Coach (1989–1997): Season 2, Episode 12 - Coaches Conference - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Hayden,
you've got to read your mail.

You're not going to believe
what you've been invited to.

What are you doing
reading my mail?

(STAMMERING)
Well, I didn't mean to.

It got put in my office
by mistake.

And I was just so
excited I got some mail,

I just tore it open without
looking to see who it was for.

This is from the Alliance of College
and Professional Football Coaches.

Yeah, they're having their annual
conference and you've been invited.

Read it.



Did you see where
they're having it this year?

I'm getting to it.
The Sherman Hotel.

Here it is,
"Sherman Hotel."

You know where
the Sherman Hotel is?

I'm getting to that.
Memphis, Tennessee.

Here it is,
"Memphis, Tennessee."

You know what's
in Memphis, Tennessee?

I wish you were in Memphis!

So do I
Graceland is in Memphis.

Graceland?
Graceland Mansion.

The home of Elvis Presley.

I just can't believe this.

I'm being invited
to the Coaches Conference.

Do you know how many years
I've dreamed of going to this?



Do you know how many years I've
dreamed of seeing Graceland?

You know what
a big Elvis fan I am.

Hayden, can I go with you?
I'll pay my own way, I swear.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, yeah, you can go.

I just don't believe this.

I mean, finally, at last I'm going to
be up there with the big boys, Luther!

By the way,
here's the rest of your mail.

You're due for
a dental appointment

and they're auditing
your 1987 tax return.

What? I can't believe that
we're going to Memphis!

Just think, four hours from now I'm
going to be at the Coaches Conference.

Well, this is what happens
when you go 7-and-4, Christine.

I mean, all of a sudden
you get to hobnob

with the elite of
the coaching profession.

I mean, imagine me,
getting to rub elbows

with men I've admired
and been jealous of for years.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Daub, come on,
we're almost ready to go.

Any special instructions while I
look after your cabin this weekend?

Well, I told you, Daub.

Now, the cabin is yours
for three days.

You just enjoy yourself.

Watch TV, listen to the
stereo, reshingle the roof,

do anything that comes
into your little head.

Hey, everybody ready?

Luther, we're only going
to Memphis for three days.

How many clothes
are you bringing?

Just these.

What's in the trunk?

Well, right now, nothing.
But it's coming back filled with Elvis souvenirs.

I don't want to
rush you guys,

but if we're going to get to the
airport, we've got to go.

Oh, right. Yes.

All right, see you Monday, Daub.
Okay.

And congratulations again
on a dream come true.

Hey, thanks.
Thanks.

LUTHER: Is this
a great hotel or what?

I can't believe we're here.

HAYDEN: Yeah, I can't either.

I thought we were going to spend
all day in the airport gift shop.

Hey, thanks for
pulling me out of there.

If there's one thing 1 don't
need, it's a lot of useless junk.

Come on, let's check in.

We're checking in to Memphis.

Hey, how're you doing?

Luther, do you know
who that was?

That's Barry Switzer!
You're kidding.

Oh, yeah, I was standing
next to Barry Switzer.

That man took Oklahoma to
three national championships.

I'm in that fraternity now,
Luth.

Want a stick of Elvis gum?

Sir?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just excited.

That was Barry Switzer.
I know.

I just checked him in.

Oh. I'm Hayden Fox.
I'm checking in.

I won 7-to-4 this year.

Well, congratulations.
Thanks.

While you're looking,
do you have a room for Van Dam?

I'll check.

Say, what's with the ducks?

Oh, we're famous
for those.

They live here.
We've had them 100 years.

Gee, they look great.

Here you go, Mr. Fox.
You're in Suite 402.

I'm in a suite?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Luth, this is going to be
first class all the way.

I'll say.

Mr. Van Dam,
you're in BS.

Just take the elevators
down one floor.

I'm in the basement?

Well, we call it
the lower concourse.

Am I near
a soda machine?

I believe you are.

Great. Then they got it right.

Well, I'm going to
find the gift shop.

I'll see you back here later.
Okay.

Well, then I think I'm gonna
go check in the Conference

and rub a few elbows.

Hayden Fox, checking in.

I don't have a Hayden Fox.
But I have a Hayden Fex.

Hayden Fex?

Well, they spelled
my name wrong.

We did?

Well, maybe that's just
wrong on the envelope.

"Hello,
my name is Hayden Fex."

Would you like me
to correct that?

Yeah, would you?

Well, thanks a lot.

You're very welcome, sir.

Hey! Hayden!

Hayden Fex!

Earl Gleem,
Universal Athletic Apparel.

No, it's Hayden Fox.
Hayden Fox.

They screwed up on this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, but you are with
Minnesota State, right?

Yeah.
Yeah. The Screaming Beagles?

Screaming Eagles.
Wait, let me see that.

They screwed up on everything,
they didn't get anything right.

Does that mean your record
wasn't 9-and-4 this year.

9-and-4?

Oh, yeah.
Well, they got that right.

Am I glad I ran into you!

How would you like to endorse
one of our fine products?

Me?

This coming fall,
we're introducing a line

of ergonomically-designed,
Lycra-reinforced,

athletic supporters in
a rainbow of masculine colors.

There's a generous fee
that's involved,

but more importantly,
there's a lot of free publicity

for you and your Beagles.
Eagles.

Eagles, Beagles, Seagulls,
they're all wonderful, aren't they?

So what do you say?

I wouldn't have to
pose or anything, would 1?

Oh, no, no. No.
It's all very tasteful.

Just your face next to a
picture of the product,

and some catchy slogan,

like "I support
Universal Supporters.”

Yeah, that sounds
pretty tasteful to me.

Then I can call the home office and
tell them that we've got our man?

Well, yeah,
you can call them

and tell them
you've got my support.

Oh, that's a good one.
Hey, thanks.

Listen, why don't you drop by
our hospitality suite any time.

It's B3 on
the lower concourse.

Okay.
Thank you.

"Hayden Fox
for Universal jocks."

I like it.

Anybody sitting here?

No. Have a seat.

Oh, great, thanks.

Hi, men.

Hi, Coach.
Hey, Coach.

Enjoying the convention?
Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Nice to see
some new faces here.

Okay.
Thanks, Coach.

Was that George Allen?
Yeah.

Man, I can't believe some of the
guys I'm seeing at this conference.

Is this your first one?

Yeah. Yeah,
I'm pretty excited.

You know, I've been
17 years a head coach,

the first time I've ever had a
season good enough to get invited.

Larry Chulack.
Hi, Lar.

Bob Gunszenhauser.
(MUMBLING) Hello...

Boy, you guys look pretty young.
Are you both head coaches?

Yeah.
Oh, that's great.

How long have you
been head coaches?

I've been two years.
I've been four.

How many of these
have you been to?

I've been to two.
I've been to four.

That's great.
That's great.

Excuse me, Coach Fox.

Yeah.

I'm terribly sorry, but there's been
a mistake in your room assignment.

Oh? The suite that
was given to you

was supposed to be assigned to Hayden
Fry, the head coach at Iowa.

Well, you can see how a mistake could be
made, Hayden Fox, Hayden Fry.

Yeah, I see how
that can happen.

Well,
what suite am I in?

Well, that's another problem.
It seems your school never sent a deposit.

We were under the impression
you weren't coming.

Wasn't coming?

Come on, I've been waiting 17 years
to come to one of these things.

What do you mean
I wasn't coming?

Now, how come I don't have a
room just 'cause I didn't pay?

I'm terribly sorry,
we're completely booked up.

I'd be happy to call
another hotel for you.

No, I don't want to stay
at another hotel.

I want to stay in this hotel
with my distinguished peers.

Hey, Hayden,
guess what I just bought?

Luther, take that off.

What's the matter with you?

Our brilliant athletic director,
Howard "Brainless" Burleigh,

did not send
the stupid deposit money,

SO now
I don't have a room.

You can stay with me
if you want.

On the lower concourse?

What the heck? You're not here to sit in a
room, you're here to enjoy the conference.

Right. Well, that's true.

Yeah, is it okay
if I just stay with him?

It's fine.

Listen, we're all going up
to the Notre Dame suite.

Lou Holtz is having a little
party and everybody's invited.

You want to come? To Lou's place?
Are you kidding? Sure.

Wow. Hey, Luth, why don't you come with me?
I bet I can get you in.

No, you go ahead. I just found out
there's a bus leaving for Graceland.

If I hurry,
I can sit by the driver.

You go ahead and I'll just meet
you back here later, roomie.

All right. See you later.

Hey, guys, wait up.

Okay, here I am.
What's everybody laughing about?

That guy from
Universal Athletic Apparel.

Did he hit on you about endorsing
his rainbow-colored jock straps?

Why?

Could you imagine any of us putting our
names and faces on a product like that?

I mean, what's he think we
are, a bunch of turnip farmers?

You'd better catch the next one.
This one's kind of full.

Oh, okay.
What suite is Lou Holtz in?

Never mind,
I'll find it.

(ELEVATOR BELL RINGS)

Oh, great.

Excuse me, could you
hold that elevator, please?

Yeah.

(QUACKING)

Going up?
Yeah.

Good, so are we.

Oh, hi, Hayden.
I thought I heard somebody come in.

Hey, Luth.
Boy, did I have a great day.

Wait till you see the stuff I bought.
Look at this.

Blue suede
bathroom slippers.

I'm surprised that's
not an Elvis toothbrush.

It is
an Elvis toothbrush.

Oh, Luther, would you just
finish brushing your teeth

so you talk
like a normal human being?

I'm sorry,
I'll be right back.

(LUTHER GARGLING)

So, how was
Lou Holtz's party?

It was great, if you didn't
mind watching it from a doorway.

What do you mean?

I mean, there were 85 people there.
I couldn't get in.

I never even saw Lou Holtz.
I never even saw Lou Holtz's carpeting.

You don't sound like you're
having a very good time.

Gee, it just seems like everybody
here knows everybody else

and nobody knows me.

Did you send up
for a cot?

A what?

Another bed.
Where the hell am I going to sleep?

Jeez, Hayden, I don't know where
we're gonna put a cot in this room.

Are you telling me that you and I are
going to have to sleep in the same bed?

Hayden, you've known me for 20 years.
I'm not going to try anything.

Oh, jeez, I'd rather sleep in
the hall outside of Lou's place!

Don't blame me,
I'm just trying to be nice.

Well, try harder!

Well, I don't know what you're complaining about.
I'm the guy giving up half a room.

All right, well,
let's not go to bed mad.

I've just had a rotten day,
and I'm sorry.

Me, too.

It just seems like you're always taking it out on
me, 'cause I'm the closest to you.

Look, let's just both try and get some
sleep and maybe everything will look better

in the morning, okay?

That's the spirit. If you think good
thoughts, then good things will happen.

Yeah.

Jeez!
I can't believe this.

What's the matter now?

Well, I didn't pack
my PJ's.

I was gonna save this
for your birthday, but...

I'm not wearing those.

You are tonight.

(SINGING)
Since my baby left me

I found a new place to dwell

It's down at the end
of Lonely Street at

Heartbreak Hotel

I get so lonely, baby

I get so lonely, baby

I get so lonely
I could die

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I don't see how anybody could
fall asleep in this stuff.

Elvis did.

Look,
you're just feeling tired.

Why don't you come on to bed?

Don't do that.
Don't do it.

Okay, here's the deal.

No one ever hears about this.

We never say
anything about it.

I don't tell Christine,
and you don't tell Dauber.

It never happened!

Right.

(STRUMMING GUITAR)

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Please, God,
just don't let there be a fire.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

I'll get it.

What do you mean
you'll get it?

What,
are we expecting company?

Excuse me, is this the Universal
Athletic Apparel party?

Does this look
like a party to you, pal?

No, this looks like
a very private moment.

Excuse me.

Hayden, you wait and see,
today's going to be better.

Oh, jeez, I hope so.

I was looking forward
to this conference so much.

I know you were.
It'll be fine.

You just got off
to a rough start, that's all.

Holy cow, look over there.
What?

Sitting over there
at that table.

Isn't that Switzer
and George Allen?

And Hank Stram.

Three of the winningest
coaches in football history,

all sitting together
eating donuts.

Why don't you go over
and sit down and talk to them?

That ought to
cheer you up.

Oh, I don't know.

You wanted
to hobnob with the big boys.

Well, there they are.

It's true.

Go on, I gotta hurry.
I'll miss my bus to Graceland.

Go on now.

Come on, come on.
Go on, hobnob.

I'm at this party,
Howard Cosell walks in.

He looks around, he sees me,
but he pretends like he doesn't see me.

HANK: Just like he always does
when he sees me.

BARRY: That's Howard.
Yeah.

So then he walks over
to the other side of the room,

and now he starts yelling
about the Kansas...

Cup of coffee?

No, thank you,
we don't drink coffee.

Me, neither.
Oh.

Go ahead
with your story.

As I was saying,
so he goes to the other part of the room,

and he starts yelling
about the Kansas City Chiefs,

what a great team we were,
the Super Bowl Champions,

and suddenly he looks at me
and he's,

"Oh, hey, Coach Stram,
I didn't know you were here.

"There's the coach
of the Kansas City Chiefs."

That's the Howard I know.
HANK: But he's a put-on.

BARRY: He does that
every place he goes.

Howard Cosell
is noted for that.

Howie, Howie, Howie.
Ho, ho, ho.

How we doing?
Hayden Fox, Minnesota State.

Barry Switzer.
I know that.

HAYDEN: Hank Stram.
Hi, Coach. How are you?

And George Allen, sir.
George Allen.

Sit down.
Oh, thanks.

Oh, man, I can't tell you what
a thrill it is to meet you guys.

I mean... Well, I've just
admired you forever.

I mean, you know, this is what
I was looking forward to.

Was sitting at a table, you
know, talking with three guys

that I consider to be, well,
living legends.

You know,
and sharing stories,

and hearing
what you have to say

about the great game
of football!

Who wants to start?

Excuse me, Coaches,
how about a picture?

That would be great!
That's a great idea.

We've only got a minute.

Oh, that's fine, I'll just take
you right here at the table.

Here.

Here, now,
that's great.

Now, Mr. Switzer,
if you can move in a little to the left.

And Mr. Stram,
a little to your right there.

You get in there, too, Coach.

A little bit more to your left
Mr. Switzer.

A little bit more Mr. Stram.
A little bit more.

That's perfect.
Thank you.

Hardly wait to get
a copy of that one.

Hey, fats,
how are you doing?

Fine.

Listen, fellas,
we gotta get upstairs

if we're gonna do those
interviews with ABC Sports.

We gotta go.
Will you excuse us, Coach?

Oh, yes, sir.

Are you supposed to be
up there with us?

No, I was lucky and got
out of that this year.

Well, teach me that secret
next year, Coach.

Okay.

It sure was nice
talking to you guys.

Could you see that
Mr. Van Dam get's this?

Here's my room key.

Thank you, Mr. Fox,
and I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Yeah.

Hayden!

Hayden, what are you doing
with your suitcases?

Oh, well, I left you a note.
I just called Christine. I'm leaving, Luth.

I take it the day didn't
go any better, huh?

Oh, you know, I really don't belong here.
I mean, this conference is for, you know,

the top guys and I'm really not in that league.
I mean, nobody here knows who I am

or cares.

If it helps,
I know who you are and I care.

It doesn't, thanks.

Well, look,
if you're gonna leave, so am l.

I don't want you do that.
You're having a good time. Now, you stay.

I do have a ticket tonight for the Elvis
Impersonator Riverboat Cruise, but...

Well, I don't have to go.

Come on,
you're gonna enjoy that.

Hey, listen,
I gotta catch a plane.

I gotta go to Minnesota,
I'll see you later.

See you back home.

Hey, Coach Fox,
are you leaving now, too?

Yeah, yeah, I gotta go home.

Well, I wish I was going home.

Where you going? New York.
I got a speaking engagement.

You know,
I really envy you, Hayden.

Me? Why?

Well, you live
in a nice part of the country.

You got a great job
at a wonderful university.

You know,
a lot of guys at this conference,

they're so eager to
get to the top,

that they forgot why they got
into coaching to begin with.

You haven't forgotten.
You know who you are.

And you know what you are.

You know, if I'd a chance to change
places with anybody at this conference...

Right now, it would be you.

Mr. Stram,
your limousine's here, sir.

Oh, thank you very much.

Good luck, Coach.

Thanks.
And God bless you.

Well, thanks, Hank.

Somebody call a cab?

Yeah.

Well, let's go.