Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 15 - Homewreckers - full transcript

WOMAN: Coach is filmed
before a studio audience.

Dad, can I talk to you
for a second?

It's really nothing.

Kelly, I don't feel right
coming to your dad about this.

Something's gotta be done,
Stuart.

I'm tired of seeing you
pushed around. Now sit down.

What's the problem?

It's the guys at
Dauber's house.

Ever since we moved in,
they've been picking on Stuart.

I wouldn't call it picking.

It's really just
good-natured joshing.



Well, it may have started out that
way, but it's gotten out of hand.

Now, a few weeks ago
at dinner,

Stuart was serving,
as he always does,

and somebody said,
"Pass the mashed potatoes."

And as a joke,
Fred passed Stuart.

That's not funny, Dad.
Oh, I thought you said it was a joke, honey.

Well, not any more.

But now every night at dinner
somebody lifts Stuart

and passes him
around the table.

Now, we've asked them to stop,
but they won't listen to us.

We were thinking maybe since
they're your football players

they'll listen to you.
Will you say something?

Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah, well,
I'll tell the guys to stop passing Stuart.

Thank you.
I really appreciate this, sir.



Hey, no problem.
You're a human being.

You deserve to be treated
with respect.

And if those guys don't do it,
you just let me know.

Okay, fellas. Now,
the reason I'm talking to you

about this problem with Stuart
is because, well,

Dauber, you know, it is your
house, and you're responsible.

And Fred, everybody there pretty
much follows your lead, you know,

especially at
the dinner table.

So I would like you guys
to stop playing with Stuart.

Coach, I think the guys are
just trying to include him.

Well, I know that.
I know that.

It's pretty rough
to find stuff to do with him.

But you know, Kelly is
getting awfully upset,

and the guys at the house pretty
much like Kelly, don't they?

Oh, yeah.
Everybody thinks Kelly's swell.

And they're pretty much
scared of me, right?

Oh, yeah.
Everybody thinks you're terrifying.

Well, then for Kelly and me,

I would like you guys to stop
passing Stuart at the dinner table.

Now, we can still make him,
you know,

cook the meals and do the dishes
and wash our clothes, can't we?

Well, sure. I'm not trying
to be unreasonable here.

Oh, am I interrupting anything?
Does this look important?

Okay. See you guys later.
See you, Coach.

I was wondering
if you were free for lunch.

Well, I think I can
make myself free.

I mean, I was supposed to take Howard
Burleigh out for his birthday lunch,

but I can blow him off.

Hayden, if it's his birthday... No, it's not.
His birthday was two months ago.

I blew him off then,
I can blow him off now.

Besides, it's not that often
we get to see each other

in the middle of the week.
What's the occasion?

It's not your birthday, is it?
No.

Unfortunately,
I'm here with some bad news.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, I hate bad news.

Well, don't panic.
It's not terrible news.

I just found out that I have
to do the weekend newscasts

for the next four weeks while
Sally's on maternity leave.

What? Are you kidding,
Christine?

Golly's sakes, you know how much
I look forward to our weekends.

I mean, nobody in America
likes weekends as much as I do.

I'm sorry, Hayden,
there's nothing I can do.

Oh, yeah. I can't go
four weeks without seeing you.

I can't even go four days
without seeing you, Christine.

I mean, I have a need
to see you.

Well, I would ask you to come to my
place, but I know you'd hate that.

I don't hate your place.
I mean, how can you say that?

I've only been there twice
in the last three years.

Well, that's one way I know.

Hayden, you're happy in your cabin,
that's the only place you are happy.

No, I could be happy
at your place.

How? Each time you get there,
you're bored,

you get cranky, you get
claustrophobic, you get bored.

Look, Christine, listen,
I promise I won't get bored.

Well, I just don't want to be
responsible for your having a good time.

I mean, any more than usual.

Oh, great. 'Cause I think
it's going to be a lot of fun.

Oh, hi, Christine.
I didn't know you were here. Hi.

Hey, Coach, here's
Howard's birthday cake.

You ready to take him
out to lunch?

Well, Christine and I
are going to have lunch.

You're going to have to push
Howard off for another week.

Hayden, Howard's birthday
was two months ago.

This cake isn't going
to stay fresh forever.

No, it'll keep.
Just put it back in the freezer.

Well, it's not going to
taste very good.

Well, it doesn't matter.
It's the thought that counts.

Freeze her up, Daub.
Right.

It's still a nice thought.

Oh, boy. Great time
we had, huh?

Hey, you got to admit,
I haven't been bored once.

I'm happy for you.
Yeah.

Well, you had fun at the
batting cage, too, didn't you?

Oh, yeah. Would you mind
taking your shoes off?

I'm sorry to
keep asking, but...

No, no, no. New carpet.
New carpet. No problem.

Listen, I'm sorry to run,
Hayden.

But if I don't leave now,
I'm going to be late.

Well, don't hang around
on my account

because I am having
a fabulous time.

Here, this is for you.

It's a little survival kit while I'm gone.
Oh, come on, Christine.

I know you said you weren't going to be
bored, but just in case,

I rented you a video
with NFL bloopers.

And I bought you every single
sports magazine I could find.

Christine, you know,
you're treating me like a little child.

I know this is probably silly,

but in case all else fails,
I thought this would keep you busy.

See, you try to get the BB's
in Snoopy's dish.

Christine.

(RATTLING)

Hey, this isn't easy, is it?

I have already put a casserole
in the oven for you.

It's mostly ground beef,
so you'll like it.

It will cook for one hour

and it'll start cooking
at 6:00.

(TIMER DINGS)
When you hear this ding,

you take the casserole out
and you turn off the oven.

I'm going to leave the timer
here so that you can hear it.

Got it.

Hayden, there's just
one more thing.

If you would eat
in the dining room

and not in front of the
television set because...

I know. You got a new carpet.

I'm really being a nag,
about this, aren't 1?

Oh, no. I mean,
if ]ll had brand-new all-white carpet

I'd be worried, too. But then again,
I wouldn't have a brand-new all-white carpet,

but then I wouldn't have soap shaped
like a seashell either, you know.

We're just different people,
honey.

Right. Well, I'm going.
Okay.

Now, I am going to be gone
for seven hours, Hayden.

You sure you're not going to be bored?
Oh, come on. I'm not gonna be bored.

I'm really glad
you came up this weekend.

Me, too.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

Whew, that was close.

(RAZZING)

Six and a half hours to go.

God, I'm bored.

Hey, Luth? Hayden.

You doing anything?
I didn't think so.

Hey, you want to
come over to Christine's

and kind of camp out
till she gets back?

Great. How soon can you leave?
Luth?

Okay.

Luth is on his way.
Now what do I do for the next hour?

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
One more hour.

Good afternoon, sir.
I'm Bill Bradshaw, Mutual Fidelity.

I know the last thing
in the world

a man wants to do
on a Saturday afternoon

is talk about life insurance, so...
Well, sure. Come on in.

Really?
Yeah. Take off your shoes.

Oh, boy.

HAYDEN: And when I saw that
kid streaking down the sideline

I knew the game was over.
That we'd won, I'd gone seven and four,

and that's the best record
at Minnesota State

since Curley O'Brien
was head coach.

I am telling you, it was one of the
most exhilarating moments of my life.

Speaking of your life, I would like to
get around to how we can protect it.

Okay. You know, Hayden,
to put it in football vernacular,

no one really knows when that
final buzzer is going to sound.

(DOORBELL BUZZING) That's
your final buzzer, Bill.

What?
Yeah.

My buddy, Luth, has gone ahead
and shown up,

and thanks a lot for stopping
by and have a nice day.

Hi, Hayden.
Hey, Luth.

Who's that?
Oh, just a fan.

(KNOCKING)

Can I have my shoes?
Well, sure you can.

Thanks.

Boy, am I glad you came up.

Hey, are you kidding?
I'm thrilled you called.

I was just going to clean out my
bird cage and turn my mattress.

This way I get to
spend the evening with you

and still have something
to look forward to tomorrow.

Yeah, well, you better
take your shoes off

'cause Christine
just got a new carpet.

Don't want to get anything on it.
Right.

What are we gonna do tonight?
Well, anything we want to.

Okay. Christine got me an NFL bloopers tape.
She rented it. We could watch that.

Hey.

We got a casserole cooking in the
oven and when the timer goes off...

All right.
...we can eat that.

Anything we want.
Anything we want.

Anything we want.

Checkers, play checkers. I bet you and
Christine play checkers a lot, don't you?

Well, not as much
as you might think.

Hey, blackjack.
You want to play blackjack?

Yeah. Okay.
Christine's got some cards in here.

Hey, Luth. If you want something to drink,
just help yourself. It's in the fridge.

All right, thanks.
You bet.

Anything we want.
HAYDEN: Anything we want.

Well, this sure
is a pretty apartment.

Feels funny without Christine being here, though.
Makes me kind of feel like

I'm peeking into her privacy.

How much she pay for this,
do you know?

Oh, about
$1,400, I think.

Fourteen... Wow.

Of course, you know,
when you figure an apartment like this...

Oh, jeez!
HAYDEN: What's the matter, Luth?

Oh, jeez! Oh, jeez!

HAYDEN: What's the matter?
Nothing!

(EXCLAIMING)

Okay, found the cards.
Blackjack, blackjack, blackjack.

Here we go, buddy.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

That's good.
Anything we want.

Oh, anything you want.
One down, one down, one down, one up.

All right. Hit me!
Hit me!

Hit me!
Hit me!

Hit me!
Boy, are you going to hit me.

What do you mean?

This grape juice stain.
What do you mean "This grape juice stain"?

Oh, jeez!

Luther, what the hell
did you do?

I don't know. I was just pouring it and I
kinda got no explanation for what I did.

I don't know, why'd you have
me over in the first place for?

Oh, Luther how did you do that?
I don't know, I was...

(YELLING)

Luther, don't just stand there.
Go get something to mop it up.

Oh, I'm sorry. Jeez!

What the hell is a grown man
drinking grape juice for anyway?

Well, stand back.
I got it, Hayden. I got it.

Where'd you get that towel, Luth?
Christine's bathroom.

Why does it have a belt?

'Cause it's her bathrobe.
Oh, jeez!

Oh, God! Oh, jeez!

Oh, God!
Oh, Luther!

Stop me, Hayden.
I don't know what to do!

Just stop moving!

Just give me a moment
to think!

I got to call Kelly. She'll know what to do.
Kelly, Kelly. Oh, God.

Don't sit down!
Don't sit down.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello.
Kelly? Dad. How's it going?

Fine. How's it going with you?
Oh, great!

Hey, Kelly, how do you get grape
juice stains out of a carpet?

You got grape juice
on Christine's carpet?

No. No. Just asking.
Just wondering.

Oh, Dad.
How could you do that?

I didn't do it, Kelly.
Luther did it! Thanks, Hayden.

Is the carpet wool
or synthetic?

Well, I don't know. It's white.
It could be lamb for all I know.

Why doesn't he go
to the supermarket

and rent a steam cleaner?

Why don't you go to the supermarket
and rent 3 steam cleaner?

Oh, great. Why did I have to call you
guys to hear that kind of information?

Kelly, you are in college.
I wanted something brilliant.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot. Goodbye.

What was her idea? You don't even
want to know it. It's so stupid.

Hey, you know
what I was thinking?

Let's go to the supermarket
and rent a steam cleaner.

Hey, that's a great idea.
And maybe we can get back before that thing dries.

And while we're there,
we can pick up some more grape juice.

(TIMER DINGING)

I can't believe we've been
gone over an hour.

I'm telling you
something, Luther.

If that stain is set,
you are in big trouble.

I can't believe
you're blaming me.

You're the one that drove over
broken glass and got a flat tire.

Yeah, who dropped the bottle of grape juice
and broke the glass in the first place?

Who hit me over the head
with the steam cleaner?

Oh, Luther, really,
that is so small, you know?

Always blaming
somebody else.

Oh, great.
What's the matter now?

Well, the door's locked!

Don't you have a key?

How silly of me.

Of course I don't
have a key!

Why not? You'd think Christine
would have left you one.

Why? I wasn't supposed
to go anywhere.

I was supposed to stay in that
apartment and not be bored.

And I was not supposed
to have you over.

What the hell
are you doing?

Do you smell
something burning?

Oh, that's our dinner!

I was supposed to take that out
of the oven over an hour ago!

(ALARM BEEPING)

What's that?

It's a smoke alarm!

Luther, stand back!
We're on fire!

(ALARM BEEPING)

Oh, God!
Hayden, your shoes!

Luth, get
a fire extinguisher!

Good evening,
how are you folks this evening?

Nice to see you.
I got one, Hayden!

I got one.

Luther, what the hell
are you doing?

I saved your life.

I wasn't on fire! I was okay.
I was just going to throw this out!

You said
there was a fire!

The fire was
in the oven!

Well, I just can't seem to do
anything tonight to please you, can I?

There is one thing
you can do.

What?
Hold this!

It's hot, Hayden!

How's the kitchen look?
The kitchen's fine. The oven's melted.

I'm telling you,

I just hope that Crazy Carl's
Appliance Store delivers that oven

before Christine
gets back here.

Did somebody
call for a carpenter?

Hey, Daub! Ah, Daub!
Great. Good to see you.

Where's the patient?
Right here, Doctor.

You think you can fix it?

No problem,
it's mostly just splintered.

The only thing I don't know
is if the lock still works.

You got a key?

If I had a key, hammerhead,
I wouldn't have knocked down the door.

Right.

I wonder if Christine keeps
a spare around here somewhere?

Yeah. Here's one.

There was a key?

This is your lucky night, Coach.
The lock still works.

Okay, okay, guys, I think
we're cookin' here.

Now, Christine's not gonna be
back for a couple of hours.

Daub, you are gonna fix that door.
Check!

Luth, you keep sucking up that stain.
Check.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Fellas, I think
this is gonna work.

No need to panic.

Hello?

Hey, Christine!

(LAUGHING)

Hey!

That's the best news
I've heard all night.

Oh, I can't wait.

Okay, see you
in 20 minutes.

Now there's a reason
to panic.

She's coming home?
Yeah!

Some jerk at the station decided to
fill in for her on the late news.

I mean, can you
believe people?

Now wait a minute, I think I can
be done with this in 20 minutes.

So can l.

What about Crazy Carl? He's not gonna
have that oven here in 20 minutes.

Maybe one of the neighbors
has the same kind of oven.

You're right!

All these apartments
are the same.

Marion across the hall has got the
same kind of oven. I'll ask her.

You're going to ask Marion
to give you her oven?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know it's strange, but, hey,
hey, I'll just use a little finesse.

(BANGING ON DOOR) HAYDEN: Marion, open up!
I need your oven!

I got it, Coach!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Come on, fade right,
Dauber, fade right.

Go deep.

Hey, Luth, would you help him
install that oven, would you?

Christine's gonna be here any minute.
Right.

Oven coming, Marion.
Move your cat.

I really
appreciate this, Marion.

Hayden, you know you're putting
me in a very awkward position.

I know. And you're a peach.
Thanks.

Wait. How long am I gonna have this oven
in the middle of my living room floor?

Just overnight, I promise.

I'll take care of everything
else in the morning, okay?

Okay.
Yeah.

Now all I got to do,
is get the steam cleaner down to my truck

before Christine gets home.

All right.
Good luck, I guess. Yeah.

And, Marion, sorry I got you
out of the bathtub.

(HAYDEN EXCLAIMING)

Here she comes, Marion.
Close your door!

Come on. Close your door!

Here she comes!

Christine's coming, guys!

We're almost there, Coach.
Yeah, okay.

Go out the back way when you're
done and take that thing with you.

Thanks for having me
over, Hayden.

(MUMBLING)

(GROANS)

Hi.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wow, has it been
20 minutes already?

I got so engrossed in this article,
I guess I lost track of time.

What's it about?

(MUMBLING)

Oh. Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

Oh, come on, give me a kiss.

Well, how was your evening?

Fine.

You kept busy?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Why is my carpet wet?

Is your carpet wet?
Yeah.

Yeah, I can feel it.

Huh? Well, uh...

I don't know.
I mean, it's new.

Maybe it's like leather,
it sweats.

Hayden.

Well, maybe the floor's leaking,
or maybe somebody spilled something.

Maybe...
Maybe I spilled something.

God, I was so close!

Is there something
you want to tell me, Hayden?

No!

But I have to now,
though, don't I?

What is it?
Oh!

Christine, ...

I just had a terrible night.

Oh, what happened?

I got bored.

I mean, not right away. Not...

You know, not...

It was about
a half-hour after you left.

Oh, man.

I hate telling you this.

You'll feel better.

I called Luther,
and Luther came over and...

Between the two of us,
we managed to spill

a quart of grape juice
on your carpet.

Oh, no!
Yeah, well...

Where?

Well yeah, see,
you can't even see it now

'cause we rented a steam
cleaner, and that's why it's wet.

But first we tried to
mop it up with your bathrobe.

Then we went and we got
that steam cleaner,

and then the door
got locked, and then...

Then we broke down the door.

You broke my door?

Yeah, but Dauber came over
and he fixed it,

and then we just fixed everything up.
Everything's fine.

(STUTTERING)
And then you came home.

Before the carpet
had a chance to dry.

Basically, yeah.

Man, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

For what?

I'm sorry that there seems to
be so little trust between us

that you seemed to
have to hide stuff from me.

Hayden,

we have been together
over three years now,

and I still can't seem
to make you understand

that it's okay
to be honest with me.

I don't care if you spilled
grape juice on my carpet.

I don't care if you

broke my door.

I don't even care
if you set the place on fire.

What I do care about

is you telling me the truth.

That's what makes us close.

That's what
makes a relationship.

I don't know
why I can't learn that.

I don't either.

I don't know, maybe it's just 'cause I'm
thinking that if I'm honest, Christine,

you won't like me.

Hayden,

I love you
when you're honest.

I'm glad I came clean.

Is there anything else you
want to tell me about tonight?

No.

I told you about Luther
and Dauber and the door

and the carpet
and the bathrobe.

Pretty much it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Crazy Carl's
Appliance Store.

Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah.
I bought Marion an oven.