Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 4 - Matthew Broderick - full transcript

In a 2018 Lamborghini Huracán, Jerry and Matthew Broderick roll by Matthew's old home, find trouble at Patagonia and live out a baseball fantasy.


Previously on
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

-Today's gonna be good for Ricky.
- Now we're talking.

-"I've got vomit on me hair."
-Pov-r-ty.

And now, the exciting conclusion
of Rick Gervais, China maybe?

What would happen
if we did this every day?

It'd be amazing, wouldn't it?

I was exhausted when I picked you up.
I didn't get a good night's sleep.

-You say--
-I was working last night.

-I got nothing.
-Where'd you go?

-A cancer benefit.
-All right.

-Okay. Is that all right?
-Get that on.



Sorry for coming in a little tired,
trying to help other people.

If someone does a lame joke,
I laugh too much.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-You're a sweet guy.
-I don't wanna make them feel bad.

Oh, I want to do just the opposite.
I want them to feel horrible.

-Wow.

But doesn't it bother you
that they think they're

funny enough to make a joke
to make you laugh?

But why shouldn't they?

Because you've spent your entire life
in this craft--

But you're treating it like an insult
when it's a compliment

that they'd love you to laugh at them
because they like you so much.

Yes, because it would make them think
that they're...

on the same level, and they're not.



But it's not like someone going
to a doctor and going,

"Can I take your appendix out?"

-Yes, it is!
-No, it's not!

-It is to me.
-We don't do that thing.

We're not that important.

Aren't we?

I don't want to hear people eating

crisps, or a door... a squeaky door.

When I played at Hammersmith, right,
I had them oil all the doors.

If it puts me off,
I'm not doing as good a job for them.

See, but I feel like my job is
to just be able to block out anything.

When you're at home, watching TV,
if someone stands in the way,

you don't go, "Ah... I'm done with it.

I'm gonna let this go.
I'm just gonna let this go."

"I guess I'll just wait till they leave.
And then I go back to my show."

Yeah.

Oh, you'd love Hampstead.

-Would I?
-Oh, my God.

You'd make a big office block
for yourself.

-There's a garage.
-Yeah.

Like an oligarch.

-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.

-I don't even know what that word means.
-Nor do I.

To me it sounds like a kind of a butter,
like a... like a...

"Try oligarch on your toast.
It has less saturated fat."

Every Yiddish word I know means "penis."

So, you've got so many words for "penis."

You're thinking of the word "schmuck,"
right? You're think of "schmuck"?

-Yeah.
-"Schmuck" is "stupid." Right?

-Yeah.
-It's also "penis."

-Right.
-Because the penis is stupid.

All your penis' ideas are pretty stupid.

-Right.
-"I'm going here."

Right.

-"I got a good idea."

-"This is a new cartoon."

That's a nice sun.

Did you want... Well, let's see.
We'll see if we can tempt you.

-Uh...
-We'll try to tempt you.

We're gonna go by a little bake shop--
You're looking at your watch!

-Yeah--
-Who looks at their watch on a TV show?

When my wife told me she wanted
to start a non-profit,

I said, "That doesn't sound
like a very good business."

Wow! Look at this!

Oh, come on, this has got
to bring you back to Jolly Old.

- Yeah.
- This is it.

This is all English Tudor crap.

-Let's go in here.
-Okay.

Just quick.

-Do you want a pastry?
-No, I'm okay.

Okay. Let's go, then.

What about that poor guy in there

who thought he was gonna get Jerry
Seinfeld sitting down, having the pastry?

Oh, he'll manage. He'll manage.

He'll survive.

-I just feel bad.
-Yeah. That's what I like.

-Do you?
-Yeah. I'm fascinated by that.

Now, eventually,
I'm gonna have to go in there

and have another cup of coffee
and feel sick

and eat a pastry that I don't wanna do,
'cause I feel bad about this guy.

Will it make you feel better
if we go in there and buy some pastry

and we'll throw in the garbage?

-Feel good now?
-Yeah. Lovely.

-You patronized?
-Yes. Yeah, yeah.

-'Cause I find that patronizing...
-It's a bad word.

-It's a bad thing in conversation.
-Yeah.

-But a very positive thing in a business.
-Yeah.

Or in the arts.
We're a patron of the arts.

-It's not wrong.
-Interesting, right?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Bye.

-Well, that was lovely. I don't know--
-Lovely.

Wow! That's great.

Ah, it's amazing.

Mmm.

Mmm.

So, I had this idea for a sketch.

It sort of starts off... dun, dun, dun.

And it goes... "Auschwitz, 1944."
All right?

Um, "December 25th." All right?
And then, all the people in there go...

And suddenly, the doors burst open.

And... and they stand there and they go,
"Herr Kommandant!" He goes,

"Yes. So, I'm full of the joys
of Christmas, so you may go."

And they'll go, "Really?"

And they start getting up,
and one guy goes,

"We don't celebrate Christmas."

And he goes, "Very well."
And then they look at him, and he goes...

And that's the end of it.

Just one guy at the back.

Why did he...

Just shut up!

Shut up, Hymie!

The funniest part of the joke
is the mildness of the reaction, this.

-Yes! Yes, yes.
-That's what's so funny.

It's so mild.

-Oh, you, oh.
-And then...

Yeah, and in the face of that subtle level
of suffering, you know?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.
-It's like, "Oh, I forgot to get bread."

Exactly!

I think this is the most interesting joke.

So, a Holocaust survivor

eventually dies of old age
and goes to Heaven.

And he... he meets God.

And he tells God a Holocaust joke.

And God goes, "That's not funny."

And he says,
"I guess you had to be there."

Isn't that...

Isn't that amazing?

What is that?

-I don't know.
-Is it yours?

-No! Not mine, no.
-Where'd you hear that?

I don't... I don't know where it is...

-You've heard that, though?
-Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

'Cause...

it's... it's so layered and philosophical.

-It's so layered.
-But He wasn't there.

And if you believe He was,
He didn't do anything.

Right. Oh, my God.

I've got a thing in my thing
about praying.

That's a novel in a joke.

It's incredible. I've got a thing--

I'm accused of arrogance,
because I don't... I don't pray.

-Uh-huh.
-And I say, "What could be more arrogant

than praying to the God
who didn't stop the Holocaust...

Right.

...thinking He'll help you find
your car keys?"

That's right.

You're on the other side.

-We're in America.
-Oh, yeah.

Do you notice most cars,
when you turn on the turn signal,

when it cancels, after you make the turn,
there's a little click?

-This car does no click.
-Oh. Oh, right.

It's silent.

People said, "You know what?
Get rid of that click."

-"Can you do something about the click?"
-Which click?

Well, you know, when the, uh...

When it's ticking.

No, no, no.
When it stops, there's a little click.

-Yeah. When it stops.
-One extra click.

It's a different click.

-Here, now listen. I'm gonna make...

-You hear it clicking, right?
-Yeah.

after you make the turn...

as the wheel comes back,
it will cancel and make a click.

And this... Listen.

-Silence.
-Just silence. Just no...

It's really a car
for an unbelievably stressed out person,

who cannot take one more sound.

- Ooh!

-Oh, there it is. There's an accident.
-You heard the bangs, right?

-You heard the crunches?
-Yeah.

-My, it was fantastic.
-The good thing is I...

How can that be fantastic?

Because it was bad!
It was something bad that happened.

-But it really happened. It wasn't a joke.

-"It really happened."
-It wasn't...

-That's what makes it fantastic.
-It wasn't irony.

-No!
-I ironically smashed into you.

-No! It wasn't a sound effect.
-No.

-It wasn't staged by professionals.
-No.

Do you know the chance of us being us
and being born at all?

-No.
-That sperm with that egg.

Four hundred trillion to one.

The chances of you being you
as opposed to someone else.

Four hundred trillion...
Being born at all.

-Okay.
-The chance of us being here.

-All right.
-That's incredible, isn't it?

No.

When we look at how often it's happened,
it's hard to be that excited about it.

It's too much. We can't fathom it.

It's like a dog in a car.
What does he think is going on?

-Where does he think he's in?
-Yeah.

He seems to accept it
like he knows what it is.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's... that's... that's good.

And he looks that way.

Yeah, he does.

He does.

The dog's sitting in the passenger's seat,

that is the only time your heads
are the same height.

And the dog thinks,

-"We should sit like this all the time."
-That's great! That's great.

What the...

I wonder if we're gonna get to see a fire.

As long as no one is hurt,

uh, I like the biggest possible disaster.

I don't even believe,
"as long as no one's hurt." I don't.

You don't believe that part?

-You think I said that for the camera.
-Yeah.

You remember ages ago, the, uh...
with the pollution warning.

Stay in your house and close the windows.

Oh, my God! I can't believe your memory.

Yeah. Correct me if I am wrong,
but isn't the air inside the house...

doesn't it come from outside the house?

It's lovely. Lovely observation.

Pull that little plunger
next to your eyeball vent out,

and you'll get air
coming through there, too. Pull that.

-What's an eyeball vent?
-That's the eyeball vent.

Is that what it's called?
Oh, 'cause it's like an eyeball.

- Right.
-'Cause it keeps your eyeballs cool.

"Uh, we need an eyeball vent."

"Why?" "I got hot eyeballs."

- Hello?
-Hello!

What's going on?

Uh, I'm sitting here with Ricky,

and we're doing the show,
and we're in the car,

and there's been a huge accident.

That's terrible.

We're in a $400,000 Rolls-Royce, though.

Hopefully, comfortable.
Have you run out of things to talk about?

Are you asking have we run out of things
to talk about,

or have we run out of things to talk about
and have stopped talking?

Because they're two different questions
with Jerry.

Yes, we've run out things to talk about,

-but we're still talking.

-Is that you?
-No.

-Your Dad?
-No.

-Hitler?
-Yeah.

Can you believe I got it?
Where... I've never even seen that.

It's part of the show. I talk about...

about sci-fi, and I always go back
and kill Hitler.

And I go, I go,
"Well, people tried at the time,"

and they go, "No, I'd go back
and kill him as a baby."

I go, "You'd go back and find baby Hitler,
who hasn't done anything wrong yet,

and just strangle him?

Have you seen Hitler?"

And I pull this out of my pocket,
I go, "He was adorable!"

-And I show... And then, I...

How funny is it
that I guessed it in five?

-Is that saying something about you or me?
-Both of us.

Yeah.

And we have food.
We could've dive into that... fruit tart.

Now, we're thinking
about surviving.

It's been 12 minutes, and we're already
thinking about eating each other.

It's like...

Look!

-Oh, my God!

Wow! So quickly.

Oh, there it is, Ricky.
Jesus! Look at that.

-Yeah, that's a big hit. That's a big hit.
-It flipped over.

They'll watch this,
the person who's in that car.

-Oh, yeah.
-They'll watch this episode.

And they're in one of those full body
casts, but just the face showing.

- Question.
- Yes, sir.

Are you gonna leave in all that stuff
about the Chinese?

It's... No, I can't leave it in.

-Because...
-Oh!

Because... because it is
the worst kind of easy cliché.

But you can't help what you think.

-But you can help what you say.
-Exactly.

And I did.

Try and steal that. Try and break if off.

-Why would I do that?
-Try it. Just try and get it off.

Oh, is it, uh... is it a detachable thing?

Oh, does it go in when it's tampered with?

Yeah. But it's not working this morning.

-That's good. Do that again.
-I can't.