Coach (1989–1997): Season 1, Episode 12 - Hoot, Hoot Hike - full transcript
Kelly's dance teacher takes a shine to Hayden.
FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.
Yeah.
Did you believe
those guys out there today?
Well, I have to admit,
they looked pretty good, Hayden.
Oh, man. That was one of the best
practices this team has ever had!
Danny threw great.
Hey, Danny was a shotgun.
You know, those guards were
blowing people off the line.
And they hit that little freshman
in defensive back so hard,
he literally
sailed out of there.
You're not kidding. We've had days
we didn't kick field goals that far.
I don't know when I've been
prouder of a team in my whole life.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Coach.
Yeah, Danny, what is it?
Well, a bunch of us
were just talking.
We thought we played
pretty good out there today.
It's kind of hard to tell
what you thought.
So we were just wondering,
did we play pretty good or what?
Hey, when I think you played
good, I'll tell you.
Right. You're right.
Man, do I love days like this.
I'll tell you something,
if we play Saturday like we practiced today,
those Badgers
are in for big trouble.
Of course, we don't know how
well the Badgers practiced.
Yeah, that's true.
Still haven't gotten that call from
the Optimists' Club, huh, Luth?
Well, I'm going to hit
the showers.
Okay, Daub. Hey, Daub.
Remember, now, I want you
to wear your game face
'cause I don't want
the guys to know
how happy we were
about practice.
Right.
How's this?
Perfect.
Okay, I'll see you guys later.
You know, there are days when
I actually enjoy this job.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You got a Tums?
Yeah.
Dad?
Yeah.
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything,
but I was so excited I couldn't
wait to come talk to you.
I just had
my first dance class
with Madame Roola and she is
absolutely brilliant.
Who?
Madame Roola.
Oh, come on. I told you all about her.
Don't you remember?
She's that famous
choreographer from Europe
who's only here for a semester,
and I had to audition
to get into her class.
Don't you remember
any of that?
Oh, yeah. I remember. Yeah.
Famous dance teacher from Europe.
Really tough to get into her class.
Yeah, I remember that.
Dad,
she's an absolute genius.
Smart, too.
Yeah, I remember that.
I mean, just to be in her
presence and to watch her move,
I feel like I'm
in the presence of greatness.
Oh, I'm all fluttery inside.
(HAYDEN CHUCKLES)
You want Tums?
Well, I'm glad
you're so excited, Kelly.
Oh, I haven't even told you
the best part.
See, I was telling her all about
you, and she got all excited
and she wants to meet you.
Why?
Well, because she's
interested in movement.
And football epitomizes the
power and the primitiveness
of the male vessel.
Well, those are her words.
Well, I hope so.
Please say you'll do it.
Yeah, sure. I mean, sometime when we've
got the time I'll be happy to meet her.
She's outside now.
What? Kelly, come on,
I just finished practice.
I haven't even
taken a shower yet.
Oh, Dad, she's a dancer.
She's used to sweat.
Come on, it'll only
take two minutes.
Please?
Maybe I should leave.
No, no, no, Luther.
Don't go, come on.
If I gotta meet her,
you gotta meet her, too. Okay.
Wheel her in, Kelly.
Okay. Thanks!
Madame...
Well, she was
just right here.
(MEN SCREAMING)
MAN: You can't come in here.
Madame Roola!
Oh, good, you know her.
She just wandered
into the shower, Coach.
She said
she was looking for you.
Who? Me?
She just walked right in.
I gotta tell you, Coach,
I lost my game face.
That's all right, Daub.
You go back and take your shower.
Right.
(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Nice seeing you!
That's quite a team
you've got there.
Ah, Dad, I'd like you
to meet Madame Roola.
This is my father,
Hayden Fox.
Hi, how you doing?
It's a pleasure to meet you,
Coach Fox.
And this is his assistant
coach, Luther Van Dam.
How do you do?
Van Dam.
Van Dam.
I knew a Dutch dancer
named Van Dam.
Are you from Holland?
No, I live right here
in Minnesota.
And what are we laughing at?
I don't know.
Well, I told Dad that you
were a big football fan.
Oh, yes.
Ever since I came to America,
the idea of creating a ballet
inspired by football
has been careening
through my entire body.
And I have enjoyed it.
But,
now it's time
for the careening to stop
and the creating to begin.
Oh, isn't that exciting?
I don't know.
What's she talking about?
I want to premiere
my football ballet
right here at the university.
But in order to create my
dance, I need to feel the game.
I need to lie in its bosom
and have it surround me.
She wants to know if she can
come to one of the practices.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Well, you know, honey,
practices are usually closed
to the public, Kelly.
You won't even know
I'm here.
She just wants to watch.
(CLEARING THROAT)
I don't know,
what do you think, Luther?
Fine with me. Yes.
I promise
you won't even see me.
I'll be just like
a fly on the wall.
No, not a fly,
because they are more
commonly associated with poop.
No, I will be
a graceful butterfly.
Gentle, delicate, quiet.
Yes, a butterfly.
But I will not flit.
1 will just sit.
So, Dad? You think it'll...
Yeah, that's fine.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm so excited.
You have made a generous
contribution to art, Coach Fox.
MADAME ROOLA:
We'll see you tomorrow.
She's gonna come
to practice.
Yeah, we won't even
see her, though,
'cause she's gonna be
a butterfly.
Good, then I'll bring a net.
You wanted to talk to me, Coach?
Yeah.
Now, what in the hell do you
think you were doing out there?
I got in the way, didn't I?
I apologize.
I was just trying to observe.
From inside the huddle?
Come on, you said you
were gonna be a butterfly!
Like a butterfly,
I was drawn to the nectar of the game.
Shut up with that stuff.
You're angry.
I admire that.
Oh, yeah?
Then you're gonna love this.
Get the hell out of here!
(EXCLAIMING)
Dad, what's going on?
Nothing. I'm just talking
to your Madame Butterfly here.
Well, look, I know she got a
little carried away, but you...
But nothing, Kelly,
but nothing.
Now, look, I know
this is important to you
and I tried to cooperate,
but she was way out of line out there.
She was running all over the field.
Dad.
No! That's okay.
I have seen enough.
I now have in my mind the
quintessential football ballet.
I only hope
that the beauty
of the dance that I create
will outweigh that
little screw-up on the field.
Not likely. So, why don't you dance
your little way out of here, all right?
Of course.
I know you're a busy man.
I'll see you at rehearsal.
No, you won't.
But I must.
You are the technical adviser.
No, I'm not.
Okay, you are not
the technical adviser.
But you are
the father of my star.
What?
You are going to be the
centerpiece of the entire movement.
Madame Roola,
the centerpiece of an entire movement?
God, do you think
I'm ready for that?
Who knows when one is ready
to become a star?
But it's only by reaching
that we can hope to attain
the unattainable whatever.
Wow.
Now we must go. We have a lot of
work to do and very little time.
I'll see you at rehearsal.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, Madame Roola,
that's the door to the shower.
Oh, my goodness.
They would never believe
it was a mistake twice.
This is it, Coach.
You think so, Daub?
I know so.
I had borrowed some tape once.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Kelly.
Thanks for coming.
I know this might have been kind
of an inconvenience for you.
Oh, no. No problem at all, you know.
We want to be here to support you.
So, won't take long,
will it?
No, no, Madame Roola just wants
you to see what we've done so far.
See, she wants it to look as much
like a real game as possible.
These guys are supposed
to be the players, huh?
Yeah.
You kind of have to use
your imagination, you know.
I'm not sure I have
that much imagination.
Oh, good.
Our guests have arrived.
I'm so glad you could come.
Bernard, this is Coach Fox,
Mr. Van Dam
and the Viking that I saw
in the shower.
This is my assistant,
Bernard.
Yo, Bernard.
Let us begin.
Opening positions,
everyone.
"Hoot, Hoot, Hike"
is a dance in four quarters
and a halftime.
It pits the forces of good
against the forces of evil.
Here, evil is ahead,
13 to 7
with time running out.
Bernard.
Kelly is the ball.
The ball is the soul.
Right.
In "Hoot, Hoot, Hike,"
good and evil
are fighting
for control of the soul.
The ultimate battle.
When do they dance?
They are dancing now.
(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Is she going to be okay?
What if they drop her?
Then we punt.
I am joking.
They won't drop her.
Touchdown!
Well, all right.
Good for you, guys.
Goodness evens the score.
Yeah. So that's it.
Let's go, guys. Oh, no, wait.
There is one thing more.
The finishing touch, so to speak.
MADAME ROOLA: Bravo!
You were great, everybody.
We will meet
tomorrow at 4:00.
That dance came
from my very soul.
I hope you felt it.
I felt something.
So, Dad, what did you think?
Did you like it?
Oh, yeah, I liked it a lot.
Boy, I'll tell you something, Kelly.
You know, for a while
I thought you were the ball.
You made a nice, tight spiral.
Hayden, we got to get back.
Coach Fox, I need to talk
to Bernard for a moment,
but don't leave just yet.
I need to talk to you, too. All right.
If you're gonna talk we gotta get back.
We have stuff we have to do.
Okay. Come on, Daub,
let's get a hamburger.
Well, see you, Kelly.
Nice game, Bernard.
So, what do you
really think, Dad?
Well, you know,
I mean, Kelly,
I liked it up until
the end there, you know?
What didn't you like
about the end?
Well, I don't know
how to say this to you,
except just, like,
straight out.
You know
your Madame Roola, there?
I think
she grabbed my bottom.
Oh, Dad, come on. She probably just
brushed up against you or something.
You don't brush up against
somebody with a grip.
Well, I guess you'll just have to
understand that she's European, you know.
They touch people.
They're not inhibited the way Americans are.
I'm not inhibited.
I just don't like somebody
tweaking my cheeks in the
middle of a dance, that's all.
Kelly, you were marvelous.
We'll see you tomorrow at 4:00.
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye-bye, Dad. Thanks for coming.
Bye, honey.
So, what did you want
to talk to me about?
Coach Fox, I must apologize.
Something happened
when the dance was over
and I feel
I owe you an explanation.
What was that?
Dance moves me. If I am
feeling something here,
I simply must express it.
I'm afraid
this took you by surprise.
I'm sorry
if ll embarrassed you.
No, heck,
I wasn't embarrassed.
You know, I'm pretty familiar
with European ways.
Ah! Good.
You are a sensitive man.
Well, you know,
being a father and everything.
(HAYDEN EXCLAIMING)
Hey, time out!
This is America, for God's sake!
Hayden.
Christine,
what are you doing here?
Well, I drove down early to beat the storm.
What's the matter?
Oh, man, Christine, you're not going
to believe what's happening to me.
I mean, I got this woman,
she's throwing herself at me.
What? Yeah, yeah,
I went to this dance thing, you know,
where Kelly was
the ball,
but she's not really the ball,
she's the soul.
And there's some good
and there's some evil there.
I don't know, and at the end of this
thing, this crazy European lady,
her teacher,
she grabbed my bottom.
She what? Hayden,
you're not making any sense.
Yeah, no, no, I am, too.
I mean, Christine, Christine, she attacked me.
Yeah, I mean, Kelly said it was
just some European custom, you know,
but then Kelly left
and she jumped on me.
I mean, she got me in this
kind of leg lock, Christine.
And then she kissed me.
I mean, she did not just kiss me.
She was, like,
clamped to my face.
She was trying to suck
the life out of me. Man!
Well, how big is this woman?
She's tiny,
but she's tricky, Christine.
I just don't believe it.
I mean, I think she's possessed.
Well, Hayden, I want you
to stay away from her.
Well, I'm trying to, but I can't shake her.
I mean, she jumped on my back
and then I had to slip
through a door sideways.
I was trying to scrape her
off me, you know.
And then I ran to my car,
and she's right behind me.
I mean, thank God
I have four-wheel drive!
I shouldn't even be here.
I just didn't want to go to the office
where she could find me.
Oh, my God!
What?
She found me. Look!
Well, I don't see anything.
Oh, my God, Hayden!
Yeah. See, that's her!
Well, she's barefoot!
She's gonna catch pneumonia.
Well, I told you
she was crazy.
I can't believe
she followed me here.
Go away. Shoo!
Can we call somebody?
There you go.
See, that's a good idea.
Now, I'll call
campus security, Christine.
Hey, keep an eye on her. Right.
Don't let her go anywhere.
Hayden, hurry.
She's starting to turn blue.
Hi, yeah, this is Hayden Fox.
Yeah, I need someone
to come out here right away.
Okay, 46 Lakeside Lane.
Well, obviously it's on the lake.
God! Jeez!
Listen, I got
this crazy European woman.
She's dancing
outside my window.
No, I know it sounds crazy,
but she's bouncing around
out there in the snow,
and she's got hardly anything on.
I think someone needs to come
out here and put her somewhere.
Oh, my God! She fell down!
Hayden, she isn't moving!
For crying out loud.
Listen, can you stay right there?
I'll call you right back.
Oh, she is going
to freeze to death.
You have got to go out
and get her.
Yeah, right,
she's not moving.
Oh, man, Christine.
Okay, I'll go get her.
See, Christine,
this is why I hate art.
You be careful.
Don't slip!
Is she still breathing?
Brush the snow off
of her face.
Right.
Hayden, pick her up.
Don't drag her.
(STUTTERING) Just put her on the
couch and we'll wrap her in blankets.
I'll tell you, Christine,
she's nuts.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
She's got me. She's got me!
Oh, this poor little thing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay.
Wake up, little butterfly.
Butterfly?
Yeah, that's what she calls herself.
Come on, crazy lady.
Up. Hey.
Oh, Hayden,
she is just freezing.
I've got to get
some more blankets.
Okay, I'll get some brandy.
She's out cold.
Yeah, well, she's gonna want
something warm when she comes to.
Right, right.
And if she doesn't come to,
I'm gonna drink it.
Catch!
(SHOUTING)
Oh, my God!
Pry her off me, Christine!
Come on.
Get down, get down.
You don't belong up there.
Please,
I don't need any help.
I got up here by myself,
I can get down by myself.
Just what do you think
you're doing?
And who is this?
I'm Christine Armstrong,
his girl... Woman...
I'm Christine Armstrong.
I thought she was out cold.
Well, obviously we didn't leave
her in the snow long enough.
I don't understand
any of this.
But you are a woman.
You must understand the
attraction I have for this man.
Ever since
the first day in his office
when our eyes met
and I touched his trophy,
I wanted to experience him.
Little gold thing I got on my
desk, Christine.
Oh, but please,
don't misunderstand me.
You have nothing
to worry about.
My interest in Coach Fox
is purely physical.
Well, that's a load
off my mind.
Hayden, is this a joke?
No, I told you, Christine.
The woman is a wacko.
Why?
Because I am spontaneous?
Because I'm not afraid
to bare my soul?
No, 'cause you keep jumping
on me like a pine tree.
But don't you see?
I was just following my impulse.
If you deny me my freedom,
you deny me my art.
And it is only through being
free that we can hope to grasp
the unattainable whatever.
I don't want to listen
to this again.
Are you saying you don't approve
of the freedom of the spirit?
I'm saying I don't approve
of you jumping on me,
and I don't approve of the influence
you're having over my daughter.
What have I done
to your daughter?
Well, I just don't want her
being some damn butterfly.
What would you like her
to grow up to be?
A simple-minded slug who takes
a century to move an inch?
That's a shot at me, isn't it?
You know, Coach Fox, there are other
ways to live besides following the crowd.
Well, hey, what's wrong
with following the crowd?
What's so right about it?
Well, if a lot of people
are doing it,
there's gotta be
a good reason.
The reason is
you're all afraid.
Afraid of what?
You tell me.
Hell, I don't even know
what we're talking about!
We're talking about the
difference between you and me.
You wacko!
Slug-o!
Before we all start saying
things that we don't mean,
why don't
I put on some coffee?
Christine,
forget the damn coffee!
She's getting out of here.
Oh!
Well, okay, fine.
If you have a problem,
why didn't you just say so?
That's what I've been trying
to tell you since I met you!
You know, Coach Fox,
it is too bad that you don't see a
place for both of us in this world,
because it is the innovative and not
the followers that change the world.
And...
provide most of the zest.
Goodbye, Coach Fox.
Christine,
I love your jacket.
Hey, why'd she say
that stuff, huh?
I mean, I'm innovative.
I'm not a follower.
Hayden, it's okay, she's gone.
No, I mean, where does
she get off saying that stuff?
Hey, come on, I was the first guy in
Minnesota to use a shotgun offense.
Hayden, it's all right.
It's over.
See, that's what I don't like about European
folks, you know what I'm saying?
They got this kind of "zestier
than thou" attitude going for them.
Hayden, it's all right.
No, I mean it.
I mean, they think they're the
only ones that know how to live.
Come on now, we got some
exciting lives going here for us.
I mean, I think that you and I
are living right on the edge.
Don't you?
Well, sure we are.
Yeah, I mean,
it's not like extraordinary,
but I mean, you're a newscaster
and that's damn exciting,
and I'm a football coach and that's
not 9:00 to 5:00, isn't it, huh?
I think we're doing pretty damn
well letting our hair down.
Well, if you say so.
Would you like a cup of tea?
You don't think so, do you?
I didn't say that.
No, no, you're about getting ready to
agree with the spider lady there, I know.
No, no, no, Hayden.
No, I don't agree with her.
But I wouldn't exactly
categorize us as free spirits.
All right, you think
we're boring, don't you?
No, I didn't say that.
You didn't have to, Christine.
My God, it's a perfect end
to a perfect day.
Now you're mad.
No, I'm not mad.
That's too passionate for a guy like me.
I'm grumpy.
Yeah.
Hayden, I'm sorry.
Gosh, you know, I just thought
we were a fun couple.
We are.
No, we're not. We're boring.
Hayden.
What?
Catch.
filmed before a studio audience.
Yeah.
Did you believe
those guys out there today?
Well, I have to admit,
they looked pretty good, Hayden.
Oh, man. That was one of the best
practices this team has ever had!
Danny threw great.
Hey, Danny was a shotgun.
You know, those guards were
blowing people off the line.
And they hit that little freshman
in defensive back so hard,
he literally
sailed out of there.
You're not kidding. We've had days
we didn't kick field goals that far.
I don't know when I've been
prouder of a team in my whole life.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Coach.
Yeah, Danny, what is it?
Well, a bunch of us
were just talking.
We thought we played
pretty good out there today.
It's kind of hard to tell
what you thought.
So we were just wondering,
did we play pretty good or what?
Hey, when I think you played
good, I'll tell you.
Right. You're right.
Man, do I love days like this.
I'll tell you something,
if we play Saturday like we practiced today,
those Badgers
are in for big trouble.
Of course, we don't know how
well the Badgers practiced.
Yeah, that's true.
Still haven't gotten that call from
the Optimists' Club, huh, Luth?
Well, I'm going to hit
the showers.
Okay, Daub. Hey, Daub.
Remember, now, I want you
to wear your game face
'cause I don't want
the guys to know
how happy we were
about practice.
Right.
How's this?
Perfect.
Okay, I'll see you guys later.
You know, there are days when
I actually enjoy this job.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You got a Tums?
Yeah.
Dad?
Yeah.
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything,
but I was so excited I couldn't
wait to come talk to you.
I just had
my first dance class
with Madame Roola and she is
absolutely brilliant.
Who?
Madame Roola.
Oh, come on. I told you all about her.
Don't you remember?
She's that famous
choreographer from Europe
who's only here for a semester,
and I had to audition
to get into her class.
Don't you remember
any of that?
Oh, yeah. I remember. Yeah.
Famous dance teacher from Europe.
Really tough to get into her class.
Yeah, I remember that.
Dad,
she's an absolute genius.
Smart, too.
Yeah, I remember that.
I mean, just to be in her
presence and to watch her move,
I feel like I'm
in the presence of greatness.
Oh, I'm all fluttery inside.
(HAYDEN CHUCKLES)
You want Tums?
Well, I'm glad
you're so excited, Kelly.
Oh, I haven't even told you
the best part.
See, I was telling her all about
you, and she got all excited
and she wants to meet you.
Why?
Well, because she's
interested in movement.
And football epitomizes the
power and the primitiveness
of the male vessel.
Well, those are her words.
Well, I hope so.
Please say you'll do it.
Yeah, sure. I mean, sometime when we've
got the time I'll be happy to meet her.
She's outside now.
What? Kelly, come on,
I just finished practice.
I haven't even
taken a shower yet.
Oh, Dad, she's a dancer.
She's used to sweat.
Come on, it'll only
take two minutes.
Please?
Maybe I should leave.
No, no, no, Luther.
Don't go, come on.
If I gotta meet her,
you gotta meet her, too. Okay.
Wheel her in, Kelly.
Okay. Thanks!
Madame...
Well, she was
just right here.
(MEN SCREAMING)
MAN: You can't come in here.
Madame Roola!
Oh, good, you know her.
She just wandered
into the shower, Coach.
She said
she was looking for you.
Who? Me?
She just walked right in.
I gotta tell you, Coach,
I lost my game face.
That's all right, Daub.
You go back and take your shower.
Right.
(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Nice seeing you!
That's quite a team
you've got there.
Ah, Dad, I'd like you
to meet Madame Roola.
This is my father,
Hayden Fox.
Hi, how you doing?
It's a pleasure to meet you,
Coach Fox.
And this is his assistant
coach, Luther Van Dam.
How do you do?
Van Dam.
Van Dam.
I knew a Dutch dancer
named Van Dam.
Are you from Holland?
No, I live right here
in Minnesota.
And what are we laughing at?
I don't know.
Well, I told Dad that you
were a big football fan.
Oh, yes.
Ever since I came to America,
the idea of creating a ballet
inspired by football
has been careening
through my entire body.
And I have enjoyed it.
But,
now it's time
for the careening to stop
and the creating to begin.
Oh, isn't that exciting?
I don't know.
What's she talking about?
I want to premiere
my football ballet
right here at the university.
But in order to create my
dance, I need to feel the game.
I need to lie in its bosom
and have it surround me.
She wants to know if she can
come to one of the practices.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Well, you know, honey,
practices are usually closed
to the public, Kelly.
You won't even know
I'm here.
She just wants to watch.
(CLEARING THROAT)
I don't know,
what do you think, Luther?
Fine with me. Yes.
I promise
you won't even see me.
I'll be just like
a fly on the wall.
No, not a fly,
because they are more
commonly associated with poop.
No, I will be
a graceful butterfly.
Gentle, delicate, quiet.
Yes, a butterfly.
But I will not flit.
1 will just sit.
So, Dad? You think it'll...
Yeah, that's fine.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm so excited.
You have made a generous
contribution to art, Coach Fox.
MADAME ROOLA:
We'll see you tomorrow.
She's gonna come
to practice.
Yeah, we won't even
see her, though,
'cause she's gonna be
a butterfly.
Good, then I'll bring a net.
You wanted to talk to me, Coach?
Yeah.
Now, what in the hell do you
think you were doing out there?
I got in the way, didn't I?
I apologize.
I was just trying to observe.
From inside the huddle?
Come on, you said you
were gonna be a butterfly!
Like a butterfly,
I was drawn to the nectar of the game.
Shut up with that stuff.
You're angry.
I admire that.
Oh, yeah?
Then you're gonna love this.
Get the hell out of here!
(EXCLAIMING)
Dad, what's going on?
Nothing. I'm just talking
to your Madame Butterfly here.
Well, look, I know she got a
little carried away, but you...
But nothing, Kelly,
but nothing.
Now, look, I know
this is important to you
and I tried to cooperate,
but she was way out of line out there.
She was running all over the field.
Dad.
No! That's okay.
I have seen enough.
I now have in my mind the
quintessential football ballet.
I only hope
that the beauty
of the dance that I create
will outweigh that
little screw-up on the field.
Not likely. So, why don't you dance
your little way out of here, all right?
Of course.
I know you're a busy man.
I'll see you at rehearsal.
No, you won't.
But I must.
You are the technical adviser.
No, I'm not.
Okay, you are not
the technical adviser.
But you are
the father of my star.
What?
You are going to be the
centerpiece of the entire movement.
Madame Roola,
the centerpiece of an entire movement?
God, do you think
I'm ready for that?
Who knows when one is ready
to become a star?
But it's only by reaching
that we can hope to attain
the unattainable whatever.
Wow.
Now we must go. We have a lot of
work to do and very little time.
I'll see you at rehearsal.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh, Madame Roola,
that's the door to the shower.
Oh, my goodness.
They would never believe
it was a mistake twice.
This is it, Coach.
You think so, Daub?
I know so.
I had borrowed some tape once.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Kelly.
Thanks for coming.
I know this might have been kind
of an inconvenience for you.
Oh, no. No problem at all, you know.
We want to be here to support you.
So, won't take long,
will it?
No, no, Madame Roola just wants
you to see what we've done so far.
See, she wants it to look as much
like a real game as possible.
These guys are supposed
to be the players, huh?
Yeah.
You kind of have to use
your imagination, you know.
I'm not sure I have
that much imagination.
Oh, good.
Our guests have arrived.
I'm so glad you could come.
Bernard, this is Coach Fox,
Mr. Van Dam
and the Viking that I saw
in the shower.
This is my assistant,
Bernard.
Yo, Bernard.
Let us begin.
Opening positions,
everyone.
"Hoot, Hoot, Hike"
is a dance in four quarters
and a halftime.
It pits the forces of good
against the forces of evil.
Here, evil is ahead,
13 to 7
with time running out.
Bernard.
Kelly is the ball.
The ball is the soul.
Right.
In "Hoot, Hoot, Hike,"
good and evil
are fighting
for control of the soul.
The ultimate battle.
When do they dance?
They are dancing now.
(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Is she going to be okay?
What if they drop her?
Then we punt.
I am joking.
They won't drop her.
Touchdown!
Well, all right.
Good for you, guys.
Goodness evens the score.
Yeah. So that's it.
Let's go, guys. Oh, no, wait.
There is one thing more.
The finishing touch, so to speak.
MADAME ROOLA: Bravo!
You were great, everybody.
We will meet
tomorrow at 4:00.
That dance came
from my very soul.
I hope you felt it.
I felt something.
So, Dad, what did you think?
Did you like it?
Oh, yeah, I liked it a lot.
Boy, I'll tell you something, Kelly.
You know, for a while
I thought you were the ball.
You made a nice, tight spiral.
Hayden, we got to get back.
Coach Fox, I need to talk
to Bernard for a moment,
but don't leave just yet.
I need to talk to you, too. All right.
If you're gonna talk we gotta get back.
We have stuff we have to do.
Okay. Come on, Daub,
let's get a hamburger.
Well, see you, Kelly.
Nice game, Bernard.
So, what do you
really think, Dad?
Well, you know,
I mean, Kelly,
I liked it up until
the end there, you know?
What didn't you like
about the end?
Well, I don't know
how to say this to you,
except just, like,
straight out.
You know
your Madame Roola, there?
I think
she grabbed my bottom.
Oh, Dad, come on. She probably just
brushed up against you or something.
You don't brush up against
somebody with a grip.
Well, I guess you'll just have to
understand that she's European, you know.
They touch people.
They're not inhibited the way Americans are.
I'm not inhibited.
I just don't like somebody
tweaking my cheeks in the
middle of a dance, that's all.
Kelly, you were marvelous.
We'll see you tomorrow at 4:00.
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye-bye, Dad. Thanks for coming.
Bye, honey.
So, what did you want
to talk to me about?
Coach Fox, I must apologize.
Something happened
when the dance was over
and I feel
I owe you an explanation.
What was that?
Dance moves me. If I am
feeling something here,
I simply must express it.
I'm afraid
this took you by surprise.
I'm sorry
if ll embarrassed you.
No, heck,
I wasn't embarrassed.
You know, I'm pretty familiar
with European ways.
Ah! Good.
You are a sensitive man.
Well, you know,
being a father and everything.
(HAYDEN EXCLAIMING)
Hey, time out!
This is America, for God's sake!
Hayden.
Christine,
what are you doing here?
Well, I drove down early to beat the storm.
What's the matter?
Oh, man, Christine, you're not going
to believe what's happening to me.
I mean, I got this woman,
she's throwing herself at me.
What? Yeah, yeah,
I went to this dance thing, you know,
where Kelly was
the ball,
but she's not really the ball,
she's the soul.
And there's some good
and there's some evil there.
I don't know, and at the end of this
thing, this crazy European lady,
her teacher,
she grabbed my bottom.
She what? Hayden,
you're not making any sense.
Yeah, no, no, I am, too.
I mean, Christine, Christine, she attacked me.
Yeah, I mean, Kelly said it was
just some European custom, you know,
but then Kelly left
and she jumped on me.
I mean, she got me in this
kind of leg lock, Christine.
And then she kissed me.
I mean, she did not just kiss me.
She was, like,
clamped to my face.
She was trying to suck
the life out of me. Man!
Well, how big is this woman?
She's tiny,
but she's tricky, Christine.
I just don't believe it.
I mean, I think she's possessed.
Well, Hayden, I want you
to stay away from her.
Well, I'm trying to, but I can't shake her.
I mean, she jumped on my back
and then I had to slip
through a door sideways.
I was trying to scrape her
off me, you know.
And then I ran to my car,
and she's right behind me.
I mean, thank God
I have four-wheel drive!
I shouldn't even be here.
I just didn't want to go to the office
where she could find me.
Oh, my God!
What?
She found me. Look!
Well, I don't see anything.
Oh, my God, Hayden!
Yeah. See, that's her!
Well, she's barefoot!
She's gonna catch pneumonia.
Well, I told you
she was crazy.
I can't believe
she followed me here.
Go away. Shoo!
Can we call somebody?
There you go.
See, that's a good idea.
Now, I'll call
campus security, Christine.
Hey, keep an eye on her. Right.
Don't let her go anywhere.
Hayden, hurry.
She's starting to turn blue.
Hi, yeah, this is Hayden Fox.
Yeah, I need someone
to come out here right away.
Okay, 46 Lakeside Lane.
Well, obviously it's on the lake.
God! Jeez!
Listen, I got
this crazy European woman.
She's dancing
outside my window.
No, I know it sounds crazy,
but she's bouncing around
out there in the snow,
and she's got hardly anything on.
I think someone needs to come
out here and put her somewhere.
Oh, my God! She fell down!
Hayden, she isn't moving!
For crying out loud.
Listen, can you stay right there?
I'll call you right back.
Oh, she is going
to freeze to death.
You have got to go out
and get her.
Yeah, right,
she's not moving.
Oh, man, Christine.
Okay, I'll go get her.
See, Christine,
this is why I hate art.
You be careful.
Don't slip!
Is she still breathing?
Brush the snow off
of her face.
Right.
Hayden, pick her up.
Don't drag her.
(STUTTERING) Just put her on the
couch and we'll wrap her in blankets.
I'll tell you, Christine,
she's nuts.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
She's got me. She's got me!
Oh, this poor little thing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Okay.
Wake up, little butterfly.
Butterfly?
Yeah, that's what she calls herself.
Come on, crazy lady.
Up. Hey.
Oh, Hayden,
she is just freezing.
I've got to get
some more blankets.
Okay, I'll get some brandy.
She's out cold.
Yeah, well, she's gonna want
something warm when she comes to.
Right, right.
And if she doesn't come to,
I'm gonna drink it.
Catch!
(SHOUTING)
Oh, my God!
Pry her off me, Christine!
Come on.
Get down, get down.
You don't belong up there.
Please,
I don't need any help.
I got up here by myself,
I can get down by myself.
Just what do you think
you're doing?
And who is this?
I'm Christine Armstrong,
his girl... Woman...
I'm Christine Armstrong.
I thought she was out cold.
Well, obviously we didn't leave
her in the snow long enough.
I don't understand
any of this.
But you are a woman.
You must understand the
attraction I have for this man.
Ever since
the first day in his office
when our eyes met
and I touched his trophy,
I wanted to experience him.
Little gold thing I got on my
desk, Christine.
Oh, but please,
don't misunderstand me.
You have nothing
to worry about.
My interest in Coach Fox
is purely physical.
Well, that's a load
off my mind.
Hayden, is this a joke?
No, I told you, Christine.
The woman is a wacko.
Why?
Because I am spontaneous?
Because I'm not afraid
to bare my soul?
No, 'cause you keep jumping
on me like a pine tree.
But don't you see?
I was just following my impulse.
If you deny me my freedom,
you deny me my art.
And it is only through being
free that we can hope to grasp
the unattainable whatever.
I don't want to listen
to this again.
Are you saying you don't approve
of the freedom of the spirit?
I'm saying I don't approve
of you jumping on me,
and I don't approve of the influence
you're having over my daughter.
What have I done
to your daughter?
Well, I just don't want her
being some damn butterfly.
What would you like her
to grow up to be?
A simple-minded slug who takes
a century to move an inch?
That's a shot at me, isn't it?
You know, Coach Fox, there are other
ways to live besides following the crowd.
Well, hey, what's wrong
with following the crowd?
What's so right about it?
Well, if a lot of people
are doing it,
there's gotta be
a good reason.
The reason is
you're all afraid.
Afraid of what?
You tell me.
Hell, I don't even know
what we're talking about!
We're talking about the
difference between you and me.
You wacko!
Slug-o!
Before we all start saying
things that we don't mean,
why don't
I put on some coffee?
Christine,
forget the damn coffee!
She's getting out of here.
Oh!
Well, okay, fine.
If you have a problem,
why didn't you just say so?
That's what I've been trying
to tell you since I met you!
You know, Coach Fox,
it is too bad that you don't see a
place for both of us in this world,
because it is the innovative and not
the followers that change the world.
And...
provide most of the zest.
Goodbye, Coach Fox.
Christine,
I love your jacket.
Hey, why'd she say
that stuff, huh?
I mean, I'm innovative.
I'm not a follower.
Hayden, it's okay, she's gone.
No, I mean, where does
she get off saying that stuff?
Hey, come on, I was the first guy in
Minnesota to use a shotgun offense.
Hayden, it's all right.
It's over.
See, that's what I don't like about European
folks, you know what I'm saying?
They got this kind of "zestier
than thou" attitude going for them.
Hayden, it's all right.
No, I mean it.
I mean, they think they're the
only ones that know how to live.
Come on now, we got some
exciting lives going here for us.
I mean, I think that you and I
are living right on the edge.
Don't you?
Well, sure we are.
Yeah, I mean,
it's not like extraordinary,
but I mean, you're a newscaster
and that's damn exciting,
and I'm a football coach and that's
not 9:00 to 5:00, isn't it, huh?
I think we're doing pretty damn
well letting our hair down.
Well, if you say so.
Would you like a cup of tea?
You don't think so, do you?
I didn't say that.
No, no, you're about getting ready to
agree with the spider lady there, I know.
No, no, no, Hayden.
No, I don't agree with her.
But I wouldn't exactly
categorize us as free spirits.
All right, you think
we're boring, don't you?
No, I didn't say that.
You didn't have to, Christine.
My God, it's a perfect end
to a perfect day.
Now you're mad.
No, I'm not mad.
That's too passionate for a guy like me.
I'm grumpy.
Yeah.
Hayden, I'm sorry.
Gosh, you know, I just thought
we were a fun couple.
We are.
No, we're not. We're boring.
Hayden.
What?
Catch.