Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 2 - Magnificent Abscession - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Coach, guys are ready
for the pep talk.

How's that tooth?

Don't want to talk
about my tooth, Daub.

I'm trying to forget
I even have a tooth.

Right. Want a stick of gum?

Sure, a stick of gum,
a jawbreaker...

Why don't you give me
a rock to chew on?

I know that's your tooth
talking, Coach.

Oh, there you are.
How's the tooth?

We're kind of trying to
avoid that subject, Luth.



(PLAYERS MUMBLING)
How you doing, men?

Ready to go out there
and win one today?

(ALL SHOUTING)

Hayden, I don't think Jeremiah's
going to be able to play.

He pulled a hamstring
in warm-up.

You're not going to let a little
muscle pull bother you, are you?

Here. Just spray a
little ethyl chloride on

and freeze that sucker.
It'll be fine.

Come on, you guys.
We've got to win this one today.

We lost the first two
because of Bo's injury.

That means we're gonna have
to play through the pain.

Does that mean
me, too, Coach?

God, no, Bo, I just want you to heal, son.
I want you to heal.

The rest of us are gonna have
to play through the pain!



Coach has a tooth
that's killing him...

Daub, I don't want
to talk about my tooth.

Now, look,
if ll can spray on it,

(SPRAYING)
you can play on it, huh?

Now, what do you say?
Let's go out there and win one today, huh?

(ALL SHOUTING)

HAYDEN: No pain!

No pain!

No pain!

Let's go!
No pain!

ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Big winners
today were Notre Dame, Alabama,

Southern Cal and Texas A&M.

Here at home,
our Screaming Eagles laid another egg

as they lost to
the Wildcats 27-10.

What has been an incredibly
disappointing season...

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

CHRISTINE: Quick, get some ice.
I'll get the First Aid kit.

Okay.
What happened?

Stuart almost got himself
killed tonight defending you.

We came out of The
Touchdown Club after dinner,

and there was an angry mob out
front burning you in effigy.

You're kidding.

Stuart became so incensed, he charged into
the crowd and he tried to put you out.

I'm not normally
so quick to anger,

but when they attack my family,
I just can't stand idly by.

I don't know
what to say.

I didn't realize you had
that kind of guts, son.

Well, I must admit,
I surprised myself.

But then, I didn't know
cheerleaders could be so vicious.

Do you believe that?

What is the matter with
the people in this town?

Well, they're just
disappointed, that's all.

This was the year of Bo
Whitley, you know.

The year Minnesota State
was gonna go all the way.

We were gonna be undefeated.
All I've done is let them down.

You've only lost
three games.

We've only played
three games, Christine.

It's not your fault
you've lost.

Yeah, well, tell that to the
people who were setting me on fire.

I've got to come up with
a way to get us a victory.

How's your tooth?

Fine.

Did you eat the scrambled
eggs I cooked for you?

No, it hurt too much.

Hayden, when are you going
to get that thing fixed?

When we win a game and I
can finally relax again.

Well, that could take
God knows how long.

Well, thank you, Christine!

All I meant was, I don't know how anybody
can expect you to win until Bo comes back.

Bo Whitley is one player.
I'm the coach.

I'm supposed to find
a way to win.

And that's what I'm going
to do if ll have to work

24 hours a day
all week long.

I'm not going to eat or sleep until I find
out a way to beat Missouri next Saturday.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go walk around
the lake and clear my head.

I'll see you guys later.

(GIRLS SHOUTING)

What is that?

Oh, my God,
it's the cheerleaders!

Leave him alone!
It's not his fault!

Man!

I liked it a lot better when
women didn't like football.

Hayden, you want me to take your suitcase
and give it to the equipment manager?

Yeah.

How come
you're lying down?

Resting.

It's that tooth, isn't it?
Let me look at it.

Come on, just let me take a peek.
I want to see it.

I just want to
take a peek at it.

Look at your own teeth.

Oh, gee, Hayden,
what happened?

It's worse, isn't it?
You can't get on a plane like that.

You look like that guy
in The Godfather.

Marlon Brando.
The one with the big jowls.

Marlon Brando.
The guy who played the Godfather.

He had the cotton
in his mouth, like that.

Marlon Brando!
It was Marlon Brando!

Is that who it was?
Yes!

Well, that's who
you look like.

Just wanna let you guys
know the team bus is here.

Holy smokes, Coach.
What happened to your jaw?

He's got a bad tooth and he
won't do anything about it.

Who does he look like to you?
Think big jowls.

Richard Nixon.

He thinks he looks
like Marlon Brando.

Marlon Brando's heavier
and shorter, isn't he?

Would you two
just stop it?

I know why you're testy.
It's that tooth, isn't it?

You ought to have a
dentist check that, Coach.

I don't have time
to get it checked, Daub.

A dentist could get you
in and out in an hour.

Your dentist takes
emergencies, doesn't he?

I don't exactly
have a dentist.

What do you mean?

(SIGHS) I mean,
my dentist is dead.

Since when?

Since he died!

You shouldn't neglect
your teeth, Coach.

Your smile is the
window to your heart.

Why don't you go
to my dentist?

He can probably
get you in right away.

He's real cheap.
I don't care what he costs, Luther.

I'm not going to a dentist
the day before a game.

You don't want to go on
television looking like that.

I'm gonna call him.
No, I don't want you to call him!

Can we please
just drop this?

Chicken.

What?

You're chicken
to go to the dentist.

I'm not a chicken.

You're chicken.
You're a big fat chicken.

You haven't eaten
anything all week.

You say you haven't had time.
I don't think that's true.

I think it's because
you're chicken.

You think I haven't eaten anything
all week because I'm afraid.

Is that what you're saying?
I'm saying you're a chicken.

Okay. Dauber, you got
a sandwich on you?

Yeah.
How did you know?

I'm going to prove to you that
this can wait until Monday

and it has nothing to do
with me being a chicken.

Dauber, what kind of
sandwich is this?

Egg salad.
All right.

Thanks, Daub.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought this was...

No, no, come on in.

You've got the right place.
Hayden Fox?

Yeah.
Art Hibke.

I thought there'd be a
receptionist or something.

No. I don't believe
in unnecessary frills.

My feeling is,
people hate going to the dentist.

Why make it a costly
and painful experience?

At Art Hibke's,
it's only painful.

Have a seat.

So, you're a friend
of Luther's.

Yeah.

Nice guy, Luther.

I remember
when we first met.

He was down at that all-you-can-eat
smorgasbord by the bus station.

I don't know
if you know it.

I don't.

A lot of servicemen
eat there.

Anyway...

Luther had cracked his lower
incisor on a short rib.

Thank God I was
in line behind him.

I've been
his dentist and...

Frequent dinner companion
ever since.

But enough about
me and Luther.

Let's take a look
under the hood.

Open wide.

A little wider.

I hate to
run up your bill,

but I'm going to have
to turn on this light.

Okay, let's see.

Well...

You've had some beautiful
work done here.

Who's your
regular dentist?

Dr. Sprague,
but he died.

Well, he died
arich man, I bet.

This is beautiful.

What about
my tooth, though?

All right,
tell me if this hurts.

(SCREAMS) Jeez!
Yeah, that hurts!

That's what
I was afraid of.

How bad is it?

Maybe as bad as $1,000.

I mean, how bad
is the tooth?

Well, it's abscessed.

We're going to have to get an oral
surgeon to take it out of there.

I can't have
my tooth pulled.

1 got to fly
to Missouri today.

Oh, I think the earliest you could get
that taken out would be tomorrow morning.

Gosh, can't we wait?
I mean, I've put this off for a month.

Can't it wait
till Monday?

Hayden, you've let
this go so long,

I don't know how far the
infection has spread.

If that gets down
into your front teeth,

it could run right through your
sinuses and into your brain.

Then we're not talking
an oral surgeon,

we're talking
a brain surgeon.

And then we're
really talking money.

I don't know if you've ever
seen a brain surgeon's home,

but those guys...
They really soak you.

Why don't you just sit,
relax and let me call around and see

if ll can find somebody
to handle an emergency.

Jeez, I can't
believe this.

I don't want
you to worry.

I'm going to find the
cheapest surgeon I can.

Nothing's going right for me
this season.

You wouldn't happen to have any
change, would you?

(GIRLS CHEERING)

DAUBER: Luth,
everybody's on the bus.

LUTHER: Tell them
they'll have to wait.

I'm not gonna leave
without Hayden.

There you are.
What'd he say? Well...

Boys, I've got
some bad news.

Luther, you want
to sit down?

How come I should sit
down on your bad news?

Just sit down, Luther.

My tooth is a lot worse
than I thought.

What's the bad news?

Hibke said that
the tooth is infected

and if I let it go any longer,
it could spread to my brain and then...

I got to have brain surgery.

What's the bad news?

I'm telling you!

I can't let it go
any longer.

That means I have to have
surgery tomorrow morning.

On your brain?

No, on my tooth!

It means I can't go to
Missouri with you guys today.

That means, Luther, you are going
to have to coach the team tomorrow.

Oh, God!
That's the bad news, isn't it?

The day I've dreaded
my whole life is here.

Luther, you can do it.

I can't.

You're my top assistant.
You have to.

I do! I quit! I quit!

You can't quit.
It's not going to be as bad as you think.

Oh yes, it is!

You know
how to play the game.

I don't!

You've got
35 years experience.

Thirty-eight.

Now you have to
believe in yourself.

I want you to
listen to me.

You're not gonna have to
do this all by yourself.

I have a plan.

Dauber's gonna help you.

Oh, God.

Jeez, would you just give me
two seconds to explain this?

I'm going to be helping
the both of you.

Now, luckily,
this game is on TV.

So when I get home
from surgery tomorrow,

I'm going to call you, Daub,
in the press box.

You're going to be patched
into Luth down on the field.

Well, I stay on the phone,
I coach the game from my cabin. The whole game.

(BABBLING)

What if my headsets don't work?
It happens all the time.

My headsets don't work.

Your headsets
are going to work.

The plan is
going to work.

With any luck,
you won't have to think at all.

Now, guys, we've got to
pull together on this.

Luth,
you're our leader.

Okay? Come on.

Let's get out of here.
I'll walk you to the bus.

Luth, you lead the way.

Luther, where the hell
are you going?

Here we are.

Right inside,
back in the cabin.

That's great.
You're doing great.

Oh, come on,
just hang on.

Hang on, honey.
Come on.

The couch's right there.

(BABBLING)

What?

I think he wants us
to quit helping him.

And we will, Hayden, just as soon as the
anesthetic and the Novocaine wear off.

You're still just, you know,
a little wobbly.

(SLURRING) Turn the TV on.
I don't want to miss the kickoff.

(CHATTERING ON TV)
Call Daub...

Okay, Okay.
What's the number?

Area code 314.

555-9595.

Area code 314, what?

555-9595!

You don't have to
get angry.

You're a little hard
to understand.

Then give me the damn phone.
I'll dial it myself.

You don't
have to swear.

Oh, that you understood.

Tell me what happens.

What?

I think he wants you to watch the
television and tell him what happens.

Thank you.
Thank you.

The other team has the
ball on the 25-yard line.

The other team has the ball
on the 25-yard line.

Christine, why are you telling me what she said?
I can still hear.

Sorry.

Yeah. Hello,
Hayden Fox here.

Dauber Dybinski, please.

Dauber Dybinski.

Dybin... Oh, God.

Christine, they can't
understand me.

(MUTTERING)

Hello, could I speak to
Michael Dybinski, please.

Oh, hi, Dauber,
it's Christine.

Hayden would like to talk to
you, just hold on.

Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.

How we doing, Dauber?

Coach, is that you?

No, it's Elmer Fudd.

What's the score, Daub?

What's what for?

Not "what for,"
the score, Daub!

Christine. Christine, here,
come here, take the phone!

Talk to Dauber!

Dauber, hi.
It's me again.

I think Hayden wants to know
what the score is.

COMMENTATOR ON TV We're in the first quarter.
There's no score.

Dauber says
there's no score.

I got that.
I got that.

How's Luther doing?
How's Luther doing?

He's a little nervous,
but I think he's going to be okay.

COMMENTATOR: This has really got
to be some day for Coach Van Dam.

He's running the show for
the first time in his life.

This must be
a dream come true for him.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Tell Luther...

Interception,
we got the ball!

Tell Coach
we got the ball!

He can see that, Dauber.

Tell him 32 Trap Right.
32 Trap Right.

What?

Christine, run
32 Trap Right.

Hayden, I don't know what you're saying.
I'm sorry.

32 Trap Right!

Dad, I wouldn't know what you were
saying even if I understood you!

32 Trap Right!

32 Trap Right.

“32 Trap Right"?

Bingo!

He wants you to run
32 Trap Right.

COMMENTATOR: That's going to
be a delay of game penalty

against Minnesota State.

I guess we're going to
have to expect

a little confusion on the
Minnesota State sideline

without Hayden Fox
on the field.

Tell them,
Halfback Option Left.

What?

I think he said,
"Run the Halfback Option Left."

He wants you to run
Halfback Option Left.

Right. Oh, no, I'm
sorry, make that right.

No!
No, forget it.

He doesn't want
Halfback Option.

Halfback Option Left!
Halfback Option Left!

Well, that's what
I just said.

I was just saying "right"
because you were right.

Oh.

Well, there's going to be
another delay of game.

Minnesota State
has yet to run a play

and they've already
lost 10 yards.

For crying out loud!

He wants you to call
a time out now.

No!
What's wrong?

I was saying,
"For crying out loud,"

not, "Time out now!"

Time out, Minnesota State.

Oh, God!

COMMENTATOR ON TV
Eagles have the ball.

Jorgensen takes the stand.
Rolls to his left, looks downfield...

(WHOOPING)

Nice move!
Down to the 32-yard line!

First down for
the Screaming Eagles.

What a game this has
turned out to be!

All right, Daub.
All right.

Call Time Out. Call Time Out, Daub.
How's your jaw?

It hurts like hell,
but at least I can talk.

And Minnesota State
is calling Time Out.

That'll be their last one.
With 13 seconds to go,

it's Eastern Missouri 27
Minnesota State 24.

Yes! I can't stand this.
I have to move around.

All right, Daub,
here's what we're going to do.

They're going to expect us to go
to the sidelines to stop the clock.

I want us to go
down the middle.

You tell Skip
to throw it long

into the end zone, Daub.

That way,
if we score, we win.

And if we don't, we stop the
clock, we still get one more play.

COMMENTATOR:
The Eagles have their play.

Just don't throw
an interception.

Thirteen seconds left,
no time outs.

The Eagles will get off this
play and maybe one more.

I look for them
to go to the sidelines.

Yeah, you and every other
rum-dum in the stadium.

That's why we're
going down the middle.

Jorgensen drops back,
looks left...

He fires down the middle!

Damn! Damn it! Damn it!

Too bad. That was
a gutsy call by Van Dam.

Now what do you do
if you're the Eagles?

Well, you kick a field
goal, you mallet-head.

Daub, yeah. Tell Jim to set
up for the field goal, okay?

Just kick the hell out of it
and pray. Okay, Daub?

Daub?
Coach?

Coach?
The phone's dead.

How the hell did I
get disconnected?

(GASPS)

Oh, no!

Luther, we got trouble.

Luth, bud. Listen, I know
you can't hear me, Luth.

I know you can't.
We've been together 22 years.

The only thing to do
is kick a field goal.

Luth, kick the
field goal. Kick...

Say it with me.
Say it with me.

ALL: Kick. Kick...

Say it louder,
for God's sake!

ALL: (SHOUTING)
Kick! Kick!

COMMENTATOR: Okay, the Eagles are
gonna line up for a field goal.

Way to go, Luth.

This will be a 49-yard
attempt to tie,

but at this point in
their season,

I think the Eagles
would settle for a tie.

Settle? I would give
my left leg for a tie.

And there's the snap.

It's not a kick, it's a fake!
What?

Jorgensen keeps the ball
and runs.

A run?
I would never call a run!

He's at the 25, the 20,
cuts inside.

He needs a big block here...
He's got the block.

He's at the ten,
the five...

(CHRISTINE SHOUTING)

He got it!
Touchdown Eagles!

Oh, my God!
Unbelievable!

(ALL SCREAMING JOYOUSLY)

We did it! We did it! We did it!

We did it!
We did it!

Oh, my God.
This is the happiest day of my life!

Where are you going?

To the bathroom!

I think I popped
every stitch in my mouth!

You want some water?

I don't think so.

But thank you.

Are the pain pills working?

Uh-huh.

Working great.

Christine, you know, ...
l love my life.

I know I won't love it in the
morning when this stuff wears off,

but I love it now.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, it's Luther.

Hi, Luther.

I have to let him
in first, Hayden.

Okay.

Am I stopping by
too late?

No. No, he wants to see you.
Congratulations!

Thanks.

Hey, Hayden.
Hi, Luth.

Christine, look.
It's Luther.

The doctor gave him
some pain pills.

Congratulations, guy.

That was quite a play
you called, Luth.

I was just trying to do
what I thought you'd do.

Well, you were
right on target.

What have you got
there, Luth?

The guys gave me
the game ball.

Well...

You deserve it, Luth.

I couldn't have done it
without you, Hayden.

You know me. I've never had
much confidence in myself.

You're the one who always
had the confidence in me.

And I'm just glad I could
finally prove you right.

Now that I have, I hope I
never have to do it again.

Boy, am I glad
this day is behind me.

I think
it's behind him, too.

He's asleep.

I better go then, huh?

Well, I'll call tomorrow.
Okay.

Oh, Luther,
you're giving him your game ball?

Just till Monday.