Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 18 - 2 BRs, MTN VW - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Hey, Daub.

You want a candy bar?
I just bought a case.

Whoa!
You bought a case of these?

Yeah, the marching band's trying to
raise money for a trip to Europe.

You know I can't
say no to charity.

What are you reading?

It's an article on the theory
of the parallel universe.

This guy says that right
alongside our universe,

there's a parallel universe
that's exactly like ours.

With people exactly like us,



doing the exact same things we're
doing at the exact same time.

Only in a different dimension.

Yeah, and I'm Perry Como.

Well, that's the theory.

What you're telling me is,
right next to this universe,

there's another universe.
Just like this one.

With another Luther Van Dam,

who lives in the
same apartment,

works in the same school and just
bought 24 pounds' worth of candy?

Kind of eerie, isn't it?

Well, I'm no nuclear psychiatrist,
but I think it's bunk!

I still say it's an
interesting theory.

Ho! I've got to meet
Judy for lunch.

I'll see ya.



(CHUCKLING)

Another universe right next to this one.
What a bunch of bunk!

Bunk!

Morning.

I thought you were
going to get here early

so we could go over this stuff
one more time before I left.

Hayden, you're only
going to be gone five days.

I'm not some teenage babysitter
you can't leave alone.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

Look,

here's the number where we're gonna be
at, in case you need us.

Don't lose it!

Jeez, Hayden, you want me
to pin it to my sweatshirt?

You make me feel like a child.

Oh, Luth!

Did you leave your box of chocolates
sitting on the VCR last night?

Ya. Why?

Well, because you
forgot to turn it off.

And they get real hot when
you leave them on all night.

Oh, God!

Aw, jeez, Luther!

It was an accident, Hayden!
I'll clean it up.

How?
Well, I'll think of something.

I've been cleaning up
stuff all my life.

I'm not an idiot.

No, I'm an idiot for thinking
I can go on a vacation and

enjoy myself and leave
you two guys in charge!

Just clean it up.

Don't stand there
like a boob, do something!

Now what do we do?

We take it outside
and dump it someplace.

Well, now what do we do?
We'll think of something.

We're not imbeciles!

Hey, Dad.
Hey, sweetheart.

All ready
for your big ski trip?

Oh, yeah!

Listen, Stuart and I
were wondering,

since you're going
to be gone a whole week

and your cabin's
going to be empty.

You have a great week.

Oh, you mean it?

I don't have to beg
or cry or anything?

It's all yours.

Great! Thanks!

Oh, hi, Kelly.

Ready to hit the slopes?

Well, yeah, I'm ready.

Your dad's ready.

Unfortunately, the two people
we were going with aren't ready.

Huh?

Just as I was leaving
the cabin, the phone rang,

Marty and Mary have to cancel.

What happened?
How come?

Mary was cleaning
out the refrigerator,

and she dropped
a ham on her foot.

She can't get a ski boot on because
her foot is swollen up to the size of

well, a ham.

Well, that Mary's an idiot!

The whole trip is doomed!

It isn't doomed.

Well, it is doomed!

This whole thing was based
on a package for four.

Now we've got a two
bedroom condo we can't use.

We got two extra plane tickets,
we got two extra lift tickets.

The whole thing is doomed!

Thanks to Mary Hamfoot!

Maybe you could get another
couple to come with you.

We're leaving in two hours.

I don't know who
could go on such short notice.

We could.

We who?

We, me and Stuart.

Well, there's an idea.

Yeah, that's an idea.
So was the Edsel.

The what?

I think it would be fun to have
Kelly and Stuart come with us.

I think it would be fun to
have Kelly come with us.

I'm not going on my
vacation with Stuart.

How can you say that?

Because, Kelly,
vacations are for

getting away from things
that drive you crazy.

You don't take things that drive
you crazy with you on the vacation.

Hayden, could I talk to you
in the team room for a second?

Oh, good.

What on Earth?

Christine, you've, uh,

you've met Willy Wonka
and Dauber Wonka, haven't you?

If you would just open the
door and don't say anything.

Coach, how long
you going to be gone?

Five days.
Hurry back.

My God, what happened?

I'll explain it to you later.

Christine, why
are you fighting so hard

to have Stuart come on our vacation?
I mean,

you know how annoying he is.

He's got all those
little "things" he does.

I am not fighting for Stuart.

But we are a family, Hayden.

We're going to be.

I'm going to be
Kelly's stepmother.

So be an evil stepmother
and tell 'em they can't go!

I just think
this is an opportunity

we should
take advantage of.

Besides, now that Kelly
has asked to go

I don't know how I could leave
them behind and still enjoy myself.

I'd still enjoy myself.

Not if I'm not
enjoying myself.

I just don't feel like I have
any control of my life anymore.

That's what being
a family is all about.

Come on.

Hold on, they're coming back.

So, what's the decision?

We would love to have you.

Al right!

Christine talked him into it!
We're going!

Stuart says when he sees
you he's going to give you

the biggest hug
a father-in-law ever got.

Run down and get your
prescriptions filled.

I'll meet you
at the house in 20 minutes.

I love you, too. Bye.

What prescriptions?

Stuart gets airsick.

But if he takes his pills
and uses his inhaler,

and puts in
his eardrops, he's fine.

Oh, God!
This is going to be fun!

CHRISTINE:
Oh, isn't this beautiful!

Well, it better be
for what it's costing.

STUART: What?

Your ears still clogged, Stu?

Yeah, everything's
out of the car.

Oh, neat!

A hot tub.

What?

I said, there's a hot tub.

Oh, I would love a cup.

My throat is so dry.

Honey, your head's
still clogged.

Pop your ears and
use your nasal spray.

(SNORTING) Oh, yeah.

(COUGHING)

(SNIFFING)

(HONKING)

(SNORTING)

Oh, what a relief.

Hey, look, a hot tub!

Oh, Hayden, wait until
you see this bedroom.

Is it great?

King-size bed,
our own fireplace,

and a bathroom
you can get lost in.

Can hardly wait to see this.

Hey, what's up there?

I don't know, I'll go check.

What is it?

I don't know. It looks
like a storage loft.

There's two cots up here.

So, how's your bedroom?

We haven't found it yet.

Stuart found a storage loft.

That's the kitchen
and another bath.

Oh!

I guess that must be
the other bedroom.

That's a crummy deal.

That's not a bedroom.
That's a crawlspace.

You got no privacy
up there at all.

You guys are gonna
be okay there, right?

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?
Nosebleed.

What?
It must be the altitude.

What altitude?
It's only eight feet.

I'm getting dizzy, honey.
I have to come down.

It's okay, hon.
Keep your head back.

Dad, can you help him?

(MOANING)

Hey, boy, it's a lot
of fun, Stu.

Should have done this sooner.

What's the problem?

Jean-Claude Killy
here has a nose bleed.

He can't sleep in the loft.

That's the second bedroom?

I'm telling you, Christine,
this trip was doomed

from the time Mary
opened her refrigerator.

It's not doomed.

We could sleep here
in the living room.

Honey,

I don't think my humidifier's
going to work down here.

Your humidifier?

Stuart needs 70-percent humidity
while he sleeps or he gets migraines.

And if I get a migraine,
lam no fun at all.

Then we'll sleep in the loft and
you kids can have the bedroom.

Well, wait a second!

What else can we do?

Well, he can have a migraine!

He's no fun now.
How much worse is it gonna get?

Hayden! Well, he isn't any
fun, Christine, my God!

By the time we landed, even
the stewardesses hated him.

Well, I am sorry!

You can't help the sinuses
you're born with.

Hayden, could I talk to you
privately in the bedroom?

No, no, no!
I'm not gonna go in the bedroom.

If I go in the bedroom,
I'll end up sleeping in the loft.

What difference does it make where we sleep?
We're here to ski!

Hayden.

I mean it, Christine.

Just keep him out of my sight.

Would you relax?
How can I relax

when I'm on a vacation
from hell!

All I wanted to do
was just a little skiing.

But do I get
a chance to ski? No!

We go up
the ski lift one time

and my son-in-law,
Stuart Noseblock,

slides off the trail and down
the side of the mountain!

Well, I just
thank God he's all right.

Well, why
are you thanking God?

Did God hike back down to get
him and drag him up again?

Did God make a second trip down
for his skis and his nasal spray?

You know what I think you need?
Yeah.

A rifle and
a deer suit for Stuart.

No.

No.

I think you need
some time alone.

Why don't I take
the kids into town

for a couple of hours
and you can just relax?

Oh, yeah, I'll just climb
up to the cot and stretch out.

Look, come here, look,

the hot tub is all fired up.

Why don't you jump
in there for 15 minutes?

That'll make you feel better.

No!

Oh!

Go on. Go on!
Your trunks are in the bathroom.

You just keep him
out of my sight!

Is it safe?

For the moment.

Has my dad calmed down any?

He will someday.

Listen, I told him that
I'd take you two into town

and we'd give him
a couple of hours to cool off.

Great idea.

Let's just get Stuart into a dry
sweater and then we'll get out of here.

I'm sorry for being
so much trouble.

You're not being any trouble.

You're just being yourself.

I mean, I just don't know
why Dad has to blow

every little thing
you do out of proportion!

I think what hurt
the most was

when he called me
a "needy little weenie."

lam not a weenie.

I am a man.

So.

You promise this is gonna
make me feel better?

Trust me, you are
going to feel great.

Now, just don't stay
out here too long.

Whoa! Ho! Hey, it's cold!

It'll be fun.
That's the idea, Hayden.

Sitting in a hot tub
surrounded by ice cold weather.

Now, go on, jump in.

Whoo-hoo! That's hot!

Right, I know...
I'll see you when we get back.

Okay.

(SCREAMING)

I'll meet you guys in the car.

We're coming.

You have extra
tissues, honey?

Always, sweetheart.

Wait a minute!
Somebody left the patio door open.

Remember to tell your father
that I'm the one that did that.

At least I did
something right.

Boy! This is great!

Hey, how about a soft drink?
Ready for a soft drink!

Christine?

Christine? Anybody?

Hey, hey, hey!
Whoo-hoo!

Hey!

Come on, you guys!
This is not funny now!

Whoa!

(SHOUTING)

Christine!

(ALL MOANING)

Feels like it dropped
below zero in the last hour.

With the wind-chill factor,
I bet it's even colder.

Hayden, we're home!

We bought some steaks!

And ice-cold beer!

Hayden?

Maybe he's sleeping.

Oh, God, if I woke him up,
I'm a dead man.

He's not up here.

Hayden,
are you in the kitchen?

Maybe he went for a walk.

His clothes are still
in the bathroom.

He can't still be
in the hot tub.

He was in the hot tub?

Yeah, he was when we left.

Oh, God.

What's the matter?

Our Father, Who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy Name.

Why is he praying?

Because I think Dad's
still in the hot tub.

Oh, my God!

No!

Hayden! Oh!

Oh, thank God
we didn't go to that movie.

(HAYDEN GROANING)

Hayden, stand up
and put this around you.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

(PRAYING)

Hayden.

Can you talk?

Say something, Hayden.

Who

locked

the door?

...I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil.

Well, this is insane.

He's been in the bedroom

almost as long as
he was in the hot tub.

Dad, will you please

come out so we can
at least talk about this?

Hayden,
you're being ridiculous.

Please come out and talk.

Dad, if you
won't talk to us

then will you open the door
SO we can come in

and get the rest of our stuff?

'Cause we're leaving.

It's all yours.

So, you want us to leave.
Is that it?

No.

I want you to live.

And to do that,
you must leave.

Hayden,

I was sympathetic
up to a point.

But I now think we should just sit
down and seriously discuss this.

Christine, sweetheart,
before you go any further,

I don't want
to explore this more deeply.

I don't want to break

new emotional ground, ...

I don't want to reach new
heights of sensitivity.

I just want him out of here.

If he goes, I go.

That's understood.

Fine. Then come on, Stuart.

Let's get our things
and fly the hell out of here.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hell, hell, hell!

Hon, I'm still out here.

I can't believe
I'm watching this.

Why not?
This was all your idea.

Hey, Christine, if you wanted
to see a happy mountain family

you should have rented
Sound of Music.

What are you doing?

I am getting my things
and I am leaving.

I've had it!
What?

I am sick and tired
of trying to be the glue

that holds
this family together.

If you're
not interested, fine!

Let it fall apart!

I'm done!

What the heck
are you so upset for?

I'm the one that's
having a lousy vacation.

And I'm just having
2 festival of fun!

This is my vacation
too, Hayden.

You know, you are
all so self-involved

that it never occurs to any of you
that I could be having a lousy time.

Well, I am having
a lousy time!

I'm having
a downright pukey time!

We couldn't help overhearing.

Christine, we didn't
mean for you to go.

Yeah, I thought you
enjoyed being the glue, honey.

Look, the problem is,
as long as I'm the glue,

none of you have to work
at being a family.

You can do any outrageous,
stupid thing you want to.

Because somehow, Christine will
always pull it back together.

Well, maybe
if ll stop trying so hard,

you'll start trying
a little harder.

Christine, wait. Come on.
Wait a minute now, honey!

I don't want you to leave.

I am not willing to stay
under these circumstances.

I'm out of this.

Christine says we
have to solve this ourselves.

So,

assuming for the moment that we do
not want the family to fall apart.

Well, I don't.
And I don't.

Well, I don't either.

You don't?

What made you think I want
the family to fall apart?

Well, your quest to
push me out of it, for one.

What about your quest
to push me out of it?

You know, sometimes I get the feeling
you're trying to turn Kelly against me.

How am I trying
to turn Kelly against you?

All I've ever tried
to do was bring a little

love and understanding and
sensitivity into this family.

Yeah, and that's a complete
slap in the face to me!

Dad, all Stuart ever
wanted to do was fit in.

How?

With all the crying and the whining
and the sneezing and the bleeding?

How is that trying to fit in?

Maybe things
wouldn't be so bad

if you would just stop exploding
at every little thing Stuart does.

And honey,

you know, I mean, maybe,

in all fairness to my father

you could make
an effort to stop

doing so many
annoying little things.

Exactly!

I thought you were gonna
stay out of this. I am!

Look, I know you two are
never gonna be best friends.

But, I mean,
you must have something in common.

Well, yeah,
you'd certainly think so.

Christine,
you want back in here?

I know one thing
we have in common.

We both love Kelly.

That's true.

And I love both of you.

And we all love Christine.

Thank you.

So, where does that leave us?

That leaves you and Stuart
with a lot of work to do.

I'm coming back in.

See, I really
think Kelly's right.

If the two of you would just

try treating each other with a
little more consideration and

flexibility, things could be
a lot better in this family.

We still have four days of this
vacation left to start trying.

All right, I'll try
if you will, Stu.

I'll try with
every atom of my being.

See, that's not trying.

I'll give it my best shot.

A little better.

Do you think we could
have a family hug?

Well, I think
that would be terrific.

So do l.

Let's see, who hasn't voted?

Okay, fine.

(STUART SNORTING)