Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 3, Episode 5 - New Beginnings - full transcript

KATE RUSBY: # We are
the Village Green Preservation Society

# God save Donald Duck

# Vaudeville and variety

# We are
the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society

# God save strawberry jam

# And all the different varieties... #

- Hiya.
- Oh, hi.

Where are you going?

Vicarage-sitting for Hilary
till he gets back.

- Oh, I bet you never leave!
- (LAUGHS)

- # ...For me and for you... #
- Go!



# ._.What more can we do? #

Wakey!

Come and get your toothbrush,
darling,

and your towels
and anything else you need.

Your football!

Tash, are you sure you want
to take Raphy,

because you know he hasn't
really lived in the van that much,

and 1 don't mind having him.

Mum, you are the one who's
always saying he's like my son.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Go over to the house and get the rest
of the stuff you need.

- Come on, come on, help!
- I am doing this.

Where is Spike?

He's never around when you need him.



So, I think, like, to move it,
I should be the one driving it,

because I have, like,
HGV experience with horseboxes.

So, yes. And Spike is on his postal round,

so he's just going to have
to join us there.

0K, cool. Um...we should secure
everything in the van.

Have you got anything precious?

Um, only...only my runes,
and they may actually be semiprecious.

Mum thinks they're...
they're plastic.

Hi, everybody. Ooh, what's happening?

- They're leaving! Hurrah.
- Ooh! Are you off?

Yeah, Tish has found us
a really cool site - a level one.

- Oh!
- I know, it's so cool

It's at the stables
where I sometimes work.

So, it's, like, really good for...

- Horses.
- No, for water.

- We can, like, use their showers.
- Mmm!

And if the ponies aren't in use,
you can use them.

Oh, my God!

Come on, let's get the rest of
this stuff out of the house.

Ho!

- Where have you been?
- 1 arrive, fair maidens.

Does my chariot await?

- Idiot.
- Ready to travel, ready for adventure,

to wander this fair land,
this Albion.

Just strap it on the back
and do some work!

- Oh. You're going to miss them.
- No.

No, you will

Never mind us. What about you?

- What?
- You and the vicar.

Oh, don't! I'm blushing.

No, you're not, actually.

No. It's lovely.

- He's lovely!
- (THEY LAUGH)

Listen, I want to talk at length.
I want to hear everything.

Let me get rid of them,
and then we'll catch up later.

You don't have to stay, you know.

Well, I should really. This has been
a designated trouble spot.

Oh, no, no. I'm not at war
with Jock any more. Truce.

Oh!

- But raised voices have been heard.
- Not recently.

Things stay on the books, Sal

Oh. So, what major incidents
have you got in your book, then?

Ooh...
vegetables stolen from the allotment,

dustbin bag blowing
dangerously in the road,

slippy pavements on North Street.
The list goes on and on.

What a dangerous world we live in(!)

You'd better keep an eye
on their van, then.

- (ENGINE OUTSIDE)
- Ooh. Whoo!

I love that Land Rover.

Oh, more traffic
1 may have to safety-bollard.

Bye!

And she's coming up
to the final double...

She's gonna win the Olympics...

Hang on, Ginny!

BOTH: Yay!

Are you gonna, like,
take your showjumping set?

- Yeah, course.
- Cos you've got so many jumps.

Yeah, and I'm gonna
take my rosettes.

Yeah, well, you earned them.

- Thank you.
- Look, well done.

- Oh...
- Oh, look!

That is so adorable!

- What are you doing?
- We're packing.

No, you're not.
You're chatting.

I didn"t know we were, like,
on a schedule, Mother.

Life is on a schedule, Tash.

Now, Tash. When you go
and you take Raph with you,

you are
going to have to get it together.

Yeah, 1 know.

- You are his mother.
- Yeah, 1 know.

You are going to have to start
organising things for him,

like nits, eye test, teeth...

Oh, my God. Is there, like,
a tooth test as well?

No. You are going to have to know
the name of his teacher

and the name of his best friend.

- I'm his best friend, Mum.
- No!

You are his mother. Now, come on.

Let's get this show on the road.

Excuse me, the KerPlunk seems to have
found its way onto the so-called van.

Yeah, well, it's mine, so...

No way. Dad bought it for me. When have
you ever played any board games?

Yeah, well, it was in my room, so...

Well, it was always kept in
the airing cupboard, so I've no idea why.

Hi, James.

Oh. Hello.

Hi. It's...Tish, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. 1.1 remember.

So, um, are you still doing Pony Club?

- No.
- Why?

Yeah, apparently they won't let you do it
after you're 21 or something.

Oh, right. My pony died.

- Oh, no. Charcoal?
- Yeah.

- Oh, no. That is so sad.
- It was, really sad.

Do you remember my pony? Mousie?

Yeah. She had, like, sweet itch.

Yeah, that was really scabby.
Had to be put down.

No! Couldn't they have treated it?

No, it lad to be put down.

Oh, that's really sad.

KerPlunk?

Well, you know,
she always gets everything.

- Ooh!
- You all right?

- Just take it easy, Mum.
- Yeah, I'm OK.

I wish you looked after yourself better.

Oh, I wilL As soon as they've gone,
I'll be fine.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you...

No...look, let's just get Tash gone.

Oh, yes. (SIGHS)

What?

Nothing.

It's just...that's the way
it's always been, that's allL

"Let me just get Tash sorted,
and I'll be with you."

"Let me get Tash sorted.”
I've been hearing it my entire life.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Just as long as you're aware
that she is unsortable.

She's the human embodiment
of the chaos theory.

My time will never come.

Oh, God. Yes, it will

Come to dinner tonight.
Just the two of us.

Ah, the brave knight does battle
with the lid of a Miillerlight

- All right?
- Finally going, then?

Forgive me if 1 don't wave you off.

New England awaits.
The dream begins.

Let's hope the van starts.

How goes it with yours?

My what?

Your dreams. Politics.

Fight for the people.

- Are you taking the piss?
- No, no. Grasp the sword, my friend.

This country needs good men.

Courage is what it takes
to stand up and speak.

"Courage is also what it takes
to sit down and listen" - Churchill

Ah, Sir Winston.

Right about so many things...

Oh, except golf.

- Bye-bye, darling.
- Bye!

- Bye-bye.
- I'IL help guide them out.

Off to Albion. Our England.
A land that is not blood.

No, nor money, nor tarmac,
nor Burger King. No, no, no.

It is rivers and rocks
and pastures and abundance.

Onwards for common wealth
on common ground.

English tosspot.

(GEARS GRIND)

- Bye!
- Bye.

Ah!

Everyone's on their way!

Nobody move the van!
Whole building might collapse!

- Tash!
- Oh, my God!

- Bloody hell Van rebelled!
- Oh, God, are you all right?!

You got the wrong gear,
you silly girl!

Please step away from the vehicle,
so I can tape it off.

JOCK: Why doesn't everybody go inside,
and I'll sort it out?

- Look at my house!
- JOCK: Go and have a cup of tea.

- What?!
- JOCK: No panic. Nobody's hurt.

(SIRENS WAIL)

Slight overreaction.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRR)

Oh, bloody brilliant!

Hey, Raph. Look at that, mate!

- Whoa!
- Oh, crikey.

Oh, my God. How bad & it?

Will you be able to get anyone
to do it for me?

Rildoit
1 can spare a few evenings.

Oh, thanks.

We've got the beer.

- Ow!
- Oh, sorry.

It's not #rat bad.
It didn't need stitches.

Yes, it did.
You just didn't want to do them!

Same thing.

I'm sorry about this, darling.

They're only gonna have their pizza
and then they'll be pushing off.

- Aren't you, Tash?
- My sister, the human boomerang.

Tt doesn't matter how hard you throw
her out, she keeps coming back

- and cracking you on the head.
- (SNIGGERS)

The thing is, through my experience
with horseboxes,

I know that, like,
everything is in reverse,

so if you want to go left,
then you have to turn the wheel right,

if you're, like,
looking in the mirror.

So, to go forwards,
you go backwards?

Um, only if you're looking
in the mirror, I think.

Raph's asleep in your bed if that's OK?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Back from the crusade so soon?

Hey! My dream's suspended,
but yours...

Yes.

Politics is good for you.

Are you really not taking the piss?

- Nope.
- Are you encouraging him?

Yeah, because we're all so blinded

by this media-centric view
of politicians as crooks and fools,

we forget it is in fact
an honourable and brilliant system.

- Spike?
- Well said, son.

Journalists slagging off politicians

is like estate agents slagging off
traffic wardens.

- You can keep your nose out.
- Thank you.

Yeah, and can you stop
building up my brother, please?

Somebody has to.

Look, if the only alternative
to real politicians

is Esther Rantzen,
then God help us alL

- SPIKE: Yeah.
- (JOCK LAUGHS)

All right. Come on, you lot, eat up.
You're not staying in here tonight.

- Why not?
- Well, your van is fine.

Your van isn't damaged. It's my
bloody house that's falling down.

Yeah, um, I do actually feel
a little bit responsible for that.

Maybe that's because you are
a little bit responsible.

Well, thank God you're here.

So, are you staying at the pub?

I am.

- The van's really, really messy.
- Well, tidy it, then.

Tash, you can't keep thinking
of this house as an annex.

Anyway, I'm clearing out your room.

Why?! What for?

Because I'm going
to move the bathroom upstairs,

I'm going to redecorate
and I'm going to make this house mine.

- And I'm going to join the gym, James.
- Good.

Oh, my God. You sound so like my mother

when she was going through
the whole, like, menopause-y thing.

It's a completely new life.

My mum's even found this really cool guy
and now she has loads of sex.

That's enough, thanks, Tish.

No, but I mean, how could you
live without having sex?

You know, and it is allowed
when you're old.

My mother's absolutely loving it

and she says actually it's a lot better
than when she was young.

- So, um, do you think that you...?
- No.

No.

Of course, it's right to be open about it

- You're a healthy, attractive woman.
- Thank you.

- Stop talking now, please.
- Spoons.

- Pardon?
- Spoons. Yeah.

That's how old people do it
I saw it on Richard and Judy.

Please stop talking now.

Aw!

Weird!

- So, do you two want a baby?
- Well..

Cos... Oh, my God. I mean, I don't know
how you would go about doing this legally,

- but you could always...
- Tish! That's enough.

We are trying.

Are you? Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Yes, we are actually now
officially trying.

Oh, my God. That's wonderful!

No, it isn't That's just like saying,
"Now we are..." you know,

"Everyone, we are having sex.”

You know? "Hey, everyone.”
Loud-hailer. "Sex!"

- Sounds like the theme of the evening.
- I'm so sorry.

No, by trying, 1 mean that
1 bought things off the internet.

Like charts, thermometers, all the stuff.

Thermometers?

Yes. To take the temperature
of my tongue.

Have you considered just shagging?

Hey, kids - good for the dream.

OK, let's not get back on to politics.
Come on.

Tish, Tash, Tosh, Spike.

Buzz off. Come on.

See you in the morning.

I think I might head off too.

OK. Well, I might stay and have a minute
with Mum,

unless you need me to come and...

Oh, no, it's fine. I'm not ovulating.

Are you all right?

Yeah. And you?

Yeah.

But I'm going to go on a health kick.

I've got a pair of jeans up there
that are a measure of how fat I am.

And I will be in them
at the end of next week

No, it's not about weight.

No, 1 know.
But 1 am going to go on a diet.

And I'm going to give up drink
and I'm going to give up sugar

- and I'm going to give up f...
- Fags.

1 was going 10 say food, actually,

because 1 practically don't smoke now.

(JOCK COUGHS)

- Oh, shut up.
- Please try and give them up.

- You'll put on weight if you stop.
- No! No! 1 can drop weight like that.

I'm going to give up the beer.
I might try Slim-Fast.

Oh, no, Mum.

Jock!

Jock, come over here, come on.
Come and drink up my wine.

Oh, my God, Jock.
1 hear Eileen's been trying to get you

to get Charles Dance
to speak at the Guild.

Oh, yeah. Very awkward.

Well, don't let Eileen bully you.

Do you know what I say to her?

1 say, "Shut up, Eileen.

"If I wanted to listen to an arsehole,
I'd have farted myself."

- You didn't say that?!
- No!

Wouldn't dare.

Go on, drink up. I've got to get rid
of all this before 1 start my diet.

Come on! This is the first day
of the rest of your life.

We are joining the gym.

Now, listen,
we're only going to start gently.

- Yes, yes!
- Because 1 know you.

- You're very competitive.
- Have you seen the gym?

No, but you can be.

1 know 1 can, but not this time, Sal,
irust me.

- Have you brought the car?
- No, 1 have not. We are walking!

- Walking?!
- Yes!

- Will the pub be open?
- The pub is for later, Sal, all right?

- We'd like to join.
- Ooh, right.

Sit down.

Well, this is the Friday Fit Club.

I don't need to show you around
the room, because it isn't that big,

and you've both been here before,
haven't you?

There is a little bit of paperwork
I need to do

before I can let you use the equipment.

1 didn't expect it
10 be so organised, really.

1 know it's crazy,
but it's our risk assessment, you see.

Health and safety. Oh, they've been
a lot stricter with us, ever since

that incident when Mary Pugh
knocked her teeth out with the dumbbells.

She's with her family now,
of course. Still spoon-fed.

Right.

Now, name? No, it's all right.

No, 1 can do that. Age?

18 to 25, 25 to 35,
35 to 49...or over 50.

How depressing for the over-50s.

You're beyond age brackets.

Not even worth breaking down
into smaller groups.

Instead of writing "over-50", you
might as well just write "nearly dead".

Right, I'll do that for you, then.
Pretty obvious, really.

Now, would you answer yes or no
to the following questions?

- Asthma?
- BOTH: No.

- Epilepsy?
- BOTH: No.

- Diabetes?
- BOTH: No.

Pregnant?

- No.
- (SNIGGERS)

- Arthritis?
- Oh, there, in my thumb...

Oh, don't worry about that.

Take some glucosamine.
I'll put no for that, then.

- Blood pressure?
- Yes.

- High or low?
- Normal, I think.

Oh, well._.there isn't an option for that,
you see.

I'll have to write that in the margin.
Oh, God, I needed a bigger form, really.

I tell you what - I can fill this form in
later on, right?

- Neither of you are dying yet, are you?
- No.

Right, well, just leave me your £1.50
when you can

and you can get on with it, then.

Oh, plenty of tea and coffee
and biscuits here.

Keep your sugar level up, see?

A gym with biscuits.
I'm going to like it here.

We have entered Cocoon.

- Slacker!
- I'm on the downhill profile.

1 can freewheel this.

Are you finished with Grazia yet?

Oh, God.

(PANTING) Glasses are all steamed up.

Well done. Most people
only come for the biscuits.

- Just off to the gym.
- Jogging all the way!

'Whoo-hoo!

Easy.

Oh!

- Bye.
- Bye.

Go on.

How come you look so good,
and I'm just getting fatter?

It's the gym biscuits.

Well, you look amazing.

I was hoping to lose a few pounds
before my birthday.

Which reminds me,
don't forget the drinks at the pub.

I want to get you drunk, feed you up,
bring you back to my level

1 do feel good, though.

Just shows how little I was doing before.

Having a laugh. A man in your life.

I haven't got a man in my life -
I've got a man in my kitchen.

- But he is a laugh.
- He's so your type.

Oh, stop it

Shut up.

I'm having good fun with him,
because it's not like that.

1 mean, it's safe,
because 1 am so not his type.

God, it's been so long
since 1 was free to be me.

Oh, 1 know.
Just be yourself and not a widow.

- Or a mother. Or a grandmother.
- (BEEPING)

Anyway, it's all totally innocent.

1 think he's got a penchant
for the younger woman, though.

Tish was all over him
like a rash the other night

1 think if 1 seriously flirted with him,
it might freak him out.

What, so you're just teasing him?

Just having a bit of fun.
Makes me feel nice!

Do you ever think about
having another man in your life?

No.

- Do you?

But, you know, I don't think
1 could put up with all the other stuff.

You know, the dating and the...

having to be smart
and friendly and clean.

And not having any control
over your own life.

I mean, I love my life.
I can do what I like.

They say the new affair
is an afternoon nap.

Oh, God.

How lovely.

Shall we?

The scandal!

Bloody hell!

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

Muscle is heavier than fat.
Remember that.

Oh, right, yeah.

Are you going to the birthday thing
at the pub tonight?

Oh, yeah.

If you hang on a minute, I'll get
my shoes on. I'll come with you.

Look, I'll see you there.
I want to clean up.

- Oh, right, clean up.
- Yeah.

- OK, see you later.
- Right.

Clean up, eh?

- Ooh, hi.
- Are you coming to Tip's thing?

Yeah. But you go ahead, cos...
I'm just going to clean up.

- You look fine.
- No, I'm just going to get changed.

You know the jeans 1 told you about?

I'm putting those on. My slim ones.

- You do look really well
- Thank you.

What a little exercise can do!

Less of the little! You look well too.

Well, yes.

Oh...?

- No.
- You're not pregnant?

- No.
- We just had sex.

Oh, great!

Well done. See you there.

Oh... Oh.

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, thanks, Kenny.

Yay!

# Happy birthday to me!

# Happy birthday to you! #

Some very fine shrooms.

Marvellous man.

Have some wine.

You all right?

Oh, no, this isn't from the accident

No. I tripped on a slippy paving stone,
chasing a stray bin bag.

- Is your mother coming down?
- I wouldn't know.

- I've been exiled.
- About time.

Hey.

- Hey!
- Do you want to come and sit with us?

Oh, um, yeah...

Actually, I'm just going to,
you know...wait for someone.

- OK.
- OK.

What about the vicar?

Oh, 1 don't know.
He's at something to do with a synod.

A convocation of...primates, 1 think.

1 don't really understand all that.

1 don't think we mere mortals
are supposed to.

The simple message of Christ
complicated into...hierarchies,

tenets, communions and sacraments.

Anglican, Catholic, Baptist, Methodist,

Da Vinci Code or Episcopalian.

It's the power of the mystery
that keeps us in our place.

Yes.

- Can 1 have a straw?
- Oh, yeah.

- Um...can you not, um...
- What?

...tell everyone we've just been...?

Oh. No, 1 won'

- Happy birthday.
- Many thanks.

Mum's just on her way.

She's, you know, cleaning up.

What?

Oh!

If you're going to sit here,
can we please not talk about babies?

- Fine.
- Or politics.

- Tim Brewer.
- What about him?

- Local MP.
- Yes?

A soft slacker and subservient fool
1 know.

How do you know?

He was my fag at Eton.

- You're a better man.
- Thank you.

- Come on, Katie-bells. Drink up!
- Oh!

- Is it happy hour?
- No.

I'm just happy all the time here.

I love it A pub is like...a womb,
and these are all my children,

and I'm the great mother,
feeding them from a large placenta.

That's not a good image, is it?

Makes me feel a bit sick, actually.

(WOLF-WHISTLE)

Sal Vine! They told me you
cleaned up. How dare you!

My God, you look so pretty!

It's so sweet.

Hi. Happy birthday.

Thank you, honey. Ooh!

- Are you doing the gym thing as well?
- Yeah. Why?

- You look great.
- Thanks.

- Are those the jeans?
- No! They wouldn't fit

- Weird.
- I know.

- Somebody must have hot-washed them.
- Wine.

- Hi.

Well, look at you, huh?

Ooh!

Excuse me.

Have a drink, Jock.

- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

When you've got a neck brace on,
your arms just aren't long enough.

- Aw, you all right?
- Yeah.

- Hot flush?
- Yeah.

Aw.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

What for?

- For making a fuss. Sorry.
- Oh, God.

You're all right. Did 1 go red?

Did everybody notice? What a fool!

No, no. That's all in your head.

It is not obvious.
I mean, 7 know because I know.

He does scrub up nicely.

Yeah.

And he doesn't always scrub up,
believe me. He's flirting.

Oh, stop it!

So, Mum and Jock.. what do we think?

"Mum and Jock..what do we think*?!

What kind of thing is this
you're saying to me, strange brother?

1 mean, they are obviously getting on
and...

how do they seem to you
and how do we feel about that?

Why are you talking weirdly like this?

Because it & a bit weird,
thinking about Mum and another man.

Well, don't think about it, then.
Please don't say anything.

Maybe 1 should have a chat with him,

- ask him about his intentions.
- No, don't say anything!

- Man to man.
- No!

- Why?
- Because it just isn't, is it, with you?

Tt just isn't man to man.

It's sixth form prefect to someone who...
doesn't really care what you think.

(SIGHS)

How old are you?

Come on, Sal

Get a grip.

Excuse me.

Where did you go?
You left me with that total nutter.

Sorry.

You look...very nice.

Thank you. So do you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

# Rows and flows of angel hair

# And ice cream castles in the air

# And feather canyons everywhere

# I've looked at clouds that way