Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 11 - Barry Marder - full transcript

This is a 1961 Cadillac Series 62
convertible.

Cadillacs have nothing to do with reality.
What year is it?

It's a '61. What do we call it? '62.

Sometimes you want to stretch out,

you want to open up,
you want to spread your wings.

That's when you need a Cadillac like this

in Pompeian red
with a maroon with white interior.

It's got a 6.4 liter V8, 325 horsepower,

weighs almost 5,000 pounds,
and goes 125 miles an hour.

Cadillac marketed this model as, quote,

"The new standard of the world
in supremacy!"



That's about 15 years after World War II.
Really? World supremacy?

Is that good marketing?

If you crash this car,

you really just wanna fly through the air
in a swan dive and end it.

But the funeral people would go,
"Wow, that guy had a lot of style."

Which is why it's the perfect car
for my very special guest today,

Bridget Everett,

and Poppy,

one of the most exciting night club
cabaret performers I have ever seen.

I'm not making any sense.
Cut that out of the footage.

I don't really know how
to describe what it is that she does

but I've seen it, I love it.

She's exciting. She's hilarious.
She's musical.

It's a show
that's completely unique to her.



You go see Bridget Everett,
you will never forget it.

I like people like that.

She describes herself
as an old cabaret provocateur.

Part of her show is on stage,
part of it is in the audience,

very interactive
whether you like it or not.

-Bridget?
- Hello, Jerry?

I think I'm the luckiest boy
in New York this morning.

All right. We're gonna
light this town on fire. See you soon.

- I'll be there in a minute. Bye.
-All right. Bye.

She really is a favorite,
favorite person of mine.

And that's why I am Jerry Seinfeld,

and this
is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

-Now, is Poppy coming with us?
-Yeah.

-Where is she?
-Oh, she's in the bag.

-Oh, my God! Look at this!
- Oh, nice.

-This is show biz.
-Yeah, right?

This is like the kind of car
I always dreamed of being in and having.

This show is about cars
that are fantastic to photograph

and a bitch to drive!

This car rides pretty nice.

-It does.
-I'm kind of enjoying it.

Right? This is nice.

Do you feel a lot pressure
to not... crash?

I do feel pressure not to crash.

But I love wheels.

-I love wheels. I love that they turn.
-I love wheels, too.

-Yeah.
-And that you roll on them.

I love skateboards, and bicycles,
and motorcycles.

-I can't contain my enthusiasm.
-Good.

I think when Larry David

named his show Curb Your Enthusiasm...

-...I think he was talking about me.

I think that was a direct comment to me.

My dad had a '63 Caddy that he loved,

-a Fleetwood.
-Uh-huh.

His dream was always the Caddy.

My mom was always like, "You're really
doing good if got a Cadillac."

Yeah.

But, um... we had a Chevette.

There was one time that we drove

all the way down to Florida
in a Chevette from Kansas.

My mom, my brother, and I,
'cause my great-aunt died.

We go pick her up at the funeral home,

and, um, they're like,
"Uh, just give us another 15 minutes.

She isn't quite ready."

So, they hand us the tube,
and she was still hot to the touch.

It was so disgusting, Jerry.

That is a little real.

But that's when you're glad
that you have a Chevette,

'cause you can put her in the hatchback.

And she rolled around, she cooled off.

I'm not used to people
being so nice to me.

Everyone's nice to you.
I've never seen anyone not...

adore every second
when they get with you.

-People are very nice.
-You're a get.

You're a get now.

-I'm a get now.
-Yeah.

Well, that's part of your charm,
is you kind of play it off.

You know, that, "Oh, I'm just Bridget

-from Kansas."

-So, I had to use this show.
-That's funny.

-I used my show to get you.

I remember one time you came to see
this pilot I did,

and then you texted me the next day.

-Yeah.
-And I just stared at my phone for, like,

20 minutes.

And you're like, "Let's get lunch."
I'm like, "Lunch!

Where? Why?"

Did you have a lot of years of struggle
or were you just always like...

-No.

Oh, I think my favorite thing about you
is how you just, "No."

-Well, let me be clear.
-Yeah.

-When you're 22 years old...
-Yeah.

...and you're making $65 a week,

-you're good.
-Yeah.

All you need is two pairs of jeans
and some Tide.

- I went to Arizona State.
-I've just read that this morning.

-And they said you had a full scholarship.
-Yeah.

I studied Opera.

♪ I'd like to slap their faces! ♪

♪ What do they think they are? ♪

Do you... do you follow opera?

Not closely.

What happens out here?

Here?

Yeah. Like, did you pick this
for a reason, this part of town?

-Or this town?
-Well, it could be nice.

But you don't visit it on occasion?

-Me?
-This Jersey town. Yeah.

-Me come here?
-Yeah.

No.

See, there's just a type of person
that can live here.

-There is.
-You're not that type.

-Here's my theory, okay?
-Okay.

-We all need a certain tension level...
-Yeah.

...that is comfortable,
that matches what some kind of...

uh, harmonic vibration that you have.

-Yeah.
-Right?

-Yeah.
-So, that's where you live.

-That's where you feel comfortable.
-Yes.

I need that tuning fork
to be humming at this pitch.

That's so true.
And if it goes, like, slightly

left-of-center or right-of-center,
I really...

-I lash out.
-Yeah.

Oh, look at that old car dealer.

I like everything on that lot.

Look, Tina Fey!

This is on the side.

Oh, it says "Tena Fly. Oh, Tenafly."

Your mom would think,
"That must be Tina Fey's house."

Yeah.

Good girl.

-Bless you.

-Bless you.

That is the most interesting sneeze
I've ever heard.

It's tender and...

and full of rage all at the same time.

I always want people to have...

-a real experience, and like...
-Yes.

I like it when people walk out.
You know, I don't love it,

but I like that they're having,
like, a reaction

and they just, like,
they got to get out of there.

I lived in the same shitty apartment

-for 18 years on the ground floor...
-Wow.

...which, I think
that might be largely why

-I was just depressed all the time.
-Yeah, right.

I don't know, I think that that's what
makes doing shows so exciting.

-You got a reason to live and be happy.
-Yes!

I did have a really good time
with you one time,

-and you had a couple glasses of wine.
-Yeah!

That was delightful.

When you get Jerry Seinfeld
a couple glasses of wine in him,

you're gonna have a real good time.

Know what's really funny?

Is to have a couple glasses of wine
and be around one of your kids.

-'Cause they kind of freak out.

Do they?

"What's with Dad?"
You know, it's really fun.

I was watching those, um...

Dean Martin Roasts.
I thought of my dad as Dean Martin,

-but he wasn't as suave, you know, but...
-Yeah.

And, um... Oh, Foster Brooks.

-I think we talked about Foster Brooks.
-Yeah, we did.

I have never met Don Rickles.

However, Mr. Rickles, you and I do have...

an indirect relationship.

You see, I'm fooling around
with your wife.

Now, you know what he used to do
before he was discovered by Dean Martin?

-Was what?
-He used to just do corporate gigs,

and they would introduce him

as the CEO of the company
we're considering merging with.

Did your parents
used to have cocktail parties?

-No...
-Mom and Dad had these cocktail parties.

-Everybody-- Jews...
-Jews don't have cocktail parties.

They order out Chinese.

I love Chinese food.

-I do, too.
-I just want to go to China

and go, "What's a good Chinese--
Is there a good Chinese restaurant here?"

"We don't have Chinese restaurants.
There's just restaurants."

Those windows
look like milk bottles.

-Don't they?
-They do.

I got to find more...
more hobbies, more interests.

-Why?
-I don't know.

You're assuming that the world
is interesting. It's not.

So, who was
the first person you saw

when you were a kid?

John Belushi on Saturday Night Live
and Animal House.

Like, I just felt, like,

-so electrified by him.
-Yeah.

Really, really sad,
like, when he died and...

Sometimes it's sad,
and sometimes it's beautiful.

-Yeah.
-They did...

get it out there for us.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-That crazy thing that they had.

There was no other way for that to go.

You know, I'm good friends with ,
and that's his...

-I don't like him.
-His friend. At all.

-Oh, no.
-At all.

-In fact, I have a particular...

-...feeling about him.
-Oh, God.

-I had kind of forgotten about him.
-Mm-hmm.

And then there was a little article
about him in the paper.

And even in that,
there was a veiled reference

to his dislike of what I did.

-Really?
-It didn't have my name, of course.

He used to rail against me,

'cause they weren't as wild and dangerous

-as he was.
-Yeah.

'Cause he sucked.

Okay? He wasn't funny.

-Yeah.
-And that's why he didn't get anywhere.

-Yeah.
-Period.

-This feels-- I feel very tense right now.
-He sucked.

-'Cause in comedy...
-Yeah.

...nobody gives a
if you're cool, if you're lame.

If you're funny, you win.

-Yeah.
-If you're not funny, you don't.

And he's not funny.

That's why he had to do
that stupid voice.

-'Cause you have no act.

-I feel very stressed out.
-Yeah.

-You can tell him all of that.

And that's why he didn't like me,
'cause I could actually do it.

I can do it. I can do comedy.

-Yeah. But you--
-He can't.

God!

And that's why he doesn't like me.

-That's what that's about.
-Oh, my God.

-I've never seen you like this before.
-Yeah. I've never been like this before.

-I'll tell you where else it came from.

Oh, God.

No!

-Everything's fine. I'm just gonna go...

Stupid .

-Jesus.
-You're not scary or dangerous.

-Oh, my God.
-You're just... you're just weak on stage.

-That's what you are. Weak.
-Oh, my God.

You're a weak act.

-I-I love him.

-Oh, this--
-You can love him.

He's gonna need the love,

because he's not gonna get it
from the public.

-Oh, my God!
-Because you don't have any skills.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-You don't have any talent.

-You have some people you don't care for.
-Yeah, a couple.

Yeah.

We could take a little walk.

I bet Poppy has to go tee-tee.

-Maybe I can let her go tee-tee outside.
-Okay, sure.

It'll be a quick one.

The length is irrelevant.

She got her hair done
for the show.

- Really?
-Yeah.

-What did they do? Do they tease it out?
-They just wash and fluff.

And then, they, uh, shave the...

-So, she--
-I don't think I'd want that job.

Yeah.

-Oh, that's a nice tree.
-Yeah.

-Do you like weeping willows?
-No, I don't care for them.

-Wow.
-I find them sad.

Maybe it's the name.

-That type of tree.
-Yeah, that type of tree.

-That is the most depressing looking...

-It's upside down, first of all.
-Yeah.

I would turn that over.

Well, we can go check out these cars.

Let's just take a quick look.

What are you guys doing?

-What?
- What are you guys doing?

-We're just looking at cars.
-We don't know. How's it going?

You don't-- Next time you walk in there,

tell me who you are
and what you're doing.

You know what polite people do?

They walk in, "How are you?

Can we take some pictures?

Are those cars for sale?"

Oh, I'm sorry. We just like the cars and--

I don't know--
You didn't tell me who you are.

We don't know who you are either.

We're interested in your cars.

-Are you trying to sell them?
-No.

-Oh, you're not?
-No, they're not for sale.

They're not for sale?

Oh, it's a service...

Automotive service.

Maybe he sells them, maybe he doesn't.

-All right, we're going in here.
- Oh!

- Hello.
-How are you today?

-Good.
-Good. How are you?

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Jerry.

-I like tarot cards. You like tarot cards?
-Yeah. All right, let's do tarot cards.

Your leg getting a little tired?

-Can't hold the camera like he used to.

Like, "Yeah, I'll take the job,
but can I sit down?"

All right, this is looking good.

You're strong-minded.

When you set your mind to something,
you have to follow it out.

Yes.

You analyze people
that are surrounding you.

-Is that yours?
- I don't think it's me.

- It's not me.
- It's not me.

-It's that spirit calling me.

They really are aggressive these days,
aren't they?

-Oh, my!
-They used to do it like psychically,

now they just call.

Let's see what's going on with Jerry.

Isn't this fun?

He looks sad.

-It's actually meaning you.
- Oh!

-God, this is dark!
-You're focusing, and it's not sad.

-Okay.
-It's pondering on decision-making.

Beware of the past.

One particular person
that you've had conflict with.

Any further questions?

-Can I use your bathroom?
-Yes!

This is an opportunity for you.

You have something in you
that is negative.

-That needs to come out.

-Thank you.
-That was fun.

-Pleasure meeting both of you.
-You're out of toilet paper.

Honestly, like, all I ever wanted
was a convertible.

-It's just-- It really is living.
-Yeah.

- This is the coolest.
- This is so cool.

Also, just arriving into New York City
in this kind of car...

Yeah, yeah. It's like we're
in a Jack Lemmon movie.

Yeah.

I like to drive around in Cadillacs,
let my hair whip around.

I really am completely complimented
by all the rip-offs of this show.

-Yeah.
-I love it.

I could truly just drive around

-in a convertible...
-Yeah.

-...all day long.
-Yeah.

Back and forth to Jersey,
finding new towns, new places.

-Sorry.

How old does that sound?

-Oh, that sounds good.
-That's a different sound, right?

-You don't hear that anymore.
-Yeah.

And then, this one over here.

I need to tell you, he's a charmer.

-Yeah.
-He's your kind of guy.

Oh, he just winked at me.

-He just... Hashtag me too.