Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Marion Kind: Part 2 - full transcript

CHRISTINE:
Last week on Coach,

Luther found out that his old friend
Peter Plunkett was coming to town.

Except Luther didn't
want to see him.

'Cause I hate him.

It turned out
that 37 years ago,

Peter stole Luther's girlfriend and
married her while Luther was in the Army.

Oh, Luther,
you must have been devastated.

Devastated?
I was prostate.

So, { suggested
a dinner party,

so they could patch things up
after all these years.

When Peter arrived,
his wife wasn't with him.



She's dead?

That's partly why
I'm here, actually.

I'm just now
starting to recover.

Jeez, I can't believe
Laraine's dead.

Oh, for God's sakes, Luther,
show a little sensitivity.

The man's wife
has passed away.

Quit beating a dead horse.

We'd also invited my neighbor from across the
hall, Marion, to be Luther's date.

But when she arrived,
she and Peter really hit it off.

(MARION LAUGHING)

I haven't danced like that
since high school.

This got Luther
even more prostate.

And before we knew it,
he was hitting it off with Peter.

Oh, my God! Both of you,
knock it off, knock it off!



Come on,
break it up.

Break it up!

But somehow we got
everything patched up

and Luther and Peter
were friends again.

Until the next morning,
when Hayden went out to get the paper

and discovered Marion
had had an overnight guest.

CHRISTINE: Peter and Marion
spent the night together?

There you go, Christine.
Another match made in hell.

Poor Luther,
I just feel terrible.

If only he would realize that
Marion is not his girlfriend.

I mean, Marion is single,
Peter is single.

They are two
consenting adults.

Oh, hell, she'll consent
to anything.

Oh, God, she went out with
Luther one time last year,

and she spent
the night with him.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Marion, Peter.

Well, oh, my!
What a pleasant surprise.

Can we come in?

Well, of course.

Can I get you two
some coffee or tea?

Maybe a cigarette?

Hayden.

It's all right, Christine.
It's a little awkward for all of us.

We're here
to explain.

Oh, no, you don't owe us
any explanation.

Well, I don't know,

I think I'd like
to hear an explanation.

Well, you left
here with Luther,

how the hell did you
end up with her?

Well, when Luther
drove away last night,

I was going to go back to the hotel,
wring out some socks and go to bed.

And then
I thought I'd go

and apologize to Marion for
the way Luther and I behaved.

And we started
talking and...

Once again you stole
Luther's girl.

I am not Luther's girl.
I am not anybody's girl.

Well, from where I stand,
you seem to be everybody's girl.

Hayden!

The point is,
Luther thinks she's his girl.

And this is
going to kill him.

Which is why we came over. The last thing
in the world we want to do is hurt Luther.

Exactly.

I hurt Luther once before,
I don't want to do it again.

We just thought that you two might
know the decent way to handle this.

Yeah, I do.
Hide it from him.

What? Yeah,
pretend it never happened.

If he asks, we lie.

We just take it
to our graves.

Hayden, they can't do that.
Why not?

It was just a cheap
one night stand.

Oh, Hayden!

I am sorry, Marion.

Look, what I am trying to say,
he is going to Europe,

they're never going to see
each other again.

Well, now that's
not entirely true.

Huh?

Peter's asked me to go to Europe
with him and I've accepted.

We're leaving this afternoon.
What?

I know it's crazy,
but we're in love.

Already?

I know, Christine,
it's the last thing in the world I expected,

but this is
absolutely magical.

It's kismet.

I must admit,
it is romantic.

Do ll live in a world
by myself?

Hayden, Hayden, I...

I mean, if they really
have fallen in love...

Well, they've only known
each other for 11 hours!

Give her another 11 hours,
she'll love somebody else!

Just a second, Hayden,
you're talking about the woman I love.

We're also talking about
the man who drives me nuts.

And all I'm saying,
Luther should never find out about this.

Won't he have
to know eventually?

I mean, what if we
decide to get married?

Not that
I'm rushing things.

And for once,
Hayden may be right.

Maybe in the future sometime
Luther can handle this,

but right now,
I just think it's too fresh.

You know, darling,
they may have a point.

Well, if this is still as magical
when you guys get back from Europe,

we'll talk about it.
But for now, mum is the word.

That's what we'll do then,
and thanks for the advice.

Luther is lucky to
have friends like you.

Well, he needs friends like us
with friends like you.

I hate to run,
but I have to pack.

I understand.
Have a good time.

There go two of the sleaziest
people I've ever met my whole life.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

DAUBER: Come on, Stuart!

Think of those muscles
turning to steel.

Dauber, should that vein be
sticking so far out of his forehead?

Hey, that's got a long way
to go before it blows.

Come on, Stu, go!
Come on, honey.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Yes!

Okay, that's one.

(GROANS)

Come on, my little Hercules,
don't give up!

HAYDEN: Dauber!

In here, Coach.

(PANTING)

(GROANING)

What the hell
is he doing?

Stuart's tired
of being a weenie,

so we're pumping him up.

It's a good idea.
I'm tired of him being a weenie, too.

Where's our recruiting
update, Daub?

I'll get it for you.

Hey, if that vein pops,
Kelly, I'm not cleaning it up.

DAUBER: You don't seem to
be in a very good mood.

Don't start
talking about my mood.

There's nothing wrong
with my mood.

I had a bad night
and a bad morning.

It's been a bad
couple of days.

I'm not looking forward
to a great afternoon, either.

It's been a lousy life,
that's all.

Where's Luther?

Minneapolis Airport.

What?

Why? What? Why?

What's he doing
at the Minneapolis Airport?

Well, he said he was going
to see Peter off on his trip.

Oh, my God, Dauber!

If Luther goes up
to Minneapolis Airport

and spots Peter and Marion,
this whole thing's going to fall apart.

Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.

What whole thing?

Jeez, never mind,
I've got to get to the Minneapolis Airport.

I just have to keep pinching
myself to believe this is real.

This is the most impulsive
thing I've ever done.

Do you think I have time to get
some magazines before we board?

Sure.
Can I get something for you?

No, I'll probably just be
looking at you the whole trip.

Peter!
Luther!

Hey, Pete, I caught you.

Caught me?

Yeah, before you left,
I wanted to see you off.

Oh, that's swell.

Yeah.

Nervous about the flight, huh?
You're smoking.

I am now.

I don't blame you,
flying makes me nervous, too.

Especially to Europe.

You're over all that ocean,
you know, if the plane ditches,

that's it, like a rock.

On top of that,
you're flying alone.

You know, they may be boarding
now, I'd better go check.

Excuse me,
are we boarding yet?

Not for about another
fifteen minutes.

Any way I could get
on the plane first?

I'm afraid not.

Well, they want me
on the plane.

It's nice of you
to come and see me off.

Well, I'm not leaving.
I'm going to stay and watch the plane take off.

Oh, you are?

Yeah, I love to watch
planes take off anyway.

The way the wheels
fold back up.

Hi, Marion.
Marion!

Luther!

Hey, Peter, look.
Marion's here.

Hi, Marion.

You came to see
him off, too?

What a surprise.

Didn't expect
to see you again.

This is fun.

Oh, Peter.

Peter,
I can't do this.

We have to
tell him the truth.

Okay, we'll go that way.

What truth are you...
What do you mean?

Luther,
let's sit down.

Sitting is bad.

(SIGHS)

Luther, I don't know
how to tell you this,

except just to come
right out and say it.

Peter and I are going
to Europe together.

Huh?

I'm so sorry.

The last thing in the world
we wanted to do is hurt you,

but Peter and I have fallen in
love and I'm going with him.

Huh?

Oh, you dog!

Oh!

You dirty, rotten, low-down,
junkyard dog!

It's all right, folks.
We're old friends.

You snake!

You worm!

You flea-bitten,
rotten, hungry,

no good

dog!

Luther, you're
causing a scene.

I'm causing
the scene?

You're the one who slept
with my best friend!

Luther, I know this isn't easy for you.
It isn't easy for any of us.

Well, it's a heck of a lot
easier for you than it is for me.

You dog,
I just can't believe it!

I can't believe you.

The worst part of it,
you weren't even going to tell me about it.

Well, we wanted to tell you,
but Hayden told us not to.

Huh?

Hayden told you not to?

I... That is the...
How can he...

I'm going to faint.

I can't believe it,

this is you and Laraine
all over again.

Luther's coming!
Luther's coming!

Go to Europe!
Go to Europe!

Hello, Hayden.

Luther!

Okay.

I'm just here
to be supportive.

It's no use, Hayden.
We told him the truth.

Even though you
told them not to.

We had to tell him.

Why?

What happened to taking
this to our graves, Marion?

You couldn't even
take it down the jet ramp!

How could you
do this to me?

You were supposed
to be on my side.

L'am on
your side, Luth.

You are not on my side.
Nobody's on my side.

Peter was supposed to be my best
friend, he betrayed me.

Then you were my best friend,
you betrayed me, too.

Hey, Luther,
I didn't betray you.

I just did what
I thought was best.

Jeez, the last thing in the
world I want to do is hurt you.

Well, that's what
she said!

If the last thing in the world
everybody wants to do is hurt me,

then how come it's the
first thing everybody does?

Hey, can we just sit down
and talk about this?

I'm not gonna
sit down here,

in an airport, in front of a bunch of
strangers, and pour my guts out.

I'm getting
out of here!

Wait a minute.
No, I'm leaving!

Where are you going?

I'm going to go out on the runway,
lay in front of a jet, let it run over me.

Now,

do you get a sense of why
I didn't want to tell him?

Well, if you see
Luther, let me know.

Thanks.

Well, he's not at
The Touchdown Club.

Well, he can't have
just disappeared.

I'm beginning to think this
whole thing really was my fault.

Oh, now, Christine,
don't blame yourself.

Well, you've really done it this
time, Christine.

We have looked everywhere.

Luther's just gone.

It's not
Christine's fault.

It is Christine's fault.
It's everybody's fault, except mine.

It's your fault, Christine,
for having that dinner party.

And it's your fault, Casanova,
for hitting on "Dime a Dance" Marion here.

Hayden!

And it's your fault, Marion,
because you can't spend a night by yourself.

If you're lonely,
for God's sakes, get a cat.

Nowhere in sight, Coach.
I looked all over town.

Did you try that greasy smorgasbord
he eats at all the time?

First place I looked.
No one's seen him since breakfast.

Well, he's not
at his apartment.

Are you sure?
Maybe he's just not answering the door.

We thought of that.

We went around back, and Kelly lifted
me up so l could look through the window.

He's not there.

Where the hell
could he be?

Maybe Luther has
a secret hiding place

where he goes when
he's upset, like you do.

Come on, Christine, if Luther had a
secret hiding place, I'd know about it.

Besides, he wouldn't have a secret
hiding place of his own, he'd use mine.

Mine. That's where...
He's at my secret hiding place.

A grown man has
a secret hiding place?

You know, Marion,
if ll were you,

I would not start throwing stones
about personal conduct here.

Hey, I'm gonna
go up there.

I'm going with you.
Oh, no, you don't.

Luther and I are the only
two guys in the world

that know about
the secret hiding place.

I ought to do
this by myself.

Hayden, I want to go.
I want to make it up to Luther.

I give you my word of honor,
1 will not tell anyone where it is.

If you don't trust me,
blindfold me.

Okay, come on.

(BANJO PLAYING)

(LUTHER SINGING)
Since my baby left me

I found a new place to dwell

I've got no girl
I've got no life

My friends can go to hell

I get so lonely, baby

I get so lonely, baby

I get so lonely, I could die

Die, die, die

Die

That's better.

HAYDEN: Luther?

Hey, Luth?

Luth, can we talk?

Luther, I can see you under
the cot. You can come out now.

I can't.

Yeah, well,
I know there are

times in your life when you feel
like crawling away and hiding...

I mean, I can't because my
belt buckle's stuck on a nail.

Luth,

I know you feel like you
don't have any friends,

and I just want you to know
that's not true.

I'm still your
friend

and, you know, the only reason I lied to you
is 'cause I was just trying to protect you.

Who elected you
my protector?

I don't need anybody
to protect me.

I can handle
my own life.

Well, Luth, you know,
you came over to my cabin all panic-stricken

'cause you didn't wanna meet
Peter Plunkett all by yourself,

and then, you threatened to have
a jet run you over on a runway.

And then, I come up
here in the fire tower

and find you curled up under
the cot playing your banjo.

Based on all that, I don't really
think I was that far out of line.

I guess I do get a little
overwrought every now and then.

Hey, listen,
what I'm...

What I'm trying to say is,
I did what I did because

I'm your friend.

And that's never
gonna change.

You believe that?

I guess I believe that.

You forgive me?

Hayden, I'm gonna forgive you, eventually,
just don't ask me to do it right now.

My feelings run very deep,
I'm not just a faucet you can turn on and off.

I mean...

I mean, you're just gonna have to
give me some time to get over this.

Okay.

I understand.

You take all the time you need, bud,
I'll be there when you're ready.

Hayden.

What?

I'm ready now.

What?
I'm okay, I'm okay now.

Great. Oh, man.

(LAUGHS)

It's good to have
my best friend back.

And it's good
to be back.

Well, now that you're back,
there's somebody else who wants to talk to you.

Marion?

(LAUGHS)

No, no. Peter.

Well, forget it.

Jeez, Luther, come on,
he postponed his trip to Europe

to come up here
and talk to you.

He's got something he
really wants to say to you.

And now, if his friendship means
as much to you as you claim it did,

I really think you
ought to talk to him.

Maybe our friendship doesn't
mean that much to me.

Well, obviously, it does or it
wouldn't have hurt you so much.

Now, come on.

He's hanging on the rope ladder
over this side right now, come on.

I want you to
talk to him, come on.

Hi, Peter.

PETER: Hi, Luther.

(PETER GROANS)

Well, why did
you hit him?

If you didn't want to talk to
him, just say so.

I can't talk to him now.

Maybe I'll be able to talk to him
someday, but I can't do it now.

All right.

My wounds run very deep.

Okay, fine.

Hayden.
Ready?

Yeah.
Okay.

Okay, Peter, he's ready, you can come up.
He wants to talk.

Can I take
this off now?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

(PETER GRUNTING)

Hey, this is neat.

Is this some kind of a
tree house or something?

Not a tree house, we're grown
men, for God's sake.

It's an abandoned fire tower we
use as the secret hiding place.

Now, do you have something to say
to me you haven't already said?

Yeah, well.

What he wanted to say, Luth,
was that as much as he cares about Marion,

he cares more about you.

And that if taking Marion to Europe
is going to ruin that friendship,

then he's not
going to take her.

Is that right?
That's right.

See?

You mean that?
Oh, he means it, Luth.

You really do care
about me, don't you?

Oh, he really
does, Luth.

Yeah. Great.

What do you mean, great?

I mean, great you're not taking Marion to
Europe, I feel a lot better!

Okay, problem solved,
let's go, huh?

Hey, just a second.

What's the matter?

This thing is not working
out the way you said.

But anyways, he forgave you,
now come on, let's go.

What are you
talking about?

You said that if I offered
not to go,

he would be so moved
by that offer

that he'd insist I go.

Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter,
this is not an exact science.

He's a very
complicated guy.

You went behind my back again.
This is a trick.

You're not
my friend after all.

You're not my friend, either.
You're trying to keep me from the woman I love.

How come the women you love are
always the women I find first?

It's a coincidence!

It happens two times and
you say it's a coincidence!

Are you calling
me a liar?

I'm calling you a woman-stealing,
back-stabbing dog!

Good, because if you were calling me a
liar, you'd be in a lot of trouble.

Liar!

Oh, now you've done it.

Oh, come on,
not again. Guys.

Stay out of this, Hayden.

Jeez, you're gonna
hurt each other.

Let him go,
Luther.

PETER: Knock it off!
LUTHER: Hayden!

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Do you guys
smell something?

I smell something,
I smell smoke.

HAYDEN: My God,
there's a fire!

LUTHER: A fire?

Fire? Oh,
it's my cigarette.

I've set the forest on fire!
Oh, my God!

Hell, the forest is fine,
the fire tower's on fire!

Oh, my God,
we're going to die!

We're not
going to die!

We're going to get
burned real bad.

Not if you climb over the ladder.
Now come on, let's go.

Okay, me first!

I'm gonna go down.
You next, Peter.

I'll go. Oh, God, the ladder's on fire!
The ladder's on fire!

We're going to die!

Someone's going to come along next spring
and find three charred bodies with a banjo.

They won't even
know it's us.

Like hell they won't.

You're the only person left in the
United States that plays a banjo.

It's better than
dental records.

Now, come on, let's jump!
Come on, you guys.

Wait!
What do you mean wait?

I can't do this.
Yes, you can.

Just crawl up here beside
me and I'll push you.

I just can't die
with us enemies.

Oh, don't have
2 beautiful moment now.

I have to.

I'm not saying what
you did was right,

but it just seems silly to
be fighting over a girl now.

I just want to say,
if we don't get out of this,

I forgive you.

Next to Laraine saying "I do"
and Marion saying "Why not?"

it's the most beautiful
words I've ever heard.

HAYDEN: Hey, guys, my soles
are burning, I'm jumping.

Okay,
we're coming.

HAYDEN: Wait!
LUTHER: Okay.

HAYDEN: What's that noise?

Hey, I do
hear something.

It's a helicopter!

A helicopter.

Wave, everybody, wave!

HAYDEN: Luther, I think
they'll see us,

we're in 60 feet
of flames here.

Look,
they're hovering.

Maybe they'll
throw a rope ladder.

Here we are!
Here we are!

Here we are!

All right, guys.
I don't think they're here to save us,

but I think they're here
to put out the fire.

Well, at least
we're still alive.

Does this mean you're still
going to Europe with Marion?