Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 3, Episode 6 - Ladies in Lavender - full transcript

# But now they only block the sun

# They rain and snow on everyone

# So many things
I would have done... #

What? What?!

Tash.

Tash!

Where are you?

What's happened?
Have you been towed away? What?!

What?!

Lay out the custard creams, Rosie -
don't eat 'em all

It's not me that eats 'em, Eileen,
it's Margaret!



Oh, Susie, John wants me
to tell you he's got wood.

Pardon?

I had a conversation with Pauline,
very delicate,

but she's perfectly fine

about the fact that we have actually
found an alternative speaker.

Couldn't be happier, 1 should imagine!

Who is it that's coming again, Eileen?

You know who it is, Rosie.

- Mr Charles Dance.
- Is it?

- Is it really him?
- Yes, it is.

Oh! I'm going to faint!

No, you'll be fine, darlin'.

We'll all be fine.

- What will he think?
- What do you mean?



Well, will he expect more than this?

1 haven't eaten that many.

No, no, not the biscuits, Rosie,
and he's not coming today.

This is just the first
of the planning extraordinaries.

Now, Eileen, John reminded me
that his cousin,

Venetia Martin,
actually knows Charles Dance rather well,

because she did a charity cookbook thing,
and he did a cheese thing, 1 think,

so I must remember to remind him.

Yeah.

Oh! Where's he going to stay?!
Now, then...

1 must remember to put that

on my list of things to ask Jock
to tell Charles.

Don't worry about that, Eileen,
he's going to stay with me.

What?

Yeah, 1 asked Jock to ask him,
he said it would be fine.

- No. What? with you?
- Yeah.

No! That won't do.

- Ricky's away, I've got plenty of room.
- No.

Don't be silly, Eileen,
he's not going to stay in my bed with me!

He's going to stay in the kiddies' room
next door.

No, no.
Caroline, can 1 prevail with you?

I can't, really,
I've got the fumigators in.

- Oh, dear. Problem?
- Carpet munchers.

Oh, well

(THINKING) It's a simple home, Charles,
but comfortable.

No, I don't mind sleeping downstairs
in Daddy's old bed.

Yes, it is a lovely garden.
I don't really watch the television.

I say a picture window
and a busy bird table

is all the entertainment I need.

I've made a shepherd's pie, if you like?

Do you?

Well, you're welcome here any time

you need a respite
from the hurly-burly.

Oh, I'm bloody knackered!

Come on, Spike. You take over, son.

Not my sport, mate.

What & your sport?

Wall game, fives, real tennis.

- Eton boy, eh?
- Oh, yes.

Mum!

What's all this?

- Jock says we can put the van here.
- Really?

You need to clear it away from the house,

- So you can get by better or something?
- Wow.

- All right with you, Mother?
- Yeah...is it all right?

My field. Why not?

- How long?
- As I say, my field.

Well, time to get on.

Come on, Spikey, 1 need a hand.

(EXCITED CHATTERING)

Ladies, can I have your attention,
please? Please! No more questions!

Now, let's just get down to
the nitty-gritty. Numbers.

Now, according to the number of guests
on the lists you have given me...

Oh, on my list, can you take off
Ricky's mother, please?

- All right, Rosie.
- Not that she wouldn't want to come.

- Is she busy?
- No, she's dead. I forgot.

- Oh, ladies, please concentrate.
- You can add ten to my list, actually.

Oh, good heavens! Now, listen...

anyone who has guests,
and they will have to be paying guests,

come and see me now. Thank you.
Good God!

- So?
- What?

- He moved the van.
- Yeah, he's moved it into his field.

- He's clearing the way.
- What do you mean?

He's moving them out of the way.

Come on, Mrs Magoo, it's obvious.
It's so exciting.

Oh, stop it!

Come on, you like him,
and he stopped talking to me about you.

Sure sign.

There's only room for two in this
relationship. He knows 1 can't be trusted.

- Have you kissed yet?
- No!

- Held hands?
- No!

He's so your type. And the man has hands,
you know what 1 mean?

Stop, it feels really weird.

No, it's great.

1 can have an affair vicariously
through you, an armchair affair.

Just tell me one thing.

Where will you eventually live
when La Dance moves into the barn?

Where will Jock go?
Will he move away? Will you follow?

1 need to know all these details,

so that my midlife fantasy dalliance
will be complete.

More anon, young lady.

Let us get on with the important business
of the meeting -

the planning, catering, decor.

Now, can I assume that we will be
adopting lavender

as the main theme of the meeting?

- Lavender?
- Yes, because Charles Dance

actually was one of
the Ladies In Lavender. Wasn't he, Eileen?

Which one was he?

Oh, what's she called? judi Drench?
Is it?

Is it? Is it?

Meditation complete.

Let the abundance hunting begin.

Go, woman!

Mother Nature's source
of fruitful abundance. Free food.

The bounty of the fields.

Or Mum's fridge, as it's generally known.

Yeah, well, there is no fruitful abundance
round here,

because the fields have been sprayed.

Anyway, what are you doing here?

She's not here. She's at a Guild thing.

1 just thought I'd tell her
10 pop over and see us

any time she doesn't want to be
on her own.

But, um...

Yeah, well, we are still close,
and Jock's round most evenings.

Oh...yes.

They get on really well

Yes.

They get on really well

Yes.

So do you think 1 should tell her,

brother of mine, that we, like,
officially...

approve?

1 think it would make her
totally happy.

Then you would be able
to stop worrying about everybody.

Do you think Dad would like him?

No.

Oh, ladies, we are overwhelmed
with numbers. It's not just guests.

It's people wanting to join our ranks
because we have a celebrity speaker.

Dear, oh, dear!

Hole will be spitting when they find out
about our swelling members.

How are we going to fit them all in,
these swelling members?

This room won't be big enough -

- there's no room to spread.
- No health and safety.

Can we use the hall downstairs?

Not on that date.
1 think it's Pocket Opera.

Oh, good grief!

Well, there's nothing for it
It'lL have to be the church.

- Vicar's away!
- He won't mind.

No, sorry. No, no. I'm house-sitting
for Hilary and 1 said...

What?

Don't threaten me! Look, 1 promised
Hilary. You can't use the church.

Katie, we have to have a word.

Woman to woman.

We cannot hide behind our badges.

What is going on
with you and the vicar?

Nothing's going on.

I love him!

It's lovely. We're in love!

Oh!

Fair do's.

- Can't fight love.
- No.

- And we have incredible sex.
- That's quite enough, Katie!

Where have you gone now
in your besottedness? Fill me in.

How...how can he do that?

How can Jock let them stay
in that field as long as they like?

- Did he say it was his field?
- Yeah.

- That's all right, then.
- But it isn't, is it?

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

1 suddenly feel very sick.

Yes, it should be Charles
bloody Dance's field, shouldn't it?

Sharp crash back to reality.

Oh, pray that what I'm thinking
is not about to happen.

Oh, my heart's beating
through my chest.

- I'm going to have to go.
- Oh, no, don't leave me. Don't leave me!

Order, please, ladies.

You have to tell them.

Tell who what?

- You said that was your field.
- Itis.

Not Charles bloody Dance's field.

- Ah.
- Yes, "ah".

Is Charles Dance
going to live in that barn?

Did you say that Charles Dance

was going to live in that barn
to get everybody off your back?

Oh, for God's sake!

I'm sorry, I never actually said
Charles Dance. Someone assumed that.

1 don't care. 1 don't care,

because you are going to have
to go down and tell the Guild.

I mean, it's got out of control
It's absolutely huge.

They think he is coming!

How could you do that?

Why did you say you could get him?

- To get them off my back.
- Oh, bloody hell!

OK, I'll tell them he can't come.

He's busy. He's got a job. He's ilL

He's doing Midsomer Murders .

If you are in any way finding this funny,

you will not live to regret it

Why? Really?

What can a load of ladies do?

You'd better lose that attitude fast.
You saw what they did to Tony Blair.

You will be slow hand-clapped to death!

We could open it up
to other federations.

- We should.
- If we could use the church...

Or some other such place.

- Are we dressing up?
- No.

Surely we should all be in lavender?

- Oh, please!
- Yes.

Oh, that's a very good idea.
That would be lovely.

No. Absolutely not, no.

- Jock! Jock! Jock's here!
- Hi, Jock.

Hello, Jock.

- As you can see, we're all aquiver.
- We can't believe it!

No, we can't

This is the best thing that's ever,
ever happened to our Guild, ever.

Steady on, Rosie!
But 1 will say 1 have o agree.

So what can we do to help?

All is well, I hope?

Yeah, carry on.

(WOMEN SIGH HAPPILY)

What a blessing that man has been to us.

Lovely, lovely.

His bag's gone, his Land Rover's gone.

Bloody hell!

All he had to do was tell them.

- Bloody hell!
- I know.

And he doesn't know Charles Dance,
does he?

Not even the remotest possibility.

1 don't think he even knew
who Charles Dance was.

Oh, idiot! Bloody idiot!

It's just a joke to him.

I've got to go and tell them.

Well, it's not your fault

No, it isn't my fault

I tried to get him run out of town
weeks ago.

- It's Eileen's fault
- Yeah, it's bloody Eileen's fault.

Now we have no Charles Dance.

And no Jock.

Hey, Mother.

Oh!

- What's this?
- An invitation.

What for?

We're having a van-warming party for Raph,
so that he feels like it's his home too.

Oh, Tash, that's lovely.

I know! Isn't it lovely?

You are a good mum.

Yeah. So...

will you come?

Of course I wilL

Mum, James and I think Jock is...cool

Well, let's hope you're right.

We've got a marquee!

Thanks. Not answering.

- Day two and still no word.
- No.

And he was to be the great saviour.

- The one to pull us back from the abyss.
- Jock?

No, 1 mean Charles Dance.

I'm thinking speakers
and the frankly quite awful prospect

of Pauline being recommissioned,
so to speak.

I am sorry on other levels.

I've been such an idiot.
Behaved like a school kid.

What a dolt, what a dud.

What a bloody donkey!

Listen, I was there with you,
all the way, cheering you along

like Madame Defarge through the keyhole.

I'm so sorry.

I liked him.

1 know.

Oh, dear. You'll miss him.

We're going to have to tell Eileen.

Look, all she has to do
is cancel her little meeting.

It's no big deal

Except in Aer head.

Wonderful news, Sal! Caroline
has done a deal for a huge marquee.

All can be accommodated within.
We have an event, Sal!

Now, then, would you please give
this note with...

timings and whatnot to Jock for Mr Dance?

I'll tell you what, Eileen,

if I write down his mobile number,
why don't you ring him?

Oh, all right, SaL

And, by the way,
1 won't be able 10 come,

because Tash is having a little party
for Raph.

Oh, wonderful

Well, we know where your loyalties lie,
don't we?

Tip, what about you?

Oh, 1 wouldn't miss it for the world,
Eileen.

Well done.

What's the time?

Ooh, I've got to get
to the House of Mary's before it closes.

Why are you going?

Because I'm Catholic.
Because 1 must be punished.

1 don't know.
Oh, dear Lord, 1 just don't know.

I'll just give it another little try.

- Hello, ladies!
- What & she wearing?

It's a lavender fascinator
from House of Mary's.

It's just an old outfit
I found hanging in the wardrobe.

It wasn't until I got out
into the daylight

I saw that it was, in fact, lavender.

Honestly.
Look what I've turned up in!

Well, exactly...

No, Marilyn, not like that.

Let me show you.

So, how did you get the tent, then?

Oh, it's the one that the Scouts
have their annual gangbang in.

What? What have 1 said now?

1 think you mean Gang Show.

Is that too much?

A chair over there, Susan.

Rosie, what have you got on?

What?

1 expect it was something she just found
hanging in her wardrobe, Eileen.

Is he here?

Is he?

- Seen Jock?
- Have you? Where?

No, I mean, have you seen Jock?
He was supposed to be here.

No.

No, 1 haven't

Weird.

(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

I feel sick.
I'm going to have to say something.

What? It's too late!

But we can't just
let it go on and on and on.

Oh, God, 1 feel sick.

Look, let's just say there's been an
accident on the motorway. He's dead.

Then we find him and kill him.
It'lL be fine.

For God's sake!

It's not even our fault!

- No.
- Let's get out of here.

It's all right, Pauline, I shall take...
the microphone in my gavel hand.

Hello, testing, testing.

- Testing. Am 1 on? Can you hear me?
- Yes.

Ideal (WHISPERS) Susan...

Ladies and gentlemen -
ladies especially - welcome.

It seems that

Mr Charles Dance has been held up
a little in his proceedings.

So I would like to moot

that we carry on with business as usual
until such time as.

So 1 would like now to open the meeting
and welcome you all here,

especially to welcome
affiliate members...

- You say something.
- No, I'm going to leave.

- Oh, no.
- ow!

.-.So now I would like
to call on our Vice, Pauline,

to give the minutes
for the 2008 Federation Convocation.

Now, we will need a volunteer,

please, to second this motion.
No, Susie, thank you. Hands up.

Yvonne, thank you, dear.

So, now, take it away, Pauline.

Here you go, darling. It's on.

It's on, Pauline, it's on.

- Oh, God, oh, God...
- Any idea where Jock is?

We've had trouble raising him
on the mobile.

No, 1 haven't. Sorry, Eileen.

I'm very concerned
where Charles Dance is.

We've only got the minutes
and proposals for the next year

and then thanks from our sponsors,
Yeoman's Cheese,

and then he's on. We've only got...

Hell's teeth, 45 minutes!
We're padding here!

- Eileen...
- He's actually not...

Hello.

So sorry I'm late.
The traffic was appalling.

Now, I'm looking for Eileen Pike.

1am he. 1 mean, he is her.

1 mean...

1 am her.

Oh, Mr Dance, thank you so much.

- How do you do?
- Welcome.

Thank you so much for doing this.

- Not at all It's my pleasure.
- Yes.

(WHISPERS) I'm afraid we're running
a little bit late,

So maybe
you'd like to come in right away?

Yes, of course. Speech.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

(APPLAUSE)

Yes, ladies, yes.

Now, the Clatterford and St Mary's Guild

would like to welcome you all here
and introduce, yes, well..

Someone who needs
no introduction at alL

Mr Charles Dance!

(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE)

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.
How lovely.

Well..

While 1 was driving here, 1 thought,
what could 1 possibly talk

to such a prestigious organisation
as the Ladies Guild about?

And then I thought to myself,
"Well, the one thing

"1 can talk about
with any degree of expertise is myself"

So, that's what 1 shall do.

CHARLES DANCE: Where can I start?
Well, I was born in in a place called...

You really had me going, you know.

1 got myself going.

How did you manage it?

Flattery and money.
The man's only human.

And then, after training as an actor,

1 joined the Royal Shakespeare Company...

- Yes, yes.
- ...in the mid-"70s

and appeared in many productions
in Stratford and in London.

- I was in Hamlet ..
- (APPLAUSE)

...with Ben Kingsley. That was before
he was Sir Ben Kingsley.

And Henry IV, both parts.

Henry V and three parts of Henry VI.

Well, look at you.

1 thought you'd done a runner.
Tip and 1 were bricking ourselves.

- So what are you going to do now, then?
- How do you mean?

Well, you're actually going to have
to find someone to buy the barn.

With you as a neighbour? Fat chance!

Hey!

So, what are you going to do?

---As You like It Coriolanus.

I mean, there are lots
of other performances that I've given

that have given me
just as much pleasure.

Who would have thought
he'd done so much theatre?

1 know, an interminable amount.

And before that, 1 played Badger
in a production of Toad Of Toad Hall

Ooh!

- Yes, in Swindon.
- Swindon!

And then, of course,
'here was The jewel In The Crown...

So what are you going to do?

CHARLES DANCE:
...Maxim de Winter in Rebecca.

- That was very good!
- Yes. Yoss Erroll in White Mischief.

A little near the knuckle
for some people.

- (ROSIE LAUGHS HEARTILY)
- And...the list is endless,

and quite a few that have
slipped under the radar

- of the sham that are awards ceremonies.
- Yes.

Another role that 1 played was Benedict

in a film with Arnold Schwarzenegger
called Last Action Hero.

Unfortunately, it was the only flop
1 think Arnold Schwarzenegger's ever had.

Get him to move on
to Ladies In Lavender.

I'm not going to say anything after
about John knowing him.

He's just texted me and said it was
Tim Pigott-Smith he was talking about.

The poor man's Charles Dance.

Then 1 met Robert Redford.
This is quite a funny story, really.

Taxi for Mr Charles Dance!

- Stop her! Someone stop her.
- Shh!

Beneath this debonair exterior,
there's probably

a cocaine-using,
villainous mastermind of a criminal

who wouldn't be out of place
in The Bill .1...

Thank you very much indeed,
Charles Dance. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

- Thank you, Charles Dance OBE.
- Thank you so much.

- Cakey?
- Um, no, thank you.

- Charles, that was a wonderful speech.
- You think so?

Thank you very much.

It went rather well, didn't it?
I might use it again, actually.

ROSIE: You're very tall, in't you?

Cos I start off looking at your feet
and as I look up and up like that,

by the time 1 see your head,
1 feel quite faint sometimes!

Caroline Martin. We have people in common.

- Do we?
- You said you didn't

You're not at all
who I thought you were going to be.

- Really? Who did you think I'd be?
- Passage To India.

We're so thrilled, Charles,

that you're going to be
moving in amongst us.

- Really?
- Yes, and you will be

left alone in the barn
unless you need something, Mr Dance.

Bother me where?

In the barn with the big gates.
No-one shall enter you there

and no-one shall seek you there
and no-one shall find you there.

And you will always be left alone.

OK, Charles, your car's ready.

Cheerio.

Bye-bye.

- Bye. Bye.
- Thank you so much.

- Not at all. Goodbye.
- That's it.

- Just outside.
- I'm coming.

Jock! Jock, you come in now - he's gone.

No, he won't fit in.

Actually, I have to say
that I think he'd fit in quite nicely.

Don't

There's only one reason why the man
with the Titian hair is here today,

if you ask me.

# Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

# The dizzy dancing way you feel

# As every fairy tale comes real

# I've looked at love that way

# I've looked at love
from both sides now

# From give and take
and still somehow

# It's love's illusions I recall

# I really don't know love

At all %