Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 18 - Kelly Girl - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Good morning,

and welcome to
football camp.

My name is Michael Dybinski.

Everybody around here
calls me Dauber.

You will call me Coach.

As eight to 12-year-olds,

I can guarantee that the next two weeks
will be the toughest of your life,

also the most rewarding.

I remember when
I was eight-to-12.

I lived and I breathed
football.



I ate footballs for
breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I would've killed for
an opportunity like this.

Because when you leave here,
you're gonna be real football players.

You will have the sweet
taste of sod in your mouth.

You will have the thunder of colliding
helmets ringing in your ears.

You will have what it takes to show
the world that you are invincible.

Any questions?

Are you a giant?

Thank God it's Friday.

I feel like I've been on
a treadmill all week.

All I want to do is just go home,
kick back, relax and enjoy my weekend.

I don't know how you can
turn it off and on so easily.

I get so wound up
I just can't seem to stop.

Hey, Coach, is it okay
if I use the team room?



Sure, Coach.
It's all yours.

How's the football camp coming?
Great.

It's a fine crop
of young men.

(CHUCKLES)
Men?

Hey, Luther, I take this
program very seriously.

How can we possibly expect these
kids to become real players

unless we treat them
like real players?

You know, he's right, Luth.
What you got in the bag, Daub?

Milk and cookies.
We had a great practice.

What kind of cookies?

(KNOCKING)

Coach Fox,
I need to talk to you.

Yeah? Well, my weekend started
about a minute ago, Mrs. Thorkelson,

but first thing
Monday morning,

it's you and me, talk,
talk, talk, talk, talk.

I won't be here
Monday morning.

What?

I've got a plane to catch.

What do you mean you got a plane to catch?
Where are you going?

New Jersey.
What?

I know this seems sudden,

but it was the only way I could
get up the nerve to tell you.

Tell me what?

I'm taking a vacation.

A vacation? Come on,
you just had a vacation last month.

I took the afternoon off
to have a corn removed.

Hey, what you do on your
vacation is your business.

Coach Fox, in the eight years I've been your
secretary, I've never had a vacation.

Mrs. Thorkelson, come on.
You know, I need you.

Coach Fox, there
are Thorkelsons

up and down the Eastern seaboard
who think I've passed on.

Now, what I am asking is
absolutely just and reasonable.

I'm going to Parsippany,
New Jersey,

and nothing you say
can stop me.

Stop.
What is it?

How about if I
give you a raise?

This isn't about money.

How about a parking space?

Wouldn't you like to park
right next to the building

so you don't have to walk
16 blocks every morning?

I'm going to New Jersey,
Coach Fox, and that's final.

Well, I should've known this
day would come sooner or later.

(EXCLAIMS)

When will you be back?

September.

September!
Dad?

What do you mean,
September?

Is it okay if I use
the copy machine?

Two weeks a year for eight
years, that's 16 weeks.

Are you nuts?
Is something wrong?

Yeah, something's wrong.
Something's really wrong

when you treat your secretary with generosity
and kindness for the past eight years,

and she just turns around
and stabs you in the back.

What happened?

I'm taking a vacation.

She's going off to see 3
bunch of Swedes in New Jersey

and leaving me high and dry
for the summer.

I'm not leaving you
high and dry.

I've arranged
for Mrs. Wilkey

to look after things
while I'm gone.

She's probably the best secretary
in the whole university.

I have to meet
somebody new?

You know I hate that.

I'll take the job.
What?

Problem solved.

No, wait a minute!

Dad, I'd love to
be your secretary.

You know I've been looking
for a summer job.

I'll cancel Mrs. Wilkey.

Would you wait?

Dad, let her go. What's the problem?
This'll be great.

As they say in the song,
"I'll see you in September."

This is lousy.

Don't you want me
to be your secretary?

It's not that I don't
want you, Kelly.

I mean, we got, you know,
a lot of scheduling to do for the fall,

we got equipment to order,

we got tons of letters going
out, and there's the phone.

You don't think
I can handle it.

There's that.

Look, I'm not saying I'm as good as Mrs.
Thorkelson.

But I can type, I can file,
I'm hardworking and punctual.

Plus you're always
telling me

we should spend
more time together.

This way we'll be
together every day.

I know, but sweetheart, are you sure
you can handle this much responsibility?

I mean, I depend on my
secretary an awful lot.

Then depend on me.
Now, I promise you 1 will be 100% professional.

Please, please, please,
please, please!

Yeah, well...
Great! Thanks, Dad.

I promise you, I am gonna be the
best secretary you've ever had.

The best secretary I ever had was Mrs.
Pascal at Chattanooga.

She hated to travel.

Oh, Dad, there is one
sticky little thing.

Since I'm going to be working
for you for 16 straight weeks,

do you think
you could call Mom

and tell her I won't be
coming home for the summer?

No, I think I'll have my
secretary make that call.

Okay.

Did I tell you? Did I tell you?
You were right.

What'd I say, huh? What did I say?
You were right.

Was I right, or was I...
You were right!

Luther, what the hell
difference does it make?

All I'm saying, if you advertise
an "all you can eat" breakfast,

then legally,
they have to let you eat all you can.

And they don't do that.
They cut you off at 12 pancakes every time.

Well, that's more than
most people can eat.

Not me. I paid 2.95.
I ought to be able to eat till I die.

Luther, you really want your last words to
be, "I'll have another pancake"?

Good morning, Boss. Luther.
Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, doughnuts!

Yeah, well, I wanted to make a
good impression on my first day.

Hey, these are good.
How many can I have?

As many as you want.

You say that,
but you don't mean it.

You wanna try one?
They're homemade.

You made these?
Of course not. Stuart did.

They're organic wheat berry.

I know.

And now, I'm at
your disposal.

Give me a project.
I am ready to go.

Kelly, this is my letter to the
27 incoming freshman players.

Now, even though each guy
gets exactly the same letter,

I want you to type
them up individually.

'Cause, I think, you know,
form letters are kind of impersonal.

Can you do that?

No problem.

Kelly? Oh, great,
I found you!

I have got the most
exciting news!

Oh, hello, sir. I hope
they're not too dry.

Kelly, you're not gonna
believe this.

What happened?

You've been accepted to the
Shakopee Shakespeare Festival.

You're kidding?
No!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Daddy, can you believe this?

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

I didn't think I was gonna get to
do any theater at all this summer,

and now I am.
So when does it start?

Tomorrow.

I've got a million things
to do to get ready.

So, what is this?
Is this something you do at night?

Oh, no! This is
16 hours a day,

seven days a week
for the whole summer.

It's really intense.

Then how can you go?
What do you mean?

You have a job.

You're kidding.

You're gonna
hold me to this?

Hold you to this?
Honey, you begged me for this.

Oh, but that was before
I knew I got Shakopee.

This is an incredible
opportunity, Dad.

For the first time in my life,
I'll be working in a professional theater.

How much do they pay?

Well, I don't get paid anything.
I'm an apprentice.

Oh, come on, you can't
be serious about this.

I mean, if this was really an
opportunity, I could understand it.

But this is playtime,
Kelly.

If you think spending the
summer in a barn in Shakopee

with 20 other college kids,

painting scenery and making
costumes is playtime,

then I feel
sorry for you.

Look, I'm not trying to
be the bad guy here,

but you asked me for a job,
and I gave it to you.

Now, that's called
commitment.

That's why there's so many
letters in the word,

because it's a
big deal, Kelly.

Dad, you are being
completely and totally unfair.

You're denying me a wonderful
opportunity and ruining my life.

It's my responsibility as your
father to teach you some values.

Fine. But I'm warning you,
if I have to do this stupid job,

I'm not gonna be happy for
one minute this entire summer.

Go ahead.
That's up to you.

You can mope around here

and make yourself and everyone
else around you miserable,

or you can be a grownup,
you can accept the challenge as it is,

and just have a good time,
just be cheerful...

Was I right,
or was I right?

You were right.

I mean, if the sign said,
"12 pancakes for 2.95," I wouldn't have a problem.

But the sign said,
"All you can eat."

Did you get any more
than 12 pancakes?

That's what I mean.

I've been going in there every morning
for breakfast for the last two weeks

and they cheat me
every time.

(TYPEWRITER CLICKING)

Well, they did it to me,
Hayden.

If you mention the word
"pancake," Luther,

I'm gonna sew your mouth shut.

What's the matter with you?
I'm the one who got cheated out of breakfast.

What are you upset about?

I'm supposed to have
a secretary who does this.

Where's Kelly?

She's not here.

Not that it matters.
She's not here when she's here.

Yesterday, I asked her to
type out 27 of these letters,

and she moped around all day
and she got three of them done.

If she's that upset,
maybe it'd be easier for you

just to let her go
do her little play.

No, I'm gonna teach her what it
means to stick with something.

(EXCLAIMS)

Yeah, but I gotta
get this done.

Dauber, how many words
can you type?

All of them, Coach.

Good morning,
and what a beautiful morning it is.

Who feels like a muffin?

Luther.

What the hell are you
doing here, Stuart?

Well, sir, I hope you're
not going to be upset,

but Kelly quit.

What?
I'm your new secretary.

What do you mean,
she quit?

Well, sir, Kelly agonized
over this all night.

There was her love for you
on one hand,

and her love for the theater
on the other.

In the end she decided
she had to follow her bliss.

Look, Stu,
I'm set to blow anyway,

so don't go lighting the fuse
with words like "bliss."

She's gone to Shakopee.
I'll Kill her.

No, no, wait, sir.
Wait. Wait.

Stuart, are you
touching me?

Oh, God. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

But I really don't think you
should go rushing up there.

Yeah, I don't
need you to move

to get through the door,
you know.

At the risk of
having an opinion, sir,

I really think we could
make this work.

I am a very competent
secretary.

I can type 60 words a minute,

and my coffee is
always rich and fresh.

I don't care if you picked
the beans yourself, Stu.

I don't want you here.
I want Kelly here.

It was her job,

and I want her to go through with
it, all right?

Hi, Hayden.

Hi, Christine, what
are you doing here?

Well, it's nice
to see you, too.

I was just in the area,
and thought I'd stop by

and see if I could take your
new secretary to lunch later.

You don't have to.
He'll make it for you.

What?
Kelly quit.

What? Ask the muffin man.
He'll tell you.

What happened?

Kelly got accepted to the
Shakopee Shakespeare Festival.

Stu?
Yes, sir?

This is good coffee.

All right, everybody,
here we go.

King Lear,
you're on the heath.

And... Wind! Wind! Wind!
Rain! Rain! Rain!

Now, Lear is enraged.
Insane!

Battered by the storm
from the skies,

battered by the
storm within!

Right.

Rumble thy bellyful!

Spit, fire! Spout, rain!

Nor rain, wind, thunder,
fire are my daughters.

Stop, stop, stop!

Look, this isn't
Singin' in the Rain.

You're not grasping
the essence of this man.

King Lear.

He's as big as a country.
He's shouting at a storm, for God's sake.

He's railing at
the elements. He...

Yes? Can I help you?

Excuse me, I didn't want to
interrupt your little play.

Well, you have.
What can we do for you?

I'm looking for Kelly Fox.

Do we have a Kelly Fox?

There's that little
apprentice, Kelly Rosebrock.

There she is.

I was afraid you'd do
something like this.

Yeah, we need to talk.

Dad, I don't want to talk.
I made a decision,

and if you can't understand
it, that's your problem.

Hey, you're the one with
a problem, young lady.

No, I'm the one
with a problem.

I'm trying to run
a rehearsal here.

I'm sorry. Dad, we can't
talk about this now.

I wanna talk about it now.
Not here!

Then pick a place!

Saint Paul is nice
this time of year.

I am really sorry.

Dad, why don't we just
go back to the prop room?

Fine! Then we
can talk there.

I knew you'd do
something like this.

I can't believe you
skipped out on me!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Where were we? You were talking
about the essence of Lear.

Oh, yes, which you
failed to grasp.

Now, Lear has been betrayed
by his daughters.

He's absolutely deranged.

A man more driven, more
controlling, more berserk with rage

is simply impossible
to imagine.

Don't you walk away from me when
I'm talking to you, young lady!

You're not talking,
you're screaming!

I am not screaming!

Oh, good. Kelly and
her Dad are back.

I am really,
really sorry.

Yes, I'm sure you are.

It's a break, everybody.

Oh, no! You don't
have to do this.

He's leaving.
The hell I am!

Dad, you are humiliating me!

What do you care about what they think?
What about what I think?

You know, I'm starting to think
you're somebody I don't know.

Oh, that's really funny.

Dad, all I am doing
is following my dream.

Which is exactly what you
did when you were my age.

Hey, I never broke
a commitment!

You and mom split up.
Something broke somewhere!

That is a cheap shot.

Splitting up was something your
mom and I decided together.

Nobody ran out on anybody.

But you split up because you wanted to
keep moving on to improve your career,

and mom didn't want to.

All I'm doing is moving on
to help my career.

You of all people should
understand that, Dad.

We are the same
kind of people.

So don't you go knocking me for living my
life the way you've always lived yours.

I'm trying to keep you from making
the same mistakes I made, Kelly.

God, that's what
every parent says.

Yeah, 'cause that's what
every parent tries to do.

Every parent has been trying to do
that since the beginning of time.

And if one kid
would just listen,

we could get out of this mess.

Well, it's not gonna be me.

Look, I am not
an idiot, Kelly.

I know what it means
to wanna follow a dream.

I know what it means to wanna sacrifice
everything to go for that dream.

And I know what wet paint feels
like, and I know I'm sitting in it.

(EXCLAIMING)

God!

(GROANS)

I am an idiot.

Look, all I'm trying to say,
and it's taken me years to learn this,

achieving your dream is
not nearly as important

as how you choose to
get that dream, honey.

Because you're capable
of anything you want.

You got the talent.

But if people don't trust you,
if they don't respect you,

you can still
have it all, honey,

but you're gonna
have it all alone.

That's all I wanna tell you.

All I'm saying is, they shouldn't put
the sign up if they don't mean it.

They say "all you can eat," but they
don't let you eat all you can eat.

Discrimination is what it is.
It's discrimination against big eaters.

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, there you are.

I've been waiting around
to find out what happened.

Why did you change
your pants?

I sat in some wet paint.

What?

I can see you two
are anxious to talk.

I'll just leave you alone.
I just want to know, is Kelly coming back?

I don't think so, Luth.

Kelly's out.
Stuart's out.

I guess that means
the muffins are out.

(DOOR CLOSES)
You know what?

I'm really surprised at Kelly.

I don't know, I guess maybe she was just
following in her father's footsteps.

What do you mean?

Well. as she pointed out,
her lack of commitment was inherited.

Hayden, I don't think you
can blame yourself for this.

You've always believed
in commitment.

Everybody who knows you
knows that. Including Kelly.

Yeah, well, maybe

commitment is something you have
to teach them when they're young.

And I wasn't around for that.

Oh, great, you're back.
The men are all waiting for you.

What men?

You know, my men.

Today's their first
intercamp game.

You said you'd give them
a pep talk.

Oh, that's right.

I hate to make you do it,
but you did promise.

Yeah, I know.
I made a promise, I'll stick to it.

Jeez, why do I feel like I've
had the life sucked out of me?

Relax, Coach. Nobody can
pump them up like you can.

Hayden, I wish I could
stay, but I can't.

We're still on
for tonight?

Yeah. I'll see you later.

Hey, all I'm saying is, if they put a
sign up that says "all you can eat..."

Luther, come on.
Get out of here!

Gentlemen, as promised,
I give you the head coach

of the Minnesota State
Screaming Eagles,

Hayden Fox.

Men,

before you go out there and play
your first game at our football camp,

I'd like to talk to you
about commitment.

The key to every successful
football team is commitment.

Because if you're
not committed,

your players can't
depend on you.

People can't depend on you.

Your teammates
can't depend on you.

Now what happens
if a downfield blocker

doesn't protect his running back?
He isn't committed?

What happens?
I'll tell you what happens.

That runner gets blindsided

and his legs just
snap off at the hip.

Now what happens if
the offensive line

isn't committed to protecting
against the blitz?

What happens to the quarterback?
I'll tell you what happens.

They have to pry his
lifeless body out of the turf

while his head just rolls
into the end zone.

Coach, I think you're scaring them.
What if...

Am I scaring you guys?

Well, that's okay,
'cause commitment can be a scary thing.

It can mean a lot of pain. It can mean disappointment.
But I'll tell you one thing.

There's no greater honor than making
a commitment and sticking to it,

even though you may have
to give your life for it.

Now, with that in mind,
I want you to go out there and have fun today.

All yours, Daub.

Thanks, Coach.

So you guys pumped up?
Let's go get them!

(BOYS EXCLAIMING)

Kelly.

I don't want to go
into a big thing.

I was wrong. I'm back.

I'm sorry.

Where's that letter that
you wanted me to type?

Stuart's got it.

Okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Dad, I'm not feeling real
great about myself right now.

I'm hoping by coming back
I'll start to feel better,

but right now, I really
don't wanna talk about it.

Kelly? Kelly.

Dad...

I'm sorry.

Kelly?
Yeah, she's back,

but she doesn't want
to talk about it.

There's so much
I wanna tell you.

And I finished
all the letters, sir.

I would have had
them here sooner,

but I hand-lettered
all the envelopes.

You're kidding!

Well, calligraphy is
something of a hobby for me.

I can't believe you
walked away from Shakopee.

Yeah, me neither.

That was a really brave thing to do.
I'm proud of you.

What did they say
when you told them?

Let's go.

Honey, what did they say?

Kelly, you did tell them
you were leaving, didn't you?

HAYDEN: Kelly?