Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
Whilst Tash is out protesting with the druids against the Army taking over land Sal realizes that Spike the shambling hippy is ideally suited for her daughter rather than her admirer Marcus, and persuades Spike to ask Tash out, which he does - eventually. Sal organizes a ramble for the Guild. Eileen feels that it should have a theme but Sal sees it as a bonding exercise. In the course of the ramble they see the vicar entertaining a strange woman and he reacts awkwardly. The ramble is cut short when a fog comes down.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you #
Intelligent use of foliage,
but do beware of blemished material
Highly commended.
Right.
And first prize?
Is this the only entry?
It Is.
Still only worth a second.
Tea.
- How's It going In there?
- I don't really know.
What's the expression on her face?
Was she Impressed?
Couldn't really tell
What Is this category?
"Global warming In a biscuit tin.”
Right.
With cake Is It the look and the taste?
Yeah. It has to look and taste Uke a cake.
- Was yours the...the coffee and walnut?
- Yes.
- Handmade, was It?
- Yes.
Then I'm against you.
Oh, but It's only a bit of a laugh,
Isn't It, Kate?
(Sharp Intake of breath)
See you later, darlln'.
Yeah. Stay hot for me, yeah, Ricky?
(Laughs) Ooh, yeah.
Yeah.
Bye, darling.
Bye, tiger.
(Lorry horn honks)
- Hey, Rosle.
- (Laughs)
Hello, Sal Hello, your majesties.
Here, Sal, you Just missed my Ricky.
- Oh.
- And his Jumbo truck.
Yeah. We've been to Rotterdam.
Couple of days. And overnight.
Ooh. Did you sleep In the cab?
Yeah. It was marvellous. Ideal
Ricky does the driving.
- I Just does the tachyometer.
- Oh.
We went on a ferry, Sal
You been on a ferry before? It's dead posh.
They've got casinos, they've got machines.
You can play three or four at a time If you Uke.
We had a lovely time with all the other blokes
on the other trucks.
- You've had a holiday, Rosle.
- Yeah.
That could be the subject
for your next talk, Rosle.
Or maybe Just
something you've enjoyed, Rosle.
Yeah.
On the way back, right,
I has to help out Ricky.
- I has to look for asylum seekers.
- How do you do that?
Well, I Just les on the floor
and Ricky drives the truck over me,
and If I sees one, I Just kicks It off!
I need toilet, actually, Sal, I'm desperate.
Sorry.
- It's up here, Innit?
- Yes, Rosle.
Yay! Splkey.
Look at you.
- 'Ey. Look at this. I love a man In uniform.
- Absolutely.
Megan told me you'd all be here,
so I thought I'd bring you your post,
save meself some cycling.
- Are you coming up to ours tonight?
- Er... Ooh, yeah. Probably.
Yeah. Al right. See you later, then. Bye.
Susle. Late birthday card.
Splkey. He's gorgeous.
I only wish Tash could see It
I thought she was going out
with Marcus the hunt.
Oh, yeah, yeah. But...Splkey.
Hm. He's the one.
It's how many things you can fit
In a matchbox.
And who fitted the most In?
- Rosle.
- Aw.
With 72 things.
72!
Matches.
Right.
I can't believe you actually baked a cake.
From a mix.
I love the rebel In ya.
- Yo, SaL
- Mm?
I see you've put your name down
to head up the autumn ramble.
You still on for that?
Oh, yeah. I sald I'd get Involved and I am.
Good girl
And so It begins.
There's no stopping you now.
(Whispers) Today cake mix.
Tomorrow the world.
Cake mix?
Sal Vine, good Godfathers.
Look. At least they sald yours was Incredible.
- "Inedible.” That's OK.
- Sorry.
Oh, there's always so much
hanging on my buns.
I shouldn't care so much, I suppose,
but belng first Is hablt for me.
- Probably not healthy.
- Did you get anything?
Yes. I got a second
In the undersea world In biscuit form.
Did she taste or Just look?
Er, I don't know, but someone's had
thelr fingers all over my chocolate starfish.
Ladles. Luncheon Is served.
Rosle! Get away from that table!
Your ladyship.
Er, I would Uke to thank you most humbly
for Judging.
And we would Uke to Invite you to Join us
In an Informal cold collation.
Well, I would have loved to,
but I have to get off to Hole.
- I'm Judging In...oh, 20 minutes.
- Oh.
Right, ladles, please can we convene?
It Is beholden upon me at this Juncture...
Why does everything have to be
so drawn out and formal?
I know. Why can't she Just say thank you
Instead of hyperventilating herself
Into a tongue twister of fawning gramercy?
- You're doing It now.
- I know, but It's catching.
So, Pauline, the flowers, please.
Flowers?
(Lady Anne) That's very kind.
No. That's an entry.
Thank you so much.
Thank you again for coming here today.
It's a pleasure. Hole.
- (Caroline) Oh, those are my David Austins.
- Got to go to Hole.
- Have the basket
- Thank you so much.
Hello, Tash.
- Is that your map on the dining table?
- Yeah.
Why?
Cos we are protesting against
the army firing today.
That land up at the top Is common land
- and It should be open and free for all..
- I thought Prince Charles owned It
- Yeah.
- I thought It was duchy. Llke the biscuits.
- But we should still have the right...
- And Noel Edmonds owned the rest.
Yeah. But the army...
Better look out, you know.
You might bump Into Mr Blobby.
(Laughs)
- It's actually really serious, Mum.
- Sorry.
There Is an andlent right of way
that goes all along the top to Tavistock.
- And as a druld, I have the right to walk...
- "As a druld*?
(Laughs) "As a druld”!
Is there something odd about that?
Only that you're sitting there eating Coco Pops,
dressed In Disney pyJamas.
I am only wearing these because you gave
them to me. That's why I'm wearing them.
= Hey.
= Hey.
Splkey.
Splkey, are you going on this druld thing?
Dunno. Can I have a minl Petit Fllous?
Yeah. Yeah. You can't hang around here all day,
you know, Splkey.
- Mm. Where are you going?
- Oh. Gulld ramble.
Didn't see you at the pub last night
Oh, lovely, lovely Splke.
- He even smells all right at the moment.
- What?
I sald you're even smelling all right
at the moment.
Mm.
Yeah. He's a looker, all right.
It's Just crept up on me,
but I think he has really got something.
Are you having a late-Ufe fantasy?
Oh.
Well, actually, It was for Tash's benefit.
If I were you, I'd be careful,
have me hormones checked.
Oh. No, you see,
the one thing I understand Is people.
They will never get It right unless I polnt them
In the right direction. Excuse me.
Splkey.
I think someone would Uke to do something
with you today.
Cool.
Stop confusing the young people.
Come on now, get ready.
This Is your big day. I can hear the Saga hom
calling from across the valley.
And before you ask,
yes, you're too old for cut-off trousers.
The sight of thinning, old shin skin
above socks and boots
Is not a sight to be savoured.
It's Uke Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.
And we're the only two that haven't been taken
over, but we must pretend to be one of them.
HI. BUmey, you look the business.
Here I am, ready to ramble.
- Bring It on.
- (All) HI.
Oh. Hello, Vicar.
Are you going to be Joining us?
- No.
- (They laugh)
Come on, Sal, then.
What's the template for today's ramble?
What?
The alm, the purpose, the theme, the point.
Oh. Well, It's a ramble.
We Just ramble along somewhere nice.
Oh. What?
Well, normally we have maps and questionnaires
and sheets and historical facts,
and after ramble projects and...
and - and...
And... And... Queenle?
- No fun.
- Who sald that?
I don't know,
but what I was going to say was blisters.
Look, It's Just a ramble.
OK?
Packed lunch, ramble onto the moor,
and - and time to chat to each other.
- Chat?
- You know, get to know each other better.
Oh, dear.
I think the B-word might be coming on.
That's a good Idea, Isn't It?
- Bond.
- Oh, Christ
It could be a bonding ramble.
If GH Is mentioned, I may have to leave.
- Good Housekeeping?
- No.
- Group hug.
- Oh, Christ.
Why do you always
have to have goals and stuff?
Why don't we Just see what happens?
- Yeah.
- Pardon.
- Sounds fun.
- Steady.
Oh, dear. A purposeless ramble.
Well, I've never heard of anything lke It
(Clattering)
- What?
- What's he...? What's he...?
(Vicar) Not - not - not..
- (Woman) No one's gonna go down It
- But we don't..
Who's In that car with him?
Friend from university.
(ALL) Ooh,
Drive, drive, drive, drive.
Al right, ladles, come on.
Leave the vicar alone. Let's go.
(Chatter)
Rosle, what have you got In your rucksack?
I've got cheese.
I trust you know where you're going, Sal
Yes, Eileen, yes, I do.
- You are our leader.
- (Laughs) Yes.
(Chatter)
I always wondered what these are.
Oh, I know what It Is.
Yeah. That Is a cow cocoon.
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
You come back next spring and this whole fleld
will be covered with cows out of these.
Don't touch It because If you leave your smell
on It, the mother will abandon It
Come away from It. Come on.
Look at us. We're all doing something without
dressing up or having a bloody competition.
Wouldn't It be nice If everyone leamt something
about someone they didn't know?
Careful. That sounds lke a goal
Don't Interfere.
I'm a nurse. It's my Job.
No one's sick.
There's a few could do with
a bit of opening up.
This.
This. I think I got this Jacket,
It's a budget Jacket.
- Really?
- A sort of economy Jacket.
You can get them at the stores.
Oh, yeah?
Ladles, there's a very...
Oh, dear.
Ladles?
Ladles.
(Chatter)
Do you know, I heard that
we are actually the only nation
that actually walks for pleasure.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That actually says,
"Let's go for a walk™ and enjoys It.
On the continent they think we're mad.
Wonder what that says about us?
- Probably that we're better than everyone else.
- Yes.
- Can we have a breather?
- Oh, yes. Breather, everyone.
- Breather!
- Oh, how beautiful everything Is.
It's amazing how much more you see when
you're not actually having to look for something.
Ooh.
Chance to have a lttle bit of cheese.
- (Laughs)
- Country Code, Rosle.
What do you mean?
Well, see you dispose of
that packaging carefully.
= I do. I eat It
- Oh, Rosle.
The bane of our Ufe, Isn't It, packaging.
- You know what I do now If I do a blg shop?
- What?
I unpack everything at checkout
and leave the packaging there.
- Really?
- I don't pay for the packaging.
OK, ladles, come on. Time to be going.
Come on, let's move on.
Emm... Actually, I think It would be a really good
Idea If we all walk with different people.
Otherwise we're all going to end up
talking to everyone we always talk to.
- It was going so well
- Just stay with me on this one.
Stop It. You've a mad look In your eye.
Years have been spent developing Indifferences,
leave It alone.
Yeah.
We're walking with new people,
people we don't normally walk with.
- That's you.
- Rosle.
(Caroline sighs)
Christ.
(Tash vocallses)
(Barking)
- HI.
- HI.
I can't believe you're laughing.
= No, I'm not, I'm not.
- You are. Oh, my God!
Tash. Sorry, me darling.
Blood on your hands.
(ALL) Oh, yes, blood on your hands.
(Laughs)
Now, Rosle, when you come and clean for me
next Friday...
- Yeah.
- I'm going to leave a lUst for you
of things to do on the back of an envelope.
Did you see that I folded
all your clingfilm?
- Yes, I did.
- Yeah. You're welcome.
Thank you. But could you not fold the clingfilm?
The thing Is, you see, I do really prefer
the clingfilm still on the rolL
- Do you?
- Yes.
- Oh, do you?
- Yes. So Just do what's on the Instructions.
- Yeah.
- Could you leave by six o'clock
because John does Uke to watch telly
In the evening.
- I know.
- But not with you.
Oh.
Breather.
(Sighs)
On!
- Bog watch, Sal
- Oh.
- Look out for the sheep tracks.
- OK. Thank you, Eileen.
Oh. I love this bit of the moor.
Don't you, Tlp?
Yeah, I suppose It Is beautiful
I spend so long looking at land
and Just seeing work,
hard labour and bureaucracy.
Yes. I suppose you don't have time
Just to st back and see the beauty of It all
No. Just the possibllty of
falling It all somehow.
How's Colin?
Don't see him to know
and best kept that way.
- What's he doing this ime of year, then?
- Swearing.
He's either swearing at machinery,
or swearing at animals or swearing at me.
The only thing that gets off lghtly Is the dog.
Well, I suppose you...you working In the surgery,
that must help out a bit
You know, financially, I mean.
1 go around the dalry farms recording the milk
before I go to the surgery
and they've glven me a few evenings a week
In the pub,
but I can't help feeling that we're doomed.
Oh, well, Tlp. I never realised
It was that bad, darling.
Oh, don't mind me, I'm Just spouting.
Well, It sounds Uke you need It
Truth Is the gulld Is about
the only break I get, really.
Oh, sweetheart.
(Laughs) Come on.
Oh. Hello, gorgeous.
Al right? How's It going?
It's lovely. (Laughs)
Have you seen Tash?
No, they must have gone
the other side of the river.
- Hello, Splke, are you joining us?
- Yeah, for a while.
Well, It's strictly against the rules, you know,
but today Is different.
We're all going commando.
I haven't even got any pants.
I don't even own any.
(Laughter)
- Good to see you, Splkey.
- Yeah.
Can I tell you something, Splke?
Yeah, go on.
You're a very attractive man, you know.
And I think you should be
more confident about that.
Right.
I mean, If you want something, Spike,
you should Just go out and get It
I mean, ... I'm talking about your heart now.
Al right?
Sometimes you don't see
what's right under your nose.
See...
love Is hard, Isn't it?
I love having you around, Splke.
More than anybody else,
If you get my drift.
I mean, Just think about
why you come round so much.
I mean, It's not Just for the Frubes, Is It?
It's not Just for the Cheese String.
Is It?
Splkey.
I want you to take the bull by the homns,
I want you to be a man.
Right.
Good.
Think about It. And don't leave It too long.
This really Is lovely.
Isn't It?
Actually, Veronica, I have been trying to set up
recitals In the church,
but I'm afraid my musical tastes
are somewhat highbrow.
I can't really see Peter Grimes
breaking Into the musical monopoly
that the Ukes of The X Factor has
In these parts.
I remember you singing Britten.
Yes. I do a lot.
I remember that marvellous, marvelous plece
In - In Grimes?
Emm, how does that go agaln?
- I can't remember.
- Do you want me to sing?
- No, no, no. No.
- (Laughs)
I think we should stop here for lunch.
Oh, lunch!
Oh. What, here?
Here's great.
That's a bit tricky cos here
I got one foot In Prince Charles
and one foot In Noel Edmonds.
And the world In-between.
Yeah.
(Gasps)
Oh. (Laughs)
- Hello, Vlcar.
- Hello, Vlcar.
WIL you be Joining us?
We're already a loose gathering.
- Ooh.
- Oh!
(Laughter)
Oh. God love him. He keeps us amused.
What's the matter with you?
You've sat In the tart
- (Laughter continues)
- Sorry.
Don't be so sllly.
- Is It because they tease you?
- No.
Vicar, you and her, are you...
Hilary and I would love you to Join us for lunch.
- Who's that? Who's Hilary?
- Er, the vicar.
(Rosle) Hilary? What?
(They laugh)
No, Rosle, there are lots of girls' names
that boys have.
No, Hilary Is a boy's name.
Like Vivian, for example.
There are many, many boy Hilarles.
- (Laughs) No, there's not.
- Sh. Calm down, Rosle.
- Yeah.
- And what do you do, Veronica?
= No, no, no.
- I'm a singer.
- (Ladles gasp)
- What kind of a singer?
- A marvelous singer, actually.
- Classical
- Of course.
What Uke la-de-dah, Uke that?
Yes, I suppose so.
- How marvellous.
- She's a fine singer of recitals.
- Her oratorios are second to none.
- Yeah, bet they are.
So opera, Is It?
Oh. Oh, your ladyship. I wonder If
you could tell me, I've always wondered,
do you know the real words to the Cometto ad?
(Laughs)
(Sings O Sole Mio)
(Squealing)
_ - Oh!
(Applause)
Do you know any others?
The British Airways advert?
Oh, yes. The Flower Duet
- I love It, love It
- Oh.
Well, would you sing that for us maybe?
- I need another volce, really.
- Oh. What's wrong with yours?
No, Rosle.
She means she needs another singer.
No, Katle.
No, she needs another singer
who knows The Flower Duet by Delibes.
And who has been In Lakmé
In her youth.
At the Plymouth Athenaeum.
Oh, go on, go on.
- Shall I?
- Yes.
- Why not?
- Shall we?
Yes.
Right.
- Al right?
- Right. Yes.
(Eileen clears her throat)
(They sing The Flower Duet)
What are you doing?
I thought you sald take the bull by the homns.
Not with me, you bloody Idiot! With Tash!
- Oh, right.
- oh,
Go and find her. Look, she's over there.
= I'm rea lly sol - God! o
Sorry.
Good Lord. It's all go around here.
How could he get It so wrong?
I mean, Tash was over there.
I feel Uke a...lke a...
An old harpy.
- Now, ladles...
- He snogged her with tongues.
Shh.
I never saw that coming.
I think we say nothing.
- Absolutely nothing.
- As If It didn't happen.
Can we Just pack up now?
Now, Sal, love.
I think we'd better be going
because there's low cloud coming over.
It may well hamper our Journey.
- Oh, God.
- Look.
No, I know, I know, I know.
- You told me so.
- Well, I did.
(Sal sighs)
Where are we?
This Is hopeless.
We are fogbound, ladles.
How long will we be here?
- Shouldn't we call someone?
- No signal
And Eileen's right - we Just walt till It clears.
Could be Just us alone In the whole world now,
couldn't It?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Beast of Dartmoor might come.
Oh, come on now, don't be frightened.
Glve us a cuddle.
Do you know the story of the halry hands?
There are no halry hands, darling.
Well, It was a day Just Uke this, apparently,
that the devil came out
and walked In a straight Une across the moor
on his goaty, webbedy feet.
There will be no devil coming here.
Not while I'm around.
Can I Just say...
I think that when something happens
Uke Just what happened to Sal..
- Don't, Kate.
- No, I think It does need to be spoken about.
And we can do that now. Here.
In a safe, trusting environment.
- No group therapy, Kate.
- No.
No, Just talking.
Well, I never thought I'd hear myself say this,
but I agree.
This Is the circle of confidentiality
and mutual respect.
This Is my Idea of a nightmare.
Al that Is sald In this group,
stays In this group.
Farts.
(Laughter)
So...
Whenever anybody would Uke to speak...
There's nothing to say.
I was Just telling Splke that
he ought to get together with Tash.
Right? And he thought I meant me.
And then he got confused
and thought he'd led me on and then...
he felt sorry for me, I suppose.
Good.
End of therapy, Kate.
I don't quite understand why
you felt you had to push them together.
= No, not push.
- Well, they're both adults, Sal
They don't act Uke adults, Eileen.
I mean, Tash...
She lves at home and she eats Coco Pops.
And I'm sorry, but you keep her that way.
She's still your baby.
Treat her as a child
and she'll behave Uke a child.
- I don't...
- She's 36.
You have to let her go,
you have to let her make her own mistakes.
You're a good woman, Sal
You do It all out of kindness.
And we're doling this out of kindness.
The way you've arranged this ramble,
that's out of kindness.
You want us all to get on and chat.
And I must say that I myself am a convert
to the chatting.
Holst by your own petard, madam.
But you've got to let things take thelr own path.
Now, I hope this has been of help.
Sal
Just for once, we're the nurse
and you're the patient.
- Yeah, but...
- So anyone else lke to say anything?
No.
AIL that has been sald stays In the group
and Is not ongoing.
So...
I think now Is the time for...
group hug.
(Caroline) There are Umits, absolute Umits.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- That's good.
- (Sal laughs)
What would you give now for a simple walk
with a questionnaire and an 1-Spy challenge?
Never let me go purposeless again.
Are we becoming them?
Yep.
Invasion complete.
Good.
The fight was too hard.
Tash...
I don't want to talk about It
I would rather dle.
I've only Just finished belng slick.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you #
Intelligent use of foliage,
but do beware of blemished material
Highly commended.
Right.
And first prize?
Is this the only entry?
It Is.
Still only worth a second.
Tea.
- How's It going In there?
- I don't really know.
What's the expression on her face?
Was she Impressed?
Couldn't really tell
What Is this category?
"Global warming In a biscuit tin.”
Right.
With cake Is It the look and the taste?
Yeah. It has to look and taste Uke a cake.
- Was yours the...the coffee and walnut?
- Yes.
- Handmade, was It?
- Yes.
Then I'm against you.
Oh, but It's only a bit of a laugh,
Isn't It, Kate?
(Sharp Intake of breath)
See you later, darlln'.
Yeah. Stay hot for me, yeah, Ricky?
(Laughs) Ooh, yeah.
Yeah.
Bye, darling.
Bye, tiger.
(Lorry horn honks)
- Hey, Rosle.
- (Laughs)
Hello, Sal Hello, your majesties.
Here, Sal, you Just missed my Ricky.
- Oh.
- And his Jumbo truck.
Yeah. We've been to Rotterdam.
Couple of days. And overnight.
Ooh. Did you sleep In the cab?
Yeah. It was marvellous. Ideal
Ricky does the driving.
- I Just does the tachyometer.
- Oh.
We went on a ferry, Sal
You been on a ferry before? It's dead posh.
They've got casinos, they've got machines.
You can play three or four at a time If you Uke.
We had a lovely time with all the other blokes
on the other trucks.
- You've had a holiday, Rosle.
- Yeah.
That could be the subject
for your next talk, Rosle.
Or maybe Just
something you've enjoyed, Rosle.
Yeah.
On the way back, right,
I has to help out Ricky.
- I has to look for asylum seekers.
- How do you do that?
Well, I Just les on the floor
and Ricky drives the truck over me,
and If I sees one, I Just kicks It off!
I need toilet, actually, Sal, I'm desperate.
Sorry.
- It's up here, Innit?
- Yes, Rosle.
Yay! Splkey.
Look at you.
- 'Ey. Look at this. I love a man In uniform.
- Absolutely.
Megan told me you'd all be here,
so I thought I'd bring you your post,
save meself some cycling.
- Are you coming up to ours tonight?
- Er... Ooh, yeah. Probably.
Yeah. Al right. See you later, then. Bye.
Susle. Late birthday card.
Splkey. He's gorgeous.
I only wish Tash could see It
I thought she was going out
with Marcus the hunt.
Oh, yeah, yeah. But...Splkey.
Hm. He's the one.
It's how many things you can fit
In a matchbox.
And who fitted the most In?
- Rosle.
- Aw.
With 72 things.
72!
Matches.
Right.
I can't believe you actually baked a cake.
From a mix.
I love the rebel In ya.
- Yo, SaL
- Mm?
I see you've put your name down
to head up the autumn ramble.
You still on for that?
Oh, yeah. I sald I'd get Involved and I am.
Good girl
And so It begins.
There's no stopping you now.
(Whispers) Today cake mix.
Tomorrow the world.
Cake mix?
Sal Vine, good Godfathers.
Look. At least they sald yours was Incredible.
- "Inedible.” That's OK.
- Sorry.
Oh, there's always so much
hanging on my buns.
I shouldn't care so much, I suppose,
but belng first Is hablt for me.
- Probably not healthy.
- Did you get anything?
Yes. I got a second
In the undersea world In biscuit form.
Did she taste or Just look?
Er, I don't know, but someone's had
thelr fingers all over my chocolate starfish.
Ladles. Luncheon Is served.
Rosle! Get away from that table!
Your ladyship.
Er, I would Uke to thank you most humbly
for Judging.
And we would Uke to Invite you to Join us
In an Informal cold collation.
Well, I would have loved to,
but I have to get off to Hole.
- I'm Judging In...oh, 20 minutes.
- Oh.
Right, ladles, please can we convene?
It Is beholden upon me at this Juncture...
Why does everything have to be
so drawn out and formal?
I know. Why can't she Just say thank you
Instead of hyperventilating herself
Into a tongue twister of fawning gramercy?
- You're doing It now.
- I know, but It's catching.
So, Pauline, the flowers, please.
Flowers?
(Lady Anne) That's very kind.
No. That's an entry.
Thank you so much.
Thank you again for coming here today.
It's a pleasure. Hole.
- (Caroline) Oh, those are my David Austins.
- Got to go to Hole.
- Have the basket
- Thank you so much.
Hello, Tash.
- Is that your map on the dining table?
- Yeah.
Why?
Cos we are protesting against
the army firing today.
That land up at the top Is common land
- and It should be open and free for all..
- I thought Prince Charles owned It
- Yeah.
- I thought It was duchy. Llke the biscuits.
- But we should still have the right...
- And Noel Edmonds owned the rest.
Yeah. But the army...
Better look out, you know.
You might bump Into Mr Blobby.
(Laughs)
- It's actually really serious, Mum.
- Sorry.
There Is an andlent right of way
that goes all along the top to Tavistock.
- And as a druld, I have the right to walk...
- "As a druld*?
(Laughs) "As a druld”!
Is there something odd about that?
Only that you're sitting there eating Coco Pops,
dressed In Disney pyJamas.
I am only wearing these because you gave
them to me. That's why I'm wearing them.
= Hey.
= Hey.
Splkey.
Splkey, are you going on this druld thing?
Dunno. Can I have a minl Petit Fllous?
Yeah. Yeah. You can't hang around here all day,
you know, Splkey.
- Mm. Where are you going?
- Oh. Gulld ramble.
Didn't see you at the pub last night
Oh, lovely, lovely Splke.
- He even smells all right at the moment.
- What?
I sald you're even smelling all right
at the moment.
Mm.
Yeah. He's a looker, all right.
It's Just crept up on me,
but I think he has really got something.
Are you having a late-Ufe fantasy?
Oh.
Well, actually, It was for Tash's benefit.
If I were you, I'd be careful,
have me hormones checked.
Oh. No, you see,
the one thing I understand Is people.
They will never get It right unless I polnt them
In the right direction. Excuse me.
Splkey.
I think someone would Uke to do something
with you today.
Cool.
Stop confusing the young people.
Come on now, get ready.
This Is your big day. I can hear the Saga hom
calling from across the valley.
And before you ask,
yes, you're too old for cut-off trousers.
The sight of thinning, old shin skin
above socks and boots
Is not a sight to be savoured.
It's Uke Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.
And we're the only two that haven't been taken
over, but we must pretend to be one of them.
HI. BUmey, you look the business.
Here I am, ready to ramble.
- Bring It on.
- (All) HI.
Oh. Hello, Vicar.
Are you going to be Joining us?
- No.
- (They laugh)
Come on, Sal, then.
What's the template for today's ramble?
What?
The alm, the purpose, the theme, the point.
Oh. Well, It's a ramble.
We Just ramble along somewhere nice.
Oh. What?
Well, normally we have maps and questionnaires
and sheets and historical facts,
and after ramble projects and...
and - and...
And... And... Queenle?
- No fun.
- Who sald that?
I don't know,
but what I was going to say was blisters.
Look, It's Just a ramble.
OK?
Packed lunch, ramble onto the moor,
and - and time to chat to each other.
- Chat?
- You know, get to know each other better.
Oh, dear.
I think the B-word might be coming on.
That's a good Idea, Isn't It?
- Bond.
- Oh, Christ
It could be a bonding ramble.
If GH Is mentioned, I may have to leave.
- Good Housekeeping?
- No.
- Group hug.
- Oh, Christ.
Why do you always
have to have goals and stuff?
Why don't we Just see what happens?
- Yeah.
- Pardon.
- Sounds fun.
- Steady.
Oh, dear. A purposeless ramble.
Well, I've never heard of anything lke It
(Clattering)
- What?
- What's he...? What's he...?
(Vicar) Not - not - not..
- (Woman) No one's gonna go down It
- But we don't..
Who's In that car with him?
Friend from university.
(ALL) Ooh,
Drive, drive, drive, drive.
Al right, ladles, come on.
Leave the vicar alone. Let's go.
(Chatter)
Rosle, what have you got In your rucksack?
I've got cheese.
I trust you know where you're going, Sal
Yes, Eileen, yes, I do.
- You are our leader.
- (Laughs) Yes.
(Chatter)
I always wondered what these are.
Oh, I know what It Is.
Yeah. That Is a cow cocoon.
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
You come back next spring and this whole fleld
will be covered with cows out of these.
Don't touch It because If you leave your smell
on It, the mother will abandon It
Come away from It. Come on.
Look at us. We're all doing something without
dressing up or having a bloody competition.
Wouldn't It be nice If everyone leamt something
about someone they didn't know?
Careful. That sounds lke a goal
Don't Interfere.
I'm a nurse. It's my Job.
No one's sick.
There's a few could do with
a bit of opening up.
This.
This. I think I got this Jacket,
It's a budget Jacket.
- Really?
- A sort of economy Jacket.
You can get them at the stores.
Oh, yeah?
Ladles, there's a very...
Oh, dear.
Ladles?
Ladles.
(Chatter)
Do you know, I heard that
we are actually the only nation
that actually walks for pleasure.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That actually says,
"Let's go for a walk™ and enjoys It.
On the continent they think we're mad.
Wonder what that says about us?
- Probably that we're better than everyone else.
- Yes.
- Can we have a breather?
- Oh, yes. Breather, everyone.
- Breather!
- Oh, how beautiful everything Is.
It's amazing how much more you see when
you're not actually having to look for something.
Ooh.
Chance to have a lttle bit of cheese.
- (Laughs)
- Country Code, Rosle.
What do you mean?
Well, see you dispose of
that packaging carefully.
= I do. I eat It
- Oh, Rosle.
The bane of our Ufe, Isn't It, packaging.
- You know what I do now If I do a blg shop?
- What?
I unpack everything at checkout
and leave the packaging there.
- Really?
- I don't pay for the packaging.
OK, ladles, come on. Time to be going.
Come on, let's move on.
Emm... Actually, I think It would be a really good
Idea If we all walk with different people.
Otherwise we're all going to end up
talking to everyone we always talk to.
- It was going so well
- Just stay with me on this one.
Stop It. You've a mad look In your eye.
Years have been spent developing Indifferences,
leave It alone.
Yeah.
We're walking with new people,
people we don't normally walk with.
- That's you.
- Rosle.
(Caroline sighs)
Christ.
(Tash vocallses)
(Barking)
- HI.
- HI.
I can't believe you're laughing.
= No, I'm not, I'm not.
- You are. Oh, my God!
Tash. Sorry, me darling.
Blood on your hands.
(ALL) Oh, yes, blood on your hands.
(Laughs)
Now, Rosle, when you come and clean for me
next Friday...
- Yeah.
- I'm going to leave a lUst for you
of things to do on the back of an envelope.
Did you see that I folded
all your clingfilm?
- Yes, I did.
- Yeah. You're welcome.
Thank you. But could you not fold the clingfilm?
The thing Is, you see, I do really prefer
the clingfilm still on the rolL
- Do you?
- Yes.
- Oh, do you?
- Yes. So Just do what's on the Instructions.
- Yeah.
- Could you leave by six o'clock
because John does Uke to watch telly
In the evening.
- I know.
- But not with you.
Oh.
Breather.
(Sighs)
On!
- Bog watch, Sal
- Oh.
- Look out for the sheep tracks.
- OK. Thank you, Eileen.
Oh. I love this bit of the moor.
Don't you, Tlp?
Yeah, I suppose It Is beautiful
I spend so long looking at land
and Just seeing work,
hard labour and bureaucracy.
Yes. I suppose you don't have time
Just to st back and see the beauty of It all
No. Just the possibllty of
falling It all somehow.
How's Colin?
Don't see him to know
and best kept that way.
- What's he doing this ime of year, then?
- Swearing.
He's either swearing at machinery,
or swearing at animals or swearing at me.
The only thing that gets off lghtly Is the dog.
Well, I suppose you...you working In the surgery,
that must help out a bit
You know, financially, I mean.
1 go around the dalry farms recording the milk
before I go to the surgery
and they've glven me a few evenings a week
In the pub,
but I can't help feeling that we're doomed.
Oh, well, Tlp. I never realised
It was that bad, darling.
Oh, don't mind me, I'm Just spouting.
Well, It sounds Uke you need It
Truth Is the gulld Is about
the only break I get, really.
Oh, sweetheart.
(Laughs) Come on.
Oh. Hello, gorgeous.
Al right? How's It going?
It's lovely. (Laughs)
Have you seen Tash?
No, they must have gone
the other side of the river.
- Hello, Splke, are you joining us?
- Yeah, for a while.
Well, It's strictly against the rules, you know,
but today Is different.
We're all going commando.
I haven't even got any pants.
I don't even own any.
(Laughter)
- Good to see you, Splkey.
- Yeah.
Can I tell you something, Splke?
Yeah, go on.
You're a very attractive man, you know.
And I think you should be
more confident about that.
Right.
I mean, If you want something, Spike,
you should Just go out and get It
I mean, ... I'm talking about your heart now.
Al right?
Sometimes you don't see
what's right under your nose.
See...
love Is hard, Isn't it?
I love having you around, Splke.
More than anybody else,
If you get my drift.
I mean, Just think about
why you come round so much.
I mean, It's not Just for the Frubes, Is It?
It's not Just for the Cheese String.
Is It?
Splkey.
I want you to take the bull by the homns,
I want you to be a man.
Right.
Good.
Think about It. And don't leave It too long.
This really Is lovely.
Isn't It?
Actually, Veronica, I have been trying to set up
recitals In the church,
but I'm afraid my musical tastes
are somewhat highbrow.
I can't really see Peter Grimes
breaking Into the musical monopoly
that the Ukes of The X Factor has
In these parts.
I remember you singing Britten.
Yes. I do a lot.
I remember that marvellous, marvelous plece
In - In Grimes?
Emm, how does that go agaln?
- I can't remember.
- Do you want me to sing?
- No, no, no. No.
- (Laughs)
I think we should stop here for lunch.
Oh, lunch!
Oh. What, here?
Here's great.
That's a bit tricky cos here
I got one foot In Prince Charles
and one foot In Noel Edmonds.
And the world In-between.
Yeah.
(Gasps)
Oh. (Laughs)
- Hello, Vlcar.
- Hello, Vlcar.
WIL you be Joining us?
We're already a loose gathering.
- Ooh.
- Oh!
(Laughter)
Oh. God love him. He keeps us amused.
What's the matter with you?
You've sat In the tart
- (Laughter continues)
- Sorry.
Don't be so sllly.
- Is It because they tease you?
- No.
Vicar, you and her, are you...
Hilary and I would love you to Join us for lunch.
- Who's that? Who's Hilary?
- Er, the vicar.
(Rosle) Hilary? What?
(They laugh)
No, Rosle, there are lots of girls' names
that boys have.
No, Hilary Is a boy's name.
Like Vivian, for example.
There are many, many boy Hilarles.
- (Laughs) No, there's not.
- Sh. Calm down, Rosle.
- Yeah.
- And what do you do, Veronica?
= No, no, no.
- I'm a singer.
- (Ladles gasp)
- What kind of a singer?
- A marvelous singer, actually.
- Classical
- Of course.
What Uke la-de-dah, Uke that?
Yes, I suppose so.
- How marvellous.
- She's a fine singer of recitals.
- Her oratorios are second to none.
- Yeah, bet they are.
So opera, Is It?
Oh. Oh, your ladyship. I wonder If
you could tell me, I've always wondered,
do you know the real words to the Cometto ad?
(Laughs)
(Sings O Sole Mio)
(Squealing)
_ - Oh!
(Applause)
Do you know any others?
The British Airways advert?
Oh, yes. The Flower Duet
- I love It, love It
- Oh.
Well, would you sing that for us maybe?
- I need another volce, really.
- Oh. What's wrong with yours?
No, Rosle.
She means she needs another singer.
No, Katle.
No, she needs another singer
who knows The Flower Duet by Delibes.
And who has been In Lakmé
In her youth.
At the Plymouth Athenaeum.
Oh, go on, go on.
- Shall I?
- Yes.
- Why not?
- Shall we?
Yes.
Right.
- Al right?
- Right. Yes.
(Eileen clears her throat)
(They sing The Flower Duet)
What are you doing?
I thought you sald take the bull by the homns.
Not with me, you bloody Idiot! With Tash!
- Oh, right.
- oh,
Go and find her. Look, she's over there.
= I'm rea lly sol - God! o
Sorry.
Good Lord. It's all go around here.
How could he get It so wrong?
I mean, Tash was over there.
I feel Uke a...lke a...
An old harpy.
- Now, ladles...
- He snogged her with tongues.
Shh.
I never saw that coming.
I think we say nothing.
- Absolutely nothing.
- As If It didn't happen.
Can we Just pack up now?
Now, Sal, love.
I think we'd better be going
because there's low cloud coming over.
It may well hamper our Journey.
- Oh, God.
- Look.
No, I know, I know, I know.
- You told me so.
- Well, I did.
(Sal sighs)
Where are we?
This Is hopeless.
We are fogbound, ladles.
How long will we be here?
- Shouldn't we call someone?
- No signal
And Eileen's right - we Just walt till It clears.
Could be Just us alone In the whole world now,
couldn't It?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Beast of Dartmoor might come.
Oh, come on now, don't be frightened.
Glve us a cuddle.
Do you know the story of the halry hands?
There are no halry hands, darling.
Well, It was a day Just Uke this, apparently,
that the devil came out
and walked In a straight Une across the moor
on his goaty, webbedy feet.
There will be no devil coming here.
Not while I'm around.
Can I Just say...
I think that when something happens
Uke Just what happened to Sal..
- Don't, Kate.
- No, I think It does need to be spoken about.
And we can do that now. Here.
In a safe, trusting environment.
- No group therapy, Kate.
- No.
No, Just talking.
Well, I never thought I'd hear myself say this,
but I agree.
This Is the circle of confidentiality
and mutual respect.
This Is my Idea of a nightmare.
Al that Is sald In this group,
stays In this group.
Farts.
(Laughter)
So...
Whenever anybody would Uke to speak...
There's nothing to say.
I was Just telling Splke that
he ought to get together with Tash.
Right? And he thought I meant me.
And then he got confused
and thought he'd led me on and then...
he felt sorry for me, I suppose.
Good.
End of therapy, Kate.
I don't quite understand why
you felt you had to push them together.
= No, not push.
- Well, they're both adults, Sal
They don't act Uke adults, Eileen.
I mean, Tash...
She lves at home and she eats Coco Pops.
And I'm sorry, but you keep her that way.
She's still your baby.
Treat her as a child
and she'll behave Uke a child.
- I don't...
- She's 36.
You have to let her go,
you have to let her make her own mistakes.
You're a good woman, Sal
You do It all out of kindness.
And we're doling this out of kindness.
The way you've arranged this ramble,
that's out of kindness.
You want us all to get on and chat.
And I must say that I myself am a convert
to the chatting.
Holst by your own petard, madam.
But you've got to let things take thelr own path.
Now, I hope this has been of help.
Sal
Just for once, we're the nurse
and you're the patient.
- Yeah, but...
- So anyone else lke to say anything?
No.
AIL that has been sald stays In the group
and Is not ongoing.
So...
I think now Is the time for...
group hug.
(Caroline) There are Umits, absolute Umits.
- Oh!
- Oh.
- That's good.
- (Sal laughs)
What would you give now for a simple walk
with a questionnaire and an 1-Spy challenge?
Never let me go purposeless again.
Are we becoming them?
Yep.
Invasion complete.
Good.
The fight was too hard.
Tash...
I don't want to talk about It
I would rather dle.
I've only Just finished belng slick.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #