Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Day That Moses Came to Town - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Boy, have I got news.

You'll never guess who
they're thinking of hiring

for the new men's
basketball coach.

Who?
Rick Barry!

Rick Barry?
Rick Barry!

He's one of the greatest
basketball players of all time!

I'm telling you.
Isn't that great? Wow!

We're getting Rick Barry.

We're not getting Rick Barry.

I heard they're going
to offer it to him.



Luther, they can offer it
to anybody they want.

Rick Barry is a legend.

Besides, he's got this great
career as 3 sportscaster.

He's not going to give up all that to come
to some cow college like Minnesota State.

Rick Barry
would be so great!

Daub, you think
that would be great?

People would forget
about football

and throw all their support
to basketball.

They'd probably build
a new arena for Rick Barry.

They'd probably name it
the Rick Barry Arena.

Great? It'd be the worst thing
that ever happened to us.

Then maybe "great" was
something of an overstatement.

Fortunately, the administration's
living in a dream world now,

'cause Rick Barry is probably
in a private jet somewhere



hobnobbing with network execs.

The last place he's going to
show up is Minnesota State.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, my God!

Excuse me. I'm looking for Howard
Burleigh, the Athletic Director.

Yeah, I'm Howard Burleigh.

You're Howard Burleigh?
Yeah.

Hi. I'm Rick Barry.

Yeah. I recognized you.

Listen, Ricardo...

I'm sorry to drag you
out here for nothing,

but me and the guys were talking
and we just don't want you.

Sorry to jerk you around
like that, babe.

I hope there's no
hard feelings, huh?

Watch your head there.

Close. That was close.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, Dad.
You got a minute?

Sure, sweetheart.

I brought you
a cup of coffee.

Why?

Because I love you.

And I love you,
and I love coffee.

And I love
getting to the point,

so why don't you tell me
what you need, Kelly?

Let me just start off by saying
going to college is very expensive.

Yeah, I know,
I'm paying for it.

Oh, I know you are.
You are being very generous, Dad.

But Stuart and I are running a
little short again this month,

and rather than ask
you for more money,

I was hoping maybe you could
help me get a part-time job.

Unless you want to
give us more money.

Kelly, honey, when is
this going to stop?

What do you mean?

Sweetheart, you're
a bright, resourceful,

partially-educated
young woman.

Now, if you want to get a job,
just go get one on your own.

You don't need me.

But I just thought...
Yeah, I know what you thought.

I'd pick up the phone and use
all my power and influence

to get you a job,
and you wouldn't have to do anything.

What, so you're
not gonna help me?

I am helping you.

I'm helping you feel
good about yourself.

Oh, please.

No, come on,
I want you to go out there

and fill out
a job application

just like anybody else
has to do,

and when you get the job,

you're going to feel a greater sense of
satisfaction because you did it on your own.

Hayden, Howard Burleigh...
Hi, Kelly, how you doing?

I have to go begging
for a job in the street,

but other than that,
I'm fine.

Well, good luck.

Howard Burleigh is on his way down
here and he is really steamed.

What about?
He's mad because

you told Rick Barry
you were Howard.

Hayden, you and I are going
to have it out right now.

Gee, Howie, what are you
so irritable about?

Trousers riding up?

You're not joking your way
out of this one, Hayden.

You may think you can get away with this with
me, but not with Dr. Tewksbury.

She's on her way down.

The president of the
university is coming down here?

Luther!

I don't want to meet
Elaine Tewksbury!

I've never met a university president in my
entire career, and I've never been fired.

Somehow I think
the two are connected.

Coach, I thought I should warn you,
Dr. Tewksbury is... Faster than I thought.

Hello, Hayden.
Hello, Elaine, what a pleasant surprise.

Well, thank you.
What a quick lie.

Thank you.

I'm Elaine Tewksbury.

Yeah, this is one of my
assistants, Michael Dybinski.

It's an honor
to meet you, ma'am.

May I say that in the eight
years I've been a student here,

nobody has done a better job
as president than you.

You've been a student here
for eight years?

Are you in
the graduate program?

No, ma'am. I'm just in the regular
program, trying to graduate.

Yeah, Daub, why don't you
wait for me in the team room?

Thank you. I mean, okay.

So, this is your office.

(CHUCKLES)

Somehow I was expecting
something grander.

I've told you before,
I live in a crummy hole in the wall.

Yes, I know,
you're always saying that.

I'm just glad to find out
it's actually true.

(LAUGHING)

Hayden, I'll come
right to the point.

You passed yourself off
as the Athletic Director.

You know,
I could fire you for that.

Oh, come on.
She could, Hayden.

Well, Howard here passes himself
off as the Athletic Director.

Why don't you fire him?

For now, I'm not going
to fire anyone.

Quite the contrary, Hayden,
I need your help.

We are very close to signing a
contract with Terrence Moses.

You're kidding.

I may be able
to sign him today.

Terrence Moses is one of the best
basketball coaches in the country.

How did High Pants here
ever land him?

Since when do we care
about basketball?

This has always been
a football school.

Yes, and while we're ecstatic about that
one victory in our first five games,

we still feel that a top-notch
basketball program would...

Well, be a tremendous
source of...

What's the word I'm
looking for, Howard?

I think the word you're
looking for is revenge.

You're doing this
to get back at me.

You just can't forget
about Miami, can you?

We spent one weekend
together six years ago,

and you just won't let it go.

My God, you two spent
a weekend together?

Oh, come on, Howard.
You knew that.

I didn't know
if she knew I knew it.

Elaine, look, I know sneaking
out on you was wrong, okay?

I apologize for it.
Just let it go, Elaine.

My God, I can't believe
you're still holding a grudge.

It is not a grudge.

This woman is one of the most respected
educators in our entire country.

She would never think of
spending hundreds of thousands,

maybe millions, of dollars of the
university's money just to get revenge on you.

That's insane.

But, to a large
extent, true.

See that? She admits it!
It is a grudge!

Hell, it's more
than a grudge!

Elaine, it was six years ago.
Are you that crazy or...

Was I that good?

Don't flatter yourself.

I'm that crazy.

But I also have
a job to do,

and my number one goal is to make
the basketball program first-rate.

And if in so doing

your importance is diminished or
your life becomes more miserable,

well, that's just
icing on the cake.

To that end,
I want you to go home,

shave real close,
and put on your best coat and tie.

Terrence Moses
wants to meet you.

What for?

Because before he signs
his contracts,

he wants to hear about Minnesota
State from the coach's perspective.

So you're going to go to lunch with
him at The Touchdown Club at 12:30.

And at that lunch,
you are going to convince him to come here.

To make sure that you do
a really good job,

Howard's going to
be there with you.

Not yet, Howard.

Oh.

And if I don't hear that you were
absolutely charming and persuasive,

I'll have your boney little
butt in a sling.

Have a nice lunch, gentlemen.

Table for one?

Kelly.
Surprise.

You're working here?

I did what you said.

And you know what?

I do feel better about
myself for not using you.

I just came in here
and said,

"Nick, I want you to
forget you know me.

"I want you to forget
I'm the coach's daughter.

"I want you to forget my
dad owns 5% of this place.

"I just want to know,
do you need me as a waitress or not?"

And he said yes!

Oh, Kelly, that's great!

My little girl's
finally leaving the nest.

Oh, I've got lunch here.

Gotta go.
See you later.

Hayden, it gives me
great pleasure

to introduce you
to Terrence Moses.

Is that why your leg
is shaking, Howie?

How you doing, Hayden?

Pleasure to meet you,
Terrence.

Thanks for taking time out of
your schedule to meet with me.

This looks like
a nice place.

Hey, thanks. Yeah,
I'm part owner here.

Looks like I'll be giving you
a lot of business.

I'm having dinner here tonight
with Dr. Tewksbury.

Always a fun evening.
Oh, yeah.

Well, shall we have a seat?
Oh, sure.

Howard, what's the problem?
You look a little jittery.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I just have to go to
the bathroom, that's all.

Why don't you go?

Because I'm under orders from Dr. Tewksbury
not to leave you alone with Terrence.

So just sit down
and be charming.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Kelly, honey.
Can we have three waters over here, honey?

Just a lot of water.

Thank you, Hayden.

So, Hayden, I understand you've
been at Minnesota State eight years?

Yeah.

You generally find the alumni
to be supportive?

Oh, the alumni are wonderful.

Yeah, I'd give an organ
to any one of them.

Here we go,
three waters.

Thank you, sweetheart.
Hey, how about that?

Fresh spring water from 10,000
Minnesota lakes, huh?

Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Cheers, Howie.

Are you all right, Howard?

You seem a little jumpy.
I'm fine.

He has to go to the bathroom,
but he won't go.

Why don't you go
to the bathroom?

He has to have permission from
the president of the university.

He's joking.

I don't have to have permission
to go to the bathroom.

I can go whenever I want.

All the coaches can.

Well, then go, Howard.

Would you excuse us for just
one more second, Terrence?

Thank you for embarrassing me
in front of Terrence Moses.

Howard, you are acting
like a four-year-old.

Now just go
to the damn bathroom.

All right, 1 will go,
but you're going with me.

I am not going to go to the
bathroom with you, Howard!

Well, thank you again!

All right, I'll go to
the bathroom by myself.

But I warn you,

if you do anything to
jeopardize these negotiations,

1 will tattle on you so fast,
it'll make your head spin.

Okay.

Now, we haven't
got much time.

So what's the deal?
What do you mean?

Why is one of the hottest
basketball coaches in the country

thinking about coming
to Backwater U?

Well, first of all, thank you for considering
me one of the top coaches in the country.

The fact is, Minnesota State
has made me a generous offer.

Oh, come on.
Cut the crap.

You know what
I'm talking about.

You come from a great area, great
school, great program with a huge budget.

Any way you slice it, it doesn't make
any sense at all for you to leave Boston.

You're pretty sharp, Hayden.

Can I be honest with you?

You be honest with me, and I'll keep
that in mind when I'm talking to you.

The truth is, I've been in a
pretty intense relationship with

a woman for
the past five years,

and she just left me.

So I thought the further away
from Boston I got, the better.

Wait a minute.

The only reason you're
thinking of taking a job here

is because your girl
broke up with you?

There's no chance the two of
you can get back together?

Believe me, I wish there was.

I can't even get her
to talk to me.

What about if somebody
talked to her for you?

Susan, she's
pretty headstrong.

She won't have anything to do
with anybody who even knows me.

Sounds like a great gal.

What did you say
her last name was?

1 didn't, but it's Birch.

Just out of curiosity,
what does Sue do?

She's a psychologist
in Cambridge.

I see.
Yeah.

Where exactly is Cambridge?

It's just on the other side
of the river.

Huh.
Right.

What river is that?

The Charles.
Oh, yeah, the Charles, of course.

Man, I got to tell you
something, Terry,

this whole thing
makes me sick.

I can't stand it when two people
who ought to be together in love,

they just end up in Minnesota.

You haven't told them that you're
going to take the job, have you?

No, I told them I'd let
them know tomorrow at noon.

I've got to go, Terry.
You're leaving?

Yeah, I've got a recruiting
trip I've got to go on.

I didn't realize...

Yeah. Anyway,
when Howard comes back

tell him I told you everything
about Minnesota was great.

And whatever you do,
don't make that decision until noon tomorrow.

I'll see you around.

Dad, where you going?

Boston.

I've always been kind of nervous
about going to a therapist.

I don't know, I thought I'd find
a room full of crazy people.

(CHUCKLING)

I guess I just need
to talk to somebody.

I've been having this
incredibly sad feeling.

About what?

I just feel abandoned.

(BUZZER BUZZING)

What's that?

That's supposed to let me know
that my next appointment is here.

I only get 10 minutes?

No, you get a full hour.

I'm sure it's a mistake.
Just go on.

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

I'm sorry.
Why don't we just ignore it?

I'm sure whoever it is
will just go away.

SUSAN: You were saying?

Hey, is this thing
working or what?

It's working just fine.

What do you want?
I'm in with a patient.

Yeah, how long
you gonna be?

Carl, would you just
give me a minute?

You're leaving?

Sue Birch?
Yes.

Who the hell are you?

Okay, well, you don't know me.
My name is Hayden Fox.

I'm head football coach
at Minnesota State University.

I don't know, maybe
you have heard of me.

Okay, anyway, I'm here on
kind of an emergency.

Well, it'll just have to wait
because I'm in with a patient.

No, no. It can't wait.
See, I'm trying to prevent a suicide.

A suicide? Oh, my God! Mmm-hmm.

Who's committing suicide?

Terrence Moses.

Terrence?
Where is he?

In Minnesota.
Come on, let's go.

Wait. He's committing suicide
in Minnesota?

Yeah!
Wait a minute.

Terrence is in Minnesota,
and he said he was going to commit suicide?

Well, he didn't exactly use the
words, "I'm going to commit suicide."

What words did he use?

Oh, come on.
Listen, he's thinking about taking the head job

as basketball coach
at Minnesota State University,

which, if you know anything about
coaching, is like suicide.

Well, if Terrence wants to take a job in
Minnesota, that's his business.

Well, no! Wait a minute!
You can't go back in there.

If you do that, you're making
the biggest mistake of your life.

'Cause I got to
tell you something.

Terrence...

He's nuts about you, Sue.

No, he is nuts
about his career.

Look, I don't know
what he told you,

but I was with the man
for five years,

and the only thing he really
cares about is getting to the top.

He cannot be happy unless
his career's going well,

and if it's not,
he's a maniac.

So, until he gets some
perspective in his life,

I don't see where there's a
framework to build a relationship.

Hey! Wait!

Would you just
listen to reason?

Give us a second here,
will you, Carl?

Listen, you don't have to tell me about
people who are obsessed with their careers.

I go with someone
who's exactly the same way.

But Terrence
is a changed man.

I mean, would a man who's
obsessed with his career

leave a fantastic
high-paying job in Boston

to go to the backwoods of
Minnesota and coach at a school

that isn't even on the map?

I mean, in basketball.

You may have a point.

Well, of course
I have a point!

Do I look like the kind of guy that
would fly all the way to Boston

if I didn't have a point?

Now, come on,
I got two tickets back to Minnesota

and I just pray you'll
get on the plane with me,

go back and talk to Terrence,
because if you don't,

he's going to sign
a contract at noon tomorrow.

And if he does that,
there's no chance

the two of you are ever
gonna get back together.

Just give me a second.
My head is spinning.

All right.

The flight leaves in 45 minutes.
Spin quick.

Look, I've got
a practice here.

I can't just fly to Minnesota
at a moment's notice.

Hey, I had a practice at 3:30
and I missed that!

Now, look, do you
love the guy or not?

Well, I told myself
1 didn't, but...

No, let's not analyze
this thing to death, Sue.

Obviously you care about the guy.
Now, come on.

I've got a cab downstairs with
the meter running. Let's go.

This is crazy, but okay.

Great!

Dr. Birch?

Dr. Birch?

We'll spare no expense to make this the
top basketball program in the country.

We've already hired an architect
to draw plans for the new arena.

We're even willing to call it
The Terrence Moses Arena.

Well, that's very flattering.

We'll even paint your face
in the middle of the court.

We can put that
stupid eagle anywhere.

I must say,
this sounds very inviting.

When people think
of Minnesota State,

I want them to think of
one name and one sport only.

And that's Terrence Moses
and basketball.

Howard, show him the preliminary
sketches of the new arena.

I have them right here.

Yeah, okay.
There he is. Go on.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

You love him,
he loves you.

There's nothing
to be nervous about.

Just remember one thing.
Just keep my name out of it, okay?

Just go right on over there.

If you need some moral support,
I'll be in the coat room.

Okay, go on. Go on.

My God, Susan!

Hello, Terrence.

What are you doing here?

It's crazy, I know.

I'm sorry, this is...

Somebody I thought
I'd never see again.

Susan Birch, this is Elaine
Tewksbury and Howard Burleigh.

How do you do.
Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I just heard you were
about to make a deal here

and I had to talk to you
one more time before you did.

I don't care what university you're from
or what you're offering him, we'll top it.

She's not from a university.
She's my girlfriend.

Or was...

You're not here to talk him
into coming back, I hope.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry, could you
give us a minute, please?

Oh, certainly.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Howard.

Just remember, there are
lots of women in Minnesota

and we're not that far
from the Wisconsin border.

I don't like
the look of this, Howard.

I don't understand how she
even found out we were here.

I---

Hayden!

Hayden, you come
out of there this minute.

Hayden, I know you're in there.
I can see your shoes.

How do you know they're mine?

What the hell
are you doing?

Well, gosh, Elaine, I'm in the coat
room looking for my stupid coat!

Hayden, did you have anything to do with
Terrence Moses' girlfriend being here?

Terrence Moses'
girlfriend's here?

I swear, Hayden, if you're
responsible for this...

How would I
be responsible?

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

I didn't even know Terrence
Moses had a girlfriend.

Well, he does, and I'm afraid she's
trying to talk him out of coming here.

(GASPS) Heavens!

It would be just like you to
find out he had a girlfriend.

You could have gotten it
out of him at lunch.

How? You were sitting with me
the whole time, Howie.

Just like Elaine
told you to, right?

This is true,
this is true.

So, I don't know...
How could you possibly think I'm responsible?

He's right, Elaine.

I guess this lets him
off the hook.

Well, I'll tell you something.

If Terrence Moses decides
not to come here,

someone is going to be
held responsible.

Excuse us.

We've just come to a decision we
think you all should know about.

Susan and I are
getting back together.

(EXCLAIMS)

Isn't that wonderful?

In fact, we're going
to get married.

Oh, stop it! Oh!

Happy day! Oh!

Champagne for everybody.
Just put it on me.

Gosh! Oh, Elaine, wait a minute.
Now, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for you.
I'm sorry for the school, too.

I was looking forward to
seeing some great basketball

in that spanky
new arena, but...

Okay, well, our loss
is Beantown's gain, huh?

Can I drive you
to the airport?

Well, actually, Hayden,
we have a second announcement.

We're not going back
to Boston.

You mean tonight?

I mean ever.

We've decided
that our relationship

is more important than
either of our careers.

We're going to live here.

(SCREAMS EXCITEDLY)

What are you, crazy?

Well, if he is,
I can take care of him.

I'm going to move
my practice here.

Oh, this is
wonderful news!

And here is
the champagne.

Perfect timing.

I couldn't be
more thrilled.

Here's to the rebirth of
basketball at Minnesota State.

And here's to the man
who made it all possible.

Probably the most selfless,
caring man that we've ever met.

Cheers!
ALL: Cheers!