Coach (1989–1997): Season 1, Episode 11 - Whose Team Is It, Anyway? - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

(CHAINSAW REVVING)

Hey!

Hey! You, in the tree!
MAN: Good morning.

What are you doing
up there?

Cutting down
your pine tree.

Who said you could
cut down my pine tree?

Hey, ain't you Coach Fox? Yeah.

Then this isn't
the Murphy place?

No!

Oh, sorry.



Timber!

LUTHER: That's what
I was saying.

What do I care?

You want some coffee?
Oh, yeah.

So what do you think,
Luth?

You think we got
a chance Saturday?

Hey, I thought we looked
real good out there today.

Yeah, I gotta tell you,
I hate it when the last game of the year

decides whether or not we have
a winning or losing season.

I know what you mean.
You go six and five,

everybody's looking
forward to next year.

Five and six, they're looking
for loopholes in your contract.

Excuse me, Coach.

Did you still want to bust Carter
Frederickson's chops about being late



for practice?
Well, hell, yes.

He knows how much winning
that game means to me.

He knows I want
his head on a platter.

Where is he?
Is he outside?

No. He's washing his hair.

Well, tell him to get in here.
Right.

What if he catches cold?
If he gets sick for Saturday's game,

we don't have a chance.

Right, right.
Hey, Dauber!

Okay, let him get
his hair dry,

but then tell him I want
his big-shot can in here,

'cause I'm going to
put it in a sling.

Right, Coach.

Man, I hate it
when a kid starts thinking

he's better
than everybody else.

He is better than
everybody else, Hayden.

Look what he's accomplished
this year.

68 yards shy of the school
rushing record,

second team Sporting News
All-American.

All the scouts saying
he's going to the pros.

He's got all that hair.

Yeah, well,
that's just great.

If he doesn't get with the
program, I can always play...

Sokowski.
Yeah, the kid with the horse ears.

Sokowski, that's Sokowski!

Yeah, well,
he'd be grateful to play.

He'd be grateful
to get his helmet on.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Luther.

Hey, Kelly.
Hey, Kelly.

You busy?

Oh, hey, I always got time
for my favorite daughter. Aw.

(GIGGLING) Well,
this will only take half a second.

Now, you remember that stray
dog that Shari and I found

a couple of weeks ago?
That one that we took to the animal shelter?

No.

Oh. Well, anyway,
a couple of weeks ago

we were jogging in town,
and it was really cold out.

And we saw this poor,
pitiful doggie standing in a doorway.

And he was shivering,
and he didn't have any collar on,

and his coat
was all matted.

So I said to Shari, you know...
You know, sweetheart,

I think I'm starting to remember now.
I got it.

Oh, good. Well, anyway,
so they called us from the shelter yesterday,

and the dog's owner
never came to claim him.

Well, you know what they do
to stray dogs after two weeks.

What do they do?

They put them to sleep.
For how long?

So, anyway, we went and
picked up the dog yesterday,

and we took him to the dorm,
and he stayed with us,

but they found out
about it, and so,

Shari and I were just trying
to think of who is the most

generous and kind-hearted
person that we know,

and who has all the room in the
world and lots of open space,

and who would give the dog
a really wonderful home.

Hayden?
What?

(STUTTERING)
I was guessing.

Hayden? Hayden?

Luther, I don't want a dog.
He don't want a dog.

Oh, please, Dad.
It's only temporary.

It's just until
we can find a new owner,

or until Shari and I can
get an apartment.

Oh, come on, Kelly.
I don't have time for a dog. I live alone.

You know,
I'm never home.

What is this about you
getting an apartment?

Oh, well, that just sort
of slipped out.

But let's not talk
about that now.

Let's talk about the dog.
That's really our main concern here, now.

You'll only have to keep him
for a couple of days.

And he's so cute, Dad.
And he's really well-trained.

I don't think it sounds
like much trouble.

Well, then you take him.

Well, I would, but I've got
that damn bird to contend with.

I mean, I'm up to my
eyeballs in responsibility.

Dad, you wouldn't even
have to do anything.

I mean, I'd come out
to the cabin every night

and feed him, or Shari would.
No, no, no.

Look, don't send Shari, huh?

What's wrong with Shari?
Well, I don't know, Kelly.

But she always makes that clicking
noise at me with her tongue.

You know,
I don't even know what it means,

but it's like we're in on
something together. I don't know.

Hi, everyone.

Sorry, he's getting restless.
Hey, Coach Fox.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

So, what's the deal?
Did he say yes yet?

Not yet.
Kelly, come on.

Please, Dad, please.
Just for a little while?

For me?

All right. I'll take him.

Oh, thank you.

That's my coach.
I'm not your coach.

Carter Frederickson's almost
done drying his hair, Coach.

Oh, good. Okay, when he gets it
combed, I want him in here.

Right. Looks like we're getting
kind of busy here, Kelly,

so, you know, just...
Okay, that's great.

We'll take Misha out to the
cabin and get him all set up.

Misha? It's Mikhail
Baryshnikov's nickname.

Mikhail... He's a...

The Russian guy
with the stain on his head.

Luther, Baryshnikov
is a virtuoso of the ballet.

Oh, I thought
he was the other one.

No. Look, Dad,
you're not going to regret this,

okay, I promise.
We're going to take care of everything.

We'll do it all.

Thanks again.

Thanks, Coach.

We love you.

Here he is, Coach.

You wanted to see me,
Coach?

Yeah.

Dauber, you want to shut
the door, there, please?

You want to shut it
from the other side, Daub?

You like to tell me why
you were late for practice?

Oh, I had a...
It's just a personal problem.

What personal problem?

Well, they put the wrong
hubcaps on my new car,

and I had to go down there
and pick out some new ones.

Oh, gee. Sorry,
that is a personal problem.

Didn't realize. My mistake.
That's okay.

Get back in here.

You sit down, Mr. Wise Guy.

Now, you know the rules.

That's the second time you've
been late for practice.

That means you don't start
on Saturday.

Okay.

And if you're late a third time,
that means you don't play at all.

Do you read me?

Loud and clear.

Carter, you see,
it's not that I think

you need the extra five or
ten minutes of practice, son.

It's just that...

in order to win,
we all got to start pulling together.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Yeah.

And whether you believe it or not,
all the members of this team are equals.

Oh, good. Then we're all
going to the pros.

'Cause I was afraid I was
going to miss those guys.

Don't get smart with me, kid.

If you're one minute late
for practice tomorrow,

that means you don't start.
And you know what that means?

No school rushing record,

no running out with the other
seniors for the final farewell cheer.

Nothing.

You get it?

Yeah.

Coach, if I'm not starting
Saturday, when do I go in?

Like...on the second play?

You're letting him get away with a
lot, aren't you?

Well...

I need this last game a lot more than he
does, and he knows it.

When we got here
five years ago, Luther,

this school had
a losing program.

And now we've worked it into
a breakeven program,

and the next step is supposed
to be a winning program,

and I'm telling you, if we take a step
backwards, that means our jobs, Luther.

Yours and mine.

Coach, did you give it
to him?

Spread it around.
Carter's not starting on Saturday.

All right.
A little discipline.

Damn right.

So, when do we send him in?
Like, on the second play?

Coach is going to kill me.

It's not your fault.

Well, then,
whose fault is it?

Coach told me I was supposed
to keep an eye on Carter

and make sure
he got to practice on time.

I never could cover
a running back.

Hey, Hayden.
How did the alumni lunch go?

You know, it went great.

Fifty fat cats with bourbon on their
breath, slapping me on the back,

and telling me I'm the greatest
coach of Minnesota State

since Curly O'Brien,
and then reminding me that they fired Curly

after one losing season.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Speaking of losing...

How serious were you about...

benching Carter if he was
late to practice again?

Well, Carter's not
going to be late

because I told Dauber to keep
an eye on him or I'd kill him.

How serious were you
about that?

Oh, God. What happened?

I'm sorry, Coach.

I had him all morning.

I was with him through class,
I had him through lunch.

I was even sitting right there
next to him

when he offered to split a piece
of pie with me if I'd go buy it.

When I got back, he was gone.

Jeez, Dauber,
I was counting on you.

I know. I hate myself.

The pie thing is like a monkey
on my back.

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, what do you think
I'm going to do?

I told the kid if he was late
again, he wouldn't play on Saturday.

So, he's not playing?
I didn't say that.

Well, it's 3:00 now.
Technically, he's late already.

No, no. Technically,
practice doesn't start until I get up there.

Listen.

Okay, here's what
we're going to do.

Dauber, I want you to see
if you can go find him.

Great. Luther,
you go up there on the practice field

and just stall
until I get there, okay?

When are you coming out?

Well, when Carter gets here.
I'm telling you, that kid is not going to be late.

You don't think the team's
not going to see through this?

Who cares about the team?
I'm trying to win a game, Luther.

All right, you got five minutes
to get suited up and get out there

on that practice field.

I'm not going
to practice today, Coach.

Oh, really?
Yeah, I'm sick.

Here's a note
from the doctor.

Influitis?

Come on, who wrote this?

Some girl over
at Student Health?

Hey, what's going on here, Carter?
What are you trying to pull?

Nothing. Look.

I'll be there tomorrow,
and I'll try to win this game for you,

I just won't be
at practice today.

Oh, since when do you tell me when
you're going to be at practice

and when you won't?
Look, Coach.

You need to win
this game tomorrow.

And I'm the guy
who can do it for you.

So, we should be
working together.

You know, Carter,
your presence does not guarantee us a win.

No, I can't guarantee a win,
but without me...

I can guarantee a loss.

All right, then.

What am I supposed to tell
the other players at practice?

Tell them I'm sick.
You've got a note.

And I really am
kind of sick, Coach.

All right, you're sick.

You go to your apartment and you stay there.
Is that a deal?

It's a deal.

And lighten up.
I'll see you for the game tomorrow.

Good evening, Ms.
Armstrong. Hey, Nick.

Coach.
Hey, Nick.

What is this we hear about Carter
Frederickson having the flu?

Where'd you hear that?

Well, it's all over town.
He wasn't at practice today.

Carter's got the flu?

Is he going to be able
to play tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, he'll be fine
if he just stays in.

Oh, thank God.
Yeah, yeah.

Well, it would be terrible if
Carter couldn't play tomorrow.

Oh, you know, Carter knows
how important this game is.

Come on,
he's not going to do anything

to jeopardize the whole
thing, you know.

CARTER: Hey, Nick.

(CROWD CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

What's the matter?
You don't seem glad to see him up.

Oh, I am. Thrilled.

In fact, I'm going to
go over and tell him.

Excuse me.

Hey, Coach.
What the hell are you doing here?

You know, just the most
amazing thing happened.

All of a sudden,
I was feeling much better.

Huh.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should
take it easy before the big game.

You're really pushing it,
aren't you?

You know,
this is no coincidence.

You knew
I was going to be here.

What the hell
are you trying to prove?

I'm not trying to prove a thing.
I just wanted a beer.

(SNICKERING)

All right,
you had your show.

Now, you've got
two choices, hero.

You can walk out of here,
or I can carry you out.

What's it going to be?

I'll walk out.

Come on, guys.

What are you looking at?

HAYDEN: Pushing his luck.
That's what that is.

Oh, Hayden, calm down.

All right, yeah.
All ll do is build the offense

around that kid so I can
showcase his talents,

and this is the payback
I get?

What's your problem?

Do you see a dog dish around
here anywhere, Christine?

No.

Oh, well, that's just great.

What's the matter now?

Well, Kelly was supposed
to come and feed my dog.

How do you know she didn't?

Well, I don't see
the dish out anywhere.

Maybe she washed it
and put it away.

My daughter?

It is possible.

Oh, sure, yeah. And it's possible
she took him for a pizza, too.

Man, I can't
believe this, Christine.

I told her to come
and feed the dog,

and then when she left
to leave the lights on.

The lights are off,
so, she didn't come.

You stupid dog.

I can't believe I let Kelly
talk me into this.

Gee, I don't even like dogs.

Hey, did I tell you
what he did the other night?

He crawled into bed with me
and he woke me up.

He was having this weird
dream, you know.

He was growling and his leg
was going 90 miles an hour.

Well, if you're going to feed
him, how about if I feed us?

I'm not hungry.

Well, I'm going
to make myself some eggs.

I haven't eaten since lunch.

I'm sorry
you didn't get any dinner.

Oh, it's okay.

Look, I am making this
as fast as I can, okay?

Would you give me
an egg, Christine?

Well, I thought you
weren't hungry.

It's for him. He likes
an egg in his dinner.

Did he tell you that?

It's good for their coat.
It helps them live longer.

Now, relax, or I'll
throw you out in the cold.

What am I
going to do about Carter?

Well, I think
it's obvious, Hayden.

He broke a rule
and everybody knows it.

You have no choice
but to bench him.

Right. So you're saying
lose the game?

What I'm saying is,
what's more important?

Winning the game,
or keeping your self-respect?

Oh, give me a break.

All right. How about the
respect of everybody else?

Luther, Dauber,
all the guys on the team.

You made them all
play by those rules.

Yeah, and all those rules-followers
are going to go out there Saturday

and get their butts kicked
by the Golden Gophers.

I gotta tell you, Christine,
if Hayden Fox goes five and six,

nobody's going to care that he did
it to uphold some stupid principle.

I don't think Minnesota State
is going to fire you

because of one losing season.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's what
they told Curly O'Brien,

and now he's sharpening
ice skates at the mall.

God, Christine. You don't
know anything about football.

This is a "what have you done
for me lately?" kind of business.

And I'll tell you something else.
If don't have a job,

then I'm not gonna have a showcase
for all these wonderful principles.

Then you've already decided.

You're going
to play him?

I don't know.

I don't know.
I mean, there's got to be some angle

I'm not thinking of.

There's got to be a way
to play Carter

and not lose
my credibility.

I don't know how.

DAUBER: What do you think
he's going to do?

LUTHER: I don't know.

What would you do?

I don't know. I've never
been in this situation.

Of course, I've never
been a head coach.

And I'm never going
to be a head coach

'cause I never want
to be in this situation.

Team ready?
Yeah. They're waiting for you.

Have you decided
what you're going to do?

Yeah.

Let's go see
if we can pull it off.

You want to sit down,
Carter?

Gentlemen,
there's a few things I want

to say to you
before we go out there today.

You know, we've had
some highs this season,

we've had some
disappointments, but...

I want to tell you one thing
lam not disappointed in...

and that's this team.

Because I know that you went out
there every weekend this season

and you gave it
the best you had.

And now, we're...

we're at the last game
of the season...

and, see, I know
you want to go out winners.

Because when I recruited
each and every one of you guys

to play for Minnesota State,

I promised you that I'd do
whatever I could

to make sure you were winners.

And I also promised you

that every member of this team
had to follow the same rules

no matter how good they were.

And if they didn't...

they wouldn't play.

So now I've got
adilemma, don't 1?

See, I don't think
I'm gonna be able

to keep those two promises
to you guys today.

I mean, what do I do?
Do I enforce the rule?

That means
a key member of this team

is not gonna be out there on
that field with you guys today

doing his share to make
sure that you're winners.

Or do I let him play?

Thereby giving us
a better chance for victory?

And, yet, the problem is

I run the risk
of losing your respect.

So what should I do, huh?

I mean...

be selfish
and enforce my rule

just so ll can
feel good about myself?

Or should I say
damn it all...

your dreams are more
important than anything

I could ever want
for myself?

So, I'm gonna
tell you what I decided.

I'm gonna give up
what I want...

to keep my promise to you
guys to make you winners.

'Cause I think
we can go out this afternoon,

as a team and as family,

and we can beat
those Golden Gophers

and give this proud school
a winning season.

And I believe
that that promise...

is the more sacred one.

So let's all go out there

as a team,

and let's exterminate
some Gophers!

(TEAM HOOTING)

Let's go!

(TEAM CHEERING)

LUTHER: Come on!

Great speech, Coach.
Hey, thanks, Carter.

You know, coming from you that,
well, that makes me feel like...

well, sick to my stomach.

You're not playing
today, son.

What are you talking about?

I want you to get
your uniform off.

I don't even want to see you
on the field.

You're serious.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am.

You just told the whole team
I was playing.

I've got
a rushing record to go for.

My parents are here.
Are you nuts?

I'm going to
tell you something, Carter.

And I want you to listen
to me just for once, son.

You're one of
the special people.

You're lucky.

You have talent.

And that means you can probably
get anything you want out of life.

But you got one problem.

You're an ass.

And I don't want you
out there on the field

with the rest of my players
because they believe

in the team concept,
and you don't.

You believe in you.

This is amazing.

You're just
going to blow the game.

Maybe.

Maybe not.
But I'll tell you one thing.

I'm gonna miss seeing you run.

Because when you're out there,
man, you are so much fun to watch.

But I got
to tell you something.

I don't care about
your talent anymore, son.

The bottom line, Carter...

is you're just not worth it.

Come on, Misha. Let's go
get us some Golden Gophers!