Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - Jamie Foxx - full transcript

This is a 2018 Lamborghini
Huracán Performante.

We don't do a lot of new cars
on the show.

We feel that new cars lack personality.

This car does not lack personality.

With 631 horsepower

from a 5.2 liter V10,

the Huracán does zero to 60
in 2.9 seconds.

-Do you have that kind of time?

Lamborghini likes to name their cars
after famous fighting bulls.

The Huracán was a bull
that fought in the 1870s.

Imagine if that bull could see this car.



I don't think it would react.
I have never seen a bull react.

To anything.

They just keep staring,
like people do with this car.

A Lamborghini is for a certain kind
of person that wants to make an entrance,

who wants to make a statement,

does not want to slip by unnoticed.

This is a car for people
whose attitude is...

I'm not gonna be ignored!

What I like about Lamborghinis
is they don't care too much about reality.

They're fantasy cars for people
who are living in fantasy worlds.

So today, I'm gonna act out a fantasy
with a very close friend of mine,

the incredibly funny, talented,
irresistible Matthew Broderick

Where are we, Matthew?

Matthew and I love to talk
about classic comedy and baseball.



That is our relationship,
and I'll bet you we do it again today.

We really got lucky with the weather.

Yes, we would've had to just talk
in a nice, comfortable coffee shop.

Which is why I am Jerry Seinfeld,

and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

- Hello?
- Matthew!

- How are you?
- I'm so excited.

- Me too. Me too.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- We just get to be together

and that's just always fun.

Yeah. I'm stoked.

Oh, that's a great word...

- ...if you're an idiot!

I'm pulling up to your house right now,

-and we're gonna start off...
-Okay.

...with a fantasy.
Be there in a couple of minutes.

I'm very curious.

- Hi, Matthew.
-Hello.

-Good to see you.
-Good to see you, too.

Okay, my idea for this day...

Yeah.

...is you and I

have had these careers
in the entertainment industry,

which was our dream.
That's what we wanted to do.

-We wanted to be entertainers.
-We wanted to be that.

-Yeah.
-And then we got to do that.

-It really worked out well.
-Yeah.

But we had another dream.

And that dream...

was to be baseball players.

- Uh-huh.

Which did not work out.
But if we did become baseball players,

this is the kind of car we would buy.

Right.

Young baseball players
drive cars like this.

-Yeah.
-They want to get attention.

-Of course.
-They want the world--

-Their dream has come true.
-"Yeah. I made it!

I made it to the bigs."

-Wow.
-Yeah.

It also has this mode.

Irritate the neighbor mo--
What is that mode called?

Neighbor Irritablé.

And what's your coffee, um, routine?

Like, two double espressos
in the morning.

Wow.

Do you make them yourself?

I make them myself.

But you push one button,

you put a pod in.

-Oh. Oh, that's awful.
-So, not really "making."

Thank you.

-Pretty good coffee, though.
-I know, it is. You're right.

-I've had it and it is pretty good.
-I know, but it takes all the, uh...

the connection to the bean.

-The connection to the bean.
-Yeah.

-Yes.
-I like that.

-I miss that.
-I like that.

- Village Cigars is still here.
-Still here since I was a little kid,

where I grew up three blocks from here.

What is it like to have spent
your entire life in one place?

-You've been here your entire life.
-It's really strange.

-Yeah, my first play was there even.
-Yeah.

-Uh...
-You're like Jesus.

I am a little like Jesus.

Sometimes I think it's really cool
that I, um...

that I've always been in the same place,

and sometimes I think,
"Well, it's... it's tragic actually."

I just never, uh... I never saw anything.
Nothing happened.

The name of the book
is Nothing Happened.

-Yeah.
-

This is the building I grew up in.

This gray one right here.

I used to swim back there.

That's the, uh, Leroy Street pool.

At night...
There was a big hole in the fence,

and neighborhood youth
would go through it and swim at night

with no adults or anything.

Did you feel very, uh,

-Bowery Boys when you did that?
-I did.

I felt like a Dead End Kid.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

"Ah, gee," you know?

All right, so...

So...

Oh, I thought... I thought you were
ejecting me for a second.

Doesn't it look like one of those?
You flip it up, boom!

That's so that you don't
accidentally eject anybody.

- It's a little chilly.
- It's a lot chilly.

I thought maybe we should get some

-things to stay warm.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry, guys. I apologize.
- We can't go in.

I might lose my job
if you guys coming in here, so...

-Oh, so we're not coming in?
-Oh.

Oh, okay.

- Sorry about that.
-All right.

- Big fan of the show....
-Oh.

-Gee, you were almost on it.

-Is that a first for your show?
-Yeah, that's a first.

It had something to do with me,
do you think? Or...

How about this one
with all the mismatched--

The Jenga.

Oh, the Jenga. Yeah, yeah.

Like they needed to do one more drawing.

-"Oh, I'll get to it later."

"Well, we already... we built it already."

Okay. Well...

I had a bit.

"You don't just talk in marriage.

-It's Jenga.

You have to wiggle that block a little
before you slide it."

Can I... Is this something I could say,
or should I not say it?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How are you?
-Good. How are you?

- Good.
- Uh, can we get some coffees?

Sure.

I, of course, didn't bring any...
any money.

I didn't either.

I have some in the car,
in the Lamborghini.

Cafe latte?

-That's so obnoxious.
- It's awful.

"I left it in my Lamborghini.
Perhaps I could, uh...

You'd trust me for this?"

-Obviously. I have a Lamborghini, so...

-I'm certainly good for it."

-Can I get you anything else?
- Maybe this, uh, pain au chocolat.

-Pain au chocolat?
-Please.

-Two of those.
-Oh, boy.

Maybe just put it on a little, uh...
Or is that the way you normally do it?

-Normally, I...
-Okay, that's fine.

I don't want to disrupt anything.
We had enough trouble at Patagonia.

I love restaurant bits.

I watch a lot of YouTube.
WC Fields sketch popped up,

and he asks, "Can I get some service?"

So, the menu would be out,

and he would say, "I'll have the eggs,"

and she would take out a pencil and go...

-"We don't have that."

And each thing he... he asked for,
she would take the pencil out again...

-Yeah.
-And...

-I love it.

And the timing.

They probably did it around the country,
you know, like...

-Yeah. That's the good stuff, right?
-Yeah.

This stinks.

Crazy to say something like that?

Look what happened in Patagonia.

"I could lose my job."

The man almost lost his job.

But he was really pained, wasn't he?

He looked like...
like one of those World War II movies

where you don't know
that the Nazis are in the other room.

"No, no, we're closed."
You know, like,

"Come back tomorrow.
That would be a much better idea."

You sure everything's all right here?
"Everything's just fine, yeah."

Let me tell you what's gonna happen.

We're going back there.

-Back to Patagonia?
- Yeah.

- I think this is pretty good.
-It stinks.

All right, on we go.

I don't like to walk
with a coffee. You?

Not really.

I don't like the look.

When you see people in LA,
pictures or...

-you know, paparazzi pictures...
-Yeah.

-...they always have a water, a liquid.
-Always!

-Always a liquid.
-Why did you need to be drinking

-all the time?
-Yes.

The guy on TMZ,

while he's eviscerating people,

-has that little baby bottle with him.
-Always. Yep.

-Yeah.

Let's try this again.

Hi.

- How are you?
- Hello.

-Are we okay now?
- Yes.

Okay.

That other guy's okay, right?

Tell him we're sorry.

That guy's in the back tied up.

I really want to watch
that diner scene with you now.

Ah, good morning, beautiful!

Got a menu?

Thank you. Thank you.

Is that steak New York cut?

I mean, that's how you say a set-up line.

-Right?
-Yeah.

Loud and clear.

So much water.

And there's absolutely no way the cubes
could actually have gotten in his pants.

-That's excellent.
-Yeah.

Nothing funnier to me
than something like...

very basic kind of setups like that.

Like the Patagonia guy.

-Well, he wasn't...
-He was not.

He was a modern version of that,
'cause he was...

-Right.
-He was denying us, but in an extremely,

"This is hurting me more
than it hurts you" way. It's...

In the old days, you didn't say that.

-Right.
-"What I just tell ya?!"

You know? It was more like that.

"I can't have you in this store."

Keep going.

Ask your man
if he wants to switch keys.

Okay. Do you want to switch keys, Jerry?

People love that joke.

-You've heard that one before?
-Oh, yes, I have.

I love when people answer the question,
"Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, I do know what you mean."

-"Certainly, I do."
-"Why, certainly."

That's an old movie way
to answer things there.

-Abbott and Costello.
-Oh, yeah.

"Certainly she does. Go ask her!"

-Do you like Abbott and Costello?
-What do you think?

I think you like Abbott and Costello.

Know what I watched the other day?
The Producers, the original from 1967.

-Yeah.
-The overhead swastika shot,

is that in... in the movie?

-Yeah.
-When you guys did it?

Yes, it's also...
They did it when we did the play...

- Oh.
-...at great expense.

-Right.
-There's a mirror...

-Right.
-...in back.

-Wow.
-And halfway through it,

it, uh...

-tilts forward...
-Right.

...so that the audience sees the swastika.

How insane is that?

The audience would go mad
when they had opened in Chicago.

-Really?
-'Cause they know that shot,

and they want it, you know.

And it's a play. They're like,

-"Oh, they're not gonna get to do that."
-Right.

And sure enough,
the whole mirror tilts forward.

-And they just went crazy.

It was so exciting.

And, you know, the studio
would not release the movie.

They hated it so much.

And you watch it
and you can easily see that happen.

I mean, when he goes to visit, uh,
Kenneth Mars,

he's got a picture of Hitler on the wall.

It's only a handful of years
after World War II.

-I know.
-It's like a September 11th comedy today.

-Yes.
-That's about the same amount of time.

-That's so crazy.
-And, obviously, a far worse tragedy.

-Right?
-Right. Yeah.

So picture someone
making a funny movie today

-about September 11th.
-I know.

That's how crazy that was.

Yeah.

As long as we're going
to Citi Field...

-Yes.
-...tell your Ralph Kiner story.

Well, Ralph Kiner,

a great player and announcer.

- Yeah.
- You know?

He came backstage
when I was doing The Producers.

-I was so excited to meet him.
-Wow.

And I told him a heartwarming story
about... that my father,

when I was little, would say, uh,

"Oh, I don't like when, uh,
Bob Murphy takes over.

I feel like then the Mets lose.

I think they do better
when Kiner is talking."

Yeah.

So...

I told... I got to tell Ralph Kiner that,

and he said,

"Well, we didn't really have very much
effect on the, uh, outcome of the games

when we were calling them.

Didn't have much effect on it."

-"Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess...

I guess that's true."

My father was, of course, a mental case...

And how stupid he thinks you are.

How stupid do you think I am?
How stupid do you think my father was?

-Yeah.
-But that... what it tells you is,

-the kind of people that come up to him.
-That's true.

He just feels like he should
take everything seriously.

-Yeah. He's trying to be nice about it.
-Very nice.

"No, I'm sorry to break it to you,

our calling the game didn't have
much effect on the outcome." Yeah.

♪ Meet The Mets ♪

♪ Meet The Mets ♪

Hey, you know what? This is a good idea.

Of course, it... yeah.

♪ Bring your kiddies ♪

♪ Bring your wife ♪

♪ Guaranteed to have
The time of your life ♪

-There he is, Ralph Kiner.
-There he is.

Now, if you're a Ralph Kiner,

-A handsome fellow.
-Yeah.

And then they make your face in bronze...

for the Hall of Fame,
and they give you a double chin.

-Why would they do that?
-Why would they do that?

These people that do this stuff,
they stink.

And by the way,
they always make the teeth look like

you just had
those chocolate wafer cookies.

You know those ones that get all in there?

I do.

I guess it's not a problem
we're gonna have.

-Now, just imagine...
-Yeah.

-This is the fantasy, right?
-Right.

-We've just--
-We've signed.

-We've been signed.
-Yeah.

And you're coming up from Pawtucket.

-Yeah.
-And you're a major leaguer.

"Jerry, what do you want to hit a ball?"

No, ma. This is a real--

-They're paying money for it now. Yeah.
-Ma, the great opportunity for our family.

I think before we go out
on the field...

-You're gonna do some lifting?
-...we should work out a little bit.

I think one set of one exercise
will be enough.

-That should do it.

We don't want to get too big.

-Yeah, you don't wanna bulk up.
-No.

♪ Come on and meet the Mets ♪

♪ Meet the Mets ♪

That thing looks like it
probably measures your BMI.

-Let's not do that.

I'm not likin'.

I wonder if they work out here
over the winter.

Looks busy.

All right, let's shower up.

-Isn't this fun?
-It is fun.

I'm having a great time.

-Here's our stuff.
-Oh, look at that.

This is where
they have to answer those questions.

Yeah, well, our back's up against it now,
but that's how it's been all year.

And all you're trying to do is read
the different products over their head,

-that they have, right?

-Oh, look at that. He uses Ammens Powder.
-Yeah.

Let's go, uh...

show 'em what we got.

This is good.

♪ He started baseball's famous streak
That's got us all aglow ♪

♪ He's just a man and not a freak ♪

♪ Joltin' Joe DiMaggio ♪

Oh, come on!

Come on!

Go!

♪ Joe, Joe DiMaggio ♪

Cheers.

- Oh, yeah.

After we asked for this car,

and before they gave it to us,
somebody bought it.

-Really?
-Yeah.

When shooting Ferris Bueller,

I remember a few days before,

they were having some trouble
with a Ferrari,

and a car kind of like this came.

-Really?
-Yes.

And the director was trying to decide,
he was asking everybody,

"Should I do the classic one
or the super modern..."

-Well, he made the right decision there.
-I think he did.

We had two fake ones that I drove,

and there was another one to just
throw out the window, basically.

And here's what's interesting also,
that movie,

the other... obviously, the big theme,
was baseball.

-Wrigley Field.
-Yeah.

So, there's quite a similarity

-to, uh, the show you're making today.
-Yep.

A driver once told me
Woody Allen won't go in the tunnels,

you have to go over the bridge.

He's too scared of the tunnels.

That's a good, uh, therapist he's got.

-Made a lot of good progress.

Tell me when the light turns.

You can keep doing that while you drive.
I think that's fine.

God, I just... I have...

I'm tempted to open this door
and have it get ripped off.

Have another car just rip it right off.

-That'd be hilarious.
-I don't know why I wanna do that.

The next scene would be
the guy who bought the car,

us talking to him.

I just want to explain---

Take it easy. You're
gonna notice a little...

-Just take it easy.
-Yeah.

Oh, we're really just eating?

-Yeah.
-We're not saying anything entertaining.

It's like therapy.

I don't know anything about therapy.

I don't really like to talk about things
that are bothering me.

I don't either.

When you go there, you enjoy it.

I don't always enjoy it.

Well, nobody always enjoys anything.

I think we're fighting.

I would not be interested
in any kind of psychiatrist or therapist

under 70.

You want a sort of father.

Oh.

Well, I think I just cracked a nut there.
I just...

But, yes. You want your father's advice.

Yeah. Or your mom, you know?

Yeah.

A calm mom.

A calm...

-Not the one that's yelling all the time.
-I think I just cracked a nut.

Yeah, sometimes I'll hear
a little bit of another patient.

'Cause he's slow to his answering thing.
And so...

I'll hear, "Hello, Doctor. I...

I can't make Tuesday."

Then he reaches for the thing,
you hear some whining.

"I talked to Nicole,
and there's just no way we--"

Ah. That was good.

-Damn, that's good coffee.
-Yeah, good coffee.

Tammy, do we have hot dogs?

Yay!