Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 3, Episode 4 - Missing Persons - full transcript

To Tash's annoyance Sal and Jock start to get on. Eileen organizes a fashion show in the church to save the local boutique, the House of Mary, from closure but the vicar goes off on the moors with the keys. Kate finds him having a crisis of faith over the deaths of boys like Christopher and,Kate having provided a much-appreciated listening ear, they kiss passionately. The fashion parade is a huge success with Kate's new beau cheering her on and Rosie, resplendent in red, and supported by Jock, the star of the show.

- Off to school

- Get yourself a Frube.
-0K

- What's your mum doing?
- Getting food.

God.._.

- Bag for life?
- Please.

Yeah, I'L get you one.

(TV PLAYS)

(VAN BEEPING AND REVERSING)

Damn!

(GLASS CLINKS)

1hate this, 1 hate it, hate it.



Wait, please!

Oh, stop! Stop!

Please wait!

- Oh, bloody hell!
- Here, give me that.

- You drink all these yourself?
- Why don't you say it louder?

The whole town didn't hear you!

They are not all mine!

Sal!

- Sal!
- Oh.

1 know you hadn't forgotten, Sal,
but just a gentle reminder that rehearsals

for the biannual charity Guild
fashion show are at two today.

-1don't think 1 can make that.
- No, your presence is mandatory, Sal

I've had bodies dropping out on me
right, left and centre.

- Where's Tip?
- Taken a holiday.



- Did she know about the show?
- Oh, yeah.

(SIGHS)

Any more, and 1 shall be forced to forgo
the cruise wear section entirely.

Then there's a His'n"Hers.

If I can drum up some His.

You might like to mention this event
to Mr Charles Dance when you next see him.

- I doubt I'll be speaking to him today.
- When do you speak to him?

I'm a builder, darling,
not a social secretary.

We're also trying to draw attention

to the plight of our local ladies'
fashion boutique,

the House Of Mary's.
Call it a PR stunt, if you will

I'm afraid that
the wolves of receivership

are drawing ever closer to their door.

Very sad.

Still, you might like to mention it
to him, a bit of local colour.

Nice for him to know

he's moving to a town with
a bit of glamour in I, isn't it, Sal?

- Bye.
- Sorry about that.

Funny place to put a coffee, by the way.

- Mm. Do you fancy one?
- I'm sorry?

- A coffee!
- Right.

Watch your head.

Sorry about the mess. Don't look.

- It's fine. It's a home.
- Yeah.

It's who you are.

- Well..
- It's your style.

- What? Comfortable but neglected.
- Shabby chic.

(SHE LAUGHS)

I only really notice it
when somebody new comes in.

Maybe it does need redoing.

Have a big sort out. Give it a facelift.

I've seen some really nice colours.

Is this Mike?

Yeah. How do you know?

I live in the pub.

Ah, yes, Tip, she's been filling you in.

Nothing bad, I hope.

She's virtually nominating you
for sainthood.

Oh! Well, you be devil's advocate.

Sit down, you're making me nervous.

Hymn book for you, sir.

Prayer sheet for you, madam.

Please keep your feet in
at all times, thank you.

Please keep your feet off the kneelers,
thank you. No muddy boots.

Prayer sheet for you, madam.
And music, please.

(SHE SINGS WILDLY)

What are you doing?

- Um, I'm verging. Cal - No! ""

- But I..
- No. Get out, please!

It's only slow walking
and putting out the hymn books.

No!

Well, would you like me
to show you the slow walking?

No, 1 wouldn't! Take this off.

Take it off! Take it off!
It looks ridiculous.

And that. Ridiculous.

Oh, hello, what's this?
Dinner or camouflage?

You won't believe this -
all of this stuff, which is totally fine,

not off, or, like, only just past OK,
just being thrown out.

It's like madness!

Bottle of Timotei, a multipack
of Space Invaders, four oranges,

a bashed tin of oxtail,
some Yum Yums and a leek.

You'd be buggered
if you were on Ready Steady Cook.

Ho, ho, Mother(!)

So, who have you been
making coffee for, Mother?

I think we need a little chat.

1 hear you talking to the bastard
builder man all the time now.

- So?
- I think I deserve an explanation.

Oh, Tash!

It all just got so boring.

Too much effort being angry all the time.

1 hate it when you do this, Mother.

We have spent months
being angry on your behalf.

We have given him, like,
some really, really dirty looks,

and now you just say,
"Oh, it's all too much effort.”

This is...
this is the man who killed your turkey.

1 hated that turkey.

And do you know,
he is quite nice, actually.

1 see, it's like that, is it?

No, it's not "like that", whatever
you're thinking "like that" is.

1 just don't see the point
in being horrible any more.

And to be honest, I don't think your
dirty looks were getting us anywhere.

And actually, when you lot decide to
finally push off, it might be quite nice

to have somebody going up and down
the drive now and then.

Oh, shut up!

Yeah, well, Mother, you know,
maybe you'd be kind enough to inform us

- before we have to call him Daddy.
- Oh, for God's sake.

- Please.
- It's never going to be like that.

No, you're right, it isn't going to be
like that. I can guarantee that.

- I know some things about him.
- What?

What?

Like, he has got an ex-wife.

- Oh...
- And he only likes blondes.

No, but with enormous breasts,
who are half his age.

And apparently, he hates commitment
as well

And ...you know the way he speaks.

Like, "Och, aye, the noo,
that van's gottae move.

"No, it's gottae move, lassie.”

Apparently it's cos he's Scottish!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, there's some lovely things here,
Katie.

I don't normally does House Of Mary.

It is quite exclusive, I know.

No, I've got done for nickin' in there.
She don't like me, Mary.

Oh... Oh, I do like that.

If I was, say, 65,
and I'd lost my husband, say.

Well, I have lost nmty husband,
but I'm not 65, but if I was,

I would almost certainly buy that
to get remarried in.

Sadly, only one of those is true,
so it's not for me, really.

- Ta-da!
- Oh, no, no, no.

- No?
- Absolutely not. No, are you mad?

Do you honestly think
this fashion show can do any good?

If they can't save Woolworths,
what chance has House Of Mary's got?

And can 1 say, between us,
even if it does dose,

there's a huge MS&S in town.

1 suppose not everyone can get into town.

- Well, who?
- Well, Mrs Ottery.

Oh. So I've got to spend an evening
in elasticated slacks

- s0 Mrs Ottery can buy her pants locally?
- Pretty much, yes.

Now, ladies... Where's my gavel?

Can 1 have your attention, please?

Now, canl..

Set the scene as I see it?

We will have chairs
going down both sides, like this.

We will have a catwalk in the middle.

1 will be standing on the side, here.

1 shall need the podium
and the microphone from the church,

perhaps the freestanding lights...

Oh, goodness! You can see
how they get so frazzled in Milan!

The models will change in the kitchen.

They will come out one by one.

No smiling. Now, then, let us
go through the basics of walking.

I think we can all manage that.

1 know it sounds strange,

but 1 have Goggled,
and there is more to it than you think.

I shall need a volunteer.

No, Rosie, 1 think Susie
will be the one for this.

- No.
- No, let Rosie do it.

All right, Rosie,

- please enter the catwalk.
- Right...

No...

Now, then, it says here,
throw your shoulders back

- whilst pushing your pelvis forward.
- Yeah.

Keep your weight on the ball
of your foot rather than your heel

- Yeah.
- This will give your stride more length.

Then your second foot should go
exactly in the place of your first foot

as you lift your knee like a horse.

Carry on, please.

- Like this?
- Yes, up.

Yes.

- (SHE SCREAMS)
- Rosie!

That woman can over-complicate walking.

- It's all right, it's all right.
- Your legs are too short, darlin...

Now, everyone pick an outfit
and have a go yourself.

But how can 1 do the catwalk
if 1 can't walk?

1 normally goes to Primark.

Well, keep on looking, my darling.

To be frank,
she'll have a struggle, Katie.

Plus sizes weren't part of my vision.

1 think to the outside world of fashion,

we're all plus sizes here, Eileen.

Speak for yourself. Katie.

Oh, Caroline, that is beautiful

Lovely, darling.

Susie, very nice,
different top, let's think shoes.

Oh!

That is groovy, Pauline.
Red and orange together are fab.

They have been since the "60s.
How are you doing, Rosie?

1 got this.

What the hell do you think
you look like, Rosie Bales?

Oh, my God, it's Margaret.

You monstrous clodhopper!
No, shush, Margaret...

CAROLINE: Don't catch her eye.

And you and your dreary,
insipid gaggle.

You, madam,

are a ridiculous puffed-up harpy, with all
the sophistication of a suet pudding!

No, stop it, Margaret, stop it!

Stop it! Stop it, stop it!

Fetch her, Kate.
Go and get her, Katie!

I'll go down the church
and pick up the podium.

Fetch her, Katie.

That's a House Of Mary's outfit
she's wearing.

1 don't want her get done
for nickin® again.

Vicar.

Vicar!

- Very strange.
- Found her.

She's in the pub, with SaL

Good. But more importantly,
the church door's locked.

Why is the church door locked?

- Maybe he's out.
- It's never locked.

I'm gonnaring him.

(PHONE RINGS)

BOTH: Thank you.

Listen, Rosie, you don't want
to let Eileen wind you up.

The fashion show,
it's just a bit of a laugh.

You don't have to do it
if you don't want to.

No, it's not that, SalL
I do want to do it.

1 just looks a fool, that's all

What is it?

Well, it's just the doctor's telling me
I've got to lose weight.

- Who? James, the stupid idiot?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Apparently,
I'm in the red part of the graph

and I'm supposed to be in the yellow part.

And yellow doesn't even really suit me,
even.

T's just 1 feel, like,
really low at the moment,

and the vicar even shouted at me
this morning as well

- Did he?
- Yeah, he did, yeah.

- Oh, dear. What can we do, I wonder?
- I dunno.

Go on.

Ricky doesn't want a bag of bones.

- He's away at the moment, Sal
- Is he?

Yeah, he's doin' the Bulgararia trips
on the Stobarts,

so I hardly ever even, never even,
sees him much at the moment.

- Oh, Rosie.
- Yeah.

1 mean, 1 know Christina Aguilera says,
"1 am beautiful in every single way."

It's just I don't feel that much
at the moment.

Even Margaret says I've let myself go.

You don't want to take any notice
of what Margaret says, do you?

No... No.

- I know what we're gonna do.
- What?

I'm gonna take you home
and I'm gonna give you a make-over.

(GASPS) Yeah, that would be lovely! Yeah!

- The vicar is missing!
- Good riddance.

Rosie! Dress off!
Before you get food on it.

Eileen, be nice!

Sorry, somry, love. It's stress.

Has anyone seen the vicar? Anyone?

Yeah, 1 seen him. He was in here earlier,
filling up his flask.

Think he was off to the moor,
he had his boots on.

Well, when will he be back?
We need the pulpit as a lectemn.

-1don't know.
- Isn't it lectern as a pulpit?

Or do I mean podium?

And the microphone, the trestles,
the Velcro board...

Oh! This is the eleventh hour!

We need to find the vicar
to get the church keys.

He's officially a missing person.
Let me go and find him, Eileen!

In my capacity.

Well, hurry up.

Yes, Captain Mainwaring!
No, Captain Mainwaring!

We're all thick, thick, thick up here,
Captain Mainwaring!

Benedictine, please, Janine.

And keep the schooner on the optic
1ilL1 say when. 1 need atriple.

Thanks.

(INAUDIBLE)

...Is he? Oh, thanks.

Oh...

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi. 1 brought you some paint charts.

Oh! Thanks.

1 just thought, bloody builder, it'll
all be apricot-white and peach from B&Q.

I'm not that bad. But these are
actually really nice, so thank you.

-0K
- Don't you love that green?

(SHE CHUCKLES)

- What?
- Nothing.

I've got to go sort little Rosie out -
she's in a bit of a state.

- She OK?
- Well..

You really like her, don't you?

Only sane person I've met
since I've been here.

- What?
- You. A feminine side and a heart.

If it wasn't for your dress sense,
you'd make a perfect gay man.

Shut up! How dare you!

Got a quick second to have a look round?
Cast your expert eye?

- Go on, then. It'll cost you, though.
- I'm flush.

- How do you know I'm not gay?
- I know.

- I could swing both ways.
- No, 1 know your sort.

You swung too far one way and got stuck.

- It's the jacket.
- What's wrong with the jacket?

- Lovejoy, 1985.
- Shut up!

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo! Vicar!

Oh, God.

Go away.

No, wait.

Go away, go away, go away.

That's not very nice.

What is it?

We need to get into the church,
and it's locked.

There.

Eileen wants to borrow the lectern.

- I don't care.
- So that's a yes, then, is it?

- Just go away.
- Fine.

Are you all right up there?

Yes.

Listen, I'm going to leave
my CPO hat down here

and come up to you as myself, OK?

- No, go away.
- Right...

I'm going to make my way up to you now.

- Oh... Ah! Ow!
- For heaven's sake!

- Just come here. There.
- Oh!

- Sorry. Thank you.
- There.

I'm meant to be the one coming
to help you. I'm hopeless!

- Don't jump!
- What the hell are you doing?

- Get off, please
- Sorry.

Don't touch me, please.

You seem distressed.

- No.
- Has something upset you?

Ook, 1..1 just need space and peace...

to...ask some questions.

Maybe get some answers.

The other day, someone...

gave me a letter...

written by her son.

He's in the Army.

It was...

written in case he should die,

and she asked me to keep it,

to pray for him...

...to take the burden.

- But that's lovely.
- But what if he dies?

It won't be your fault.

Or God's or Jesus's.

They didn't start the war.

God's not looking after you
very well, is he?

1 don't see how you can say that,
not being a believer.

No, I'm not.

Not in an old man with a big white beard
sitting on a cloud.

I'm not a believer, but I think
it's wonderful that you are, actually.

Thank you.

- You and me are quite similar, actually.
- Really? What makes you think that?

I think people find us quite annoying.

Yes, probably.

Both on our own, and...

Oh, Veronica's...

- Yes.
- ...not... No, no.

Well, then,
that hasn't helped either, has it?

- No...
- Little bit of heartbreak as well.

- I'm right.
- Yes, would you stop being right, please?

No, 1 won't. (LAUGHS)

Do you Twitter?

No, 1 don't think so.

I do.

- There you go.
- Oh! Oh, yeah.

- Right, now then. Gok Wan.
- Yeah.

- How To Look Good Naked .
- Yeah.

He says you have to take
all your clothes off

and stand in front of the mimor
and have a really good look at your body.

Well, 1 will if you will

Oh. Um...

- I don't think we need to do that, do we?
- No.

Anyway, I knows I look good naked.

It's with my clothes on
I haven't got any confidence.

I think it's Margaret making me feel bad
and disrespecting myself.

No, I think it's just you, darling.

Or it could be Eileen

- taking away my personal dignity.
- No.

What about the vicar
not believin® in my dream?

No. I think it's because
Ricky's away so much,

there's nobody to make you feel
nice and loved and sexy.

Yeah. Cos normally
I'm very sexy, aren't I, Sal?

- Yes.
- Cos Ricky says I'm sex on legs.

- Yeah.

(THEY LAUGH)

(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

- It's lovely here.
- Yes.

Thank you.

- For what?
- For letting me unburden myself.

- That's my.
- Job. .

No! That's my pleasure.

You know,
if I was to believe in a sort of God,

it would be more in a sort of
kind of power,

you know, something
that was bigger than all of us.

Something we couldn't understand,

- like nature or...
- Love.

- Oh!
- Sorry.

- No!
- Sorry.

- No, actually, I'm not bloody sorry.
- It's all right.

I'm..

. Right, now...
Microphone, lights, lectern, podium...

- What are you wearing, Sal?
- I'm not wearing anything, Eileen.

- What?
- I'm going to do the door.

- Oh.
- I think we"re all set, Eileen.

Right. Now, ladies, gather, please.

Remember, please, the three key words

that 1 was taught when 1 was a house
model in Dingles, Plymouth. Pauline?

- Brio!

- Elan.
- Elan.

And pizza.

Pizzazz!

Brio, élan and pizza!

Sparkle, ladies.

Zing, zip, vim, oomph!

To your outfits, go.

- What are you using on your face?
- Make-up.

- Do you want to borrow some?
- No.

It's rather good, isn't it?
1 got it from a horse show.

The woman that normally does
the liniment and embrocation.

Horse women haven't got time
to be fiddling about.

You just paint it on with a brush.

- Covers very well
- Doesn't it?

- Like a mask.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So welcome, ladies...and gentleman,

to the House Of Mary's Guild
biannual fashion extravaganza.

We'll be kickin' off with
the stylish spring and cruise wear.

- (MUSIC STARTS)
- Our first model, Susie...

is sporting a linen-blend skirt,
featuring patch pockets

with button-through fastening
and covered buttons

for that sophisticated look.

It's a real dress-it-up
or dress-it-down item, this one.

Semi-formal, but, ladies, easy care.

Machine washable.

Thank you, Susie.

And now Katie is & la mode
in a navy/cream fluted skirt

fully lined with polyester
and cut on the bias for movement.

Fully expandable for those bloated days

and teamed with a cheeky safari blouse
also available in taupe.

And a lightweight shower jacket
for those inclement moments.

Al machine washable.

Caroline is sporting
a formal double-breasted blazer,

dry-clean only, with polyester lining,

two pockets at the hip...
and-and-and...

and rounded double...double collar.

(MOUTHS)

Rosie...is...

.is sporting... Oh, my! Jock!

...is sporting a scarlet
crushed-velvet Lycra cocktail dress

with sweetheart neckline.

Perfect for cocktails with the captain.

And Jock is sporting

the House Of Mary's
crease-resistant For Him range.

Yes, that's enough, Rosie.
Thank you, darling. That's enough.

That's right.

Thank you, Rosie.

And now, ladies and gentleman,

in the tradition of fashion,

we end on every girl's dream outfit.

(# CHURCH BELLS CHIMING)

And a final parade with models
in slightly different outfits.

- I really enjoyed that.
- SodidlL

- You're not taking your make-up off?
- It doesn't come off.

- Well done, Rosie.
- Aw, thanks.

I, like, so worked it,
didn't I, girlfriend?

You did!

Yeah. And it was, like, so amazing.
And, like, Jock was awesome, wasn't he?

Yeah. I really feel like I've started
on my journey to me, Sal

1 feel like I've regained my dignity
and my respect and my pride.

Oh, great. Are you going
to take it up professionally, Rosie?

No, Sal, no. I'm going to reject the model
lifestyle. I couldn't hack the travel

Go and get changed now, Rosie.

1 was going to ask you about the dress...

- No.
- Couldntl...?

- It has to go back to House Of Mary's.
- Oh. Allright.

Lover boy! Ho-ho!

Hey, who'd have thought
you'd look good in a sports jacket?

It feels like a shroud.

Goodbye, Lovejoy. Hello, New Tricks!

- Can 1 help you, Vicar?
- Uh...

Oh, Hilary!

- Um...Rosie.
- Oh...

I thought you were marvellous,
by the way.

- Oh, thank you.
- Very...

...alluring.

Rosie.

Rosie?

- Vicar.
- Canljustsay,I..

I thought you looked marvellous?

Thank you.

Particularly impressed with...

the walking.

- Yeah.
-1mean, 1 want you to...

...have this, Rosie.

Oh!

Oh! Yes!

(MOUTHS)

Off to the pub, Vicar?

No, actually, I think we might
open a bottle at the vicarage.

KATE RUSBY: # We are
the Village Green Preservation Sociely

# God save Donald Duck

# Vaudeville and variety

# We are
the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society

# God save strawberry jam

# And all the different varieties

# Preserving the old ways

# From being abused

# Protecting the new ways

# For me and for you

# What more can we do? #