Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 3 - Bring Me the Head of Stuart Rosebrock - full transcript
Hayden is thrilled when Kelly and Stuart break up, but quickly realizes he needs Stuart's help to keep Kelly in school.
FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.
Okay, you guys,
just grab a seat.
Okay, you guys,
let's grab a seat.
Right, Coach.
Gentlemen,
before we start the meeting,
there is a little
announcement I have to make.
As you all know, Dauber here
for the last several seasons
has been
our student assistant.
But starting today,
that's going to change.
Oh?
For the past eight years,
four as a coach, four as a player,
and all eight as a student,
Dauber has been a loyal,
hardworking,
and responsible member of this staff.
So as a reward
for that kind of dedication,
today I am making him
a full assistant coach.
Great, Dauber.
Really, Coach?
Hey, congratulations, Daub.
Hey does this mean Dauber
finally got his degree?
No. No.
But it does mean that now
that he's a full assistant
he gets treated
like everybody else.
From now on we're not to use
him as our personal errand boy.
He gets treated with the same
respect as everybody else.
So, what do you say
let's get started?
(ALL CHEERING)
Can we get
some coffee first?
Sure. Daub?
Right, Coach.
The mail come yet?
Yeah, I think there's a package
for you there on the file cabinet.
Hot Dog!
Memphis, Tennessee!
The video I ordered
finally came.
What video?
The Search For Elvis.
It's an amazing
and startling documentary.
Well, you know
what a big fan I am of his.
Let me see that.
"“The Search For Elvis?
Is Elvis actually alive
"and working at the Hickory
Pit in Beaumont, Texas?
"Or is the King, as others
claim, living in seclusion
"in the Howard Hughes suite at the
Desert Inn Hotel in Las Vegas?"
That's my vote.
"This amazing and startling
documentary includes interviews
"with over 30 eyewitnesses
who have seen Elvis alive
"since his alleged death
in 1977.
"Includes the controversial Swensen
home video of the King at Sea World."
I can't wait to see this.
Hey, could I come over
to your place Saturday night
and watch it on
your big screen TV?
No, Christine's
coming over Saturday.
Don't think she'd want
to watch it with us?
I don't think so, Luth.
Dad? Hey,
there's my favorite daughter.
Hi, sweetheart. I guess I'll
just watch it by myself then.
I know
she's a serious journalist.
Seems to me like
she'd love to see this.
What's up, Kel?
Good afternoon, Coach Fox.
Stuart, what are you doing in the
athletic center dressed like that?
He's rehearsing a scene
from Two Gentlemen of Verona.
He's playing Thurio.
Huh.
Who are you playing?
Nobody. If I was in the play,
I'd be in costume.
Yeah, well, I thought...
Oh, hell, never mind.
What's up?
We were wondering
if you and Miss Armstrong
would care to join Kelly and me in a simple
repast at one of the local public houses
come this Saturday's eve?
What?
Stuart got
a part-time job today
and he wants to take us
all out to celebrate.
And you couldn't have just said
that, right, Stuart?
Dad, this is a really
big deal to us.
So what do you say?
Is it a date? Oh, I...
I couldn't help overhearing.
You might not be home Saturday night?
Okay, Luther,
you can watch the TV Saturday.
Hey, just don't get
Corn Nuts everywhere, huh?
Does he know me or what?
Thanks, Hayden. Yeah.
Okay, so we'll see you Saturday.
Come on, we gotta go to rehearsal.
Kelly, wait a minute,
hold on, hold on, please.
I need to talk to you for a second.
You don't mind waiting, do you, Stuart?
Not at all.
Good.
"Serene, I fold my hands
and wait,
"Nor care for wind,
nor tide, nor sea,
"I rave no more
'gainst time nor fate,
"For, lo! My own
shall come to me."
Right. Okay. She'll be out
in two seconds.
Please do not make me
have dinner with Stuart.
The only reason you don't
like Stuart is because
he isn't some
over-muscled macho jock.
Oh, give me a break.
You know that's only part of the reason.
Dad, look,
whether you want to admit it or not,
Stuart and I are extremely
serious about each other.
Oh, God. Jeez.
Look, this whole dinner
was Stuart's idea.
He knows
you don't like him,
he is trying very hard
to win your approval.
He even got this job partly because he
thought it would make you respect him more.
I'd respect him a lot more if he
did not walk around in pantyhose.
That's an Elizabethan
costume!
Well, then Elizabeth
should be wearing it!
(EXCLAIMS)
Dad, I don't want
to argue about this.
Stuart wants to
buy you dinner.
He wants you
to like him.
He feels like he's tried everything.
This is the last straw.
If you don't come
to this dinner
and make an effort
to reach out to him,
you'll hurt his feelings
beyond repair.
And you will hurt mine.
Is that what
you want to do?
(GRUNTING)
No.
Then is dinner on?
Will Stuart wear pants?
Yes.
Then we'll go.
Great.
But, Dad, this job means
a lot to Stuart
so try and make him
feel good about it.
Okay?
Mmm-hmm.
What kind of job
did Stuart get anyway?
He's going to be a clown at
a children's birthday party.
See you Saturday.
What a lousy way
to start the weekend.
Hayden, be nice tonight.
I don't understand why I have to
be nice to somebody I don't like.
All right, I'll try.
Hello, Coach Fox.
Oh, hi.
I heard you might be coming in tonight.
I'm Honey.
Hi, Honey.
Hi, sweetie.
You're not dining alone,
I hope.
No, no, I have a date.
Oh, my goodness,
I didn't even see you there.
I'm Honey.
I heard.
Can I get you something
to drink?
Christine?
I'd like a glass
of white wine.
And I'm driving,
so I'm just going to have coffee.
Be right back.
Oh, Honey?
Yes, doll.
Could I get some bread,
please?
You can have anything
you want.
Well, I don't believe that.
What?
You didn't notice the way
she was flirting with you?
She wasn't flirting.
She was just showing professional courtesy.
What profession?
And her name is
really Honey, I bet.
I think you really misread
that whole thing.
Here's your bread.
I put a couple
of extra heels in there.
I know how much big,
brawny men like crust.
Are you ready to order?
We're waiting
for my daughter.
And the white wine.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll go get it quick like a bunny.
I like to say, "Quick like a
bunny," because I used to be one.
That is appalling.
What is?
Good Lord, Hayden.
She did everything but sit in your lap.
Boy, clip the claws,
Christine.
Well, I'm sorry, Hayden,
but I just don't appreciate
someone coming on to you
quite that blatantly.
You just don't like her,
do you?
Hi.
Hey, there they are.
Good evening, Miss Armstrong.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hello, Stuart.
Greetings, Thurio.
Greetings, Coach Fox.
Well, what a handsome young couple.
Is this your daughter?
Yeah.
Can I get you kids something?
Iced tea, please.
Me, too, please.
Okay. Two iced teas.
Anybody else?
Are you out of white wine?
Oh, my goodness.
You must be desperate.
I'll be right back.
Well, I understand
congratulations are in order.
Yeah. Hey, how was
the birthday party?
Very rewarding.
It's nice to finally
take some of the things
I've learned in college about mime and
make-up and use them in the real world.
Right.
Of course most gratifying were the
expressions on the children's faces.
Oh, tell them what you told me about that
one little girl that didn't want to leave.
Well, I don't want to
dominate the conversation.
But I would like to share it with
everyone if they'd like to hear it.
We'd love to hear it.
Wouldn't we, Hayden?
Yeah. Go into detail.
Well, I told
all of the children
that I came from a magical
place called Clowntown.
Where the trees were
made of lollipops,
the streets were paved
with licorice
and everyone accepts everyone
for exactly who they are.
And when it came
time to leave,
this little girl came up to me
and she didn't want to go home.
Do you know where
she wanted to go?
Clowntown?
The look on her face was something
I don't think I'll ever forget.
I couldn't have asked
for a better first job.
So what did you get
paid for this, Stu?
Dad.
What? What?
Why is that such
a terrible question?
I was just trying
to be interested.
I mean, I have no idea what a
clown pulls down these days.
I mean, besides his pants.
Hayden...
It's okay.
That's a legitimate question.
I was supposed to make $25,
but the party ended up costing my
employers more than they could afford.
So, to help them out,
I accepted $10.
Ten?
Ten?
You thought you were gonna buy dinner
tonight for four people with $10?
Maybe in Clowntown,
Stu, not here.
Dad.
You didn't tell me
they only gave you $10.
What difference
does it make?
Roughly, $15.
Hayden...
Do you have a problem
with that?
Well, a little problem,
yeah.
It sounds to me like you let
yourself be taken advantage of.
You worked very hard today,
and I think all your efforts
were worth more than $10.
Kelly, I didn't do it
for the money.
It was payment enough just to see the joy
and delight on those children's faces.
Gee, I don't know, Stu.
You know, where I shop,
joy and delight ain't gonna
buy a lot of salami.
Stay out of this, Dad.
Hey, I'm on your side.
This is none
of your concern.
Why don't we order?
Look, I am just trying
to teach the kid
some of the realities
of life.
I'm not interested in
the realities of life.
Dad, you're making it sound like Stuart's
whole career is going to be as a clown.
And what do you mean you're not
interested in the realities of life?
Kelly, either we have an
alternative lifestyle, or we don't.
Well, you don't want to spend your
whole life being a clown, do you?
That certainly would
be an alternative.
I would find no dishonor
in being a clown.
But it's not what
you want to do forever.
I'm just saying if it is what I want to
do, we don't need to defend it.
I wasn't defending it.
I was just explaining to my father...
Why do we have to explain
everything to your father?
What difference does it
make what he thinks?
Hey, hey, hey!
What you're trying
to do, Kelly,
is make our life palatable to your
father and he's never going to get it.
Frankly, I'm not sure
you get it, either.
What are you saying?
I'm saying I think you're a lot more
like your father than you want to admit.
I resent that!
Why?
Because I don't think
I am like you.
HAYDEN AND STUART:
Yes, you are!
Hey, what is so wrong
about being like me?
You frighten me.
What do you mean,
I frighten you?
Hayden, don't yell.
Are you saying
I frighten you?
Yes.
You're controlling,
judgmental, inhibiting.
You're just like him.
(SOBBING)
Frankly, Kelly, I'm starting
to find this whole relationship
emotionally toxic.
Are they breaking up?
Breaking up makes it sound
like teenage infatuation.
This was a serious
love affair.
What do you mean, "was"?
They are breaking up.
I'm sorry, Miss Armstrong,
if I've spoiled your evening.
Have the restaurant
send the bill to me.
Good night, Coach Fox.
Kelly, farewell.
Stuart, wait.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
You're saying
this is my fault?
What are you looking at me for?
I was being nice.
MAN ON TV: I'd just bought
a new 10-pound line,
and Dexter and I was fixing
to catch us some crappie,
when we seen
what appeared to be
a large woolly bear
running through the woods
with a white rhinestone
jumpsuit on.
I says to Dexter,
"Do you know who I believe that is?"
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, what are you guys doing back so soon?
How was dinner?
We didn't have dinner.
As so often happens when we get
together with Kelly and Stuart,
there was a fight.
What'd you say?
No, I didn't say anything.
I was being nice.
It was Kelly and Stuart
that were fighting, Luther.
They had this big scene,
they broke up.
Jeez, no kidding.
Hey, you two gonna
be in for the evening?
'Cause I can
start this over.
Luther, Hayden and I have
a few things to talk about.
Okay. I just feel like
I'm running out on you guys.
Run.
Okay, see you Monday.
Hey, Luther,
did they find Elvis?
No. But they're this close.
You are shameless.
Do you know that?
Why?
I don't know how you could be
happy over what happened tonight.
What are you getting
mad at me for?
Hey, come on, I have
a right to be happy.
Kelly is only a sophomore,
Christine.
I want her to meet a lot of
people while she's at college.
It's her last chance.
I mean, what is so terrible
about that?
You know, you have an amazing
gift for making everything you do
sound as if it were
selfless and noble.
Hey, isn't that what being
a parent's all about?
Come on, I know Kelly.
She'll get over this.
She's 19.
She's gonna feel
bad for a while,
and then she'll bounce
right back.
You wait, you'll see.
I hope you're right.
Trust me,
I know my daughter.
A couple of weeks from now she's gonna
be her old optimistic, bright-eyed self.
Kelly. Hey, sweetheart,
we were just talking about you.
You feeling better?
A little.
See?
I just came to say goodbye.
Goodbye?
I've given it
a lot of thought, Dad.
And if Stuart and I
are through,
then I see no point in
staying at Minnesota State.
I'm dropping out of college.
And society. Good night.
Kelly, wait!
Hey, Kelly!
Hold it. Kelly!
Kelly! Come on
back in here.
What do you mean you're dropping
out of school and society?
What the heck's
that supposed to mean?
Well, I can't stay here.
Everything on campus will
remind me of Stuart.
It's all just totally
hopeless,
so I packed my car and I'm
driving to Ohio tonight.
(SOBBING)
Where are you going?
Huh?
I heard a raccoon
in my garbage.
I just don't understand how
this could have happened.
I mean, just this afternoon
Stuart and I were so happy,
filling his little squirting
flower up with water
and gluing on
his big red nose.
Now he won't even
talk to me.
Kelly, why don't you wait until
tomorrow and then call Stuart?
It won't do any good. He won't talk to me.
He's very decisive.
If he says we're fini,
we're fini.
What are you doing?
Keeping you from leaving.
Dad, give me that.
That's my suitcase.
No way!
Hayden!
Dad, give me my stuff!
Kelly!
Fine. Then I'll leave
without it.
No, no way.
(EXCLAIMING)
Dad, give me my stuff.
Kelly, let's talk.
Fine.
(EXCLAIMS)
Over here on the sofa.
Okay.
Put down my suitcases.
Fine.
(GRUNTS)
Kelly! Hayden!
Will you two stop this?
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Could we possibly sit down like
three adults and discuss this calmly?
There's nothing
to discuss.
The whole thing's
your fault.
Ever since I met Stuart,
you've been trying to break us up.
And I don't think
it's just Stuart.
If it was any other guy,
you'd do the same thing.
You want to control
my life,
and I just can't live under
that kind of tyranny anymore.
I'm leaving.
Oh, no, you're not!
Oh, no! What are
you gonna do?
Keep me prisoner
in your cabin?
I will do anything I have
to to keep you in school.
Then you'll have to
let me go to class,
and when you do,
I'll escape.
Oh, yeah? If you escape,
I'll find you,
'cause I'll hide a radio
transmitter in your book bag!
Kelly, you have got
to understand this.
No matter what
your father has done,
he doesn't want you to
leave school over this.
Yeah. And I am not trying
to control your life.
Now, what do you say I get you
and Stuart back together again?
It's too late.
What do you mean, it's too... It's only 9:20.
I can get over there right now.
I meant in
the existential sense.
Oh.
Well, hey, come on.
Just let me try, huh?
You just sit here
for an hour,
and I'll see what I can do to
make this thing right, huh?
Come on.
What do you say?
I guess I can wait an hour.
My life is in ashes anyway.
Hey, that's my girl.
If she tries to leave,
tie her up.
Stuart, wake up.
Huh? What?
We got a problem.
Coach Fox, what are you doing here?
Kelly's leaving school.
What?
Is this your closet over here?
Yeah. Yeah.
Great. Okay, come on, son.
Now, Kelly's over
at my place.
She's got her bags packed.
Come on, we gotta go talk her out of it.
Why is she leaving school?
Because you dumped
her, Stu.
Girls have feelings.
Come on.
Here, put this on.
Wait a minute.
I don't want my shirt.
Why should I talk Kelly
out of leaving school?
It's her life.
Let her do what she wants.
We can't let Kelly
throw her life away.
"A mind is a terrible
thing to waste."
Those are the words
of a great philosopher.
That's the slogan for the
United Negro College Fund.
Great. That's an organization that
understands the value of a good education.
Now come on,
let's get going.
Stuart, are you
so insensitive
that you're gonna ignore
a plea for help?
How dare you call me
insensitive?
I'd never ignore
a plea for help.
Great. Okay. Let's get your
little boots on. Come on.
I loved Kelly.
I cherished her.
I would never want her
to leave school.
She's brilliant, creative,
sensitive, she's...
Frightening.
A lot like me.
So let's not talk ourselves
back into loving her, huh?
Now what you did tonight
was just fine.
Now all we gotta do is just
make her get that degree.
Okay? All right.
I'll talk to her.
But not at your cabin.
It's got to be someplace neutral.
I don't care if you go to Geneva.
Just talk to her.
I'll meet her at Steve's Diner.
It's open late.
Great. I'll call her.
I just want you to remember
something, Coach Fox.
Maybe Kelly and I weren't
meant for each other.
We'll never know that now.
But whatever tenderness
and intimacy
might have blossomed
between us
was crushed to a really
significant degree
by the weight of your disapproval
and your interference.
And when Kelly falls
in love again someday,
as I pray she will,
I hope you'll think twice before
you trample the life out of it.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh, hell,
1 did the right thing.
(DOOR CREAKS)
Where have you been?
Kelly left here half an hour ago.
I stopped to get some ribs.
Ribs?
Yeah.
It's after 10:00.
Aren't you hungry?
Come on, let's eat before
the bag starts leaking.
I don't understand this,
Hayden.
What's to understand?
My daughter's going
to stay in school.
She and that stupid Stuart
are going to stay broken up.
And you and I can have that
romantic weekend we planned.
Hey, Christine,
you want some baked beans?
You're feeling pretty proud
of yourself, aren't you?
You've controlled
everybody's life.
Hey, I don't want to
control people's lives.
If they did things right,
I wouldn't have to.
I mean, it's like I told
the guy at the rib joint
after I made him
open up again,
"I am just a humble dad trying
to do the best job I can.”
You are not going to get away
with this forever, Hayden.
Listen to me.
You may have
pulled this off tonight,
but the day is going to come when
you're going to have to let Kelly
make her own choices
and have a little faith that she'll
end up with the right person.
Because if you would just
open your eyes for one minute
and really look at Kelly,
you'd see that she's a lot more
sensible and mature than you think.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Can we come in
for a minute?
Kelly. How you doing,
sweetheart?
Stu, what's up?
Everything all right?
Yeah.
Dad, thank you so much for
having Stuart come talk to me.
I mean, he was absolutely
brilliant tonight.
He was insightful.
He was wise.
He was inspired...
All right, Kelly, wait a second.
Are you staying in school?
Yeah.
Great. That's all I wanted to hear.
Good job, Stuart.
So, you're gonna drop
Kelly off at the dorm
and then the two of you guys'll be
off to lead your separate lives, huh?
That's the other thing we
came to tell you, Coach Fox.
Frankly, I think
earlier this evening
I was a little impulsive
in suggesting
that Kelly and I go our separate ways...
Wait a minute.
Well...
Hold it.
You and Kelly are dating
again, aren't you, Stu?
Just until next weekend.
Till next weekend?
Then what?
Then we're getting married.
filmed before a studio audience.
Okay, you guys,
just grab a seat.
Okay, you guys,
let's grab a seat.
Right, Coach.
Gentlemen,
before we start the meeting,
there is a little
announcement I have to make.
As you all know, Dauber here
for the last several seasons
has been
our student assistant.
But starting today,
that's going to change.
Oh?
For the past eight years,
four as a coach, four as a player,
and all eight as a student,
Dauber has been a loyal,
hardworking,
and responsible member of this staff.
So as a reward
for that kind of dedication,
today I am making him
a full assistant coach.
Great, Dauber.
Really, Coach?
Hey, congratulations, Daub.
Hey does this mean Dauber
finally got his degree?
No. No.
But it does mean that now
that he's a full assistant
he gets treated
like everybody else.
From now on we're not to use
him as our personal errand boy.
He gets treated with the same
respect as everybody else.
So, what do you say
let's get started?
(ALL CHEERING)
Can we get
some coffee first?
Sure. Daub?
Right, Coach.
The mail come yet?
Yeah, I think there's a package
for you there on the file cabinet.
Hot Dog!
Memphis, Tennessee!
The video I ordered
finally came.
What video?
The Search For Elvis.
It's an amazing
and startling documentary.
Well, you know
what a big fan I am of his.
Let me see that.
"“The Search For Elvis?
Is Elvis actually alive
"and working at the Hickory
Pit in Beaumont, Texas?
"Or is the King, as others
claim, living in seclusion
"in the Howard Hughes suite at the
Desert Inn Hotel in Las Vegas?"
That's my vote.
"This amazing and startling
documentary includes interviews
"with over 30 eyewitnesses
who have seen Elvis alive
"since his alleged death
in 1977.
"Includes the controversial Swensen
home video of the King at Sea World."
I can't wait to see this.
Hey, could I come over
to your place Saturday night
and watch it on
your big screen TV?
No, Christine's
coming over Saturday.
Don't think she'd want
to watch it with us?
I don't think so, Luth.
Dad? Hey,
there's my favorite daughter.
Hi, sweetheart. I guess I'll
just watch it by myself then.
I know
she's a serious journalist.
Seems to me like
she'd love to see this.
What's up, Kel?
Good afternoon, Coach Fox.
Stuart, what are you doing in the
athletic center dressed like that?
He's rehearsing a scene
from Two Gentlemen of Verona.
He's playing Thurio.
Huh.
Who are you playing?
Nobody. If I was in the play,
I'd be in costume.
Yeah, well, I thought...
Oh, hell, never mind.
What's up?
We were wondering
if you and Miss Armstrong
would care to join Kelly and me in a simple
repast at one of the local public houses
come this Saturday's eve?
What?
Stuart got
a part-time job today
and he wants to take us
all out to celebrate.
And you couldn't have just said
that, right, Stuart?
Dad, this is a really
big deal to us.
So what do you say?
Is it a date? Oh, I...
I couldn't help overhearing.
You might not be home Saturday night?
Okay, Luther,
you can watch the TV Saturday.
Hey, just don't get
Corn Nuts everywhere, huh?
Does he know me or what?
Thanks, Hayden. Yeah.
Okay, so we'll see you Saturday.
Come on, we gotta go to rehearsal.
Kelly, wait a minute,
hold on, hold on, please.
I need to talk to you for a second.
You don't mind waiting, do you, Stuart?
Not at all.
Good.
"Serene, I fold my hands
and wait,
"Nor care for wind,
nor tide, nor sea,
"I rave no more
'gainst time nor fate,
"For, lo! My own
shall come to me."
Right. Okay. She'll be out
in two seconds.
Please do not make me
have dinner with Stuart.
The only reason you don't
like Stuart is because
he isn't some
over-muscled macho jock.
Oh, give me a break.
You know that's only part of the reason.
Dad, look,
whether you want to admit it or not,
Stuart and I are extremely
serious about each other.
Oh, God. Jeez.
Look, this whole dinner
was Stuart's idea.
He knows
you don't like him,
he is trying very hard
to win your approval.
He even got this job partly because he
thought it would make you respect him more.
I'd respect him a lot more if he
did not walk around in pantyhose.
That's an Elizabethan
costume!
Well, then Elizabeth
should be wearing it!
(EXCLAIMS)
Dad, I don't want
to argue about this.
Stuart wants to
buy you dinner.
He wants you
to like him.
He feels like he's tried everything.
This is the last straw.
If you don't come
to this dinner
and make an effort
to reach out to him,
you'll hurt his feelings
beyond repair.
And you will hurt mine.
Is that what
you want to do?
(GRUNTING)
No.
Then is dinner on?
Will Stuart wear pants?
Yes.
Then we'll go.
Great.
But, Dad, this job means
a lot to Stuart
so try and make him
feel good about it.
Okay?
Mmm-hmm.
What kind of job
did Stuart get anyway?
He's going to be a clown at
a children's birthday party.
See you Saturday.
What a lousy way
to start the weekend.
Hayden, be nice tonight.
I don't understand why I have to
be nice to somebody I don't like.
All right, I'll try.
Hello, Coach Fox.
Oh, hi.
I heard you might be coming in tonight.
I'm Honey.
Hi, Honey.
Hi, sweetie.
You're not dining alone,
I hope.
No, no, I have a date.
Oh, my goodness,
I didn't even see you there.
I'm Honey.
I heard.
Can I get you something
to drink?
Christine?
I'd like a glass
of white wine.
And I'm driving,
so I'm just going to have coffee.
Be right back.
Oh, Honey?
Yes, doll.
Could I get some bread,
please?
You can have anything
you want.
Well, I don't believe that.
What?
You didn't notice the way
she was flirting with you?
She wasn't flirting.
She was just showing professional courtesy.
What profession?
And her name is
really Honey, I bet.
I think you really misread
that whole thing.
Here's your bread.
I put a couple
of extra heels in there.
I know how much big,
brawny men like crust.
Are you ready to order?
We're waiting
for my daughter.
And the white wine.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll go get it quick like a bunny.
I like to say, "Quick like a
bunny," because I used to be one.
That is appalling.
What is?
Good Lord, Hayden.
She did everything but sit in your lap.
Boy, clip the claws,
Christine.
Well, I'm sorry, Hayden,
but I just don't appreciate
someone coming on to you
quite that blatantly.
You just don't like her,
do you?
Hi.
Hey, there they are.
Good evening, Miss Armstrong.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hello, Stuart.
Greetings, Thurio.
Greetings, Coach Fox.
Well, what a handsome young couple.
Is this your daughter?
Yeah.
Can I get you kids something?
Iced tea, please.
Me, too, please.
Okay. Two iced teas.
Anybody else?
Are you out of white wine?
Oh, my goodness.
You must be desperate.
I'll be right back.
Well, I understand
congratulations are in order.
Yeah. Hey, how was
the birthday party?
Very rewarding.
It's nice to finally
take some of the things
I've learned in college about mime and
make-up and use them in the real world.
Right.
Of course most gratifying were the
expressions on the children's faces.
Oh, tell them what you told me about that
one little girl that didn't want to leave.
Well, I don't want to
dominate the conversation.
But I would like to share it with
everyone if they'd like to hear it.
We'd love to hear it.
Wouldn't we, Hayden?
Yeah. Go into detail.
Well, I told
all of the children
that I came from a magical
place called Clowntown.
Where the trees were
made of lollipops,
the streets were paved
with licorice
and everyone accepts everyone
for exactly who they are.
And when it came
time to leave,
this little girl came up to me
and she didn't want to go home.
Do you know where
she wanted to go?
Clowntown?
The look on her face was something
I don't think I'll ever forget.
I couldn't have asked
for a better first job.
So what did you get
paid for this, Stu?
Dad.
What? What?
Why is that such
a terrible question?
I was just trying
to be interested.
I mean, I have no idea what a
clown pulls down these days.
I mean, besides his pants.
Hayden...
It's okay.
That's a legitimate question.
I was supposed to make $25,
but the party ended up costing my
employers more than they could afford.
So, to help them out,
I accepted $10.
Ten?
Ten?
You thought you were gonna buy dinner
tonight for four people with $10?
Maybe in Clowntown,
Stu, not here.
Dad.
You didn't tell me
they only gave you $10.
What difference
does it make?
Roughly, $15.
Hayden...
Do you have a problem
with that?
Well, a little problem,
yeah.
It sounds to me like you let
yourself be taken advantage of.
You worked very hard today,
and I think all your efforts
were worth more than $10.
Kelly, I didn't do it
for the money.
It was payment enough just to see the joy
and delight on those children's faces.
Gee, I don't know, Stu.
You know, where I shop,
joy and delight ain't gonna
buy a lot of salami.
Stay out of this, Dad.
Hey, I'm on your side.
This is none
of your concern.
Why don't we order?
Look, I am just trying
to teach the kid
some of the realities
of life.
I'm not interested in
the realities of life.
Dad, you're making it sound like Stuart's
whole career is going to be as a clown.
And what do you mean you're not
interested in the realities of life?
Kelly, either we have an
alternative lifestyle, or we don't.
Well, you don't want to spend your
whole life being a clown, do you?
That certainly would
be an alternative.
I would find no dishonor
in being a clown.
But it's not what
you want to do forever.
I'm just saying if it is what I want to
do, we don't need to defend it.
I wasn't defending it.
I was just explaining to my father...
Why do we have to explain
everything to your father?
What difference does it
make what he thinks?
Hey, hey, hey!
What you're trying
to do, Kelly,
is make our life palatable to your
father and he's never going to get it.
Frankly, I'm not sure
you get it, either.
What are you saying?
I'm saying I think you're a lot more
like your father than you want to admit.
I resent that!
Why?
Because I don't think
I am like you.
HAYDEN AND STUART:
Yes, you are!
Hey, what is so wrong
about being like me?
You frighten me.
What do you mean,
I frighten you?
Hayden, don't yell.
Are you saying
I frighten you?
Yes.
You're controlling,
judgmental, inhibiting.
You're just like him.
(SOBBING)
Frankly, Kelly, I'm starting
to find this whole relationship
emotionally toxic.
Are they breaking up?
Breaking up makes it sound
like teenage infatuation.
This was a serious
love affair.
What do you mean, "was"?
They are breaking up.
I'm sorry, Miss Armstrong,
if I've spoiled your evening.
Have the restaurant
send the bill to me.
Good night, Coach Fox.
Kelly, farewell.
Stuart, wait.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
You're saying
this is my fault?
What are you looking at me for?
I was being nice.
MAN ON TV: I'd just bought
a new 10-pound line,
and Dexter and I was fixing
to catch us some crappie,
when we seen
what appeared to be
a large woolly bear
running through the woods
with a white rhinestone
jumpsuit on.
I says to Dexter,
"Do you know who I believe that is?"
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, what are you guys doing back so soon?
How was dinner?
We didn't have dinner.
As so often happens when we get
together with Kelly and Stuart,
there was a fight.
What'd you say?
No, I didn't say anything.
I was being nice.
It was Kelly and Stuart
that were fighting, Luther.
They had this big scene,
they broke up.
Jeez, no kidding.
Hey, you two gonna
be in for the evening?
'Cause I can
start this over.
Luther, Hayden and I have
a few things to talk about.
Okay. I just feel like
I'm running out on you guys.
Run.
Okay, see you Monday.
Hey, Luther,
did they find Elvis?
No. But they're this close.
You are shameless.
Do you know that?
Why?
I don't know how you could be
happy over what happened tonight.
What are you getting
mad at me for?
Hey, come on, I have
a right to be happy.
Kelly is only a sophomore,
Christine.
I want her to meet a lot of
people while she's at college.
It's her last chance.
I mean, what is so terrible
about that?
You know, you have an amazing
gift for making everything you do
sound as if it were
selfless and noble.
Hey, isn't that what being
a parent's all about?
Come on, I know Kelly.
She'll get over this.
She's 19.
She's gonna feel
bad for a while,
and then she'll bounce
right back.
You wait, you'll see.
I hope you're right.
Trust me,
I know my daughter.
A couple of weeks from now she's gonna
be her old optimistic, bright-eyed self.
Kelly. Hey, sweetheart,
we were just talking about you.
You feeling better?
A little.
See?
I just came to say goodbye.
Goodbye?
I've given it
a lot of thought, Dad.
And if Stuart and I
are through,
then I see no point in
staying at Minnesota State.
I'm dropping out of college.
And society. Good night.
Kelly, wait!
Hey, Kelly!
Hold it. Kelly!
Kelly! Come on
back in here.
What do you mean you're dropping
out of school and society?
What the heck's
that supposed to mean?
Well, I can't stay here.
Everything on campus will
remind me of Stuart.
It's all just totally
hopeless,
so I packed my car and I'm
driving to Ohio tonight.
(SOBBING)
Where are you going?
Huh?
I heard a raccoon
in my garbage.
I just don't understand how
this could have happened.
I mean, just this afternoon
Stuart and I were so happy,
filling his little squirting
flower up with water
and gluing on
his big red nose.
Now he won't even
talk to me.
Kelly, why don't you wait until
tomorrow and then call Stuart?
It won't do any good. He won't talk to me.
He's very decisive.
If he says we're fini,
we're fini.
What are you doing?
Keeping you from leaving.
Dad, give me that.
That's my suitcase.
No way!
Hayden!
Dad, give me my stuff!
Kelly!
Fine. Then I'll leave
without it.
No, no way.
(EXCLAIMING)
Dad, give me my stuff.
Kelly, let's talk.
Fine.
(EXCLAIMS)
Over here on the sofa.
Okay.
Put down my suitcases.
Fine.
(GRUNTS)
Kelly! Hayden!
Will you two stop this?
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Could we possibly sit down like
three adults and discuss this calmly?
There's nothing
to discuss.
The whole thing's
your fault.
Ever since I met Stuart,
you've been trying to break us up.
And I don't think
it's just Stuart.
If it was any other guy,
you'd do the same thing.
You want to control
my life,
and I just can't live under
that kind of tyranny anymore.
I'm leaving.
Oh, no, you're not!
Oh, no! What are
you gonna do?
Keep me prisoner
in your cabin?
I will do anything I have
to to keep you in school.
Then you'll have to
let me go to class,
and when you do,
I'll escape.
Oh, yeah? If you escape,
I'll find you,
'cause I'll hide a radio
transmitter in your book bag!
Kelly, you have got
to understand this.
No matter what
your father has done,
he doesn't want you to
leave school over this.
Yeah. And I am not trying
to control your life.
Now, what do you say I get you
and Stuart back together again?
It's too late.
What do you mean, it's too... It's only 9:20.
I can get over there right now.
I meant in
the existential sense.
Oh.
Well, hey, come on.
Just let me try, huh?
You just sit here
for an hour,
and I'll see what I can do to
make this thing right, huh?
Come on.
What do you say?
I guess I can wait an hour.
My life is in ashes anyway.
Hey, that's my girl.
If she tries to leave,
tie her up.
Stuart, wake up.
Huh? What?
We got a problem.
Coach Fox, what are you doing here?
Kelly's leaving school.
What?
Is this your closet over here?
Yeah. Yeah.
Great. Okay, come on, son.
Now, Kelly's over
at my place.
She's got her bags packed.
Come on, we gotta go talk her out of it.
Why is she leaving school?
Because you dumped
her, Stu.
Girls have feelings.
Come on.
Here, put this on.
Wait a minute.
I don't want my shirt.
Why should I talk Kelly
out of leaving school?
It's her life.
Let her do what she wants.
We can't let Kelly
throw her life away.
"A mind is a terrible
thing to waste."
Those are the words
of a great philosopher.
That's the slogan for the
United Negro College Fund.
Great. That's an organization that
understands the value of a good education.
Now come on,
let's get going.
Stuart, are you
so insensitive
that you're gonna ignore
a plea for help?
How dare you call me
insensitive?
I'd never ignore
a plea for help.
Great. Okay. Let's get your
little boots on. Come on.
I loved Kelly.
I cherished her.
I would never want her
to leave school.
She's brilliant, creative,
sensitive, she's...
Frightening.
A lot like me.
So let's not talk ourselves
back into loving her, huh?
Now what you did tonight
was just fine.
Now all we gotta do is just
make her get that degree.
Okay? All right.
I'll talk to her.
But not at your cabin.
It's got to be someplace neutral.
I don't care if you go to Geneva.
Just talk to her.
I'll meet her at Steve's Diner.
It's open late.
Great. I'll call her.
I just want you to remember
something, Coach Fox.
Maybe Kelly and I weren't
meant for each other.
We'll never know that now.
But whatever tenderness
and intimacy
might have blossomed
between us
was crushed to a really
significant degree
by the weight of your disapproval
and your interference.
And when Kelly falls
in love again someday,
as I pray she will,
I hope you'll think twice before
you trample the life out of it.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh, hell,
1 did the right thing.
(DOOR CREAKS)
Where have you been?
Kelly left here half an hour ago.
I stopped to get some ribs.
Ribs?
Yeah.
It's after 10:00.
Aren't you hungry?
Come on, let's eat before
the bag starts leaking.
I don't understand this,
Hayden.
What's to understand?
My daughter's going
to stay in school.
She and that stupid Stuart
are going to stay broken up.
And you and I can have that
romantic weekend we planned.
Hey, Christine,
you want some baked beans?
You're feeling pretty proud
of yourself, aren't you?
You've controlled
everybody's life.
Hey, I don't want to
control people's lives.
If they did things right,
I wouldn't have to.
I mean, it's like I told
the guy at the rib joint
after I made him
open up again,
"I am just a humble dad trying
to do the best job I can.”
You are not going to get away
with this forever, Hayden.
Listen to me.
You may have
pulled this off tonight,
but the day is going to come when
you're going to have to let Kelly
make her own choices
and have a little faith that she'll
end up with the right person.
Because if you would just
open your eyes for one minute
and really look at Kelly,
you'd see that she's a lot more
sensible and mature than you think.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Can we come in
for a minute?
Kelly. How you doing,
sweetheart?
Stu, what's up?
Everything all right?
Yeah.
Dad, thank you so much for
having Stuart come talk to me.
I mean, he was absolutely
brilliant tonight.
He was insightful.
He was wise.
He was inspired...
All right, Kelly, wait a second.
Are you staying in school?
Yeah.
Great. That's all I wanted to hear.
Good job, Stuart.
So, you're gonna drop
Kelly off at the dorm
and then the two of you guys'll be
off to lead your separate lives, huh?
That's the other thing we
came to tell you, Coach Fox.
Frankly, I think
earlier this evening
I was a little impulsive
in suggesting
that Kelly and I go our separate ways...
Wait a minute.
Well...
Hold it.
You and Kelly are dating
again, aren't you, Stu?
Just until next weekend.
Till next weekend?
Then what?
Then we're getting married.