Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 4 - If a Coach Falls in the Woods - full transcript
Kelly and Stuart announce their plans to wed, which makes Hayden flip out.
The problem is my dad.
He's been running around
like a madman all week
trying to stop
this marriage.
He caused a scene at City Hall
when we were getting our license,
he burst into the doctor's office
when we were getting our blood test...
He had the florist
in tears.
What's he objecting to?
He thinks we're too young,
that we're rushing things.
And...
It's okay.
You can tell him.
He really doesn't
care for Stuart.
As if I've done something.
(GASPS)
Kelly, why didn't you
tell me all this earlier?
Well, we were afraid
you'd take his side.
We know we're young and we've
only been engaged a week,
but we have known each other
almost a whole year.
It seems to us
that people in this world
are terrified of commitment.
But Kelly and I feel
we're from another world.
We want to commit
to each other.
Well, you do seem to be
very much in love.
We are.
(SOBBING)
But what about my dad?
There's nothing unusual
in your father's reaction.
You're his little baby
and he hates to lose you.
But believe me,
just as sure as the long, cold winter
is followed by the warm
breath of spring,
your father will
come around.
(SHOUTS) There you are!
For the last time,
Stuart and I are getting married tomorrow.
And there's nothing
you can do to stop it.
Are you going to let them
get away with this?
Come on, Stuart.
Let's get out of here.
No, wait a minute.
No, don't leave. Come on.
Everybody just
calm down.
I realize this last week
everybody's been a little crazy,
and I admit I've been
crazier than anybody...
That's for sure.
But, come on, we are in the
House of God now, after all,
and if you two would
just give me a moment, here
to let me calmly
and rationally explain
what the hell I've been
talking about!
Now, here's
the thing, Kelly.
If you and Stuart really and truly
love each other, I can accept that.
You can?
Yeah. I can't believe it,
but I accept it.
And, I mean, if you want
to get married
and you want to spend the
rest of your lives together,
I'm livable with that.
But I gotta
tell you something.
I just gotta make sure that you're
not getting married just to spite me.
Because I am a changed man.
I mean, if there's one thing
this week has taught me,
it's that I can't control your
lives and I am not gonna try.
So, with that in mind,
is getting married tomorrow
as necessary or even as much
fun as it seemed last week
when you were
out to get me, huh?
I mean, if you guys
are that much in love,
what's the harm in waiting, say, a year?
Or six months?
I'd take a month.
Dad, I understand
what you're afraid of.
I may not have acted like it when
you were screaming at me all week,
but I did hear what
you were saying.
So did the people
across the lake.
I know that because you and mom got
married young and that didn't work,
that you're worried the same
thing's gonna happen to us.
Right.
But I'm not Mom.
And I'm not you.
I don't think I've ever
argued that point, Stu.
Look, Dad, we appreciate
your concerns,
but if we were to wait
even a month,
that means that
we would be doing it for you.
And you just said you don't want
to control our lives anymore.
Dad, Stuart and I
want to be together now,
not a month from now.
So what we'd really like
from you is your blessing.
Because we really
love you, Dad. Both of us.
All right,
you've got my blessing.
You mean it?
Yeah. I give up.
Tomorrow at my cabin
at 4:00 you two get married
and I'll be there
to kiss the bride.
You don't know how much this means to me.
Thanks, Dad.
(SOBBING)
We'll see you tomorrow.
I think you did
the wise thing.
I'll give you $1,000
not to marry them.
Come on,
lam desperate, Johnny!
Coach Fox, please.
You've said your piece.
Now, my advice to you would be to let go.
Support your daughter.
Embrace the moment.
Celebrate with her.
(SHUDDERS)
I'll give you two season
tickets on the fifty yard line
not to show up tomorrow,
Johnny.
Good-bye, Coach.
That's the last time I get
my car washed at this church!
I am so glad I'm finally getting a
chance to use these champagne glasses.
You keep going on about this
wedding like it's gonna happen.
Christine, you've got
to help me.
You've got to talk Kelly
out of getting married.
What?
Yeah, you can do it, Christine.
You're so persuasive.
You talk me out of stuff
I want to do all the time.
I'm not going to
talk Kelly out of this.
Even if I could,
it's none of my business.
Oh, sure. Hide behind that again.
"I'm not her mother."
Well, I'm not.
Christine, I can't believe
you're not gonna help me.
Am I the only one who thinks
that this is a mistake?
(DOOR CLOSING)
Oh, great. Beth is here.
Good. Maybe you can
work this out with her.
Well, if Beth and I
could work things out
we'd still be married.
God forbid.
I mean,
I tried talking to her.
You know, she blames me
for this whole wedding mess.
And that's another reason I don't
want Kelly getting married so young.
You know, Beth and I did that
and all you do is you just end up
full of bitterness
and resentment.
Boy, Beth!
You look wonderful!
Welcome to Minnesota!
Hello, Hayden.
Hello, Christine.
Hello, Beth.
Gee, why do I always think
this is going to be awkward?
Plane must have been
late, huh?
Sorry you had to wait, Daub.
No problem. Things actually
worked out pretty good.
That's the thing I love
about airports.
I was able to have a nice
meal, get my hair trimmed,
and actually got quite a lot
of my Christmas shopping done.
Well, I'll see
everybody tomorrow.
Thanks again, Dauber.
Anytime.
By the way, if you need a ride
out to the airport, let me know.
My dad's birthday
is coming up.
Look, Beth, before everyone gets
here we need to talk about this.
I know you blame me for this
whole wedding thing, but...
You two probably
want some privacy.
I'll just go
check on the lake.
No, don't. Christine, stay.
He could use a friend.
Now, wait a minute, Beth.
Now, no one should be
pointing fingers here.
We should be working
together on this.
Come on, we're Kelly's parents.
We're a team. We can gang up on her.
Hayden,
if you want the truth,
I don't approve of this
wedding any more than you do.
And believe me,
I make a pretty compelling argument
for how an ill-conceived
marriage can damage your life.
But Kelly has asked me
to trust her on this.
So after many sleepless nights,
I have decided that the only thing to do
is to wish them
all the happiness in the world
and give them all the
help and support I can.
Boy, that's a defeatist
attitude.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Oh, great. Geez,
here they come.
Hayden, so help me,
if you make even one little move
to spoil this for Kelly
or make a scene
in front of Stuart's parents,
you will rue the day
you ever met me.
Well, I'm ruing it now, Beth.
I'm ruing a lot of stuff. I'll tell you.
Mom!
Sweetheart!
Dad.
Mom, I'd like you to meet my
fiancé, Stuart Rosebrock.
This is my mother,
Beth Fox.
It's a pleasure to meet you,
O queen
who begat my princess.
I told you he was
my knight in shining armor.
If you want to reconsider
teaming up, Beth, let me know.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Stuart.
You may rise.
I don't know
where he gets it.
Hi, Wilson Rosebrock,
Stuart's dad.
This is my wife, Peg.
It's a pleasure.
Beth Fox, Kelly's mom.
Hayden Fox, Kelly's dad.
Christine Armstrong,
Channel 6.
Well, let us be
the first to say
how happy we are
that we're all here together.
But before
we go any further,
I'd like to present
the father of the bride
with a token of our new
friendship and symbol of our joy
over the joining of
these two families.
Gee, that's
pretty thoughtful.
Oh, wow.
It's a barber pole.
Dad collects
barber supplies.
He doesn't just
collect them, Stuart.
Wilson has perhaps the most
extensive collection
of antique barber supplies in
the contiguous United States.
This particular pole once
hung outside the barber shop
of the famed Waldorf-Astoria
Hotel in New York City.
Legend has it that Cole Porter had
his hair cut in there every week.
I always heard that Cole
Porter was well-groomed.
I'd say it's time
for champagne.
Oh, I'll help you.
So will .
Well, I guess we're
at one of those milestones
every parent
dreams about, huh?
I thought nothing could top getting
Herbert Hoover's shaving mug,
but this is one fine day.
You think so?
Yeah. I just wish Stuart's younger
brother and his wife could be here.
Stuart's got a younger
brother who's married?
Going on two years now.
Got his marriage license and his
driver's license on the same day.
And that's okay with you?
Well, kid's got to drive.
No, no, I mean about
getting married so young.
Well, the Rosebrocks
traditionally marry young.
I'll tell you, Hayden.
There's nothing quite
like young people in love.
Oh, boy,
I don't know, Wilson.
To be honest,
I've got some doubts about this thing.
Well, Peg and I did raise
a collective eyebrow
over their
one-week engagement.
But we trust Stuart,
and Kelly seems like a wonderful girl.
And, besides, at this point
it's out of our hands.
See, Wilson, I don't think
it's ever out of our hands.
I mean, as parents,
isn't it up to us
to do something to help them
avoid mistakes, you know?
I mean, they look to us for our
wisdom, and--and our sense of reason.
What've you got
in mind?
I was thinking of
burning my cabin down.
Oh...
No, I'm serious.
No cabin, no wedding.
Oh, yeah! I mean, this place is old.
It'll go up like a tinderbox.
One spark and poof!
(LAUGHING)
Poof.
Poof...
Boy, I've seen some nervous dads in my
day, but you take the blue ribbon.
Listen, listen.
You know what you need?
A hot towel, a close shave
and a splash of Aqua Velva.
Here's the champagne.
I'd like to make
the first toast.
To the lovely bride and groom.
May you have all the love for each
other that we have for you today.
And... And to Hayden.
I know you're a little nervous
about tomorrow's big event.
But remember, there is nothing more
magnificent than the union of two hearts.
Oh, hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Make a toast.
I'm not very good at this kind of
thing, you know, and...
Giving toasts
and giving my daughter away.
As you all know, I haven't been very
easygoing about this wedding thing,
but, uh, well...
To Kelly and--and Stuart.
May they always...
You know. Just, uh...
Oh, man, I can't do this.
Hayden...
Dad!
I'm sorry. I mean,
I can't stand there and make a toast.
This is a lie.
I think these kids are
making a huge mistake,
and you're all letting
them make it.
All week long
you all been saying,
"Hayden, mind your own business,
Hayden, stay out of it."
Well, I am going
to stay out of it.
I'm going to stay
completely out of it.
I'm out of here.
He's very upset.
This is unbelievable.
(SIGHS) And still
no sign of Hayden?
No, and we're supposed
to start in 30 minutes.
How's Kelly?
Oh, she's a wreck.
This is just like Hayden.
I was married to him
for four years.
I should have killed him
while I had the chance.
Any word on
the father of the bride?
Not one we could say
in front of you, Reverend.
It's just so senseless.
When I think back to all
those nights I could have
just put a pillow
over his face.
Poor Kelly.
I'd better get back to her.
If she's really upset,
have her do the Hindu breathing
exercises I taught her.
(EXHALES)
Right.
Excuse me, Mrs. Fox,
I'm from the caterer.
I just wanted to ask if you think
we'll have enough champagne.
I--1 think so.
We ordered a bottle per person.
One, two, three, four...
Is he here yet?
No.
I hate him.
Now... Now, honey,
he's still your father.
Should have stuffed a potato
in the tailpipe of his car.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
I was just reminiscing.
I can't believe
he's doing this to me.
I know what he's thinking.
That if he doesn't show up that
I won't go through with it.
I'll tell you something.
I have got news for him.
At 4:00 I become
Mrs. Kelly Fox-Rosebrock,
whether he's here or not.
(SOBBING)
There, there, Son.
(TEARFULLY)
I can't help it.
This is supposed to be
the happiest day of my life.
I've been looking
forward to this all week.
Come on, Son,
silver lining, silver lining.
Did you find him?
No, and I've been everywhere.
He's just gone.
Oh, no luck, huh?
Well, he can't have gone far.
He didn't take his car.
Unfortunately, we have an
excellent bus system in this town.
I'm really starting
to get worried.
I know that Hayden
can be stubborn and childish,
but like a child,
he usually snaps out of it.
Maybe he's maturing.
I can't believe he'd miss
his only daughter's wedding.
Hey! Hi, Christine.
Luther, have you seen
Hayden anywhere?
No. I thought
that was bad luck.
Luther, we can't find him.
He got mad and walked
out of here yesterday.
He hasn't come back.
You're kidding.
No, I've looked
everywhere for him.
Gee, I knew he was upset about all this,
but I didn't think he was that upset.
Do you have any idea
where he could be?
Sure.
You do?
Yeah, he's probably gone
to his secret place.
His secret place?
Yeah. He's got this secret
place he always goes to
when he's really upset
and he wants to be alone.
I can't believe
he's going to miss this.
Somebody's got to talk to him.
Where is this place?
It's a secret.
Hayden's the only person in the
whole world who knows where it is.
I'll see
if he's there.
Luther, wait.
Maybe I should go with you.
I don't think so.
If you go he'll know you're
there to talk him out of it.
If ll go, he'll just think I'm there
to agree with him, like I always do.
Besides, I don't think you can
climb a rope ladder in those shoes.
(LUTHER GRUNTING)
(GASPING)
Hayden?
Geez, Luther!
Thank God you're here.
Hayden, can I talk to you for a minute?
No.
Hayden, I just hiked
a mile through the woods
and climbed up 60 foot of rope
ladder to a look-out tower.
I--1 really want to talk.
Oh, all right, well,
pull the ladder up,
'cause I don't want
anybody else coming up here.
All right.
Hayden?
What?
Could you pull it up?
Luther, how come
you're not at the wedding?
That's what everybody's
asking about you.
Well, you understand why I'm not
there, don't you?
No.
Luther, Kelly and Stuart are taking
a stupid chance for no reason.
You understand that,
don't you?
No.
Hayden, what's so terrible
about taking a chance?
Look at me. I'm 58 years
old and I live with a bird.
Never took a chance
in my life.
I stayed an assistant coach
'cause I didn't want to get
fired as a head coach.
Never got married because I
didn't want to get divorced.
Never ate a snail.
Yeah, they're taking a chance.
So what?
You've taken a few in your
life, if I remember right.
But how can I go there and support
something I don't believe in?
All'l know is you spent
16 years apart from Kelly
wishing you could be together.
Now you're together
and you've never
been further apart.
Hey, I'm on your side
about this wedding.
Obviously, nothing you're
gonna do is gonna stop it.
They're gonna get married whether you
stay up here in this tower or not.
But if you don't go,
well, I'm just afraid
you'll lose Kelly forever.
Seems to me like you're taking
a bigger chance than she is.
Huh.
Well, you do
what you have to.
Al know is Kelly's the closest
thing I have to a daughter.
I wouldn't miss this
wedding for the world.
I brought this just in case
you change your mind.
Wasn't easy, either.
Hey, Luth?
Yeah?
I'm coming with you.
I knew it!
I knew you wouldn't miss this!
I knew you weren't
that kind of guy!
Hot dog!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?
Uh-oh?
Uh-oh?
It wasn't attached.
No!
It was attached
when I came up it!
I thought it would be
attached when it went down it!
Well, it wasn't!
Well, I'm no rope expert!
How do you get down when you do this?
I don't do this!
I am a rope expert.
We're gonna die!
Jeez, we're not gonna die.
We're gonna find
another way down.
There is no other
way down.
We're gonna die!
We're gonna freeze
to death up here.
Someone's gonna come along next
spring and smell something.
Just wait a minute.
I put a rope here somewhere.
Oh, my God! My bird!
Who's gonna feed my bird?
Oh, shut up.
Three senseless deaths.
Hey, Luther!
Look, come on, I found a rope!
We're going to live!
You betcha.
We're gonna die!
Oh, boy, am I glad
we tested that.
We're gonna die.
No, we're not gonna die.
Wait a minute. Hold it, Luther.
I've got an idea.
We're 60 feet up,
all right?
Now you're §'9".
I'm 6'4".
I hang on to the ledge,
you hang on to my ankles,
and you'll only
have to drop 48 feet.
That's not gonna work.
We're gonna die.
No, just...
We're gonna die.
I'm not being negative, we're gonna die.
Wait a minute. Luth, I've got an idea.
Take off your clothes.
Huh?
Yeah, we'll tie our clothes together
and we'll make our own rope.
When we get to the bottom,
we'll just
yank 'em on down.
Are you gonna take
your clothes off, too?
Yeah! Now, come on!
We haven't got much time.
Well, don't get mad at me.
If I hadn't have shown up,
you wouldn't have enough clothes to get down.
I'm sorry, Kelly,
but we're going to have to start.
I have another wedding
this evening.
We've waited over an hour.
I don't think he's coming.
I know.
I--1 think we should
just go ahead.
This is my fault. I should have poisoned him.
The man eats anything.
Kelly, what do you
want to do?
I want to marry Stuart.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we're ready to begin.
But not this way.
You're calling this off?
I can't get married
without Dad here.
I'm sorry.
I thought I could, but I can't.
Kelly, don't cry.
Stuart, what do
we always say?
It's all right to cry.
You go right ahead, Kelly.
You're going to be 3 Rosebrock soon.
You've got to learn to cry.
Hey, wait a minute.
They're here!
What?
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
Oh, nothing.
My suit got caught on a forest.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
You came.
Hey, would I miss
my daughter's wedding?
He's been running around
like a madman all week
trying to stop
this marriage.
He caused a scene at City Hall
when we were getting our license,
he burst into the doctor's office
when we were getting our blood test...
He had the florist
in tears.
What's he objecting to?
He thinks we're too young,
that we're rushing things.
And...
It's okay.
You can tell him.
He really doesn't
care for Stuart.
As if I've done something.
(GASPS)
Kelly, why didn't you
tell me all this earlier?
Well, we were afraid
you'd take his side.
We know we're young and we've
only been engaged a week,
but we have known each other
almost a whole year.
It seems to us
that people in this world
are terrified of commitment.
But Kelly and I feel
we're from another world.
We want to commit
to each other.
Well, you do seem to be
very much in love.
We are.
(SOBBING)
But what about my dad?
There's nothing unusual
in your father's reaction.
You're his little baby
and he hates to lose you.
But believe me,
just as sure as the long, cold winter
is followed by the warm
breath of spring,
your father will
come around.
(SHOUTS) There you are!
For the last time,
Stuart and I are getting married tomorrow.
And there's nothing
you can do to stop it.
Are you going to let them
get away with this?
Come on, Stuart.
Let's get out of here.
No, wait a minute.
No, don't leave. Come on.
Everybody just
calm down.
I realize this last week
everybody's been a little crazy,
and I admit I've been
crazier than anybody...
That's for sure.
But, come on, we are in the
House of God now, after all,
and if you two would
just give me a moment, here
to let me calmly
and rationally explain
what the hell I've been
talking about!
Now, here's
the thing, Kelly.
If you and Stuart really and truly
love each other, I can accept that.
You can?
Yeah. I can't believe it,
but I accept it.
And, I mean, if you want
to get married
and you want to spend the
rest of your lives together,
I'm livable with that.
But I gotta
tell you something.
I just gotta make sure that you're
not getting married just to spite me.
Because I am a changed man.
I mean, if there's one thing
this week has taught me,
it's that I can't control your
lives and I am not gonna try.
So, with that in mind,
is getting married tomorrow
as necessary or even as much
fun as it seemed last week
when you were
out to get me, huh?
I mean, if you guys
are that much in love,
what's the harm in waiting, say, a year?
Or six months?
I'd take a month.
Dad, I understand
what you're afraid of.
I may not have acted like it when
you were screaming at me all week,
but I did hear what
you were saying.
So did the people
across the lake.
I know that because you and mom got
married young and that didn't work,
that you're worried the same
thing's gonna happen to us.
Right.
But I'm not Mom.
And I'm not you.
I don't think I've ever
argued that point, Stu.
Look, Dad, we appreciate
your concerns,
but if we were to wait
even a month,
that means that
we would be doing it for you.
And you just said you don't want
to control our lives anymore.
Dad, Stuart and I
want to be together now,
not a month from now.
So what we'd really like
from you is your blessing.
Because we really
love you, Dad. Both of us.
All right,
you've got my blessing.
You mean it?
Yeah. I give up.
Tomorrow at my cabin
at 4:00 you two get married
and I'll be there
to kiss the bride.
You don't know how much this means to me.
Thanks, Dad.
(SOBBING)
We'll see you tomorrow.
I think you did
the wise thing.
I'll give you $1,000
not to marry them.
Come on,
lam desperate, Johnny!
Coach Fox, please.
You've said your piece.
Now, my advice to you would be to let go.
Support your daughter.
Embrace the moment.
Celebrate with her.
(SHUDDERS)
I'll give you two season
tickets on the fifty yard line
not to show up tomorrow,
Johnny.
Good-bye, Coach.
That's the last time I get
my car washed at this church!
I am so glad I'm finally getting a
chance to use these champagne glasses.
You keep going on about this
wedding like it's gonna happen.
Christine, you've got
to help me.
You've got to talk Kelly
out of getting married.
What?
Yeah, you can do it, Christine.
You're so persuasive.
You talk me out of stuff
I want to do all the time.
I'm not going to
talk Kelly out of this.
Even if I could,
it's none of my business.
Oh, sure. Hide behind that again.
"I'm not her mother."
Well, I'm not.
Christine, I can't believe
you're not gonna help me.
Am I the only one who thinks
that this is a mistake?
(DOOR CLOSING)
Oh, great. Beth is here.
Good. Maybe you can
work this out with her.
Well, if Beth and I
could work things out
we'd still be married.
God forbid.
I mean,
I tried talking to her.
You know, she blames me
for this whole wedding mess.
And that's another reason I don't
want Kelly getting married so young.
You know, Beth and I did that
and all you do is you just end up
full of bitterness
and resentment.
Boy, Beth!
You look wonderful!
Welcome to Minnesota!
Hello, Hayden.
Hello, Christine.
Hello, Beth.
Gee, why do I always think
this is going to be awkward?
Plane must have been
late, huh?
Sorry you had to wait, Daub.
No problem. Things actually
worked out pretty good.
That's the thing I love
about airports.
I was able to have a nice
meal, get my hair trimmed,
and actually got quite a lot
of my Christmas shopping done.
Well, I'll see
everybody tomorrow.
Thanks again, Dauber.
Anytime.
By the way, if you need a ride
out to the airport, let me know.
My dad's birthday
is coming up.
Look, Beth, before everyone gets
here we need to talk about this.
I know you blame me for this
whole wedding thing, but...
You two probably
want some privacy.
I'll just go
check on the lake.
No, don't. Christine, stay.
He could use a friend.
Now, wait a minute, Beth.
Now, no one should be
pointing fingers here.
We should be working
together on this.
Come on, we're Kelly's parents.
We're a team. We can gang up on her.
Hayden,
if you want the truth,
I don't approve of this
wedding any more than you do.
And believe me,
I make a pretty compelling argument
for how an ill-conceived
marriage can damage your life.
But Kelly has asked me
to trust her on this.
So after many sleepless nights,
I have decided that the only thing to do
is to wish them
all the happiness in the world
and give them all the
help and support I can.
Boy, that's a defeatist
attitude.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Oh, great. Geez,
here they come.
Hayden, so help me,
if you make even one little move
to spoil this for Kelly
or make a scene
in front of Stuart's parents,
you will rue the day
you ever met me.
Well, I'm ruing it now, Beth.
I'm ruing a lot of stuff. I'll tell you.
Mom!
Sweetheart!
Dad.
Mom, I'd like you to meet my
fiancé, Stuart Rosebrock.
This is my mother,
Beth Fox.
It's a pleasure to meet you,
O queen
who begat my princess.
I told you he was
my knight in shining armor.
If you want to reconsider
teaming up, Beth, let me know.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, Stuart.
You may rise.
I don't know
where he gets it.
Hi, Wilson Rosebrock,
Stuart's dad.
This is my wife, Peg.
It's a pleasure.
Beth Fox, Kelly's mom.
Hayden Fox, Kelly's dad.
Christine Armstrong,
Channel 6.
Well, let us be
the first to say
how happy we are
that we're all here together.
But before
we go any further,
I'd like to present
the father of the bride
with a token of our new
friendship and symbol of our joy
over the joining of
these two families.
Gee, that's
pretty thoughtful.
Oh, wow.
It's a barber pole.
Dad collects
barber supplies.
He doesn't just
collect them, Stuart.
Wilson has perhaps the most
extensive collection
of antique barber supplies in
the contiguous United States.
This particular pole once
hung outside the barber shop
of the famed Waldorf-Astoria
Hotel in New York City.
Legend has it that Cole Porter had
his hair cut in there every week.
I always heard that Cole
Porter was well-groomed.
I'd say it's time
for champagne.
Oh, I'll help you.
So will .
Well, I guess we're
at one of those milestones
every parent
dreams about, huh?
I thought nothing could top getting
Herbert Hoover's shaving mug,
but this is one fine day.
You think so?
Yeah. I just wish Stuart's younger
brother and his wife could be here.
Stuart's got a younger
brother who's married?
Going on two years now.
Got his marriage license and his
driver's license on the same day.
And that's okay with you?
Well, kid's got to drive.
No, no, I mean about
getting married so young.
Well, the Rosebrocks
traditionally marry young.
I'll tell you, Hayden.
There's nothing quite
like young people in love.
Oh, boy,
I don't know, Wilson.
To be honest,
I've got some doubts about this thing.
Well, Peg and I did raise
a collective eyebrow
over their
one-week engagement.
But we trust Stuart,
and Kelly seems like a wonderful girl.
And, besides, at this point
it's out of our hands.
See, Wilson, I don't think
it's ever out of our hands.
I mean, as parents,
isn't it up to us
to do something to help them
avoid mistakes, you know?
I mean, they look to us for our
wisdom, and--and our sense of reason.
What've you got
in mind?
I was thinking of
burning my cabin down.
Oh...
No, I'm serious.
No cabin, no wedding.
Oh, yeah! I mean, this place is old.
It'll go up like a tinderbox.
One spark and poof!
(LAUGHING)
Poof.
Poof...
Boy, I've seen some nervous dads in my
day, but you take the blue ribbon.
Listen, listen.
You know what you need?
A hot towel, a close shave
and a splash of Aqua Velva.
Here's the champagne.
I'd like to make
the first toast.
To the lovely bride and groom.
May you have all the love for each
other that we have for you today.
And... And to Hayden.
I know you're a little nervous
about tomorrow's big event.
But remember, there is nothing more
magnificent than the union of two hearts.
Oh, hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Make a toast.
I'm not very good at this kind of
thing, you know, and...
Giving toasts
and giving my daughter away.
As you all know, I haven't been very
easygoing about this wedding thing,
but, uh, well...
To Kelly and--and Stuart.
May they always...
You know. Just, uh...
Oh, man, I can't do this.
Hayden...
Dad!
I'm sorry. I mean,
I can't stand there and make a toast.
This is a lie.
I think these kids are
making a huge mistake,
and you're all letting
them make it.
All week long
you all been saying,
"Hayden, mind your own business,
Hayden, stay out of it."
Well, I am going
to stay out of it.
I'm going to stay
completely out of it.
I'm out of here.
He's very upset.
This is unbelievable.
(SIGHS) And still
no sign of Hayden?
No, and we're supposed
to start in 30 minutes.
How's Kelly?
Oh, she's a wreck.
This is just like Hayden.
I was married to him
for four years.
I should have killed him
while I had the chance.
Any word on
the father of the bride?
Not one we could say
in front of you, Reverend.
It's just so senseless.
When I think back to all
those nights I could have
just put a pillow
over his face.
Poor Kelly.
I'd better get back to her.
If she's really upset,
have her do the Hindu breathing
exercises I taught her.
(EXHALES)
Right.
Excuse me, Mrs. Fox,
I'm from the caterer.
I just wanted to ask if you think
we'll have enough champagne.
I--1 think so.
We ordered a bottle per person.
One, two, three, four...
Is he here yet?
No.
I hate him.
Now... Now, honey,
he's still your father.
Should have stuffed a potato
in the tailpipe of his car.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
I was just reminiscing.
I can't believe
he's doing this to me.
I know what he's thinking.
That if he doesn't show up that
I won't go through with it.
I'll tell you something.
I have got news for him.
At 4:00 I become
Mrs. Kelly Fox-Rosebrock,
whether he's here or not.
(SOBBING)
There, there, Son.
(TEARFULLY)
I can't help it.
This is supposed to be
the happiest day of my life.
I've been looking
forward to this all week.
Come on, Son,
silver lining, silver lining.
Did you find him?
No, and I've been everywhere.
He's just gone.
Oh, no luck, huh?
Well, he can't have gone far.
He didn't take his car.
Unfortunately, we have an
excellent bus system in this town.
I'm really starting
to get worried.
I know that Hayden
can be stubborn and childish,
but like a child,
he usually snaps out of it.
Maybe he's maturing.
I can't believe he'd miss
his only daughter's wedding.
Hey! Hi, Christine.
Luther, have you seen
Hayden anywhere?
No. I thought
that was bad luck.
Luther, we can't find him.
He got mad and walked
out of here yesterday.
He hasn't come back.
You're kidding.
No, I've looked
everywhere for him.
Gee, I knew he was upset about all this,
but I didn't think he was that upset.
Do you have any idea
where he could be?
Sure.
You do?
Yeah, he's probably gone
to his secret place.
His secret place?
Yeah. He's got this secret
place he always goes to
when he's really upset
and he wants to be alone.
I can't believe
he's going to miss this.
Somebody's got to talk to him.
Where is this place?
It's a secret.
Hayden's the only person in the
whole world who knows where it is.
I'll see
if he's there.
Luther, wait.
Maybe I should go with you.
I don't think so.
If you go he'll know you're
there to talk him out of it.
If ll go, he'll just think I'm there
to agree with him, like I always do.
Besides, I don't think you can
climb a rope ladder in those shoes.
(LUTHER GRUNTING)
(GASPING)
Hayden?
Geez, Luther!
Thank God you're here.
Hayden, can I talk to you for a minute?
No.
Hayden, I just hiked
a mile through the woods
and climbed up 60 foot of rope
ladder to a look-out tower.
I--1 really want to talk.
Oh, all right, well,
pull the ladder up,
'cause I don't want
anybody else coming up here.
All right.
Hayden?
What?
Could you pull it up?
Luther, how come
you're not at the wedding?
That's what everybody's
asking about you.
Well, you understand why I'm not
there, don't you?
No.
Luther, Kelly and Stuart are taking
a stupid chance for no reason.
You understand that,
don't you?
No.
Hayden, what's so terrible
about taking a chance?
Look at me. I'm 58 years
old and I live with a bird.
Never took a chance
in my life.
I stayed an assistant coach
'cause I didn't want to get
fired as a head coach.
Never got married because I
didn't want to get divorced.
Never ate a snail.
Yeah, they're taking a chance.
So what?
You've taken a few in your
life, if I remember right.
But how can I go there and support
something I don't believe in?
All'l know is you spent
16 years apart from Kelly
wishing you could be together.
Now you're together
and you've never
been further apart.
Hey, I'm on your side
about this wedding.
Obviously, nothing you're
gonna do is gonna stop it.
They're gonna get married whether you
stay up here in this tower or not.
But if you don't go,
well, I'm just afraid
you'll lose Kelly forever.
Seems to me like you're taking
a bigger chance than she is.
Huh.
Well, you do
what you have to.
Al know is Kelly's the closest
thing I have to a daughter.
I wouldn't miss this
wedding for the world.
I brought this just in case
you change your mind.
Wasn't easy, either.
Hey, Luth?
Yeah?
I'm coming with you.
I knew it!
I knew you wouldn't miss this!
I knew you weren't
that kind of guy!
Hot dog!
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?
Uh-oh?
Uh-oh?
It wasn't attached.
No!
It was attached
when I came up it!
I thought it would be
attached when it went down it!
Well, it wasn't!
Well, I'm no rope expert!
How do you get down when you do this?
I don't do this!
I am a rope expert.
We're gonna die!
Jeez, we're not gonna die.
We're gonna find
another way down.
There is no other
way down.
We're gonna die!
We're gonna freeze
to death up here.
Someone's gonna come along next
spring and smell something.
Just wait a minute.
I put a rope here somewhere.
Oh, my God! My bird!
Who's gonna feed my bird?
Oh, shut up.
Three senseless deaths.
Hey, Luther!
Look, come on, I found a rope!
We're going to live!
You betcha.
We're gonna die!
Oh, boy, am I glad
we tested that.
We're gonna die.
No, we're not gonna die.
Wait a minute. Hold it, Luther.
I've got an idea.
We're 60 feet up,
all right?
Now you're §'9".
I'm 6'4".
I hang on to the ledge,
you hang on to my ankles,
and you'll only
have to drop 48 feet.
That's not gonna work.
We're gonna die.
No, just...
We're gonna die.
I'm not being negative, we're gonna die.
Wait a minute. Luth, I've got an idea.
Take off your clothes.
Huh?
Yeah, we'll tie our clothes together
and we'll make our own rope.
When we get to the bottom,
we'll just
yank 'em on down.
Are you gonna take
your clothes off, too?
Yeah! Now, come on!
We haven't got much time.
Well, don't get mad at me.
If I hadn't have shown up,
you wouldn't have enough clothes to get down.
I'm sorry, Kelly,
but we're going to have to start.
I have another wedding
this evening.
We've waited over an hour.
I don't think he's coming.
I know.
I--1 think we should
just go ahead.
This is my fault. I should have poisoned him.
The man eats anything.
Kelly, what do you
want to do?
I want to marry Stuart.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we're ready to begin.
But not this way.
You're calling this off?
I can't get married
without Dad here.
I'm sorry.
I thought I could, but I can't.
Kelly, don't cry.
Stuart, what do
we always say?
It's all right to cry.
You go right ahead, Kelly.
You're going to be 3 Rosebrock soon.
You've got to learn to cry.
Hey, wait a minute.
They're here!
What?
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
Oh, nothing.
My suit got caught on a forest.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
You came.
Hey, would I miss
my daughter's wedding?