Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 12 - Christmas Brains - full transcript
FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.
(ALL SINGING)
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Okay, shut up, everybody!
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
(SINGING STOPS)
I'm glad everybody's got the Christmas
spirit, because so do .
Watkins, you and I
fight all year long,
and I think it's time we should
put aside our differences
and, well, just kind of enjoy some
peace and harmony for a while.
So, well, merry Christmas, Judy.
Here you go.
Well, thank you, Hayden.
I must say
I didn't expect this.
Bet you didn't!
Holy cow!
Where did you get those?
I took a mold of Judy's
foot and had them made.
(LAUGHING)
Very funny, Hayden!
Oh, come on,
Judy, lighten up.
You've got to admit,
big sneakers are pretty clever.
You're right, Luther,
it is pretty clever.
Now I feel kind of
foolish 'cause,
well, I went sincere
and tried to find Hayden
something I thought
he could really use.
So, here you go, Hayden.
Merry Christmas.
Gee, you got
me something?
Well, I saw it
and I knew you needed it.
What the hell is this?
Wow! A brain!
(LAUGHING)
That's very
funny, Watkins.
Oh, come on,
Hayden, lighten up.
She's got you this time.
You've got to admit
a brain's pretty clever.
Hey! Come on, you two.
Remember, it's Christmas.
Why don't you open your
gifts from Dr. Tewksbury?
Hey, that's a good idea.
Here, I'll hold your brain.
Here you go, Coach.
Thanks, Daub.
This is beautiful,
look at this.
Now, see, Hayden,
this is what gift giving is all about.
Even the university
president takes time
out of her busy schedule to
give us something personal.
HAYDEN: Oh, come on, Watkins.
She probably got five
bracelets for the girls
and five desk lamps
for the guys.
Oh, jeez!
What is it?
(ON TELEPHONE)
Hi, this is Christine.
I'm not here right now,
but if you'll leave
a message at the
sound of the beep,
I'll call you back
just as soon as I can.
Hi, Christine.
Yeah, this is Hayden.
I realize you're
at work and everything,
but, and I hate talking
into these things, I just...
I mean, it's Christmas Eve,
and I just wanted to wish you
a merry Christmas,
tell you I was thinking
of you, and I miss you.
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Hi, Christine.
Oh, yeah, this is Hayden.
And, well, you know I hate
talking to these things.
I realize you're at work,
and I just wanted to tell you
it's Christmas Eve
and I wanted to wish
you a merry Christmas,
and I miss you,
and I was thinking of you.
(CHOKING UP) And that's all
I wanted to say. Jeez.
Well, it's just gonna be the three
of us this Christmas, you guys.
Hayden.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be at the airport.
Oh, I'm on my way.
Thought I'd stop by
one more time,
see if I could talk
you into going with me.
Oh, no, thanks a lot,
but I don't think so.
I just hate to see you
spend Christmas alone.
Hey, I don't mind
being alone!
I know you say that.
I mean it.
I know you say you mean
it, but I know you, Hayden.
Come tomorrow morning,
you're going to be sitting here
feeling sorry
for yourself.
Oh, hey, I'm not going to be
feeling sorry for myself.
Oh, I know you say you're not going
to be feeling sorry for yourself,
but you're the only
one without plans.
Kelly and Stuart are off in
Wisconsin with Stuart's folks.
Dauber is with Judy in
Atlanta with her folks.
I'm going to be off
having a great Christmas,
and you're going to be sitting
here missing Christine.
Oh, come on!
I'm not going to be missing Christine!
Oh, I know you say you're not
going to be missing Christine.
Luther! Come on,
why don't you go with me?
Luth, I gotta
tell you something.
My idea of a great Christmas
is not going to Las Vegas!
Why not? You could use
a little Christmas spirit.
Well, I gotta
tell you something.
That's not my idea
of great Christmas fun.
Spending three days and two nights
at the Shangri-La Vegas Hotel
watching David Brenner
and Wayne Newton,
and then getting 2 $5
coupon for Slots-A-Fun.
Boy, are you a Scrooge!
I am not a Scrooge.
I would just like to be left
alone during the damn holidays!
I know you say
you want to be left alone...
Luther!
Come on, now,
why don't you just go?
You're going
to miss your plane,
and they say there's a
snowstorm coming in, okay?
Okay, but if you change your
mind, just give me a call.
I'll either be in my room
or the Lost Horizons Lounge
enjoying my free
shrimp cocktail.
See you
when you get back.
Danke schén.
Don't worry, fellas,
I think I found you a home.
Hey, you guys!
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd
be in Wisconsin.
We were, but we were
all sitting around today,
and none of us could enjoy ourselves
knowing you were here alone.
So we all decided,
on the spur of the moment,
to drive back and
have Christmas with you.
You're kidding!
No.
In fact, my folks
are right behind us.
Your parents are
coming here?
Yeah, won't that
be fun?
Oh, jeez,
I don't know, Kelly.
I was kind of counting on
being alone here, you know.
Well, I know you say
you want to be alone.
Yeah, well, I do, Kelly.
I really do, kind of, you know? I do.
Listen, we're not going
to let you be alone,
and that's all
there is to it!
WILSON: Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
What the hell is that?
That's them!
Merry Christmas!
(BOTH SINGING)
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse
open sleigh, hey!
Hayden, you old rascal,
merry Christmas.
Oh, my God!
It's you, Wilson.
I know we're just
barging in here,
but when we heard you were going
to be alone on Christmas, well,
we practically
burst into tears.
Well, actually,
Stuart did.
And that's when we decided that we
just couldn't enjoy our Christmas
if someone in our family
was gonna be alone.
Dad, aren't their
outfits great?
I just love
how they go all out.
Yeah, they're
out there, all right.
Now, Hayden, if this is an
inconvenience, you just tell us,
and we'll pack up the Christmas
tree and the ornaments
and the food
and the reindeer
and we'll head right
back to Wisconsin.
No, I mean, you've gone through
this much trouble, you might as...
A reindeer?
Wouldn't be Christmas
without a rented reindeer!
You got a live reindeer?
Wouldn't be Christmas
with a dead one.
I'm gonna go
start unloading.
Good idea. Now, why don't you two
come over and warm up by the fire?
Yeah. Hey, Peg must be
freezing her tail off there.
Well, did you tell Hayden
about the big surprise?
There's a bigger surprise?
Oh, this is the best.
Tell him, Kelly.
Mom's coming!
Mom who?
Mom, my mother.
Beth is coming here?
Well, yeah, she's in her car.
She's right behind us.
What?
She was with us
in Wisconsin.
Oh, gee, Kelly, you shouldn't do
this to your good old, dear dad.
I mean, this is...
We should have talked about this, Kelly!
Oh, come on, Dad!
It'll be fun having the
family together at Christmas.
Well, not your mom and 1!
The last Christmas we spent together,
she threw a fruitcake at me.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oh, here she is!
WILSON: Whoa!
Mom!
You could freeze yourself
to death out there.
We were so
worried about you!
Well, hey. Oh, hi, Beth!
How you doing?
Isn't this a great surprise?
Put a plug in it, Hayden.
I'm about as happy to be
here as you are to have me.
Okay. Okay.
WILSON: Okay, everybody ready
for the grand illumination?
One, two, three!
ALL: Merry Christmas!
(CHEERING)
How about that?
Jeez, the rest of
the lake just went dark!
Oh, this is just
our road show.
You should see our
place back in Wisconsin.
I think I do, Peg.
Well, time for
the final touch.
It wouldn't be Christmas
without the mistletoe.
Whoop! It's over
my rein-dearest.
It's over my favorite
daughter-in-law.
It's over my
dead body, Wilson.
Well, who wants hot cider?
Oh, everybody wants cider.
There's not a person
in the world
who doesn't want
hot cider on Christmas.
None for me, thanks.
Oh, come on, Hayden, you've
got to try the hot cider.
Peg grew and
pressed it herself.
It's an old
Rosebrock tradition.
Grandmother Rosebrock
started doing that in 1891.
Of course, in those days they
didn't have modern appliances.
She used to press
the apples between her knees.
A lot of love
went into those apples.
Al right!
Who wants to make
the first toast?
Oh, I do.
It's wonderful to have
the families together
and it's wonderful
for Hayden to have us here.
We all know your bridge
has crossed over some
troubled waters as of late,
what with you and Christine
going down different tributaries.
But we just want you
to know that we love you.
And good news is
just around the bend!
Merry Christmas.
Hear, hear!
ALL: Hear, hear!
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Peg, you've really
outdone yourself this year.
I swear, if ll close my
eyes, I can just
hear Grandma's knees
slapping together.
Dad, you wanna make a toast?
Oh, yeah, well...
Oh, well, they say there's nothing
worse than being alone at Christmas,
and thanks to you folks,
I'll never know if that's true.
Okey-doke!
Let's get this show on the road!
Son, you help your mother get her
antlers off and her ham in the oven.
We've got lots to do.
Hayden, I hope you don't mind
me taking charge like this.
Christmas just
makes me a madman.
No, you go ahead.
Deck the halls, Willie.
So what do you think?
This is better than
being alone, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, this is just great.
You know, I've got my son-in-law
and his parents, my ex-wife,
and 70,000 volts
running through my house.
Who wouldn't want this, huh?
I know this is a hard Christmas
for you without Christine.
I don't know why
everybody keeps thinking
I'm so depressed
this Christmas.
I'm fine!
I'm doing fine.
Right.
Here, put these on.
No, I don't want to
put any stupid hats on.
No, no humbug
allowed here.
You've got to put on a hat.
It's a Rosebrock tradition.
Come on, Hayden, put on the hat.
Show a little spirit.
Well, I don't see you
showing any spirit, Beth.
Well, what are we
going to sing first?
How about We Wish You
a Merry Christmas?
That's a wonderful idea!
Oh, that's good.
There's nobody in the
world that doesn't love
We Wish You
a Merry Christmas.
(ROSEBROCKS HARMONIZING)
(SINGING)
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
Good tidings we bring
for you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
This year I wish
that around the world
everyone could be
with their loved ones,
filled with the joy
that only families can bring.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
This year I wish that
the operation to separate
the Torborg twins
is finally successful.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
This year my wish is that more men
could find the woman inside of them
and realize
that it is okay to cry.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
This year I wish that
all the baby condors
released into the wild
will thrive and make
more baby condors.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Go ahead, Beth.
You know, fa-la-la-la.
Hayden, you can't
break the string,
otherwise the wish
won't come true.
Yeah, I really
don't want to...
Come on, Dad, make a wish!
Get into the spirit.
La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
(HAYDEN HUMMING RELUCTANTLY)
Yes, the Christmas wish.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
I wish, uh...
I wish...
Oh, Wilson, I wish you
hadn't made me do this, man.
I wish...
You know, I wish Christmas
wasn't this way. I...
I wish Christine and I were
still together, you know.
(SINGING QUIETS)
I wish I didn't screw up
every relationship I was in.
I wish that you good folks
would just go ahead and go on
with your Christmas and
leave me the hell out of it.
(SHIVERS)
Can we talk?
You know, not that it's
any of my business,
but if you're this
miserable without Christine,
why didn't you just go
ahead and marry her?
Jeez, Beth, would you like to ease
your way into this conversation?
Fine, if you
don't want to talk,
I was just trying to help.
Wait, wait, wait!
How did you know Christine and
I broke up over getting married?
Kelly told me.
Well, how the hell
did Kelly know?
I never talked
to her about this.
Christine told her.
Kelly talked to Christine?
Well, even if she didn't,
Christine mentioned it to me
in her Christmas card.
Christine sent you
a Christmas card?
It came with the gift.
What is this? An "I hate
Hayden" fan club or something?
We don't
hate you, Hayden.
That's not true.
All right, it's Christmas,
I was trying to be nice.
But Christine
doesn't hate you.
She would if we got married.
Why do you say that?
Well, you of all people
should know, Beth.
I am a marriage killer!
I can't do the things that
a husband's supposed to do.
And that means that I can't be
the kind of guy that a wife needs.
Hayden, you're talking
about a wife like I was,
the kind that needs
a storybook husband.
A guy who goes to work at
9:00 and comes home at 5:00,
mows the lawn on the weekends.
And you're right,
you couldn't be that.
You couldn't be that
in a million years.
My God, you didn't
even come close.
I mean, when I think about
the kind of guy I wanted
and the kind of guy
I got, it's just...
Hey, wait a... Hold...
No, wait a second!
I mean, I thought we were leading
up to something helpful here.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What I was going to say is
I don't think
that's the kind of
husband Christine needs.
Look, if you just don't want to get
married, that's one thing.
But if you're not getting married
because of what happened between us,
that's stupid.
That's not the reason.
Well, then,
what is the reason?
That is the reason.
I just don't like being called stupid, Beth!
Look,
I know I
made things rough
for you over the years.
But
our problems were every bit
as much my fault as yours.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Why didn't you
tell me this before?
I wanted you to suffer.
Why are you
telling me this now?
Because I think you and Christine
have a chance to be happy,
and people just don't get that
many chances in their lives.
Merry Christmas, Hayden.
Wow. Thanks, Beth.
Hey, wait a...
Beth, wait a minute.
I mean, Beth, are you happy?
I'm very happy.
Really?
Look at your shoes.
Oh, that stupid reindeer!
In other news, heavy snow
tonight has crippled
much of Minneapolis,
making travel almost impossible.
Our News 6 "Santa Radar" has
been combing the northern skies
in search of Santa
and his reindeer.
When last spotted,
they were over Greenland
headed towards the Twin Cities.
We'll keep you updated.
I'll be back with the weather
for the vacationing Jess Gale,
and sports for the vacationing
Bob Clifton, and a commentary
on behalf of the
vacationing Howell Putnam.
BILL: (OVER P.A.) We're clear.
Hayden, what in the
world are you doing here?
I just wanted to wish you
a merry Christmas, Christine.
You drove all the way to Minneapolis
in a blizzard to tell me that?
No, I wanted
to talk, too.
I'm in the middle
of a broadcast right now.
Yeah, well,
that's okay, Christine,
'cause I'm pretty focused
about what I want to say.
Christine, I got this
wonderful gift tonight.
I found out from Beth that
I'm not a marriage killer.
What are you
getting at, Hayden?
BILL: One minute.
Yeah, okay, well, see,
what I'm getting at is
two months ago you
were willing to spend
the rest of your
life with me, huh?
And if I could
commit to that,
would you still have me?
I mean,
don't answer yet.
Just let me make sure that we
understand each other, okay?
See, I am not
a traditional guy, okay?
I mean, see, I'm not
going to be coming home
at 5:00 for dinner
every night.
That's good, because
nobody would be there.
Pardon?
Did you think I was going
to be home every night
cooking you dinner?
You won't be?
No!
Not ever?
I do the news
five nights a week.
I'm doing the news
right now!
BILL: Thirty seconds.
So, what is
your point, Hayden?
Hold on here, Christine.
I'm still thinking about
this dinner thing.
Okay, marriage is a give and take thing.
We can settle this later.
The point is,
if we were to get married,
I wouldn't have to change
who I am, right? I mean,
nothing would change, right?
Well, of course
something would change.
Our relationship
would change.
Marriage would mean that we
had committed to each other,
that both of us
had someone we could
cherish and enjoy
and count on for
the rest of our lives.
That's all, right?
I think that's a lot.
Well, it is, it is,
but I'm sure I could do that.
You could?
Pretty sure.
Yeah. Pretty sure.
So, what are
you saying, Hayden?
BILL: Five seconds.
Damn! I'll be right back.
In three, two...
Hi.
We're back.
And now for a commercial.
BILL: We're clear.
Christine, what the
hell are you doing?
We just had a commercial!
Just give me
a minute here, Bill.
You've got 30 seconds.
So what is it
you were saying?
Christine, I know we're not going
to be doing this right away,
but, Christine, I love you.
I love you more than
anything else in the world.
Will you marry me?
Are you really sure
you want to do this?
I mean, you're not
just having
a miserable time
and trying to save
your Christmas Eve,
are you?
Christine, I love you.
If I were to lose you,
I'd hate myself forever.
And I'm not going to lie,
it would pull my Christmas
out of the crapper.
Oh, Hayden.
Yes, I will marry you.
Oh, boy!
filmed before a studio audience.
(ALL SINGING)
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
Okay, shut up, everybody!
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
(SINGING STOPS)
I'm glad everybody's got the Christmas
spirit, because so do .
Watkins, you and I
fight all year long,
and I think it's time we should
put aside our differences
and, well, just kind of enjoy some
peace and harmony for a while.
So, well, merry Christmas, Judy.
Here you go.
Well, thank you, Hayden.
I must say
I didn't expect this.
Bet you didn't!
Holy cow!
Where did you get those?
I took a mold of Judy's
foot and had them made.
(LAUGHING)
Very funny, Hayden!
Oh, come on,
Judy, lighten up.
You've got to admit,
big sneakers are pretty clever.
You're right, Luther,
it is pretty clever.
Now I feel kind of
foolish 'cause,
well, I went sincere
and tried to find Hayden
something I thought
he could really use.
So, here you go, Hayden.
Merry Christmas.
Gee, you got
me something?
Well, I saw it
and I knew you needed it.
What the hell is this?
Wow! A brain!
(LAUGHING)
That's very
funny, Watkins.
Oh, come on,
Hayden, lighten up.
She's got you this time.
You've got to admit
a brain's pretty clever.
Hey! Come on, you two.
Remember, it's Christmas.
Why don't you open your
gifts from Dr. Tewksbury?
Hey, that's a good idea.
Here, I'll hold your brain.
Here you go, Coach.
Thanks, Daub.
This is beautiful,
look at this.
Now, see, Hayden,
this is what gift giving is all about.
Even the university
president takes time
out of her busy schedule to
give us something personal.
HAYDEN: Oh, come on, Watkins.
She probably got five
bracelets for the girls
and five desk lamps
for the guys.
Oh, jeez!
What is it?
(ON TELEPHONE)
Hi, this is Christine.
I'm not here right now,
but if you'll leave
a message at the
sound of the beep,
I'll call you back
just as soon as I can.
Hi, Christine.
Yeah, this is Hayden.
I realize you're
at work and everything,
but, and I hate talking
into these things, I just...
I mean, it's Christmas Eve,
and I just wanted to wish you
a merry Christmas,
tell you I was thinking
of you, and I miss you.
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Hi, Christine.
Oh, yeah, this is Hayden.
And, well, you know I hate
talking to these things.
I realize you're at work,
and I just wanted to tell you
it's Christmas Eve
and I wanted to wish
you a merry Christmas,
and I miss you,
and I was thinking of you.
(CHOKING UP) And that's all
I wanted to say. Jeez.
Well, it's just gonna be the three
of us this Christmas, you guys.
Hayden.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be at the airport.
Oh, I'm on my way.
Thought I'd stop by
one more time,
see if I could talk
you into going with me.
Oh, no, thanks a lot,
but I don't think so.
I just hate to see you
spend Christmas alone.
Hey, I don't mind
being alone!
I know you say that.
I mean it.
I know you say you mean
it, but I know you, Hayden.
Come tomorrow morning,
you're going to be sitting here
feeling sorry
for yourself.
Oh, hey, I'm not going to be
feeling sorry for myself.
Oh, I know you say you're not going
to be feeling sorry for yourself,
but you're the only
one without plans.
Kelly and Stuart are off in
Wisconsin with Stuart's folks.
Dauber is with Judy in
Atlanta with her folks.
I'm going to be off
having a great Christmas,
and you're going to be sitting
here missing Christine.
Oh, come on!
I'm not going to be missing Christine!
Oh, I know you say you're not
going to be missing Christine.
Luther! Come on,
why don't you go with me?
Luth, I gotta
tell you something.
My idea of a great Christmas
is not going to Las Vegas!
Why not? You could use
a little Christmas spirit.
Well, I gotta
tell you something.
That's not my idea
of great Christmas fun.
Spending three days and two nights
at the Shangri-La Vegas Hotel
watching David Brenner
and Wayne Newton,
and then getting 2 $5
coupon for Slots-A-Fun.
Boy, are you a Scrooge!
I am not a Scrooge.
I would just like to be left
alone during the damn holidays!
I know you say
you want to be left alone...
Luther!
Come on, now,
why don't you just go?
You're going
to miss your plane,
and they say there's a
snowstorm coming in, okay?
Okay, but if you change your
mind, just give me a call.
I'll either be in my room
or the Lost Horizons Lounge
enjoying my free
shrimp cocktail.
See you
when you get back.
Danke schén.
Don't worry, fellas,
I think I found you a home.
Hey, you guys!
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd
be in Wisconsin.
We were, but we were
all sitting around today,
and none of us could enjoy ourselves
knowing you were here alone.
So we all decided,
on the spur of the moment,
to drive back and
have Christmas with you.
You're kidding!
No.
In fact, my folks
are right behind us.
Your parents are
coming here?
Yeah, won't that
be fun?
Oh, jeez,
I don't know, Kelly.
I was kind of counting on
being alone here, you know.
Well, I know you say
you want to be alone.
Yeah, well, I do, Kelly.
I really do, kind of, you know? I do.
Listen, we're not going
to let you be alone,
and that's all
there is to it!
WILSON: Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
What the hell is that?
That's them!
Merry Christmas!
(BOTH SINGING)
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse
open sleigh, hey!
Hayden, you old rascal,
merry Christmas.
Oh, my God!
It's you, Wilson.
I know we're just
barging in here,
but when we heard you were going
to be alone on Christmas, well,
we practically
burst into tears.
Well, actually,
Stuart did.
And that's when we decided that we
just couldn't enjoy our Christmas
if someone in our family
was gonna be alone.
Dad, aren't their
outfits great?
I just love
how they go all out.
Yeah, they're
out there, all right.
Now, Hayden, if this is an
inconvenience, you just tell us,
and we'll pack up the Christmas
tree and the ornaments
and the food
and the reindeer
and we'll head right
back to Wisconsin.
No, I mean, you've gone through
this much trouble, you might as...
A reindeer?
Wouldn't be Christmas
without a rented reindeer!
You got a live reindeer?
Wouldn't be Christmas
with a dead one.
I'm gonna go
start unloading.
Good idea. Now, why don't you two
come over and warm up by the fire?
Yeah. Hey, Peg must be
freezing her tail off there.
Well, did you tell Hayden
about the big surprise?
There's a bigger surprise?
Oh, this is the best.
Tell him, Kelly.
Mom's coming!
Mom who?
Mom, my mother.
Beth is coming here?
Well, yeah, she's in her car.
She's right behind us.
What?
She was with us
in Wisconsin.
Oh, gee, Kelly, you shouldn't do
this to your good old, dear dad.
I mean, this is...
We should have talked about this, Kelly!
Oh, come on, Dad!
It'll be fun having the
family together at Christmas.
Well, not your mom and 1!
The last Christmas we spent together,
she threw a fruitcake at me.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oh, here she is!
WILSON: Whoa!
Mom!
You could freeze yourself
to death out there.
We were so
worried about you!
Well, hey. Oh, hi, Beth!
How you doing?
Isn't this a great surprise?
Put a plug in it, Hayden.
I'm about as happy to be
here as you are to have me.
Okay. Okay.
WILSON: Okay, everybody ready
for the grand illumination?
One, two, three!
ALL: Merry Christmas!
(CHEERING)
How about that?
Jeez, the rest of
the lake just went dark!
Oh, this is just
our road show.
You should see our
place back in Wisconsin.
I think I do, Peg.
Well, time for
the final touch.
It wouldn't be Christmas
without the mistletoe.
Whoop! It's over
my rein-dearest.
It's over my favorite
daughter-in-law.
It's over my
dead body, Wilson.
Well, who wants hot cider?
Oh, everybody wants cider.
There's not a person
in the world
who doesn't want
hot cider on Christmas.
None for me, thanks.
Oh, come on, Hayden, you've
got to try the hot cider.
Peg grew and
pressed it herself.
It's an old
Rosebrock tradition.
Grandmother Rosebrock
started doing that in 1891.
Of course, in those days they
didn't have modern appliances.
She used to press
the apples between her knees.
A lot of love
went into those apples.
Al right!
Who wants to make
the first toast?
Oh, I do.
It's wonderful to have
the families together
and it's wonderful
for Hayden to have us here.
We all know your bridge
has crossed over some
troubled waters as of late,
what with you and Christine
going down different tributaries.
But we just want you
to know that we love you.
And good news is
just around the bend!
Merry Christmas.
Hear, hear!
ALL: Hear, hear!
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Peg, you've really
outdone yourself this year.
I swear, if ll close my
eyes, I can just
hear Grandma's knees
slapping together.
Dad, you wanna make a toast?
Oh, yeah, well...
Oh, well, they say there's nothing
worse than being alone at Christmas,
and thanks to you folks,
I'll never know if that's true.
Okey-doke!
Let's get this show on the road!
Son, you help your mother get her
antlers off and her ham in the oven.
We've got lots to do.
Hayden, I hope you don't mind
me taking charge like this.
Christmas just
makes me a madman.
No, you go ahead.
Deck the halls, Willie.
So what do you think?
This is better than
being alone, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, this is just great.
You know, I've got my son-in-law
and his parents, my ex-wife,
and 70,000 volts
running through my house.
Who wouldn't want this, huh?
I know this is a hard Christmas
for you without Christine.
I don't know why
everybody keeps thinking
I'm so depressed
this Christmas.
I'm fine!
I'm doing fine.
Right.
Here, put these on.
No, I don't want to
put any stupid hats on.
No, no humbug
allowed here.
You've got to put on a hat.
It's a Rosebrock tradition.
Come on, Hayden, put on the hat.
Show a little spirit.
Well, I don't see you
showing any spirit, Beth.
Well, what are we
going to sing first?
How about We Wish You
a Merry Christmas?
That's a wonderful idea!
Oh, that's good.
There's nobody in the
world that doesn't love
We Wish You
a Merry Christmas.
(ROSEBROCKS HARMONIZING)
(SINGING)
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
Good tidings we bring
for you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
This year I wish
that around the world
everyone could be
with their loved ones,
filled with the joy
that only families can bring.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
This year I wish that
the operation to separate
the Torborg twins
is finally successful.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
This year my wish is that more men
could find the woman inside of them
and realize
that it is okay to cry.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
Yes, the Christmas wish.
This year I wish that
all the baby condors
released into the wild
will thrive and make
more baby condors.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Go ahead, Beth.
You know, fa-la-la-la.
Hayden, you can't
break the string,
otherwise the wish
won't come true.
Yeah, I really
don't want to...
Come on, Dad, make a wish!
Get into the spirit.
La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
(HAYDEN HUMMING RELUCTANTLY)
Yes, the Christmas wish.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
I wish, uh...
I wish...
Oh, Wilson, I wish you
hadn't made me do this, man.
I wish...
You know, I wish Christmas
wasn't this way. I...
I wish Christine and I were
still together, you know.
(SINGING QUIETS)
I wish I didn't screw up
every relationship I was in.
I wish that you good folks
would just go ahead and go on
with your Christmas and
leave me the hell out of it.
(SHIVERS)
Can we talk?
You know, not that it's
any of my business,
but if you're this
miserable without Christine,
why didn't you just go
ahead and marry her?
Jeez, Beth, would you like to ease
your way into this conversation?
Fine, if you
don't want to talk,
I was just trying to help.
Wait, wait, wait!
How did you know Christine and
I broke up over getting married?
Kelly told me.
Well, how the hell
did Kelly know?
I never talked
to her about this.
Christine told her.
Kelly talked to Christine?
Well, even if she didn't,
Christine mentioned it to me
in her Christmas card.
Christine sent you
a Christmas card?
It came with the gift.
What is this? An "I hate
Hayden" fan club or something?
We don't
hate you, Hayden.
That's not true.
All right, it's Christmas,
I was trying to be nice.
But Christine
doesn't hate you.
She would if we got married.
Why do you say that?
Well, you of all people
should know, Beth.
I am a marriage killer!
I can't do the things that
a husband's supposed to do.
And that means that I can't be
the kind of guy that a wife needs.
Hayden, you're talking
about a wife like I was,
the kind that needs
a storybook husband.
A guy who goes to work at
9:00 and comes home at 5:00,
mows the lawn on the weekends.
And you're right,
you couldn't be that.
You couldn't be that
in a million years.
My God, you didn't
even come close.
I mean, when I think about
the kind of guy I wanted
and the kind of guy
I got, it's just...
Hey, wait a... Hold...
No, wait a second!
I mean, I thought we were leading
up to something helpful here.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What I was going to say is
I don't think
that's the kind of
husband Christine needs.
Look, if you just don't want to get
married, that's one thing.
But if you're not getting married
because of what happened between us,
that's stupid.
That's not the reason.
Well, then,
what is the reason?
That is the reason.
I just don't like being called stupid, Beth!
Look,
I know I
made things rough
for you over the years.
But
our problems were every bit
as much my fault as yours.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Why didn't you
tell me this before?
I wanted you to suffer.
Why are you
telling me this now?
Because I think you and Christine
have a chance to be happy,
and people just don't get that
many chances in their lives.
Merry Christmas, Hayden.
Wow. Thanks, Beth.
Hey, wait a...
Beth, wait a minute.
I mean, Beth, are you happy?
I'm very happy.
Really?
Look at your shoes.
Oh, that stupid reindeer!
In other news, heavy snow
tonight has crippled
much of Minneapolis,
making travel almost impossible.
Our News 6 "Santa Radar" has
been combing the northern skies
in search of Santa
and his reindeer.
When last spotted,
they were over Greenland
headed towards the Twin Cities.
We'll keep you updated.
I'll be back with the weather
for the vacationing Jess Gale,
and sports for the vacationing
Bob Clifton, and a commentary
on behalf of the
vacationing Howell Putnam.
BILL: (OVER P.A.) We're clear.
Hayden, what in the
world are you doing here?
I just wanted to wish you
a merry Christmas, Christine.
You drove all the way to Minneapolis
in a blizzard to tell me that?
No, I wanted
to talk, too.
I'm in the middle
of a broadcast right now.
Yeah, well,
that's okay, Christine,
'cause I'm pretty focused
about what I want to say.
Christine, I got this
wonderful gift tonight.
I found out from Beth that
I'm not a marriage killer.
What are you
getting at, Hayden?
BILL: One minute.
Yeah, okay, well, see,
what I'm getting at is
two months ago you
were willing to spend
the rest of your
life with me, huh?
And if I could
commit to that,
would you still have me?
I mean,
don't answer yet.
Just let me make sure that we
understand each other, okay?
See, I am not
a traditional guy, okay?
I mean, see, I'm not
going to be coming home
at 5:00 for dinner
every night.
That's good, because
nobody would be there.
Pardon?
Did you think I was going
to be home every night
cooking you dinner?
You won't be?
No!
Not ever?
I do the news
five nights a week.
I'm doing the news
right now!
BILL: Thirty seconds.
So, what is
your point, Hayden?
Hold on here, Christine.
I'm still thinking about
this dinner thing.
Okay, marriage is a give and take thing.
We can settle this later.
The point is,
if we were to get married,
I wouldn't have to change
who I am, right? I mean,
nothing would change, right?
Well, of course
something would change.
Our relationship
would change.
Marriage would mean that we
had committed to each other,
that both of us
had someone we could
cherish and enjoy
and count on for
the rest of our lives.
That's all, right?
I think that's a lot.
Well, it is, it is,
but I'm sure I could do that.
You could?
Pretty sure.
Yeah. Pretty sure.
So, what are
you saying, Hayden?
BILL: Five seconds.
Damn! I'll be right back.
In three, two...
Hi.
We're back.
And now for a commercial.
BILL: We're clear.
Christine, what the
hell are you doing?
We just had a commercial!
Just give me
a minute here, Bill.
You've got 30 seconds.
So what is it
you were saying?
Christine, I know we're not going
to be doing this right away,
but, Christine, I love you.
I love you more than
anything else in the world.
Will you marry me?
Are you really sure
you want to do this?
I mean, you're not
just having
a miserable time
and trying to save
your Christmas Eve,
are you?
Christine, I love you.
If I were to lose you,
I'd hate myself forever.
And I'm not going to lie,
it would pull my Christmas
out of the crapper.
Oh, Hayden.
Yes, I will marry you.
Oh, boy!