Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 13 - Carnival Knowledge - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Coach, if you don't need me
anymore, I'm gonna head on home.

Hey, Daub.

What the hell have
you got on your head?

Kelly got it for me
from the theater department.

I'm gonna be a psychic
at the carnival.

Oh.

Scoff if you will,

but I learned
in my psychology class

that we all have
an untapped psychic ability.

They told us the average person
only uses 10% of their brain.



Then you got a lot of
catching up to do.

Wait a minute.
I'll prove it to you.

Something is going to ring.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Of course! The phone.

Coach here.

Yeah, Howie, I'm working on the budget,
I'll have it on your desk in the morning.

Oh, come on.
That doesn't prove anything.

Everybody knows the phone
rings in here every 30 seconds.

Wait a minute.

Girl! Girl! Pretty girl.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Excuse me. Could you tell me where
the cheerleading tryouts are?

Down the hall
and on the left.



Thanks.

Everybody knows the
cheerleading tryouts are here.

Come on, it's a coincidence.

Paper towels.
I see paper towels!

Dauber, just get the hell
out of here!

All right, Coach.

Oh, jeez,
all over my damn budget.

Anything wrong, Coach?

Huh. Coincidence,
or psychic phenomenon?

You be the judge.

Luther, would you relax?

I can't help it. You know I always get
nervous when you're working on the budget.

Why?

Well, you know, I'm always afraid
you're gonna end up $32,000 over

and then remember
that's how much I make,

and then I'll be gone
because I'll be out of a job.

Is that me?
No.

How much over budget
did we come out?

Quarter of a million dollars.

That's a relief.

Fox!

What is this I hear about you
not helping out at my carnival?

Hmm. Well, I'll explain it
to you, Judy.

I'm not helping out
at your carnival.

I'm gonna get out of here
before the screaming starts.

There's not gonna be any
screaming here today, Luther.

I'm perfectly willing
to bury the hatchet.

Well, that could lead to screaming,
depending on where you bury it.

You know that my women have been invited
to compete in a tournament in East Berlin,

and you know that I am staging a
carnival to raise money for that trip.

Now all the other coaches have
volunteered to help out in the booths,

and I would think that
you would be gracious enough

to join in this effort towards
greater international goodwill.

Nope.

(EXCLAIMS) I hate you,
I hate you, I hate you!

You are the most selfish,
ungiving person

I have ever worked with
in my entire life

and I hope you fall down in a honey
patch, and a thousand bees eat your face!

Hi. Oh, I didn't know you
were busy, I'll wait out...

No, no, no,
come on in, Christine.

Are you done
screaming at me, Watkins?

I hope for your sake,
that he's just a transitional boyfriend.

So, are you ready to go to lunch?
I'm not hungry.

What's the matter?
Are you upset?

Upset, frustrated,
exasperated, livid.

But not hungry, huh?

In case you've forgotten,
I went in today for my annual contract negotiation.

All I wanted
were three little things.

A closer parking space,

the title of Managing Editor,

and a crummy little
5% cost-of-living increase.

What do you think I got from
those little management maggots?

Well, let me take a wild guess
and say nothing.

Right. Nothing.

You know why?

Yes, I know why.
Because I'm not aggressive.

Say it again.

Hayden, I know my problem
is I'm not aggressive.

Christine, I don't understand why you
let them do this to you every year.

You got steamrolled.

I mean, why do you
let them get away with that?

Because I don't wanna
rock the boat.

Oh, Christine,
that's what the boat is for.

You got to rock it
from time to time,

otherwise it just sits there and
it gets barnacles on its bottom.

Right.

Then I come off as some
demanding prima donna.

A demanding
prima donna? You?

You are the
nicest person I know.

You're the nicest person
in Minnesota.

You are the nicest person
in the Western Hemisphere.

Thank you.

Christine,
that wasn't a compliment.

I mean, that's why you don't get those things.
You're not aggressive, you're too nice.

Well, why can't a person just
do a good job, and be nice

and have people notice that?

Why do you have to
be aggressive?

Because, sweetheart, that's
the way the world works.

The world is
an evil place.

An evil and stingy place.

Well, I hate that.

Look here, Christine,
if you're gonna get anything in this world,

you have to be aggressive.

You know, this nice stuff
has gotta end.

I'm just not sure
I can do that.

Christine, I can teach you.

Oh, come on, Hayden.

No, I mean, that's what I do
for a living.

I take nice people like you and
turn them into people like me.

I can make you a warrior,
Christine.

Well, I need something,
that's for sure.

Well, I'm the man
that can do it.

Okay, come on.

Who's the number one
newscaster in Minneapolis?

Larry Tavy.

Okay, okay, who's number two?

Christine Armstrong.
Who?

Christine Armstrong.
I can't hear you!

Christine Armstrong.

That's right, and where is Christine
Armstrong gonna park her car?

Hayden, I get the point.

I can't hear you!
I get the point.

All right.

Now, you and I are gonna go
up there to Minneapolis

and you are gonna march into
that General Manager's office

and you are gonna get
everything you want.

I already asked them for everything I
want, they turned me down.

Ask?

Christine,
we are not gonna ask,

we're gonna demand.

We're gonna be aggressive.

I mean, look at
me and Watkins, okay?

She wants me to go
to this stupid carnival

just to help her with
a girls' basketball team.

So she comes in here and barks at
me and waves that bony finger at me.

Then me, I wanna do something
else, so I bite that finger off

and I spit it
back in her face.

That's negotiating.

That's something I never do.

Well, then, you should
start giving it a try.

I know, you're right.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I am gonna take your advice.

I am going to go back up there

and bite their fingers off.

Oh, God!
I love the sound of it.

And after the meeting
I'll buy you a victory lunch,

if you're not
too full of fingers.

(HAYDEN LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Hayden, you're pushing me.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm just excited.

Now, there's the General Manager's office.
Go get him.

Would you ask him if he
has five minutes to see me?

Tell him Christine Armstrong
wants to see him pronto.

Christine Armstrong would
like to see you. Okay.

You can go right in.
Thank you.

Yeah, remember what we talked about.
Don't give any ground. Go on the offensive. Attack.

Right.
That a girl.

How does my hair look?
Oh, Christine.

Oh, wait, okay, okay.
I'm going.

All right.

What are you?

I'm a warrior.
That a girl.

(SIGHS)

I'm her boyfriend.

I figured.

Hayden Fox, Minnesota State.

How do you do?
Fine, thanks.

I guess it's no accident I'm a football
coach, yeah, probably.

Spend my whole life motivating
people, I don't know,

something inside me just makes me wanna
drive people to live up to their potential.

That's nice.
That's a good quality.

More like a gift, really.

You know, I just know how to read people.
You, for example.

Something inside of me tells me that you're
not thrilled about being a receptionist.

Some days
are worse than others.

Yeah, but you can't
settle for that.

You gotta constantly be
driving to go to the top.

Now, I believe in young
people. I believe in you.

You're gonna be okay.

Thank you.

1 did it.
Already?

You were right!

I went in there,
put my foot down and they crumbled.

All right.

I got the parking space.
And?

And I get to start
using it tomorrow.

No, I meant,
and what else did you get?

I didn't ask for
anything else.

I was aggressive, made a decision.
I decided to quit while I was ahead.

Quit while you're ahead?

Christine, you got a slab of concrete and
two while lines. You didn't get anything.

Now come on, they're cracking.

You gotta bite
those fingers off.

Don't give up
until you taste knuckle.

You're right.

What are you?

I'm a warrior.

Can I give you
a piece of advice?

People,

and especially people
who are women,

have to fight to get
what they deserve

because, let's face it, I mean,
there is a lot of sexism out there.

I see it in my line
of work every day.

Babes just don't get breaks.

I know, you're probably thinking that
just because you're a receptionist

that you don't
deserve that much.

Let me tell you something,
mark my words, that's gonna change.

Because I can tell, just from looking at
you, that you are not gonna be

a receptionist
the rest of your life.

I hope you're right.

I usually am.

This is unbelievable.

Well?

I got Managing Editor.
They never give that title away!

I love being tough.

Yeah, tough is great.
What about the money?

Oh, there's a very good reason
I didn't go for the money.

Oh, Christine!
You didn't get the money?

Well, without that,
all the rest is meaningless.

Honey, money is where
they show their respect.

I know, I know, but they were being
so nice about everything else.

Nice, nice, no, we talked
about nice. Nice is out.

Christine, you got them reeling.
I mean, they're back on their heels.

Now's the time
you go for the bomb.

I don't think asking for
a 5% raise is a bomb.

Make it 20.

Just so we can
call it a bomb?

No, no, that's negotiating.
You ask for 20, you get 10, that's a compromise.

Listen, Christine,

all they've given you so far is the icing.
Now you gotta go for the cake, huh?

Yeah.
Trust me.

I know what I'm talking about.

I'm sure this never happens,
but what if they say no?

You don't give them a chance.
Take it or leave it.

What if they say
they'll leave it?

Then you head for the door.
They panic, and you get your 10%.

What are you?

She's a warrior.

Yeah.

You know, I'm kind of glad you've
been listening to all this because

there's a lesson
to be learned here.

And that lesson is,
don't give up.

Go for whatever it is
you wanna go for.

'Cause I believe
that you can do it.

In fact, I know you can do it.
So what, what do you wanna be?

A biochemist.

I'm working on my PhD
and hope to discover a link

between excessive hemoglobin
protein and DNA-enhanced coagulants.

Well, I'd like to think I had
something to do with that.

Well?

Well, I told them to take it
or leave it.

They didn't take it.

What did I tell you?

What did you say?

I said, "Then I'm leaving."

Oh, great!

What'd they say?

They said, "Goodbye."

I'm out of a job.

What am I gonna do?

Okay, you gotta give me
a moment to think.

Okay.

All right, what they expect
you to do now is panic.

Then they're not gonna
be disappointed.

No, Christine, you can't
go back in there now.

Hayden, get out of my way.

Should I call security?

Come on, I can handle her.

Hayden!

This has gone too far.
lam not going to lose my job over this.

No, Christine,
it's gonna be okay. Really.

Look, look.

Look at the picture.

I love that picture.

So do they.

What does it say on the side
of every bus in Minneapolis?

"Christine Armstrong.
She's your friend."

They're not gonna fire
Minneapolis' friend.

They just did.

Christine, they're bluffing!

This is classic
negotiating.

They're as panicked as we are!

As you are!

Look, all we gotta do now
is just hang tough,

and wait for them to come
crawling to you.

I don't think they're going
to crawl or walk or anything.

I think they're going
to let me go.

Oh, Christine, please, would you just
have a little faith in your coach here?

Let you go?

By the time we're done with them,
they're gonna name this building after you.

That is the oldest
trick in the book.

Now, if you think that turban
makes you look like a real psychic,

wait until you see this.

Wow! A cape!

Yeah, it's from Camelot.

Wow! An imported cape.

I can't believe
I let you do this to me.

Christine, we are engaged
in a process here.

There is nothing to be
concerned about.

What's the matter?

Thanks to your father,
I lost my job.

What?

It's part of a process.

What did you do?

Nothing, nothing. She's in the
middle of a contract renegotiation

and they've just had
a little snag.

Yes, they've let me go.

Would you quit saying that?
They've not let you go.

If you keep saying that,
you're just gonna make everybody nervous!

Well, look, if you're gonna get a
5% raise out of this whole thing,

you're gonna have me to thank for it.
All you got to do is just hang tough.

Little tougher, honey.

How can I hang tough,
Hayden?

You keep telling me I'm gonna get my job
back, what if I don't?

You will.
What if I don't?

You will.
What if I don't?

Oh, Christine, you're not
even making sense anymore.

I just thought you'd like to know that
I talked to the university president,

and he says you have to
help in my carnival

or he's taking the money
for my team's trip

out of your team's budget.
See you at 5:00.

Oh, yeah, well, I don't
have to... Well, five this!

I can't believe she brought the
university president into this.

I mean, I don't wanna go
to some stupid carnival.

Well, then don't go.

You heard her, I have to.

No, you don't.
You just have to hang tough.

Bite those fingers off.

Tell them if they make you
go to the carnival, you quit.

Christine, I'm not gonna lose my
job over some stupid carnival.

You expect me to lose my job
over some crummy 5% pay raise.

Oh, come on. That's
a completely different thing!

Why?
I'll tell you why.

Oh, forget it, I'm not gonna tell
you why if you don't know why.

I am leaving.

Why?

If you don't know,
I'm not gonna tell you.

Christine, wait.

I just can't believe
how she's overreacting.

Dad. Now, I know you think you're never
wrong, but what if you are?

You may have screwed up
her whole life today.

Are you willing to deal with the
responsibility if Christine does lose her job?

Are you gonna pay her bills
and find her a place to live,

and go out and get her
another job,

and deal with the guilt of
knowing that you cost her this job

and friends that
she really likes?

Hayden, I just heard the university president
is gonna make you be in the carnival.

No, I can't deal with it
now, Luther,

I gotta go up to Minneapolis,
save Christine's job. See you.

Christine lost her job?
Yeah.

How'd Christine lose her job?

I don't know.

I walk down the hall five minutes to get a
Fudgsicle, the whole world falls apart.

Hey, you guys.

LUTHER: Hey. DAUBER: Hey, Coach.
You made it.

How'd it go with Christine,
did you get her job back?

Oh, yeah, sure did,
we got a 5% raise, too.

You're kidding.

No, really, it wasn't
that hard, actually.

I mean, Christine's so nice,
everybody just seems to like her.

The only reason they rid of
her in the first place,

they couldn't understand
her obnoxious behavior,

but after a couple minutes with
me, they said they understood.

I bet she's thrilled.

Yeah, well, she would be
if ll could get a hold of her.

Tried to phone her,
she's not home.

There you are.

Where have you been?

Come on, Watkins,
lay off, will you?

I've had a horrible day and just
seeing you is making it worse.

Well, your booth is ready.
Come with me.

Yeah? Well, I hope it's easy,
'cause I gotta tell you, I am exhausted.

Don't worry,
all you have to do is sit.

Al right!

(CHEERING)

Oh, no way am I
going up in there.

Well, it's either that or
you can write me out a check

for 18 roundtrip tickets
to Berlin.

You did this on purpose.

Sure. But you should
be flattered.

When everybody heard that you were
gonna be in the dunk tank, we sold out,

and there are people lined up
clear to the Student Union.

(CHEERING)

You know, some day
I'm gonna get you, Watkins.

You and your little
assistant, too.

Okay, folks. Step right up and dump the big guy.
Who's gonna be first?

I am!
lam!

(ALL CLAMORING)

CROWD: (CHANTING) Go, go, go...

HAYDEN: Hey, Sam!

Before you throw that ball,
I'd like to share a thought with you.

I'm in a cage now,
but tomorrow I won't be.

Though there are 18,416,00 graduate
students at this university,

I will track you down
and I will find you.

This isn't gonna be
so bad after all.

Hey, Christine!

(WHISTLES)
Over here. Hi.

Oh, Hayden, there you are.

Did you get my message?

No. Actually,
I went to the station.

I was going to ask
for my job back,

but then I found out you'd beaten me
to it and gotten my job back for me.

Yeah.

How much to dunk him?

Three balls for a dollar.

I'd like to run a tab.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna dunk you, Hayden.

You're mad at me
because I got your job back?

No, I'm mad at you
because you took control.

I was just trying to help.

No, you were trying to take
over, just like you always do.

Ever since I've known you,

I've watched you control
everybody's lives.

Luther, Dauber,
your team, your daughter.

Christine, you're the one that said they had a
problem, you know, being aggressive.

(THUDDING)

How am I doing now?

(ALL LAUGHING)

A lot better, a lot better.

Christine, look. I know I have
this control problem, all right?

And I've really been
trying to control it,

but it's not easy
to give it up, you know?

It's the only gift
I've got in life.

I'm pushy.

I mean, God gave it to me and I
think he meant for me to use it.

Well, that may be, Hayden,

but you've got to know
when to stop.

I've been waiting
for a sign, honey.

(BELL RINGS)

That may have been it.