Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - No Lipsticks for Nuns - full transcript
ripped by antsh
This is a 1950 Citroën 2CV,
or deau chevaux.
This was the most popular car
in post-World-War-II France.
It has an air-cooled two-cylinder engine,
putting out nine horsepower.
But it only weighs 1100 pounds.
It has a top speed of 40 miles an hour...
...achieved in 42.4 seconds....
Oh, what the hell, give it a minute.
Oh, dear.
Up until 1953, the only color
they came in was this lovely gray.
Because French roads were not great
at that time...
...one of design goals for the car
was that it had to be able to cross...
...a plowed field with a basket of eggs
on the seat without breaking any.
I like it because it's just so French.
And I really want to have
a French day today.
-Hello?
-Hello, Gad?
-Yeah?
-This is your friend Jerry Seinfeld.
-The American comedian.
-Yeah.
My American comedian.
How are you, Jerry?
Yes, I'm very good.
-Would you like to go out for coffee?
-Oh, great.
I'm coming now.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
My guest today is Gad Elmaleh.
He did the voice of my character
in the French version of Bee Movie.
He's the first guy to bring the American
style of standup comedy to the French.
He was born in Morocco,
he lives in Paris now.
He's been called the Jerry Seinfeld
of France.
I don't know if he's that good.
But he's one of my favorite funny people
and he makes me laugh every time.
Do you know that this is the first time I will
do something in America, in English?
-I always felt that your English was good.
-I always felt your French is really bad.
Don't forget your scarf.
So I did everything today
with you in mind.
Like, associated the French man
and the French car.
I like it here. But I don't see...
...a big difference with Paris
when I'm here, you know?
The difference is...
...here, the mood is, "I got a lot to do.
I gotta get it all done."
-Yeah.
-In Paris, they think:
"What should I do to make me feel
like I wanna feel?"
-I don't think so.
-No?
I think Americans are so more into
that "I feel," and "my feelings"...
...and "the way my perception,
my point of view as a human being."
And I see, and you're my friend,
I wanna tell you.
And it's....
There's so many old movies in France
with this car.
In every French movie, the nuns,
they drive that.
Because it's very practical.
-And--
-A nun, you're not trying to be swinging.
-No mirror, because nuns, they don't--
-No, nuns don't need--
No lipsticks for nuns.
Do you remember hearing...?
Well, they're married to God.
-Yeah.
-What did you think when you heard that?
Because I didn't speak that good English,
I was hearing:
"They are married to Gad."
And I was scared
because I was 5 years old.
-You were 5 years old?
-In Morocco.
What if you wanted to bring not a French
but a Moroccan car?
I would bring a camel.
That was almost a racist joke.
When you drive this car,
you have to be close to the-- It's better.
-Yes, this is the French driving.
-Right?
-Do you have your scarf?
-I should wear that, right?
I thought we would look French.
But for me, it's normal.
I wear that every day.
-For you, it's to look French?
-Yes.
-Is it easy to drive?
-Yeah, it's a wonderful car.
-Why are you laughing at me?
-Because...
...when I was a kid, my father used to--
You know, how you say it
when you have no more gas?
-Out of gas.
-Out of gas.
He wouldn't go right away
to the gas station.
He would try to wait the maximum,
like a game or something.
He had the money to put the gas
and he didn't put the gas.
As soon as the light was on for gas...
...it was the beginning of three days
of suspense for my family.
This car is crazy.
Oh, wait, wa--
Papa. Papa, we have no more gas.
-I thought we'd get french fries.
-That's fine.
Authentic Belgian pommes frites.
I didn't know it was Belgian.
Thought it was French.
French fries are from Belgium.
-But why do they call it that?
-I don't know.
I can't eat any fried food.
I have an issue with potatoes.
Sweet mango chutney.
You want to try that? Free samples.
It's a trailer, soon, in your mouth.
-Coming soon.
-Coming soon, in your mouth.
Whoa, this is-- I have mine coming
in one second, but I wanna do that.
-This is fries.
-Yours is here, but you can't wait.
-No.
-You know why? Because it's sticking up.
-This sauce is great.
-Here.
-One of the most popular, not the most.
-So good.
We think that you invented things
that you think is French.
Give me an example.
When I was doing some work
in my house in Los Angeles...
...the guy came and said:
"What we should do is
put some French doors."
French doors.
And I looked at these doors...
...and I've never seen that in my entire life
in France.
It's a window that you open like a door
and you walk out.
-And that way, you look French, like:
-You look French.
-Yes.
-The American doors are:
-"Hi, guys."
-Yeah.
-What is this? What are you drinking?
-A Frappuccino.
That is disgusting.
Is this your regular drink?
It's just too much.
It's too much. It's too sugary.
If you could combine this with what
you're drinking, you'll be dead by fall.
So why did you get that?
I immediately regret that decision.
-All right, nice to meet you.
-Yeah.
-Have a nice day.
-Yeah.
I like that I could say something nice...
...like "nice to meet you,"
and she knows it means "we're done."
And it's like a convention
between her and you, it's okay.
Because you said,
"It was nice meeting you."
That's right, "is nice"...
-...means "let's talk some more."
-Yeah.
Everybody finish.
That was excellent.
The combination of those two moves,
I never saw that.
Let me ask you about
"it was nice meeting you."
You would have said the same?
I would go with a move, like:
Like:
That's not so clear.
If someone said to me:
I wouldn't know that means "buzz off."
It sounds like a Russian thing,
"buzz off."
-Have you had coffee yet today?
-No.
-Are you in the mood for a cup of coffee?
-Yeah, I'm excited.
-I'm waiting for this coffee.
-Great.
I wouldn't ask if he's French.
He's clearly French.
Are you French?
-Do you have french fries?
-French fries?
I'll make you french fries. No problem.
-Okay, we have to go. Nice to meet you.
-It was nice meeting you.
You know how I knew he was French?
-The scarf.
-The scarf.
It makes you look a lot nicer.
I feel like I need to wear a scarf.
It's because of the cold and my voice,
all that.
Gad, every person in Paris
is wearing a scarf.
They're not all worried
about their voice.
I got more French for you.
-Do you like it?
-Yes.
Give me your baguette.
I'm holding your baguette.
Don't confuse the two baguettes.
Welcome to our new show,
Guess the Baguette.
So which one is yours?
This one.
And you win.
Beautiful day for a baguette.
What a day for a baguette.
That's an old Honda he's got there,
from the '70s.
Yeah, he's on another show.
Oh, right on.
Can I go touch?
-They're real. I thought it was fake.
-Yeah.
-Nothing fake in America.
-No.
Now, look, I can open this
if you want some more air.
-This is so simple.
-The French are wonderful engineers.
Okay, okay, we're moving.
I had an amazing conversation
with a crazy man yesterday.
The guy came to me and said:
"I just want to say good morning to you.
I don't want any money from you.
I make $100 every day by begging,
spare change and all that."
-Right.
-"But today, I'm off."
-Even a beggar needs to take a break.
-Yeah.
-Of begging.
-Yeah.
Because in the end, everything's a job.
-Even begging.
-Even begging.
In America,
when they want to take your plate...
...and they ask you,
"Are you still working on it?"
-Yes.
-I was doing this guy who said:
"Yeah, I finished with that burger
and I think I did a great job."
It really speaks to how bad our food is.
-That it's work. Yeah.
-That you gotta work on it.
Very interesting.
How comedians connect...
-...even they're from not the same culture.
-Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?
It's amazing. I love that.
When you don't listen anymore,
or you look like that--
-I'm trying to get this car--
-I like that.
I don't want it to die, to get stuck.
And you're doing like this:
-Stop with the baguette.
-I love the baguette.
-Oh, ****, it went dead.
-I knew that wasn't gonna work.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Yeah.
That's only on one cylinder.
You said two.
One is dead.
All right.
-I want to get out of the car.
-Okay. I'm trying.
I'm just trying to get there.
-I'm having a problem.
-I know.
Remember what I was saying
about French engineers?
Look at that, Jerry.
Lyc?e Français de New York.
That's the French school in New York.
And you know what, this is two scarves.
-Small scarves.
-Yeah.
-We're dying for coffee.
-Same as my friend.
My dream is to be able one day
to go on-stage...
...in English, in a comedy club here
for 10 minutes...
...and do my things in English...
...and to get the reaction
from talking English.
-I don't know.
-I like this way that you hold the cup.
It's sexy. You don't use this.
-Why did they make that?
-Yeah.
It's to put your finger here.
You want to see the American--?
-Yeah.
-I'm minding my coffee.
I don't understand baseball, and I know
you would never explain how it works.
-I would.
-They like this?
-Watching the game?
-Yeah.
And sometimes they pretend
they're gonna leave. They go:
Like, if the players would go,
"No, please, stay."
I love the guy getting up like
he's gonna walk away, but he doesn't.
And he sits right back down.
Then right back.
He's not going anywhere.
-Like he won't stay.
-The soccer and basketball players...
...do the same thing.
Whenever the referee calls a foul:
-"What? I'm so innocent."
-They just killed a guy with that.
There's one face, okay,
that we are gonna do...
...only in the elevator.
-This is--
-Elevator face.
The guy comes in and the other goes:
Fries. Baguette. Eggs. Bread. Coffee.
I'm--
In the same logic as the trash.
With the right, perfect timing.
Don't look at that, that's rude.
My friend used to do
all these check takes.
Okay, give me one.
You're talking, "Yes, and I think it's...."
I have another one.
And I think it's a great show, Jerry,
because I....
You know, I like to be here wi--
-Do you wanna get a burger?
-Could he do it? Yes.
Do you wanna get a cupcake?
-Two dollars.
-Oh, that's so nice.
-It's not nice.
-It's neat.
-If it was 2 dollars and 19 cents....
-Oh, yeah.
Jerry, you throw--
-Now I want some more coffee.
-No, I can't.
That was so funny.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...
...after this brief word from our sponsor.
That's the joie de vivre.
Je ne sais quoi, you mean.
That's what I'm talking about.
This is a 1950 Citroën 2CV,
or deau chevaux.
This was the most popular car
in post-World-War-II France.
It has an air-cooled two-cylinder engine,
putting out nine horsepower.
But it only weighs 1100 pounds.
It has a top speed of 40 miles an hour...
...achieved in 42.4 seconds....
Oh, what the hell, give it a minute.
Oh, dear.
Up until 1953, the only color
they came in was this lovely gray.
Because French roads were not great
at that time...
...one of design goals for the car
was that it had to be able to cross...
...a plowed field with a basket of eggs
on the seat without breaking any.
I like it because it's just so French.
And I really want to have
a French day today.
-Hello?
-Hello, Gad?
-Yeah?
-This is your friend Jerry Seinfeld.
-The American comedian.
-Yeah.
My American comedian.
How are you, Jerry?
Yes, I'm very good.
-Would you like to go out for coffee?
-Oh, great.
I'm coming now.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
My guest today is Gad Elmaleh.
He did the voice of my character
in the French version of Bee Movie.
He's the first guy to bring the American
style of standup comedy to the French.
He was born in Morocco,
he lives in Paris now.
He's been called the Jerry Seinfeld
of France.
I don't know if he's that good.
But he's one of my favorite funny people
and he makes me laugh every time.
Do you know that this is the first time I will
do something in America, in English?
-I always felt that your English was good.
-I always felt your French is really bad.
Don't forget your scarf.
So I did everything today
with you in mind.
Like, associated the French man
and the French car.
I like it here. But I don't see...
...a big difference with Paris
when I'm here, you know?
The difference is...
...here, the mood is, "I got a lot to do.
I gotta get it all done."
-Yeah.
-In Paris, they think:
"What should I do to make me feel
like I wanna feel?"
-I don't think so.
-No?
I think Americans are so more into
that "I feel," and "my feelings"...
...and "the way my perception,
my point of view as a human being."
And I see, and you're my friend,
I wanna tell you.
And it's....
There's so many old movies in France
with this car.
In every French movie, the nuns,
they drive that.
Because it's very practical.
-And--
-A nun, you're not trying to be swinging.
-No mirror, because nuns, they don't--
-No, nuns don't need--
No lipsticks for nuns.
Do you remember hearing...?
Well, they're married to God.
-Yeah.
-What did you think when you heard that?
Because I didn't speak that good English,
I was hearing:
"They are married to Gad."
And I was scared
because I was 5 years old.
-You were 5 years old?
-In Morocco.
What if you wanted to bring not a French
but a Moroccan car?
I would bring a camel.
That was almost a racist joke.
When you drive this car,
you have to be close to the-- It's better.
-Yes, this is the French driving.
-Right?
-Do you have your scarf?
-I should wear that, right?
I thought we would look French.
But for me, it's normal.
I wear that every day.
-For you, it's to look French?
-Yes.
-Is it easy to drive?
-Yeah, it's a wonderful car.
-Why are you laughing at me?
-Because...
...when I was a kid, my father used to--
You know, how you say it
when you have no more gas?
-Out of gas.
-Out of gas.
He wouldn't go right away
to the gas station.
He would try to wait the maximum,
like a game or something.
He had the money to put the gas
and he didn't put the gas.
As soon as the light was on for gas...
...it was the beginning of three days
of suspense for my family.
This car is crazy.
Oh, wait, wa--
Papa. Papa, we have no more gas.
-I thought we'd get french fries.
-That's fine.
Authentic Belgian pommes frites.
I didn't know it was Belgian.
Thought it was French.
French fries are from Belgium.
-But why do they call it that?
-I don't know.
I can't eat any fried food.
I have an issue with potatoes.
Sweet mango chutney.
You want to try that? Free samples.
It's a trailer, soon, in your mouth.
-Coming soon.
-Coming soon, in your mouth.
Whoa, this is-- I have mine coming
in one second, but I wanna do that.
-This is fries.
-Yours is here, but you can't wait.
-No.
-You know why? Because it's sticking up.
-This sauce is great.
-Here.
-One of the most popular, not the most.
-So good.
We think that you invented things
that you think is French.
Give me an example.
When I was doing some work
in my house in Los Angeles...
...the guy came and said:
"What we should do is
put some French doors."
French doors.
And I looked at these doors...
...and I've never seen that in my entire life
in France.
It's a window that you open like a door
and you walk out.
-And that way, you look French, like:
-You look French.
-Yes.
-The American doors are:
-"Hi, guys."
-Yeah.
-What is this? What are you drinking?
-A Frappuccino.
That is disgusting.
Is this your regular drink?
It's just too much.
It's too much. It's too sugary.
If you could combine this with what
you're drinking, you'll be dead by fall.
So why did you get that?
I immediately regret that decision.
-All right, nice to meet you.
-Yeah.
-Have a nice day.
-Yeah.
I like that I could say something nice...
...like "nice to meet you,"
and she knows it means "we're done."
And it's like a convention
between her and you, it's okay.
Because you said,
"It was nice meeting you."
That's right, "is nice"...
-...means "let's talk some more."
-Yeah.
Everybody finish.
That was excellent.
The combination of those two moves,
I never saw that.
Let me ask you about
"it was nice meeting you."
You would have said the same?
I would go with a move, like:
Like:
That's not so clear.
If someone said to me:
I wouldn't know that means "buzz off."
It sounds like a Russian thing,
"buzz off."
-Have you had coffee yet today?
-No.
-Are you in the mood for a cup of coffee?
-Yeah, I'm excited.
-I'm waiting for this coffee.
-Great.
I wouldn't ask if he's French.
He's clearly French.
Are you French?
-Do you have french fries?
-French fries?
I'll make you french fries. No problem.
-Okay, we have to go. Nice to meet you.
-It was nice meeting you.
You know how I knew he was French?
-The scarf.
-The scarf.
It makes you look a lot nicer.
I feel like I need to wear a scarf.
It's because of the cold and my voice,
all that.
Gad, every person in Paris
is wearing a scarf.
They're not all worried
about their voice.
I got more French for you.
-Do you like it?
-Yes.
Give me your baguette.
I'm holding your baguette.
Don't confuse the two baguettes.
Welcome to our new show,
Guess the Baguette.
So which one is yours?
This one.
And you win.
Beautiful day for a baguette.
What a day for a baguette.
That's an old Honda he's got there,
from the '70s.
Yeah, he's on another show.
Oh, right on.
Can I go touch?
-They're real. I thought it was fake.
-Yeah.
-Nothing fake in America.
-No.
Now, look, I can open this
if you want some more air.
-This is so simple.
-The French are wonderful engineers.
Okay, okay, we're moving.
I had an amazing conversation
with a crazy man yesterday.
The guy came to me and said:
"I just want to say good morning to you.
I don't want any money from you.
I make $100 every day by begging,
spare change and all that."
-Right.
-"But today, I'm off."
-Even a beggar needs to take a break.
-Yeah.
-Of begging.
-Yeah.
Because in the end, everything's a job.
-Even begging.
-Even begging.
In America,
when they want to take your plate...
...and they ask you,
"Are you still working on it?"
-Yes.
-I was doing this guy who said:
"Yeah, I finished with that burger
and I think I did a great job."
It really speaks to how bad our food is.
-That it's work. Yeah.
-That you gotta work on it.
Very interesting.
How comedians connect...
-...even they're from not the same culture.
-Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?
It's amazing. I love that.
When you don't listen anymore,
or you look like that--
-I'm trying to get this car--
-I like that.
I don't want it to die, to get stuck.
And you're doing like this:
-Stop with the baguette.
-I love the baguette.
-Oh, ****, it went dead.
-I knew that wasn't gonna work.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Yeah.
That's only on one cylinder.
You said two.
One is dead.
All right.
-I want to get out of the car.
-Okay. I'm trying.
I'm just trying to get there.
-I'm having a problem.
-I know.
Remember what I was saying
about French engineers?
Look at that, Jerry.
Lyc?e Français de New York.
That's the French school in New York.
And you know what, this is two scarves.
-Small scarves.
-Yeah.
-We're dying for coffee.
-Same as my friend.
My dream is to be able one day
to go on-stage...
...in English, in a comedy club here
for 10 minutes...
...and do my things in English...
...and to get the reaction
from talking English.
-I don't know.
-I like this way that you hold the cup.
It's sexy. You don't use this.
-Why did they make that?
-Yeah.
It's to put your finger here.
You want to see the American--?
-Yeah.
-I'm minding my coffee.
I don't understand baseball, and I know
you would never explain how it works.
-I would.
-They like this?
-Watching the game?
-Yeah.
And sometimes they pretend
they're gonna leave. They go:
Like, if the players would go,
"No, please, stay."
I love the guy getting up like
he's gonna walk away, but he doesn't.
And he sits right back down.
Then right back.
He's not going anywhere.
-Like he won't stay.
-The soccer and basketball players...
...do the same thing.
Whenever the referee calls a foul:
-"What? I'm so innocent."
-They just killed a guy with that.
There's one face, okay,
that we are gonna do...
...only in the elevator.
-This is--
-Elevator face.
The guy comes in and the other goes:
Fries. Baguette. Eggs. Bread. Coffee.
I'm--
In the same logic as the trash.
With the right, perfect timing.
Don't look at that, that's rude.
My friend used to do
all these check takes.
Okay, give me one.
You're talking, "Yes, and I think it's...."
I have another one.
And I think it's a great show, Jerry,
because I....
You know, I like to be here wi--
-Do you wanna get a burger?
-Could he do it? Yes.
Do you wanna get a cupcake?
-Two dollars.
-Oh, that's so nice.
-It's not nice.
-It's neat.
-If it was 2 dollars and 19 cents....
-Oh, yeah.
Jerry, you throw--
-Now I want some more coffee.
-No, I can't.
That was so funny.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...
...after this brief word from our sponsor.
That's the joie de vivre.
Je ne sais quoi, you mean.
That's what I'm talking about.