Coach (1989–1997): Season 1, Episode 10 - Define Romance - full transcript
When Hayden turns down Christine's invitation to the opera, she asks another guy, then asks Hayden to define their relationship.
FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.
Well, guess who's not
coming to Minnesota State.
Guess. Billy La Cava.
Can you believe it?
Doggone it, that kid
had everything.
Size, speed, an arm like a cannon.
And he was smart.
Smart? Are you kidding?
He was a straight-A student.
Where's he going?
Harvard.
Harvard?
To play football?
Harvard. I guess he's not
as smart as we thought he was.
Harvard?
At Harvard, he's not
going to be surrounded
with the kind of quality
players that we have here.
Coach, could you come out to
the practice field for a minute?
We've got a little problem.
What's up, Daub?
Fred is stuck
to the goal post.
What?
Well, you know it's really
cold out there today,
and Danny dared Fred to lay
his tongue on the goal post,
and he did, and his tongue
froze, and now he's stuck to it.
Oh, jeez. All right. Well, get a bucket of warm water.
We'll meet you out there.
I mean, Harvard! Why would
a kid want to go to Harvard?
Honest to God, I think that's the
dumbest thing I've ever seen anybody do.
I mean, who would stick their
tongue to a frozen goal post?
Well, we didn't recruit
Fred Webb for his brains,
we recruited him because he's a building.
He falls on people.
Where do you want me
to put him, Coach?
Yeah, just put him
on the couch there.
I want to have
a talk with him.
You want any ice
for your tongue, Fred?
(GROANS)
Fred, bud, now I know
you're in a lot of pain,
so this isn't gonna
take long, but I just
feel that I wouldn't be
doing my job as a coach
if ll didn't have
this little talk with you now.
Son, you're a doofus.
Yeah, I know you don't like hearing
that, and I don't like saying it,
but that's what you are,
you know.
You are the team doofus.
You're the guy the team's
always dumping on.
How many times have you fallen for that
old "Bengay in the jockstrap" gag, huh?
And how many times have you found
your helmet filled with shaving cream?
How many times have they taped you naked
to a toilet and just left you there?
I guess I thought that
had happened to everybody.
Fred, you know, I'm talking
about your future here.
Now, you don't want to be a doofus
the rest of your life, do you?
Come on, you want to grow up,
you wanna have Kids, and have a wife,
and have friends
that respect you.
I mean, you don't wanna end up
passing out shoes in a bowling alley.
Hayden, that's
what his dad does.
Really?
(HAYDEN SIGHS)
Fred, I guess what
I'm trying to say is that,
I think you got
a lot of potential, you know.
You can do
anything you want to do.
(PHONE RINGING)
Coach's office.
Anyway, Fred,
the next time Danny dares you to
touch your tongue to the goal post
or to chug
a tub of Gatorade...
Excuse me, Coach,
it's Christine.
Tell her I'll be
with her in a sec.
The next time
any of that stuff happens,
I want you to think about it and
I don't want you to do it, okay?
Because you're
smarter than that, Fred.
All right. Now, you go out and
take a shower and soak your tongue,
and we'll see you
at practice tomorrow, huh?
Yeah, Christine, sorry to make you wait.
What's up, honey?
I just wanted to know if
you're doing anything tonight.
Tonight? I could make myself
available. Why?
Well, I just got two tickets
to the opera.
It's La Boheme,
and I was wondering if you want to go.
To the opera?
I take it you don't.
Well, I mean, it's not that
I don't wanna be with you.
But you know
that I hate opera.
I mean, it's long and boring,
and I don't understand Spanish, honey.
I mean, jeez,
HAYDEN: / don't see how
people really like that stuff.
Yeah, well, I do.
But forget it.
It was just a bad idea.
I just thought you might enjoy
watching something for a change
that didn't have
a beer commercial in it.
Oh, no, not really,
but thanks for asking me.
HAYDEN: Can you ask
someone else to go with you?
Fine. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, okay, but I will see you
this weekend, won't 1?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, have fun at La Bamba.
She wants you to go
to the opera?
I mean, can you believe that?
(COACH EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Huh.
Coach, I just wanted to tell you that
my tongue feels a whole lot better.
Oh, that's good, Fred.
And I told those guys
what you said,
and I told them I just wasn't
gonna be a doofus anymore,
and I think they
respected me for it.
They all slapped me
on the back and shook my hand
and they promised they wouldn't
play no more dirty tricks on me.
You know something?
I'm glad to hear that, Fred.
I thought you would be.
I'll see you later. All right.
Oh, there you are.
Hey, sweetheart. Come on in.
Am I interrupting something?
If 1 am, I can come back later.
No, no. I was just
diagramming a play here.
Oh, really? I've never seen you do that before.
What kind of play is that?
This? It's a green 47.
What does that mean?
Well, green indicates that it's a pass play.
And that means that the number four
back on the right-hand side, see,
is gonna run
a fly pattern
through the number seven hole on
the left-hand side of the line.
Then the split end's gonna run
a decoy post pattern.
And if all else fails, then
the fullback's gonna release
across the middle,
there's a safety valve.
Oh. That's cute.
Well, we'll keep it in
for next season, then.
(KELLY LAUGHING)
So, what's up?
Well, I just came by to pay you back the
$20 that I borrowed from you last week.
Oh, gee, I'd forgotten all about it.
Well, I hadn't.
I'm trying to manage my money
a little better.
Oh, I like that.
That's responsible.
Yeah. Don't deposit it quite yet.
I had to postdate it a little bit.
Next month?
Well, yeah. I'm hoping.
Hayden... Oh, hi, Kelly.
I'm sorry, is this personal?
Oh, business. I was paying
back Dad some money I owed him.
Hayden, listen, I'd be the last person
in the world who'd try to upset you,
but have you seen the Arts and Fashion
section in the newspaper this morning?
Hmm, let me think.
Arts and Fashion.
No, I don't think I did, Luth.
No, neither did I. I was changing my bird
cage, and Christine was in it.
What? She wasn't in the bird
cage, she was in the...
Here, you can see. See for yourself.
What's she doing in the paper?
She had a date with a guy
named Doug. Went to the opera.
What the hell is this?
That's just what I thought.
You didn't know, did you?
I wish I hadn't have seen it.
Damn bird.
"Pictured above is Channel 6
newscaster Christine Armstrong,
"accompanied by
"station vice-president
Douglas Stafford
"at the opening of
La Boheemie."
You're upset, aren't you? I don't blame you.
I wish I hadn't told you.
No, I'm glad you told me.
I mean, it's nice to know
the other guys
that my girlfriend
is going out with.
Dad, you don't know
that they're going out.
I mean, maybe it was a business thing.
Maybe he had an extra ticket.
No, they were Christine's tickets.
I know. She asked me to go.
Well, then why didn't you?
Come on. Me? To the opera?
Hey, I'd rather have my knee drained.
Well, Dad, that's why
she asked someone else.
Yeah, but why did she ask another guy?
I mean, what the hell is she doing?
I can't believe you're
getting upset about this, Dad.
I mean, they're
probably just friends.
I'm sure they know each other
from the station.
And they've probably worked
together a long time.
Oh, he's cute.
Let me see that.
Hell, he is cute,
isn't he?
I'm going to get rid
of that bird.
It's been nothing but trouble
ever since I got it.
Oh, come on. She's just trying to make me
jealous, that's what this is.
I see through it.
I'm not gonna fall for it.
Dad, before you go
getting all crazy,
why don't you pick up the
phone, call Christine,
and find out
what it's all about?
That's a good idea.
Where are you going?
Minneapolis.
It's a shame he had to
find out about this.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, yeah, I was just
getting ready to leave. Why?
Oh, okay, well, if you can
have a film crew meet me there,
I can do it before I come in.
What airline?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Just a second. Got it.
Okay. Who do I contact
when I get there?
All right. Great.
Call you from the airport. Bye.
Hi! Hayden,
what are you doing here?
Oh, I don't know.
I got up this morning, read the paper,
really felt like
taking a drive.
To Minneapolis?
Well, you know, I didn't get
a chance to see you last night
and I was just kind of curious
how the opera went.
Well, I'm just
on my way to the airport.
The president of Nepal
has been visiting
and he's giving
a press conference
just before he leaves.
Uh-huh. He can wait.
What is going on?
Why don't you tell me?
Oh. Hayden, is that
what this is about?
You drove all the way here
in the middle of the day
because I went to the opera
with Doug?
Doug?
His name is Doug,
what would you want me to call him?
Christine, why would you ask another
guy to go to the opera with you?
Because my guy wouldn't go.
Well, why didn't you
ask a girlfriend?
1 did. I asked Barbara.
She was going
with her guy.
Yeah, right. So the next person
in line was Doug Gorgeous.
I don't believe this. Hayden,
I don't have time for this.
Do you know how bad this
is going to make me look?
I mean, come on, Page 1,
"Hayden's woman goes out
with another man"?
"Hayden's woman"?
Oh, come on,
you know what I mean.
I mean, don't try to turn that
remark into some kind of insult
to your entire gender.
Look, I asked you to go
to the opera, you said no.
Doug and I are friends.
I happen to know that Doug likes the opera,
I asked him. He said he'd go.
We had dinner, a cappuccino afterward,
and then he brought me home.
That's all there was to it.
I'm sorry if that was misunderstood,
but it's not my problem.
(PHONE RINGING) Well,
couldn't you have been considerate enough
to just tell me that before Luther
had to show it to me in the newspaper?
What was Luther doing reading
the Arts and Fashion section?
Hey, Luther will
surprise you.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Oh, well, thanks, I thought it
was a nice picture of you, too.
Is that him?
Yeah.
Oh, really, really,
that isn't necessary.
Well, what's he want?
Do I have to take this
in the bedroom?
Doug, I'm sorry,
could you say that again?
There was a noise
in the room.
Oh, well, actually, that sounds like
fun, but could I get back to you?
I've got a film crew waiting.
(STAMMERING) I'll see you
later at the station, okay?
Great. Thank you. Bye.
He asked you out
on a date, didn't he?
He wants to be polite and he's
paying me back for last night.
Why, what did you do?
Hayden, he wants to take me
to an art gallery opening.
Well, that's a date.
Date number two.
I didn't even say I'd go!
What if I told you
I didn't want you to go?
What right have you got to tell
me you don't want me to go?
Who's talking about rights?
Now you're bringing the Constitution into this.
God, doggone it,
I just thought
we had something going here.
You know, Christine?
Just a simple going thing.
I really don't understand what my going out
with a friend has to do with you and me.
All right, you can go ahead and
call him a friend if you want to,
but I'm not stupid.
I know guys.
I mean, he's trying to move in
on my territory,
and I don't mean "territory" in
a chauvinistic sense, either.
Well, Hayden, if anyone sees an
opportunity to "move in," as you say,
maybe that's because you've
never defined your territory.
Now, I know you don't like to feel trapped.
I've never even tried to pin you down.
But if you want to define our
relationship, I'm all for that.
No, I don't want to
define anything, Christine.
I want to leave things
as they are.
Fine. I have no problem
with that.
But that means you can't get crazy if I
want to go out to the opera with a friend.
(SCOFFING)
I see where this is going.
All right.
All right. I can go out
with friends, too.
What is that supposed to mean?
Hey, I don't have to define
anything, Christine,
you know what friends are.
I think I'm gonna go back home
and I'm gonna call a few of mine.
Fine! Then I'll call Doug and tell him I
can go to the gallery on Saturday night.
Fine!
Fine!
Super!
Fabulous!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION)
Yes, what is it?
Well, then get a shot of his plane
leaving, and I'll narrate it.
LUTHER: I don't know what
the Coach is going to say.
But I'll tell you one thing,
he's not going to be very happy.
See?
What are you guys
doing here?
We got a little problem,
Coach.
Fred has run amok.
What? He decided to
get back at everybody.
So he taped
all the lockers shut.
Then he put rubber cement
in everyone's mouthpiece.
Then he went out, he tied
Danny's ankles together
and ran him up the flagpole.
We got him down. I don't think he's
going to be much good at practice today.
Fred, is this true?
Yeah, it is, Coach.
I just couldn't
take it anymore.
Something snapped.
You're lucky it wasn't
the rope on the flagpole.
You realize how serious
this is, don't you, Fred?
Yes, sir.
I can't let a thing like this go
without some disciplinary action.
I understand, Coach.
You get down there
and you do some push-ups.
All right, that's good.
Now, have you learned
your lesson?
Yes, sir.
All right.
I want you to get out of here and I don't
want you doing that again, all right?
Right.
That's all you're gonna do
to him?
You betcha.
He's fighting back, and I like that.
A lot more people ought to
start fighting back, you know.
If someone shoves you,
you shove right back.
Didn't go too well
with Christine, huh?
It went fine.
It went great.
You know, we talked.
We had some meaningful dialogue.
We agreed we're going out
with other people.
I knew it.
Doggone it. Why do women
always have to do this?
This is Doris Steckler
all over again.
For three years I thought
we had a good thing going on.
I walk in a hardware store
one day,
and there she is
with Roy Nybo.
Caught them
in galvanized pipes.
That's not the problem.
The problem with women is they
always want you to define everything.
I tell you, it's a trap,
and I'm not gonna step into it.
What are you going to do?
If Christine can go out
Saturday night, so can ll.
You're gonna call a girl?
You betcha I am. All right,
who's the best looking woman
in the Athletic Department?
Okay, let's move on.
DAUBER: Great.
Who did I date before I was dating Christine?
Anybody remember that?
What about
that airline stewardess,
used to fly
for Northwest?
She was great.
What was her name?
Stacy? Tracy?
Stacy.
Tracy flew with Delta.
Right. Who's the blonde?
Brenda. Piedmont.
Boy, I tell you, I did some heavy
recruiting back then, didn't 1?
Well, this isn't
going to be a problem.
No problem at all.
I'm the Head Football Coach.
I'm a high profile guy
around here.
Shouldn't have any trouble
getting set up Saturday
for a night on the town.
I'll tell you something,
fellas, as of now,
the Fox is back in the hunt.
Hi, guys.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Brought some beer.
Boy, this ought to be fun.
We haven't done this in along time.
We've never done this.
I tell you, we got
the game on the tube,
we're gonna have some beers.
Hey, hey, hey!
What smells good?
That, my friends,
is the Fox's five alarm chili.
All right.
What do you think?
Mmm.
(GASPING) What do you say we
pop open a couple of beers?
Boy, this is gonna be great.
I don't know why we don't do this
more often on Saturday nights.
I do. You're always
with Christine.
Yeah, well, not tonight.
I'm telling you, no one even
bring up the name of Christine.
Probably hopping
in the shower right by now.
Tell you, you know,
her idea of a good time
is going to an art gallery opening
with Mr. Smooth Hair? Fine.
Tonight we're gonna eat some
chili, drink some beers,
see who can burp the loudest.
(BURPING)
Daub's in.
Okay, what do you
want to do first?
I got to go
to the bathroom.
Okay, you go
to the bathroom.
Daub and I
will deal out the cards.
Hey, Luth?
Yeah?
Keep that seat up, will you?
Okay.
(TOILET SEAT SLAMMING UP)
BOTH: Whoa!
All right, Daub,
what do you wanna play?
Let's warm them up
with a little five card draw.
Okay. None of that weenie wild card
stuff, though, all right?
How much you in for?
I'll buy 20.
That's my Dauber!
Hey, these are pretty fancy chips, Coach.
Where'd you get them?
Christine gave them to me
for my birthday.
Yeah, right about now she's
probably washing her hair, Daub.
Getting ready
to see that ugly Doug.
Hayden, what's this?
That's Christine's
curling iron.
I thought it was some kind of
fancy hot dog maker.
Give me that.
I don't want to hear any more about Christine.
Now come on, let's play some cards.
What are we playing?
Five draw. We're in for 20.
Okay.
These are nice chips.
Just play, Luther.
What's wild?
Nothing.
I'm out.
Come on, don't fold now.
You haven't even anted, Luth.
I'm gonna turn on the game.
All right, it's just you and me, Daub.
How many you need?
I'll play these.
I'm out.
MAN ON TV: Christine
Armstrong, Channel 6 News.
Hey, look who's on TV.
Weeknights at 5:00.
She's on your side,
Minneapolis.
Come on, Luther,
turn that off, will you?
Jeez, I can't get away from
that woman even for one minute.
It's 6:00.
Old Dougie-boy's probably gonna
be picking her up about 7:30.
You guys want to eat?
Yeah.
Sure.
Okay, well, there's bowls in the cupboard,
you can go ahead and dish it out.
You going to Minneapolis?
Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
CHRISTINE: Coming.
Hi.
Hayden?
Is he here?
No. Why are you here?
I'm ready to define.
What?
I'm want to define
our relationship.
Come on, give me something
to sign, I'll sign it.
I don't want you
to sign anything.
I'm not even pushing for that.
Well, how would you
want to define it?
Well, I just don't want you to
go out with this guy tonight.
I don't want you to go out
with anybody but me.
Well, okay,
that's a definition.
You want us to be monogamous.
I don't know.
That sounds kind of religious
or scientific, Christine.
I mean...
Well, then, what do you want?
Well, I...
I want...
I want...
(MUMBLING)
I want to go steady.
Steady?
Yeah. Yeah, I know it's
a big step for us, Christine.
I know we haven't wanted
to cross this thing over.
I know we're not ready for it,
but I think I am, Christine.
I got to tell you,
I really think I'm ready.
To go steady.
Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hey, wait. I got to know now,
'cause I got a feeling that's him.
Hayden, just give me a minute.
Let me get the door.
No! No! If you agree to the steady
thing, it starts now.
Okay.
Yes, I'll go steady with you.
Wow!
Thanks.
But [ still have to
answer the door.
No. We should
seal it with a kiss.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
CHRISTINE: Hi.
Hi.
Hi!
Hi.
(HESITATING)
Hi. I'm sorry.
This is Hayden Fox.
Hayden, this is Doug Stafford.
How you doing, chief?
Doug, this is
a little awkward, I know.
But, see,
what happened is this.
Hayden and I have been seeing
each other for two years,
and he dropped in a little
unexpectedly tonight
to ask me to
go steady with him.
And I have accepted.
Steady?
Yeah, I guess it means cappuccino
for one tonight, huh, Dougie?
CHRISTINE: Hayden.
I really didn't know
this was going to happen,
but since he's driven
all the way here,
I really think I should back
out of our plans for tonight.
Do you hate me?
No, I understand.
I'm happy for you.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hi.
Hi. Christine Armstrong?
Susan?
Yes. Hi.
A policeman made me
move the car.
I wasn't sure you guys
would know where it was.
Oh, well, please come in.
This is Hayden Fox.
Hayden, this is Susan,
Doug's fiancee.
You're engaged?
Yes.
See, they've been
going steady for a while.
Well, we'll have to
get going here.
If you two would like to join
us, you're more than welcome.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
But thank you anyway.
Doug will explain.
Nice to meet you, Hayden.
HAYDEN: Good to meet you.
Christine, I'll see you on
Monday, and congratulations.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you, Susan.
Same here.
Nice meeting you.
You, too.
I didn't know he was engaged.
Susan just got back from Europe two
days ago and Doug popped the question.
Isn't that exciting?
But when I got here tonight,
you knew he was engaged.
What's your point?
My point is that
if you knew he was engaged,
then I didn't have to...
Make that giant commitment?
No, no, you didn't.
Do you want to back out?
No.
No, it's...
It's gonna take me a couple of days
to get used to it. I mean, you know...
Big adjustment, Christine.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, but I don't know.
I just got a feeling that this relationship
should start
moving forward, huh?
Well, thank you, Hayden,
I do, too.
Gee.
(LAUGHING)
We're going steady.
Gosh, I don't know.
I just feel that I ought
to give you something.
You mean like your class ring?
No, I meant
something meaningful.
Well,
if you really want to do
something meaningful, Hayden,
why don't you take me
to the gallery opening?
Okay, all right. All right.
All right, let's go.
Hey, Christine, I know.
Why don't I take you downtown
and buy you a VCR? Huh?
filmed before a studio audience.
Well, guess who's not
coming to Minnesota State.
Guess. Billy La Cava.
Can you believe it?
Doggone it, that kid
had everything.
Size, speed, an arm like a cannon.
And he was smart.
Smart? Are you kidding?
He was a straight-A student.
Where's he going?
Harvard.
Harvard?
To play football?
Harvard. I guess he's not
as smart as we thought he was.
Harvard?
At Harvard, he's not
going to be surrounded
with the kind of quality
players that we have here.
Coach, could you come out to
the practice field for a minute?
We've got a little problem.
What's up, Daub?
Fred is stuck
to the goal post.
What?
Well, you know it's really
cold out there today,
and Danny dared Fred to lay
his tongue on the goal post,
and he did, and his tongue
froze, and now he's stuck to it.
Oh, jeez. All right. Well, get a bucket of warm water.
We'll meet you out there.
I mean, Harvard! Why would
a kid want to go to Harvard?
Honest to God, I think that's the
dumbest thing I've ever seen anybody do.
I mean, who would stick their
tongue to a frozen goal post?
Well, we didn't recruit
Fred Webb for his brains,
we recruited him because he's a building.
He falls on people.
Where do you want me
to put him, Coach?
Yeah, just put him
on the couch there.
I want to have
a talk with him.
You want any ice
for your tongue, Fred?
(GROANS)
Fred, bud, now I know
you're in a lot of pain,
so this isn't gonna
take long, but I just
feel that I wouldn't be
doing my job as a coach
if ll didn't have
this little talk with you now.
Son, you're a doofus.
Yeah, I know you don't like hearing
that, and I don't like saying it,
but that's what you are,
you know.
You are the team doofus.
You're the guy the team's
always dumping on.
How many times have you fallen for that
old "Bengay in the jockstrap" gag, huh?
And how many times have you found
your helmet filled with shaving cream?
How many times have they taped you naked
to a toilet and just left you there?
I guess I thought that
had happened to everybody.
Fred, you know, I'm talking
about your future here.
Now, you don't want to be a doofus
the rest of your life, do you?
Come on, you want to grow up,
you wanna have Kids, and have a wife,
and have friends
that respect you.
I mean, you don't wanna end up
passing out shoes in a bowling alley.
Hayden, that's
what his dad does.
Really?
(HAYDEN SIGHS)
Fred, I guess what
I'm trying to say is that,
I think you got
a lot of potential, you know.
You can do
anything you want to do.
(PHONE RINGING)
Coach's office.
Anyway, Fred,
the next time Danny dares you to
touch your tongue to the goal post
or to chug
a tub of Gatorade...
Excuse me, Coach,
it's Christine.
Tell her I'll be
with her in a sec.
The next time
any of that stuff happens,
I want you to think about it and
I don't want you to do it, okay?
Because you're
smarter than that, Fred.
All right. Now, you go out and
take a shower and soak your tongue,
and we'll see you
at practice tomorrow, huh?
Yeah, Christine, sorry to make you wait.
What's up, honey?
I just wanted to know if
you're doing anything tonight.
Tonight? I could make myself
available. Why?
Well, I just got two tickets
to the opera.
It's La Boheme,
and I was wondering if you want to go.
To the opera?
I take it you don't.
Well, I mean, it's not that
I don't wanna be with you.
But you know
that I hate opera.
I mean, it's long and boring,
and I don't understand Spanish, honey.
I mean, jeez,
HAYDEN: / don't see how
people really like that stuff.
Yeah, well, I do.
But forget it.
It was just a bad idea.
I just thought you might enjoy
watching something for a change
that didn't have
a beer commercial in it.
Oh, no, not really,
but thanks for asking me.
HAYDEN: Can you ask
someone else to go with you?
Fine. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, okay, but I will see you
this weekend, won't 1?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, have fun at La Bamba.
She wants you to go
to the opera?
I mean, can you believe that?
(COACH EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Huh.
Coach, I just wanted to tell you that
my tongue feels a whole lot better.
Oh, that's good, Fred.
And I told those guys
what you said,
and I told them I just wasn't
gonna be a doofus anymore,
and I think they
respected me for it.
They all slapped me
on the back and shook my hand
and they promised they wouldn't
play no more dirty tricks on me.
You know something?
I'm glad to hear that, Fred.
I thought you would be.
I'll see you later. All right.
Oh, there you are.
Hey, sweetheart. Come on in.
Am I interrupting something?
If 1 am, I can come back later.
No, no. I was just
diagramming a play here.
Oh, really? I've never seen you do that before.
What kind of play is that?
This? It's a green 47.
What does that mean?
Well, green indicates that it's a pass play.
And that means that the number four
back on the right-hand side, see,
is gonna run
a fly pattern
through the number seven hole on
the left-hand side of the line.
Then the split end's gonna run
a decoy post pattern.
And if all else fails, then
the fullback's gonna release
across the middle,
there's a safety valve.
Oh. That's cute.
Well, we'll keep it in
for next season, then.
(KELLY LAUGHING)
So, what's up?
Well, I just came by to pay you back the
$20 that I borrowed from you last week.
Oh, gee, I'd forgotten all about it.
Well, I hadn't.
I'm trying to manage my money
a little better.
Oh, I like that.
That's responsible.
Yeah. Don't deposit it quite yet.
I had to postdate it a little bit.
Next month?
Well, yeah. I'm hoping.
Hayden... Oh, hi, Kelly.
I'm sorry, is this personal?
Oh, business. I was paying
back Dad some money I owed him.
Hayden, listen, I'd be the last person
in the world who'd try to upset you,
but have you seen the Arts and Fashion
section in the newspaper this morning?
Hmm, let me think.
Arts and Fashion.
No, I don't think I did, Luth.
No, neither did I. I was changing my bird
cage, and Christine was in it.
What? She wasn't in the bird
cage, she was in the...
Here, you can see. See for yourself.
What's she doing in the paper?
She had a date with a guy
named Doug. Went to the opera.
What the hell is this?
That's just what I thought.
You didn't know, did you?
I wish I hadn't have seen it.
Damn bird.
"Pictured above is Channel 6
newscaster Christine Armstrong,
"accompanied by
"station vice-president
Douglas Stafford
"at the opening of
La Boheemie."
You're upset, aren't you? I don't blame you.
I wish I hadn't told you.
No, I'm glad you told me.
I mean, it's nice to know
the other guys
that my girlfriend
is going out with.
Dad, you don't know
that they're going out.
I mean, maybe it was a business thing.
Maybe he had an extra ticket.
No, they were Christine's tickets.
I know. She asked me to go.
Well, then why didn't you?
Come on. Me? To the opera?
Hey, I'd rather have my knee drained.
Well, Dad, that's why
she asked someone else.
Yeah, but why did she ask another guy?
I mean, what the hell is she doing?
I can't believe you're
getting upset about this, Dad.
I mean, they're
probably just friends.
I'm sure they know each other
from the station.
And they've probably worked
together a long time.
Oh, he's cute.
Let me see that.
Hell, he is cute,
isn't he?
I'm going to get rid
of that bird.
It's been nothing but trouble
ever since I got it.
Oh, come on. She's just trying to make me
jealous, that's what this is.
I see through it.
I'm not gonna fall for it.
Dad, before you go
getting all crazy,
why don't you pick up the
phone, call Christine,
and find out
what it's all about?
That's a good idea.
Where are you going?
Minneapolis.
It's a shame he had to
find out about this.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, yeah, I was just
getting ready to leave. Why?
Oh, okay, well, if you can
have a film crew meet me there,
I can do it before I come in.
What airline?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Just a second. Got it.
Okay. Who do I contact
when I get there?
All right. Great.
Call you from the airport. Bye.
Hi! Hayden,
what are you doing here?
Oh, I don't know.
I got up this morning, read the paper,
really felt like
taking a drive.
To Minneapolis?
Well, you know, I didn't get
a chance to see you last night
and I was just kind of curious
how the opera went.
Well, I'm just
on my way to the airport.
The president of Nepal
has been visiting
and he's giving
a press conference
just before he leaves.
Uh-huh. He can wait.
What is going on?
Why don't you tell me?
Oh. Hayden, is that
what this is about?
You drove all the way here
in the middle of the day
because I went to the opera
with Doug?
Doug?
His name is Doug,
what would you want me to call him?
Christine, why would you ask another
guy to go to the opera with you?
Because my guy wouldn't go.
Well, why didn't you
ask a girlfriend?
1 did. I asked Barbara.
She was going
with her guy.
Yeah, right. So the next person
in line was Doug Gorgeous.
I don't believe this. Hayden,
I don't have time for this.
Do you know how bad this
is going to make me look?
I mean, come on, Page 1,
"Hayden's woman goes out
with another man"?
"Hayden's woman"?
Oh, come on,
you know what I mean.
I mean, don't try to turn that
remark into some kind of insult
to your entire gender.
Look, I asked you to go
to the opera, you said no.
Doug and I are friends.
I happen to know that Doug likes the opera,
I asked him. He said he'd go.
We had dinner, a cappuccino afterward,
and then he brought me home.
That's all there was to it.
I'm sorry if that was misunderstood,
but it's not my problem.
(PHONE RINGING) Well,
couldn't you have been considerate enough
to just tell me that before Luther
had to show it to me in the newspaper?
What was Luther doing reading
the Arts and Fashion section?
Hey, Luther will
surprise you.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Oh, well, thanks, I thought it
was a nice picture of you, too.
Is that him?
Yeah.
Oh, really, really,
that isn't necessary.
Well, what's he want?
Do I have to take this
in the bedroom?
Doug, I'm sorry,
could you say that again?
There was a noise
in the room.
Oh, well, actually, that sounds like
fun, but could I get back to you?
I've got a film crew waiting.
(STAMMERING) I'll see you
later at the station, okay?
Great. Thank you. Bye.
He asked you out
on a date, didn't he?
He wants to be polite and he's
paying me back for last night.
Why, what did you do?
Hayden, he wants to take me
to an art gallery opening.
Well, that's a date.
Date number two.
I didn't even say I'd go!
What if I told you
I didn't want you to go?
What right have you got to tell
me you don't want me to go?
Who's talking about rights?
Now you're bringing the Constitution into this.
God, doggone it,
I just thought
we had something going here.
You know, Christine?
Just a simple going thing.
I really don't understand what my going out
with a friend has to do with you and me.
All right, you can go ahead and
call him a friend if you want to,
but I'm not stupid.
I know guys.
I mean, he's trying to move in
on my territory,
and I don't mean "territory" in
a chauvinistic sense, either.
Well, Hayden, if anyone sees an
opportunity to "move in," as you say,
maybe that's because you've
never defined your territory.
Now, I know you don't like to feel trapped.
I've never even tried to pin you down.
But if you want to define our
relationship, I'm all for that.
No, I don't want to
define anything, Christine.
I want to leave things
as they are.
Fine. I have no problem
with that.
But that means you can't get crazy if I
want to go out to the opera with a friend.
(SCOFFING)
I see where this is going.
All right.
All right. I can go out
with friends, too.
What is that supposed to mean?
Hey, I don't have to define
anything, Christine,
you know what friends are.
I think I'm gonna go back home
and I'm gonna call a few of mine.
Fine! Then I'll call Doug and tell him I
can go to the gallery on Saturday night.
Fine!
Fine!
Super!
Fabulous!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION)
Yes, what is it?
Well, then get a shot of his plane
leaving, and I'll narrate it.
LUTHER: I don't know what
the Coach is going to say.
But I'll tell you one thing,
he's not going to be very happy.
See?
What are you guys
doing here?
We got a little problem,
Coach.
Fred has run amok.
What? He decided to
get back at everybody.
So he taped
all the lockers shut.
Then he put rubber cement
in everyone's mouthpiece.
Then he went out, he tied
Danny's ankles together
and ran him up the flagpole.
We got him down. I don't think he's
going to be much good at practice today.
Fred, is this true?
Yeah, it is, Coach.
I just couldn't
take it anymore.
Something snapped.
You're lucky it wasn't
the rope on the flagpole.
You realize how serious
this is, don't you, Fred?
Yes, sir.
I can't let a thing like this go
without some disciplinary action.
I understand, Coach.
You get down there
and you do some push-ups.
All right, that's good.
Now, have you learned
your lesson?
Yes, sir.
All right.
I want you to get out of here and I don't
want you doing that again, all right?
Right.
That's all you're gonna do
to him?
You betcha.
He's fighting back, and I like that.
A lot more people ought to
start fighting back, you know.
If someone shoves you,
you shove right back.
Didn't go too well
with Christine, huh?
It went fine.
It went great.
You know, we talked.
We had some meaningful dialogue.
We agreed we're going out
with other people.
I knew it.
Doggone it. Why do women
always have to do this?
This is Doris Steckler
all over again.
For three years I thought
we had a good thing going on.
I walk in a hardware store
one day,
and there she is
with Roy Nybo.
Caught them
in galvanized pipes.
That's not the problem.
The problem with women is they
always want you to define everything.
I tell you, it's a trap,
and I'm not gonna step into it.
What are you going to do?
If Christine can go out
Saturday night, so can ll.
You're gonna call a girl?
You betcha I am. All right,
who's the best looking woman
in the Athletic Department?
Okay, let's move on.
DAUBER: Great.
Who did I date before I was dating Christine?
Anybody remember that?
What about
that airline stewardess,
used to fly
for Northwest?
She was great.
What was her name?
Stacy? Tracy?
Stacy.
Tracy flew with Delta.
Right. Who's the blonde?
Brenda. Piedmont.
Boy, I tell you, I did some heavy
recruiting back then, didn't 1?
Well, this isn't
going to be a problem.
No problem at all.
I'm the Head Football Coach.
I'm a high profile guy
around here.
Shouldn't have any trouble
getting set up Saturday
for a night on the town.
I'll tell you something,
fellas, as of now,
the Fox is back in the hunt.
Hi, guys.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Brought some beer.
Boy, this ought to be fun.
We haven't done this in along time.
We've never done this.
I tell you, we got
the game on the tube,
we're gonna have some beers.
Hey, hey, hey!
What smells good?
That, my friends,
is the Fox's five alarm chili.
All right.
What do you think?
Mmm.
(GASPING) What do you say we
pop open a couple of beers?
Boy, this is gonna be great.
I don't know why we don't do this
more often on Saturday nights.
I do. You're always
with Christine.
Yeah, well, not tonight.
I'm telling you, no one even
bring up the name of Christine.
Probably hopping
in the shower right by now.
Tell you, you know,
her idea of a good time
is going to an art gallery opening
with Mr. Smooth Hair? Fine.
Tonight we're gonna eat some
chili, drink some beers,
see who can burp the loudest.
(BURPING)
Daub's in.
Okay, what do you
want to do first?
I got to go
to the bathroom.
Okay, you go
to the bathroom.
Daub and I
will deal out the cards.
Hey, Luth?
Yeah?
Keep that seat up, will you?
Okay.
(TOILET SEAT SLAMMING UP)
BOTH: Whoa!
All right, Daub,
what do you wanna play?
Let's warm them up
with a little five card draw.
Okay. None of that weenie wild card
stuff, though, all right?
How much you in for?
I'll buy 20.
That's my Dauber!
Hey, these are pretty fancy chips, Coach.
Where'd you get them?
Christine gave them to me
for my birthday.
Yeah, right about now she's
probably washing her hair, Daub.
Getting ready
to see that ugly Doug.
Hayden, what's this?
That's Christine's
curling iron.
I thought it was some kind of
fancy hot dog maker.
Give me that.
I don't want to hear any more about Christine.
Now come on, let's play some cards.
What are we playing?
Five draw. We're in for 20.
Okay.
These are nice chips.
Just play, Luther.
What's wild?
Nothing.
I'm out.
Come on, don't fold now.
You haven't even anted, Luth.
I'm gonna turn on the game.
All right, it's just you and me, Daub.
How many you need?
I'll play these.
I'm out.
MAN ON TV: Christine
Armstrong, Channel 6 News.
Hey, look who's on TV.
Weeknights at 5:00.
She's on your side,
Minneapolis.
Come on, Luther,
turn that off, will you?
Jeez, I can't get away from
that woman even for one minute.
It's 6:00.
Old Dougie-boy's probably gonna
be picking her up about 7:30.
You guys want to eat?
Yeah.
Sure.
Okay, well, there's bowls in the cupboard,
you can go ahead and dish it out.
You going to Minneapolis?
Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
CHRISTINE: Coming.
Hi.
Hayden?
Is he here?
No. Why are you here?
I'm ready to define.
What?
I'm want to define
our relationship.
Come on, give me something
to sign, I'll sign it.
I don't want you
to sign anything.
I'm not even pushing for that.
Well, how would you
want to define it?
Well, I just don't want you to
go out with this guy tonight.
I don't want you to go out
with anybody but me.
Well, okay,
that's a definition.
You want us to be monogamous.
I don't know.
That sounds kind of religious
or scientific, Christine.
I mean...
Well, then, what do you want?
Well, I...
I want...
I want...
(MUMBLING)
I want to go steady.
Steady?
Yeah. Yeah, I know it's
a big step for us, Christine.
I know we haven't wanted
to cross this thing over.
I know we're not ready for it,
but I think I am, Christine.
I got to tell you,
I really think I'm ready.
To go steady.
Yeah.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hey, wait. I got to know now,
'cause I got a feeling that's him.
Hayden, just give me a minute.
Let me get the door.
No! No! If you agree to the steady
thing, it starts now.
Okay.
Yes, I'll go steady with you.
Wow!
Thanks.
But [ still have to
answer the door.
No. We should
seal it with a kiss.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
CHRISTINE: Hi.
Hi.
Hi!
Hi.
(HESITATING)
Hi. I'm sorry.
This is Hayden Fox.
Hayden, this is Doug Stafford.
How you doing, chief?
Doug, this is
a little awkward, I know.
But, see,
what happened is this.
Hayden and I have been seeing
each other for two years,
and he dropped in a little
unexpectedly tonight
to ask me to
go steady with him.
And I have accepted.
Steady?
Yeah, I guess it means cappuccino
for one tonight, huh, Dougie?
CHRISTINE: Hayden.
I really didn't know
this was going to happen,
but since he's driven
all the way here,
I really think I should back
out of our plans for tonight.
Do you hate me?
No, I understand.
I'm happy for you.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hi.
Hi. Christine Armstrong?
Susan?
Yes. Hi.
A policeman made me
move the car.
I wasn't sure you guys
would know where it was.
Oh, well, please come in.
This is Hayden Fox.
Hayden, this is Susan,
Doug's fiancee.
You're engaged?
Yes.
See, they've been
going steady for a while.
Well, we'll have to
get going here.
If you two would like to join
us, you're more than welcome.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
But thank you anyway.
Doug will explain.
Nice to meet you, Hayden.
HAYDEN: Good to meet you.
Christine, I'll see you on
Monday, and congratulations.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you, Susan.
Same here.
Nice meeting you.
You, too.
I didn't know he was engaged.
Susan just got back from Europe two
days ago and Doug popped the question.
Isn't that exciting?
But when I got here tonight,
you knew he was engaged.
What's your point?
My point is that
if you knew he was engaged,
then I didn't have to...
Make that giant commitment?
No, no, you didn't.
Do you want to back out?
No.
No, it's...
It's gonna take me a couple of days
to get used to it. I mean, you know...
Big adjustment, Christine.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, but I don't know.
I just got a feeling that this relationship
should start
moving forward, huh?
Well, thank you, Hayden,
I do, too.
Gee.
(LAUGHING)
We're going steady.
Gosh, I don't know.
I just feel that I ought
to give you something.
You mean like your class ring?
No, I meant
something meaningful.
Well,
if you really want to do
something meaningful, Hayden,
why don't you take me
to the gallery opening?
Okay, all right. All right.
All right, let's go.
Hey, Christine, I know.
Why don't I take you downtown
and buy you a VCR? Huh?