Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 9 - Melissa Villaseñor - full transcript

This is a 1974
VW Thing in avocado green.

Or is it?

No, no, no, it is not.

This car has been completely redone

by the VW Wizards of Old Speed

in Paramount, California.

The proprietor, Russell Ludwig,
is a master of VW prestidigitation,

and he has transformed this car
from a kind of fun, slow vehicle

to a fun, fast vehicle.

VW Things come with a 1,600 CC engine.

This is a 2.2 liter with 44 mm webers,



external oil cooler,

and special exhaust.

The windows don't roll down,
they slide or just pull them out.

It's a fun, no-nonsense car
for no-nonsense people

who are actually all nonsense.

Which is why it is the perfect car

for one of my oldest and greatest friends,
Mr. Mario Joyner.

Two middle-aged men in a weird car.

Mario and I love to talk.
We love to argue.

We love to re-enact horrific scenes
of murder and mayhem.

We love to make endless references
to our favorite movie,

Glengarry Glen Ross,
by David Mamet.

Who'd she call?

Why'd she do that... Jim?



Outside of my family,

I think I have spent more time with Mario
than anyone else I know.

And today, we are going to eat
one of my favorite things,

chicken and waffles.

Nobody's really sure
where chicken and waffles came from.

Some people say it's from Harlem,
some people's say it's from the South.

When something is this great,
people always fight over who invented it.

When I lived in LA,
Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

was always the biggest weekend treat.

And there was always
lots of comedians there.

I met Redd Foxx there.
I met Flip Wilson there.

Roscoe's recipe is so secret, they
wouldn't even let us film the kitchen.

Excuse me, sir.
You can't shoot here.

- Hello.
- Mario Joyner?

- Oh, yeah.
- What year did we meet?

Nineteen eighty-five.

Thirty-five years, Jerry, 35 years.

- Let's continue it, shall we?
-Yes, we shall.

This is gonna be
the best day ever.

And that's why I am Jerry Seinfeld,

and this
is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

-What do you think of it?
-I like it.

-Basic, right?
-I'm a Volkswagen man, you know.

-I know you are.
-I had a Volkswagen Golf.

I know. And your most memorable role,

I think, of your career,
was as Maroon Golf.

Maroon Golf.

Oh, look who's here.

Now, you've grown this beard.

I've seen some of these beard places.

They shape it, they manage it.

-They have stuff for if.
-Groom it. Yes.

It could use a little guidance.

You know, I haven't had hair in so long.

It's just so funny that when I shaved,
I thought I was done with hair.

Look at that. You just turned
your head upside down, is all you did.

-Yeah, really.

-So, we're in Venice.
-Yeah.

Venice is where crime and art meet.

Everybody has beards now, Jerry.

Right.

Every man wants to feel like he's doing
something that a woman can't do.

-Oh.
-Women are doing everything that we did.

I remember the first time
I was in a strip club

and a woman walked in the strip club.
She's coming to see the women.

I felt, "Something's wrong here.
This is a man's place."

Well, this is the last bastion.

These are man hairs, Jerry.

-These are man hairs.
-So, that's why...

That's why they've become popular.

-Yes.
-Oh.

Men are looking to hold on
to a piece of their territory.

-What can we hold on to?
-I see.

-The beard.
-They feel the advancing...

-uh, armies.
-It's coming.The fem armies.

A bad beard trim is worse
than a bad haircut.

-Why?
-'Cause it's right on your face.

-You can't cover it up.
-So is your hair.

-A hat, bang! Bad hair day, boom!
-Oh, I see.

What is there for a bad beard day?
Nothing.

You have nothing for a bad beard day.
This... Running around like this?

I found a place.

-Okay.
-Beautiful place.

And you know what the name
of the place is?

-What?
-Xquisite.

I made a mistake. One time I went
to get my hair cut, a long time ago,

and I looked for the guy
who had the nicest haircut...

-Right.
-...and let him cut my hair.

-Right.
-Mistake.

You should ask him,
"Who cut your hair?"

Some of those Mafia guys
get a haircut every week.

I don't mean any, you know,
any disrespect.

Oh, no. We cannot disrespect
anyone anymore. Why not?

-No disrespect.
-Why can't we disrespect?

No, I mean no disrespect.

And you know when people say that,
that's exactly what they meant.

Yeah, of course.

It's like,
"It's none of my business, but..."

-Well, stop right there.
-Stop right there.

Oh, yeah.

It's gonna change your life, Mario.

It's a living art piece.

There's nothing like
professionalism, Mario.

The only thing that really makes humanity
worth preserving.

One of my favorite jokes is

there's an English guy working
in his garden, magnificent garden,

this other guy walks up,

looks at the beautiful plants and flowers,

vegetables, he says,

"God's best work."

And the gardener looks up and says,

"You should've seen it
when he was in charge of it."

That was your beard
when God was in charge of it.

Now, man is in charge of it.

-How do you feel?
-I feel nice, Jerry. I feel good.

Nice.

-I feel more confident now.

Luckily, he won't have to show you
the back.

Exactly. But that's nice.

That is nice. Wow.

-Coffee!
- Let's get some coffee.

So, this is a convertible.
This is... this is good.

Yeah.

And this actually folds down,
the windshield.

The windshield folds down, too.
You lift up these things

and that flops down.

I think we should try it.

Oh, come on, man.

-Come on, man.
-Come on. This is something different.

Yes, it's lovely.

- It's a nice breeze, Jerry.
-You must admit, this is quite vivifying.

Ninety-nine percent of human activity,

we want to feel alive.

We know we are alive,
but we feel dead.

It was nice.

Waste and recycling services.

There's good money in waste, Jerry.

Yes. It's another thing
that renews itself.

Like hair and death.

You're never gonna run out of it.

-Always gonna be some.
-Yeah.

Waste, hair, and death.

Something goes wrong,
that whole thing falls on us.

"What happened?"
"We were behind a truck, and it just..."

-"Garbage comes out..."

Nobody does those sounds better than you.

-The scream of desperation.
-The scream and the crashing.

That happens at the same time.

Right?

-You don't hit and then scream.
-No.

You're out here,
you're vulnerable with the people.

Yeah.

Someone can take a shot at you right now.

-Jerry!

I grab the wheel and .

Then they take me out, too. Pow, pow!

Only comedians laugh

at these horrible scenes
of death and destruction.

Most people are disturbed
by such thoughts.

-Roscoe's.
- Here we go.

-Here we go.
- Oh, my God. Look at this.

Yeah!

Your beard looks fantastic.

You know what it looks like?
It looks like your face.

-Now, it's like part of your face.
-Yes, shaped it.

But I have looked up on the Internet

beard trimming and grooming videos.

Because you saw Letterman's beard
and you thought...

-this is ridiculous.
-No, it's nasty.

That's a real beard, though.
That's a real wizard's beard.

-He's got all of that.

What do you think of it?

-It's too long.
-Why?

-I don't know.
-The wizardry?

Yeah, it would help with the wizardry,
of course.

People disgust me so much.

-Particularly unkempt, older men.
-Yes.

In your thirties, did it bother you?

-No, no.
-You didn't pay attention to--

Don't you think people
have gotten more disgusting as...

over the course of our lives?

Depending on what areas
you're talking about.

Depending on what areas
you're talking about.

When you live in New York,

one of the worst parts

is when you leave New York,
the service,

every place else,
is absolutely intolerable.

We're gonna do something
about that here, Jerry.

We're gonna speak to them, Jerry.

We're gonna speak to her, Jim.

I want cream. I don't really...

Wait. That one has too much flavor.

-Use this one. Yeah.
-The french? This one here?

But I like that.

-I like hazelnut and french vanilla.
-All right.

-Tasty.

Like...

- All right.
- This is really great.

I really feel like we should strip down
in T-shirts for this, right?

It's good.

-It's good.
-But why would you take racial offense...

at liking chicken or watermelon?

-We enjoy the watermelon...
-Right.

...more than, you know?

So, how did it get twisted

-into a racial thing?
-I don't know.

-I don't understand how that happened.
-You can twist anything just...

-by how you say it.
-Right.

But that is interesting.
I don't know how that got turned into...

sitting around eatin' fried chicken
or eatin' watermelon.

Yeah. That seems like a nice day.

No more Sammy Davis Juniors out there.

Sing, dance...

-and tell a joke, too.
-Yeah.

I guess they had to do
with the Vaudeville days, right?

If you called yourself a performer,
then perform.

One could make the argument...

That people specialize now?

That they got better by... by...

not spending their time doing...
learning to do everything.

Better singers. Better comedians.

-Better dancers.
-I don't know about that.

That's your focus theory.

-Yeah.
-That's your do-one-thing theory.

Which, you know,
I don't necessarily appreciate it.

-You don't subscribe?
-No.

I feel you can be good at anything
that you get good at.

Do it long enough.
You don't have to not do something

to be good at something else.

Right.

I mean, wrong.

Who said they're doing it
at the same time?

They're not doing it at the same time.

I'm saying there's only
a finite amount of time.

You yourself don't do just one thing.

I love it when people say, "You yourself."

They really...
That's really going on the attack.

-A gentle attack.

-A cuddled attack.
-"You yourself."

You yourself don't even do one thing.

You won't like this
and/or agree with it...

- Mm-hmm.
-...but I would be better

-at every... any one of these things...
- Mm-hmm.

...if I eliminated the other things.

That's... You're just theorizing it.

-How can you prove that?
-Yes!

-You can't. It's not quantifiable.
-I don't know if I could--

That's what I think.

-We're having a coffee discussion here.
-It's very interesting.

I say, when you focus, you're focusing.

So there is no other thing.

I'll try and agree with you on that.

Make an effort!

-"I'll try and agree." Good.
-Yeah.

The reason, if I may...

-It's your show.
-...you and I

became glued to each other
from the day we met,

was because we're both so...

talkative.

-Yes.

I'm working with Jerry Seinfeld
for the first time.

-St. Louis, Missouri.
-St. Louis, Missouri.

I actually asked the people
at the front desk what...

what room you're in.

And they told me.

So, I come to the door,
I knocked on the door,

and I guess I look disheveled.

You opened the door
as long as the chain let it go.

-Right. With the chain.
-Peaking out.

"Hi, I'm Mario Joyner.
I'm your opening act."

"Yeah? Okay. Nice to meet you."

"I just wanted to say hi."
"Okay. Hi.

I'll see you at the club."

He shuts the door.

But then, at the club,

I do my set.

Said hi, talked about
some funny stuff that I said.

-Yeah.
-This and that. We bonded right then.

Although I annoyed you,

-"I saw the act. He's funny."
-Right.

-That was it.
-Yeah, the act is always the currency.

-The act is the currency, yes.
-Yeah, yeah.

We've been doing the show for 35 years.

Anyway, Jerry. I'm trying to tell you.
That's what I'm saying.

-Yeah, that's what's interesting about it.
-We've been done done this show, come on.

-Of course.
-Do that again. What is that thing?

-We've been done done this show.
-No, no.

-He should've had been done.
-He should've had been done that.

Should've had been done that.
You invented a new tense.

Yes. I...

Why is that a new tense?

Because it's not past. It's not...

Past would be "He should have done it."
That would be past tense.

-He should've had been done that.
-"He should be doing it."

That would be present tense. "Doing."

I'm just trying to say
he's so late at doing it.

Yes. "He should have been doing it
and doing it now," is what...

You created a past future perfect.

-Look how cute that looks.
-It's--

-See that?
-"Cute".

I hate these turns.

Why would they do that to you?

-Why would you do that, Jim?
-Why'd she do that, Jim?

-Who'd she call?
-Who'd she call?

The State Attorney's office.

The Attorney, um...

Why...

did she do that, Jim?

Why'd she do that, Jim?

-And he stops.
-Yes.

-...Jim.

That's funny.
"Life can change in an instant."

-What's that?
-There was a funny billboard there.

"Life can change in an instant."
It's a guy on a ladder on a roof,

and his hands have let go.

Well, yeah. If you go up on a ladder
and let go,

yeah, things are going to change.

-Quickly.

- Look at the number of domiciles.
- Look at 'em.

This is a renting, um, city.
People rent more here than anywhere.

-They just rent, rent, rent. Yes.
-Really?

I'm going from renting to renting.

-You're going from renting to--
-I'm going from renting to renting.

Oh, so you wanna go from renting

-to renting.
-Renting. Yes.

The person that rents it
says they're renting,

and the person that rents it out
says they're renting.

-All renting.
-They use the same word.

And they're doing the opposite thing.

-They're both renting.
-Yes.

One paying, one making.

Takes two.

-You can't rent from no one.

-I do it. I do it.
-The second rent--

-The more pleased one that you do...
-Yes.

-...is 'cause you're taking money in.
-Yes, of course.

I'm going from renting to renting.

You're very handy,
and you're very good with, uh, home crafts

and various types of, uh...

Tools. I just learned about the, uh...
the hammer drill.

-What's that?
-It's a drill...

It drills...

It's the one you use
for drilling into concrete.

You can drill into concrete
with a regular drill and the bit,

but if you have a hammer drill,
what it does is,

it hammers and drills at the same time.

I say it reminds me of my younger years.

Chicken and waffles and Pinkberry.

We're back in the '90s.

Nothing worse than a free man
not acting free.

Goddamn right. It's a sad thing.

What if I told you
you should have a motorcycle?

It's fine to have kids.

Have a motorcycle.

-You don't have a kid, have a motorcycle.
-Mm-hmm.

-Okay.
-Sometimes you say things

just to see how it sounds
when it comes out.

Yes.

What about downtown LA?

-How about that?
-Nah.

There's no beach!

-I like the beach.
-You never go to the beach.

"Mario, you never go.
You never get in the water." I don't.

-No.
-But I wanna be near the beach.

But you wanna know it's there.

The homeless would agree with you.

They get on that train,
they come down here.

That train to Santa Monica from downtown.

People who have no homes
are very particular about real estate.

Exactly.

Wow, this is so nice.

Nice, right?

I can't get enough of this.

-Well, I can, and I think I have.

Yeah, Whitey Bulger, this neighborhood.

He moved out here to head out,

just changed his look and said,
"I'm staying here."

Didn't get a big house,
got an apartment.

That's thinkin'. That's smart.

Didn't keep him out of jail,
but that's thinkin'.

That's thinkin'.