Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - Sebastian Maniscalco - full transcript

This is a 1969
Maserati Mistral Spyder.

They only made 125 of them.

It's got a five speed.
It does 158 miles an hour.

The engine is a six cylinder, four liter,

with two spark plugs per cylinder.

-That makes it really come alive.

The thing about this car is the lines.

Sleek, smooth, elegant.

It's just a thin, little blade of a car.

The front wheel cutout
is a certain type of shape

you're only going to see
on an Italian car.



So many chic, small details
that you don't even really notice,

but when it drives by,
you go, "What was that?"

That is the power of good design.
It elevates us up a little bit.

-Then there's the sound of this car.
-

Makes you feel like you're better looking,
more well mannered,

more accomplished than you actually are.

So, it's a very special car,
perfect for a very special person

that I have been a huge fan of
for many, many years,

Mr. Jamie Foxx.

What up, JS?

Who also brings
a beautiful smoothness to all of his work.

His stand-up, his acting,
his talk show appearances.

Everything he does
is full of interesting details.

So, not just another car,



and not just another guy.

JS, what's poppin'?
It's Foxx, baby.

What's up? What we doin'?

I fly down to New Orleans,
have a cup of coffee with you.

-How much do I love you?
- Come on, man.

I'm so excited.
I can't wait to see you.

- I can't wait either.
- Okay.

And that is why I am Jerry Seinfeld,

and this
is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

-Can Jamie come out?

Okay. So, this is you.

-That's crazy.
-Why?

-Why?
-Why is that me?

Yeah, you know why?

-Why?
-Elegance.

Huh. I feel that.

Huh, look at that thing,

and it's rojo!

I'm from Texas,
so I was always like, you know...

-Terrell.
-...sort of speaking. Yeah, yeah.

Do you have that Texas attitude?

Like, what do you mean?

-People in Texas, you know...
-What do you mean? Like...

They're a little excited about it.

-A little excited about it.

-Texas is a great place, man. It's...
-Okay. Okay.

Carson was really a window for me
with everything

because it was stand-up comedy,

but it was also music.

Right.

What's my man's name
that I used to watch all the time?

He never got a chance
to sit on the couch with Carson.

It was a singer.

-Oh, yeah. It's Joe Williams.
-Joe Williams!

- Joe Williams. Never sat down.
-Never gets a chance to sit down.

-It was a thing.
-A thing?

So, me and my grandmother
and my grandfather,

every time Joe would get up...

♪ And would I ♪

-And those big teeth, right?

- Yeah.
- He had the greatest set of teeth.

And my grandmother...

would talk about his teeth.
"Ooh, I love Joe's teeth.

Ooh, I just wish they'd let Joe sit
on the couch with his pretty teeth.

This is just...
He don't ever get to sit on the couch."

Finally, Joe's singing.

Incredible performance.

♪ And would I be sure
That this would be the one ♪

Johnny goes, "All right, Joe.

Why don't ya come on over
and, uh, sit with us?"

And my family held each other.

Joe was going to go sit on the couch.

And I think he got too excited,
and he starts to run to the couch.

But the microphone cable

is tied around his leg.

And he stumbles.

- Come on over here, Joe. Yeah!

Oh!

So, he finally...
He finally unwinds out of the cable,

gets to the couch,
and they had to go to commercial.

-You're singing so good.
-I better sing, 'cause I'm no acrobat.

We'll see you tomorrow. Good night.

How much do you think...

"I wanna be like you?"

When you do LeBron, from here to here.

-Okay.
-Let's go, Ro.

Let's go, Jerry.

How old were you
when you stepped up there?

-I had to be 18.
- Eighteen.

I was in college
on a classical piano scholarship

-that my grandmother bust her ass to get.
-Right, right.

And here I am,

eighty-one different countries
in my school,

playing music,

the only American in my class.

-Wow!
-So, I couldn't play the black card,

'cause the dude from Nigeria would,
"Please! Please!

You're talking about you're black!
I'm from Nigeria! Please."

As I'm getting ready
to do my new stand-up...

-Yeah.
-...and I know that I've done the...

showy and the energy.

Now, I got to stand flat-footed

-and now box southpaw.
-Right.

You're on your own planet now.

-The approval of the people is great.
-Yeah.

'Cause the people are gonna be,
"I'm here.

I wanna see it.
Go ahead, do the goof goofy."

But it's something about having
the comedian call you and say, "Yo!"

-Am I right?
-Yeah, you're right.

Of course you're right. But remember this.

What we will always respect the most
in the end

is what you did to that crowd.

That's what we respect the most
in the end.

I'll tell you
what's difficult now.

I did Fallon.

I did seven jokes.

All killed. I got seven...

entities...

that caused...

-I did a pitbull joke.
-Right.

I said, "Those pitbulls
can be cantankerous."

And the pitbull community
was up in arms.

They said, "Pitbulls are nice animals."
I've been around pitbulls.

I've owned pitbulls.

Even my own pitbulls,
every time I go to feed them, "You good?"

-"Yeah, we good, . Just..."

"Put that down
where you need to put it."

-That's great.
-I'm feeding one, the other...

The other one's behind me
locking the gate, like...

"Hey, did you just lock the gate, nig?"

"Yeah, we just wanna talk about
our surroundings, B. It's all good.

Just gotta talk about this whole thing.
We need bigger..."

So, like, what you all talking about?

Fallon was doing his announcements,

and I was signing.

But I wasn't signing real,
I was just, you know?

I didn't know
that the next guest was deaf.

So...

-That's pretty funny.
-I was like...

And then the next guest was like,
"Come on!"

"Come on!" I was--

"What the is this?
What the ?"

I was like, "Oh, ."

But then I watched Chappelle.

-And then I'm okay.
-Yeah.

-'Cause Chappelle's like, you know?
-Yeah.

"I was incensed! Bam!

Can't talk about nothing, man.

Somebody walked up and they said,
'There's Dave Chappelle.'

I said, 'Damn! Wutang, nigga."

I love Dave because he always uses
a very intelligent word...

-Yeah.
-...to go with his hood.

"I was beside myself.

I was chartreuse!

Damn, nigga!

-Perspicacity of these people."

When I was young,
my grandma used to say

that one day a fool would be president.

I said, "What do you mean?"

The way we get presidents

you don't have to have...

experience.

-Any other job other than...
-Right.

-Have you ever been president before?
-None of that.

-Have you ever run any other country?
-Nothing.

You've never been a dictator or a...?
Nothing.

The worst thing a comedian can do

is start to think he looks good...

and start dressing a certain way.

Any kind of leather or...

And I had a little bit of that...

coming up, where I thought my
was too good.

And I started making a little money,

and I went on stage, years ago,
and I started doing rich jokes.

Uh-huh.

"I got that Range Rover.

Anybody else?"

"When you get the square footage
of your home

and it's less than 5,000 square feet,

that can be kind of cramped."

And people were looking at me like,
"What the ?"

I get off stage, I'm like,
"I'm Jamie Foxx."

In my mind, they're going...

But they're literally...

And when I get off stage
and I'm walking out,

it was a little club in LA,

as I'm standing outside the club,

somebody opens the door...

"Who the is that in there?"

And when I opened the door,

it's a skinny black kid

with a little tank top on.

His name was Chris Tucker.

And he was hungry.

And he walked past me like, "."

Ah.

That's... "You think you're rich?"

And I was like...

The next night, I went up somewhere,
I bombed. Bombed again.

'Cause I was...

-I was behind my gate.
-Wow.

And then...

I remember getting, um,
a little embarrassed

'cause I'm thinking
everybody knew who I was,

and I'm at The Comedy Store hanging out.

And this girl walks up to me,
"Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!"
I'm like, "Yo, what's up?

What's up?"

"Do you know where Chris Tucker is?"
"Uh...

-Um, uh..."

And the girl looked and me and said,
"You look so familiar."

I was like, "Oh, ."

So, I was in a funk.

One thing I did have to do, too.
I had gained a little weight.

So, I had a little fame face.

-You know what "fame face" is?
-Like, living well.

At that time, the urban wear was a vest,
for anything.

You always had on your shirt,
and then, a vest.

But I only had two buttons clasped
because this right here...

And I finished a joke,

and while I'm resting
and getting my breath for my next joke,

a black girl goes,
"Why your belly so big?" I said, "Oh."

-And, you know, a black woman's voice...

-A black woman's voice can stamp anything.
-It cuts.

And that same black woman is everywhere.

You ever see a fight out in the street?

You always hear a black woman,
"Oh, my God! They fightin'!"

-It's always that.

It can be in the middle of Indiana

and all white people fighting,
no black people around,

but you will hear a black woman,
"Oh, my God! They fightin'!"

So, I come back, I lose the weight,
I get back on my .

As a matter of fact,
we win the Oscar for Ray.

But when I win the Oscar,
I don't take the Oscar home.

I give it to my manager. "You take this."

"You want it?" "No."

I said, "Because if I take that...

I'll buy into the Oscar ...

-Ah.
-...and I won't be funny anymore."

'Cause when you hold the Oscar...

For whatever reason,
when I was holding that Oscar,

I automatically started to speak
in an English accent.

"There I was in the jungles of Africa,
knee deep in hyena dung,

when I was approached
by the music of Ray in a spiritual form."

And I, "Get the .
I don't want none of this ."

It was a big argument with me
and my management at the time

on what jokes I should do
after winning the Oscar.

So there was a rumor that me and Oprah
were seeing each other.

I was like, "This is perfect."

So, when I went to Madison Square Garden

-for the first time after the Oscars...
-Right.

...I said, "Yeah, I'm out here dating.

They're out here saying I'm sleeping
with everybody." So, people are yelling.

So, I'm laying in bed with Oprah...

I lean over to Gail and say,
"Man, this is crazy, huh?"

I don't usually talk like this,

but you are so blessed

-to have that attitude.
-Yeah.

-It's not my kind of of word.
-It's not your kind of word.

But I have to use it.

-I know you're always...
- Look at this dish.

-Y'all smother...
-You wanna say that? I don't...

-The Jewish Coonass.
-I'm not saying that.

- I'm not ordering that.

I was gonna ask you about the parties.
I would like to come.

-Any time.
-Is there a... Can I...

Can I be a part of that?

-I've thrown parties for everybody.
-Yeah, I know.

See, I remember having Denzel there.

He just talked to the table.
"Well, you know, um...

All right, okay. So, you know, straight."

So, I'm 22 years old,

I'm doing comedy.

For real, every night, about a year.

This black dude stops me
on Columbus Circle,

"Saw your set the other night."
I'm going on 2:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. only.

-That's the only time I could get on.
-Wow.

Right? So, he was talking to me.
"I saw the bit, I like what you're doing."

And I go, "Thank you very..."

You know, at that age
you remember every person...

-Yeah, yeah.
-...that responds to you.

Twenty-five years later,

I'm in LA,

I get invited to this restaurant,
it's a private thing.

And Denzel's there. He's like...
"I'd love... I love this guy."

I meet him, shake his hand and go,

"Thrilled to meet you.
I'm a huge fan of your stuff."

He goes, "We've met."

I go, "Where?" He goes, "Columbus Circle.
You remember?"

"Oh, my God!

-That was you?"
-Ah!

There is something
that God gave us that preserves us.

When they're laughing at your stuff,

-you're being infused with golden light.
- Yeah.

First time you go to Hawaii, remember
how the air smelled? The sweetness of it?

-What is that?
-What is that smell?

We get that anywhere.

-That's crazy.
-It ever bother you when...

I used to work... We worked in a club,
people would smoke. All smoke.

-Did that bother you? No!
-No.

The laughter purifies the air.

Ah!

-I just turned 50.
-Yeah.

But my 50...

compared to where I grew up...

-Yeah.
-...is different.

Way different.

My 50 is like...

And their 50 is like,
"Boy, little boy, look at you.

Jamie!"

So, when it comes to you,
a comedy movie...

I just directed my own.

I just packed it with every favor
that I could get.

-Right.
-But what I did was...

we all play different nationalities.

So, I called Robert Downey Jr.,
I said, "Listen,

-I want you to play a Mexican."
- Right.

And he goes, "Dude, here's the deal.

Sure, of course.

Of course, you would say Mexican.
Why wouldn't I think other than..."

-Not too long ago...
- Mm-hmm.

...being black in Hollywood...

We still have our struggles,

but it's different.

I was talking to someone about this,
about white, male actors.

-Yeah.
-What I noticed was

-it's a billion of them.
-Yeah.

So the competition is ridiculous.

There's Channing Tatum,
there's Jake Gyllenhaal.

There's a billion people for a few roles.

This is the Chris Rock, uh, answer.

"There's ten niggas."

How much do you like Rock?

Rock kills me.

His conflictedness of whatever
is going on in the world is always,

"You know..."

And he has a lot of impending doom,
you know.

"I'm just tryin' to stay in.
I'm tryin' to stay..."

You'll be all right. You'll be fine.

Leno's like that, too.

Always telling you some story
about some security guard

that used to have a series, you know.

"Yeah, yeah..."

-"You keep working or..."
-"He was on top."

Yeah.

"He's going the other way."

I think what happens
in New Orleans cuisine,

a lot of times, it's a lot of...

uh...

dressings, and étouffée, and...

-Just okay.

Just give me the chicken.

Fry it.

Don't...

You know, they got the pig étouffée.

You know, just give me
the regular .

Yeah. No, they reach into a swamp here,

-and they just grab anything...
-Yeah.

...and then eat it.

"We got the sweat from the alligator.

Concentrate.

Alligator sweat."

-It's like Quentin.
- Tarantino.

I love Django.

You really got to do
one of his great things.

-Yeah.
-That was so great.

It was crazy.

Damn! What the hell is left for you?

Man, that stand-up.

We got... This whole thing
about stand-up is vast.

Oh, it's like an episode of Star Trek.

-There's always another planet.
-Always another planet.

Always another planet.

We shot Django, my daughter was four.

-She was on the set of that.
-Oh, that's funny.

Watching people get blown away.

"More blood, Daddy."

My 24-year-old, who was 18 at the time,

that's when I learned about millennials.

'Cause we're on the plantation, I took
them. "I want you to see your history.

Where we come from, the black people."
I'm over there singing...

♪ Swing low sweet ch-- ♪

And I'm crying.

And my daughter is like,
"Plantation life."

"Plantation life."
I was like, "What the ?"

"People died!" She's like, "I know, Dad.

I know. It's on my Instagram.

Plantation life."

I love the brotherhood, Jamie. I love it.

Oh, man, if you hang out at our house,

you gotta have thick skin.

-Don't bring a date.

My barber's funny.

My... Everybody's funny.
Everybody cracks jokes.

-That's funny.
-My mom's crazy. Everybody, so...

So, it's our job to keep the population
feeling that same way.

Yeah.

-Keep... It's a joke.
-Yeah.

-It's not real.
-Yeah, you have to.

-Just relax a little bit.
-You have to.

Michael Richards would figure out
how to get in the car

and get hit with it
as he's getting in the car,

and then drop out of frame.

Yeah.