Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Really?! - full transcript

ripped by antsh

What if, at just the right time...

...just the right people
made just the right thing?

What if it came out so right that
no matter how hard anybody tried...

...they couldn't quite make a thing
that was better than that thing?

It doesn't happen much...

...but the 1973 Porsche 911
Carrera RS...

...is one of those things.

It was the first time a car company
put a race car into production.

Altogether, they made
1580 examples...

...they had thinner glass,
thinner metal...



...the very first aerodynamic spoiler
ever put on any car sold to the public.

It has a 210-horsepower flat-6 engine...

...and all of these numbers
mean nothing.

You can ask anybody
that's ever driven one.

There's something about this car
that feels perfect.

-Hello?
-Seth Meyers?

-Jerry Seinfeld?
-That's correct.

We had talked about having
some coffee. What do you think?

I would never say no
to coffee with you.

That is what I like to hear.

Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld...

...and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

Today my guest is the host of Weekend
Update on Saturday Night Live...

...and the new host of Late Night
with Seth Meyers, Seth Meyers.



Nice to see you.

I'm excited for the reveal
of what car we're driving.

Well, it's a dead-guy car.
I bought it from a dead guy...

...and it's not getting sold again
until I'm dead.

This car doesn't change hands
without somebody dying.

-Why did I pick this car for you?
-Why?

-This car is no-nonsense.
-Perfect.

So you, Adam Sandler
and Sarah Silverman...

...are all from the same part
of New Hampshire?

-Yeah.
-Seth, Sarah and Sandler, same area.

It's insane.

When I was in high school,
Sandler first started coming up.

I remember thinking, "I can't believe
a guy from my town is on SNL."

Then when I was in college,
Sarah was on, and I was like:

"I can't believe two people--" You think,
"There are not gonna be three."

-So, what year were you born?
-Seventy-three.

-And this car is a '73.
-That's pretty exciting.

-When I told you it was a '73, it didn't--?
-Nothing.

Wow, that is really
a special kind of "out of it."

-That ever appeal to you, motorcycles?
-Yes.

That's like the cigarette
of transportation for me.

The downside is--
Far outweighs whatever upside....

-How many cars do you have?
-An amount that...

...if you looked at it, you would not go,
"Well, that makes sense."

I get that.

The summer stresses me out.

Because everybody gets so excited about
the summer and I kind of just don't get it.

People are like,
"How can you be inside all day?"

Whereas I wanna say, like,
"Everything I wanna do is inside."

If you give someone a 50,
it's a big thing now...

...where they check it quite a bit.

And it's like, "Well, I used it.
Why can't you use it?"

We're all just kind of going along
with this "paper has value" scam.

-Right?
-Yes.

Why don't we just go along with it?
Why are you stopping me?

We were doing this show
at the Chicago Improv Festival...

...and so that's how SNL first saw me.

-Tell me about that phone call.
-Somebody I knew said "SNL called...

...and they want you to send
an audition tape."

I remember being flattered, but thinking
that would be the end of the anecdote.

I always thought the end of it
would be, "That was the day...

...SNL gave me their address."

-How many years have you been there?
-Finished my 12th season.

-Holy cow.
-I know.

There have been a few people on the
show Lorne has let me tell we're hiring.

-Taran Killam, who's a cast member.
-Yeah.

I was flying to L.A.,
and Taran was on my flight.

I was in business class
and he was in coach.

And I walked back and I told him,
I'm like, "Just five years.

Wait five years, and then
you'll be in business class."

-Except that's not really true either.
-It's not true at all.

I don't really wanna leave my car here.

I don't like this spot, in front of this...

...pickup with a bullet hole
in the windshield.

It'll be watched over by this
skull-faced woman on the horse.

Know how unhappy
this makes a guy like me?

I'm delighted to see it firsthand.

-That seem low?
-Shouldn't be touching the ground.

-Now, I'm not a car guy.
-But even you....

-I would love a coffee.
-I would love a coffee.

-Two Americanos?
-Perfect for me.

I'll try the French press.

We crossed paths at SNL...

-...when you came to do Really!?!, right?
-Yeah.

Which was the most fun thing
I've ever done on that show.

The story revealed details
about Massa...

...and brings us to a segment we like
to call, Really!?! With Seth & Jerry.

I remember being on the phone with you
and pitching:

"Think you wanna do a Really!?!"?
Remember what you said?

Yeah, I said, "I think I can.
In fact, I think I invented it."

And Eric, when you finally admitted
you groped a male staffer...

...you insisted it was just
during a tickle fight.

Really?

I've always heard that
the political matrix...

...of that show is extremely difficult
to navigate.

Politically, I'm at the top of the show.
Maybe that's why I think it's not political.

The way the president is like, "No,
I think this is as well as it could run."

How often do you have to do
charity events?

Let me explain to you
about charity events.

There are people that would say...

...that your whole career
is an act of charity.

That you devote yourself to
this somewhat painful existence...

...to make the world a little brighter.

First time my friends see me do standup,
they talk about how nervous they are.

When they see how minimal it is.
It's like, "Oh, he's gonna talk for an hour."

Now, that's what I think
every time I walk out.

My last thought is I'm like, "An hour."

It's like that thing of remembering
at the last minute how far the jump is.

Kind of like, "What if I'm at Macy's
and get diarrhea, what will I do?"

-Right.
-You find that doesn't happen that often.

-Shouldn't plan your life around it.
-No, exactly.

Shouldn't go through life
wearing an adult diaper just in case...

...you get diarrhea at Macy's.

So you'll take some jokes
from Update or...?

I close with jokes we've cut from Update
because of NBC censors.

-But they're killers.
-As Rodney Dangerfield used to say:

"The killers are wanted
in all 50 states."

I met Don Rickles for the first time.

He was sitting at a table alone.
And I was like, "I love him. I gotta say hi."

-Right.
-I knelt down and I was like:

"My name's Seth Meyers, I'm a huge fan."
He's drinking coffee, looks at me...

...rolled his eyes,
took a sip of his coffee...

...then said, "Give me a second, I'm not
usually this excited to meet someone."

He said, "Sorry to hear
Saturday Night Live got canceled."

I go, "It didn't."
He goes, "A guy can dream."

-Did you see Liberace on Sunday night?
-Yeah.

Did you see that thing,
that he sold out Radio City 56 nights?

Fred Armisen, from our show, was an
usher at Radio City for those 50 shows.

How crazy is that?

But he told me that the first night,
Liberace was like:

"There's a couple here
who have been married 50 years.

-They met at a show of mine."
-Oh, no, I know what's coming.

Did it every night. Place would go crazy.
But that is that experience of happiness.

-Like, why not?
-Where's the victim?

-Where's the victim?
-Yeah.

Like, it's all not true. There are people
who think that was a rip-off...

...but I think that's the most wonderful
part of the experience.

-My dad is a great storyteller.
-What does he do?

-He's just in finance.
-A funny guy in finance.

My mom-- When he's trying to tell
a story, like, her interjections...

...and the amount....
I've seen my dad do this, like:

It's like Kobe Bryant threads
a bounce pass to a lesser player.

-Yeah.
-He's just constantly like:

Like, "I'm better than this."

And they are desperately
in love with one another...

...but yet she cannot help
but interrupt him.

It would be like if
somebody loved violin...

...and while the violinist was playing, kept
walking out, going, "How great is this?"

It's the best.

My first four years on the show
were rocky.

Like, "Oh, I might be, of everybody here,
the worst one.

I might be the worst at impressions,
I might be the worst at accents.

Maybe I should just be a writer on the
show. Maybe I don't belong in this cast."

I remember, my third year,
my dad said:

"I feel like what you need to break out
is a couple more characters."

And I remember saying to him, like,
"You've done a very good job...

...of being a tough, honest critic with me.
I no longer need it.

So you have to shift
from what you've been doing...

...to a completely different role
of support."

A great thing my mom did
when I started on the show...

...she made a highlight reel
of my time on the show.

But if I had one line in a scene
as a waiter, she'd just cut that out.

She'd go to people, "Have you seen
Seth on SNL?" It'd jump-cut...

...to me being, "Here, your dinner,"
then it would cut out.

Then it'd be me dressed in a bear suit,
then cut out of that.

I was like, "I think this is less of a highlight
reel, this is more like a receipt."

My girlfriend and I
got an Italian greyhound.

-These little dogs.
-I know those.

I grew up with Old English sheepdogs,
Great Pyrenees.

Big, outdoor New Hampshire dogs.
I've turned into a guy...

-...who walks a dog who wears a sweater.
-I feel like, before you get a dog...

...someone should take
a pyramid of Alpo cans...

...and a pyramid of dog ****
and put the dog in the middle.

Now, what we're gonna do
is you're gonna buy all this...

-...and turn it into this.
-Right.

-Do you still wanna do this?
-Right.

We feed it, like, the best dog food.

There are times where I'm like,
"I would eat this."

Only two things would have to
go wrong in my day.

-You got the greyhound as a puppy?
-Yeah.

You know, they have rescues with those,
because of the racing.

We didn't do that.
We did everything wrong.

The day we bought it,
we ran into Martha Stewart.

-She was like, "Where did you get it?"
-Oh, God.

And I just lied to her face.
Said, "we got it from a breeder."

She was like, "Oh, where?"
I was like, "Missouri."

I was trying to think,
"What is the state...

...Martha Stewart is least likely
to know dog breeders?"

Missouri.

So, what will you miss most
about SNL?

I wrote a lot of stuff that we filmed,
like the digital shorts.

By the way, the digital part
of a digital short...

...is this some technology that is
not accessible to the rest of us?

Digital? Hold on a second.
I'm still shooting 8 mm here.

-What's this thing?
-It's one of those Acura food trucks.

So how new are the tires
on a car this age?

You don't go by mileage with tires,
you go by age.

-But how often do you change them?
-Every five years.

-And how long have you owned this car?
-About five years.

See, it's got quite a bit of power...

...and it's really light.

-Does that make you nervous?
-A little, yeah.

Someone told me a story the other day.
They were driving in the city...

...and there was this car
just driving completely crazy...

...just swooping across like three lanes
and then back...

...and just making turns. Guy was like,
"What is going on with this person?"

So he pulls up alongside at a light...

...and it's a middle-aged Asian woman.

And he says to her,
"What are you doing?"

And she goes, "I don't know."

She just told him the truth.

The truth ends every conversation.

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...

...after this brief word
from our sponsor.

I didn't bring any money.
I left the money in the car.

-You have any money?
-Yeah.

-Thank you.
-I apologize for the....

Oh, yeah, no, you seem broken up.

Thank you. Why am I thanking you?

I bought you lunch.

-How much tip did you--?
-A good one.

-Show-business good?
-It was show-business good.

Okay.