Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 3, Episode 3 - Dinner Party - full transcript

KATE RUSBY: # We are
the Village Green Preservation Sociely

# God save Donald Duck

# Vaudeville and variety

# We are
the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society

# God save strawberry jam

# And all the different varieties

# Preserving the old ways

# From being abused

# Protecting the new ways

# For me and for you

# What more can we do? #



(SHUTTER CLICKS)

- Good morning, Mrs Vine.
- (SHUTTER CLICKS)

- Morning.
- Can I help you?

1 was just taking a picture
before it gets totally ruined.

It's not going to get ruined.

Are those breeze blocks?

This is a cob bam.
You're supposed to let it breathe.

- I am surprised English Heritage...
-1have permission.

The plans were made available
for you to see.

I've seen them. How many bedrooms was it?

Four, isn't it?
That's going to be very pokey.

You want to open it up,
let in all the light.

- This has nothing to do with you.
- It's got everything to do with me.

Oh, I see. That's it, is it?



Don't engage. Is that the plan?

Just move in, do 'em up, sell 'em on.
"1 am not responsible.”

- You live 200 yards away.
- It's still my business.

Didn't think even your nose was that long.

- I didn't mean your actual...
- Too late!

- Yoo-hoo!
- Susie. Sorry, I'm in a mad dash.

I've got to get the house
straight before Rosie arrives.

- To clean?
- Yes, but you know what it's like.

Unless she sees it exactly
how 1 want it, she'll never get it right.

And 1 had to have such a huge dear-up
after the party that Freya had.

Did you hear about that?

Yes, half the county came,
by all accounts.

And I've got Chris Moyles
to thank for that, apparently.

On my way to the dump,
just wondered if you have any plastics?

Oh, yes, 1 do. Come through.

- (TURKEY GOBBLES)
- Go on. Shoo!

- Look, I didn't mean it.
- Too late!

(TURKEY GOBBLES)

Listen...

Charles told me
the news about Christopher.

- What news?
- That he's been sent to Afghanistan.

Look, there's some coffee made
there on the Aga, Susie.

On the Aga. Look where I'm pointing.

On the Aga. It may have gone a bit cold.

Right.

- Now...
- I'll, er, pop it in the microwave.

Yes, would you? Oh, give it a wipe
while you're there, will you,

- the microwave?
- Of course.

Now...

(SIGHS)

- Oh, you caught me!
- What are you doing?

What I'm not doing, right...

I'm not going down to see Jock
to give him something.

Are you going to see Jock
to give him that cheese?

Yeah. I am, yeah. Yeah.

Well, if you see him, do me a favour
and chuck it at his head.

Oh, I'm sensing
you still don't like him, then?

No.

Oh. I tell you what, Sal, that Charles
Dance is a single man these days.

1 Wikipeed him. Imagine that, Sal,
you and him together, eh?

Be like the Kenco coffee adverts,
wouldn't it?

Cos he'd come round
to borrow a bowl of sugar,

and the air would be like
charged full up of chemistry. Yeah.

- Gold Blend.
- Pardon?

- Gold Blend.
- No, I can't, thanks,

Sal, I haven't got time.
I'm cleaning for Caroline, see.

1 need some money.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(DOG HOWLS AND BARKS)

Now, come in.

Come in if you're coming in,
stay out if you're staying out.

- Oh, Susie.
- Yeah?

1 want to tell you something. I've got
rather an onerous task this morning

of cutting Rosie's hours back.

Credit crunch thing?

Oh, no, no, no. It's just that
when we're here on our own...

- Exactly.
- ...there's simply not the work,

unless I've got
something special on, like Friday night.

- Friday night?
- Oh, didn't 1 tell you?

- No.
- Oh, my God.

John, in his wisdom, has invited
some colleagues down from London

for dinner and an overnight
on their way down to Salcombe.

Yes, 1 can see you're shocked.
1 mean, he has no idea.

This isn't his flat in Kensington,
this is Devon.

One can't just nip out like Nigella
to the deli and get a sort of Manchego

and a cupful of porcini
at a moment's notice.

A dinner party can
takes weeks of preparation.

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this
is because 1 was going to ask Rosie

if she would clear and serve.
What do you think?

- Of course. Swings and roundabouts.
- Absolutely. Make up the hours.

Now, any more to dump?

- Have you got the trailer?
- No, the Discovery.

No, then, no.

Momin', lover!

Paper!

I'm parched, aren't you?

Morning.

(TRILLS)

(CHUCKLES)

Yes.

Four biscuits...

Four biscuits.

Come on, we've gotta get on
with some proper cleanin...

Do you want a cup of tea?

I'm fine, actually. Really.

Got any special jobs
you want to do today?

Did you yesterday manage to
bring all the shoes down from upstairs

and get them polished as 1 suggested?

Yes...and no.

1 got the shoes,
but I couldn't find the polish.

But 1 did not waste my time -
1 did something else entirely.

Oh, you used your initiative, good. What?

I went back to folding all the clingfilm.

Right.

I tell you what would be very,
very useful for me today,

is if you could show me again

exactly how you like
all the dusting and hoovering done?

You know, where you go round
and do it, and I just, like, follows you?

- Yeah.

Actually, I think I need
to have a little word with you.

Would you come and sit down?

- Oh, no...
- Just come and sit.

Oh...

(GRUMBLES TO HERSELF)

...In trouble again. Gonna be in trouble.

- Now, Rosie...
- Your Majesty.

It's about your hours.

- Oh, yes, 1 can, thanks!
- What?

- Do more hours?
- Only I was going to suggest less.

Oh, no, thanks. No, I can't do less.

If I does less,
I have to do none at all,

cos I've been offered full time
elsewhere, see.

- Oh.
- Yeah. So that won't do at alL

No.

No, that won't do at alL

- No.

So...I'll just fit a few more hours in,
shall1?

Righty-ho.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that all I can do for you today?

- No, actually, there is one more thing.
- Oh.

On Friday night, John has invited
some friends from London

down on the train for a dinner party.

- Ooh, lovely!
- Yes.

And I don't know if you're free
at all that evening, but...

Oh...

- .1 was wondering if you...
- Yes.

- ...I was wondering if you could...
- I'd be honoured.

.If you could come...?

I'd be honoured
to come to your dinner party.

I won't let you down, your ladyship.
A dinner party, is it?

Oh, my God. I've never been
to a dinner party. Oh, no! Oh...

Ricky's away with the lomry.
Oh, he won't be able to come.

It"WU just be me. That won"t
bugger up your numbers, will it?

- No, not at all.
- No. No. Oh, good!

Dinner party. How smart is it?

Because I'm going to dress up
like a proper lady. I'm gonna wash,

do my hair.
I won't let you down, your ladyship.

Ah! 1 know. Wait, wart, wait.

What?

- Do you want those shoes, Rosie?
- Oh, your ladyship.

Oh, they're just an old pair.

They're beautiful, aren't they?

For Friday?

I'll always take care of them, always.

Fine.

1 will keep them in a glass cabinet
in memory of you.

- Fine.
- Right.

Right. You'd better crack on
with that hoovering.

- Yes.
- I'll finish off the clingfilm.

(KNOCKING)

What do you want, very rude boy?

To apologise.

Go on, then.

I'm sorry.

- How are you getting it to do that?
- What?

That. How are you getting it
to lie still like that?

(CLATTER)

Oh, my God.

I'm somy. I thought you'd be pleased.

- Pleased?!
- You kept saying you wanted to kill it.

1 want to Kill my children,
but I don't want to see them

hanging in a butcher's window
two hours later. Bloody hell!

I'm somy.
I'll get you another if you want.

No, just...

just shove it in the sink. Go on.

Oh, God, that is adding
bloody injury to insult.

Death to insult. Bloody hell!

- Shove it in the sink and bugger off!
- (CLATTER)

Ooh! (GAGS)

Well, Susie, of course I've tried talking
to her, but you know what it's like.

I have no idea what John
is going to say.

What?

No, I don't think you should try and
tell her. You'd be absolutely hopeless.

- (KNOCKING)
- Hello!

Hello. Come in.

It's the vicar. What?

Oh, yes, what a good idea.

Yes, he can tell her it's a complete
mistake, he's very good at that.

Yes, well done, Susie.
All right. I'll see you later.

Come in. Come through.

I'm just delivering a leaflet
about a recital

Veronica is giving next month.

- Oh, Veronica, your singer friend.
- Yes.

Oh, John will love that.
He was very taken with her areolas.

- Really?
- Yes. Do sit.

Itis also...

- That's revolting.
- ...by way of a pastoral visit.

(ROSIE TRILLS MERRILY)

Hello, Vicar!

- Excuse me! Just getting a biscuit!
- Off you go, Rosie.

- (ROSIE TRILLS)
- Did you say...pastoral visit?

Yes. 1 understand your son, Christopher,

- has recently been sent to Afghanistan.
- Yes, Afghanistan. He's in the Army.

So...well, um...

Oh, I see. No, really, we're fine.

It's his job, you see,
that's our way of thinking.

He loves it,
and it's bloody good for him.

- Well...good for you.
- Yes. No, stay seated.

Um..there's something
1 really wanted to ask you.

I hope you don't think
I'm being presumptuous.

Um, but on Friday night,

John and 1 are having
adinner party...

I'd love to!

- What?
- Come on Friday evening.

How very kind. I have to say,
1 don't get asked out much,

so, well, that'd be lovely.

Well, better be pushing off.

Sal..

- Oh, hi, Caroline. Look at this.
- Oh.

Well, can I say, about time too?

You want to hang that, by the way.

Can 1 have a word? Now...

1 know we don't normally
do this sort of thing.

But have you got any plans
for Friday evening?

- Evening?
- Yes, to come to dinner.

- Friday evening, as in this Friday?
- Yes. Yes.

Oh, it's not one of those double date
sort of things, is it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely not.

Oh... No, 1 don't think
it's my sort of thing really, Caroline.

No, no, I need you to come.
You have to come.

Why?

Oh, God. I need you
to keep an eye on Rosie for me.

Oh, I see.

She's got it into her head
that she's coming as a guest on Friday.

Oh, that's an easy mistake to make.

Yes. As you can imagine,
it's far from ideal

- The vicar is coming as well somehow.
- Obviously.

1 need you there because you
are so wonderful with her, Sal

I need you in case
things get complicated, you know?

No, I-1 don't think so.

But for Rosie's sake you'd come, wouldn't
you? For Rosie's sake as well as mine?

- Oh, OK. OK
- Thank you.

Thank you. If you come with Rosie
and be there at 7.30.

- Right.
- All right?

- Yeah.

T'll look forward to it.

Well, don't.
It's going to be an utter nightmare.

- Here to help.
- Mm?

Oh, good, good. Susie, will you, please,
lay up the dining room table?

- All right?
- Of course.

Now, John is gonna call as soon
as they're close on the train,

so we can time the veg.

Charles is on the same train, so he can
give them a lift from the station.

- He leaves the people mover there.
- People mover?

I know. Ghastly but terribly useful,
unfortunately.

And don't worry, we will go
as soon as they get here.

- Now, two knives?

ROSIE: On my head.

- How's that?
- Yeah, that's good, yeah.

- This is lovely.
- Yeah, got it in the charity shop.

I'm a bit nervous, Sal

You don't need to be nervous, Rosie.
You look like a real lady.

Oh, thanks.

You sure about the shoes?

- Yeah.
- Not too painful?

Yeah, they are actually, yeah, but
she'd be offended if I didn't wear "em.

She was begging me to wear "em.

1 don't even like 'em, to be honest.

- Do you want a bracer, Rosie?
- Go on, then. Steady the nerves.

Was ever an evening
more dreaded by all concerned?

Yeah. Oh, I'm gonna love it.
I'm gonna drink it all in.

Yeah.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Right...

Slight delay
on the train front, I'm afraid.

Everyone all right for drinks?

- Yes, fine.
- Perfect, thank you.

A lovely wine, if I may say so.

Lovely...bouquet.

What bottle did you open?
It wasn't one of John's?

No, it was the black one.
Black screw top.

Rosie, do you want
to take off your coat now?

Yes, I could, yes.
I've warmed up nicely, thank you.

Oh! How very rude. Sorry, ny lady,
I meant to give you this before.

- There's cheese for thanks.
- Oh, thank you.

No, thank you, thank you.

Well, that solves one mystery.

1 was wondering what that smell was.
1 was about to blame the dog.

- How are the dogs?
- Dog, Sal. We lost one.

Oh.

He's getting on a bit now.

We've become a, "Do check your shoes
as you come through the hallway"

sort of household.
He doesn't often make it outside.

Let's not stand on ceremony.
Shall we sit down?

Yes, 1 must say, 1 do think your house
is one of the most splendid in the town.

CAROLINE: Shall we stay in the kitchen?
It's much warmer.

Um... No, not at alL
Absolutely. Much warmer.

Sit.

I won't light a fire in the other room
because it's smoking terribly.

Susie, will you stop titting about
with the nibbles

- and pour some more wine?
- Right.

CAROLINE: What? How long?

I wish you'd checked this before.

Because 1 would have blown them all off.

All right.

Well, let me know when you get moving.

All right. See you later.

God.._.

(SIGHS)

- What news?
- Not good, I'm afraid.

The train has been held up at Westbury
because of floods in Wiltshire.

- Poor things.
- Yes.

- So, how's the food doing?
- It's fine. It can wait.

Then I think we should wait, don't you?

We have everything we need.

- Maybe we could crack into that cheese!
- That's a good idea, Rosie.

It"U soak up the wine, otherwise we"ll
be on the floor when they get here!

Right.

- Sorry about this.
- It's fine. We're fine. It's lovely.

- We can entertain ourselves.
- VICAR: Yes.

We can have a go at that thing
Eileen wants us to do for the Guild.

Oh, the questionnaire?
Yes, a very good idea. That'lL kill time.

Now...

where is it, where is it, where is it...?
Here we go.

Right. We have to make a list
of what we think are British values.

- Right.
- Here we go.

Right. Off we go.

The Queen.

Yes, good. The Queen.

The rule of law.

Will you let somebody else have a chance?

- How about tolerance?
- Tolerance, yes.

1 suppose that has its place. Tolerance...

- Cat food.
- Can you take it seriously?

No, really. Ricky says in other countries
they don't even feed cats,

they're just like scavengers.

So putting cat food in a tin
is actually really British.

No, everyone's still here. Yes.

I'll try and keep something warm
for you in the Aga bottom. All right.

All right. I'll see you later.

The train is now going backwards
at Pewsey.

- Oh.
- Oh, dear.

- Shall we tuck into the starters?
- I think we'll have to.

I'm so sorry about this.

- It's perfectly fine.
- Do you want some help, Susie?

She's fine. Plate it up over there...
No, don't plate up over there.

Bring the big plate,
and then we'll all do it ourselves.

There we go.
I hope you don't mind eating in here.

No, no, we're fine. As long as we eat.

May I just say, your ladyship,
this lemon soup is absolutely delicious.

Thank you so much for that.

It's not actually lemon soup.
It's a finger bowl

It's for your prawns.

Oh. Right, yeah.

- Everyone has a piece of that...
- It's a finger bowL

CAROLINE: My son Christopher

always says he doesn't know
why we have that dining room,

because it's freezing cold,
and no-one ever uses it.

It should be a billiard room, really.

He's the soldier, isn't he?
He's a lovely boy, that one.

Your son Christopher,
in the...who's been sent to...

- Afghanistan. He's in the Helmand.
- Oh, that must be a worry.

No, we're fine. As John says, people get
so hysterical about that sort of thing.

I mean, it is his job, and he loves it.

- Too much sentimental hogwash these days.
- Yes.

Seems people can barely open
their mouths without blubbing.

A world of high-fives and crying.

John blames Princess Diana.

Flowers in Cellophane on virtually
every available piece of street furniture.

Yes, exactly.

I think it's hard, though,
when they're out there.

Your son was out there, wasn't he, Rosie?

Yeah, in Iraq. He was Rifles.

He's back now, though,
so we're all relieved, really.

Yeah. Cos he's safe now. In fact,
he's very, very, very, very safe now.

- What's he doing?
- He's inside.

Yeah, cos he got done for GBH
in Torquay when he got back.

So he's very, very, very safe. Yeah.

It's funny, really,
when you think about it.

He gets a medal
for what he does out there

and he comes back and does the same
and he gets locked up!

(ROSIE LAUGHS MANICALLY)

Do you get news from him?

Apparently, he leaves these
videotape messages on the interweb.

'Which 1 don't really understand,
but John's into all that sort of thing.

In fact, he's got quite hooked on it.

1 mean, he can spend all night on My Face.

- No.
- Yes, he and his friends.

All night?

- Yes, on My Face.
- You mean Space.

- Book.
- On my Space Book. Is it?

- Facebook
- What?

Have you seen any of these messages?

No, no, no, 1 haven't seen them.

And John says I shouldn't really,
because I'll just blub or something,

silly emotional old fool I am.

We're not great communicators,
we're not great chatterers.

For God's sake! Where is your laptop?

The what?

The...portable.

Oh, it's in John's study, on top
of the Grundig, next to the Amstrad.

- Do sit down, Susie will get it.
- I'll go.

- All night?

Sometimes I wake up, and he's still on it.

SUSIE: That's it, I think.

SAL: Yep.

Caroline,
do you want to see the message?

Yes, 1 suppose 1 should, really.

- Shall we leave?
- No. Good grief.

- Susie, spectacles.
- Right. Here we are. There we go.

Now, how does one go about this?

- Just press that one there.
- There we go.

Hi, everyone. Just to let you know
that we got here safe.

We're all quite tired,
but everyone's doing a fantastic job.

Love you loads. Miss you all

Miss you all loads. Love you, Mum.

Um... Say hello
to everyone at the rugby club.

Love to everyone I know,
and I'll see you on Oclober the 16th.

Love to the dog, Mum.

Can't wait to get back
Out of the mozzies.

Love to Dad.

Well.. I'm amazed they allow them
to have their hair that long.

But 1 suppose since Prince Harry,
anything goes.

Did you hear that?

He'll be fine. He'll be fine.

Come on, stiff lips, stiff lips.

Yeah? Stiff lips.

It's OK, come and sit down.

- Silly old...
- Sit down.

- Sorry I'm weeping. Silly, really. Silly.
- No, it's not.

There you are.

ROSIE: Is that the letter, Caroline?

- What lel:ter"

ROSIE: Well, before they goes out,

sometimes they writes a letter
in case they don't come back.

SAL: Oh, my God.

It's all right.
It's a happy letter, generally.

I read my son's letter
after he got back safely.

What did it say?

Oh, things like,
"Stop crying, you muppets.

"Obviously, something's happened
to me, and now I'm in heaven,

"and one day we'll all be together again,
so just get on with it"

And then he wrote some lovely things
about his nana and then he said,

"A big kick up the arse,”
to his brother

and he says something which your son
probably says as well, Caroline.

He says, "You're the best mother
what anyone could ever have wished for.”

1 doubt that very much.

No, that's what he will have said.

And chins up, Ma and Pa,
and love to the dog.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, God. Right, sorry about that.

Sorry about that. Awkward.

(WHISPERS) Have you read that letter?

CAROLINE: All right, yes.
See you in 2 moment.

(SHE MOUTHS)

Right, they're on their way
from the station.

SAL: Oh, right. Well, we'll push off.

But what about the dinner party?
We'll miss it!

Caroline's had quite enough for one day,
thank you.

Oh, don't feel you have to.

No, leave that. Susie will do everything.

You just push off.

- Sal
- Oh, somy.

Come on. Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.

- Thank you so much.
- Vicar, could 1 have a quick word?

1 do so hate having this letter here.

1 wonder if you would, um,
keep it for us?

Oh. Of course I will, yes.

And pray for him, obviously.

- Obviously.
- Thank you.

Right. Off we go.
Has everyone got their coat?

Are you all all right?

Will you just get this cleared up
and move into the dining room?!

Right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAR HORN TOOTS)

Oh, God, please keep him safe.
That poor boy.

Right, John, light them a fire
and get them a whisky.

Tl get some food. Thank God you didn't
arrive earlier, it was absolutely ghastly.

- Is that the turkey murderer?
- Rtis.

Well, come on, catch up!

1 can't stand being stalked.

Sorry about the turkey.

It's OK. Worse things happen in life.

Pub's that way.

I'll see you home.