Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 16 - Professor Doolittle - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

(SCATTING)

Luth.

Come on, Luth?

Got any two's?

Fish.

Hi, guys. Is my dad around? Hey.

He's at a meeting in the
University President's office.

Nothing wrong, I hope.

I hope not either.
I dread it every time he has to go up there.

It makes it impossible for me to
concentrate on anything until he gets back.



Got any fours?

Well, that's okay.
We wanted to talk to you guys, actually.

Are either of you aware

that the giant green sea
turtle is nearly extinct?

Sure.

Great.

Well, Stuart and I
are participating in

a Walk-A-Thon
to help save them.

How's walking going
to save a sea turtle?

It raises money.

For instance, if you pledge
five dollars a mile,

and we walk five miles,
you contribute $25.

I still don't understand
why you're walking.

Why don't I
just give you $25?



Well, you can,
but this is like us earning it.

If you want to earn $25,

why don't you come over to my
house and paint my kitchen?

Because we don't want
to paint your kitchen.

But you want to raise money?
Right.

You want to save the turtles?
Right.

But you don't want to earn it
by painting my kitchen.

You want to earn it by
walking around on the street

for five miles
just going over?

Right.

Sure, I'll give you
five dollars a mile.

Great, thanks.
How about you, Daub?

I'll paint your kitchen
for $25.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Yes, Randall?

RANDALL: Dr. Tewksbury,
Coach Fox is here to see you.

Good. Send him in.

Hello, Hayden.

Hey, Elaine.

Oh, boy!
This office looks great.

Thank you. I haven't
done anything to it.

Yeah, I know.
What I meant was, you know,

when you took over as University
president, I just thought,

being a woman, you know,
you might, womanize it.

But...

You didn't, you know.

I mean, you didn't make it
all pink and flowery.

I made a real effort
to hold myself back.

Well, it sure shows.

Sit down.
Sure, you got it.

I suppose you're wondering
why I wanted to see you.

Well, I think I can guess.

Okay, guess.
Okay.

Well, it is spring, you know.

That time of year
when a young coach's heart

turns to thoughts
of contract renewal.

And when that young coach
is at his best season ever,

I don't know, I just thought it
might come to the attention...

Hayden, we're not here
to renegotiate your contract.

We're not?
We're here to discuss

living up to your contract.
What do you mean?

I see here in your file that
you don't teach any courses.

Surely you're aware that
every member of this faculty

is required to teach.

I teach. I teach football.

You coach football,
which is an after-school activity.

"After-school activity"?

You're making it sound
like a chess club

or a girls' drill team
or something.

Hey, you know what I do contributes
a couple of millions big ones a year

to this university!

And by the way it is
a full-time job,

and all the past presidents of this
university have understood that.

Hayden, the past presidents were
wrapped around your little finger.

They understood that, too.

Well, those days are over.

I was brought here to raise the
academic level of this institution.

Who told you that?

Hayden, despite the
"couple of million big ones"

that your football program
brings in,

it doesn't begin to cover the
costs of running this college.

Look, I will never ask you to
teach during the football season,

but the season is over
and your recruiting is done,

and you are going
to teach a course.

I know why
you're doing this, Elaine.

You're trying
to get back at me

for sneaking out of that hotel
room in Miami five years ago.

Man!

You really flatter yourself,
don't you?

What happened between us
five years ago is forgotten.

When I walked out of Room
412, that muggy April Monday

and closed that squeaky
grey door behind me,

I put you and the aroma of Hai
Karate out of my mind forever.

I mean, this really
isn't about Miami?

Miami is forgotten!

Why can't you put it out
of your mind like I have?

It's ancient history!

And so, coincidentally,
is the course I'm assigning you to teach.

You want me to teach history?

That is what your degree
is in, isn't it?

Well, yeah,
I mean, technically.

You'll teach
Survey of Ancient History.

I haven't taught a course
in 15 years!

I gonna be
terrible at this! I mean...

Listen, if you
really want to raise

the academic standards
of this institution,

I think it would be better
if you just left me out of it.

Hayden, the days of you getting
special treatment are over.

As long as I'm president
of this university,

everyone is going to live
and work under the same rules.

You just can't admit that
this is a grudge, can you?

Grudges are for children
and professional wrestlers.

I'm an adult and a PhD.

I haven't wrestled since

Miami.

The new quarter
begins in two weeks.

If you haven't taught in 15 years,
I suggest you start preparing.

Boy! I'll tell you something.

This is the last time
I go to bed with a woman

who could one day
end up being my boss.

Well, on behalf of working
women all over America, Hayden,

thank you!

Oh, Dad, just the man
we wanted to see.

How much money
do you want to give

to help save
the giant green sea turtle?

I don't know.

How much did I give
to save the white-tufted owl?

$10 a mile.

Are we just about
at the end of this, guys?

I mean, how many more animals
are we going to be saving here?

Because maybe I could just
write you one big check

for the whole animal kingdom
and be done with it.

How did the meeting with
the university president go?

Not great!
I didn't think so.

Why don't we come back
when you're in a better mood?

Meeting went bad, huh?

Boy, I just can't believe
how much that woman hates me.

You don't have to
fire anybody, do you?

No. I wish
it were that simple.

I got to teach a class
next quarter.

You?

I mean... You.

Aha!

Excellent choice.

You can't teach anything.
You're a football coach.

I know that.

But it's in my stupid contract,
which nobody bothered to read

until that bitter spinster
from Miami came along.

You don't think she's doing
this just to get even, do you?

Of course she's doing it
just to get even.

She's a wicked,
vengeful, spiteful woman

with a great set of wheels.

She knows how hard I'm gonna
have to work this spring

to teach that class.

I just wish there was some
way to get back at her.

You ought to just fill the
class with football players

and give 'em all As.

I love that.

I was just joking, Hayden.

You're a genius, Luth.

I can't be. I just...
l wasn't even thinking.

But I mean, it's so perfect.

How many guys on the team
have failing grades?

Well, gee, I don't know.

There's Medavoy,
Winston, Sikowski,

Tucker, Webb, Abercrombie,
Munchak, Filmore...

Yeah, well,
that's a lot of them, right?

Right.
It's a lot of them. Okay.

They want me to teach
a history class?

I'll teach the easiest history
class in the history of history.

This class will be so easy
even a pea-brain can pass.

Can I get
in this class, Coach?

You bet you can, Daub!

Go tell all the guys
in the football team

to sign up
for Coach's history class.

Right.

This was a great idea, Luth.

And I got you
to thank for it.

You know,
if this works out

I just might get back
into teaching myself.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Nah.

Everybody here
already knows how to drive.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hey, men!

(ALL CHEERING)

Are you ready
for some history?

ALL: Yeah!

All right.

Who are you?

Leonard Kraleman.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What are you doing here?

Taking this course, sir.
Why?

Because everyone has to take
four courses in the humanities,

and I signed up
for this one.

Get out of here.

What? Are you interested in
history, Leonard?

Immensely, sir.

Then you've come
to the wrong place, son.

But this class
is a requirement.

It's also a requirement
to play football, okay.

To be a member of this class you
have to be a football player.

Now, come on, son,
let's move it. Come on.

But I really want
to take this class.

Come on.
Hey, Coach,

if he wants to stay,
let him.

Okay, guys, what do you say,
should we let Leonard stay?

ALL: Yeah!

He'll be fun to throw.

Okay, Len, you can stay.

But any questions
and you're history.

Okay.

This course is a survey
of ancient history.

Now, what is ancient history?

Basically, it's your Romans,
your Egyptians and your Greeks, okay.

So, it's kind of
an introduction

to those late,
great ancient cultures,

and my teaching assistant
Luther,

go down to the video store last
night and rented Spartacus,

(ALL CHEERING)

Hercules,

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

and Cleopatra.

(ALL CHEERING)

The European version.

So, sit back. Relax, guys.

Watch the first hour,
and I'll see you here next Wednesday.

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, by the way,
this class meets pretty close to lunch,

so next time, somebody bring
some pizzas, huh?

Invented by the Romans,
I believe.

You know, I can't believe I put up
such a fuss about this teaching thing.

I can feel the academic
standards rising already.

I can't believe
we're getting away with this.

Coach Fox?
Yeah.

I'm Dr. Alshire, Chairman
of the History Department.

Hey, how you doing, Doc?

So, you're going to be teaching our
103 class this quarter, I understand.

Well, is that Survey of
Ancient History? Yes.

That's me, boy.

I've brought down
the material for the course.

Material?
Mmm-hmm.

We have the syllabus and the lecture
notes, reference material,

and of course
we have the final exam.

(EXCLAIMS) Final exam.

Gee, you know, I wasn't sure I
was gonna give them a final exam.

I thought maybe
I'd assign an essay

or a collage or something.

This is
a required course, Coach.

It has a standard final that
everyone is required to pass.

What?

Are you...

Are you saying the kids
have to pass this test?

Yes.

But there is over 3 hundred
questions in this thing.

What is this? The history
of the whole world?

It's a very thorough examination
of the course material.

And any student who
doesn't score at least 70%

receives a failing grade.

Huh.

Well, I have a lunch.
If you have any questions call me.

I understand it's been quite
a while since you've taught.

But ancient history hasn't
changed much in the last 15 years.

I'm sure
you'll do just fine.

We're in trouble, aren't we?

(EGYPTIAN MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV)

Okay, guys! Listen up.

Dauber, turn off
that stupid movie.

Guys, I just found out that to pass this
course, you got to take a test

that has over
100 questions on it.

I've been looking
through this thing

and I can't even answer
some of these questions.

(ALL CHATTERING)

It turns out
that this is a real course.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

Now what you guys
got to do,

you got to go over to administration right
now, you got to drop this class.

DAUBER: Wait a second, Coach.

If these guys
drop this class,

they won't have enough
credits to play next season.

Then transfer
to another class.

All the easy classes will
be filled up by now, Coach.

Excuse me,
I gotta go lie down.

No, Luther,
you're gonna stay here

and you're gonna
stay on your feet.

Now, wait a minute,
let me think.

If you guys
can't drop this class,

we gotta figure out some way
for you to pass the final.

Okay, come on, anybody
got any ideas here?

Yes, Leonard?

Study.

ALL: Study?

(ALL CLAMORING)

Now wait a minute, wait a minute,
before we kill Leonard maybe...

I have a thought there.

What are you suggesting,
Coach?

Okay. What if we really
try to pass the final

by actually
learning history?

You're kidding.

Come on, don't look at me like that.
You guys aren't stupid.

You can do it.
Fred, give me the playbook.

Come on, there's over
70 plays in here.

If you can memorize 70 plays,
you can memorize 70 answers.

And that's all you need
to pass the final.

We can't do this, Hayden.

Well, sure we can.
We've got ten weeks.

That's only, what,
seven questions a week.

That's one question a day.

How do you figure?

Come on, you guys, what do you say?
We all study together.

We'll help each other.
We're a team, huh?

What do you say?
Can we beat history?

ALL: Yeah!
Okay.

Now what do we need
if we're gonna study?

Books!
Come on, we need books!

God!

Now come on,
who's got a library card?

Man!

Well, we're gonna need
more than that.

Now, I want you guys to all
get over to the library,

get a library card.

Leonard will show you
where it is. Okay?

Now, we can all get books.
Now what I want you to do

is check out every book
they got on Ancient History.

Can you do that?
ALL: Yeah!

Now, before you go,

I want to
tell you guys something.

I believe in you, okay.

Before you go out there

what I'm asking you to do
is not unprecedented.

Has any of you ever heard of
the movie Stand And Deliver?

It was about this
high school math teacher

and he teaches all these
under privileged kids

calculus and everything.

Well, they end up getting the highest
scores in the history of the school.

Now if they can do it,
we can do it. Right?

(ALL AGREEING)

So let's go over there
and get those books.

Lenny, show them the way.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Hayden, what you said about
that math teacher, is that true?

Yeah.

How did he do it?

I don't know.
Let's go rent the movie and find out.

(INAUDIBLE)

Luther, would you stop pacing?
You're making me crazy.

What if they didn't pass?

Well, they must have passed.

Come on, we worked our butts
off trying to get them ready.

They did pretty well on that
practice test we gave them.

Yeah, but look how many times
we've had great practices

and then get in the game,
they forgot everything we told them.

Sit down, will you?
I'm want to pace for a while.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

That was Tewksbury's office.
The results are in.

Well, that's it. They flunked.
We're fired. I'm lying down.

Oh, come on, Luther,
don't panic on me.

I mean, what if they did pass,
what if they didn't flunk?

What if she's calling me
up there to congratulate me.

Well, let's keep
a positive thought here, man.

Luth, positive thought.

Keep your fingers crossed.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Yes, Randall?

RANDALL: Dr. Tewksbury,
Coach Fox is here.

Thank you. Send him in.

Hello, Hayden.
Hey, Elaine.

Well, as the ancient Greeks used to
say, I come bearing gifts.

I believe it's "Beware of
Greeks' bearing gifts."

But, thank you and sit down.
Okay.

We have
your class's test results.

I asked Dr. Alshire
to send them to me

because, well, I just take a natural
interest in everything you do.

Look, Elaine,
you know how important this is to me.

Please don't keep me twisting in the wind here.
I mean, did we pass?

Oh, is not knowing
making you nervous?

Yes.

Hmm.

Elaine, come on.

Relax, Hayden. You did fine.

We did?
Yes. Your whole class passed.

You're kidding?
Well, except for one,

a Leonard Kraleman.

Leonard didn't pass?

But still, I mean,
it's a remarkable effort.

Your class did better on this
final than any other class

in the past three years.

Al right!

Man, it's Stand and Deliver
all over again.

You thought this was
going to ruin my spring,

but you were wrong, Elaine.

Hayden...
No, I mean, Elaine, come on.

You were out to get me,
but I got you.

Oh, man!

This is the most exciting victory
in my whole career, Elaine.

I mean, I taught those guys that
they could learn history, you know.

I told them to believe in themselves,
and by gosh, they went out and did it.

They learned history.

I mean, they may forget it all
tomorrow, but who the hell cares.

Oh, man, I'm so glad you
made me teach that class.

Because I really learned something
about Hayden Fox, you know.

There's no challenge
I can't meet,

and no mountain
I can't climb.

There's just no ocean
I can't swim.

I just love that
about myself.

How do you distinguish that

from all the other things
you love about yourself?

Well, it's just the most recent
thing, that's all.

Well, I do have to
give you credit, Hayden.

You showed me
a sense of responsibility

that I didn't think
you were capable of.

And I think
you deserve a reward for that.

How do you feel about England,
Ireland, and Scotland?

God, I love those places.
Are you sending me there?

No, you're such
a good teacher,

I'm assigning you to teach two
English history courses this summer.

Oh, come on, Elaine.

I don't want to spend my summer
teaching two stupid courses.

You're doing this just to get even
with me for Miami, and you know it.

Well, maybe I am.

But you know, Hayden,
I have to thank you for something.

Because you've helped me learn
something about Dr. Elaine Tewksbury.

I have learned that when it comes to
you, I do hold a grudge.

And that I can never forgive
you no matter how much I try.

I'm a vengeful, vindictive,
spiteful person.

And I just love that
about myself.