Coach (1989–1997): Season 1, Episode 13 - Dauber's Blow-Out - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Party Central.
Dauber speaking.

Hey, thanks
for getting back to me.

Yeah, I'm having my annual
blowout party on Friday night

and I'm just
double-checking on the food.

I need 100 bags
of potato chips,

100 bags of corn chips,

100 bags of pork rinds,

and we should have
some kind of cheese

for the people who don't want
to eat all that junk food.



Yeah, four or five cans
should be good.

Super! See you Friday night.

Dauber, how many times have I told
you not to use my desk to study?

I'm not studying, Coach.
This is Party Central.

Whoa, sorry, Daub.

That's okay.

Got another big one
set for this year?

Biggest one ever.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Coach here.

What?

Ah, no, no, no.
You must want Party Central.

Some guy
about portable toilets, Daub.

(MOUTHING INAUDIBLY)



Hi. Yeah, I'm having a little
get-together at my house this weekend

and I've only got
one bathroom.

I was wondering, how many portable
toilets would I need for 500 people?

Wait, let me
write that down.

The Porta Potty party pack?

That sounds great.

Hey, Luther!
You wanted to see me?

I sure did. We've got
three more days of paper work

and we are
officially on vacation.

And guess what lake we're
going fishing on this year?

Lake nowhere.

What do you mean?
I mean, we're not going fishing.

How come?
We go fishing every year.

No, we don't
go fishing every year.

We plan to go every year,
we don't go 'cause you always cancel.

I don't always cancel.

You cancelled every year for
the last six years, Hayden.

We only went fishing once,
and that was at your cabin.

We caught a fish, ate him,
and I went home and slept in my apartment.

All right, all right.
I admit I cancelled a few years in the past.

But this year
we are going fishing!

You say we're going,
but we're not going.

Luther, this is Hayden talking.
lam your best friend.

Now, you gotta
trust me here.

We are going to leave my place Friday
night, we're going up the Lake Bemidji...

We're going fishing, Luth.

We're going to catch some beautiful
pike, it is gorgeous up there.

Now, come on. What do you say?
Doesn't that sound good?

Yeah, it sounds great.

I just hate to get my hopes all
built up when I know we're not going.

Coach, Riley Pringle's here
to see you.

Riley Pringle? I don't want to
see the weenie band director.

Well, it's too late.
I'm already here.

How did he hear that?

I'll be right in, Riley.

RILEY: There's
no need to shout.

Okay, Luther. Just pack all your stuff up.
Get everything ready. Okay?

I swear to you.
May lightning strike me dead.

We're going fishing
Friday night.

As long as you
put it that way.

I guess we'll see.

Smiley Riley.

Just reading some of
your propaganda, Hayden.

Nice shot of me, isn't it?

Well, anyway, football season is over,
so the band is out of work, so to speak.

Shouldn't you be out there
boiling mouthpieces or something?

It might interest you to know

that just because
your season is over,

it doesn't mean
that ours is.

The band goes
on tour next week.

Oh really?
Where you going?

Well, we start off with Potato
Days in Pocatello, Idaho.

And, then it's the Sweet Roll
festival in Bismarck, North Dakota.

Um, then...
Riley...

I was kidding. I don't
care where you're going.

Very well.

Could I have a word with you
in private for a minute?

I'm outta here, Coach.

Oh, listen. I ordered some
guacamole dip for my party.

If they call,
tell them my bathtub holds 30 gallons.

You got it.

That party is the
very reason I'm here.

As you undoubtedly know,
I am chairman of the Conduct Committee.

What the hell is
a Conduct Committee?

It is a committee of
faculty members

concerned with ensuring that the
student body maintain proper conduct

on and off campus.

Sounds like a geek club to me.

It has real authority,
Hayden.

Riley, why do I have to
listen to all this?

Because this party
is for your team.

It's hosted by
your assistant coach.

And that makes it
your responsibility.

Don't make light of this,
Hayden.

Every year, it's gotten bigger
and more out of control.

Last year things got
so out of hand

that several young women

were apparently cajoled into
removing their tops

and skateboarding through Fellowship
Hall singing We Are the World.

Now, that's something that the Conduct
Committee cannot close their eyes to.

Well, I can see why.

That is just
the kind of cavalier attitude

that forces me to step in and take
responsibility when you won't!

There'll be
no party this year.

Riley, what are you
talking about?

You have no right
to stop the party.

Well, just watch us.

Oh, come on, Riley.
Wait a minute.

The kids weren't
committing any crime.

For Pete's sake, they're just
trying to have some fun.

Well, that's not
my idea of fun.

Well, who says it has to be
your idea of fun, anyway?

I mean, my gosh, those kids
work so hard all year.

They're just trying
to blow off steam.

I don't see why they can't blow off
steam in a quiet and orderly fashion.

Jeez, Riley.
I mean, come on!

Don't you ever get tired
of being such a prune?

I'm not going to let you
stop this party.

It's become a campus tradition.
Now, everyone goes.

Not everyone.

Well, everyone's invited.

Not everyone.

Everyone but the band.

You want the band
invited this year?

Certainly not.

Wait a minute.
Gee, Riley. But the band...

The band, the band... Come on.

The band could be that wholesome
ingredient that we've been missing

all these years.

Well, now,
I hadn't thought of that.

I mean, I think the band being invited
could be the key to this whole problem.

I won't deny that there have
been hard feelings in the past.

Well, I think...

Got kind of an icebreaker here between
the band and all the normal kids.

Well,

it would mean a lot to them.

Many of the kids
have never been to a party.

Riles, there you go, babe!

Let me just check with Dauber to
make sure it's okay, all right?

Dauber!

I'm sure that anything you say
will be all right with him.

He's practically your dog.
He is not.

Brought you your paper, Coach.
Thank you, Daub.

Now look, Daub...

What do you think?
Could the band come to your party this year?

The band?

Well, sure, Coach.
Anything you say.

We got a deal?

On one condition. That you
take full responsibility.

Fine.

And that means
I want you on the premises

from the time the decorations go up until
the time the Clean-up Committee is through.

Right.
I want your word.

May lightning strike me dead if I'm
not at that party Friday night, Rile.

So, you're coming
to the party, huh, Coach?

Heck no!
I'm going fishing with Luther.

But, you promised
Riley Pringle you'd be there.

Yeah, I know, Daub, you've gotta keep a
promise because those things are sacred.

Tell you what.

Why don't you just tack me up on the wall
somewhere where I can see everything?

Now, look, Kelly, you're going to
have to feed him every evening, okay?

That means, he gets
a half a cup of dry food,

he gets his little chewy bone,
and I want you to mix a raw egg in there.

Okay. And he needs plenty
of fresh water so he...

Kelly! Plenty of fresh water,

and you need to take him for
a walk at least twice a day.

Dad, you're talking to me like I've
never taken care of a dog before.

Well, you've never taken care
of this dog.

Well, I know how
to be responsible.

Kelly, this is your dog.

He was only supposed to stay a few days.
It's been a couple of months.

You won't have to worry about anything, Dad.
I'm on top of it.

Just relax, have a good time,

and I'm not going to forget anything.
All right? All right.

Kelly.
Yeah?

You want the house keys?

Yeah.

Hey, Dad?
Huh?

How come Luther's
sitting out front?

Luther's out front?

Tell him to get in here.

Luther, what were you doing out there?
I'm just about ready to go.

Ready for what?

Go fishing.

How come you're not wearing
your fishing stuff?

I'm not going to get all dressed
for fishing and then not go.

Luther, I told you we're going fishing.
Now come on.

All I've got to do is put my stuff in my
car, and we are out of here.

Really? Yeah.
you got your fishing stuff?

Yeah, it's in my car.

Well, then put it in my car,
and let's go.

You're serious? I mean,
we're really going fishing?

We're leaving right now.
I'm just going to get my boots.

I can't believe we're finally
going to go fishing.

We're going fishing.
You said we're going, and we're going.

I said we're going.
Okay, I'll get...

There's going to be some mighty
unhappy pike in the morning.

Unhappy pike!

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

That's it, we're not going.

Luther, go put your stuff
in my car.

Hello.

How did you get
my number, Riley? God!

You don't have to
check up on me.

Look, I gave you my word I was going to the
party, I'm gonna be at the party.

In fact, I was just
headed there now.

Riley, there is no need to walk to
the party if I'm going to be there.

Jeez, all right.
Well, if you're on your way, I'll be there, too.

Okay, I'll see you
in 20 minutes.

God! What a prune!

I'm all set.

Yeah, I've got to go to Dauber's party.
I'll be right back.

No problem.
I knew we weren't going.

Dauber, listen, man.
I don't know if this is normal or not,

but there's smoke pouring out
of your bedroom window, man.

Great, the burgers
are ready.

Everybody, food in my room!

Yeah!

(ALL WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Hey, Dauber.
Coach, what are you doing here?

I gotta tell you,
you know,

that hen, Riley Pringle's
on his way over here

to make sure no one's
having a good time.

He's on his way here?
Yeah, don't worry about it.

Hey, everybody. Could I have
your attention for just a second?

No, Coach, there's something you should know.
Yeah, just a second.

Now, everybody, listen up.
Is everybody having a good time?

Yeah!

Stop it!

Mr. Riley "Good Time" Pringle
is on the Conduct Committee.

He's coming over here
to check up on your party.

And he'd like nothing better than to
find a reason to shut this baby down.

So let's not
give it to him, huh?

All right? So for
the next 20 minutes,

I want you guys to put out your
cigarettes, turn up the lights,

you know, just kinda
tidy up a little bit.

That way,
when old Riley gets here

and he sees no one's
having any fun,

he'll just go on home,
he'll be happy as a clam,

you guys go back to partying,
and I can go fishing.

So what do you say?
Let's start cleaning up these cans.

What the hell is a car
doing in here?

That's what I was trying
to tell you, Coach.

Oh, hey, Coach,
what are you doing here?

I got a better question.
What the hell is this doing here?

It's kind of
a party tradition, Coach.

Every year, Fred
takes apart a car

and he puts it back together
in my living room.

Why do you do that, Fred?

Well, if I don't keep busy,
I snack all night.

Well, Riley's gonna
love this.

You know what? He's just gonna have
to lighten up a little, you know?

He'll have to
lighten up a lot.

It's his car, Coach.

You stole
Riley Pringle's car?

Yeah. Swiped it right out
of his garage.

Oh, God!
Are you guys crazy?

Riley Pringle's the last guy
you want to steal a car from!

He's coming here any minute.
I mean... Oh, God!

There's gonna be hell
to pay.

Well, what's Riley Pringle
doing coming to the party?

He's coming to make sure nothing's
wrong, Fred. Yikes!

Fred, how long will it take
you to tear this thing down

and put it back
together again?

Well, if everybody helps,
a couple of hours.

Well, then start tearing.

Hey, you guys,
Riley Pringle's coming down the street!

Hide the car!

"Hide the car"?

What are you, a bonehead?
Just start tearing it apart.

I'll take care of
Riley Pringle.

"Hide the car"?

Oh, Fred.

Riley.

Gee, what took you so long?

Did you get a rock
in your shoe?

Don't glad-hand me, Hayden.

So this is what
you call supervision?

The music is blaring
down the street,

kids are dancing
on the roof,

someone is throwing
something green

out of the bathroom window.

I nearly got some
on my windbreaker.

Well, gee.
Welcome to the party, Rile.

Well, this is just
what I expected.

You have no control
over this party at all!

You know, Riley,

if you hang out here by yourself,
you're gonna be a nervous wreck.

So why don't you go on home,
take it easy...

No, no, no. Not until
I've seen everything.

All right, all right.
You want to see everything? Fine.

I'll tell you what. I'll take you
on a personal tour of the house.

We'll start at the top,
we'll work ourselves down to the bottom. Come on.

And you'll see it's just
a normal college party,

nothing out of the ordinary
going on.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

I knew it.
He's not coming back.

He does this to me every time.

He'll do it to you, too.

You just watch and see.

This is great.

First night of vacation,
I'm sitting in a cabin

talking to a dog.

Did you have dinner?

Did you have dinner?

How would you tell me
if you had?

I bet you didn't have dinner.

I bet he told you
he'd give you your dinner

and he didn't give it to you.

Is that what happened, huh?

Come on, let's get
something to eat.

Then I'm gonna go on home.

Didn't want to
go fishing anyway.

Just wanted to
have some laughs.

Probably wouldn't have caught
anything, except a cold.

Hey, look here!

Look here!

Piece of apple pie.

I bet Christine made that.

I bet Christine made that
for some special occasion.

Last piece of apple pie.

Maybe we shouldn't eat
the last piece of apple pie.

Think we should eat the last
piece of apple pie, huh?

Hell, yes.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

RILEY: Well, that does it.

You did that on purpose.

HAYDEN: Did what?

You pushed me.

Oh, I did not.

Come on. Some one pushed me,
and I accidentally shoved you,

and the next thing I knew,
everything went haywire.

There's more than
100 people up there.

And yet only one of us
fell into the tub.

I---

If these trousers are ruined,
you're buying me another pair.

Well, I'd be glad to.
Just get me the catalog, Riley.

In the meantime, you'd better
get out of those wet things, huh?

I intend to.

And then I'm getting in my
car and driving directly over

to the University
President's house.

But, you know,
on second thought, Rile,

I think that is a bad idea.

Because, I mean,
you're all covered in guacamole.

You wouldn't want to
go outside looking like that.

What if somebody
should see you?

And it's a chilly night out there.
I mean, you could catch a cold

and then you've
got the sniffles, huh?

Why don't I just fix you up?

Well, all right.

Dauber!

Mr. Pringle's had an accident.

What did you do?

I was shoved into
the guacamole.

Al right!

Hey, Daub, you got any clothes
that might work for him?

Sure thing, Coach.

Listen, Riley,
why don't you just follow Daub there,

and he'll fix you
right on up, okay?

I know what you're
trying to do, Hayden.

You're trying to make
a fool out of me.

Well, it won't work.

Did you get him fixed up,
Daub?

All set, Coach.

I'm gonna get back to work
on the you-know-what.

(CHUCKLING)

Don't say anything.

Just get out of my way.

I'm going to see
the President.

Hold it. Come on.

Let me tag along.

I want to see his face
when he takes a look at you.

Not like this!

I'm going home first.

You know, as a friend, Riley,
I recommend that no one see you like this, huh?

Some friend you are.

You think this is all just
hysterical, don't you, Hayden?

Yeah, I do, Riley.
I really do.

Well, I don't.

You got to admit,
it's pretty funny.

Not to me, it isn't.

Well, you don't think
anything's funny, Riley.

That's not true.
Well, it is true.

Gosh. You don't think
the party was funny,

you don't think the way
you're dressed is funny,

you don't think
anything's funny at all.

There's a big difference,
Hayden,

between being included
in the fun

and being made fun of.

And believe me I know,

because I've never been
included in fun in my life.

What do you mean?

Never mind.

No, Riley,
what're you talking about?

You said you've never been
included in fun.

All my life I have been
on the outside looking in.

It's like everyone
who was having fun

was in some exclusive club,

and I was never
asked to join.

And I've never understood why.

Well, that's because
you don't present yourself

as the kind of guy
who wants to have fun, Riles.

But I am a fun guy.

I want to have fun.

It's just I never know
where the fun is.

Well, the fun is everywhere.

You just have to be able to see it.
Only, you can't.

But I can.

See, that's the attitude I've
been fighting all my life.

That's your perception.

That's not the way
it really is.

I'm a fun guy,

with a wonderful
sense of humor

and I could laugh my head off if
ll was just given half a chance.

(CLANKING)

What was that?

Well, see?
There you go again, Riley.

Getting uptight
over nothing.

Something is going on
in there, Hayden.

I want to know what it is.

Okay. Fine, Riley.

Now, I can show you
what's in there, all right?

And you can find out
what's going on.

But I want you
to realize something.

This is 2 moment of truth
for you, Riley Pringle.

'Cause there's two ways to look at what's
going on behind that green curtain.

There's the fun club way,

and then there's
the geek club way.

Now you can be an exclusive
member of either club.

It's up to you.
It's your choice, Riley.

Now, what's it gonna be?

Be a fun guy,

or a geeky guy?

I want to be fun.

And I think
you can be, Riley.

Okay. You ready?

Here we go.

Feast your eyes on fun.

We're not quite
finished yet, Coach.

HAYDEN: It's okay, Daub.
He's with me.

What's going on here?

Well, I got to tell you,

we've been keeping a little
secret from you, Riley.

Now, this is the kind of thing the
Conduct Committee would frown on.

They wouldn't approve of this.

But fun guys eat it up.

And I hope you're hungry,
Riley.

What's going on?

HAYDEN: Well, okay.

See, every year,
Fred takes a car apart

and then puts it back
together again

right here
in Dauber's living room.

Why?

For fun!

But does the owner of the car
know that this is going on?

No, no,
it's all part of it.

So, we're in on something?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I like this.

I was hoping
you would, man.

(STAMMERING)
What happens next?

Well, at the end
of the evening

when the car
is reassembled outside,

we give the owner back his keys and we
go, "Surprise!"

ALL: Surprise!

Oh! [ like that.

So, when do we
give him the keys?

Well, it's gonna take
couple of hours

'cause it takes a little while to
put the car back together again.

Oh, darn!

I won't be able to see that.
I have to go.

ALL: Aw!
Oh.

Well, I tell you what,

Fred, Daub, what do you say
we break tradition this year

and give the owner back his keys before
the car has been reassembled, huh?

Yes, yes, yes.

Are you really sure you
want to do that, Coach?

Well, I don't think it's
so much what I want, Fred.

I think it's what Riley wants.

Okey-dokey.
Okay.

Riley.
Yeah?

Surprise!

I get to give him the keys?

No, those are your keys,
Riley!

Huh?

Riley Pringle,
this is your car!

ALL: Surprise!

(PEOPLE WHISTLING)

You really think
it's that funny, Riley?

Yes.

It isn't my car.

It's Mrs. Pringle's.

Boy, Misha,
you're quite a watchdog.

Hey, Luther?

Luther.
Huh?

Let's go fishing.

Really?