the lounges in Vegas...
-...what time was your last show?
-Twelve, 2, and 5 in the morning.
-Three a night?
-Three a night.
Over a bar, with guys like this:
"What, is this guy funny?"
It was tough.
-Tough. Oh, jeez.
-Till 5?
"Sir, could you-- When you get a minute,
could you look up?"
I'm on stage, right?
And it's packed, the lounge.
And the casino's packed, it's noisy as
hell, there's no way to stop the noise.
And I run out into the casino,
and get on a crap table, and yell:
"All right, that's it!
I'm on a goddamn stage and this noise
gotta stop, you understand me?"
I swear--
On my father's grave....
Who came up with the bull fighter theme
onTheTonight Show...
...as a play on for you?
-Me. Yeah.
-You did?
Accidentally.
-It's me, that's what I do.
-Right.
That's why when I go on a show,
Bob Hope in those days, with the cards...
...middle of a scene
with George Foreman...
...I get off the card and say, "George,
stand in the corner, knock yourself out."
Now they couldn't write that.
And the way I say it,
that's not a hilarious thing.
But when I say it, they scream,
because of the way I say it.
-You grew up in New York, right?
-Yes.
-Any relatives that are still around?
-My mother.
-You're mother's still with us?
-Yeah, 99 this year.
Oh, my God!
What am I complaining about? Jesus.
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
Nobody wants Don Rickles
for a shrink, by the way.
I'm counting on you, anything we said
might make somebody look bad...
-...I'll kill you.
-I would never.
-You think I'm stupid?
-Yeah.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee...
...will be right back after
this brief word from our sponsor.
Used to do all table stuff.
-You ever hear that name?
-I know it.
And he would take farina...
...put it in his mouth and say,
"Miss, could I have that...."
And he'd let it flow all over the table.
And he was funny as hell,
you got hysterical.
When he went on stage, right in the toilet.
He had four or five jokes and that was it.
But we'd sit in the Cabana,
in the daytime, like you...
...pounding the bench chairs on the floor.
-On the floor.
-I know.
-We went to the place.
-They get up in front of the crowd, nothing.
Dead. Dead.
-Why is that, Don?
-Who knows? Who knows?
Let me take care of this.
No, I insist.
You see how I was fighting over it?