Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 10 - Bridget Everett - full transcript

-Here's your receipt and your keys.

Thank you.
I've always wanted one of these.

-Would you like a bag?
-Sure.

How am I gonna get this home?

I'll drive it.

This is a 1991 Nissan Figaro

in pale aqua

with an ivory interior.

Right-hand drive.

You know, when you start out in comedy,

you don't really know
how it's going to work.



It's just something you decide
you want to do,

and you assume you'll figure it out
as you go along.

And that seemed to be the thinking
behind this car

when Nissan produced them
back in the early '90s.

They thought, "Let's just make
something cute that we like

and maybe somebody else out there
will like it."

It has a little engine. It's a little car.

It has a little folding top.

-It only weighs 1,800 pounds.

Everything about this car
has a cute, fun, happy,

friendly, silly, pointless vibe about it.

It even says right on the car,

"Ideal for the person
who enjoys savoring life."

Isn't it amazing how well the Japanese
are able to market stuff to us



while really having no idea
who we really are?

We're not savoring life!

Anyway, this car reminds me a lot
of my very special guest today,

Saturday Night Live star
Melissa Villaseñor.

She does lots of cute voices.

Wah, wah.

Rope her in.

-I think Melissa's crazy!
- She wears cute clothes.

Really cute outfit. Fanny pack!

-Seem like a match.
-Here we go.

- Is this the big call?
- This is it.

Remember when you thought
when you get into show business

that there's gonna be some big calls?

-The phone's gonna ring.
-Right.

-And you're life's gonna change, right?
- Yeah.

- This is one of those calls.
- I'm ready for coffee, Seinfeld.

Me too. I'm very excited
to spend some time with you today.

I'm bored out of my mind.

I need to talk with someone who's off.

Yes. I'm off all the time.

- Let's get coffee!
- Let's get coffee!

Why are we still doing the phone call?

-It's part of our gig.

Let's find out
with me, Jerry Seinfeld.

And this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

- This is for me?
-Yeah.

Oh, man! How cute!

-What do you think of it?
-Oh, I love it! This is awesome!

This feels like a dream.
This doesn't seem real right now.

I like how--
This is for the air conditioning?

For your face and foot.

- Not feet. Foot.
- Foot.

Where are we going for coffee?

-Is this a surprise?
- Yeah.

This is the best day of my life.

Everybody's got a hair thing in Brooklyn.

A hair thing, a shoe thing, a jean thing.

It's a circus sideshow, and I felt so bad.
I know they were happy, but...

People in the circus sideshow,

huge, fat, tattooed...

These are the people in the audience now.

What used to be the sideshow
is just regular people now.

-They're not that different...

-They're not that special.
-No, they're not freakish at all.

This looks like some kind
of food museum place.

- Yeah.
-Let's see what it is.

-Oh, this is the fortune cookie machine.
- Cool.

Look, that's how
the fortunes go in!

"Man without food is man without heart."

-Hi, Peter.
-Hi. It's a pleasure.

Why did you do this?

Yeah, well, there isn't any museum
anywhere in the world

that actually connects food
to culture, history, and science.

But, yeah, so this is actually a machine
that was used

to make breakfast cereal for decades.

It's called a puffing gun. It actually
fires the cereal out like a cannon.

-Wow!
- You like cereal, don't you?

- I love cereal.
- I do, too.

The technology came about
at a time when cereal

was actually transitioning
from a cure for masturbation...

-Oh, my-- I am sorry about that.
-Oh, Jesus. Seinfeld...

-Let me apologize in advance.

-It takes two hands for cereal, you know?
- Right.

You're pouring it.
You got the milk and the spoon.

And you're getting the prize.

So, it keeps your hands busy.

Maybe that's how it works.

-What is your name?
-My name is John.

Um... so, that's real MSG?
I've never seen that before.

- I'm gonna put it on your food.
-And they put it in for flavor?

- Um...
-And it'll make you crazy.

It makes food delicious.

We are in a very strange place.

-We're eating in a museum of food.

This is really weird.

- I've never experienced this.
-No! No one has.

It's insane.

He's part of the museum.
Do you understand how crazy this is?

- Yeah, I guess you're right.
-We're not in a restaurant.

-We're in a museum.

-Why do people keep changing things?

So, there'll be a tremendous...

uncomfortable attention on you,
as you eat...

because it's not a restaurant.

It's a museum.

It actually looks excellent.
I mean, for museum food...

Whoa.

Ever seen my bit about chopsticks?

Well, I'm sure the Chinese
have seen the fork.

But they said,
"We're staying with the sticks.

-Yes, obviously, that's better.

But we're just gonna ignore it,
and we're gonna stay with sticks."

How did you learn to do Natalie Portman?

I watched Garden State.

She did that thing where she's just,
"You wanna listen to some music?

I like music.

Everything's so amazing.

I... I... I... Things are just so crazy."

You know, Kristen Wiig, too.

-That's a subtle one also.
-Mm-hmm.

And that one is just so...

"I'm having such a great time.

I... I love this rice. It's so good."

Wow! MSG in there?

- A little bit.
-I love MSG.

- I love MSG, too.
-Yeah.

Reminds me of Madison Square Garden.

Do you like to go to movies?

I've been trying to get better at it,
though, going to the movie theater.

Is that a skill?

I don't expect movies
to be that good.

I like going.

When you're going to the movies,

like, you and your friend say,
"Okay, lets go.

-All right, we're gonna go."
-Yeah.

-That is such a happy time.
-Mm-hmm.

-And then you get in the car...
-You get popcorn.

You get popcorn, you walk in.
You get your ticket.

-That's the best part.
-Yeah, it is.

The movie, who cares?

-Are you still hungry?
-Yeah.

-Really?
-I saved my appetite for this.

-We didn't eat that much at the museum.
-No.

'Cause it's uncomfortable to eat
in a museum!

And what about your family?
Do you get to see them?

All the time.
I'm real close to my family.

Oh, that's nice. I can feel that.

That's where you get your, uh, security
and your...

your general comfort about yourself.

You know what's weird about Brooklyn?

Every day is Saturday in Brooklyn.

-It is. Like, go to work!
-It's weird. It's creepy.

I'm gonna go up to people,
"What are you doing?

-Get back to work!"

And they go, "I am working."

-"I'm working on my phone."
-Yeah.

"I'm a graphic artist.
I was just thinking of shapes."

There's ones I can't say
have, like, the Silly Putty stuff.

And a girl's nails will just, like,
go in the Silly Putty, and she'll just...

- Oh, yeah.
-I like that. That's nice.

Silly Putty was my favorite growing up.

-Really?
-I liked Silly Putty and Play-Doh.

Oh, I love Silly Putty, too.

It just seemed like you were gonna be able
to do a lot of great things with it,

-even though you never did.
-Right.

-The package was great.
-Yeah.

-The font of Silly Putty was great.
-Yeah.

It just seemed like a whole world
was gonna open up for you.

The more sophisticated
our toys have become...

-The less fun.
-...the less fun we're having.

I have a Steve Buscemi impression.

Just the way he is really calms me.

He has this way of just going with it.

The flow of life, just...

"This is it."

Like, I try to embody him in my life
when people make me feel bad.

Like when my friends say, "Why would you
let your gray hair grow out?"

I could just go...

"Sometimes I want to look like a skunk."

-So what happened with the guy?
-I went to Mexico with him.

We were on one of those romantic boats.

-Right.
-At sunset.

And I realized he didn't have
the same sense of humor as me,

because I saw his...
the little top of his...

crack, and I just went, "boop."

And he got so mad. He was like,
"Don't do that. I don't like that."

I called him after the trip ended.
I said, "Look, it's not gonna work out.

We don't have the same sense of humor
and that's really important to me."

"I don't like that. My Dad did that to me
growing up. I don't like that."

And I said...

"Well, your dad sounds great!
Is he still with your mom?"

-I have a Sandra Bullock impression.
- Really?

I say this is her knocking over dominoes.

She just goes, "No, no, no, no,
no, no, no." And that's it.

-It's been fun to share.
-Fun to share.

- I think it's--
-I feel like I'm watching Mister Rogers.

-But I--
-Can you do him?

No. And actually,
I started the movie last night.

I didn't get to see it.

It's a great movie, but...

it makes you feel like you're
a really mean person compared to him.

Mister Rogers makes you feel
really bad about yourself.

The opposite of what he's trying to do.

Right.

It didn't make me feel good at all.

-I feel, like, whoa!
-The same for me. Like, "Whoa, I'm...

-Yeah, "I got some work to do." Yeah.
-...the devil."

"I am not that nice.

Jeez, I was not aware of that."

Face!

Somebody dropped their wrapping paper.
Did you see that?

Someone's gonna have
a bad gift experience.

"What is it? Oh, I see what it is."

Did you have a favorite roller coaster
when you were a kid?

I don't like roller coasters.
They scare me.

Okay.

-What is the big--
-I love that you know yourself so well.

-God!
-What is the big deal in scaring people?

It's so easy.

I don't know why they make scary movies
and scary roller coasters,

like that's hard to do.

-We're half terrified every second anyway.
-I know, I know.

We're all little lemurs
here on the planet just...

Darting eyes and freaking out
at every little sound.

"Hey, what if we scared you?"

Look at this guy. Here's a guy doing it.

The two kids, the wife, the backpack.
He's double-parked.

He's got the door open,
people are trying to get by. He's dealing.

Plus, he's got two different
facial hair lengths he's gotta manage.

-Oh, gosh.