Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 6 - I'm in the Mood for Luther - full transcript

First of all,
you guys should realize

that everybody on campus
wants to live in my house.

Yeah, we kind of figured that
from the line outside.

(PEOPLE YELLING)

Hey, back of the line!
No cutting in!

I'm not cutting in!
What do you think, I have no manners?

What the heck is going on
in here?

There's a room
for rent in my house

and I'm interviewing
prospective tenants.

You two want
to live in Dauber's house?

Dad, you know we need
more space,



and Dauber's house
is a lot bigger than

that attic room of Stuart's
that we've been living in.

It is so cramped in there
we can hardly meditate.

It's not just the size.

If we were
to live any place else,

we'd just have
to ask you for more money.

Oh. Well, good luck.

Another thing you guys
should know is that

everybody who qualifies
to live in my house

has to be able
to contribute something.

Some of the guys can cook.
Fred's real mechanical.

I manage the house
because of my seniority

and my extensive education.

Gee, Daub,
we're theater majors.



We don't have any skills.

Hey, we'd be willing to clean.

Clean? Huh.

I've been living there
for seven years

and I don't think we've
ever had anybody do that.

(PEOPLE YELLING)

Hey, lady! What do you think you're doing?
No cutting in.

I'm not cutting in,
I'm seeing the Coach.

Yeah, who appointed you
hall monitor?

What's that all about?

Well, there's a room for rent
at Dauber's place.

Gee, I didn't realize
Dauber was that popular.

You know, he's got three stories
full of football players,

there's a party every night.

Really? How much is he asking?

That's cute, Christine,
let's roll.

You ready to go to lunch?
Yeah.

Listen, Hayden,
driving down here this morning,

I had sort of a
crazy little notion

that I wanted to run by you.

Not Greek food?

No, this has nothing
to do with you

or your four taste buds.

I would like
to talk about my neighbor.

Marion. She lives right across
the hall from me. Mmm-hmm.

Well, her husband died
about a year ago.

She's just such a dear,
dear person

and so I was thinking maybe we
could introduce her to Luther.

Oh, gee, Christine, come on,
I'd rather eat Greek again.

Why?

Because it's matchmaking
and it never works.

I thought Luther was supposed
to be your best friend.

He is my best friend. That's why I
don't want to mess him up, you know?

I mean...

You don't realize what he's like
when he gets involved with a woman.

You did not have to live through Doris
Steckler, Naomi Farnsworth, Rowena Sapp.

Who are they?

The three great loves
of Luther's life.

All three relationships
fell apart

and I had to be there
to pick up the pieces.

I got to tell you,
ll don't wanna go through it again, okay?

But, if you think life has
been too easy on Hayden lately,

then go ahead, you just invite
Luther and your friend to dinner.

So you're saying
we shouldn't do anything nice

for Marion and Luther because it
might be inconvenient for you?

Hallelujah! Let's eat.

(PEOPLE YELLING)

Hey, I'm not trying
to cut in! Jeez.

You think I'm crazy enough to
live at Dauber's house? Again?

Oh, hi, Christine.
I didn't know you were here.

Yeah, is this private?
I'm sorry.

I don't know.
Hayden, is this private?

Yeah, I mean, I'd like to go
to lunch, come on.

I think we should ask him.

You'll ask me to go to lunch?

It's not Greek food, is it?

Luther, we wanted to ask you

if you were doing anything
after the game Saturday night.

I don't know, I haven't gotten
this week's TV Guide yet.

The reason we were asking is because
I have this friend in Minneapolis,

her name is Marion...

Yes.
Yes, what?

Yes, I want
to go out with her.

Don't you even want
to know anything about her?

She's a friend of Christine's.
That's good enough for me.

Oh, jeez...
Terrific. I...

I thought the four of us
could have dinner together.

Yeah, what time
do you want me there?

Well, I don't know. 7:00?

7:00's good by me.

Well, good.

Then we'll have hors
d'oeuvres at my place at 7:00

and make a dinner
reservation for 8:00. Yeah.

Is that okay
with you, Hayden?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Whole thing was practically my idea.

Really? Thanks, Hayden.

So, where are the three
of us going to lunch?

I can't believe this is the way we're
going to spend our Saturday night.

We are not doing this
for us, remember?

We're doing this
for Luther and Marion.

Like that's supposed
to make me feel better?

I'm telling you, Christine,
this evening is going to turn into a disaster.

And when it does,
you are gonna owe me an apology.

This evening is not going
to be a disaster,

but if it is,
I'll be happy to apologize to you.

Now, why don't you
put on your tie?

Why don't I just tie it to the
ceiling and jump off a chair?

(DOORBELL RINGS)
That'd be lovely.

Oh!

Luther. Please come in.

Hi, Christine.

(MUTTERS)
Hey, Hayden.

Boy, talk about
a swanky apartment.

Oh, thank you.
Did you have any trouble finding it?

No, I left early
just to be on the safe side.

I actually got here
an hour ago.

Oh, you should have come up.

Well, I didn't want
to seem anxious.

Besides,
I can entertain myself.

You know you got over $42 in
change in that fountain downstairs?

By the way,
I brought you something.

Oh, Luther, thank you.

How sweet.
I'll go put these in water.

Hayden, how do I get Christine
to give me back those flowers?

What?

Well, they were supposed
to be for Marion.

I brought Christine
a cheese log.

A cheese log?
It's a cheese log, it's...

It's cheddar and walnuts.

You're supposed to serve it
at room temperature.

It's been in my pocket for over an hour.
It should be ready.

These are just beautiful.

Those aren't for you.
They're for Marion.

Luther brought you
a cheese log.

A what?

Cheese log. I'm sorry,
I should have spoken up earlier.

(STAMMERS) No, Luther.
It was my mistake.

Here. Marion just lives across the hall.
She can have the vase.

Oh, great. Here's your log.

I'll just grab a platter.

I'm telling you, Hayden,
I am really looking forward to this.

This is gonna be fun,
isn't it?

Yeah.

This should go perfect
with the salmon en croute.

Actually, a cheese log goes
with just about anything.

Oh. Oh.

So, what did you tell Marion
about me?

I told her that
you were very nice,

and that you were looking
forward to this evening.

Did you tell her I've
never been married before?

I think so.

Did she think
that was strange?

No.

Did you tell her
I lived with a bird?

...I think
I mentioned it.

Did she think that was strange?
No.

Luther, you are strange.
Shut up.

Well, I just want
this to go well.

Yeah, well, I want it to go fast.
Come on here, eat something.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That's Marion.

Wait, stay here,
let me swallow this first. Wait.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
(ANXIOUSLY) Mmm.

Just open the damn door!

Marion. Hi.
Oh, Christine.

Marion, I would like you
to meet Hayden Fox.

Hi, Marion.
Hello, Hayden.

I've heard so much about you.

All good, I hope.

And this is Luther Van Dam.

Luther, it's so nice
to meet you.

It's nice meeting you, Marion.
You're as lovely as Christine said you were.

Oh, thank you. And thank you.

Here. These are for you.

How thoughtful. Thank you.

So, would anybody
like a drink?

Oh, yeah.

Marion,
what would you like?

Oh, I don't know.
Luther, what are you gonna have?

Do you have a beer?
Sure.

Beer sounds like fun.
I'll have one, too.

So you like beer, huh?

Occasionally.

Do you like it in
the bottle or the can?

Hayden, would you like
to help me?

Oh, yeah.

What would you like?

A revolver.

Would you like to sit down?

Thank you.

Do you think..
Christine...

I'm sorry, go ahead.

Christine tells me you have
a very interesting job.

Yeah, well, I guess.
If you like football.

Oh, I do, my husband
got me interested.

He was a big football fan.

I'm sorry.
Not that he was a fan, that he...

no longer can enjoy the
game the way he used to.

Would you like
to have some cheese log?

No, thanks.

I'm sorry
if ]ll seem nervous.

I guess I'm a little rusty
at dating.

So am I.

Yeah, but you've got
a really good excuse.

(CHUCKLES)

I think you're doing
very well.

I'm lucky to be getting back into
dating with someone like you.

You seem very easy to talk to.

Yeah, well,
talking is something...

(GIBBERING) Football...

(STAMMERS) You know, you talk a lot with young...
It comes easy for me.

How are we doing?
Oh, great.

I think we're getting along
very well.

So where are we
gonna go to dinner?

Well, I let Marion choose

and her favorite restaurant is a
little place on Hennepin Avenue

called Zorba's.

I hope everybody
likes Greek.

Love it.
Oh, yeah!

(CHRISTINE SINGING)

Hey, Christine, do you have a glass
that doesn't have flowers on it?

You know,
I need an Alka-Seltzer.

Is your stomach still upset?

I told you
I hate Greek food.

You didn't even try any last night.
All you had were olives.

Yeah, well,
I must have had 60 of them.

I feel like I have
Telly Savalas in my stomach.

I have no sympathy
for you, Hayden.

And by the way,
where is that apology you owe me?

You said that last night
was going to be a disaster.

It was a big success.

What big success? All we did was sit
and stare at each other for three hours.

That's all you did. The rest of us
talked and had a very good time.

Well, my idea of a good time is not
sitting there listening to Marion

tell us about her trip to
Athens while some guy in adress

plays Never on Sunday
over, over and over again.

Out in the hall.
Right.

Boy, Hayden, even when you're obviously
wrong, you won't admit it.

Well, I don't think I'm wrong.
I know a great date when I see one.

And Luther did not have
a great date.

(SINGING)

Hi.

What?
Wow!

Luther.

What about Luther?

Marion had a sleepover
and Luther was invited.

What?
Yeah.

Yeah, I just saw Luther coming out of
Marion's apartment to get her paper.

He wasn't wearing anything
but slacks and a smile.

Wow, that didn't take long.

Well, I can't believe it.
I mean, they have one dinner

and then spend the night together?
Who does that?

We did that.

Okay, Christine, nitpick.

The point is, now Luther's going to
be goo-goo all over the merry widow

and I'm gonna have to
suffer for it.

Thank you
very much, Christine.

I don't have anything
to feel guilty about, Hayden.

I said they were going to
hit it off and they did.

I'm happy,
and you should be happy.

Well, I'm not happy.
I'm having the worst weekend of my life.

What the hell
have I got in my mouth?

Baklava.

Well, that's just great. That should go
well with the cheese log and all the olives.

No wonder Socrates
poisoned himself.

He probably couldn't
stand the food anymore!

Ah.

Here you go, Coach.
Thank you, Daub.

God, it's great to eat
real American food again.

Oh, and there's something
I wanted to run by you, Coach.

You know how Kelly and Stuart are trying to
get the room that's available at my house?

Yeah.

Last night was the vote by the selection
committee, and we got a little problem.

They turned them down?
Not exactly.

They're split. They all
seem to like Kelly a lot,

but they didn't really
take to Stuart.

Really, Daub? Nine football
players don't like a mime?

Yeah. Well, anyway, they
decided to leave it up to me.

So I just wanted to know
how you felt about it.

I'm on the fellows' side,
I like Kelly, I can't stand Stuart.

No, I meant about
what I should do.

Well, you know, I know that Stuart
and Kelly need a lot more space.

It sounds like to me
if they do move in,

they're gonna be giving Stuart
a pretty rough time.

I think so.

Well, then, let's do it.

Oh, there you are, we've been
looking everywhere for you.

Hi, Dad.
Hi, hon.

So tell us, please, We are dying to hear.
Are we in or out?

You're in.

BOTH: All right! Yay!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, thank you, Dauber!

Oh, boy, nine new friends!

This is great. Thanks, roomie.

All right, come on,
let's get our stuff together.

Oh!

Hope we're doing
the right thing.

Oh, I think we did, Daub.

I'll see you later.
Yeah.

(PHONE RINGING)

Coach here.
It's me.

I'm just calling to tell you I don't
think you have anything to worry about.

What do you mean?

I don't know if you've
talked to Luther yet.

But Marion just told me that even though
the two of them had a wonderful weekend,

that's all there was to it.

Are you sure?
Positive.

They both just needed
a little companionship.

Trust me, there's no way a relationship
is going to come out of this.

Well, that is a relief.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Well, I mean, you're the one
who should be pleased.

You were right.
It was no big deal.

I owe you an apology.

Then let's hear it.

That was it.

I'll see you this weekend.

Boy, Hayden, I want to
thank you and Christine again

for fixing me up with Marion
this weekend.

I don't know when I've felt
more comfortable with somebody.

Oh, man, you sure looked
comfortable Sunday morning.

Tell me, what do you
think of this?

You're not gonna believe this,
Luther, but I hope that's for me.

Nope. Marion.

If you don't need me this morning,
I'm gonna run up to Minneapolis

and give it to her.

No, wait a minute!
Are you crazy?

I knew you'd say that.

Of course I'd say that.
You just met her.

But you weren't with us
all weekend, Hayden.

I never thought I'd meet anybody
in my life I felt so right with.

Oh, yeah? What about Doris,
Naomi, Rowena?

Oh, come on, Hayden.

Back then I was still
trying to find myself.

When I was with Rowena
I was what? 43?

I'm at the age now
where I can't dilly-dally.

My mind's made up.
I'm marrying Marion.

No wait, wait, wait, Luther.
I mean...

What if she hasn't made up her mind?
I mean, what if she says no?

I know you,
you're gonna be devastated.

Hayden, I won't be devastated.

I may mope around here for three or four
years, but I'll bounce back. Bye.

Hayden, what are you doing?

I have to get to the studio.

You're not leaving, Christine.
We have a problem.

What are you talking about?
Luther is on his way here

to propose to Marion.

Oh, my God, no! Oh, yeah, he's gone crazy.
He's gone nuts.

I mean, he's bought a ring
and everything.

How could this happen?

'Cause you meddled.

See, now you're gonna
have to fix it.

How can I fix it?

You get Marion on the blower
there and get over here pronto.

Luther is right behind me.

Come on, I passed him
on the highway.

It's a good thing he hasn't
got his transmission fixed

or I never would've
beaten him.

Oh.

Marion? Christine.

Could you come over
for a second? Great.

Oh, she's going to be
so upset.

How do you think Luther's gonna feel?
He's gonna have his head in the oven.

Hayden...
Yeah, come on, quick, quick, quick.

What is going on?

Tell her.

There's a problem with Luther.

It seems he had an even better
time this weekend than you did.

Yeah, he's on his way here
to propose to you.

Oh, no.

He had a much better time
than I did.

Now listen, Luther is
my best friend, okay?

A very sensitive guy.
I just don't want to see him hurt.

Neither do ll.
What do you want me to do?

You wouldn't consider
marrying him, would you?

Hayden!
What? She could do worse!

Oh, Hayden! This is insanity.

Well, it's all we've got!

If I misled Luther,
I'm genuinely, sorry.

I'm glad that
you told me this

so I have a few minutes to get
my thoughts together before...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, God.
Is that him?

Yeah, that's him.
Okay, what are we gonna do?

Well, Marion is going
to talk to him.

And you and I are going to go into
the kitchen and wait in the hall.

Right. Hey, one minute.

Listen, just let him
down easy, huh?

If you gotta let him down
easy, just make it quick.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

There you are.
What are you doing in there?

I was watering
Christine's plants.

Do you wanna to come in?
Yeah.

This is a nice surprise.

...It's so ironic
that you would drop by,

because I was going
to call you today.

You were?
Yes.

I just wanted
to tell you again

what a wonderful,
wonderful time I had this weekend.

I'm glad to hear
you say that, because...

In fact, it was so wonderful,
it was scary.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, wonderful as it was,

I was thinking this morning how it's
just been a year since Bill died,

and it scared me a little how
fast we seemed to be going.

And not that I didn't
help that along, I did.

But I just wanted
to make sure

that we were both clear about
how each of us was feeling.

Well, I know
I'm clear on how I'm feeling.

I think I'm clear
on how I'm feeling, too.

I have a feeling we're not
feeling the same thing.

How do you think
it's going?

Well, I think Luther's having his
guts handed to him on a platter.

Well, I have a lot of faith
in Marion.

I'm sure she'll find
a gentle way to handle this.

You know, Christine,
I just hope you're satisfied,

because everything I said
would happen has happened.

You now owe me the biggest apology
in the history of apologies.

I know I do.

I'm sorry.

Oh, dig deeper, cookie.

I hope you understand
it's not you.

Sure, I understand.

I can't say I'm not crushed
beyond belief,

but at least you kept me from
making a fool out of myself.

I guess this whole dating thing
is just not a good idea for me.

Oh, Luther, I don't think you realize
what a valuable commodity you are.

A man your age, single, attractive,
healthy, earning a good living.

Do you know
how many women my age

are dying to meet
a man like you?

How many?

Six in my bridge club alone.

Seriously?

Probably another dozen
at my church.

That's 18.

Probably another four
or five in this building.

18 and 4...

And I don't know how many more
at my ballroom dancing class.

Could you find out?

I am more sorry than any human
being has ever been or ever will be

from now until
the end of time.

I am more sorry than
any human being has...

Hayden, what are
you doing here?

I'm painting the hall.
What do you think?

How did it go in there?

Well, it didn't go the way I
wanted, but it worked out okay.

I was just explaining to Luther
what a hot property he is.

Yeah. Marion's going
to have a party next weekend

and introduce me
to a whole room full of women.

Well, isn't that nice?

I thought we were going
fishing next weekend.

I am, but not with you.