Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 11 - When Hayden Met Christine - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

You wanted to
see me, Coach?

Dauber,

Fred Webb is cutting class again
and I want you to chew his butt.

Me, Coach?
That's right.

You're an assistant coach,
part of your job is handing out discipline.

I want you to get some
experience with this.

Come on, he's in the team room.
Let's go.

All right,
listen up, Fred.

Dauber has something he wants to say to you.
Go ahead, Daub.

Uh,



Fred, uh,

you know, education is really the
cornerstone of a successful life.

Dauber.

(WHISPERING)

Fred, we're sick and tired
of you cutting class!

From now on we want you to
take your education seriously!

This is college,
not summer camp!

And you treat college with respect and
you put your nose to the grindstone,

and you get your degree,
or your butt is off this team!

Do I make
myself clear?

Wait a minute, Dauber, you've been
going to school here for eight years.

You don't have
a degree yet.

We're not talking about me,
we're talking about you!

Yeah, Sandy? You're not
going to believe who this is.



No.

No.

No, not him either.

It's Hayden.

Sandy?

Oh, damn.

Well, we got your tux.
You ready for tonight?

No, I can't find
a stupid date.

You still don't have a date for the charity ball?
It starts in three hours.

Maybe I can find
a stupid date.

I haven't called
Brandy yet.

Dad, why did you wait
till the last minute?

Because I thought maybe
Christine would call

and we'd go together,
you know?

I mean, come on,
we are co-chairpersons of this thing.

It makes sense for
us to go together.

But no.

Apparently, since we broke up,
Christine believes we shouldn't be dating either.

Is there anything wrong
with going alone?

Yeah, I'd look
like a dweeb.

Dad, why are you letting
this night make you so crazy?

Because this is the same charity event
where Christine and I met four years ago.

I never knew that.

The best night
of my life.

I mean, it didn't
start out that way.

Couldn't get
a date then either.

Come on, Candy, I know it's the last
minute, but I'm really in a jam here.

I didn't know until this morning
that I had to go to this thing.

Don't give me that excuse.
You've been putting that off for years.

You can take your high school
equivalency exam anytime.

Just a second. What?

Excuse me, Coach Fox.

Yeah, what is it?

It's me, Mike Dybinski here.
I need to talk to you.

Yeah, okay, come on in.
I'm on the phone.

Oh, gee, Candy,
you can't do this to me.

I don't want to go
to this thing by myself.

Come one, it's going
to be really a lot of fun.

Walter Mondale's
going to be there,

plus a whole lot
of other celebrities.

He's a former
Vice-President.

Of the United States!

Oh, jeez, Candy.

Okay, this ends it
between us, all right?

I got to start dating
a better class of women.

So what's your problem? I thought you
were gonna be with all the other seniors

getting your pictures
taken for the yearbook.

That's the problem.
I just found out I'm not a senior.

What do you mean you're not a senior?
You've been on the team for four years.

I know.

I just found out I don't have enough
credits to graduate this spring.

How far away from
graduation are you?

If I hit the books and study
and go to summer school, I'd say

two and a half years.

Two and a half years?
Jeez, Dybinski!

Hayden, do you...
Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Dybinski.
Hi, Coach.

What's going on?

I just found out Dauber's
not gonna graduate.

Why not, Dauber?
It's fun.

You get to wear 3 cap and
gown, your dad will be there...

Luther! It's not that he
doesn't want to graduate.

He doesn't have
enough credits.

Jeez, you made that promise to his mother on
her deathbed you'd make sure he graduates.

I know, I know.

My scholarship runs out
at the end of this year.

I can't afford
to stay in school.

What about if I make you
like a student assistant?

What's that?

It's kind of like an
assistant coach in training.

I'd be a coach?
Yeah, in training.

You know, I mean,
you'd empty wastebaskets,

run errands, wash our cars
and everything.

Wow! Me a coach!

Yeah, that's a big deal.

Remember,
it's only temporary,

you really have
to knuckle down.

I can't keep you
on here forever.

Hey, don't worry, Coach.

If I can't graduate
in six and a half years,

I don't deserve to be
an assistant assistant.

You're the best, Coach.
Thanks.

Nice kid.
Slow, but a nice kid.

Yeah.

Did you get a date
for tonight?

No, you're going with me.

(GROANS)

I'll pick you up at 6:30.
And don't worry, I'm gonna pay for your tuxedo.

I have to wear a tuxedo?
You didn't tell me that.

I told you
it was black tie.

Well, you didn't tell me
I had to wear a tuxedo!

Jeez, Hayden, I'll tell you,
I wish you'd get a steady girlfriend

so you'd have someone to go with
to these things instead of me.

When I find a woman I get along with
as well as I do with you, I will.

And that woman turned
out to be Christine.

Yeah. And now I have to go back
there tonight and see her again.

I can't go to this
thing by myself.

Would it be
okay if I spoke?

It's risky, but go ahead.

What if you took
Luther again?

No, no, I am not
gonna do that.

I've dragged him to too
many of these things already.

You know, he hates formal affairs and I'm
not going to put him through that again.

I don't care how many people I have to
call, lam not asking Luther.

(BAND PLAYING SOFT JAZZ)

I hate it when you
drag me to these things.

Would you quit complaining?
You've been griping ever since we left home.

Well, you know I hate
to wear tuxedos.

The collar's
always too tight,

and this cucumber
never stays put.

Would you quit
calling it a cucumber?

It's a cummerbund.
Cucumber is a vegetable.

A cummerbund is
3 tuxedo accessory.

Well, they both
upset my stomach.

Just quit dancing around.

I can't help it,
my feet hurt.

Oh, jeez, Luther,
you're like an old lady.

How am I like an old lady?
I can't help it if I have bad arches.

I wish you had these
feet for just one day.

You'd give them back to me in five
minutes, I'll tell you that.

Oh, God, your feet are shot,
your knees are shot,

how do you even get
out of bed in the morning?

I start very early.

You want to sit down?
I'm sure you'll be more comfortable.

Not with this
cucumberbund, I won't.

Oh, jeez,
there she is.

Where?

HAYDEN: Oh man,
doesn't she look great?

I don't know who
that is she's with,

but I tell you one thing,
he's one lucky guy.

You're a lucky guy, too.

Oh yeah,
I'm the luckiest guy alive.

My date had to shave
and put in arch supports.

I ought to play lotto
tonight, I'm so lucky.

I remember four years ago,
when we walked in here,

you weren't feeling
too good then, either.

And if you
remember correctly,

that evening
turned out okay.

I remember.

I remember every detail
about that night.

I just hate it when you
drag me to these things.

Would you quit complaining?
You've been whining ever since we left home.

Well, look at me?

I feel like
Engelbert Pumpernickel.

It's Humperdinck.

What is?

The guy's name. It's Engelbert
Humperdinck, not pumpernickel.

Pumpernickel is bread.

Well, whatever, if you hadn't have
told me about this at the last minute,

I could have gotten a black
tux like everybody else.

Well, it's a good thing Bobby
and the Blue Notes broke up.

Or they'd be singing tonight and
you wouldn't have anything to wear.

They probably broke up
because of these suits.

Wait a minute,
who's that?

Who's who?

The woman over there. I think that's the
most beautiful girl I've ever seen, Luther.

That's Mrs. Hubert Humphrey.

No, not her.

The one on the left.
The one who's my age.

That's Christine Armstrong.

Who's she?

Christine Armstrong,
the newscaster on Channel Six.

Jeez, don't you
ever watch TV?

Of course,
I watch TV.

I don't watch the news.

Maybe she's married.
I'm going to go find out.

I'm going to check
out the crab claws.

And I said to him, I agree it's a wonderful
headline, but it never happened.

Hello.

Hysterical story.

I was laughing so hard I thought stuff
was going to come out of my nose.

I mean that
as a compliment.

Hey, hi, I'm Hayden Fox.

Christine Armstrong.
Oh, yeah, I know.

World famous
Christine Armstrong.

Everybody knows Christine Armstrong.
You're a newscaster.

That's right.

I'm Hayden Fox.

I know.
That's what you just said.

Listen, I don't come to these
things very often, so I...

I don't know what the proper etiquette is or
anything, but I just want to tell you.

I think you're about the sexiest
woman I've ever seen in my whole life.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on, I can't be the
first guy to ever tell you that.

You're the first guy
to ever tell me that

who wasn't working on
a construction site.

I'm going to take
that as a compliment.

You married?

Excuse me?

Well, I don't want to go
fishing if the pond is empty.

Suddenly I've become the
sexiest trout you've ever seen.

Oh, wait, wait, wait a minute.
This is coming out all wrong.

I mean, I didn't
mean to offend you.

Let me start over.
I'm Hayden Fox, and ll...

I just think you're an
incredibly attractive woman.

Well, thank you.

And I was just wondering if we could
go someplace and kiss or something.

Do you always come on
to women this way?

No, of course not. You're the first
woman who's ever excited me so much

to come up with all
this great stuff.

Well, great as it is, I really think
I should be getting back to my date.

Who's your date?

The Lieutenant Governor.

Wow. You're still awake?

I mean, are you guys serious
about each other or what?

I wouldn't know, this is the
first time we've ever been out.

Now please,
I really have to get back.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Can I call you?

I don't even know you.

Oh, yeah, you do. I told you I'm Hayden
Fox, I'm a football coach.

I mean, although it must seem like I live
an incredibly full life, there is this

huge void where you belong.

Look, this is all very charming
in a sledgehammer sort of way...

Look, I didn't mean to steamroll
you, I didn't.

But I'm an impatient guy. And when I see
something I want, I just go after it.

All I want to do
is just call you.

Fine. I'm at Channel Six.
I'm there every day.

You can call
the switchboard.

Oh, that's great.
Thank you.

But, I'm gonna
back off for now

because I don't want
to seem pushy, right?

Unless you like pushy.

Do you like pushy?

I really have to go.

Right, oh...

Now listen, I haven't
struck out here, have 1?

I mean, you don't hate me
or anything, do you?

I don't hate you.

Then I'm gonna call you.
You said I could call you.

You can call me.

Christine,

I just want to tell you,
that dress is driving me out of my mind.

Just felt I had
to tell you that.

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.

How'd you do?
I think I'm in love.

Me, too. This is the best buffet
I've ever seen in my life.

Excuse me, Miss Armstrong,
there's a telephone call for you.

Oh, thank you.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Hello?

You said I could
call you.

Who... Who is this?

Surprise.

You!
Yeah.

(CHUCKLING)

What do you think
you're doing?

Well, I tried you at the station,
but they said you were here.

This... This is all
very flattering,

but I really am going
to get annoyed in a minute.

No, no, no. Don't get annoyed.
That's not what I'm going for here.

I told you,
I'm with someone.

So am I,
but now I want to be with you.

This is insane. I came with someone.
I can't just dump him.

Why not?

Because I don't do
things like that.

Start tonight.

Start building a reputation
for becoming unpredictable.

I like
the reputation I have.

What reputation
is that?

You always do the right thing,
that you're a proper lady,

you always think about
everything before you do it?

I mean,
what fun is that?

Tonight, you could get hit by a bus
and what will it say on your tombstone?

"She had a killer body,
but she never left a party with a stranger.”

Well, I'll just have
to live with that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going back to the man I came with.

Wow!

Is there a problem?

No, it was just a nuisance call.
I'm sorry.

Would you like
to dance?

I'd love to,
thank you.

(BAND PLAYING SOFT JAZZ)

How's it going?

Not great.

She insists on leaving
with the guy she came with.

See, that's the problem
with going after classy women.

They have this code
that's unbelievable.

So what are you
going to do?

Figure out a way
to break the code.

How'd you like to do
me a little favor?

If you won't think
I'm too forward,

can I ask you
a personal question?

Certainly.

Do you think there should be a
state excise tax on dairy products?

Oh, please, Stephen,
you're making me blush.

Excuse me, sir, but you have an
urgent phone call from the Governor.

They just won't leave us
alone, will they, Christine?

If you'll excuse me.

Certainly.

Hi.

I couldn't help noticing
you lost your partner.

Mind if I fill in?

I think you should know,
my date is coming back.

Yeah, I think you should know,
he's not coming back for a while.

I don't understand. If it was so
important for the Governor to speak to me,

why did he go to the bathroom
before I could get to the phone?

Uh...

I don't know, we all had burritos
here at the mansion tonight.

Maybe this is the first time
the can was free.

I'm going to tell
Stephen what you did.

Oh, no. Wait a minute.

Come on, you're going to be with
him for the rest of the night.

All I have left
is this dance.

And then, if you
say the word,

I'll be out of
your life forever.

Fine, one dance.

But when this song
is through, that's it.

Fair enough.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

What are we
doing out here?

Just give me two
seconds to talk to you.

I thought you wanted to dance.
Or was that a trick?

No, I do! I do!
I want to dance.

Christine, I think there's something
magical going on here tonight.

And if we don't take advantage of
it, it's just going to go away.

You can stop dancing.

It's not me,
it's the magic.

Okay.

Listen, Christine, I know everything
I'm doing here seems a little nuts,

and everything I'm saying sounds like a
line, but they're not lines.

They're from my heart.

See,

I got a feeling that I got
struck by lightning tonight

and this is
what's coming out.

And you can tell me
if I'm crazy,

but I saw the look in your
eyes the moment you saw me

and I think you got
struck by lightning too.

The only thing that struck me
is that I think you're arrogant,

I think you're rude,
I think you're presumptuous.

Do you think I'm cute?

A little.

Then let's
seize the moment.

Let's break some rules.

I've never been
with a woman like you,

and I've got a feeling you've
never been with a guy like me.

I didn't even know
there were guys like you.

Then let's see what happens when
lightning strikes lightning.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

That was coincidence,
right?

I got a feeling

you're not as proper
as you think you are.

I'm not?

I think there's
an animal in there.

A wild animal that
doesn't care about rules.

Oh, you talk too much.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

Oh... We can't leave.
Everyone will notice.

But not if we go over the balcony
and shimmy down the rainspout.

Okay, okay,
just let me think.

Oh, I can't do
this to Stephen.

I mean, he is really a sweet
guy, and I really respect him.

I just...
I can't run out on him.

Well,

what if we tell him
a really good lie?

Okay.

We'll tell him you're sick.
and I'm an old friend,

and I got to take you home and that
way he can stay and enjoy the ball.

What if he doesn't want
to stay and enjoy the ball?

What if he insists
on driving me home?

Okay, then we'll
tell him the truth

and we'll run.
Okay.

There you are.
I wondered where you were.

I was out
on the balcony.

Getting sick.
Yeah.

Are you all right?

Well, I think she's got a touch of hyperflaxia.
I'm an old friend, by the way.

(STAMMERING) I'm not sure it's hyperflaxia,
but I really do think I should go home.

Of course,
we'll leave right away.

Well, see, actually,
I was going to take her, Steve.

You?

Well, I think she needs to lie
down, and I've got a flatbed.

Right, right.

And I really am feeling kind
of faint and slightly flaxic.

Oh, I'd better get
her out of here.

Listen, I just wanna tell you it was an
honor meeting a man who was almost governor.

Oh, don't worry, everybody.
She's gonna be fine.

I just need to
get her into bed.

Broke the code, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Yes sir, that was
one great night.

Yeah, great for you.
You didn't have to ride home with Stephen.

You know, that was the beginning
of the best four years of my life.

There she is, over there.
Why don't you just go up and say hi?

No, I've phoned her and
bothered her enough already.

I'm going to leave
her alone tonight.

Listen, I'm gonna go out on
the terrace and get some air.

Is it okay
if I eat your pie?

Yeah, go ahead.

I think the lady
next to me left.

Is it okay
if ll eat hers?

I understand you can
catch a mean case of

hyperflaxia if you
stay out here too long.

Hi.

Hi.

I was

gonna come over
and say something,

but I didn't know
if I'd be bothering you.

You with anybody?

No.

Are you?

No.

Luther.

This is hard,
isn't it?

All I've been think about all
evening long is the night we met.

I know.

You know, I wish there was
some way we could go back.

Funny, I wish there was
some way we could go forward.

Excuse me, Miss Armstrong,
they want you for a picture.

Thank you.

It's good to
see you again.

I have to go.

I'm sorry.