Coach (1989–1997): Season 1, Episode 2 - Pilot - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Come on, Fred.
Come on, Fred.

Come on.
Come on. Let's take a look.

(SCALE SQUEAKING)

Okay, Fred, how much did I say
you had to weigh

if you want
to play in this week's game?

290.
290.

Uh-huh.

How much you weigh last week?

295.

295.



Uh-huh.

How much do
you weigh now, Fred?

301.
301.

Did you misunderstand
the goal here, Fred?

Coach, I don't know what it is.
I swear, I didn't eat nothing all week.

Fred, you weigh 300 pounds.
Now, you ate something, or somebody.

It's metabolism.
Coach, I'm just never gonna be thin.

I think I'm retaining water.

Fred, I don't want you
to be thin, babe.

I want you to be quick
and agile like a panther,

but you can't be a panther if
you weigh as much as 3 Pontiac.

Come here, Fred.
Come on. Come here.

Now here's what I want you to do, kid.
I want you to go on down

and I want you to go to the weight room and
I want you to lose 11 pounds by Saturday.



I don't care how you do it.
You can steam it off, work it off, run it off,

or cut if off if you have to, for...
Fred,

I just want you to weigh 290 pounds by Friday.
Okay? Is that clear?

Otherwise, you're not gonna play
football for Minnesota State

as long as I am here.
You got it?

Yes, sir.
Get out.

Could I ask one question,
Coach?

Yeah. What is it?

How long are you planning
on being here?

You wanna brush those cinnamon
crumbs off your shirt, Fred?

We're never gonna get
Fred Webb down to weight.

I mean, the kid's
the Hindenburg, Hayden.

I think we're just gonna
have to cut him from the team.

I mean, I know his heart is
in the right place.

You can never find it,
but I'm sure...

Maybe we could give him some
of that "hipposuction”

everybody's been
talking about.

I mean, I can certainly
sympathize with him.

I've had a weight problem
my entire life.

But, of course, I always liked to eat fat and...
Heaven knows, I'm overweight,

but, I mean, this kid is overweight.
I never in my life...

Luther. Luther. Morning.

You think I'm just being
negative, don't you?

No, I mean, we need Fred to play on Saturday.
You're gonna have to ride him.

Yeah. If he gets any bigger,
I'll be able to.

You just don't know what it's
like living with this kid, Hayden.

Wait a minute.
You're rooming with Fred?

I had to. It's the only way
I could keep an eye on him.

I mean, I gotta lock him
in his room at night

to keep him from running
out to get something to eat.

I mean, I had to empty the refrigerator,
get all the stuff out of the cupboard.

I had to hide the cheese balls, the corn
chips, the beer nuts, the pretzels.

The broccoli?
The what?

All right.
Never mind. Never mind.

So, are you making
any progress so far?

(STAMMERING)
He's lost six pounds.

Well, there you go.
That's great.

Yeah, but he's got
five more to go,

and there's only three days
left before the game.

Well, where's Fred now?

He's sitting out in my car with the
windows rolled up and the heat on.

I better go out and get him.
It's time for his walk now anyway.

Hey, Luther, Luther, hey.
Cheer up.

You're gonna do great.
I got complete confidence in you.

Yeah, maybe you're right.
You know me a lot better than I do. I know that.

Oh, hi, Kelly. We were just
talking about...

Well, you don't really care,
do you?

Was I interrupting something?

Oh, no, not at all.

Well, I was just on my way
to dance class,

and I was wondering if we could
switch dinner from Thursday to Friday?

Sure, Friday night's fine.
Great.

What's going on Thursday?

Just a date.

A date?

Whoa.

Well, that didn't take long,
did it?

Dad. So where do you want
to go on Friday?

I don't care.

I wanna hear about this boy.

Well, he's not a "boy," and it's just a date.
It's no big deal.

Well, it's a big deal to me,
you know?

I wasn't around when you
were dating in high school.

This is my first date as a
dad, you know? Dad.

So what is he,
in one of your classes?

No.

Is he an upperclassman?

No, he's a professor.

A professor?

When you say "professor,”
you mean like a grad student.

No, I mean like
a full professor.

How old is he?

I don't know. I mean, Dad,
what difference does it make?

What difference does it make?
Well, I'll tell you what difference it makes. I mean,

how's he gonna treat you to an
expensive dinner if he's retired

and living on a fixed income?

He's not a geezer, Dad.

Well, how old is he?

I don't know.
I guess about your age.

Huh.

Oh, look, I better go.

No, wait a minute...
No, this is obviously starting to upset you.

No, I'm not upset.
I'm not upset.

Hey, I want you
to be open with me.

That's what fathers and
daughters are supposed to be.

I mean, I wanna feel like
you can say anything to me.

So, what's this clown's name?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Kelly, look, I'm just trying
to protect you.

I'm not even sure this is legal
in the state of Minnesota.

What? Dating a professor?

Yeah, well, I'm not sure there's
any specific state laws against it,

but I bet you the college has some
rules against this kind of thing.

Dad, I can't believe
how you're overreacting.

Am 1? Well, you know, I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm kind of new to this, you know?

For all I know,
this could be a pattern.

In high school, did you
date your principal?

Dad, look, I don't wanna
keep secrets from you,

but you don't have to protect me anymore.
I'm completely grown now.

Oh, honey, whoever
this professor is,

he has got a lot more
experience than you do.

Come on. He's been completely grown
for twice as long as you have.

I don't wanna
see you hurt, Kelly.

Dad, the only way that I'm gonna
get hurt is if you don't trust me.

Okay, all right. That's fair.

I'll try.

And promise me you're not
gonna obsess about this.

I promise.

I'll see you Friday night.

Well, have a good time tomorrow with...
Hey, what did you say his name was?

Ha! Nice try, Dad.

(EXCLAIMING)

Jeez. God.

Get away from there, Dauber.

God.

What the hell are you doing
out there?

I was just making sure you
were here before I knocked.

Well, don't do that, okay?
I hate it when you do that.

Did you get Kelly's
class schedule?

Oh, yeah.
Coach, it wasn't easy.

You know, they don't just give
you this stuff for nothing.

To get this I had to ask the girl in
the registration office out on a date.

Quick thinking, Daub.

Well, actually, it was her
idea. She's real sharp, Coach.

Well, I hope
you have a good time.

I don't think so.

She's real ugly, too.

Now all we gotta do is
crosscheck Kelly's schedule here

with the faculty directory,

and we can find out who this
jerk is she's going out with.

Okay, Kelly's taking
four classes.

Whoa, heavy load.

Biology, taught by a woman.

Dance, taught by a woman.

We're getting somewhere, Daub.

Introduction to French...

That's Professor LeBeau. I know she's a woman.
I've had her for five years.

Okay.

That gives us English.

Hello, bachelor number one.

Who is he, Coach?

All right. John Sterling,

PhD, Phi Beta Kappa,

Princeton University,

born 1948, unmarried,

author,

Romance Novels
of the 19th Century.

(BOTH SCOFFING)

So, he's 40, single
and published.

Just the kind of guy
I have no respect for.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Got a problem.

I promised Kelly I wasn't gonna do anything.
How can I not do anything?

I mean, I'm her father.

I'm supposed to protect her,
but she doesn't want me to protect her.

What am I gonna do? Do I do
what she thinks is right

or do I do what
I think is right?

Jeez! Dauber!

I gotta go
clear my head on this thing.

I'm gonna go for a walk
around the lake, all right?

Hey, Coach?
Yeah?

Are you gonna eat that?

No, go ahead.

Is it okay if I watch TV?

Yeah.

Can I sit in your chair?

Thanks a lot for the extra
help, Dr. Sterling.

That's what we're here for.

See you.

(EXCLAIMING)

Coach Fox!

What?

I don't know. I just didn't
expect to see you in the doorway.

So we gonna
win on Saturday?

You on the team?
No.

Then you're not gonna
do anything on Saturday.

Hi, John Sterling?
Yeah.

Hayden Fox.
Yeah, I know.

Got a minute?

Sure.

Good.

I was just taking a little walk around the
campus, saw your lights were on,

thought I'd stop on by
and say hi.

Hi.

Yeah, hi.

I don't often get a chance to
meet the rest of the faculty,

and I like to do that
whenever I can.

Well, that's...

Good. I guess.

So,

anything new in English?

Not really.

Coach Fox,
is there something on your mind?

My daughter
is in one of your classes.

Oh, really. Which one?

Freshman English.

Oh. That's my lecture class,
250 students.

I'm afraid I don't know her.

Well, according to her,
I think you do, John.

Tell me, how often
do you date your students?

I beg your pardon?

You have a date tomorrow
night, don't you?

Oh, boy. That's your daughter?

So you do remember her.

Coach Fox, I swear
I had no idea.

Oh, gee, that makes me feel
so much better.

No. What I mean is,
I'm sure you're upset.

Upset?
Okay, incensed,

indignant, wrathful.

Oh, you English guys.

But you gotta believe me,

it's just a misunderstanding.

I swear, if I had known she was your
daughter, I never would have asked her out.

In fact, that's
not actually what happened.

What happened was, she asked for
some extra help with her studies,

and I suggested
we do it over dinner,

which now, looking back on it,

would be construed
by most people as a date.

Right.

Right, which definitely was an
error in judgment on my part.

I realize that.
I slipped.

Hey, I'm human.
I'm a guy, you're a...

"A guy."

But, more importantly,
as a fellow faculty member, I respect you.

Oh, gee.
Now, I'm glad you feel that way.

Suppose I call your daughter
and tell her that from now on

an assistant will be helping
her with her studies,

a female assistant.

Gee, you know,
I like that idea.

I am so glad.

One more thing, John.

This is all your idea.

I had nothing to do with it.
I don't want you to tell her I was even here.

Whatever you say.

You know, she trusts me.

We got that kind of
relationship.

Right.

Hey, John.

You a father by any chance?

Oh, boy, let me tell you,
it's not easy.

We did it, Hayden. We did it!
We set a goal and we achieved it.

Fred Webb is down to weight.

You know, I really gotta
hand it to you, too.

I mean, sometimes I know
I'm not very optimistic,

but you said, "Luther,
have faith and don't give up."

And that's exactly what I did.
This is the one...

How come you're
not happy about all this?

What? No, I am. I am

I really am.
I got a problem with Kelly.

Weight problem?

No, no. A personal problem.

All right.

(STAMMERING) Is it
anything that you wanna...

Talk about?
Yeah.

No. No.

Okay, 'cause I just want you to know,
I mean, if you wanna talk, I'm here.

(SIGHING)

Well,

last night Kelly had this date, you
know, with a 40-year-old professor.

I had to put a stop to it.

You smack him?

No, I didn't smack him.
I talked to him.

You talked to him?
Yeah.

Okay, I'll buy that. You're talking to
me, why wouldn't you talk to him?

Well, I mean, I'm not saying I didn't
intimidate him a little bit, you know?

But I didn't get
physical with the guy.

I mean, I just let him know
how angry I was.

He did have a statue
of some president on his desk.

Thought I was gonna
break it. I didn't.

But I'll tell you
something else,

I let him know,
"Stay away from my daughter.”

I mean, now what the hell,
that's okay, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't see anything
wrong with that.

Well, I mean, that's being
a good father, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, if you didn't hit him
or break his statue or anything,

I think that's good.

Yeah, well, I mean,
if that's being a good father,

how come I don't
feel good, then?

I mean, I'm telling you, Luther,
I am never gonna do this ever again. Never.

Starting tonight, man,
lam gonna let her live her own life.

I'm not gonna
interfere with it.

Boy, I tell you, this being a parent
stuff, it's just a mess.

You're in the dark all the time.
You never know where you're going.

I mean, what the heck,
why... She's a girl.

What do I know
about having a girl?

I'm 44 years old, man.
It's like starting my whole life all over again.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, Kelly.

Great. Come on in.

Sorry I'm late.

No. No problem. Yeah.
Gee, I'm just glad you're here.

Wow.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

Yeah.

(STAMMERING) Wow, you...
Well, you look fine.

Well, I am.
Nice.

How are you?

Me? Oh, I'm fine.
Yeah, me, too.

Can I get your coat?
Thank you.

All right.
So how were classes today?

Fine.
Yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

Did you go to dance class?

Yeah.

Learn any new steps?

Well, it's not that kind of dance, Dad.
It's interpretive.

It's like you use
your whole body to express

ideas and emotions and whole themes
through a series of movements.

You want a root beer?

No, thanks.

Can I help you
with dinner?

Oh, you sure can. Yeah.
Just finish tossing the old salad, there,

and I'm gonna take care
of the main course.

Right.

Okay. What do like?
You like turkey with all the trimmings?

Or if not, I can whip us up
some Salisbury steaks.

Turkey's fine.

Turkey? You got it.

Okay, dinner's gonna be
ready in 9 to 11 minutes.

Got a little time.
Anything special you wanna talk about?

Dad, I have this feeling you're
dying to know about my date.

Hey, honey, if you want to talk about
it, go ahead, you know...

Well, there's nothing
to talk about.

Good.

It went fine.

What?

We had a nice time.
It went fine.

The date?
Yeah.

Date with a professor?

Right.

You guys
went out after all, huh?

Dad, I told you
we were going out.

Yeah. Yeah. That's right.
You did. You did.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Nothing's the matter.

You had your date with the professor.
It went great.

I couldn't be happier for you.

Here, butter this and stick
it in the oven, will you?

Dad, you're
obviously upset.

Honey, I'm bursting
with pride. Come on.

Oh, wow, jeez, look at that.

Jeez, I left the boat untied.
What a bonehead, huh?

Finish taking care of dinner, would you, sweetie?
Toss some more salad.

I gotta go tie the boat up.
I'll be right back.

Coach Fox,
what a nice surprise.

Let's talk.

Problem?

Yeah. Am I fuzzy here or didn't
you and I have an agreement

that you were not gonna
go out with my daughter?

You're not fuzzy at all.

Well, one of us is fuzzy,
because she tells me the two of you went out.

She's lying.
Lying?

I didn't mean "lying."
I meant "fuzzy."

I canceled the date
last night.

Well, then why did she
tell me you went out?

I don't know,
but I swear I broke the date.

What do you think, I'm crazy?

Now, I don't
want any trouble here.

I did what you asked me to do
and now I'm asking you to leave.

Please.

Otherwise,
I'll have to call

out the window
as loud as I can.

Dad! Kelly,
what are you doing here?

I followed you.

This is your daughter?

Yeah. I've never been out with
you, have 1?

No
See?

Then why did you tell me
you went out with him?

I never said I went out
with Professor Sterling.

But all your other professors
are women.

Well, I never said I went out
with one of my professors.

I just said I went out
with a professor.

You know, I'm good
at fixing these things.

I bet you I just could
push this little thing...

It's okay.

No. I'm really
embarrassed by this.

Not half as embarrassed as...

lam so sorry, Dr. Sterling.

God! Dad, how could
you do this?

I don't know.

I was just being a father.
I mean, I did what I thought a father would do.

I got your class schedule and I looked
up and saw who your professors were.

I naturally assumed it was
Professor Sterling, here.

So I tracked him down like an
animal and I threatened him.

I was just showing my love.

Kelly, you know,

I'm really no good at this father
stuff, you know?

I mean, I think about your mom
and how she would have handled it,

and how she's worried
because she knows you're here,

and how she's partly worried
because she knows I'm here,

and she knows I don't know
anything about this stuff, see?

Uh,

I mean, after all, it's been 16 years
since I've been a full-time father.

Look, I know that.

Well, you know,
fathers make mistakes.

You know, only they get to spread
them out over a whole lifetime.

I mean, I'm playing
catch-up ball here, kid.

Yeah, well, you would seem to be
having a lot of luck with that.

(CLEARING THROAT) You two are
obviously gonna talk for a while,

so I'm just gonna
step out into the hall.

Yeah, why don't you go ahead, John?
That's fine.

Kelly,

I am really sorry that I
embarrassed you.

Well, Dad,
I'll get over being embarrassed.

What I can't get over is the
fact that you didn't trust me.

Well, you didn't trust me, either.
You wouldn't tell me who the professor was.

Well, I didn't tell you 'cause
I knew what would happen.

What?
This!

Oh. Right.
Well, we've gotta fix this.

Yeah, I know that.

Well, then let's fix it.

How?

Well, first of all,

we could admit that we really
don't know each other that well.

And it's kind of hard to trust
someone that you don't know.

That's true.

You know, Dad, I can tell that you
still think of me as a little girl,

but I'm not.
I'm 18 years old.

Yeah, I know, Kelly,
and that must seem grown-up to you, huh?

But, you know, I was 18 once, too.
I know how it felt.

It's only now that I've put some years
behind me and I got some wisdom, you know,

putting tonight aside,

that I realize I didn't
know everything back then.

You know, I got a lot more to offer
as a father than I think you know.

'Cause if I'm gonna trust you,
you're gonna have to give me that.

Fair enough.

So, how do we
kick this thing off?

How about if I tell you the name
of the professor I went out with?

Perfect.

It was Professor Cameron.

Fine. Fine. I mean,
I can handle that. Come on.

Why don't you just go back to the cabin,
and I'll meet you there, sweetheart?

What do you say?
Dad, Dad...

Hey, come on. I was joking.
It was just a little joke.

I was joking, too.
His name's not Professor Cameron.

Boy, we got a long way to
go, don't we?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you like cold turkey?

Yeah.

Let's go have some.

Hey, John,
your office is ready.