Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 19 - Hurley-Burleigh - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Boy, I am feeling pretty good
about myself this morning.

Yeah? And why's that?

I did my tax return
last night.

And I got to tell you,
it wasn't that hard.

When I sat down at my
kitchen table at 8:00,

with my shoe box
full of receipts,

read the instructions carefully,
filled everything out,

and by 10:30 I was
licking the stamp.

That's great.
You get back a refund?

Yeah.



Get back $41,000.

How much are
you getting back?

$41,000.

That seem a little
high to you, Luth?

Yeah, does it seem
high to you?

How can you be getting back $41,000?
You don't even make $41,000.

Well, I thought maybe it's
because I've kept good records.

Well, you see, you can't get
back more money than you made.

You wouldn't think so, would you?
No.

I guess I was
counting on that money.

What for?

I did my
state taxes too.

I owe them $45,000.

Now, according to your W2,
you were paid $32,000 by...



By the university last year.

Right, don't tell
anybody though.

I think what a person makes should
be between him and his tax people.

And you list charitable
contributions of $22,000.

Uh-huh.

You gave $22,000
to charity?

Right, of course,
that's just an estimate, you know.

But when you add up the Girl Scout
cookies and church bake sale,

and then the band
candy drive.

(STUTTERING) I mean,
you're just talking about... Good will.

HAYDEN: Luther!
Yeah, coming.

If you have any other
questions, just let me know.

Everything you need should
be right there in my files.

Yeah.

Hey Luth, you doing
anything this weekend?

I don't think so. I'm busy Labor Day
weekend, but I'm free till then, why?

How would you like
to go to Las Vegas?

Are you kidding?

Las Vegas is my favorite city
in the world, you know that.

Yeah, there's a sports equipment
show at the convention center.

Sounds like a
business trip to me.

We all know who pays
for business trips.

(HAYDEN SNIGGERS)

Howard, get down here!

We're going to Las Vegas,
and play, play, play!

Business is hell, isn't it?

DAUBER: You guys.

Hey, Daub, how would you like to go
to Las Vegas this weekend, for free?

Whoa, I'm up for it.

You guys going?

Yeah, of course
we're going.

And the athletic department
is going to pay for it.

There's a sports equipment
show at the convention center.

All right,
a sports equipment show!

We're not going to the
sports equipment show.

We're just saying that so
Howard Burleigh will pay for it.

I get it.

Can I go to the
sports show anyway?

Yeah, if you want to.

Great!

Hayden, I've had it with you
banging on that air duct!

Mr. Burleigh, I don't know
if you're aware of it,

but your shirt has a big
coffee stain at the back.

Of course
I'm aware of it.

I was dunking a cruller
in my morning coffee

when Hayden bellowed and scared
the living pea-wodden out of me.

Now, what was so important that
it was worth soaking my blotter?

Howard, I have got something that's
going to make you very happy.

Luther, Dauber, and I,
are going to a sports equipment show.

You're kidding.

You never want
to go to those shows.

I've been begging you
for eight years,

and every year you tell me to
blow it out my barracks bag.

Yeah, I've been wrong
and you've been right.

I have?

I don't know, maybe I've been
dismissing you all this time

because you're,
well, bald.

But I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna dismiss you anymore.
l am through with that.

I'm gonna take your advice and I
really think that we should go.

All I want you to do is just
sign this little voucher,

pay for our expenses,
and then we'll be on our way.

Well, well, well.

I never thought
I would see the day.

You're finally giving me
credit for knowing my business.

I'll sign this
travel voucher.

Hot dog,
we're going to Las Vegas!

Oh, Luther!
Las Vegas!

Vegas, what?

Oh, so that's why
you want to go.

Vegas? I didn't know...
Let me see that.

Oh, man!

You don't give a rat's galoshes
for the sports equipment show.

You just want to squander the school's
funds on a frivolous pleasure trip.

You have no respect
for me or the university.

Oh, Howard, wait a minute,
I do have the utmost respect for you,

and some for
the university.

All right, I will
sign it on one condition.

That you'll let
me go with you.

Go with us?
What's wrong with that?

Well, I don't know.

You don't want me because you know
I'll make you go to the equipment show.

Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want you, Howard,

because Las Vegas
is a fun city.

And you are not a fun guy.

What do you mean
I'm not a fun guy?

Come on, if we took you to Las Vegas,
you'd be worried about staying up all night,

and how much money you lost.
You'd be worried about, you know, missing Shirley.

There's nothing wrong
with missing your wife.

No, but it's not fun.

We took you with us, Howard, you would
be, I am sorry, a "wet blanket."

Is that what you
all think of me?

Can you get fired
for telling the truth?

Of course not.

I know that's what Hayden
and Dauber think of you.

Well, what if
I promise to be fun.

Oh, come on,
that's a promise you can't keep.

Howard, you don't know
how to be a fun guy.

Teach me.

Teach me to be a fun guy. I don't want
to be like this for the rest of my life.

Well, first lesson.

What about making us go
to the sports equipment show?

Can we go and
then have fun?

All right, all right, okay.
Forget it, forget it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Damn the sports
equipment show.

All right, Mr. Burleigh.

Yeah, we're gonna
go to Las Vegas,

we're going to spend
the university's money

and we're not going to do
one thing to justify it.

Oh, now, wait a minute,
now you are talking fun!

(WHOOPS)

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

HOWARD: That's probably Hayden,
you want to get it, sweetheart?

I've got it.

Hi, Hayden.
Hi, Shirley.

Come on in.
Thanks.

What a nice surprise.

Surprise?

Didn't Howard tell you
we're going to Las Vegas?

Yes, I meant, what a nice surprise
that you wanted him to go with you.

Oh.

I understand that you're going
to teach him how to be fun.

Yeah, well we're
gonna give it a try.

Howard's almost ready.

Would you like a cookie or
a cup of tea while you wait?

Oh, no, thanks,
no, thank you.

Would you like me
to shine your shoes?

Huh?

No, they're fine.

I can't tell you how much
this means to Howard.

You're taking him
under your wing.

I think, so many times he feels like
he's not really one of the guys.

Which he's not,
of course.

But maybe that'll
change this weekend.

Well, now, it's a lot to
expect from one weekend,

but I think whatever happens is
going to do him a world of good.

Well, I'm for anything
that's good for Howard.

Okay, ready to go.

Howard, is that how you're going
to dress to go to Las Vegas?

What's the matter with it?
It's my Saturday suit.

You have the houndstooth jacket and
the tie with the state capitol on it.

I tell you what, why don't we go shopping
when we get there? That's going to be fun.

Oh, boy,
that would be fun.

Boy, this weekend really is
going to change my life.

Just don't go changing so much that you
run off with one of those showgirls.

Don't you worry,
I'll keep an eye on him.

Then just go and have
a wonderful time.

All right, all right,
I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, sweetheart.

Do you know
what time?

Hey, fun guy
never knows.

I'll have a Sunday duck
waiting when you get back.

Figure 5:00, 5:15.

Okay, Howie,
how do you like it so far?

Great, I never thought I could have
this much fun losing this much money.

No, no, no.
Fun guys don't talk about losing.

Hey, if we're gonna catch the
show, we better grab a table.

Oh, yeah, we don't
want to miss that.

Yeah, we don't
want to miss that.

Hey, this one's clean.

This is our lucky night.

If we sit
this far front,

don't we run the risk of
getting a kink in our necks?

Oh, now, come on, Howard,
was that a fun comment?

No, and I knew it as soon
as it came out of my mouth.

Okay!

Okay, gentlemen,
what can I get you?

Go for it, Howard.

Okay, champagne
for everyone!

Attaboy!

Champagne's $9 a glass.

Okay then,
champagne just for me.

Howard?
Okay, oh, no, okay.

Champagne for everyone.

Wait, you understood that
was just for this table?

Yeah.

So, Mr. Burleigh,
having fun?

Are you kidding?
I love this place.

You should see
it at Christmas.

They decorate the whole
room in red and gold.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Appaloosa Lounge
is proud to present

directly from Paris, France,

Le Lido des Chevaux.

HAYDEN: All right,
show time!

LUTHER: Show time.

Great!

Okay, Howard.

HOWARD: Boy, I know
this is pretty great.

Oh, my God!

Breasts!

I guess they're supposed
to be horses, huh, Coach?

I guess so, Daub.
It doesn't really matter though, does it?

They were reindeer
at Christmas.

Oh, no.

HAYDEN: Take it easy,
Howard, relax.

No, I am not ready
for this, Hayden.

Oh, yes, you are.
Go for it, Howard.

ALL: Howard, Howard!

I'm not going
up on stage!

Howard, they just want you on stage,
they just want to have a little fun.

I haven't been up on stage since I played
Franklin Roosevelt in the third grade!

Howard!
This is the fun finish line.

You cross this one, baby,
and you are gonna be a fun guy.

Well, okay,
but I hope you know what I'm doing.

(ALL CHEERING)

Come on,
do it, Howie.

Well, this isn't
so bad, I guess.

Go, Mr. Burleigh, go!

LUTHER: Oh, yeah!

Take it off, Howie,
take it off!

HAYDEN: That's it,
Howard!

That's it.

Yee-hah!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, my God, you're
angels, you're all angels!

Howard, Howard, Howard.

Howard, that was great!

Oh, my God. I just want
to thank you.

How do you feel?

I feel like a wild stallion
that's been set free!

Al right!

This is the greatest night
I've ever had in my life!

Hey, make way for the bubbly.
Okay.

Oh, here,
this is for you too.

What's this?

It's a little something from
one of the dancers in the show.

Hey, maybe it's free
tickets to another show.

It's a key.
What does that mean?

I think it means
you've won a car!

HOWARD: This isn't a car key.
It's a room key.

Oh, my God,
I've been propositioned.

I don't believe this,
I've been coming here for 10 years,

nothing like this
ever happened to me.

What does a fun guy do in a
situation like this, Hayden?

What do you mean,
what does a fun guy do?

If he's married,
he gives the key back.

Doesn't sound like fun.

It's not fun, Howard,
the fun is over.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute. Not so fast.

I've never had a woman come
on to me in my whole life.

At least let me sit here
and savor the moment.

Hayden, I've never been this close to
anything like this. I'd like to savor it too.

Howard, you give
that key back.

What if I just have
a drink with her?

By God,
you are 3 married man.

Shirley is making
you a duck!

You take that key back.

He's right, Mr. Burleigh.
You got to think about that duck.

I know, I know, it just

sounded like a fun idea.

I'll be right back.

Attaboy, Howard.

All right, let's pay this
check and just get out of here.

I don't know, I didn't want to
say anything in front of Howard,

but he didn't seem to me like
the kind of guy who women

would be throwing
themselves at.

I don't know,
there's a theory that men who are bald

have a certain animal magnetism
that women can't resist.

I thought that was
men with big feet.

You got big feet.

Yeah, but they're
bad feet.

Hey, where're you
guys going?

We paid the check,
and we're getting out of here. Now come on.

Oh, well, if it's all the same to
you, I think I'm going to stay.

What do you mean?

Rusty wants
to buy me dinner.

Rusty?

Well, that's her name!

Howard, what're you doing?

I'm doing exactly what you taught
me, Hayden.

I'm having fun!

I didn't mean this.

Well, I'm not going
to do anything crazy.

We're just going to go across
the street and have dinner.

You're gonna go across
the street and have dinner

with some cheap
dancer you just met?

She's not that cheap, Hayden.
That buffet across the street costs 13 bucks.

I haven't had dinner with any woman,
except Shirley and my mother, in 25 years.

And I'll probably never
get this chance again.

It's just one dinner.

Howard, you've already
passed the fun test.

You've got nothing to prove,
please don't...

Don't throw your whole life away
for just one senseless night.

All right, Hayden.

You know best.

I feel kind of
sorry for him.

So do I, he's still got
the price tag on his pants.

Howard, you wait!

HOWARD: You created me,
Hayden! Now, let me live!

Luther, Luther.

Where have you been?
I've been looking all over for you.

I came down early to watch them
set up the breakfast buffet.

Well, forget about the buffet.
I can't find Howard.

What?
Yeah, yeah.

I woke up early this morning,
checked at the desk,

they said he didn't
even pick up his key.

You don't show 'em your key,
you don't get this.

Would you stop
with the buffet?

A man is missing,
for Pete's sake.

Oh, here you are.
Morning, everybody.

Hey, this looks great.

Don't get started on that buffet, Dauber.
We can't find Howard.

What do you mean?
He didn't come back last night.

Wow, so he went
for the key, huh?

I don't know what he did.
All'l know is we only got...

An hour to try to find him
before our plane leaves.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I don't know if you remember us.
We were sitting over at that table over there

with a friend of ours and he
left with one of your horses.

A girl named Rusty.
Could you tell us how to find her?

Not anymore. She called up a half
an hour ago and said she quit.

Quit?

Yeah, she said she was going
to L.A. with some guy.

Hey, maybe it
was your friend.

Oh, God!

Yeah, tell me
about it.

Rusty was the best
cheval in the whole show.

Can't believe he
ran off with her.

Should we go to L_A.
and try to find him?

How, Dauber?

There's eight million
people in Los Angeles.

I know, I was just
thinking it's still early.

What're we gonna do?

There's nothing
we can do.

We're just gonna have to go
back to Minneapolis without him.

Who's gonna tell
Mrs. Burleigh?

Well, obviously,
I'll have to tell her, Dauber.

LUTHER: Well, that's one of the toughest
conversation you're ever going to have.

HAYDEN: I can't believe this.
All I wanted to do was just come to Vegas,

have a little trip, let the school pay for it.
Why am I being punished?

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

That's him, my fun boy.

Hi, Hayden...

Hi, Shirley.

Where's Howard?

He's not with me
at this exact moment.

May I come in?

Of course.

Will he be here soon,
or should I turn the duck down?

I better turn
the duck off.

Oh, God. What happened?

What are you doing
with Howard's bag?

Uh-huh.

Shirley, you know how sometimes you
take a trip somewhere, you know,

and then your bags go
somewhere else?

Yeah.

Well, kind of the opposite
thing happened here.

The airline lost Howard?

Shirley, would you
like to sit down?

Why?

Shirley, just sit,
would you?

Shirley,

Howard

ran off with another woman.

What?

He went nuts
last night.

See, we were all in this lounge together
and one of the dancers took a liking to him,

and I think they, well,
they flew off to Los Angeles together.

This is one of the hardest
things I've ever had to do.

I just somehow feel like
I'm responsible for it.

You're totally responsible.

I can't believe
this has happened.

I don't know whether
to cry or shoot you.

I know how upset you are, Shirley.
Believe me, I'm upset too.

Is there anything I can do?

Would you like to pay the
mortgage off on this house?

Can I get you a drink
or something?

No, I think I'll just
go up to my room.

I have liquor up there.

Hayden!
Howard.

What are you
doing here?

What the hell's
that on your head?

I got it last night.
It's a long story.

Why are you here?

What do you mean,
why am I here?

I came back here to tell Shirley
how come you weren't with me.

What did you tell her?
You didn't tell her the truth, did you?

I don't even know what
the truth is, Howard.

Jeez, the last thing I heard,

you went to dinner with some
girl and then early this morning

someone said she flew off to
Los Angeles with some guy.

I assumed it was you.
Me?

All I did was have dinner with her and shop for hair.
It was perfectly innocent.

Well, you were gone all night.
Where the hell were you?

I played keno.

I came back to look for you
guys but you were all in bed.

I guess I lost track of the
time and missed the flight.

Gosh, Howard, do you know
how much trouble you caused?

Why? I'm only
two minutes late.

Oh.

It's a big two
minutes, Howard.

What do you mean?

I told Shirley you ran off
to Los Angeles with Rusty.

What?
Yeah.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
I'm a dead man!

How could you do this to me?
I'm innocent.

How was I
to know that?

Well, even if I did run off with her,
why would you come here and tell my wife?

Who are you? Satan?

SHIRLEY: Howard, is that you?

Uh, yes, pumpkin.

What to do,
what to do?

Well, I'm getting
the hell out of here.

The hell you are, you got me into
this, you're gonna get me out of it.

Howard, you're back.

And you have hair.

I can explain that, darling.
I can explain everything.

But the main thing that you need
to know is that I never left you.

Oh, yeah, I did a couple of crazy
things in the last 24 hours,

but it was all Hayden's fault.

Now, wait a minute.

It is your fault,
you made me feel bad about myself.

You told me I wasn't any fun.
You shamed me into taking a trip

to Las Vegas that
I didn't want to take.

You tried to turn me into
a man that I can never be.

I'm a dull guy.

And I'm proud of it.

This woman is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I don't need to have any fun
as long as I have Shirley.

So you can take your cheap
hotels and your dancing girls

and your Perry Como sweaters
and get out of here.

You are a tempter, Hayden.
You are an agent of Lucifer

and I don't want
you in my house.

Boy, you don't have
to ask me twice.

You people are nuts.

(OVEN BELL RINGS)

That's the duck.

Hayden, thanks for
the great time.