Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 20 - Hayden Fox for Universal Jocks - full transcript
FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.
Towel for you.
Towel for me.
Thank you. I will go change
and meet you at the pool.
Oh, Christine, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
What do you say we go
skinny-dipping tonight?
Oh, Hayden, I'm not gonna go
swimming naked in the college pool.
Why not?
It'll be fun, it'll be
wet, it'll be sexy.
Plus we'll dry quicker.
This is a public building,
anybody could just walk in and see us.
Honey, I'm not ashamed of my
body and I'm very proud of yours.
Besides, the building
is locked.
Come on, we've been coming here almost every Sunday.
We haven't seen anybody yet.
I'm not gonna do it.
Christine, wait.
Think about jumping
into that warm water,
arms wrapped
around each other.
I give you a long
tender kiss.
And the water gently laps
against our glistening bodies.
My skin touches your skin and
your skin returns the favor.
Please?
Please?
Are you positive
the building's locked?
I'm positive.
Okay.
Last one in the pool has to
walk back to the office naked.
Oh, wait, wait.
(WHISTLING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Hayden, can we talk?
You mind if I leave
my clothes on?
You know, I'm really
sorry about last night.
You know, Luther, I really don't
want to talk about last night.
No, I have to talk
about last night.
Ever since I saw you
and Christine naked,
I just can't get it
out of my mind.
I'm telling you, Luther,
I really don't want to talk about it.
Was Christine upset?
Little.
She slept with her
coat on all night.
If this makes you feel any better,
I really didn't see that much.
Luther, can we
just drop it?
Maybe, I saw a little,
but I didn't...
Hey, Luther,
come on, all right?
Let's just drop it.
I really don't want to know.
Okay, okay.
Christine works out,
doesn't she?
Hey, guys.
Hey, did you see the article about
Christine in this month's Minnesota Life?
Yeah, that's right,
that was supposed to be out this week.
Oh, let me see it.
Yeah, It's got a
great picture of her.
Yeah, she's a great
looking lady.
You know,
I always knew that Christine
is good at what she does.
But I had no idea
how much money she makes.
What do you mean?
They mentioned her salary.
No wonder she's always
in such a good mood.
How much she make?
Holy mackerel.
How much she make?
A lot.
According to this,
she makes more than I do.
You're kidding.
She makes a lot
more than he does.
Hey, Dauber,
come on.
Hey, I don't know what you're
so upset about, Hayden.
You're marrying a girl
who makes big money,
and the nicest person
in the whole world.
And doesn't have
an ounce of fat on her.
I wouldn't let this
bother you, Coach.
Well, of course it's gonna bother
me, Dauber, come on!
I've known Christine
for four years,
I had no idea she made
this kind of money.
With this amount
of dough rolling in,
what the heck is she
gonna need Hayden Fox for?
Maybe as a dependent.
Wouldn't that put her
in a lower tax bracket?
Hayden, so Christine's more successful than you.
What's the big deal?
Christine is not more
successful than me.
Just because she
makes more money,
does not mean that she's more
successful than me, Luther.
1 will tell you something.
There are a lot of successful people in
this country who hardly make a thing.
Like who?
I don't know,
Ralph Nader.
I think Ralph Nader
does okay.
Can we just drop this?
We got a lot more
important things to do
than just sitting around
and reading stupid magazines.
And I don't wanna hear another word
about how much Christine Armstrong makes.
Well, good morning, Luther.
Hey, Howard.
Dauber.
Rockefeller.
Oh, jeez.
Quite an impressive
article about Christine.
I was just in the john,
I read the whole thing.
Howard,
if you came here on
business, state it.
If you came here
to tease me,
you can just take your cue-ball
head right out of here.
I didn't come in
here to tease you.
I came in here on
avery important matter.
What is it?
Would you get Christine
to buy me a sports car?
That's it, you're
out, you're out!
(SINGING) You're in the money,
{ think it's funny,
I know you don't,
that makes it twice as funny to me
(ADDING MACHINE CLICKING)
Hey, Christine.
Surprise!
Yeah, hey, what are you
doing here on Monday night?
They're televising a North Stars
game, so they pre-empted the news.
I picked up a couple of
steaks, a bottle of champagne.
I thought we
could celebrate.
Celebrate what?
The article in Minnesota
Life came out today.
Oh, the phone didn't stop ringing.
Everybody loved it.
It just made me feel
like a million bucks.
(CHUCKLING)
Did you happen to see it?
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah, Dauber had a copy and
Howard Burleigh had a copy.
A lot of people had copies,
I was just choking on copies.
What's the matter?
What...
Was there something
about it that bothered you?
Well, there's one little thing that
kind of burned my shorts, yeah.
Christine, how come you never told
me how much money you made, honey?
Is that a problem?
Were you aware that you
made more money than me?
Is that what
this is about?
I'm asking the questions
here, Christine.
Were you aware that you
made more money than me?
I don't know.
I never thought about it.
You never thought about it?
No. Why, did you?
Hey, I am asking the questions
here, Christine.
I mean, based on that
figure in the article,
I find it very hard
to believe that
it never occurred to you that
you made more money than me.
It may have
occurred to me.
Aha!
What?
Well, aha, it did occur to
you, you knew.
And you were purposely
hiding it from me.
Oh, I was not!
Well, then, Christine,
if the thought had occurred to you,
how come you never
brought it up?
I don't know.
Maybe I wanted to avoid
a scene like this.
Avoid...
Okay, aha, again!
You're purposefully hiding it from
me because you knew I'd get upset.
Oh, this is crazy.
I can't believe,
in this day and age,
you're feeling insecure because
I make more money than you.
Well, it's not just me.
Any man would, in any
day, in any age, honey!
This is ridiculous!
This is not ridiculous!
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, no.
This is basic biological
male/female stuff.
This goes back to the
beginning of people.
This is all about the male primitive
instinct to go out and kill something
and drag it back to the hut,
so you can feed your family.
You sure as hell don't
wanna come home to your hut
and find out that your wife has
dragged in something bigger!
My God, Hayden.
We don't live in
the stone age anymore.
Maybe you don't,
but I do.
And so do most
of the guys that I know!
All right, Hayden, if you want me to
apologize for not telling you, I apologize.
But if you want me to apologize for
how much money I make, forget it.
I work damn hard for my
money and you know that.
Maybe I do,
maybe I don't.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
1 will tell you what the
hell that's supposed to mean.
Honey, honey, hard work is
taking sixty untrained kids
and turning them into
a well-oiled machine.
Sweetheart, it's not sitting in a
make-up chair for two and half hours,
and then just going out and
delivering the news for 20 minutes.
Okay.
You're upset,
you've had a blow to your ego,
and because of that, you're saying
things that are more stupid than usual.
So, let's just cut this off right
now before both of us go too far.
Wait a minute, honey, honey, honey,
I wasn't trying to insult you.
Christine, you know how proud I
am of you and the work you do.
Come on, I watch all
those other newscasts.
Sweetheart, those women are
not near as pretty as you are.
And I mean that, Christine.
lam not just trying to flatter you.
But I think what would be
very good for our relationship
if we're both willing to admit that...
Hey, come on now,
you get paid an awful
lot of money for a job
where the only skill that's needed
is just the ability to read.
Huh?
That's true, Hayden.
And you get paid a lot for a job
that doesn't even require that.
Well, that's a
low blow, honey.
If I'm going to hit you,
Hayden, I have to aim low.
Don't think I didn't
get that, Christine.
Look, I didn't
start this.
If your sense of self esteem is
tied up in how much money you make,
there's nothing I can do about that.
I think it's sad.
I think it's sick.
I think it's perverse.
But then, that's you.
Where you going,
honey?
Back to my make-up chair
in Minneapolis.
When you pull yourself up out of this
primordial ooze you seem to be wallowing in,
take a shower and then give me a call.
Until then, goodbye.
Obviously missed
the whole point.
I'm going to leave
the steaks out on the porch.
When you get hungry,
you can drag them back in.
HOWARD: Forget it, Hayden.
lam not giving you a raise.
Why not?
Because you're only six months
into a three-year contract.
I signed that contract under
false pretences, Howard.
What false pretenses?
Under the false pretenses that I thought
I made more money than Christine!
Why are you letting
this drive you so crazy?
Why don't you just ride that
Armstrong gravy train and enjoy?
Howard, man,
either I get a raise or I quit!
Oh, you're not quitting. If you do,
we'll sue you for everything you've got.
I haven't got anything!
All right, then we'll wait
till you marry Christine.
We'll sue you for
everything she's got.
Oh, man...
No raise, huh?
Hayden, maybe you ought to
just drop the whole thing.
What do you mean,
"drop the whole thing"?
I can't have my future wife
making more money than me, Luther.
I'm just not put
together that way.
Jeez, I feel like
a gigolo or something.
I feel like that boob who's
married to the Queen of England.
Hayden, if you really
wanna make some extra money,
why don't you do what the other coaches
do, take out some endorsements?
Hey that's not a bad idea.
That's what Terrance Moses is doing.
Yeah, ever since he became head
coach of the basketball team,
he's been making a fortune
on those sneaker ads.
Well, I haven't been offered
any sneaker ads, okay?
Oh, you were offered that endorsement
last year at the coaches' conference.
What endorsement
was that?
You know, that guy from,
what was it? Universal...
Universal Athletic Apparel.
What was his name?
You mean the jock straps?
Somebody's got
to endorse them.
Those things don't
sell themselves.
That's true, they did want to
build a whole campaign around me.
"Hayden Fox for
Universal jocks."
Here it is, why don't you
at least give him a call?
That's not a bad idea, you know,
maybe endorsing jock straps
is just what I need
to make me feel better.
Got a liver spot there
you might want to cover.
Okay, ready to go?
Wally Krastack,
Universal Athletic Apparel.
Hayden, welcome
to the Universal family.
Thanks. These are two of my assistants,
Luther Van Dam and Dauber Dybinski.
Okay, so that we don't take
up too much of your time,
why don't you just
step on in here?
Okay.
Perfect.
Hey, Wally, is what
I'm wearing okay?
Super.
Because I thought a suit would be a nice
image for the product and everything.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
it is, it's great.
Is my hair okay?
Is it yours?
Yeah.
Then keep it.
Tell me something,
how does this work, Wally?
'Cause I got to tell you,
this looks pretty crummy.
Okay, let me explain
that to you.
This is crummy.
But, see, this is just
a neutral background.
Our art department has already
composed an elaborate layout.
It's fantastic.
Really smart.
So, we're just gonna take your
picture and then superimpose it.
Just so I get
this straight now,
you guys are gonna pay me for taking my
picture and using my name, is that right?
That's all.
That's great.
Did you sign the contract?
Oh, yeah.
Great.
Did you read it?
Not yet.
Great.
Before I forget, Universal wanted
you guys to have some free samples.
So, let's see, Pop, what are you?
About a medium, huh?
And, for Thor over here,
I'd say an extra large, right?
Okay, let's take some
pictures, what do you say, huh?
All right.
Smile, Hayden, and remember,
the better you look, the better we look.
All right, okay.
There you go.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
This one's good.
LUTHER: Hayden.
Hayden.
Hello, what's this?
Universal Athletic Apparel.
This is it,
this is the check.
Hayden!
Hayden!
Luther.
Hayden!
Luther!
Hayden!
Luther!
Hayden, where are you?
I'm in the team room.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were you doing
standing behind the door?
Well, I was waiting
for you, you boob.
Hey, Hayden your check came.
This is it, let's go open it.
Well, let me open it,
give me that.
This is really exciting.
I've never known anybody
that got a check that big.
Me neither.
Well, that's not true.
Beth got one from me when we got divorced,
but this is the biggest
one I've ever gotten.
Wow! Luther,
look at that.
Hey, where's Dauber?
I want him to see this too.
He's down at Duke's Sporting Goods.
Your campaign opened today.
He's down there
buying a box of jocks.
Figured maybe,
the first one,
you might want to take,
and I don't know,
frame it or bronze it
or something.
Yeah. Now, if I can just get
Christine to speak to me,
I feel like my life's
gonna be back on track.
You know, Hayden,
this baby here could just be the beginning.
I mean, if people like this,
it can open up all kinds of endorsements.
That's true. I'll start my own
company, "Hayden Fox Endorsements.”
"You make it,
I'll endorse it."
Boy, I'll tell you...
Hi.
HAYDEN AND LUTHER: Hey, Daub!
Did you pick up a couple of
boxes of Hayden Fox jocks?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I started to, but
something caught my eye.
Oh yeah, what?
Well, they got this big
display down at Duke's
with a life-sized cut-out of
you standing right next to it.
Hey, no kidding!
There you go.
Wally went all out,
didn't he?
I've got to pick up
a couple of those things.
Oh, I did.
You did? Well, bring them
in Daub, let me see them.
Okay.
Oh, jeez,
I can't wait to see this.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Oh, I feel like...
What the hell
is this?
That's not me!
Think you've been
superimposed.
Well, this is disgusting!
I didn't pose for this!
Man, I'm standing there in nothing but a jock.
That's not even
my body!
1 didn't think
that was your body.
I remember when I saw you
and Christine in the pool...
Oh, would you
shut up, Luther?
Dauber, they don't have me on
the boxes like this, do they?
Yeah, with a coupon on the back
so you can send away for a poster.
Oh, man!
All right,
take it easy.
I mean, I know it's a little embarrassing,
but after all, it is a sporting goods store.
At least they don't have you
plastered all over town.
Dad, have you
seen these?
Where did you
get those?
At the student union!
What?
They're in the window
of the campus store.
What the hell
am I doing in there?
Causing a riot.
Dad, I have to go
to school here.
What made you do this?
1 didn't do this, Kelly!
I was superimposed.
Hayden, have you seen this?
Holy Toledo!
Where did you
get that, Howard?
In the pro-shop
at the golf course.
Can you imagine playing eighteen
holes, coming in and seeing this?
My God, they got you
plastered all over town!
This is like
a nightmare.
I swear to you,
If Dr. Tewksbury sees this,
we're in a heck
of a lot of trouble.
Maybe we can go around town
and offer to buy them all up.
How do we get
the jock straps?
We'll buy those too,
we'll buy every one in the city.
STUART: How we gonna
pay for all of this?
We got Hayden's check.
No, no, no, not the check.
Not the check.
You know, this is the only
good thing I got out of this.
Well, it's either that or be the
laughingstock of the whole school.
Believe me, Hayden,
it's no fun.
I'm sorry, Dad.
No, you don't have
to be sorry, sweetheart.
It's just another bag on
the garbage heap of my life.
CHRISTINE: Hayden.
Oh, my God.
Christine?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What are you
doing here, Christine?
We have a fight,
we don't talk for a while,
which I figure is just
as well. We're cooling off.
Tonight, I get home from work, I open my
drapes, and on the billboard, across the street,
I see a 15-foot picture of you
wearing a hot pink jock strap.
And a body I know I've
never spent the night with.
I think, okay,
I'm... I'm marrying this man,
I should find out
just how deranged he is.
Jeez!
You mean,
there's a billboard too?
What have you gotten
yourself into, Hayden?
Oh, a mess, Christine,
I mean, a really big mess.
Are you supposed
to distribute all these?
No.
Golly, I've been running around town like
a maniac all day trying to buy them back.
How could you
let this happen?
I was just trying
to get us even, honey.
I was just trying
to make a buck.
You know, other people do it,
they do pretty well.
You know, they go out in
moonlight and all that but...
Oh, no, the minute I try it, hell,
I end up mooning the whole state of Minnesota.
So, you still haven't gotten over the
fact that I make more money than you?
Oh, Christine, you know me,
I don't get over these things
till something
like this happens.
Hayden, don't you know that
everything I love about you
has absolutely nothing to do
with how much money you make?
I mean, I assume you don't love
me for how much money I make.
No, I hate you for
the money you make.
Would it help you if I was
struggling and hopelessly
dependant on you for
every single crumb I got?
Yeah, but I can't ask you
to do that, sweetheart.
Look, I know we're both
competitive people
but it's silly for us to
compete against each other.
We're supposed
to be a team now.
(SIGHS)
I know it sounds corny but what's yours is
mine, what's mine is yours.
Well, I hope you socked some of yours away
because I spent all mine on jock straps.
Don't worry,
I socked enough away for both of us.
Oh, well, that makes
me feel just great.
Hayden, you don't always have
to be the one who's stronger.
If you let me,
I can be a pretty good partner.
Christine, I know that.
I know you can.
But I mean, deep down inside my gut,
I feel like I'm supposed to be the strong one.
Like I'm supposed
to be the protector.
I think deep down inside of your
gut, you feel the same way too.
I can't deny I sleep better at
night knowing you're beside me.
But that's not because
you're stronger.
That's because
there's comfort
in togetherness.
And life is better when
you've got some support.
I got support covered.
filmed before a studio audience.
Towel for you.
Towel for me.
Thank you. I will go change
and meet you at the pool.
Oh, Christine, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
What do you say we go
skinny-dipping tonight?
Oh, Hayden, I'm not gonna go
swimming naked in the college pool.
Why not?
It'll be fun, it'll be
wet, it'll be sexy.
Plus we'll dry quicker.
This is a public building,
anybody could just walk in and see us.
Honey, I'm not ashamed of my
body and I'm very proud of yours.
Besides, the building
is locked.
Come on, we've been coming here almost every Sunday.
We haven't seen anybody yet.
I'm not gonna do it.
Christine, wait.
Think about jumping
into that warm water,
arms wrapped
around each other.
I give you a long
tender kiss.
And the water gently laps
against our glistening bodies.
My skin touches your skin and
your skin returns the favor.
Please?
Please?
Are you positive
the building's locked?
I'm positive.
Okay.
Last one in the pool has to
walk back to the office naked.
Oh, wait, wait.
(WHISTLING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Hayden, can we talk?
You mind if I leave
my clothes on?
You know, I'm really
sorry about last night.
You know, Luther, I really don't
want to talk about last night.
No, I have to talk
about last night.
Ever since I saw you
and Christine naked,
I just can't get it
out of my mind.
I'm telling you, Luther,
I really don't want to talk about it.
Was Christine upset?
Little.
She slept with her
coat on all night.
If this makes you feel any better,
I really didn't see that much.
Luther, can we
just drop it?
Maybe, I saw a little,
but I didn't...
Hey, Luther,
come on, all right?
Let's just drop it.
I really don't want to know.
Okay, okay.
Christine works out,
doesn't she?
Hey, guys.
Hey, did you see the article about
Christine in this month's Minnesota Life?
Yeah, that's right,
that was supposed to be out this week.
Oh, let me see it.
Yeah, It's got a
great picture of her.
Yeah, she's a great
looking lady.
You know,
I always knew that Christine
is good at what she does.
But I had no idea
how much money she makes.
What do you mean?
They mentioned her salary.
No wonder she's always
in such a good mood.
How much she make?
Holy mackerel.
How much she make?
A lot.
According to this,
she makes more than I do.
You're kidding.
She makes a lot
more than he does.
Hey, Dauber,
come on.
Hey, I don't know what you're
so upset about, Hayden.
You're marrying a girl
who makes big money,
and the nicest person
in the whole world.
And doesn't have
an ounce of fat on her.
I wouldn't let this
bother you, Coach.
Well, of course it's gonna bother
me, Dauber, come on!
I've known Christine
for four years,
I had no idea she made
this kind of money.
With this amount
of dough rolling in,
what the heck is she
gonna need Hayden Fox for?
Maybe as a dependent.
Wouldn't that put her
in a lower tax bracket?
Hayden, so Christine's more successful than you.
What's the big deal?
Christine is not more
successful than me.
Just because she
makes more money,
does not mean that she's more
successful than me, Luther.
1 will tell you something.
There are a lot of successful people in
this country who hardly make a thing.
Like who?
I don't know,
Ralph Nader.
I think Ralph Nader
does okay.
Can we just drop this?
We got a lot more
important things to do
than just sitting around
and reading stupid magazines.
And I don't wanna hear another word
about how much Christine Armstrong makes.
Well, good morning, Luther.
Hey, Howard.
Dauber.
Rockefeller.
Oh, jeez.
Quite an impressive
article about Christine.
I was just in the john,
I read the whole thing.
Howard,
if you came here on
business, state it.
If you came here
to tease me,
you can just take your cue-ball
head right out of here.
I didn't come in
here to tease you.
I came in here on
avery important matter.
What is it?
Would you get Christine
to buy me a sports car?
That's it, you're
out, you're out!
(SINGING) You're in the money,
{ think it's funny,
I know you don't,
that makes it twice as funny to me
(ADDING MACHINE CLICKING)
Hey, Christine.
Surprise!
Yeah, hey, what are you
doing here on Monday night?
They're televising a North Stars
game, so they pre-empted the news.
I picked up a couple of
steaks, a bottle of champagne.
I thought we
could celebrate.
Celebrate what?
The article in Minnesota
Life came out today.
Oh, the phone didn't stop ringing.
Everybody loved it.
It just made me feel
like a million bucks.
(CHUCKLING)
Did you happen to see it?
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah, Dauber had a copy and
Howard Burleigh had a copy.
A lot of people had copies,
I was just choking on copies.
What's the matter?
What...
Was there something
about it that bothered you?
Well, there's one little thing that
kind of burned my shorts, yeah.
Christine, how come you never told
me how much money you made, honey?
Is that a problem?
Were you aware that you
made more money than me?
Is that what
this is about?
I'm asking the questions
here, Christine.
Were you aware that you
made more money than me?
I don't know.
I never thought about it.
You never thought about it?
No. Why, did you?
Hey, I am asking the questions
here, Christine.
I mean, based on that
figure in the article,
I find it very hard
to believe that
it never occurred to you that
you made more money than me.
It may have
occurred to me.
Aha!
What?
Well, aha, it did occur to
you, you knew.
And you were purposely
hiding it from me.
Oh, I was not!
Well, then, Christine,
if the thought had occurred to you,
how come you never
brought it up?
I don't know.
Maybe I wanted to avoid
a scene like this.
Avoid...
Okay, aha, again!
You're purposefully hiding it from
me because you knew I'd get upset.
Oh, this is crazy.
I can't believe,
in this day and age,
you're feeling insecure because
I make more money than you.
Well, it's not just me.
Any man would, in any
day, in any age, honey!
This is ridiculous!
This is not ridiculous!
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, no.
This is basic biological
male/female stuff.
This goes back to the
beginning of people.
This is all about the male primitive
instinct to go out and kill something
and drag it back to the hut,
so you can feed your family.
You sure as hell don't
wanna come home to your hut
and find out that your wife has
dragged in something bigger!
My God, Hayden.
We don't live in
the stone age anymore.
Maybe you don't,
but I do.
And so do most
of the guys that I know!
All right, Hayden, if you want me to
apologize for not telling you, I apologize.
But if you want me to apologize for
how much money I make, forget it.
I work damn hard for my
money and you know that.
Maybe I do,
maybe I don't.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
1 will tell you what the
hell that's supposed to mean.
Honey, honey, hard work is
taking sixty untrained kids
and turning them into
a well-oiled machine.
Sweetheart, it's not sitting in a
make-up chair for two and half hours,
and then just going out and
delivering the news for 20 minutes.
Okay.
You're upset,
you've had a blow to your ego,
and because of that, you're saying
things that are more stupid than usual.
So, let's just cut this off right
now before both of us go too far.
Wait a minute, honey, honey, honey,
I wasn't trying to insult you.
Christine, you know how proud I
am of you and the work you do.
Come on, I watch all
those other newscasts.
Sweetheart, those women are
not near as pretty as you are.
And I mean that, Christine.
lam not just trying to flatter you.
But I think what would be
very good for our relationship
if we're both willing to admit that...
Hey, come on now,
you get paid an awful
lot of money for a job
where the only skill that's needed
is just the ability to read.
Huh?
That's true, Hayden.
And you get paid a lot for a job
that doesn't even require that.
Well, that's a
low blow, honey.
If I'm going to hit you,
Hayden, I have to aim low.
Don't think I didn't
get that, Christine.
Look, I didn't
start this.
If your sense of self esteem is
tied up in how much money you make,
there's nothing I can do about that.
I think it's sad.
I think it's sick.
I think it's perverse.
But then, that's you.
Where you going,
honey?
Back to my make-up chair
in Minneapolis.
When you pull yourself up out of this
primordial ooze you seem to be wallowing in,
take a shower and then give me a call.
Until then, goodbye.
Obviously missed
the whole point.
I'm going to leave
the steaks out on the porch.
When you get hungry,
you can drag them back in.
HOWARD: Forget it, Hayden.
lam not giving you a raise.
Why not?
Because you're only six months
into a three-year contract.
I signed that contract under
false pretences, Howard.
What false pretenses?
Under the false pretenses that I thought
I made more money than Christine!
Why are you letting
this drive you so crazy?
Why don't you just ride that
Armstrong gravy train and enjoy?
Howard, man,
either I get a raise or I quit!
Oh, you're not quitting. If you do,
we'll sue you for everything you've got.
I haven't got anything!
All right, then we'll wait
till you marry Christine.
We'll sue you for
everything she's got.
Oh, man...
No raise, huh?
Hayden, maybe you ought to
just drop the whole thing.
What do you mean,
"drop the whole thing"?
I can't have my future wife
making more money than me, Luther.
I'm just not put
together that way.
Jeez, I feel like
a gigolo or something.
I feel like that boob who's
married to the Queen of England.
Hayden, if you really
wanna make some extra money,
why don't you do what the other coaches
do, take out some endorsements?
Hey that's not a bad idea.
That's what Terrance Moses is doing.
Yeah, ever since he became head
coach of the basketball team,
he's been making a fortune
on those sneaker ads.
Well, I haven't been offered
any sneaker ads, okay?
Oh, you were offered that endorsement
last year at the coaches' conference.
What endorsement
was that?
You know, that guy from,
what was it? Universal...
Universal Athletic Apparel.
What was his name?
You mean the jock straps?
Somebody's got
to endorse them.
Those things don't
sell themselves.
That's true, they did want to
build a whole campaign around me.
"Hayden Fox for
Universal jocks."
Here it is, why don't you
at least give him a call?
That's not a bad idea, you know,
maybe endorsing jock straps
is just what I need
to make me feel better.
Got a liver spot there
you might want to cover.
Okay, ready to go?
Wally Krastack,
Universal Athletic Apparel.
Hayden, welcome
to the Universal family.
Thanks. These are two of my assistants,
Luther Van Dam and Dauber Dybinski.
Okay, so that we don't take
up too much of your time,
why don't you just
step on in here?
Okay.
Perfect.
Hey, Wally, is what
I'm wearing okay?
Super.
Because I thought a suit would be a nice
image for the product and everything.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
it is, it's great.
Is my hair okay?
Is it yours?
Yeah.
Then keep it.
Tell me something,
how does this work, Wally?
'Cause I got to tell you,
this looks pretty crummy.
Okay, let me explain
that to you.
This is crummy.
But, see, this is just
a neutral background.
Our art department has already
composed an elaborate layout.
It's fantastic.
Really smart.
So, we're just gonna take your
picture and then superimpose it.
Just so I get
this straight now,
you guys are gonna pay me for taking my
picture and using my name, is that right?
That's all.
That's great.
Did you sign the contract?
Oh, yeah.
Great.
Did you read it?
Not yet.
Great.
Before I forget, Universal wanted
you guys to have some free samples.
So, let's see, Pop, what are you?
About a medium, huh?
And, for Thor over here,
I'd say an extra large, right?
Okay, let's take some
pictures, what do you say, huh?
All right.
Smile, Hayden, and remember,
the better you look, the better we look.
All right, okay.
There you go.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
This one's good.
LUTHER: Hayden.
Hayden.
Hello, what's this?
Universal Athletic Apparel.
This is it,
this is the check.
Hayden!
Hayden!
Luther.
Hayden!
Luther!
Hayden!
Luther!
Hayden, where are you?
I'm in the team room.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were you doing
standing behind the door?
Well, I was waiting
for you, you boob.
Hey, Hayden your check came.
This is it, let's go open it.
Well, let me open it,
give me that.
This is really exciting.
I've never known anybody
that got a check that big.
Me neither.
Well, that's not true.
Beth got one from me when we got divorced,
but this is the biggest
one I've ever gotten.
Wow! Luther,
look at that.
Hey, where's Dauber?
I want him to see this too.
He's down at Duke's Sporting Goods.
Your campaign opened today.
He's down there
buying a box of jocks.
Figured maybe,
the first one,
you might want to take,
and I don't know,
frame it or bronze it
or something.
Yeah. Now, if I can just get
Christine to speak to me,
I feel like my life's
gonna be back on track.
You know, Hayden,
this baby here could just be the beginning.
I mean, if people like this,
it can open up all kinds of endorsements.
That's true. I'll start my own
company, "Hayden Fox Endorsements.”
"You make it,
I'll endorse it."
Boy, I'll tell you...
Hi.
HAYDEN AND LUTHER: Hey, Daub!
Did you pick up a couple of
boxes of Hayden Fox jocks?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I started to, but
something caught my eye.
Oh yeah, what?
Well, they got this big
display down at Duke's
with a life-sized cut-out of
you standing right next to it.
Hey, no kidding!
There you go.
Wally went all out,
didn't he?
I've got to pick up
a couple of those things.
Oh, I did.
You did? Well, bring them
in Daub, let me see them.
Okay.
Oh, jeez,
I can't wait to see this.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Oh, I feel like...
What the hell
is this?
That's not me!
Think you've been
superimposed.
Well, this is disgusting!
I didn't pose for this!
Man, I'm standing there in nothing but a jock.
That's not even
my body!
1 didn't think
that was your body.
I remember when I saw you
and Christine in the pool...
Oh, would you
shut up, Luther?
Dauber, they don't have me on
the boxes like this, do they?
Yeah, with a coupon on the back
so you can send away for a poster.
Oh, man!
All right,
take it easy.
I mean, I know it's a little embarrassing,
but after all, it is a sporting goods store.
At least they don't have you
plastered all over town.
Dad, have you
seen these?
Where did you
get those?
At the student union!
What?
They're in the window
of the campus store.
What the hell
am I doing in there?
Causing a riot.
Dad, I have to go
to school here.
What made you do this?
1 didn't do this, Kelly!
I was superimposed.
Hayden, have you seen this?
Holy Toledo!
Where did you
get that, Howard?
In the pro-shop
at the golf course.
Can you imagine playing eighteen
holes, coming in and seeing this?
My God, they got you
plastered all over town!
This is like
a nightmare.
I swear to you,
If Dr. Tewksbury sees this,
we're in a heck
of a lot of trouble.
Maybe we can go around town
and offer to buy them all up.
How do we get
the jock straps?
We'll buy those too,
we'll buy every one in the city.
STUART: How we gonna
pay for all of this?
We got Hayden's check.
No, no, no, not the check.
Not the check.
You know, this is the only
good thing I got out of this.
Well, it's either that or be the
laughingstock of the whole school.
Believe me, Hayden,
it's no fun.
I'm sorry, Dad.
No, you don't have
to be sorry, sweetheart.
It's just another bag on
the garbage heap of my life.
CHRISTINE: Hayden.
Oh, my God.
Christine?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What are you
doing here, Christine?
We have a fight,
we don't talk for a while,
which I figure is just
as well. We're cooling off.
Tonight, I get home from work, I open my
drapes, and on the billboard, across the street,
I see a 15-foot picture of you
wearing a hot pink jock strap.
And a body I know I've
never spent the night with.
I think, okay,
I'm... I'm marrying this man,
I should find out
just how deranged he is.
Jeez!
You mean,
there's a billboard too?
What have you gotten
yourself into, Hayden?
Oh, a mess, Christine,
I mean, a really big mess.
Are you supposed
to distribute all these?
No.
Golly, I've been running around town like
a maniac all day trying to buy them back.
How could you
let this happen?
I was just trying
to get us even, honey.
I was just trying
to make a buck.
You know, other people do it,
they do pretty well.
You know, they go out in
moonlight and all that but...
Oh, no, the minute I try it, hell,
I end up mooning the whole state of Minnesota.
So, you still haven't gotten over the
fact that I make more money than you?
Oh, Christine, you know me,
I don't get over these things
till something
like this happens.
Hayden, don't you know that
everything I love about you
has absolutely nothing to do
with how much money you make?
I mean, I assume you don't love
me for how much money I make.
No, I hate you for
the money you make.
Would it help you if I was
struggling and hopelessly
dependant on you for
every single crumb I got?
Yeah, but I can't ask you
to do that, sweetheart.
Look, I know we're both
competitive people
but it's silly for us to
compete against each other.
We're supposed
to be a team now.
(SIGHS)
I know it sounds corny but what's yours is
mine, what's mine is yours.
Well, I hope you socked some of yours away
because I spent all mine on jock straps.
Don't worry,
I socked enough away for both of us.
Oh, well, that makes
me feel just great.
Hayden, you don't always have
to be the one who's stronger.
If you let me,
I can be a pretty good partner.
Christine, I know that.
I know you can.
But I mean, deep down inside my gut,
I feel like I'm supposed to be the strong one.
Like I'm supposed
to be the protector.
I think deep down inside of your
gut, you feel the same way too.
I can't deny I sleep better at
night knowing you're beside me.
But that's not because
you're stronger.
That's because
there's comfort
in togetherness.
And life is better when
you've got some support.
I got support covered.