Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 13 - Dauber Graduates - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Hayden, there were only
three skis on top of the car.

Do you have the other one?

Don't tell me you lost
one of my skis.

1 didn't lose it.
I think maybe it fell off on the way back.

I can't believe this.
You lost one of my cross-country skis.

I didn't lose it!

Maybe somebody
stole it.

Off a moving car?

Why can't you just
admit you lost it?

Like you lost everything else
this weekend you touched.



I didn't lose anything.
Oh, yeah?

Well, how about
the gloves you lost.

Now those,
I know were stolen.

And the ski boot?

Stolen.
And the ski poles?

And my scarf
and my sunglasses?

Hey, I don't have to stand
here and listen to this.

All that stuff
was stolen.

I'm a crime victim,
if you don't understand that,

then I'm just
gonna go on home.

I'll see you on Monday,
Mr. Perfect never-lose-anything.

What's the matter now?

Somebody stole
my car keys.

Know where
I found this?



Police headquarters?

Found it by the side of the road
where we parked the car yesterday.

I drove up there this morning,
retraced our whole trip.

You know what
this means, don't you?

Whoever stole it felt
bad and brought it back?

It means you forgot
to put it in the ski rack.

Hayden, why would I put
three skis in the ski rack

and leave the fourth one
laying on the ground?

I guess for the same reason
that you left my ski boot

in the men's room

at Stuckey's,

and my gloves at the soda
fountain at the Howard Johnson's.

My scarf was on the counter
at the Tastee Freez,

and my sunglasses.
Well, they were at the drug store

where we stopped
for antacids.

You found everything?
Everything except the ski poles.

I have no idea
where you left those.

I think those
were stolen.

Hey, guys, you're never
going to believe this.

I just went over
to the administration building

to check on my grades
for last semester.

I'm the happiest man
in the world!

It's a miracle!

Guess what I got?

AR?

No, a diploma!

What?
What?

Can you believe it?
I graduated!

You graduated?

Dauber,
that's fantastic!

How'd that happen?
I don't know.

After eight years,
it just snuck up on me.

Congratulations, man.

That is terrific, Dauber.

What's your degree in?

I was so excited
I didn't even look.

Wow!
I'm a triple major!

A triple major?

Did you hear that, Luth?
We got a genius in our midst.

I have a Bachelor of Science
degree in physical education,

business administration,
and forestry.

After eight
long years,

you've climbed
the mountain, bud.

You've reached
the summit.

You're at the peak
of your knowledge.

And if there's trees up
there I can identify them.

I want you to know,
I'm very proud of you.

Well, you
left the nest.

So welcome to
the real world, bud.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?
I don't have a job in the real world.

What are you talking about?
You've got a job right here.

Oh, come on.

Everybody knows Coach just kept
me around so I could graduate.

I don't really
have a job.

What are you talking about?
That's not true.

You're an important part
of this operation.

We couldn't get along
here without you.

From now on, Dauber,
you're a full-time coach.

Wow! Thanks!
Yeah.

I want you going out in
that field and graduating,

knowing that
you have a future.

Actually, Coach, they have no
ceremony for midterm graduates.

You're kidding.

You mean you go
to college for eight years

and you don't get to
wear a cap and gown?

Like hell he won't.
We'll throw him our own graduation.

I don't know,
Coach.

I think I'd feel kind of funny
being out there in the track stadium

all by myself.

You're not gonna be out
there all by yourself.

We'll get all the other
mid-term graduates.

And we won't throw it
at the track stadium.

We'll have it
at The Touchdown Club.

You get the names
of all the other graduates,

we'll take care
of everything else.

Oh, great.

Hey, Coach,
if it wasn't for you,

I don't know
where I'd be today.

I'd probably be back
in my hometown

bagging groceries
or something.

I just feel like
everything I am

I owe to you.

I don't know what I could
ever do to repay you.

Well, there probably
is nothing, Daub,

but while I'm thinking about it.

Why don't you do me a favor
and get my truck washed?

What?
Yeah, well.

Me and Luth went cross-country skiing.
It got all muddy.

Just take her on down
to Helen's Car Wash.

Put the keys on your
desk when you're done.

You want me
to wash your truck?

Yeah. Hey.

And congratulations again.

That is really a big deal.
Right.

See ya, Coach.

Hey, Daub,
get one of those

pine tree air
fresheners, would you?

You know,
one of those green ones?

Hey, what the heck
am I telling him for?

He's a
forestry major.

Hey, Coach, if you've got a
minute, can I talk to you?

Hey, never too busy to
talk to a college graduate.

By the way, I called Nick.
And everything's set up at The Touchdown Club

for your
graduation tonight.

Great. Thanks.

So how'd it go
at the car wash?

Did you get
all that mud off?

I mean, it really cakes up
under the wheel there,

and unless Helen crawls under
there herself and scrapes it off,

the job
doesn't get done.

Well, that's kind of what I
wanted to talk to you about.

I didn't take your truck
to get it washed.

How come?

I just didn't
feel right about it.

What do you mean,
you didn't feel right about it?

Well,
I started to go, but...

Then the more I thought about
it, the more I just

didn't feel that
washing your truck

was something that I
ought to be doing now that

I'm a college graduate
and a full-time coach.

I feel like I shouldn't have
to run menial errands anymore.

Oh.

What do you "feel"
like you should be doing?

Ah, well,

things that are more
directly related to coaching.

Which is
my chosen profession.

Yeah, that
and forestry.

Right.

Huh.

Okay,
how about this?

From now on,
you're gonna be in charge of

all the calisthenics
before practice,

overseeing all
the equipment requisitions,

and from now on,
you are officially

the staff advisor
to all the incoming players.

Wow!

Is that more
what you had in mind?

Well, yeah, that's exactly
like what I had in mind.

Oh, Coach.
Hey, thanks for understanding.

I was really nervous
about bringing this up.

Now would you go
wash my truck?

Coach,
I just told you, I can't.

It doesn't
feel right.

(BOTH CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

Well, Daub,
it doesn't have to "feel" right.

It doesn't have to
"feel" like anything.

Just wash my truck.

I'm sorry, Coach.
I'm not going to do it.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Let me
get this straight.

I'm asking you to do something.
And you're saying "no."

Yeah. (SHOUTING) What the
hell is the matter with you?

Well, I just don't want
to be demeaned anymore.

Is that what I've been doing
for the past eight years?

Jeez, and I thought
getting you a scholarship

and inventing a job
so you could stay in school

was helping you.

But I was wrong.
I guess I was demeaning you.

You know how grateful I am to
you for what you've done for me.

I'd do anything for you.
Yeah, well then

wash my damn truck.

Except that.

I can't believe this!

All of a sudden
you're graduating,

and you don't want
to wash my truck?

See, this is why
I'm against education.

Coach...
I can't believe this is happening.

Since when
do you tell me

what you will
and you won't do?

Well, obviously
it's a recent development.

I just feel...
Would you stop feeling, Dauber?

Just go numb.

What the hell do feelings
have to do with this?

This is about me asking
you to do something

and you doing it.

No, this is about you treating
me like a professional.

All I'm saying, Coach,
is I just don't want to do things anymore

unless they're directly
related to coaching.

Fine.

We don't play
poker anymore.

We don't watch Monday
Night Football anymore.

We don't go
fishing anymore.

From now on, we'll just have a
strictly professional relationship.

I will see you
on the practice field

and in the staff meetings,
and beyond that

I do not want
to see you at all.

And that goes for
your graduation tonight!

You don't want me to go
to my own graduation?

No, I meant
I'm not gonna be there!

Where are you
going to be?

I'm going to
be at home,

washing my own
damn truck!

Hayden?
Watkins?

(GROANS)

You haven't even
said two words,

and already
my head hurts.

What the hell do you want?
I just came

from having lunch
with Michael.

Why aren't you going
to his graduation?

Oh,
I don't know.

I guess because it
just didn't feel right.

You really
don't understand

what he was talking
about, do you?

I really don't,
Judy.

Do you have
any idea

how upset
Michael is today?

Hey, who do you think put
this stupid graduation party

together, anyway?

Who do you think stuck
with him for eight years?

Hayden, if you don't know
how grateful Michael is

and how much
he respects you,

then you're dumber
than even I think you are.

All he was trying to do

was to get you to look
at him as a professional.

Hey, a professional
does not come into

another
professional's office

whining about
his feelings.

What the hell do feelings
have to do with coaching?

You think Vince Lombardi
cared about feelings?

Do you think he walked into the
locker room of the Green Bay Packers

before every game and fired
everybody up by saying,

"Hey! How about it?
Anybody feel like playing?"

Coaching is not
about feelings.

It's about putting
your feelings aside.

I mean, you're a head
coach, you should know that.

Coaching is not
about feelings.

Unless it's
feelings of hate,

like you and I
have for each other.

Okay, then
I have a question.

If you can't be a good
coach and have feelings,

then why did you do
what you did for Michael

eight years ago?
Oh, man.

Feelings had nothing
to do with it.

I did it because I needed a
tackle for my football team.

Oh, so you're telling me you
promised his dying mother

that you'd see to it
that he get an education

and you didn't
feel a thing?

Didn't even blink.

And you kept him
on for four years

after he couldn't play
anymore because, why?

Because I needed somebody
to wash my truck.

And now
that's shot to hell.

Hayden, I don't buy any of that.

I think everything
you've done for Michael,

you've done because
you cared about him.

You wanted him to make
something out of himself.

And now
that he has,

he wants you to
recognize him for it.

And what did you do?

You asked him
to wash your truck.

That's why
he felt so demeaned.

What an overreaction
to such a simple request.

Thank God I didn't ask
him to get it waxed.

Look, Hayden,
you've been with Michael

every step
of the way.

I would think you'd want
to be at his graduation.

And that's all
I came to say.

Well, if that's all
you came to say,

how come I had to stand here and
listen to all this other crap?

Why do I even try?

Goodbye,
Hayden.

For Michael's sake,
I hope you come.

For my sake,
I hope you're standing in a puddle

when you turn off the light.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Well, go ahead
and wail away, Judy!

Big tall ragamuffin.

I don't care
what you say!

I don't think
it's demeaning

to ask somebody to
wash your stupid truck!

(DOOR BANGING)

You don't think it's
demeaning, do you, Stuart?

No, sir.

In fact, I think
it's quite an honor, sir.

Hey, Mr. Dybinski,
how you doing?

I'm just bursting with pride, Coach.
I'll bet you are.

So is everybody
in the slaughterhouse.

The guys in ham shanks
even took me out

and bought me lunch today.
That's nice.

By the way, I have loin chops
in the car for everybody.

Okay,
thank you.

Oh, it is supposed to stay
below 30 tonight, isn't it?

I think so.

Hi, Mr. Dybinski.

Oh, hi, Julie.
Judy.

That's right.
I got to remember,

it's Garland,
not Andrews.

Still no sign
of Hayden, huh?

Can't we just wait
five more minutes?

I'm sure
he'll be here.

Coach Fox not being
at Dauber's graduation

is akin to Mozart
not being there

for the opening
of Cosi Fan Tutte.

Oh, hi,
everybody.

Gosh, I'm sorry
I'm late.

Well, you haven't
missed anything.

Any luck with Hayden?
Apparently not.

I can't believe he would
have a fight with Dauber.

How could anybody
have a fight with Dauber?

It's like Don Quixote
fighting with Sancho.

I know my nerves
are on edge, Stuart,

but would you just shut up
and start the music?

Hi,
I'm Christine Armstrong.

I'm Hayden's fiancée.

I'm
Walter Dybinski.

It's very nice
to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Do you like pork?

I guess so.

See me afterwards.

Stuart.

(POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE
PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

I just realized Dad's
supposed to make a speech now

and give out
the diplomas.

Luther,
you do it.

Oh, I can't give
out the diplomas.

I wouldn't know
what to say.

Just say congratulations
and hand it to them.

Yeah, well I don't have
a license or anything.

Just go do it.

See if everybody
wants me.

(FEEDBACK SCREECHING) Is this working?
One, two, testing.

Peter Piper picked a peck of
pickled peppers. Is this on?

Can you hear me?
Yes, Luther, we can...

What? I said we can hear you.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome
to the Minnesota State

mid-year graduation
ceremonies held here

at The Touchdown
Club restaurant.

We're here to honor
this year's graduates,

Michael Dybinski,
and, uh,

the little girl
sitting next to him.

What's your name,
honey?

Elizabeth Marie Mumford.

Everybody
get that?

Uh, if there's anybody
here that doesn't feel

that these two
should be graduated,

let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

Uh, Luth?
Elizabeth is the valedictorian.

She has a speech.

Oh, good. Then I can sit down.

Thank you.

Parents, friends,
fellow graduate.

{ have a speech prepared,

but I thought !
was going to be graduating in June

with everybody else,
so bear with me.

(CLEARS THROAT)

As [ look across
your hopeful face,

{ see one
bright tomorrow.

It's up to all...

It's up to
both of us

to make our marks
on the world.

And though
our areas of interest

may be as varied
as quantum physics

and forestry,

let us all... Both

work for
a peaceful world

and a clean environment.

Thank you.

(WHISTLING) KELLY: All
right, yeah.

As salutatorian,

1, too, would like
to say a few words.

I'd always dreamed
that on my graduation,

I thought it would be the
greatest day of my life.

I only wish the man who made
it all possible could be here.

But even though he's not,
I'm going to read this speech anyway.

(PHONE RINGING)
Graduation is a special...

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yeah, this
is The Touchdown Club.

Uh, two
for tomorrow night?

Yeah, what time
did you say?

8:00 would be fine.

Yeah, very good,
Mr. Connors,

we look forward
to seeing you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

...occasion for any student.

For me,
it's especially meaningful.

When I graduated
from high school,

my mom was very ill.

I wasn't even sure that I'd be
able to go to college, even though

{ knew that getting
a degree

was my mom's
biggest dream for me.

Fortunately,
there was one man

who enabled that
dream to come true.

Coach Fox has always
been there for me.

Everything I am
I owe to him.

He took a gangly,
gawky 18-year-old

and turned him into the poised
graduate you see before you.

And for that 1 will
be forever grateful.

I know he's not much

for feelings,

but I just
want to tell him,

next to my dad, I feel he's the
greatest man I've ever known.

And that's all

{ wanted to say.
Thank you.

Luther, you're supposed to
hand out the diplomas now.

Oh.

(POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE
PLAYING) Uh...

Elizabeth...

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Excuse me,
this is a wine list.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.
Congratulations.

Luth,
I'll do this one.

Didn't think you
were gonna make it.

I would've
been here sooner,

except I was
washing my truck.

Congratulations,
Coach.

Thanks for coming.

You have no idea how
this makes me feel.

No, but I'm sure
you'll tell me.