Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 3, Episode 1 - Easter - full transcript
Sal oversleeps on Easter Sunday, as she is drinking heavily and with some reason. Tash and Spike are still living with her whilst they do up their van and a barn in the field at the end of her garden is to be converted into a trendy dwelling, taking away her view. Initially everybody is supportive of her opposition but they all change their minds when they believe that the new occupant is to be Charles Dance.
KATE RUSBY: # We are
the Village Green Preservation Sociely
# God save Donald Duck
# Vaudeville and variety
# We are
the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
# And all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
# From being abused
# Protecting the new ways
# For me and for you
# What more can we do? #
All right, my friends,
keep it down now.
Sal, you'll have another one.
Don't let me down, you're a single woman
now and it's Sunday tomorrow
and, on that basis alone,
I'm going to make it a large one.
- Hooray! God, I love a lock-in.
- What are you having, Rosie?
I'm going to have a blue WKD
and pork scratchings, please, Tip.
Coming up.
How are the lambs, Rosie?
Yeah, lovely, warming up lovely, yeah.
Here, Tip, tell Colin, if he's got any
more lambs need feeding, I'm the woman.
I loves lambs. I love "em!
I love lambs. They always have them
in the farmer's field
at the bottom of the garden.
Do you know,
there's none there this year.
Do you think they're lambing late?
Now, Kate Bales, you have been nursing
that orange juice for long enough.
May I take it to the mortuary and
tempt you with something from my optics?
Ooh!
Ooh... Ooh, let me think...
James, you can see why she doesn't
miss her job at the surgery, can't you?
Yes, ever the irresponsible
dispenser of drugs.
Ah, but 1 can prescribe here as well
Couldn't be happier.
And I have Rolodex notes
of all of my clients' needs.
So...Kate Bales...
Mickey Finn?
- Ooh!
- Ooh, no! No, I'm fine, thank you.
I've never been to a lock-in before.
So, how long is it for?
How long are we locked in for?
Idiot woman.
You can go whenever you like, Kate.
You know, feel free to leave.
Oh, no, no. I'll stay to the end.
Don't want to miss anything.
- (BLEATING)
- So...Jimbob?
Oh, no, I'm fine sipping
the large drink I already have, thanks.
Oh, don't look at me like that. I mean,
can't I just go out and have a drink?
It's not as if I'm drinking all the time.
Why, I've known you go...hours
without touching a drop.
Oh, shut up. See, I'm not drunk.
- Your Holiness?
- Well..
We're fine. Remember, we're here
to show my mother
it is possible to have an enjoyable night
out without getting completely plastered.
What do they call those
older women who binge-drink?
- Ladettes.
- More like old baguettes.
Old baguette culture.
Missed!
(BLEATING)
- So...
Some civilised conversation.
Yes.
- So.
- So, er...
er..busy day tomorrow, 1 imagine.
Yes, very.
Yes, er, Sunday and all that.
Is it?
You know, Doctor, Doctor,
you'll know the answer to this.
Would it be all right for me
to have another WKD, Doctor?
Would that be all right
for the lambs?
Cos I've heard it goes
into your breast milk.
- What's she talking about?
- Don't engage.
I've heard there's babies what gets
addicted to Bacardi Breezers in the womb.
- Really?
- Yeah, God, yeah.
Cos, like, when 1 had my boys,
my doctor said that my medication would go
through nty bosoms right into them.
That's why they craved the Ritalin.
Would it be the same for lambs?
Don't engage.
You're not very nice for a vicar.
Oh, I'm so sorry(!)
You see, even when you say that,
1 don't believe you.
Ohhh!
- Ohhh!
- Oh, isn't it gorgeous?
- Yes!
- It's just so...
- ...lamby!
- Would you like to suckle him?
- No, go on.
It hurts a bit when it latches on,
but otherwise...
No! No, thank you, no!
Go on, Katie Bales!
That'll get your hormones going!
My hormones are fine, thank you very much!
The merry widows, huh?
What are you doing in here
on a Saturday night?
You're young, you should be out
getting some.
Oh, stop it, you'll make me blush!
You shut up, woman,
you'll close this place down.
We love the sad and lonely.
Don't you be puttin® thoughts
in their heads about movin' on.
1 mean, 1 do think about it.
1 do sometimes wish..1 could be
walked home by a man. Don't you?
No. I've got James.
But wouldn't you rather it was a man?
- Excuse me!
- (LAUGHTER)
Oh, sorry! 1 forgot you were a man!
QOh, no, 1 didn't mean...
Oh, what did I mean? Oh, no!
What's in this orange juice?
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. I've got the opposite problem,
you see.
1 can't get any time to myself
because I've got Tash and Spikey
watching the telly.
For crying out loud, woman, you bought
them the van, now make them live in it.
Exactly.
Well, they're going to do it up
and then they'll go.
1 just wish they'd get a bloody move on.
- Well, tell them!
=T will!
Well, do it tomorrow when we're
coming round for lunch.
Are you going to remember that
we're all coming for lunch tomorrow?
Will you stop hassling me?
You've got to stop treating me
like I've got...dementia or something.
- What about you, Rosie?
- What?
How are you getting home?
Is Ricky going to come and pick you up?
No, he's away at the moment.
He takes the lomies to Turkey
and Bulgari-aria at the moment,
so he's away a lot.
Oh, God, need to go to the toilet... Argh!
Right.
Did you see that? I'm fine.
She's OK
It was the stool, I got up
and it was stuck to my arse.
It suctioned to your arse.
Because it's a stool!
- (LOUD BANGING)
- (GASPING)
Shh!
This is a private party and
these are all my closest friends.
In fact.. they are
all my closest friends.
That's not true, I've never
seen her before in my life, m'lud!
Would you hush, Rosie?
MAN: I've booked a room.
Oh, God, I forgot you
were coming in late.
Right. Make yourself at home.
It's a giant!
Now, what can 1 get you before 1
show you what we call_the room?
Just kidding, it's lovely.
Something from the taps or
can I tempt you with my optics?
- Whisky.
- A fine choice.
They say what whisky will not cure,
there is no cure for.
Ta.
(HE SIGHS)
Is it me,
or has the atmosphere tumed Gothic?
Yes. Poor chap.
Chosen a short break, no doubt,
in an area of outstanding natural beauty,
only to be greeted by
the cast of The Wicker Man.
(HE SIGHS)
- Right, - Ohh!
that's it, Mother!
# Will you stay in our lovers' story?
# If you stay, you won't be sorry
# Cos we believe in you
# Soon you'll grow
so take a chance on a couple of kooks
# Hung up on romancing
# Will you stay in our lovers' story? #
Mum, 1 am doing everything by myself.
Raph, 1 think we're going to use the back
garden. This is, like..too disgusting.
# ...Soon you'll grow to take a chance
with a couple of kooks
# Hung up on romancing. #
Ohh...
She's awake!
- What's happening?
- Where are the eggs?
Well, in the fridge.
No, for the Easter egg hunt.
Mum wants to know.
Oh, God.
Easter eggs.
Are you feeling sick?
No, no, I'm fine, darling, thank you.
Oh, ta.
Where are the eggs?
Why do they keep changing the date?
Oh, yeah, Uncle James rang
to remind you about lunch.
(BELLS RING)
Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm so glad
you found it inspiring. Thank you.
No Susie?
Er, no, she and family are throwing
themselves down a mountain.
Oh, I loves Easter, don't you?
The stories are so good at Easter.
Jesus has now been regurgitated
and walks amongst us.
Resurrected, darlin.
Yeah, and then he's going to go out
and be thrice denied by the cockerel
No, not denied by the cockerel
- Oh, I thought it was the cockerel
- No...
You're looking a bit peaky, Vicar.
I hope you're all right.
We've got to have a talk
about the position of verger
over a Bénédictine now that
Queenie's gone to her sister's.
Church business, not yours.
Vicar, er..1 could do it. Can 1 verge?
1 knows how you dos it.
Well, er, let me.. think about it.
Oh, leave it now,
we've got the parish magazine to sort.
Before we know it Ascension
will descend upon us. Hello, SaL
- Just going home?
- That was a night, wasn't it, Sal?
1 don't remember, actually,
and 1 don't want to be reminded.
I'm happy in my amnesia.
Do you remember when she fell
off her stool, eh, Vicar?
- Were you there, Vicar?
- I was there too.
Sormry I didn't make it
to the church service, Vicar. I overslept.
Too late now, I'm afraid.
Jesus has left da building, as they say.
Sormy, I've got to rush. I want to get
Andy to open up and give me a chicken.
The mind boggles.
The butcher!
- Oh, hey up, Jock!
- When do those bloody bells stop?
When the people stop pulling the ropes
usually.
So sony if they're disturbing you.
Perhaps you'd like me to have them shot.
Sorry about him. (CHUCKLES)
Hello, lovely dog.
- Mam?
- Yep.
Oh, Easter eggs - yay.
Urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, yum.
- Which one is mine?
- They're for after lunch, Tash.
Just remember
I don't like dark chocolate.
OK.
Where are the ones...
the little ones for the hunt?
In one of the bags.
Mum, you have to come
and see the van.
- It's been cleaned and looks amazing.
- Yep. In a minute.
When we've finished,
we're going to do, like, New York loft
style-y, but for now, it's just our stuff.
Yep. OK
(EGGS CLATTER)
- One over there, mate.
- Spike, don't help him.
And, um, the rules, OK,
no matter who gets the most,
we're all going to share them out evenly,
OK, so it's like really fair.
(CLUCKING)
(SCREAMS) Can you put that turkey away?
He's going to kill me!
Here...
I thought we were going to eat this
for Easter?
Poor old Turkey Lurkey.
1 rescued him from the Christmas market.
He's horrible, though, isn't he?
It looks like Mike's mother.
What's that?
It's a planning application notice.
- Where's it from?
- What is it?
It's a planning application notice.
Have you seen it before?
Oh, yeah, cos it's been nailed
to the gate behind the van for ages.
- Your van?
- Yeah.
- Have you read it?
You should have told me it was there.
If your bloody van wasn't there,
I could have bloody seen it for myself.
But that is only there because you
didn't want it right up next to the house.
What does it say?
It says they're going to convert the bam
in the top field.
Huh, nice.
No!
This notice is six months old.
It's too late, Mum.
Oh, bloody hell!
Why didn't 1 know anything about this?
1 don't want builders out there
for 12 months.
I mean, that's the only view
I've got left.
The only place
they haven't built on yet.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- Mum, you can't see the bam.
Er...my egg appears to be dark chocolate.
That's all they had left.
But the field, they will ruin the field.
It'll be such a mess.
God, there'll be bloody big driveways,
bloody big gates...and traffic!
1 mean, 1 sit out there! Rt is private.
1 can take my top off in the summer.
- I wondered who that was.
- What?!
- You're on Google Earth.
- Really?
(LAUGHING) Can you see my tits
from outer space?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, don't be such a prude.
She's my mother.
Anyway, I think it's outrageous and
I'm not going to put up with it. Right...
Hmm...
it isn't cooked,
just eat the little bits round the edge
and I'll ram it back in the oven.
But all the bacterial blood has
flowed through the bit we will eat
where you stabbed at it,
501 just think we should wait.
No, it is cooked.
Just serve the vegetables, Yasmeen.
- Do you mean us, Mother?
- Don't try and get round me.
1 bought you that bloody van
50 that you would go travelling.
Can we have a few less "bloodys",
please?
Yes, Mum. Could you
try and mot ruin Easter, please.
And anyway - hello! -
how are we supposed to move it
when neither of us can drive?
Something else
they didn't teach you at Eton(?)
- Chauffeur.
- You can drive - you passed your test.
But then Dad
refused to buy me a car, so...
- (SIGHS) And anyway...
- There's always an "and anyway".
Yes. And anyway...we are going to use
the van as business premises.
Wh-what business?
- Spike?
- I'm just going to see how Raphy's doing.
Well ..urban foraging.
We are like urban foragers. You know,
like, urban abundance - free food.
- And that's a business(?)
- Oh, don't start.
TASH: Yeah, it is a
non-for-profit-making business.
JAMES: Well, it's not a business, then.
Yeah, it's stuff that no-one wants
or that they throw away
- or that kind of grows wild, anyway.
- Oh, like a Womble(?)
And what sort of abundance
are you dealing with at the moment(?)
Well, it's spring,
so we have to wait for things to grow.
Oh, yes.
Look, I'm sorry, 1 cannot
be held responsible for the seasons!
Don't keep this going!
I'm surprised the council
haven't towed you away...
- ...Statutory notification?
- Oh, do you mean the statutory
"1 have to inform the Government
for the privilege of not using
"my own property" form?
Please, Mr Post Office!
And while I'm at it, the form to not be
hassled for not watching "idiot lantem"®,
please? And please can 1 pay you
to not pick up my recycling because
actually it all goes in the wormery?
Oh, and the form so that
you can't just steal my internal organs,
01 end up disembowelled
through forgetfulness,
or locked up for having a life. Excuse me!
- Oh... Mum?
- Yeah?
James thinks you're an alcoholic.
- I'm sure he doesn't.
- No!
Well, I'm not!
I know you're just looking out for me,
like I used to look out for your dad,
- but I'm fine!
- Yeah, Mum is fine, James.
Anyway, why is it all right
for men but not women?
Men can be noble and troubled
and arty and great writers
and women are just drunk!
I didn't say it was OK for men!
Are there any famous women drinkers?
Princess Margaret.
YASMEEN:
But she didn't actually do anything.
- She had bloody good fun!
- Didn't she bum her feet?
OK. AU right.
If it'L keep you happy,
I will give up drink for a whole month.
Is that all right?
And now you can help us clear up.
And while you're clearing up,
you can think of ideas of how
we can stop the bam conversion.
JAMES: 1 don't think you can.
Bam owls.
That's a good idea, Spike!
SPIKE: 1 know a fine purveyor
of rare bats.
Really? Good thinking, Spike!
They, whoever they are,
have got permission.
Have you switched eggs?
No.
Well, yeah, but Raph doesn't mind.
I do!
Why don't you give
Tash a driving lesson?
What, in this?
- (ENGINE RATTLES)
- I don't what that noise is!
Weird.
I'm going to the pub!
There's some yoghurts in the fridge.
The pub?!
What a surprise!
What happened to giving up
for a whole month?
John's not around, he's
off skiing with Susie and Charles.
They like to go off-piste, I don't.
- Right.
- I've been admiring your jugs.
John mentioned them to me. He caught
sight of them the other evening.
Are they yours, or are they
just for decoration?
Look...
1... Decorative, yeah.
Tip? Is there anything you wish to add
to the parish magazine we are compiling?
No.
It will be broadcast on the
interweb as well, won't it, darling?
Yes!
Now, then, any church news?
- You've got all the dates?
- Yes.
Right. Start.
"Pair of spectacles found
in the Sue Ryder charity shop.”
Stop.
"Unclear whether donation
or accident.”
- Stop.
- You don't have to say "stop”.
"Aqua aerobics will continue
"to be held in the Town Hall
until further notice.” Stop.
"No bikinis, please.” Stop.
Stop saying "stop™!
I'm saying,
please stop wearing bikinis!
- Stop.
- (FOOTSTEPS)
Oooh, here he is!
Ooh, look at him!
He's hu-u-uge!
Are you a giant?
You havin' a giant's holiday,
are you?
1 know you're on holiday,
cos we haven't got any local giants.
We just haven't got
the facilities for "em, I'm afraid.
Do you like it here, do you?
1 don't really like villages.
Well, just as well
we're a town, then, isn't it?
Bit easier for you, I should think.
If you were in a village, everybody'd
be pointing at you, like that.
Whereas we're used to "em here.
We get "em all here.
We have Jethro. Do you know Jethro?
Yeah, he comes down here,
he goes in the Spar.
He's cracking all those
Cornish gags in there!
He's hilarious! Yeah...
He's not a giant, he's just a human.
We've got loads of others come here.
Judi Spiers... (GASPS)
Yeah, she comes here...
The Guild Ladies' news section,
that's very thin. As usual
1 can sense apathy coming up.
Wa-hey!
# Oh, what a night! #
I've just found this planning notice.
Some bloody developer is going
to convert Old Whiddons bam
at the back of my house!
And they're building a bloody great
driveway right across the field!
Well, that was from ages ago.
- What? You mean you knew about this?
- It was in the parish magazine.
Well, if you didn't see the notice,
I hope you read the magazine.
Well, no, actually, I didn't, Eileen.
But 1 am going to fight this!
I don't think I've ever seen that bam.
Googly Earth it.
Isn't that what you do?
No, actually, don't do that.
1, for one, am completely
behind your protest.
They come in, they buy up old property,
and who will live there?
Second homers. They lock themselves
behind their electric gates
and before you know it,
the town is dead.
Well put. Take God out of it,
and suddenly you're an orator!
Yes, 1 couldn't agree more!
1 mean, before you know it,
there'll be a constant buzz of strimmers
and all the driveways will be littered
with stone mushrooms
and the whole place
will look like Gloucestershire!
Or even worse,
pubs with Michelin stars!
The man is on a roll!
We need to keep our town rough,
that's what we want!
Affordable housing for the young.
I tell you another thing -
the Spar will go.
Yeah, it'll be Ocado deliveries
through those electric gates!
- Ocado!
- Don't all sound so local themselves.
I'm the only one here!
1 must say, Sal, 1 feel myself
moving over to your side!
1 can feel a cause coming on me!
This is just what the Guild needs -
a purpose, a fight.
And this is big. It's got
the Big Wheel written all over it!
Now, emergency meeting
is called for.
- Your place all right, Sal?
- Yes.
- One hour hence?
- Good. Yes.
When do you think the diggers
will be moving in, Sal?
Don't know.
Tomorrow.
(SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS
CLOSING THEME TUNE)
(JAMES MIMICS SOUND OF ENGINE)
What should you be thinking about now?
- Emergency stop?
- No, no, no!
I don't know! I don't know.
Indicate.
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. No...
Are you part of this Guild, then?
Yeah, sorry about that.
Bunch of old women don't scare me.
Well, you should be scared of them!
They're shocking, that lot!
Terrible!
You might get it built,
but they'll make it difficult for you.
Didn't you hear 'em?
I wouldn't mind you
at the bottom of my garden!
Except I haven't got a garden.
I've got a patio.
I won't be living in the bam.
Oh. Who will be, then?
- Can't say.
- Oh.
Oooh! Oh! (GASPS)
Is it a celebrity?
Is it Gareth Gates? Is it? No! No!
I know - is it Prince Charming? Not
Charming - Charles, Prince Charles!
Is it? Cos he's got a couple
of places out here.
He's got a bungalow in Hole
and he's got a llama farm in Exeter!
What about Joss Stone?
She's bought up all of Tiverton!
Can you believe it?
What about Noel Edmonds?
He had the keys to Devon, he did!
But they took "em off him,
because he didn't know
what box they were in.
Yeah! Who is it, then?
I can't say.
Oh. Right.
Is it Judi Spiers?
- I don't know who that is.
- Oh, right. Oh.
Oh...
Oh-ooh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Is it? Is it? Is it?
- Is it? Is it?
- No, I can"t say.
Oh, right, you can't say.
You can't "say", can you?
You can't say!
Right, yeah!
Yeah,
that's my little secret, that is.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE)
Oh, this is exciting!
Anybody caking?
I hadn't realised what
an intrusion it's going to be.
The driveway is right there
against that wall
Yeah, it's an issue of privacy, isn't it?
I'll tell you another thing, Sal,
the price of this house will plummet!
- Oh, great, thanks!
- We should get Prince Charles out here!
He'd be up in arms!
Now, Tip, can 1 just say,
we are all in the same room,
within earshot, darling.
- No explosions!
- Thank you. I am now totally inhibited!
I mean, you let one barmn happen
and there's a rash!
Absolutely!
Now, are we all who we are to be?
We seem few.
I hope more come. We've got to stop them
before they bring the diggers in tomorrow!
We need a caucus before we can
officially adopt the cause as policy
and organise a protest.
- TIP: What is a caucus?
- Oh, Tip, it's more than four.
And, as I am in my capacity,
I don't count.
So if you want to propose
a resolution to the Guild,
you have to have a caucus
before submission.
Are we going to be able to stop them?
We will do our best, my dear.
That man will rue the day
he came across a force as formidable
as the Guild in full battle cry.
- TIP: No Paper!
- In the little cupboard.
ROSIE: Oh...! Oh...!
Oh, Rosie! Good, good, good.
We are a caucus.
Listen, listen, listen!
- What?
- I have news of great importance.
- What?
- Sit down.
No, no, no. Charles Dance!
- Sorry. Charles Dance.
- What, Rosie?
He's going to be living
in that bam over there. Not Jock.
He's building it for Charles Dance!
- Oh, come on.
- What?
Yes, 1 asked Jock,
he's not building it for him.
He's building it for Charles Dance!
- I don't really know who that is.
- He's making it up.
No, cross my heart, hope to die,
he isn't!
There was that article
in the Western Morning News ...
About how much he loves the area,
would love to live here.
Oh, my word!
Actually, this makes total sense
because the other day John said he saw
someone near us when he was on his way
to London, that he knew from somewhere
but he couldn't finger him.
He said he'd never seen him
before but he knew him -
you know what men are like -
I mean, that makes total sense.
That makes absolute total sense
in every possible way.
Sal - Charles Dance!
Charles Dance! Charles Dance!
Can't really say anything now,
can we, Sal?
Bloody hell! What about my privacy?
Whatever happened to "the cause"?
Oh, get real, Sal!
We're talking Charles Dance here!
1 mean, just think about the speakers
and the cachet he'll bring in.
Just a minute.
That field with that bam in it -
that is within
the Clatterford boundary, I take it?
- He won't be in Hole, will he?
- No.
Ooh...Hole will be spitting!
It certainly trumps
their Tesco Metro.
Who wouldn't want
Charles Dance in their patch?
What's he ever been in,
Charles Dance? Is he the ginger one?
Not ginger. He's Titian. He is Titian.
He was the...what-d'ya-call-it...
in the who-ja-ma-flip.
Yes, that's right. That's right, Caroline,
he was the ivory merchant
in the film of that same name.
Oh, dear. He always performs his
parts with such flair and brioche.
- Ladmmuvender'
- Yes, Ladies In Lavender, yes.
- Yes, John and I saw that.
- We thought that was a proper film.
- Haven't seen it.
Oh, Sal, this changes everything.
Charles Dance.
And of course he's got the security of
knowing Sal's here. She'd be a key holder.
1 don't believe I'm hearing this.
Strangely, 1 do.
Stay there, ladies.
You do the talking. You talk.
No, it's all right.
Would you please give
Mr Charles Dance our joint regards.
And 1 have written here,
on this paper my name and number
for any contacts he might want
in the village, any help. Anything.
He can rest himself assured
he is most welcome.
1 couldn't help telling them.
Cos Jock said it was a secret.
Sorry, Jock.
- He's going to need that van moving, Sal
- Over my dead body.
- You need a drink.
- Yeah, 1 bloody do.
Bye, Jock. Jock, bye!
Bye.
the Village Green Preservation Sociely
# God save Donald Duck
# Vaudeville and variety
# We are
the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
# And all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
# From being abused
# Protecting the new ways
# For me and for you
# What more can we do? #
All right, my friends,
keep it down now.
Sal, you'll have another one.
Don't let me down, you're a single woman
now and it's Sunday tomorrow
and, on that basis alone,
I'm going to make it a large one.
- Hooray! God, I love a lock-in.
- What are you having, Rosie?
I'm going to have a blue WKD
and pork scratchings, please, Tip.
Coming up.
How are the lambs, Rosie?
Yeah, lovely, warming up lovely, yeah.
Here, Tip, tell Colin, if he's got any
more lambs need feeding, I'm the woman.
I loves lambs. I love "em!
I love lambs. They always have them
in the farmer's field
at the bottom of the garden.
Do you know,
there's none there this year.
Do you think they're lambing late?
Now, Kate Bales, you have been nursing
that orange juice for long enough.
May I take it to the mortuary and
tempt you with something from my optics?
Ooh!
Ooh... Ooh, let me think...
James, you can see why she doesn't
miss her job at the surgery, can't you?
Yes, ever the irresponsible
dispenser of drugs.
Ah, but 1 can prescribe here as well
Couldn't be happier.
And I have Rolodex notes
of all of my clients' needs.
So...Kate Bales...
Mickey Finn?
- Ooh!
- Ooh, no! No, I'm fine, thank you.
I've never been to a lock-in before.
So, how long is it for?
How long are we locked in for?
Idiot woman.
You can go whenever you like, Kate.
You know, feel free to leave.
Oh, no, no. I'll stay to the end.
Don't want to miss anything.
- (BLEATING)
- So...Jimbob?
Oh, no, I'm fine sipping
the large drink I already have, thanks.
Oh, don't look at me like that. I mean,
can't I just go out and have a drink?
It's not as if I'm drinking all the time.
Why, I've known you go...hours
without touching a drop.
Oh, shut up. See, I'm not drunk.
- Your Holiness?
- Well..
We're fine. Remember, we're here
to show my mother
it is possible to have an enjoyable night
out without getting completely plastered.
What do they call those
older women who binge-drink?
- Ladettes.
- More like old baguettes.
Old baguette culture.
Missed!
(BLEATING)
- So...
Some civilised conversation.
Yes.
- So.
- So, er...
er..busy day tomorrow, 1 imagine.
Yes, very.
Yes, er, Sunday and all that.
Is it?
You know, Doctor, Doctor,
you'll know the answer to this.
Would it be all right for me
to have another WKD, Doctor?
Would that be all right
for the lambs?
Cos I've heard it goes
into your breast milk.
- What's she talking about?
- Don't engage.
I've heard there's babies what gets
addicted to Bacardi Breezers in the womb.
- Really?
- Yeah, God, yeah.
Cos, like, when 1 had my boys,
my doctor said that my medication would go
through nty bosoms right into them.
That's why they craved the Ritalin.
Would it be the same for lambs?
Don't engage.
You're not very nice for a vicar.
Oh, I'm so sorry(!)
You see, even when you say that,
1 don't believe you.
Ohhh!
- Ohhh!
- Oh, isn't it gorgeous?
- Yes!
- It's just so...
- ...lamby!
- Would you like to suckle him?
- No, go on.
It hurts a bit when it latches on,
but otherwise...
No! No, thank you, no!
Go on, Katie Bales!
That'll get your hormones going!
My hormones are fine, thank you very much!
The merry widows, huh?
What are you doing in here
on a Saturday night?
You're young, you should be out
getting some.
Oh, stop it, you'll make me blush!
You shut up, woman,
you'll close this place down.
We love the sad and lonely.
Don't you be puttin® thoughts
in their heads about movin' on.
1 mean, 1 do think about it.
1 do sometimes wish..1 could be
walked home by a man. Don't you?
No. I've got James.
But wouldn't you rather it was a man?
- Excuse me!
- (LAUGHTER)
Oh, sorry! 1 forgot you were a man!
QOh, no, 1 didn't mean...
Oh, what did I mean? Oh, no!
What's in this orange juice?
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. I've got the opposite problem,
you see.
1 can't get any time to myself
because I've got Tash and Spikey
watching the telly.
For crying out loud, woman, you bought
them the van, now make them live in it.
Exactly.
Well, they're going to do it up
and then they'll go.
1 just wish they'd get a bloody move on.
- Well, tell them!
=T will!
Well, do it tomorrow when we're
coming round for lunch.
Are you going to remember that
we're all coming for lunch tomorrow?
Will you stop hassling me?
You've got to stop treating me
like I've got...dementia or something.
- What about you, Rosie?
- What?
How are you getting home?
Is Ricky going to come and pick you up?
No, he's away at the moment.
He takes the lomies to Turkey
and Bulgari-aria at the moment,
so he's away a lot.
Oh, God, need to go to the toilet... Argh!
Right.
Did you see that? I'm fine.
She's OK
It was the stool, I got up
and it was stuck to my arse.
It suctioned to your arse.
Because it's a stool!
- (LOUD BANGING)
- (GASPING)
Shh!
This is a private party and
these are all my closest friends.
In fact.. they are
all my closest friends.
That's not true, I've never
seen her before in my life, m'lud!
Would you hush, Rosie?
MAN: I've booked a room.
Oh, God, I forgot you
were coming in late.
Right. Make yourself at home.
It's a giant!
Now, what can 1 get you before 1
show you what we call_the room?
Just kidding, it's lovely.
Something from the taps or
can I tempt you with my optics?
- Whisky.
- A fine choice.
They say what whisky will not cure,
there is no cure for.
Ta.
(HE SIGHS)
Is it me,
or has the atmosphere tumed Gothic?
Yes. Poor chap.
Chosen a short break, no doubt,
in an area of outstanding natural beauty,
only to be greeted by
the cast of The Wicker Man.
(HE SIGHS)
- Right, - Ohh!
that's it, Mother!
# Will you stay in our lovers' story?
# If you stay, you won't be sorry
# Cos we believe in you
# Soon you'll grow
so take a chance on a couple of kooks
# Hung up on romancing
# Will you stay in our lovers' story? #
Mum, 1 am doing everything by myself.
Raph, 1 think we're going to use the back
garden. This is, like..too disgusting.
# ...Soon you'll grow to take a chance
with a couple of kooks
# Hung up on romancing. #
Ohh...
She's awake!
- What's happening?
- Where are the eggs?
Well, in the fridge.
No, for the Easter egg hunt.
Mum wants to know.
Oh, God.
Easter eggs.
Are you feeling sick?
No, no, I'm fine, darling, thank you.
Oh, ta.
Where are the eggs?
Why do they keep changing the date?
Oh, yeah, Uncle James rang
to remind you about lunch.
(BELLS RING)
Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm so glad
you found it inspiring. Thank you.
No Susie?
Er, no, she and family are throwing
themselves down a mountain.
Oh, I loves Easter, don't you?
The stories are so good at Easter.
Jesus has now been regurgitated
and walks amongst us.
Resurrected, darlin.
Yeah, and then he's going to go out
and be thrice denied by the cockerel
No, not denied by the cockerel
- Oh, I thought it was the cockerel
- No...
You're looking a bit peaky, Vicar.
I hope you're all right.
We've got to have a talk
about the position of verger
over a Bénédictine now that
Queenie's gone to her sister's.
Church business, not yours.
Vicar, er..1 could do it. Can 1 verge?
1 knows how you dos it.
Well, er, let me.. think about it.
Oh, leave it now,
we've got the parish magazine to sort.
Before we know it Ascension
will descend upon us. Hello, SaL
- Just going home?
- That was a night, wasn't it, Sal?
1 don't remember, actually,
and 1 don't want to be reminded.
I'm happy in my amnesia.
Do you remember when she fell
off her stool, eh, Vicar?
- Were you there, Vicar?
- I was there too.
Sormry I didn't make it
to the church service, Vicar. I overslept.
Too late now, I'm afraid.
Jesus has left da building, as they say.
Sormy, I've got to rush. I want to get
Andy to open up and give me a chicken.
The mind boggles.
The butcher!
- Oh, hey up, Jock!
- When do those bloody bells stop?
When the people stop pulling the ropes
usually.
So sony if they're disturbing you.
Perhaps you'd like me to have them shot.
Sorry about him. (CHUCKLES)
Hello, lovely dog.
- Mam?
- Yep.
Oh, Easter eggs - yay.
Urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, yum.
- Which one is mine?
- They're for after lunch, Tash.
Just remember
I don't like dark chocolate.
OK.
Where are the ones...
the little ones for the hunt?
In one of the bags.
Mum, you have to come
and see the van.
- It's been cleaned and looks amazing.
- Yep. In a minute.
When we've finished,
we're going to do, like, New York loft
style-y, but for now, it's just our stuff.
Yep. OK
(EGGS CLATTER)
- One over there, mate.
- Spike, don't help him.
And, um, the rules, OK,
no matter who gets the most,
we're all going to share them out evenly,
OK, so it's like really fair.
(CLUCKING)
(SCREAMS) Can you put that turkey away?
He's going to kill me!
Here...
I thought we were going to eat this
for Easter?
Poor old Turkey Lurkey.
1 rescued him from the Christmas market.
He's horrible, though, isn't he?
It looks like Mike's mother.
What's that?
It's a planning application notice.
- Where's it from?
- What is it?
It's a planning application notice.
Have you seen it before?
Oh, yeah, cos it's been nailed
to the gate behind the van for ages.
- Your van?
- Yeah.
- Have you read it?
You should have told me it was there.
If your bloody van wasn't there,
I could have bloody seen it for myself.
But that is only there because you
didn't want it right up next to the house.
What does it say?
It says they're going to convert the bam
in the top field.
Huh, nice.
No!
This notice is six months old.
It's too late, Mum.
Oh, bloody hell!
Why didn't 1 know anything about this?
1 don't want builders out there
for 12 months.
I mean, that's the only view
I've got left.
The only place
they haven't built on yet.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- Mum, you can't see the bam.
Er...my egg appears to be dark chocolate.
That's all they had left.
But the field, they will ruin the field.
It'll be such a mess.
God, there'll be bloody big driveways,
bloody big gates...and traffic!
1 mean, 1 sit out there! Rt is private.
1 can take my top off in the summer.
- I wondered who that was.
- What?!
- You're on Google Earth.
- Really?
(LAUGHING) Can you see my tits
from outer space?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, don't be such a prude.
She's my mother.
Anyway, I think it's outrageous and
I'm not going to put up with it. Right...
Hmm...
it isn't cooked,
just eat the little bits round the edge
and I'll ram it back in the oven.
But all the bacterial blood has
flowed through the bit we will eat
where you stabbed at it,
501 just think we should wait.
No, it is cooked.
Just serve the vegetables, Yasmeen.
- Do you mean us, Mother?
- Don't try and get round me.
1 bought you that bloody van
50 that you would go travelling.
Can we have a few less "bloodys",
please?
Yes, Mum. Could you
try and mot ruin Easter, please.
And anyway - hello! -
how are we supposed to move it
when neither of us can drive?
Something else
they didn't teach you at Eton(?)
- Chauffeur.
- You can drive - you passed your test.
But then Dad
refused to buy me a car, so...
- (SIGHS) And anyway...
- There's always an "and anyway".
Yes. And anyway...we are going to use
the van as business premises.
Wh-what business?
- Spike?
- I'm just going to see how Raphy's doing.
Well ..urban foraging.
We are like urban foragers. You know,
like, urban abundance - free food.
- And that's a business(?)
- Oh, don't start.
TASH: Yeah, it is a
non-for-profit-making business.
JAMES: Well, it's not a business, then.
Yeah, it's stuff that no-one wants
or that they throw away
- or that kind of grows wild, anyway.
- Oh, like a Womble(?)
And what sort of abundance
are you dealing with at the moment(?)
Well, it's spring,
so we have to wait for things to grow.
Oh, yes.
Look, I'm sorry, 1 cannot
be held responsible for the seasons!
Don't keep this going!
I'm surprised the council
haven't towed you away...
- ...Statutory notification?
- Oh, do you mean the statutory
"1 have to inform the Government
for the privilege of not using
"my own property" form?
Please, Mr Post Office!
And while I'm at it, the form to not be
hassled for not watching "idiot lantem"®,
please? And please can 1 pay you
to not pick up my recycling because
actually it all goes in the wormery?
Oh, and the form so that
you can't just steal my internal organs,
01 end up disembowelled
through forgetfulness,
or locked up for having a life. Excuse me!
- Oh... Mum?
- Yeah?
James thinks you're an alcoholic.
- I'm sure he doesn't.
- No!
Well, I'm not!
I know you're just looking out for me,
like I used to look out for your dad,
- but I'm fine!
- Yeah, Mum is fine, James.
Anyway, why is it all right
for men but not women?
Men can be noble and troubled
and arty and great writers
and women are just drunk!
I didn't say it was OK for men!
Are there any famous women drinkers?
Princess Margaret.
YASMEEN:
But she didn't actually do anything.
- She had bloody good fun!
- Didn't she bum her feet?
OK. AU right.
If it'L keep you happy,
I will give up drink for a whole month.
Is that all right?
And now you can help us clear up.
And while you're clearing up,
you can think of ideas of how
we can stop the bam conversion.
JAMES: 1 don't think you can.
Bam owls.
That's a good idea, Spike!
SPIKE: 1 know a fine purveyor
of rare bats.
Really? Good thinking, Spike!
They, whoever they are,
have got permission.
Have you switched eggs?
No.
Well, yeah, but Raph doesn't mind.
I do!
Why don't you give
Tash a driving lesson?
What, in this?
- (ENGINE RATTLES)
- I don't what that noise is!
Weird.
I'm going to the pub!
There's some yoghurts in the fridge.
The pub?!
What a surprise!
What happened to giving up
for a whole month?
John's not around, he's
off skiing with Susie and Charles.
They like to go off-piste, I don't.
- Right.
- I've been admiring your jugs.
John mentioned them to me. He caught
sight of them the other evening.
Are they yours, or are they
just for decoration?
Look...
1... Decorative, yeah.
Tip? Is there anything you wish to add
to the parish magazine we are compiling?
No.
It will be broadcast on the
interweb as well, won't it, darling?
Yes!
Now, then, any church news?
- You've got all the dates?
- Yes.
Right. Start.
"Pair of spectacles found
in the Sue Ryder charity shop.”
Stop.
"Unclear whether donation
or accident.”
- Stop.
- You don't have to say "stop”.
"Aqua aerobics will continue
"to be held in the Town Hall
until further notice.” Stop.
"No bikinis, please.” Stop.
Stop saying "stop™!
I'm saying,
please stop wearing bikinis!
- Stop.
- (FOOTSTEPS)
Oooh, here he is!
Ooh, look at him!
He's hu-u-uge!
Are you a giant?
You havin' a giant's holiday,
are you?
1 know you're on holiday,
cos we haven't got any local giants.
We just haven't got
the facilities for "em, I'm afraid.
Do you like it here, do you?
1 don't really like villages.
Well, just as well
we're a town, then, isn't it?
Bit easier for you, I should think.
If you were in a village, everybody'd
be pointing at you, like that.
Whereas we're used to "em here.
We get "em all here.
We have Jethro. Do you know Jethro?
Yeah, he comes down here,
he goes in the Spar.
He's cracking all those
Cornish gags in there!
He's hilarious! Yeah...
He's not a giant, he's just a human.
We've got loads of others come here.
Judi Spiers... (GASPS)
Yeah, she comes here...
The Guild Ladies' news section,
that's very thin. As usual
1 can sense apathy coming up.
Wa-hey!
# Oh, what a night! #
I've just found this planning notice.
Some bloody developer is going
to convert Old Whiddons bam
at the back of my house!
And they're building a bloody great
driveway right across the field!
Well, that was from ages ago.
- What? You mean you knew about this?
- It was in the parish magazine.
Well, if you didn't see the notice,
I hope you read the magazine.
Well, no, actually, I didn't, Eileen.
But 1 am going to fight this!
I don't think I've ever seen that bam.
Googly Earth it.
Isn't that what you do?
No, actually, don't do that.
1, for one, am completely
behind your protest.
They come in, they buy up old property,
and who will live there?
Second homers. They lock themselves
behind their electric gates
and before you know it,
the town is dead.
Well put. Take God out of it,
and suddenly you're an orator!
Yes, 1 couldn't agree more!
1 mean, before you know it,
there'll be a constant buzz of strimmers
and all the driveways will be littered
with stone mushrooms
and the whole place
will look like Gloucestershire!
Or even worse,
pubs with Michelin stars!
The man is on a roll!
We need to keep our town rough,
that's what we want!
Affordable housing for the young.
I tell you another thing -
the Spar will go.
Yeah, it'll be Ocado deliveries
through those electric gates!
- Ocado!
- Don't all sound so local themselves.
I'm the only one here!
1 must say, Sal, 1 feel myself
moving over to your side!
1 can feel a cause coming on me!
This is just what the Guild needs -
a purpose, a fight.
And this is big. It's got
the Big Wheel written all over it!
Now, emergency meeting
is called for.
- Your place all right, Sal?
- Yes.
- One hour hence?
- Good. Yes.
When do you think the diggers
will be moving in, Sal?
Don't know.
Tomorrow.
(SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS
CLOSING THEME TUNE)
(JAMES MIMICS SOUND OF ENGINE)
What should you be thinking about now?
- Emergency stop?
- No, no, no!
I don't know! I don't know.
Indicate.
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. No...
Are you part of this Guild, then?
Yeah, sorry about that.
Bunch of old women don't scare me.
Well, you should be scared of them!
They're shocking, that lot!
Terrible!
You might get it built,
but they'll make it difficult for you.
Didn't you hear 'em?
I wouldn't mind you
at the bottom of my garden!
Except I haven't got a garden.
I've got a patio.
I won't be living in the bam.
Oh. Who will be, then?
- Can't say.
- Oh.
Oooh! Oh! (GASPS)
Is it a celebrity?
Is it Gareth Gates? Is it? No! No!
I know - is it Prince Charming? Not
Charming - Charles, Prince Charles!
Is it? Cos he's got a couple
of places out here.
He's got a bungalow in Hole
and he's got a llama farm in Exeter!
What about Joss Stone?
She's bought up all of Tiverton!
Can you believe it?
What about Noel Edmonds?
He had the keys to Devon, he did!
But they took "em off him,
because he didn't know
what box they were in.
Yeah! Who is it, then?
I can't say.
Oh. Right.
Is it Judi Spiers?
- I don't know who that is.
- Oh, right. Oh.
Oh...
Oh-ooh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Is it? Is it? Is it?
- Is it? Is it?
- No, I can"t say.
Oh, right, you can't say.
You can't "say", can you?
You can't say!
Right, yeah!
Yeah,
that's my little secret, that is.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE)
Oh, this is exciting!
Anybody caking?
I hadn't realised what
an intrusion it's going to be.
The driveway is right there
against that wall
Yeah, it's an issue of privacy, isn't it?
I'll tell you another thing, Sal,
the price of this house will plummet!
- Oh, great, thanks!
- We should get Prince Charles out here!
He'd be up in arms!
Now, Tip, can 1 just say,
we are all in the same room,
within earshot, darling.
- No explosions!
- Thank you. I am now totally inhibited!
I mean, you let one barmn happen
and there's a rash!
Absolutely!
Now, are we all who we are to be?
We seem few.
I hope more come. We've got to stop them
before they bring the diggers in tomorrow!
We need a caucus before we can
officially adopt the cause as policy
and organise a protest.
- TIP: What is a caucus?
- Oh, Tip, it's more than four.
And, as I am in my capacity,
I don't count.
So if you want to propose
a resolution to the Guild,
you have to have a caucus
before submission.
Are we going to be able to stop them?
We will do our best, my dear.
That man will rue the day
he came across a force as formidable
as the Guild in full battle cry.
- TIP: No Paper!
- In the little cupboard.
ROSIE: Oh...! Oh...!
Oh, Rosie! Good, good, good.
We are a caucus.
Listen, listen, listen!
- What?
- I have news of great importance.
- What?
- Sit down.
No, no, no. Charles Dance!
- Sorry. Charles Dance.
- What, Rosie?
He's going to be living
in that bam over there. Not Jock.
He's building it for Charles Dance!
- Oh, come on.
- What?
Yes, 1 asked Jock,
he's not building it for him.
He's building it for Charles Dance!
- I don't really know who that is.
- He's making it up.
No, cross my heart, hope to die,
he isn't!
There was that article
in the Western Morning News ...
About how much he loves the area,
would love to live here.
Oh, my word!
Actually, this makes total sense
because the other day John said he saw
someone near us when he was on his way
to London, that he knew from somewhere
but he couldn't finger him.
He said he'd never seen him
before but he knew him -
you know what men are like -
I mean, that makes total sense.
That makes absolute total sense
in every possible way.
Sal - Charles Dance!
Charles Dance! Charles Dance!
Can't really say anything now,
can we, Sal?
Bloody hell! What about my privacy?
Whatever happened to "the cause"?
Oh, get real, Sal!
We're talking Charles Dance here!
1 mean, just think about the speakers
and the cachet he'll bring in.
Just a minute.
That field with that bam in it -
that is within
the Clatterford boundary, I take it?
- He won't be in Hole, will he?
- No.
Ooh...Hole will be spitting!
It certainly trumps
their Tesco Metro.
Who wouldn't want
Charles Dance in their patch?
What's he ever been in,
Charles Dance? Is he the ginger one?
Not ginger. He's Titian. He is Titian.
He was the...what-d'ya-call-it...
in the who-ja-ma-flip.
Yes, that's right. That's right, Caroline,
he was the ivory merchant
in the film of that same name.
Oh, dear. He always performs his
parts with such flair and brioche.
- Ladmmuvender'
- Yes, Ladies In Lavender, yes.
- Yes, John and I saw that.
- We thought that was a proper film.
- Haven't seen it.
Oh, Sal, this changes everything.
Charles Dance.
And of course he's got the security of
knowing Sal's here. She'd be a key holder.
1 don't believe I'm hearing this.
Strangely, 1 do.
Stay there, ladies.
You do the talking. You talk.
No, it's all right.
Would you please give
Mr Charles Dance our joint regards.
And 1 have written here,
on this paper my name and number
for any contacts he might want
in the village, any help. Anything.
He can rest himself assured
he is most welcome.
1 couldn't help telling them.
Cos Jock said it was a secret.
Sorry, Jock.
- He's going to need that van moving, Sal
- Over my dead body.
- You need a drink.
- Yeah, 1 bloody do.
Bye, Jock. Jock, bye!
Bye.