Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 3, Episode 2 - Working from Home - full transcript

Oh, just bugger off.

Oh, God.

Why do you have to just lie there?
Why can't you be more dog-like?

Why can't you bark a bit? Kill!

MAN'S VOICE OUTSIDE:
We're half an hour behind already.

- All right, mate?
- Bloody hippies!

I hate that man. He's so sinister,
he's like a murderer or something.

You'd have been so proud of me.

I really, like, gave him the evils.

You could tell he was a bit, like, "Och!™

Good. I've got to go out and feed
that bloody psychopathic turkey,



and 1 don't want to go out with him there.

Especially not dressed like this.
Better put this on.

You have to lead your normal life. You
can't let people like that intimidate you.

Yes, you're right. You're right!

Cos it's this lack of privacy
that I'm fighting for.

Against. Which is it?

Mum, please don't get dementia now.

I'm too young. I've got my whole life
ahead of me. I'm going to have a bath.

Oh, and the turkey's got out.
You're going to have to take a stick.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, I look
like Cynthia Payne.

- Is she one of the Guild?
- If only.

She was an elderly madam who used
to whip politicians into shape.

OK, turkey, here I come.



Maybe you can try and drum up some
business out there. We need the money!

Turkey, turkey, come on!

(BANGING AND SHOUTING)

Go on, go! Morning.

Morning.

I can't get in the house
because the turkey won't let me.

1 wonder why.

Don't be clever,
just move it, will you?

I am actually a nurse.

Who you talking to, Mother?
First client of the day...?

That van's got to move.

Actually, that van hasn't got a battery
so it may be there for some time.

- Travellers' rights.
- I'm not asking you to move it, darlin'.

I'm telling you - it's moving.

(SHE SCREAMS)

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Bloody hell, are you giving me
a spanking?

1 beg your pardon? I am actually a nurse!

Is everything broken, love?

It's not actually broken,
but it's all, like, one end now.

Mum, I think you should go back
in the house now, you look weird.

Do 1?

Bloody hairy-arsed lumps!

I suppose this is what I've got to put up
with now, is it? No more bloody privacy!

Bugger it!

I've gleaned more information
from my box set of 7he Wire,

borrowed from my grandson, Timothy,

than all the booklets and
the stuff from the interweb.

So, what be drugs?

Well, a drug is a substance that,
when absorbed

into the body, alters its function
and it makes you go a little bit funny...

What is it, Eileen?

1 saw what happened this
morning, Sal Shocking!

Thank you, Eileen.

Those bloody builders are vandals.

Less of the bloodys, please, Sal

No, 1 mean you -

dressed like goodness knows what
and swearing like a trooper.

Oh.

Am I right in saying he's moved
the van closer to the house?

Yeah.

God love you, you'll never
be rid of them now.

1 know. 1 wanted them blocking the gate.

That's you. Always up for a fight.

Never make things easier for yourself.

...As you can see on the table in front
of me, I've got all this paraphernalia.

Janine from the Spar, she's
let me have this bongo, or bong?

And this spoon.

And there's rolling papers here
for us to have ago...

- Have you seen him yet?
- Who?

Charles Dance.
I've got my autograph book.

No! And 1 hope I never do.

With his complexion, there's a good
chance of that. Here, give us a look.

Who's that?

I don't know.

OK, next one. Who's that?

Oh, that's... It's not Mr Pastry...

1 don't know, I don't know.

That's me, and that's Margaret
on the bottom.

You can tell, cos she's written,
"Shut up, Rosie!™

It's the same with Jethro,
I wrote that.

But that is his actual name,
Jeth Ro.

- But you wrote it?
- Yeah.

I've got my eye on you, Sal Vine,

as a representative of the Guild.

You know what I mean.

Less of this funny business
with Charles Dance in the offing.

Have you got an offing?

She's certainly got her hands full with
all them builders comin® up her back way!

Rosie!
Ladies, where are your morals?

Where they don't get in the way
of a good joke.

I wish you didn't find this so funny.

I'm sormy, I can't help it!

Right, well, I'm going to work.

Work?

Yes.

You don't go to the surgery
on a Wednesday?

1 work, Eileen.

Yeah, she works.

See ya later.

Oh, are you done, darlin'?

Well, thank you, Pauline,
for that mind-blowing talk.

I think we shall just open it
to the floor for questions.

Do you have any crystal meth
on that table?

Cos 1 quite fancy some of that.

Yeah, you're always up
for the crack, aren't you?

Craic? See what 1 did there, Eileen?

- Very funny.
- I'mon it, aren't I, today?

- Yeah! Crack!
- Crack.

Very funny, Rosie.

- I've got crystal meth at home.
- Really?

Yeah, it's in the fridge.
1 actually prefer it to Dom Pérignon.

Sensible, ladies, please.

Now, I think we should
call this to a close, Pauline,

because the clock is upon us again.

Thank you, ny dear.

Now, then, much to discuss
at the next meeting.

As you know, the Guild - the big national,
great wheel of the Guild, that is.

Is anxious that the smaller wheels
get involved

in the big national issues of the day,

such as the sex trade,
pounds and ounces, etc.

I have to tell you,
I haven't got another talk in me.

Can I do one, Eileen? On cheese?

I am trying to handle
professionals, dear.

But you never get anybody!

How dare you!

1 am trying for the highest quality!

And agents are a nightmare
to deal with!

That's wonderful. You've got
the blood pressure of a teenager.

- You're fine.
- Thank you.

That's OK. And don't forget your cream.

Bye, gorgeous.

(SHE SINGS TO HERSELF)

OK, if you just press on that,
that'll be fine.

- Thank you very much.
- See you next week

- Yes, bye-bye!
- Oh! Bye-bye.

- Hi, Sal
- Hello.

I've brought you the old
Rolodex notes from the surgery,

thought they might be some use.

Oh, brilliant.

A little light reading before bedtime
if nothing else.

My God,
James would kill me if he knew.

- Ah, but he won't know.
- That's Jock out there, isn't it?

He is big, isn't he?

He's a big ugly brute.

Oh, Jim! So sorry,
1 forgot you were in there.

OK, see you next week.

Oh, my God,
he"ll be dead by Wednesday!

(THEY LAUGH)

- Oh, Sal, do 1 need to do a pee for you?
- No.

Oh, right. I'll do this one
for myself, then.

Is he here at all today?

- Who?
- Charles Dance.

- No, not today.
- Do you think he'll give me an autograph?

Would you like to have a look
at my book? Yeah, you would.

- Who's that one?
- That's Noel Edmonds, that is.

Who's on the next page?

Dame Kelly Holmes.
That's the one what won the Olympics

- with the fast running.
- Who's that?

Look who that is - Queen Noor.

That's Michael Jackson.

Bloody woman.

- Who?
- Her in that house. Lady Muck.

Comings and goings all morning.

- What, Sal?
- Yeah.

- What's going on?
- No, don't ask me, cos I can't say.

- No, 1 can't say.
- Why?

No, I can't say, cos it's a secret.

Don't make me say it, don't make me!

- Is she...?
- No, don't, don't.

I'll tell you what she isn't, right?

What she isn't, right, is a nurse,
if you know what I mean?

Is she a prostitute?!

Yeah. Is she?

Is she?!

So why do you think
you're not sleeping?

I've no idea.

I'm just aware that I'm not.

When one is sleeping,
one can't ask why one is,

and when one isn't, or can't,

it's the burning question that literally
keeps one awaker than one was.

- Have you got anything on your mind?
- Yes, generally. Hasn't everybody?

1mean,
anything serious on your mind?

Look, I just need something
to help me sleep.

You know what the gossip's like
round here, you go into the surgery

with a sore throat
and come out with syphilis.

You see, 1 can't prescribe anything.

Haven't you got...something?

Oh, yes, hang on. I've got some old ones
of mine, I think they'll be OK for you.

You have to take them a while before you
go to sleep, but they will do the trick.

Oh, 2006...

They'll be all right.

EILEEN: Sal!

Was that the vicar I saw
going out the back?

No. Well, yes, but, no.

No, he was just here for a chat.

Oh.

What is it you want, Eileen?

Erm, nothing, Sal

Oh, Sal!

You've completely
swamped your filler,

you've over-extended your greens.

I don't know...

1 just wanted to tell you
that I'm going to be asking Jock

to convey an invitation to Charles Dance
to speak in the near future at a meeting.

And...?

And 1 don't want any more trouble
from you on this matter.

Eileen, I haven't got
anything against him.

I just don't want bloody builders
out there for a year

and someone's driveway there!

If you'd be interested in canvassing,
we'd be glad to have you.

- Right. Well, thank you, Tim.
- And you are...

one of us, 1 suppose?

- Lib Dem.
- Well...with leanings.

- Pardon?
- (LOUDLY) Well, between you and me

and sotto voce, as they say,

if we actually ran as Tories round here,
we wouldn't get in!

- Right. Well, I see, yes.
- Good chap.

Frankly, play your cards right,
in a couple of years I'll be off

- and the seat"ll be up for grabs.
- Oh.

Interested?

Well, 1 haven't run all this...

But, yes. I'm a local boy.

My family still live round here.

Perfect.

In fact, my mother has been having
a spot of bother,

wanted me to speak to you about it.

One of those bastard developers
has been doing up a bam

round the back of her house.

Somehow got permission. Ruining
the whole aspect just to make a fast buck.

- No advantage to the town.
- Ghastly, is it?

What would be your position
on something like that?

No! Ghastly. Before you know it
the whole place will be like...

Godalming.

I can look into this for you.

See what 1 can get this fellow on.

- Another pint?
- Just a half, I'm driving.

Ah!

Perhaps Mr Tim Brewer would like
to know who's moving into that bam

before any trouble is caused.

- Mr Charles Dance, Tim!
- TIM: What?

No. It's the principle.

- TIM: What?
-1t 1 were you, 1 wouldn't be getting

on my high horse about the principles
of a town where my mother...

is the local whore.

How dare you!

Sal..

I've seen it. Gentlemen callers
at all hours of the day.

Sneaking in her back door.

TIM: What?

TIM: What?!

Our mother is apparently
a prostitute!

A prostitute,
or at the very least a slut!

I can't believe you're not concerned.
What's she doing? What should we do?

Can 1 just say...? About Mum,
1think you should just ask her.

But if you become an MP, I'm going
to have to disown you immediately.

That would be to my advantage.
So we should have a family meeting.

- Oh, God.
- What?

This isn't about her reputation,
it's about yours.

- Oh, so yes.

No, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes. Ow!

Look, there are other issues here.

This might be an opportunity
for us to be open and...

She is a woman.

Please don't talk about sex

There is a possibility that our mother
is having promiscuous relations.

Promiscuous relations? It's a joke.

She hasn't got Dad any more,
and yet she still has...

needs.

- What is this?
- It's leaf tea.

- What, made with actual leaves?
- Yeah.

Right... Don't start laughing.

- I won't.
- You always do.

That is because it's generally a comedy
you put on for us, brother of mine.

- Now... Mum?
- Yeah?

Will you come through here
and sit down, please?

Yeah. Just making a cup of tea.

- What is this about?
- I don't know.

Unless you're pregnant, are you?

Aw. Bring that in for me, love.

What about this planning thing, James?

Tip said you were talking
to our local tosser MP.

- Did she? Now, Mum...
- Talking to him?

James is going to become
the local tosser MP, from what I heard.

What? James,
I thought that we had agreed...

No, it's not about that.

No, no, no!

James, your father would tum
in his grave

if he thought his only son
was going to be an open Tory.

- Lib Dem, Mum.
- Oh, my God, that's even worse.

Did it not even occur to you to tell me
before announcing it to everyone else?

Please! It's not about that.

It's about Mum.

Now, Mum...we all know that...

that since Dad died, you...

you've not been...having your...

your needs...

- Your sexual needs...
- Where are you going with this?

James?

Oh, God.

James thinks you're a prostitute, Mum.
I don't. I told him it was, like, a joke.

- What are you saying?
- What?!

Mum, have you been sleeping
with men from the town?

Because apparently they've been seen

turning up at your back door
regularly and no-one knows why.

- It's all nudge-nudge, wink-wink.
- Like a Mondy Python sketch?

- Ow!
- Stop it, stop it now. Who said this?

The builder, Jock.

Bloody hell!

Why doesn't he mind his own business?
How dare he think that?!

Then, that all these men come round?

Actually, yeah, Mum.
What is it with all the old men?

It's not just old men.

- What?
- Oh.

- Guild? Please say it's the Guild.
- No, it's not the Guild.

Oh, God, please say this isn't true.

Actually, Mum,
ignore what I said earlier.

Just say this is early,
like, dementia, please?

Get diagnosed now and 1 can register
as your carer and get extra benefits.

- Look...
- Oh, God, what are you going to say now?

- You started this!
- Once a week,

I have a few of the oldies round here.

Oh, no.

Where? Not on this sofa?!

Oh, stop it!

The ones who can't
or won't go to the surgery.

There's not very many of them,
and it's only minor ailments.

1 don't work at the surgery on a
Wednesday. I don't work there much at all!

But that doesn't mean
you can just switch locations!

But they want to see me!
No of fence, Yasmeen.

No.

You can't do this!
This is totally illegal! It's wrong!

- You should employ me more, then!
- This isn't my fault.

- No, its the bloody Government's fault.
- Go for it, Mum!

If they'd give you more money, you could
employ an experienced nurse who cares

and looks after the patients!
Oh, sorry. Sorry again.

I don't think you can
blame the Government!

Where does it happen, then,
this backstreet clinic? In here?

Oh, not in the food preparation area?

Tt's the bloody hill. They can't get
their mobility scooters up the hill

It's easier if they come here.

Oh, so now it's the hill's fault?

It's a horrid hill, even in a car.

It's against the law.

Oh! Propranolol? Amitriptyline?

General analgesics? Antitheumatics?

Cardiovascular musculoskeletal...?

Minor ailments?!

Just think of it as
a new polyclinic model

The local PTC wants patients
closer to the services.

You're hiding them in Ribena boxes!
There is a child in the house!

He doesn't actually like Ribena.

Oh, please tell me you're not...?

Only the once, she was just passing.
They don't like doing it with Yasmeen.

Sorry again, Yasmeen.

No, I think that's completely fine.
I don't like doing it, either.

Mum, apart from anything else,
you don't ever lock your door.

Do you even have
a lock on your door?

- You really don't need it in this area.
- It's very antisocial

Anyway, it's got to stop.
You cannot do this as a hobby!

That's right, Mum. Stop helping people,
start knitting so that James

can go into politics
without having an embarrassing family.

After a lifetime spent with you two
I'm rather desensitised.

1 never complained when you dropped
me off at school in your nightie,

when you joined in
on sports day “for a laugh®.

When you snogged Tip
in front of my friends

when they asked what a lesbian was.

But now,
just because 1 want to do something

for a greater cause than "a laugh®,
I'm suddenly an arsehole.

- Have we finished?
- Oh, yes, do please go.

James..1 don't think you're an arsehole.

Look, I can't do gardening,
not with that lot out there.

And, anyway, that Jock is so
going to get it in the neck!

Oh, no, please, just leave it.

No! I mean, who the hell
does he think he is?!

- Why don't you just leave I
- No! *

OK, Mum, telly off, time to go.
Spike just called,

bastardy Scottishy buildery man
is in the pub.

- Right.
- Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

I'm getting, like, festival vibe.

It's like the G20. "Eat the bankers!™

In fact...

- What are you doing?
- I'm using "kettle" tactics.

I'm going to kettle you
till you're really, really furious.

You may not eat or pee!

I am really furious.

Yeah? Sure 1 don't need to slap you?

- Stop it. Let's go.
- Yeah, you go, Mother!

(SHOUTS) Yes, you can!
Oh, my God, I wish I'd brought my whistle.

Yes, yes, I'd be happy to canvass.

(LOUDLY AND SLOWLY): The thing to remember
about most of the people from around here,

and you have to say this quite quietly,
is they are rather stupid.

- Really?
- I just said that slower, didn't I?

No paper again, Tip,
I had to use my tissue.

Oh, my God, I just heard Sal is on
her way and she's in high dudgeon!

There may be bloodshed.

Drink your last, dead man walking.

Oh, Sal? Oh, well..

Yes, you might "Oh, well".

While you still have one.

- Tip...
- Come on, admit it.

You thought the worst.

- You believed the gossip.
- Yes, but...

You were prepared to sacrifice one
of your own at the altar of Charles Dance.

Please, if I can just speak in my
own defence for one moment, please.

Even if Sal had been a sex worker,
1 would've been forced

to look positively at it
because it is Guild policy

to legalise that sort of sex trade.

Sal knows you didn't
stick up for her.

You were prepared to believe the worst
rather than upset some bloody actor.

And you, you're very quiet now.

Trying not to get involved.

Well, you are. You might be able to waltz
into Wiltshire and do your business,

but not here.
A vengeance will be had.

Two more pints, please.

- It's all my fault, isn't it?
- No, Rosie.

Margaret said 1 was an idiot.

No, Rosie.

Still, I kept my secret, didn't I?

You did, darling.

Your mother's on her way up.

- What?
- High noon.

Oh, God.

Your mother? How nice.

Well, she may be some time,
so just drink up, please, just drink up.

I'm very good with old dears.
Is this a photo op?

No, just drink.

This is going to be good.

All we need are swinging doors.

This is what a pub should be,
a place for the town to let off steam.

A saloon! Bring on the balsa-wood chairs
and the sugar-glass bottles.

They can ban smoking, but
they can't ban a fight. 1 want trouble!

She's here!

Hiya, Rosie. Hello, lady.

Hi, Tip. Hi, Eileen.

Hi, Sal..

Small white wine, please.

James, can 1 buy you a drink?

Er, no, we're fine, thanks.

Mum, that's the MP!

Thanks, Tash.

Hi, I'm Sal, James' mother.

Tim. He's going to be
doing some work for us.

Oh, good,
the elections are coming round.

Yes, they are, and 1 need
allthe support 1 can get.

Good.

Guild election's coming up, Eileen?

You need all the support
you can get.

Yes!

Listen, James, before I...

If you need to contact me, you can
ring my wife who is my "secretary”.

Well, she's my secretary, my "wife".

No, she's my wife, she's not my "wife".
She's my wife and she's my secretary.

And 1 don't have two wives.
1have one wife, it's not a scam.

She's not a duck house,
I think that's what I'm trying to say.

Look, during the election time,

1 can helicopter in if you think
there's a good photo opportunity...

Marvellous.

She actually is a nurse.

Oh, 1 said it!

(SHE BAAS)

Tash! Why don't you come
over here, darling?

I'd rather die.

This is so embarrassing.

(MUSIC OBSCURES TALKING)

Oh, my God! Bloody hell

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

No, no, look, he's come for his
sleeping pills and taken some.

What are you going to do?

Oh, we'll let him have a sleep.

I'll give him a little blanket.

At least he's getting
a bit of kip, isn't he?

Oh, look.

Baby Boo. (LAUGHS)

Helloooo!

I must get a lock on that door.
What is it, Eileen?

Oh!

Oh! Sal, we feel
we owe you an apology.

1 owe you an apology. We should
be more understanding, darling.

I'm somy, too. It's just that
I'm just so angry, though. I know.

Cup of tea? What a lovely idea.

I'm not quite sure, should I use...?

Vicar! Mum, I...

James?

Vicar?

God, I must get a lock
to put on both those doors.

KATE RUSBY: # We are
the Village Green Preservation Sociely

# God save Donald Duck

# Vaudeville and variety

# We are
the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society

# God save strawberry jam

# And all the different varieties

# Preserving the old ways

# From being abused

# Protecting the new ways

# For me and for you

# What more can we do? #