Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Investment - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Hayden, you seen
my Elvis towel?

Your Elvis towel?

Yeah. I got a towel
that Elvis wiped his face with

when he was performing
once in Las Vegas.

I paid $200 for it,
now it's gone!

You paid $200 for a towel?

It's not just a towel,

it was a sweaty towel.

That's why it's worth $200.

It was Elvis' sweat.



Don't look at me like I'm crazy.
I got papers to prove it.

Luther, why do you waste
your money on junk like that?

Junk? It was an investment.

You're the one who's always
telling us how we should invest!

Yeah, when I'm talking
about investments,

I'm talking about investing
in something serious.

You know, like real estate,
bonds or a solid business.

Something conservative.

This was conservative!

This was the most conservative thing
they had in the whole Elvis catalog.

You should've seen some of
the stuff they had in there.

I almost bought a bag of Elvis's
hair from a barber shop in Memphis,

but they wouldn't
guarantee it.

I mean, if it's Elvis',
it's gold,



but you know, if it wasn't,
you've got 2 $200 bag of hair.

If you've got $200
you want to invest,

why don't you invest in something
that can really do you some good?

Like shock therapy?

Hey, when a better investment
comes along I'll invest in it.

In the meantime,
I've got to find my towel.

What did it look like?

Well, it was a towel,
you know. White, Turkish...

Well, it was like that!

Oh, my God! Dauber!

JUDY: Don't you walk away from
me when I'm talking to you!

You bully! You sexist!

You underhanded,
chauvinist pig!

How did the budget meeting go?
I thought it went great.

It did not go great!

It was a sham,
you worm!

Hi, honey.
Hi.

How could you
do that to my program?

I wasn't doing anything
to your program.

I was defending
my program.

Besides, all's fair
in love and sports.

What happened?

They wouldn't
give me a lousy $1,500

to carpet
the women's locker room

so that when the floor is wet,
my girls will be less likely

to fall down and cause
themselves serious injury.

They can't fall down.
They've got feet like water skis.

Yeah? And you've got brains
like yesterday's grits.

Oh, yeah?
Well, we won the Civil War.

How come they wouldn't
give you the money?

Because Howard Burleigh
is the athletic director

and he and Hayden are in
some kind of boy's club.

And "the boys" decided
it'd be more important

to spend $1,500
on a pinball machine

for the football player's
lounge.

The boys need to unwind
after practice.

You know how tense
it gets around here.

You didn't need that pinball
machine and you know it!

You just made that up
on the spur of the moment

so that I couldn't get
my carpeting.

It's the same kind
of sexist garbage

I've been running up
against my entire career,

and I am sick of it!

They're cute when they're
angry, aren't they?

Yeah.

No.

Don't do this
to me, Coach.

You may have won
this round, Coach Fox,

but someday, some way,
I'm going to get even with you.

And when I do,
it is going to be sweet.

Well, until that day comes,
I'll be in the lounge playing pinball.

(GRUNTING)

Let me know
when you're ready for lunch.

I sure wish you two
got along better.

Dauber, you're gonna graduate
before that happens.

So you're saying
there's no end in sight?

Hayden, you got a minute?
I need to talk to you about something.

Is this private?
Kind of.

You know...

You know how the other day we were
talking about investing our money?

Yeah. I think I may
have found something.

What? Elvis' lobster fork?

I wish.

I was talking to Nick
about making an investment,

and he said why don't we
invest in the Touchdown Club.

The Touchdown Club?

Nick's gonna put it up for sale...
He's not in trouble, is he?

No, he wants to expand.
He says if we put up five, say, $10,000,

we could be part owners.

Hey, you guys owning part of the
Touchdown Club would be so neat!

I don't know, maybe it's a bad idea.
Why do you say that?

Because I'm thinking
about doing it.

Now wait a minute.

I think that
maybe it's a good idea.

I mean, we know Nick,
he's a great guy.

We know the Touchdown Club does a great business.
We eat there all the time.

They serve those
great big portions.

This could be exactly
what we've been looking for.

You think so?
What the heck we got to lose?

I'm gonna spend $10,000 a year
down there on flank steak alone.

I don't know,
it makes me kind of nervous.

What if the place
burns down,

or some nut decides
beef is bad for you?

We could be ruined.

You know, I'm going
to give Nick a call.

If you're in, I'm in.

Luther, I don't want you in if you're
going to be nervous about this.

No, I'm not going
to be nervous.

Then take your fingers
out of your mouth.

Put your fingers
back in your mouth.

Okay, I'm ready to go to
lunch, Michael.

Michael?

Michael's her pet name
for me.

Michael's
your real name, Daub.

That's true.

Do you mind
if we walk?

Maybe the cool air will help
me get over some of the hot air

that's been blowing
around in here all day.

Judy,

I'm gonna say this
as a friend.

If you're going to do some walking
around, don't you think

that you ought to put a red light on
your head so planes don't hit you?

Shouldn't you shut your mouth
so that they don't fly in?

Boy, is she annoying!

She's good at this,
but she's annoying!

Thank you, Herb.

Well, you're in the restaurant
business now, bud.

On the road
to financial security.

Nick, how long do you think it'll
be before we make our money back?

It's hard to tell.

But just remember,
for every dollar we take in,

a nickel of it
is yours.

Oh, Herb.

Did you hear that?

How many nickels before
we make $10,000 back?

Oh, come on.
Just relax, Luth.

Why don't you go salt
some hors d'oeuvres?

Good idea.

This is incredible.
Yeah.

It must make you feel so good to have all
these people here on your opening night.

Oh, well, it's nice to have
this many friends.

Hey, why don't we go glad-hand
some of the people, huh?

Hey, how's that meal?

So-so.

Well, that's what
we like to hear.

So, you're
the new owner, huh?

Yeah, part owner.

Looks like you guys
are doing great.

You think so?
Absolutely.

That cash register's
been ringing all night.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)
Hey, there it goes again!

I don't know much
about the restaurant business,

but I think
you've got a gold mine.

I don't know much
about it either,

but I hope
you're right.

Hi, Dad!
Oh, there they are!

Good evening, Miss Armstrong.
Hello, Stuart.

Wow, this is exciting!

I can't believe
you guys actually did this.

So, how does it feel to own
part of the Touchdown Club?

Well, I tell you,
it feels great.

And you should feel great,
too, kiddo,

'cause when I'm dead and gone,
three percent of this place is gonna be yours.

Ours.

We'll talk.

Now that you guys
are part owners

maybe you can finally get them
to expand the menu a little bit.

What's wrong
with the menu?

Nothing, except for the fact that
it's mostly murdered livestock.

And I love that.

I know you do.

I was just suggesting that
you might attract more people

if you added
some vegetarian dishes

and a whole grain
and oat bran bar.

We'd also attract birds and little tiny
animals, wouldn't we, Stu?

Stuart, why don't we get
some tea and sit down?

We'll see you guys later.
I'll send a bushel of wheat to your table.

Hey, Coach!
Hey, Dauber!

Hey, Carpet Queen!

Sorry about that handshake,
I know it's a little weak.

I've got a sore wrist
from playing pinball.

Can we go now?
Come on, wait, I was just kidding.

Judy's a little upset because I
outfoxed her at the budget meeting

a couple of weeks ago.

I'm still going to get you, Hayden.
Just wait.

Well, enough
shoptalk, huh?

Business is booming,
Coach.

Yeah, but this really isn't
business, Daub, it's more of a party.

It's just a chance
for me and Luther

to share our good fortune
with some of our friends.

Why don't you guys get a drink?
Thanks, Coach.

It's a cash bar, Daub.
Right.

It's nice to see you
again, Christine.

Oh, same here.

I don't know why you can't
get along with her, Hayden.

She always seems very nice to me.
Oh, yeah?

Well, you should see her at work.
She's aggressive,

competitive, overbearing.

Besides, she's self-obsessed
with her own little world.

I don't know why people like
that have to go into coaching!

(GLASS CLINKING)

Hey, everybody,
can I have your attention?

Luther wants to make a speech.

Well, actually
it's not a speech.

I just want to say something
without being interrupted.

As you all know,
I'm not the kind of person

that ever felt very
comfortable taking chances,

and if it hadn't been for my dear
friend, Hayden Fox,

I probably wouldn't have
taken this chance.

I'd probably be standing here

with a sweaty towel
and a bag of hair.

Instead, I'm part owner
of the Touchdown Club.

I don't know whether this is
coming out the way I wanted it to.

I just wanted you to know that what I
had to say is from the heart, people.

And here it is...

Here's to good friends.

Tonight is kind of special.

It doesn't get
any better than this.

Hayden, this one's
for you, bud.

This was great, Coach.
Thanks for having us.

Are you kidding?

You're part of the family.

Did you take care of your check?
Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Well, I hope this works out for
you, Hayden.

With the career you're having,
you're going to need something to fall back on.

That was sweet.
That was real sweet.

Now you watch your head
on the way out.

Dad, congratulations!

Thanks, sweetheart.
You drive home carefully.

We will, but we're going to stop
and get something to eat first.

Goodnight, Stuart.
Goodnight, Kelly.

Well, boy, that was quite a
night, wasn't it?

I know I've never
had one like it.

You three should be
very proud.

Proud? I'm thrilled.

It's the first time in my life anything
like this ever worked out for me.

Would it be okay with
you guys if I locked up?

You want to?

To tell you the truth,

I kind of hate
to see this evening end.

Everything's gone so well,
I'd kind of like to hang around

and celebrate
the moments of my life.

Fine by me.

Just drop the cash
in the drop safe

and lock the front door
when you leave.

You got it.

I guess this is good night
then, partners.

Good night, partner.
Good night, partner.

Partner.
Hey, partner.

Partner.
Partner.

After you, partner.
Okay, partner.

Hey, everybody left.
Oh, yeah.

I didn't know
you were still here.

I was in the bathroom.

Is it too late
for a nightcap?

Well, I'm not
the bartender.

What the heck?
I'm an owner.

I'll make myself a bartender.
What'll you have?

Everything in the register.
What?

Hey, listen,
I'm just a part owner.

Can I give you
part of the money?

Hey, wait a minute,
is this a gag?

No, this is a gun.

A gag is that thing we put in your
mouth to keep you from talking.

This is your
first robbery, isn't it?

Don't worry,
I'll walk you through it.

Now the easiest thing to do is
for you to give me the money

and we'll keep this friendly.
I'm not a bad guy.

I'll give you the money.

(STUTTERING) Could you just not
point that at me? I hate guns.

I'm sorry,
I have to point this at you.

I'm kind of a bad guy.

Just put everything
in here.

I can't believe this!

I knew something like this
would happen.

Every time I go out
on alimb

someone sets
the forest on fire.

Here, that's everything.

Now the safe.

I can't open it.
The safe's locked.

Don't you have
the combination?

No.

You're one of the owners,
and you don't know

the combination
to your own safe?

I was going to bring that up
at the next meeting.

Well, get somebody down here
who does know it,

because I'm not leaving
without that money.

(STUTTERING) Okay, calm down.

Sorry.

Let me think.

(STUTTERING) I'll call Nick.
I don't know his number either.

Hayden...
He's my partner, the...

I'll call Hayden.

But don't tell him you need the combination.
He might get suspicious.

What'll I tell him?

You'll think of something.

You came up
with that great toast.

No answer.
He's probably not home yet.

He'll be there in a second
though, I'm sure.

He just lives
a few minutes from here.

(PHONE RINGING)

I hope he and Christine didn't
stop at the lake to neck.

Hayden, I'm sorry,

but it's just so cold
out there tonight.

It wouldn't have taken
that long.

Hello?
Hayden?

Luther?
Yeah.

How you doing?

I'm fine. You saw me
five minutes ago.

What are you calling me for?

Listen, could you come on back down
here to the restaurant for a minute?

Why?

I miss you.

What?

That's not the only reason.

My key. I can't find my key.

(STUTTERING) I lost my key.
The key... I don't have the key.

What you mean you lost your key?
You just got it tonight.

(STUTTERING) I know, I can't find
it, I misplaced it. It's lost.

I can't find it.

Come on, Luther, I just got home.
I mean, it's cold...

It's only five minutes, Hayden!
Couldn't you come down here?

(BABBLING)

You don't want me to leave
the place unlocked, do you?

No, no.

It'd be just our luck,
we'd get robbed.

(FEIGNED LAUGHTER)

Would that be ironic or what?

Yeah, okay,
I'll be right down.

Luther lost his key?

Yeah, I gotta go down
there and lock up.

Hey, wait a minute.

What was that for?

For being a good friend
and a good partner.

I know it's late
and you're tired

and you could have gotten mad about
having to go back there, but you didn't.

Well, you know, this is a big
night for Luther and everything.

I wouldn't want to
spoil it for him.

You want me
to come with you?

That's really
sweet of you,

but I'd just be driving fast
and swearing the whole way.

I'll see you
when I get back.

Now, I'm only telling you this
because I like you

and I respect
the small businessman.

You've got to have some kind
of security system here.

That could be an alarm,
that could be hidden cameras,

that could be
your vicious attack dog,

not a favorite of mine,
but effective.

You might even want
to consider having a gun.

But do me a favor.

If you get a gun,
get a license and learn how to use it.

Because guns don't kill people.
People kill people.

You've given me
a lot to think about.

Well, I'm the kind of guy who doesn't
like to take something for nothing.

So where's your friend?

You said he was gonna be
here five minutes ago.

If he doesn't get here soon,
I'm gonna miss tucking my kids in.

HAYDEN: Hey, Luther.

Oh, I didn't realize
somebody else was here.

Having a nightcap?

Well, I hope
it's the expensive stuff.

Hayden Fox.
I'm an owner.

John Dillinger.
I'm a robber.

What?
This is a holdup.

What?
He's not kidding, Hayden.

Sorry to drag you down here like
this, big fella,

but if you could pop open the
safe, I'll be on my way.

This is a robbery?

On our opening night?

And you dragged me down here
just to get involved in this?

What do you want me to do?
I don't have the combination. He needs it!

HAYDEN: Well, I don't have it!

What do you mean you don't have it?
I thought you knew it!

Well, I just got it today.
How would I know it?

Why would I need
to know it?

I can think of a reason.

Where is it?

It's at my brother
the cop's house.

Oh, please!

Hayden, he knows
you don't have a brother.

Oh, thank you, Luther!

Well, how dumb
do you think he is?

Well, he's a criminal!
What do you think, he's got a PhD?

I don't know! I know he's going
to take home more money tonight

than we are!

Thanks to you!
What do you mean thanks to me?

I didn't want to invest in a
restaurant in the first place.

I could be home now with a sequin
cape and a rhinestone cummerbund

and be perfectly happy!

Hey, no judgment here.

I just want
what's in the safe.

Now, what's the combination?

Well, tell him!
I told you, I don't have it!

Where is it?

It's in my desk
at the office.

Well, go get it!
Okay.

No, Coach.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're not going anywhere. Okay.

God, this is
getting complicated.

We're going to need
another player.

Who can we get
to go to your office,

get the combination,

who won't suspect anything
or ask any questions?

I can't think
of anybody else.

What about Dauber?

Well, thank you again,
Luther!

Boy, we're really taking a
bite out of crime, aren't we?

That tight enough?
It's tight enough.

Do you want me
to tape his mouth shut?

Luther, why don't you let him
think of these things?

I don't need the tape,
but thank you.

You're being very helpful.

Thank you, John.

Coach! Luther!
Freeze!

Jeez, that's Dauber?

What is this,
Land of the Giants?

Did you bring
the combination, Daub?

(STIFFLY)
Yes. What's going on?

We're being robbed!

We are? All of us?

Why is he talking like that?

I think because
you told him to freeze.

Thaw.

Just give him the combination
to the safe, Daub,

so we can get
the hell out of here.

Slowly!

Less slowly.

Jeez, I'd hate to have to
deal with this kid everyday.

Come on!

Finally.

Now, very slowly...
Check that.

Somewhat slowly,

go behind the bar
and open the safe.

Put everything
in this bag

and don't try
anything heroic, okay,

because up until now we've
kept everything very civil.

Wouldn't you agree?
You've been very nice.

Oh, yeah,
he's been a peach.

Why don't you give him all
the money in your wallet, too.

You know,
that's not a bad idea.

Why don't you do that?

Thank you very much, Hayden!

Boys, boys, boys,

you shouldn't be
fighting over this.

You two are friends.

Friends support each other,
they don't point fingers.

Because you know something?

The money will come and go.

In this case, go.

But friendship is something
you don't want to lose.

That's everything.
Good.

Now, you two,
in the meat locker.

The meat locker?

We'll freeze to death!
Come on.

No, you won't freeze to death,
you've got your jackets.

Your feet'll get a little numb
but you'll be fine.

Relax,
I'll be right back.

Yeah, well, I hope so,

'cause I think a roach
just crawled up my pants.

Michael,
what in the world is...

Hey! Hey!

It's a holdup!
Judy, quick! What?

Yeah. A guy in the back
with a gun!

Come on, call the cops!
Call the cops! Come on, come on!

(DOOR OPENS)
Wait! No time! Hide!

Hide! Hide!
No time! No time!

Hide! Hide! No time!

Hope you don't mind
I took a couple of steaks.

Dog's birthday.

Grab the gun!
Grab the gun! That a girl!

Give him the whacko!
Give him the whacko!

Get on top of him!

Jeez, a girl giant!

Drop the money!

All right, all right,
everybody relax.

We don't want any trouble.
Here!

Wait, stop!
Where's Michael?

He's in the meat locker.

Come here, untie me!

(SCOFFS)

All right,
I'll just wait here by the bar then.

Are you all right?

Yeah, well,
I'm a little cold.

Come on, maybe we can catch him!
Hey, hey, hey! What about me?

Oh, yeah. Judy,
you stay here and untie Coach.

Come on, Luth.

I can't leave like this.

What John said tonight
is true, Hayden.

We are friends.

Maybe we shouldn't
be business partners,

but I know you were
just looking out for me.

I just want you to know,
I don't hold you responsible

for anything
that happened tonight.

Now I can leave.

Hey, Luther, wait!
I'm still hooked up here!

Hey, come on, come on, what are you waiting for?
Come on, untie me. Come on.

(SIGHS)

Hayden, let's talk carpet.