Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Man and a Woman (and Two Theater Majors) - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

(MEN CHATTERING)

Hey, Fred,
what are you doing?

Seeing if I'm down to weight
for Saturday's game.

Are you?

No.

Hey, wait a minute,
hold this.

Bingo!

Well, thanks.
I'll see you guys later.

So what's this secret play
you wanted to show us, Daub?

Okay.



We line up heavy
on the right side.

So everyone's
expecting us to go right.

But we don't.

We go left.

Right.

Well, here's the part
of the play

that I like to think of
as revolutionary.

We pass to Fred

who flies down the field
for the touchdown.

Wait a minute, Daub,
Fred weighs over 300 pounds.

He's not going to fly anywhere unless
he's strapped to a booster rocket.

But once he's got the ball,
nobody can pull him down.

How do you know?
You've never seen Fred run with a ball.

No, but I have seen him
run with a ham.



Couple of days ago we had
this big ham in the cafeteria.

All of a sudden Fred grabs the
ham and he heads for the door.

The team goes after him.
It was incredible.

Sixty guys trying to haul
down Fred and his ham.

They couldn't do it, Coach.

I was there, Hayden. He's right.
He showed no mercy.

He must have
dragged me 30 feet.

So what do you
think, Coach?

Well, I think you've got a
motivational problem, you know, Daub.

Fred commandeering a ham
is one thing.

See, he's motivated.

But running
for the winning touchdown

in front of 40,000
screaming fans

doesn't mean as much to Fred
as, say, a nice ham.

Yeah, you're right.

It looked so good
on paper.

Welcome to coaching, bud.

(STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
PLAYING ON STEREO)

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, no. No, no, no!

Oh!

My, oh my!

Happy anniversary,
Christine.

Happy anniversary,
Hayden.

That's for the first year.

That's for the second year.

And that's for the third year.

And that's for throwing
your sock in the fire.

You saw?
Yeah.

I just wanted
to be perfect.

Hey, you know something,
Christine,

you are gonna be in for one
unforgettable anniversary weekend.

The only reason we'll
have to leave this cabin

is to go to the game tomorrow.
And I'm not even sure about that.

I think they'd miss you.

Yeah? Not half as much
as I'd miss you.

I'd be right there
in the stands.

Yeah. You and 40,000
other people.

But I'd be the only one there with
nothing on under her stadium jacket.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Okay.
We'll go to the game.

Christine, can we talk
like this all the time?

This reminds me so much
of the night we met.

I've got something else that'll
remind you of that night.

Oh, Hayden!

Yeah. It's to make up
for that old robe of mine

you had to wear that first
weekend we spent here.

Oh! Oh, it's gorgeous!

Yeah.

You know something,
Christine,

when I walked into that charity
dinner or whatever that thing was

and I saw you standing across
the room in that black dress,

I don't think

I have ever seen
anything sexier in my life.

Until the next morning when you were
standing by my window in my bathrobe.

That robe was horrible.

It was so thin you could
practically see through it.

Especially when you were
standing by the window.

Did I ever tell you that I
almost didn't go to that dinner?

I remember I was
in a terrible mood.

I was tired.

But it was for charity,

and I knew I was gonna be
sitting next to the Governor,

so I thought I would do
the upstanding, moral thing.

Little did I know
that two hours later

I would end up
in the backseat of a truck

making out
with a football coach.

To charity.

Shall I go put this on?

It would be the upstanding,
moral thing to do.

(HUMMING STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT)

(EXCLAIMS)
Dad?

You said if I ever had a problem
I could always come to you.

1 did?

Well, here I am.

My marriage is over.

What?

Oh, Dad! Stuart and I
had a horrible fight.

I walked out on him.

(SOBBING)

Oh, Daddy, it was awful!

We were yelling
and screaming.

I saw a side of Stuart
I'd never seen before.

It's okay, sweetheart.
Come on.

What did you fight about?

The theater.

Stuart says it's dead
and I say it's alive.

You're kidding.

Dad, the life or death of the
theater is a very big issue for us.

It's our whole future.

Yeah, but it's not something
you end a marriage over.

I mean, I know
what you end a marriage over

and believe me,
this isn't it.

(SCATTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Kelly!
What a nice surprise.

Hayden,
isn't this a surprise?

Yeah!

I'm sure surprised.

(STAMMERING)
I'll be right back.

Did I come at a bad time?

It's not a bad time, sweetheart.
It's a tricky time.

It's just that I have
nowhere else to go

and I really need you.

Oh, well...

No, honey.
You know, what you need

is some open communication
with Stuart.

In your own home.
Just as soon as possible.

Dad, how can I communicate
with a man who thinks

that the very thing
we live for is dead?

Kelly, does it really matter
if the theater is dead?

I mean, there's no future
in that anyway.

Now if you told me that computer
programming or nursing were dead...

Dad!

I can't believe
I come here for support

and you're trivializing
my life!

Oh, honey, I'm not
trivializing your little life.

I'm just trying to get you
lovebirds back together again.

But how can I go home when
it's become painfully obvious

that Stuart and I see the world
in completely different ways?

I mean, we no longer
share our raison d'etre.

Kelly, you know,
there comes a time in every couple's life

when you don't share
each other's raisins.

But, I mean, no problem is
ever solved by running away.

You do it all the time.

Yeah, well, that's how
I know it doesn't work.

Now listen, if you and Stuart
really had a problem,

I would put my whole life on
hold to help you. I mean it.

But I don't think
you do, honey.

Besides, this is
a big weekend for me. So...

(SOBBING)
What is going on?

Kelly and Stuart
had a little spat.

Why'd you take
the robe off?

It was more
than just a spat.

We have discovered we're
completely incompatible.

Oh, give me a break!

Kelly, is there anything
I can do to help?

No, the only one that can help
is stupid Stuart.

He's too pigheaded
to admit he's wrong.

But thank you.
At least somebody cares.

Hey, I care!

No, you don't.
You just want to get rid of me.

But I care.

Did you want
to stay here tonight?

(SOBBING)

Christine, Kelly and Stuart
are giving up on their marriage

because they can't agree on
whether or not the theater's dead!

But it's more
than just that!

He doesn't understand.
He couldn't possibly understand.

You never understand
anything I say.

What the hell
does that mean?

(SOBBING)

Oh, great! Well,
she's locked herself in the bathroom.

This is going to ruin
the whole night.

Hayden, what is the matter
with you?

We'll pick up where
we left off tomorrow.

I knew this was going to
happen when they got married.

They have a silly
little argument

and I've got champagne
going flat.

Why don't you just
make us some coffee?

I have a feeling it's going
to be a long night.

Kelly?

Coffee?

(SNIFFING)

Oh, man!

(GROANS)

Geez!

Great. I burned up
a good sock for nothing!

What do we love to do?

ALL: Kill!

(SLEEPILY) Who we gonna kill?

ALL: The Wildcats!

How're we gonna kill "em?

Quickly and painfully!

Who we gonna kill?

Hayden,
you already said that.

Oh, good, we're done then.
God bless you guys.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hayden, you all right?
You seem a little out of it.

I'm beat. I mean, I didn't get
to sleep till 4:00 this morning.

Oh, that's right. You're celebrating
the old anniversary, huh?

No, I was talking
to my insane daughter.

She and Stuart had this fight
and it ruined the whole night.

What were they
fighting about?

"Is the theater
alive or dead?"

Which theater?
The Crown or the Majestic?

Coach, I think I've worked
out the kinks in my play.

You thought that winning wouldn't be
as important to Fred as the ham, right?

Well, I've figured out a way for
everybody to get what they want.

You've got
ten seconds, Daub.

Okay, we get a ham,

we give it to
a cheerleader.

We put them both
in the end zone.

That's the motivation!

When Fred sees her
with that ham,

he'll deliver the ball
for a touchdown.

What do you think, Coach?
Should we try it?

I'm not making any promises,
but have a ham standing by.

They're putting
the pineapple on now.

I'll see you guys
out on the field later.

Right.

Hey, Daub, did you hear about them
closing down all the theaters in town?

Ready to go?

In a second.

Dad, I don't know why you
dragged me to this game.

I'm really not
in the mood for football.

Actually, sweetheart,
you're not here to see the game.

You're here to save
your marriage.

What are you talking
about, Hayden?

Well, if she won't talk to
Stuart in her own apartment,

she can talk to him here.

Stuart's coming here?

You know, Stuart's a lot more
sensible than one might think.

He knows that the only way to solve a
problem is through open communication.

What did you do?

I didn't have time
for negotiation.

Park him on the couch,
fellas.

Thanks, 9.

Now you guys go on up there
and you tell Luther I said

you two get to sit
next to the heater.

All right, Coach!
Yes, Coach!

Hayden, you kidnapped him?

Listen, lam just trying to
get the two of them together.

I'm calling the police.
No, you're not.

You're going to sit here and
you're gonna talk to your wife.

Now you two
want to be together,

so you're going
to be together.

This is barbaric.

Dad, you have
no right to interfere.

I have every right!

I couldn't get into my bathroom
for six hours last night.

Hi, everybody.

Sorry to interrupt.
You want to kickoff or to receive?

We won the toss.

Well, I want
to receive, Luther.

That's what I figured.

I just didn't want you to think I was
trying to take the team away from you.

Oh, by the way,
I don't know whether it'll help or not,

but I just found out
it's the Crown that's closed.

The Majestic's just undergoing
some renovation.

Now, look, I'm gonna try
to go up there,

and I'm gonna try to win
that football game, all right.

And then I'm gonna go home and
I'm gonna start celebrating

this great anniversary weekend I should
have started celebrating yesterday.

And you, young lady,
are gonna be happily married and gone

by the time I get there.
Do you read me?

Good. Let's go, Christine.

Somebody order a ham?

Yeah, follow me.

Great. Her bag's gone.

She's gone.

We won the game.

If I can just stay awake,
we can still have that great weekend.

Happy anniversary, Christine.

This is so awkward.

Stuart?
What are you doing here?

Kelly threw me out!

HAYDEN:
She threw you out?

I put you two together so you could
patch things up. What happened?

We agreed that the whole subject
of the theater being dead

was simply too volatile.

So we decided
never to discuss it again.

After all, there are myriad other
subjects we enjoy discussing.

Hey, fast forward, would you, Stu?
Just fast forward!

We got a weekend
to get to here!

Well, we were
on our way home

chatting about the depletion
of the rainforests,

happy as a couple
of snowy egrets,

when we passed
the Little Theater

and everything erupted
all over again!

Kelly ran home
and locked me out.

Which was fine with me because
as far as I'm concerned,

this marriage is dead!

Along with the theater.

God, why do acting students
have to be so dramatic?

Your marriage isn't dead.

And even if it was,
what the heck are you doing here?

I just felt I needed
to be with family.

Your family is in Wisconsin,
aren't they?

Well, that's just great.

Another door
gets slammed in my face.

Oh, Stuart, wait!

Did he go in the bathroom?

Yes.
I can't believe this.

Okay, first thing tomorrow
morning I'm taking that door off

and hanging a beaded curtain.

I'm beginning to think this
weekend just wasn't meant to be.

It wasn't meant to be for four
people, I'll tell you that!

I'm calling Kelly
and getting her over here

and putting an end to this
stupid fight once and for all.

Those two aren't mature enough to be
dating, let alone mating.

Kelly, this is your father.
Now, don't hang up.

Well, that's my fault.
I gave her the idea.

Now who are you calling?

Calling 9 and 46.

You know, the two guys from this morning.
I don't know their names.

Hi, this is Coach,
who's this?

Hey, 9, what's happening?

Listen, I got
another job for you.

I don't know what's
taking them so long.

While we're waiting
for Kelly,

why don't you put
the bathroom door back on?

No one's going in that bathroom
until this is all settled.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Is that them?
Yeah. That's 9's car.

I'd like to know what makes you think
you can force us into making up.

Nobody is forcing anybody
to do anything, Stuart.

I can't believe you would do
this to your own daughter!

I am never speaking
to you again!

Do you know how many times
you've said that to me?

Thanks a lot, 9, 46.

I want you to know something.
From now on, you're number one in my book.

Al right!
Thanks, Coach!

You're despicable!

See, you're speaking
to me already.

Now, why don't you have
a seat there on the couch

and we'll get started.

Now what we've got here
is a marriage in the toilet.

Unfortunately,
it keeps winding up in my toilet

so I guess it's gonna be
up to me to fix this.

I know you two don't think I know what I'm
talking about when it comes to marriage.

Granted I may not know
what makes a marriage work,

but I practically invented
what doesn't work.

And topping the list
is not talking to one another

because you had
some stupid fight.

I mean, everybody fights.
Every couple fights.

Christine and I have known
each other for three years.

Three years tonight,
if anybody here cares.

And we fight all the time.

But we don't lock each other out of our
houses or lock ourselves in the bathroom.

Well, we do that sometimes.

Yeah, but we always
come out.

The point is,
we don't give up on the relationship

just because we don't agree
on everything. See?

What makes
a relationship strong

is realizing that the other person
is going to be there for you

to slog through the times
when you don't agree.

I mean, look at Christine.

Look at the stuff she's
had to put up with with me.

Talk about slogging.

Well, you know how I am.
I'm moody, I get mad, I'm obsessive,

you know, I can be
a little controlling.

I don't know anybody that would put up with that.
I wouldn't put up with that.

But she puts up with it.
And I don't know why.

But I know
how it makes me feel.

For the first time
in my life I feel safe.

I've got someone in this world
that knows exactly who I am,

and she loves me anyway.

And that makes me want
to make things safe for her.

That's love, you guys.

It ain't pretty,

but it's something
you can count on.

Now I don't know if anything I've
said here makes any sense to you two,

but if it does, then I would like
to see some making up starting here,

right about now,

because my anniversary weekend is
turning into an anniversary minute.

I want to make things
safe for you, Kelly.

I want to make things
safe for you, too.

I'm sorry I threw
your tap shoes at you.

I'm sorry
I called you bourgeois.

Sounds like there was blood
on the walls, doesn't it?

Hayden...
What?

What?

What?

What are we doing
out here?

We're giving them
some privacy.

We're giving them
our privacy.

It's just
for a few minutes.

It's cold out here.

Well, we'll get in the car
and drive around the lake.

I've seen the stupid
lake a thousand times.

Then we'll get in the car
and neck.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's start
our romantic weekend.

I think
we've already had it.

Where was 1?

I meant what you said
in there about us.

That was the nicest,
most romantic anniversary present

you could have given me.

It was?

Geez, I just said it
without even thinking.

That's what
I liked about it.

I wish we were inside.

I don't know. I think this is
kind of appropriate, actually.

The first time I ever kissed
you was in this truck.

I think it's kind of a nice way
to celebrate three years together.

I guess you're right.

You know,
it's funny, Christine,

but when we first got together it was
nothing but sex, sex, sex and more sex,

I thought, "Great.
Boy, here's a relationship that's finally gonna work."

But I never thought we'd get to all
that stuff I was talking about in there.

I mean,
this whole thing with you

is just so much better
than I ever imagined.

I'm just one lucky guy.

You're about
to get luckier.

Oh, boy, wait for me.
Christine!

Damn it!
My seat's stuck!

Every time this weekend
starts to get going...

Oh, yes, yes!