Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 9 - Cabin Fever - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

All right, you guys,
listen up.

The practical jokes
are over.

I don't know what you were thinking,
but to run the risk of losing a starting player

for some dumb practical joke is about
the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!

You do not, and I repeat,
you do not put Deep Heat ointment

in a guy's shorts
before a game.

Any idiot knows that.

How you feeling, Fred?
Are you still burning, babe?

No.

I was soaking in ice
for about a half an hour,



I'm a little numb,
but I'm okay.

You want to sit down?
No, I'd rather not.

Fred, I want you to know I'm not
gonna let this go unpunished.

What are you
gonna do to me?

I'm not going to do
anything to you.

I'm gonna punish the team
for this dumb joke.

I may take some scholarships away.
That's how serious I am.

You know something?
You guys like to pick on Fred

because you know
he won't fight back.

And he won't fight back,
because he's smart.

Uh, Coach...
Just a minute, Fred.

This young man
has more maturity

than all you bozos
put together.

Coach...
Hang on now, Fred.



You know what
really irks me?

Is that I have to spend this precious
time before a game scolding you guys

when I should be
here pumping you up.

Now, why don't we put all this
energy into beating the Badgers

instead of playing these
stupid jokes on each other?

Now what do you say?
Let me hear it! Are we a team?

ALL: Yeah!

Are we together?
ALL: Yeah!

Are these pranks
going to stop?

ALL: Yeah!

Go after them!

(ALL CHEER)

Come on in.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Kelly.
Hi, Stuart.

Well, I can see you
already got started.

Yeah, thought I might
as well get it over with.

Dad, we don't have to do this
today if you don't want to.

No, no, no, come on,
it makes sense.

You got to go up to Minneapolis
and Christine wants her stuff back.

You might as
well take it.

God, this is hard.

(SOBS)

Stuart, I'm the one who got dumped.
How come you're crying, huh?

I'm feeling
for all of us.

Kelly, would you just put the
toaster and the blender in the boxes?

Stuart...

Here you go, here, here.
Thank you.

(SOBS)

So, what else
is Christine's?

Well, the tea kettle, obviously,
and the spice rack and these pots and pans.

Oh, God!

I think we're gonna
need a bigger box.

I've got some more
up in the attic.

Oh, Stuart, why don't
you get them?

Okay?

I'll start getting Christine's
clothes out of the bedroom.

God, life is a
bitter journey.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize this was
going to be such a big deal.

Yeah, well, listen,
if you're going to do this for her,

would you just make sure you get
all my stuff back from her place?

We will.

I mean everything,
Kelly.

I promise.
Everything.

Hey, hey, hey! Sunday afternoon
football on the big-screen TV.

I can't wait!

What's all this
stuff doing out?

That's Christine's.
Kelly and Stuart are taking it back to her.

I don't want to talk
about this stuff.

Come on, I just wanna watch
football and think happy thoughts.

Come on,
somebody say something happy.

Looks like you're going
to get some new neighbors.

(CHORTLES)

What?

Yeah, the guy next door
is selling his cabin.

We saw a "For Sale" sign
as we were pulling up.

Oh, man!

Do you ever get
the feeling

that there's nothing you can
say that won't set him off?

Well, jeez,
that's just great!

What's the matter,
Hayden?

That's old man Newbower's place.
He's my favorite neighbor.

He went to bed early,
he got up late,

he never had anybody over,
I never had to talk to him.

Jeez, he's the best
neighbor I ever had.

Why's he selling
his place?

Jeez, I hope he didn't
die or something.

Could be anybody, buy that
place, move in next door.

Maybe it won't sell.

What do you mean?
It's a cabin right on the lake.

It'll sell in a week.

With my luck, The Munsters will move
in and my whole life will be ruined.

Mr. Newbower?

No, he's still alive.

Huh.

Guys,

could one of you help me carry
Christine's clothes to the car?

HAYDEN AND LUTHER: Dauber?

Christine sure had
a lot of stuff here.

Yeah.

Well, we were together
four years, Luther.

You know, a lot of stuff
accumulates in that time.

Oh man,
I hate this, Luth.

Why don't I turn
on the game?

I don't feel
like watching football.

Come on,
football always cheers you up.

If nothing else
goes right today,

at least you can
watch the Vikings.

ANNOUNCER ON T.V.: Stay tuned for
exciting Vikings football coming up next.

What happened?

I pulled a wire
loose in the attic.

I hope it was
nothing important.

Hayden?

Hayden?

Hayden?

Hayden?

Hayden?

Hayden?

Hayden?

It's 1:00 in the morning,
Luth, what's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.
I want to talk.

What do you want
to talk about?

I can't sleep,
I got excited.

Would it help if I
hit you with a shovel?

You'll be happy when you hear
what I have to say, Hayden.

You remember how at the
beginning of the season

I almost bought the
place I was renting,

but I didn't because Bo Whitley
got injured and I got scared?

Well, Bo's okay now,
we're winning again,

and I'm thinking about getting
back into the housing market.

What are you
talking about?

I'm thinking about buying
old man Newbower's cabin.

You know how
you were saying...

(GROANS)
I'm sorry.

You know how you were saying you
were dreading having a neighbor?

And I can certainly
understand that.

I mean, the last thing in the
world anybody wants to have

is some jerk
moving in next door.

But if I was
your neighbor,

you wouldn't
have a problem.

Think about it, we could drive
to work together every morning,

we could drive home
together in the evening.

We can eat together,
we can watch television together.

Go fishing on
the lake together.

I mean, it is so
perfect, it is scary.

Hayden?

I mean, we can have
Thanksgiving together,

we can have
Christmas together.

I mean, every...
I'm sorry.

Excuse me,
I didn't mean it.

What do you think?

I don't know what to
think, Luther.

Can you imagine you and me living
right next door to each other?

And we could go barbecue
every day together.

We could... l mean, I can't think
of anything we couldn't do together.

I'm going to go over there first
thing in the morning, talk to him.

I don't want anybody
to beat me to it.

Hayden, this could work out
perfect for both of us.

I mean, I've always wanted
to have my own place,

and you don't want
somebody living next door

who's going to be
bothering you all the time.

How early do you think
we can go over there?

I bet you've never seen it,
but I get up at 5:00.

Then I go crazy trying to think
of something to do before work.

Of course, if I lived next door to
you, I wouldn't have to go crazy.

I could come over here.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Boy, the more I think about
it, the better it sounds.

How does it
sound to you?

What do you think?

Sounds fast Luth,
just sounds fast, real fast.

You know me, it takes me 20 or
30 years to make up my mind.

But, when I do,
I do it fast.

Well, hey, Hayden?

If it's not too
much of a problem,

would you mind going
over there with me?

I mean, you know a lot more about
property in this area than I do.

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, jeez,
thanks a lot, neighbor.

We're not
neighbors yet.

Yeah, but we will be.

Hey, where's that flashlight
you had around here?

I just thought I'd go over there and
poke around for a little bit, you know.

Yeah, well, it's 1:00
in the morning, you know.

Don't worry,
I won't wake him up.

I'll be as quiet
as a mouse.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(LOUD CRASHING)

LUTHER: It's okay,
it's just me.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MR. NEWBOWER:
It's open. Come on in.

Wow, what a place!

MR. NEWBOWER: I'll be right
out, just putting in my teeth.

Oh, Hayden, this is
the cabin of my dreams.

Do you have any idea what
a cabin like this costs?

Not over $60,000 I hope.

That's all you got to
spend, is $60,000?

Yeah. Why?
Is that a problem?

Aw, doggone it.

What's the matter?

Well, the dream
is dead, buddy.

A cabin like this is going to
cost way more than $60,000.

Man, and this was going
to be such fun, too.

Oh, come on. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Come on, let's go.

Well, good morning.

Oh, hi,
Mr. Newbower.

Gee, you know, I'm afraid
we're just wasting your time.

Oh? How's that?

Well, this place is a little
out of our price range.

Are you a gay couple?

What?

Not that I care, mind you.
I mean, if two people love each other...

We're not a gay couple!

We're not a
couple at all.

If you are, you don't have
to be ashamed to admit it.

Well, we're not!

Well, good.

So, who's the buyer?

He is.

I'm Hayden Fox,
your next-door neighbor.

Oh, the angry guy.

Well, it's nice
to finally meet you.

Well, thank you.

So, how much are you
asking for the place?

I listed it
at $62,500.

You're only asking
$62,500?

I'll take it.
What do you mean you'll take it?

You said yourself
it's a great price.

Luther, you said you
only had 60 to spend.

Yeah, but it's such
a great cabin, Hayden.

How do you know
it's a great cabin?

I think it's
a great cabin.

That's good enough
for me, I'll take it.

Well, wait a minute.
Would you just quit taking it?

Luther, you don't know
anything about this place.

Look, when you
buy a new car,

you just don't
look at the outside.

I do.
Well, that's nuts!

You've got to check
the whole thing out.

For all you know, there could be a
lot of things wrong with this place.

Oh, I think you'll find
it's in pretty good shape.

I'll take it.

Stop taking it!

Well, if he loves it
and you love him...

I'm gonna make
this clear to you.

We're friends, okay?

Okay.

Luther, as a friend,
I'm telling you,

you're gonna spend a lot more money
here than you can afford, okay?

I mean, there could
be a lot of things...

Mr. Newbower,
no of fence,

but I noticed as we were
coming up the porch,

that you've got
some dry rot.

Me, personally?

No, no, the wood!

What's that?
Dry rot?

It means that you might
have to replace the porch.

So how much
does that cost?

Two or three thousand bucks.
And then there's the roof.

Heck, you know,
this place is 20 years old.

Roofs don't
last forever.

How much
would that cost?

Well, you're looking
at another $10,000.

How's your plumbing,
Newbower?

You're talking about
the cabin now, right?

Haven't had a
problem in 20 years.

Okay, there you go.
See, he hasn't replaced anything in 20 years,

you're going to
need new plumbing.

So, how much
will that cost?

Well, I think you're looking
at another 5,000 bucks.

Hayden,
that's over $80,000.

See, what have I been
trying to tell you?

That's more than you can afford.
Now come on, let's go.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm a reasonable man.
I never said the cabin was perfect.

And I never said the price
was carved in stone.

I might be willing
to come down a little bit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, this guy's looking
at over $20,000 in repairs.

How much are you
willing to come down?

How does $20,000 sound?

You'd sell me the cabin for $42,500?
I'll take it!

No, wait a minute!
Sold!

No, not sold, not sold.
What are you doing?

You're selling, he's buying,
no one's even thinking here.

I don't have to, Hayden.
You're thinking for me.

The dream isn't dead,
Hayden, the dream's alive!

I hope you two will be as
happy as Ethel and I were here.

(KNOCKING)

Come in.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, Kelly.

Are you okay?
You look kind of preoccupied.

No, I'm just thinking about
a lot of stuff at once.

Anything you want
to talk about?

(SIGHS)

Well, Luther's thinking about
moving in next door to me.

Oh, my God!

I mean, no offense to Luther.
I love Luther, he's like an uncle to me.

But if he moves in
next door to you,

he'll drive you
nuts, won't he?

Yeah, that's good
old Uncle Luther.

What are you
going to do?

I don't know. I tried to steer him away from
it, but you know Luther.

His wheels are
pretty much locked.

I tell you, Kelly,
I got a feeling, you know,

if he moves in next door to me,
this is gonna ruin our friendship.

Well, can't you
tell him that?

(SIGHS)

Not without hurting
his feelings.

If I tell him,
we'll get into a fight,

and ruin our
friendship anyway.

I mean, I already lost Christine,
I don't wanna lose Luther.

Then you'll be the only
one I have left.

And Stuart.

Exactly.

So you can see why
Luther's so important.

I still think you should
tell him how you're feeling.

Yeah, well,
maybe so.

Listen, how'd it
go at Christine's?

Did you get all
her stuff back to her?

Yeah.

Did you get my stuff?

Yeah.

Take it to my cabin?

No, I've got it with me.

Where?

Here.

Jeez, this is all I left
at Christine's in four years?

Apparently.

Dad, I don't know what you
and Christine broke up over...

Well, I know it
wasn't closet space.

But considering how much
stuff she had at your cabin,

and how this was all
you had at her apartment,

I was wondering if maybe
the problem had something

to do with different
levels of commitment.

This certainly points out that
there were different levels.

Listen, anytime you wanna
talk, I'm always here.

Thanks, Kelly.

I'd better get
back to class.

Okay, honey.

Hayden?
Yeah, Luth.

Howdy, neighbor.

Those are cabin
clothes, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

I figure if I'm gonna be a cabin
owner, I'll dress like one.

Luther, can we talk
for a minute?

Sure.

Man, I don't know
exactly how to say this,

but I've been doing a lot of thinking
about you moving in next door.

And I don't think
it's a good idea, Luth.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you and I've
been friends for a long time,

I mean, there's nobody
that I'm closer to than you.

But let me ask you a
question, I mean...

Does it worry you that
if we were neighbors,

we might grow tired
of each other?

Hayden, I've known
you for 20 years.

If I was going
to get tired of you,

I'd have done it
before now.

What about if
I got tired of you?

Tired of me?
Yeah.

How could
you ever...

What are you
saying, Hayden?

Well, Luther, I wouldn't hurt your
feelings for anything in the world,

but I don't want you
living next door to me.

How come?

You'd drive me crazy.

How am I gonna
drive you crazy?

By doing all the stuff you
said you were going to do.

You know, by coming
over every morning,

coming over every night,
coming over every afternoon.

You'll just be coming
over all the time.

Hayden, when I said I was
going to live next door,

I didn't mean I was going to
be coming over all the time.

You said you're gonna be over for
breakfast, for lunch, for dinner,

to watch TV, you're gonna mow the lawn,
you're gonna shovel the driveway...

Well, sure, I'd visit!

Luther, I don't want
you buying the cabin!

But I want to buy the cabin.
Well, you can't!

What do you
mean I can't?

Luther, I forbid you
to buy the cabin!

Well, what do you
mean you forbid?

What gives you the right...
You can't tell... I'm buying the cabin!

Oh no,
you're not!

In case you haven't read the paper
this morning, this is America.

And in America,
we have freedom of living.

That means I can buy a
cabin anywhere I want to,

and that means next
door to Hayden Fox.

Well, you're not
buying that cabin!

Well, how are you
going to stop me?

Because I'm going
there right now!

Luther, I forbid you
to leave this room!

What do you mean
you forbid?

You can't tell me... What gives you the...
I'm leaving this room.

Well, you're not buying
that cabin!

Oh yes, I am!

No, not if
I get there first!

Man, this is madness!

We're behaving
like children!

Come here.

Go sit down
on the couch.

Let's talk about this rationally and
sanely, all right? Okay?

Okay.

Hayden, you cheater!

You cheater!

Newbower,
put your teeth in and open up!

Come on in.

Oh, it's you.

Mr. Newbower,
you have to sell me the cabin.

Well, I'm going to.
I've got the papers all ready.

No, no, no, no. I mean,
you've got to sell it to me and not to Luther.

Hey, come on.
I'll give you $45,000 for it.

Stop! Don't listen to him!
It's my cabin, and I want it!

No, I don't want him
living next door to me!

Well, I'm going to live next door to
you, whether you like it or not!

Something's happened.

Look, Mr. Newbower,
I offered you $45,000 dollars.

Now, we got a deal?

You're trying to buy
this away from me?

No, I am trying
to save our friendship!

Well, you're not
going to do it.

I don't care what you
say or how high you go.

I've been saving
money all my life!

I'll give you $45,500!

I'll give you 50!

$50,000?
You're going to give...

I'll give you $50,500!

I'll give you 60.

$60,000? You're gonna give...
I'll give you $60,500!

Luther, come on, come on,
there's no way you can outbid me on this cabin.

Oh, just watch me.

I'll go higher,
no matter how high you go.

I'll go higher
than that.

I'll give you
$100,000.

$100,0007?

I'll give you $100...

You know I can't
go that high.

Good!
Okay.

Okay, Hayden, fine!

You don't want me around
anymore, I won't be around.

I won't be your neighbor,
I won't be your friend,

I won't be your assistant
coach, I quit.

Oh, come on, Luther,
you're not going to quit, and you know it.

You can't tell me
I'm not going to quit!

Who do you think you...
I'm quitting!

Now, wait a minute.

Gentlemen, I don't know what's happened
to cause this little spat between you two,

but let me tell you,
20 years ago,

Ethel and I built
this place out of love.

Out of affection.
Out of pine.

And it's always
been a happy place.

I want whatever
couple buys this

to be as happy here
as Ethel and I were.

I thought that was
going to be you two.

But if it's going
to come between you,

I'm not selling it
to either one of you.

Wait a minute,
that's not fair.

Well, isn't your friendship
more important than a cabin?

That's what I've been
trying to tell him.

I mean, this man means more to
me than any man I've ever known.

As a friend.

Well, a friend would
let me buy this cabin.

No, Luther. A friend
would be honest enough

to tell you people got
to have time to themselves.

He has a point.

No two people could have
been closer than Ethel and I.

And yet,
every Tuesday night

she went off
to her sewing club.

And every Thursday night
I went bowling.

It was not
much time apart,

but I think it kept us
from murdering each other.

You hear what he's
saying here, Luth?

Yeah, I hear him,
ll don't think it's the same thing.

I mean, you're not Mr. Newbower
and I'm not Ethel.

Oh, man, I give up.

Hey, Luther, if the place means that much to
you, then buy the cabin.

Really?
Yeah.

I'll sell mine.

What do you mean?

I mean that I got a gut feeling
that if you move in next door to me,

it's going to ruin
our friendship.

I've already lost
one relationship,

I don't want to lose
another one. I'll move.

But you love that cabin.

I think he's saying
he loves you more.

That's what I'm saying.
But not the way he means it.

Hayden, I didn't realize
you felt that strongly.

I care as much about
this friendship as you do.

I wouldn't be happy living
here if you weren't next door.

Does that mean you're not
going to buy the cabin?

I guess not.

Heck, there's 10,000 lakes in Minnesota.
You can have this one.

Now, that's better.

LUTHER: Hey, you know,
I just had another thought.

Why don't you and me go
in town and have lunch?

Great, I'll buy.

That was the thought.

You know, there's a little cafe where
Ethel and I used to go after a tiff.

It's very small,
very quiet,

very romantic.

Newbower,

I'm going to say this
for the last time, okay?

He's a guy,
and I'm a guy.

He loves me
and I love him.

But just because two guys love each
other, that doesn't mean that...

What's the name
of the place?