Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 6 - Hayden and Luther's Excellent Adventure - full transcript
FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.
Hey.
There's a nice article about Christine
in today's student newspaper.
Yeah.
I didn't realize this award
they're giving her
is such a big deal.
Ted Koppel doesn't fly all
the way to Minnesota State
to give you an award
unless it is a big deal.
I guess not.
Who's Ted Koppel?
He's a newscaster.
For who?
I don't know for who.
All'l know, it's a big deal,
they're having this huge awards banquet Sunday evening
at the School of Journalism,
Christine and I are going, and I am dreading it.
So Minnesota State has
a school of journalism?
Hey, guys.
Hey, Dauber.
Listen, Coach, I don't think I'm going to
be making that poker game tonight. Okay?
How come?
It's kind of a domestic situation.
I'd rather not get into it.
Dauber!
Okay.
Judy bought new curtains
for her apartment,
and I promised her
I'd help her hang them.
Curtains?
I know, I know.
You're gonna miss playing poker
with the guys to hang curtains?
It's not like hanging curtains
was my first choice, Coach.
Besides, I promised her.
I can't back out now.
Well, you also promised the
guys you'd play poker with them.
You're backing
out of that, Daub.
I mean, what,
does she own you or something?
Is that a little chain I see
through your nose there, Dauber?
I knew you wouldn't be
supportive of this decision.
But she's my girl, Coach.
Sorry.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh yeah, run on home
to Judy, Dauby!
We don't want Mommy
getting mad at us!
Geez, I hate to see Dauber like this.
He used to be such a guy.
Judy's got him running
around like a toy poodle.
She's got him jumping
through hoops, all right.
Why don't you see if you can't
find somebody else to play poker?
I'll be back in about an hour.
Where are you going?
I got to pick up Christine's
dress for the banquet.
You're
a wimp!
MAN ON T.V.. Good afternoon, everybody,
and welcome to today's NFL telecast.
I'm Edward Cornell
along with Ralph LaGuire.
We're moments away from kick off
here at Soldier Field in Chicago
as the Vikings and the Bears get
ready to resume one of the longest
and bitterest and sometimes
bloodiest rivalries in the NFL.
God, I love this game.
Which of these
do you like better?
I like them both.
Come on, don't just say that.
I really need your help.
Sweetheart, whatever dress you're
wearing you're going to look great.
But I want to look right.
I want whatever I'm wearing to
look smart enough for Ted Koppel
and sexy enough
for you.
Then just go naked
and carry a book.
You're not going to help me
with this, are you?
Come on, Christine,
the Vikings-Bears game starts
in about five minutes and the
banquet's not for eight hours.
I'm not asking you
to give up the game.
I'm asking you to take five
seconds and give me an opinion.
Which dress
do you like the most?
(CLEARS THROAT)
The one on the left.
I think I like
the one on the right.
Sweetheart,
whatever dress you wear,
you're going to regret it
when you get there.
This is true.
Hey, Hayden.
Hey, Luth, come on in.
Game's about to start.
Forget the game.
I've got big news.
I just got a call
from Billy Cardell's coach.
Looks like he's not going
to Notre Dame after all.
You're kidding?
Yeah, I guess his grades
weren't good enough.
Apparently
he's kind of dumb.
Great! Now we've
got a shot at him?
Yeah, but we're not
the only ones.
When this word gets out,
every college coach
in the country's going to be
headed for Fergus Falls, Minnesota.
Not if we get there first.
What is it, about
a two-hour drive?
If we take your car.
If we take mine, it's an overnight trip.
You know, I would give
anything to get Billy Cardell.
Can you imagine the offense we'd have
next season with him at wide receiver,
Bo Whitley at quarterback?
We'd be unstoppable.
I say we go up there today!
What about
Christine's award?
That's not until
8:00 tonight.
It's a two hour trip
up there.
We kiss Billy's butt for a couple of
hours, two hour drive back.
We'll be back here
by 5:00.
It's fine with me,
but do you think it's okay with Christine?
"Okay with Christine?"
Yeah.
Since when do I have to okay
anywhere I go with Christine?
Christine does not call the shots around
here, Luther. I call the shots.
If I say we go,
we just go.
Go where?
Hi, honey.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Want to run something by you, Christine.
Luther had this great idea.
It wasn't my idea.
Oh, shut up, Luther.
(SIGHS)
He just found out
that we have a shot
at getting this great high
school wide receiver, okay?
He lives in this small cow
town right here in Minnesota.
And it's just two hours away
from here and well, you see,
if we don't get him,
somebody else will.
You're not thinking of going
today, are you?
Well, we were knocking that
around, yeah.
Oh, Hayden, not today.
What if you don't
get back in time?
We will.
I promise.
If Christine doesn't feel good about
it, maybe we shouldn't go.
Maybe it's like an omen
or something.
Jeez, Luther,
whose side are you on?
Hayden, look,
I really wish you wouldn't go.
I mean, tonight is
so important to me.
I'm a nervous wreck
as it is.
I don't want to have to be worried
about something happening to you.
You don't have to worry about
anything happening.
I'm perfectly capable of driving up
to Fergus Falls, Minnesota and back
without killing myself.
What if we can't find Fergus Falls?
We've never been there.
Luther, we're not following
the Star of Bethlehem.
Jeez, I can't believe
the two of you.
I just don't want anything
to happen to ruin tonight.
Oh, sweetheart, I swear,
nothing's going to ruin tonight.
What if we have car trouble?
It's a simple little
recruiting trip.
I mean, you guys make it sound like
we're going up the Amazon or something.
You know, Luther, if going to Fergus
Falls is too big an adventure for you,
I'll go by myself.
You can stay here with Christine and
you can pick out an evening gown.
Will you at least call in
from time to time
and let us know
where you are?
You get in the car, Luther,
get in the car!
Right.
Hayden, getting this award is maybe the
biggest thing that's ever happened to me.
I swear, if you do anything
to screw this up...
I know, sweetheart.
I know how big tonight is for you.
But you've got to understand how
important getting Billy Cardell is to me.
I mean, Notre Dame wanted this kid,
and his grades weren't good enough to get in.
Christine, a young man this talented and
this stupid does not come along every day.
I just know you're not
going to get back in time.
I will be back in time.
Come on, I'll be back in five hours.
I'll be back before you
decide what dress to wear.
Come on, give me a hug and a kiss.
Just tell me you trust me.
You better be back
in time.
Okay, when I'm back in time,
you're going to owe me the biggest hug and kiss
in the history of sex.
Please be Hayden.
Oh, nuts.
It's Kelly and Stuart.
Hi guys!
Christine, you look
absolutely radiant.
You really do.
That dress is gorgeous.
Wow!
I hate it,
but thank you.
What's the matter?
It's after 6:00 and I don't
know where your father is.
Dad isn't here?
No, he and Luther
drove up to Fergus Falls
on a recruiting trip and
they haven't come back yet.
I told Hayden
this was going to happen.
Now we're not going to have
time for hors d'oeuvres.
We'll have to just
rush off for the banquet.
Why would he do this on the
most important night of my life?
We're not going to have
hors d'oeuvres?
I spent half the day
making rumaki.
The banquet doesn't start until 8:00.
Why is everybody panicking?
Because your father
is over an hour late.
It would be just like him to
start talking about football
and lose complete
track of time.
Dad wouldn't do that.
He knows how important
this night is to you.
Then what if something
happened to him?
It's freezing.
What if he hit a patch of ice?
He could have skidded off the road.
He could be sitting
in a ditch someplace.
Maybe they're just road weary
and stopped for a cup of tea.
I think the point
Stuart is trying to make
is that there's
nothing to worry about.
Dad is an excellent driver.
He knows Minnesota
like the back of his hand.
I bet he's breezing through
the center of town right now.
(WIND BLOWING)
Where in the hell
are we?
We're on the darkest road I've ever
seen in my life, I'll tell you that.
This is some
great shortcut, Luther.
You're the one that insisted
we take a shortcut.
Well, you're the navigator!
Oh, well, excuse me,
Captain Fox.
You're the one who insisted we come
on this trip in the first place.
Hey, this trip
was 2 great idea.
We got Billy Cardell,
didn't we?
And except for you getting us lost,
I think we've had a very productive day.
(SCOFFS)
What?
(SCOFFS)
I think this whole thing
was a bad idea.
You think
everything's a bad idea.
No, I don't think
everything's a bad idea.
I think if you'd stop
blaming me for everything,
I think
that would be a good idea.
Why don't you just
look at the map
and try to figure out
where the hell we are?
I told Christine
I'd be back an hour ago.
She was right. She said we wouldn't
be back on time and we're not.
Christine is not right.
I'm right.
I told her I'll meet her at the
banquet, and I'll be there.
How we doing on gas?
We're doing fine.
Jeez, Hayden,
we're on empty!
Yeah, sure we're on empty
if you look from your angle.
If you look from here,
we've got almost a quarter of a tank.
Boy, that's all we need
is to run out of gas.
We could freeze
to death out here.
We're not going to run out of gas.
Give me the map.
I can see it now.
We're going to
run out of gas and die.
A snowstorm will come along and cover us
up, no one will ever find us.
Animals will drag our frozen bodies
out into the woods and eat all winter.
Luther, if you don't shut up,
I'm going to shoot you and tie you to the bumper.
I won't say
another word, okay?
Do I see
what I think I see?
Is that a light
way up ahead there?
I don't know. Why don't you
ask someone who's speaking?
Will you just stop
playing games with me?
(MUMBLING) It's not a
light, it's a sign.
What?
It's not a light,
it's a sign.
Oh, well, pardon me.
Can you read
what it says?
It says "old beer."
No, I think
that's “cold beer."
Well, it says "old beer."
Then you're right and I'm wrong.
They're advertising old beer.
Whatever it says, I'm going to go
up there and see if they're open.
Maybe they can tell us
where the heck we are.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Still no answer?
No, but I know
she's there.
If she's got all night,
I've got all night.
I'm going to let it ring
till her ears bleed.
God, I hate being in love.
Thank God you're open!
Hi.
Hi, I'm lost and I'm trying to get
back to Minnesota State University.
Can anybody tell me
if I'm on the right road?
Don't ask me, man.
I went to Yale.
Come on, I'm just asking
for directions here.
Can you tell me where
the nearest gas station is?
All the gas stations
are closed.
All of them?
It's the sabbath.
Have I seen you
somewhere before?
I don't know. Have you ever
been to Rio at carnival time?
Minnesota State's about 40 miles south of here.
Just stay on the main road.
Oh, thank God,
someone with compassion.
His beer is on me.
He's had two.
Luther, what are you
doing in here?
I told you to
stay in the car.
I have to go
to the bathroom.
But somebody's got to stay out
there and keep the engine running!
If it shuts off,
we might not get it started again.
I left it running.
I'm not an idiot.
Guess what,
I got some good news.
We're only 40 miles from home.
We're on the right road.
Oh, good,
I'll go as fast as I can.
I'm going to call Christine,
tell her we're on our way.
All right.
Well, I think I'm going to
call it a night.
Listen, I hope
you get home okay.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, what's the deal?
Are you using that?
Yeah.
I don't hear you talking.
I'm trying to get hold of my girlfriend,
and sometimes she don't answer
for the first couple
hundred rings, you know?
Is this your only phone?
I've got one in my Mercedes,
but it's at home.
Jeez, what's with you people?
All I'm trying to do is just get a little help here.
Listen, are you sure
I can't use the phone?
Because I've got kind of
like...
What you could describe...
It's an emergency, you see.
I'm supposed to be at a
formal dinner tonight at 8:00
because my girlfriend is getting
a very prestigious award.
And so I need to call her and just tell her
I'm going to be a teensy, tiny bit late.
And yet, I don't care.
Well, listen, my friend,
if she doesn't want to talk to you,
she doesn't want to talk to you.
I know what that's like.
So, can I just please
use the phone?
You know, pal, you're really
starting to grind my gears.
I'm not trying to
grind your gears,
I just would like to use the phone.
What's your problem?
You're my problem and I think
I'll just put an end to you.
Come on,
don't threaten me, pal.
That's not a threat, brother.
I'm going to kill you.
Ready to go.
Just a minute, Luth.
I think we got a problem here.
I thought you were in a hurry.
What's the matter?
I may have to
fight this guy.
Oh...
Come on, Leon,
you know you can't fight.
Why can't you fight, Leon?
Didn't your daddy
teach you how?
He killed his daddy.
Should we go now,
Hayden?
Yep, yep.
Jeez, just great.
I need the police!
Problem?
Yeah, I think the nice guy
at the bar stole my car!
Still no answer?
No.
It's 7:30.
What if she already left?
I'd say let it ring.
Yeah, well, what about the cops?
I called them an hour ago.
Luther, for crying out loud,
would you get in here?
You're going to freeze
to death out there!
I'm not coming in
till the police get here!
Well, what the hell
are you doing?
I just don't feel comfortable being
around someone that killed his daddy!
Oh, thank God
you're here.
Somebody lose a car?
Yeah, me, me, me.
I'm the guy that had his car stolen.
The guy at the bar
killed his father.
You lost your car
and your father?
No, he killed
his own father.
And it wasn't today,
it was a long time ago.
Everything's fine.
Don't listen to him,
he doesn't know what he's talking about.
What about my car?
I'm going to need
some information.
Got any coffee, Martha?
Coffee, cappuccino,
café au lait...
Coffee, cappuccino,
café au lait...
Man, can we just
get on with this?
Sure.
Café au lait.
I'm talking about my car!
I need your name.
Hayden Fox.
Wait a minute, I know you.
Coach Hayden Fox?
Yeah.
I'm 2 big fan of yours!
Oh yeah? Boy,
are you guys having a lousy year.
Thanks. Listen,
if you're such a big fan,
could you do me
a really big favor?
I got to get back to
Minnesota State University.
And I know it's a long way, but
see, I'm supposed to be there,
my girlfriend's getting
this award and everything,
I really need to be there.
His girlfriend's Christine
Armstrong, the newscaster.
You're kidding?
Your girlfriend is Christine Armstrong?
I love her!
Yeah, she's great,
isn't she?
And Ted Koppel's
giving her the award.
Who?
Never mind.
What about the ride?
For the head coach of the
Screaming Eagles? You bet.
Glad to get out
of this hellhole.
Before you go,
do you want to be on our mailing list?
Thank God we're out of there.
Thank God we're out of there.
I've never been so happy to be in the
back of a police car in my whole life.
I think
we're going to make it.
We really appreciate
this, Floyd.
For you, Coach,
it's an honor.
I've got to hand it to you, Hayden.
I'll tell you, you were right.
I don't know why
I get so negative.
Things always seem to
work out in the end.
Well, that's what
I was trying to tell you.
This is why you and Christine
were wrong and I was right.
You got to believe things
will work out and they will.
Well, I'm a convert.
WOMAN ON RADIO: - 3-1-22.
A 415 fight at 635 Beaver Road.
6-3-5 Beaver Road.
Ten-four.
Sorry, guys.
What do you mean, "sorry"?
Where are we going?
Back to Martha's roadhouse.
There's a fight.
LUTHER: I knew it wouldn't work out!
I knew it wouldn't work out!
Hey, come on, you guys.
It was just a dart game, all right.
(GRUNTING)
Hey, knock it off.
Break it up,
will you?
Come on, you guys,
break it up, come on.
You stay out of this.
Shut up, you greaseball.
Leon, everybody knows you can't fight.
I said, stay out of it.
Leave him alone!
You can just relax, pal.
I can't relax,
you're squeezing my heart.
(CRACKING)
Oh, God. I hope
that was your comb.
I can't breathe.
I think you broke my ribs.
Hey, I wasn't fighting, Floyd.
I was just trying to break it up, man.
You all right,
Hayden?
Not all right. Seriously injured.
Not all right.
Don't move.
I'll call an ambulance.
I know you're probably tired
of hearing me say this, Hayden
but I don't think
this trip was a good idea.
Where am 1?
You're in an ambulance.
You have three broken ribs,
and we're taking you to the hospital.
You're fine.
The banquet.
I've got to get
to the banquet.
Forget the banquet.
I can't!
I can't miss
Christine's award!
This is the most important
night of her life.
Come on, just tape me up and
put a tux on me. I'll be fine.
Hayden, I really don't think
that's a very good idea.
You don't think
anything's a good idea.
You didn't think the trip
was a good idea.
Except for the stolen car
and the broken ribs,
I think we've made
very good use of our time.
Now come on, Luth,
let me go to the banquet.
Okay, okay. We'll take you to the banquet.
Let me go to the banquet.
Okay. We'll take you to the banquet.
Banquet.
(CHATTERING)
Oh God.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
What?
Your father's here.
Dad!
Hi, Stu.
We were scared to death.
Hi Kelly.
Is something wrong?
Oh, no. That cummerbund's tight.
Oh, man.
Where have
you been?
Well, a little
recruiting trip. Yeah.
Hit some traffic.
Sciatica's acting up.
Did Christine
get her award yet?
Not yet.
Then I kept my promise.
Hayden!
(SCREAMS IN PAIN)
Good to see you,
sweetheart.
What in the world happened to you?
I was out of my mind.
Why? I'm here.
Everything's fine.
Beautiful dress,
by the way.
If ll wasn't so relieved
to see you, I'd Kill you.
I was picturing you and Luther in a
ditch someplace, broken and maimed.
Broken and maimed?
(LAUGHING)
(MOANING)
Christine,
don't make me laugh here.
See, that's the difference
between you and me, honey.
You always
imagine the worst,
and I always know things are
going to work out for the best.
See? I'm here, I'm fine.
Everything's okay.
Admit it.
That recruiting trip was the
right thing to do, wasn't it?
I don't care
about right or wrong.
I'm just glad that you're
here and in one piece.
Let me give you
that huge hug.
Uh-oh.
Oh, God.
filmed before a studio audience.
Hey.
There's a nice article about Christine
in today's student newspaper.
Yeah.
I didn't realize this award
they're giving her
is such a big deal.
Ted Koppel doesn't fly all
the way to Minnesota State
to give you an award
unless it is a big deal.
I guess not.
Who's Ted Koppel?
He's a newscaster.
For who?
I don't know for who.
All'l know, it's a big deal,
they're having this huge awards banquet Sunday evening
at the School of Journalism,
Christine and I are going, and I am dreading it.
So Minnesota State has
a school of journalism?
Hey, guys.
Hey, Dauber.
Listen, Coach, I don't think I'm going to
be making that poker game tonight. Okay?
How come?
It's kind of a domestic situation.
I'd rather not get into it.
Dauber!
Okay.
Judy bought new curtains
for her apartment,
and I promised her
I'd help her hang them.
Curtains?
I know, I know.
You're gonna miss playing poker
with the guys to hang curtains?
It's not like hanging curtains
was my first choice, Coach.
Besides, I promised her.
I can't back out now.
Well, you also promised the
guys you'd play poker with them.
You're backing
out of that, Daub.
I mean, what,
does she own you or something?
Is that a little chain I see
through your nose there, Dauber?
I knew you wouldn't be
supportive of this decision.
But she's my girl, Coach.
Sorry.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh yeah, run on home
to Judy, Dauby!
We don't want Mommy
getting mad at us!
Geez, I hate to see Dauber like this.
He used to be such a guy.
Judy's got him running
around like a toy poodle.
She's got him jumping
through hoops, all right.
Why don't you see if you can't
find somebody else to play poker?
I'll be back in about an hour.
Where are you going?
I got to pick up Christine's
dress for the banquet.
You're
a wimp!
MAN ON T.V.. Good afternoon, everybody,
and welcome to today's NFL telecast.
I'm Edward Cornell
along with Ralph LaGuire.
We're moments away from kick off
here at Soldier Field in Chicago
as the Vikings and the Bears get
ready to resume one of the longest
and bitterest and sometimes
bloodiest rivalries in the NFL.
God, I love this game.
Which of these
do you like better?
I like them both.
Come on, don't just say that.
I really need your help.
Sweetheart, whatever dress you're
wearing you're going to look great.
But I want to look right.
I want whatever I'm wearing to
look smart enough for Ted Koppel
and sexy enough
for you.
Then just go naked
and carry a book.
You're not going to help me
with this, are you?
Come on, Christine,
the Vikings-Bears game starts
in about five minutes and the
banquet's not for eight hours.
I'm not asking you
to give up the game.
I'm asking you to take five
seconds and give me an opinion.
Which dress
do you like the most?
(CLEARS THROAT)
The one on the left.
I think I like
the one on the right.
Sweetheart,
whatever dress you wear,
you're going to regret it
when you get there.
This is true.
Hey, Hayden.
Hey, Luth, come on in.
Game's about to start.
Forget the game.
I've got big news.
I just got a call
from Billy Cardell's coach.
Looks like he's not going
to Notre Dame after all.
You're kidding?
Yeah, I guess his grades
weren't good enough.
Apparently
he's kind of dumb.
Great! Now we've
got a shot at him?
Yeah, but we're not
the only ones.
When this word gets out,
every college coach
in the country's going to be
headed for Fergus Falls, Minnesota.
Not if we get there first.
What is it, about
a two-hour drive?
If we take your car.
If we take mine, it's an overnight trip.
You know, I would give
anything to get Billy Cardell.
Can you imagine the offense we'd have
next season with him at wide receiver,
Bo Whitley at quarterback?
We'd be unstoppable.
I say we go up there today!
What about
Christine's award?
That's not until
8:00 tonight.
It's a two hour trip
up there.
We kiss Billy's butt for a couple of
hours, two hour drive back.
We'll be back here
by 5:00.
It's fine with me,
but do you think it's okay with Christine?
"Okay with Christine?"
Yeah.
Since when do I have to okay
anywhere I go with Christine?
Christine does not call the shots around
here, Luther. I call the shots.
If I say we go,
we just go.
Go where?
Hi, honey.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Want to run something by you, Christine.
Luther had this great idea.
It wasn't my idea.
Oh, shut up, Luther.
(SIGHS)
He just found out
that we have a shot
at getting this great high
school wide receiver, okay?
He lives in this small cow
town right here in Minnesota.
And it's just two hours away
from here and well, you see,
if we don't get him,
somebody else will.
You're not thinking of going
today, are you?
Well, we were knocking that
around, yeah.
Oh, Hayden, not today.
What if you don't
get back in time?
We will.
I promise.
If Christine doesn't feel good about
it, maybe we shouldn't go.
Maybe it's like an omen
or something.
Jeez, Luther,
whose side are you on?
Hayden, look,
I really wish you wouldn't go.
I mean, tonight is
so important to me.
I'm a nervous wreck
as it is.
I don't want to have to be worried
about something happening to you.
You don't have to worry about
anything happening.
I'm perfectly capable of driving up
to Fergus Falls, Minnesota and back
without killing myself.
What if we can't find Fergus Falls?
We've never been there.
Luther, we're not following
the Star of Bethlehem.
Jeez, I can't believe
the two of you.
I just don't want anything
to happen to ruin tonight.
Oh, sweetheart, I swear,
nothing's going to ruin tonight.
What if we have car trouble?
It's a simple little
recruiting trip.
I mean, you guys make it sound like
we're going up the Amazon or something.
You know, Luther, if going to Fergus
Falls is too big an adventure for you,
I'll go by myself.
You can stay here with Christine and
you can pick out an evening gown.
Will you at least call in
from time to time
and let us know
where you are?
You get in the car, Luther,
get in the car!
Right.
Hayden, getting this award is maybe the
biggest thing that's ever happened to me.
I swear, if you do anything
to screw this up...
I know, sweetheart.
I know how big tonight is for you.
But you've got to understand how
important getting Billy Cardell is to me.
I mean, Notre Dame wanted this kid,
and his grades weren't good enough to get in.
Christine, a young man this talented and
this stupid does not come along every day.
I just know you're not
going to get back in time.
I will be back in time.
Come on, I'll be back in five hours.
I'll be back before you
decide what dress to wear.
Come on, give me a hug and a kiss.
Just tell me you trust me.
You better be back
in time.
Okay, when I'm back in time,
you're going to owe me the biggest hug and kiss
in the history of sex.
Please be Hayden.
Oh, nuts.
It's Kelly and Stuart.
Hi guys!
Christine, you look
absolutely radiant.
You really do.
That dress is gorgeous.
Wow!
I hate it,
but thank you.
What's the matter?
It's after 6:00 and I don't
know where your father is.
Dad isn't here?
No, he and Luther
drove up to Fergus Falls
on a recruiting trip and
they haven't come back yet.
I told Hayden
this was going to happen.
Now we're not going to have
time for hors d'oeuvres.
We'll have to just
rush off for the banquet.
Why would he do this on the
most important night of my life?
We're not going to have
hors d'oeuvres?
I spent half the day
making rumaki.
The banquet doesn't start until 8:00.
Why is everybody panicking?
Because your father
is over an hour late.
It would be just like him to
start talking about football
and lose complete
track of time.
Dad wouldn't do that.
He knows how important
this night is to you.
Then what if something
happened to him?
It's freezing.
What if he hit a patch of ice?
He could have skidded off the road.
He could be sitting
in a ditch someplace.
Maybe they're just road weary
and stopped for a cup of tea.
I think the point
Stuart is trying to make
is that there's
nothing to worry about.
Dad is an excellent driver.
He knows Minnesota
like the back of his hand.
I bet he's breezing through
the center of town right now.
(WIND BLOWING)
Where in the hell
are we?
We're on the darkest road I've ever
seen in my life, I'll tell you that.
This is some
great shortcut, Luther.
You're the one that insisted
we take a shortcut.
Well, you're the navigator!
Oh, well, excuse me,
Captain Fox.
You're the one who insisted we come
on this trip in the first place.
Hey, this trip
was 2 great idea.
We got Billy Cardell,
didn't we?
And except for you getting us lost,
I think we've had a very productive day.
(SCOFFS)
What?
(SCOFFS)
I think this whole thing
was a bad idea.
You think
everything's a bad idea.
No, I don't think
everything's a bad idea.
I think if you'd stop
blaming me for everything,
I think
that would be a good idea.
Why don't you just
look at the map
and try to figure out
where the hell we are?
I told Christine
I'd be back an hour ago.
She was right. She said we wouldn't
be back on time and we're not.
Christine is not right.
I'm right.
I told her I'll meet her at the
banquet, and I'll be there.
How we doing on gas?
We're doing fine.
Jeez, Hayden,
we're on empty!
Yeah, sure we're on empty
if you look from your angle.
If you look from here,
we've got almost a quarter of a tank.
Boy, that's all we need
is to run out of gas.
We could freeze
to death out here.
We're not going to run out of gas.
Give me the map.
I can see it now.
We're going to
run out of gas and die.
A snowstorm will come along and cover us
up, no one will ever find us.
Animals will drag our frozen bodies
out into the woods and eat all winter.
Luther, if you don't shut up,
I'm going to shoot you and tie you to the bumper.
I won't say
another word, okay?
Do I see
what I think I see?
Is that a light
way up ahead there?
I don't know. Why don't you
ask someone who's speaking?
Will you just stop
playing games with me?
(MUMBLING) It's not a
light, it's a sign.
What?
It's not a light,
it's a sign.
Oh, well, pardon me.
Can you read
what it says?
It says "old beer."
No, I think
that's “cold beer."
Well, it says "old beer."
Then you're right and I'm wrong.
They're advertising old beer.
Whatever it says, I'm going to go
up there and see if they're open.
Maybe they can tell us
where the heck we are.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Still no answer?
No, but I know
she's there.
If she's got all night,
I've got all night.
I'm going to let it ring
till her ears bleed.
God, I hate being in love.
Thank God you're open!
Hi.
Hi, I'm lost and I'm trying to get
back to Minnesota State University.
Can anybody tell me
if I'm on the right road?
Don't ask me, man.
I went to Yale.
Come on, I'm just asking
for directions here.
Can you tell me where
the nearest gas station is?
All the gas stations
are closed.
All of them?
It's the sabbath.
Have I seen you
somewhere before?
I don't know. Have you ever
been to Rio at carnival time?
Minnesota State's about 40 miles south of here.
Just stay on the main road.
Oh, thank God,
someone with compassion.
His beer is on me.
He's had two.
Luther, what are you
doing in here?
I told you to
stay in the car.
I have to go
to the bathroom.
But somebody's got to stay out
there and keep the engine running!
If it shuts off,
we might not get it started again.
I left it running.
I'm not an idiot.
Guess what,
I got some good news.
We're only 40 miles from home.
We're on the right road.
Oh, good,
I'll go as fast as I can.
I'm going to call Christine,
tell her we're on our way.
All right.
Well, I think I'm going to
call it a night.
Listen, I hope
you get home okay.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, what's the deal?
Are you using that?
Yeah.
I don't hear you talking.
I'm trying to get hold of my girlfriend,
and sometimes she don't answer
for the first couple
hundred rings, you know?
Is this your only phone?
I've got one in my Mercedes,
but it's at home.
Jeez, what's with you people?
All I'm trying to do is just get a little help here.
Listen, are you sure
I can't use the phone?
Because I've got kind of
like...
What you could describe...
It's an emergency, you see.
I'm supposed to be at a
formal dinner tonight at 8:00
because my girlfriend is getting
a very prestigious award.
And so I need to call her and just tell her
I'm going to be a teensy, tiny bit late.
And yet, I don't care.
Well, listen, my friend,
if she doesn't want to talk to you,
she doesn't want to talk to you.
I know what that's like.
So, can I just please
use the phone?
You know, pal, you're really
starting to grind my gears.
I'm not trying to
grind your gears,
I just would like to use the phone.
What's your problem?
You're my problem and I think
I'll just put an end to you.
Come on,
don't threaten me, pal.
That's not a threat, brother.
I'm going to kill you.
Ready to go.
Just a minute, Luth.
I think we got a problem here.
I thought you were in a hurry.
What's the matter?
I may have to
fight this guy.
Oh...
Come on, Leon,
you know you can't fight.
Why can't you fight, Leon?
Didn't your daddy
teach you how?
He killed his daddy.
Should we go now,
Hayden?
Yep, yep.
Jeez, just great.
I need the police!
Problem?
Yeah, I think the nice guy
at the bar stole my car!
Still no answer?
No.
It's 7:30.
What if she already left?
I'd say let it ring.
Yeah, well, what about the cops?
I called them an hour ago.
Luther, for crying out loud,
would you get in here?
You're going to freeze
to death out there!
I'm not coming in
till the police get here!
Well, what the hell
are you doing?
I just don't feel comfortable being
around someone that killed his daddy!
Oh, thank God
you're here.
Somebody lose a car?
Yeah, me, me, me.
I'm the guy that had his car stolen.
The guy at the bar
killed his father.
You lost your car
and your father?
No, he killed
his own father.
And it wasn't today,
it was a long time ago.
Everything's fine.
Don't listen to him,
he doesn't know what he's talking about.
What about my car?
I'm going to need
some information.
Got any coffee, Martha?
Coffee, cappuccino,
café au lait...
Coffee, cappuccino,
café au lait...
Man, can we just
get on with this?
Sure.
Café au lait.
I'm talking about my car!
I need your name.
Hayden Fox.
Wait a minute, I know you.
Coach Hayden Fox?
Yeah.
I'm 2 big fan of yours!
Oh yeah? Boy,
are you guys having a lousy year.
Thanks. Listen,
if you're such a big fan,
could you do me
a really big favor?
I got to get back to
Minnesota State University.
And I know it's a long way, but
see, I'm supposed to be there,
my girlfriend's getting
this award and everything,
I really need to be there.
His girlfriend's Christine
Armstrong, the newscaster.
You're kidding?
Your girlfriend is Christine Armstrong?
I love her!
Yeah, she's great,
isn't she?
And Ted Koppel's
giving her the award.
Who?
Never mind.
What about the ride?
For the head coach of the
Screaming Eagles? You bet.
Glad to get out
of this hellhole.
Before you go,
do you want to be on our mailing list?
Thank God we're out of there.
Thank God we're out of there.
I've never been so happy to be in the
back of a police car in my whole life.
I think
we're going to make it.
We really appreciate
this, Floyd.
For you, Coach,
it's an honor.
I've got to hand it to you, Hayden.
I'll tell you, you were right.
I don't know why
I get so negative.
Things always seem to
work out in the end.
Well, that's what
I was trying to tell you.
This is why you and Christine
were wrong and I was right.
You got to believe things
will work out and they will.
Well, I'm a convert.
WOMAN ON RADIO: - 3-1-22.
A 415 fight at 635 Beaver Road.
6-3-5 Beaver Road.
Ten-four.
Sorry, guys.
What do you mean, "sorry"?
Where are we going?
Back to Martha's roadhouse.
There's a fight.
LUTHER: I knew it wouldn't work out!
I knew it wouldn't work out!
Hey, come on, you guys.
It was just a dart game, all right.
(GRUNTING)
Hey, knock it off.
Break it up,
will you?
Come on, you guys,
break it up, come on.
You stay out of this.
Shut up, you greaseball.
Leon, everybody knows you can't fight.
I said, stay out of it.
Leave him alone!
You can just relax, pal.
I can't relax,
you're squeezing my heart.
(CRACKING)
Oh, God. I hope
that was your comb.
I can't breathe.
I think you broke my ribs.
Hey, I wasn't fighting, Floyd.
I was just trying to break it up, man.
You all right,
Hayden?
Not all right. Seriously injured.
Not all right.
Don't move.
I'll call an ambulance.
I know you're probably tired
of hearing me say this, Hayden
but I don't think
this trip was a good idea.
Where am 1?
You're in an ambulance.
You have three broken ribs,
and we're taking you to the hospital.
You're fine.
The banquet.
I've got to get
to the banquet.
Forget the banquet.
I can't!
I can't miss
Christine's award!
This is the most important
night of her life.
Come on, just tape me up and
put a tux on me. I'll be fine.
Hayden, I really don't think
that's a very good idea.
You don't think
anything's a good idea.
You didn't think the trip
was a good idea.
Except for the stolen car
and the broken ribs,
I think we've made
very good use of our time.
Now come on, Luth,
let me go to the banquet.
Okay, okay. We'll take you to the banquet.
Let me go to the banquet.
Okay. We'll take you to the banquet.
Banquet.
(CHATTERING)
Oh God.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
What?
Your father's here.
Dad!
Hi, Stu.
We were scared to death.
Hi Kelly.
Is something wrong?
Oh, no. That cummerbund's tight.
Oh, man.
Where have
you been?
Well, a little
recruiting trip. Yeah.
Hit some traffic.
Sciatica's acting up.
Did Christine
get her award yet?
Not yet.
Then I kept my promise.
Hayden!
(SCREAMS IN PAIN)
Good to see you,
sweetheart.
What in the world happened to you?
I was out of my mind.
Why? I'm here.
Everything's fine.
Beautiful dress,
by the way.
If ll wasn't so relieved
to see you, I'd Kill you.
I was picturing you and Luther in a
ditch someplace, broken and maimed.
Broken and maimed?
(LAUGHING)
(MOANING)
Christine,
don't make me laugh here.
See, that's the difference
between you and me, honey.
You always
imagine the worst,
and I always know things are
going to work out for the best.
See? I'm here, I'm fine.
Everything's okay.
Admit it.
That recruiting trip was the
right thing to do, wasn't it?
I don't care
about right or wrong.
I'm just glad that you're
here and in one piece.
Let me give you
that huge hug.
Uh-oh.
Oh, God.