Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
The annual reenactment of the famous Clatterford skirmish of 1646 is cancelled by the council on health and safety grounds so the Guild decide to stage their own battle with James as King Charles I. A real drama is enacted when Rosie is caught shop-lifting from the local Spar and her alter ego, the aggressive Margaret, comes to the fore. James is all for increasing Rosie's medication but Sal talks him out of it and, not for the first time, persuades Margaret to leave Rosie alone.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #
- (Humming tune)
- # I can't get you out of my head
# Boy, It's more than
1 dare to think about..
Oh, blimey.
- (Sniffs) Hm.
- # la la la
- M lalala la la..
- Oh, I'm gonna have to do a shop.
I'll only have to eat It then, won't I?
I know. Go on a dlet
- Good morning!
- Oh, God! You made me Jump.
- What's happened?
- Nothing. Just thought we'd see how you are.
Great! The kettle's Just boiled.
WILL you have a cup of tea?
- Ah, yes, lovely, thanks.
- OK, OK.
Yasmeen, will you get the milk
out of the fridge, please, love?
Oh, no, no, not that one.
That's gone off. The...the other one.
But the other one might be off as well,
so you better taste It
- Well, er...lovely morning.
- Mm.
Actually, can we not have this...
- (Muslc off)
- .on?
What Is It?
- Well..
- Well, no, there...there Is some news.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- No, I'm not...
- What?
- I'm not pregnant
- Oh.
Oh, well, never mind.
Um...well, what Is It, then?
- Well..
- Say It.
It's Just It won't seem Important now.
The not news has taken the moment
1 told you If you made a blg thing out of It,
that's what she would think.
It's about the re-enactment day.
(Laughs) Oh, God, the re-enactment day.
Well, that's always good for a laugh,
Isn't It?
- A laugh?
- Yeah, the Battle of Clatterford.
AIL those boozed-up boys tanked up
from the beer tent pretending to be soldiers.
(Chuckles) Floppy hats versus saucepan heads.
And then they get some pompous old tosspot
wandering around In a curly wig
pretending to be...
The King. King Charles 1.
Oh.
It's actually a huge honour
bestowed on a prominent local citizen
by the Historical Society.
- Of which you're a member.
- Yes.
Sorry.
Oh, what? Family conference
to which I'm not Invited? Great.
- Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?
- No.
- No, no, no. James Is going to be King.
- Of?
Twats?
- No, Clatterford.
- No, England. King Charles I of England, Mum.
- In the re-enactment thing.
- Oh.
- Oh, here we go.
- Cool
No, at first I was Uke, "That Is Uke
a celebration of violence and death.”
- Really?
- Llke medieval Cimewatch reconstruction.
Medieval? 1646, the Stuarts
on the cusp of the Interregnum?
But then Marcus sald that actually It's
a celebration of folklore and lving history.
- So...
- Marcus, huntsman and oracle!
He's not a huntsman any more,
he's a conservationist.
- WILU you stop that, please?
- HI, Splke.
Hey. All right
Oh, my God.
Mum, can you tell your "boyfriend” not
to Just Uke rock up when I am half dressed?
I do still Uve here, you know.
- There's some frult In the fridge.
- Are you In the re-enactment, Splke?
- We should be going.
- (Splke) Yeah, yeah.
Well, James Is going to be King.
Are you on his side?
No, no. I believe him to be a closet papist
who had no ear or respect for Parliament,
who was obsessed with trying to enforce
Anglicanism on the Scots.
Yeah, he started wars nobody wanted.
Oh, bravo. You went to school.
The Tony Blair of his day.
- That's the kind of meaningless nonsense...
- Don't start something.
No, you'd better watch It, James,
because Splke Is a crack shot.
Oh, yeah, musket man.
- Oh, really? Flintlock or matchlock?
- Flnt
- Really?
- School champion.
- What school?
- Eton.
- Morning, Rosle.
- Al right, Will? Where's Ken?
- Ken's on a course so I'm foreman today.
- Oh!
Now, Rosle, you're gonna have to help me
with something today.
- Right. Where's Ken?
- I told you. He's on a course.
Right, yeah. Where's Gllllan?
Cos It's her shift with me today.
- The thing Is, she's sick...
- Oh.
- .And I can't anyone else on this so...
- Oh. Cos I can't do It on my own, can I?
- No, but Usten.
- No, cos It has to be two operatives.
- Them's the rules.
- I know.
Cos you heard what happened
to Jan when she was on her own.
She had a prophylactic fit
cos she's allergic to the plastic.
- Her Italian cheese order didn't go out.
- Yes, come here, darling.
Yeah, you heard her head lke swelled up
the size of a pumpkin and then It popped.
- Lovely Rosle. Lovely girl
- I know. Yeah.
- If you work In here on your own today...
- Yeah.
...no one'll know, and I'll make sure
you have some nice cheese to take home.
- You lUke cheese, don't you?
- I do, yeah.
And It'lL be our Uttle secret.
- Our Uttle secret?
- Mm.
- You're not Peter, you're WILL
- That's right, darling.
Our lttle secret.
I'll Just do some labelling, then.
What the hell are you doing here
on your own, Rosle?
You know It's against the rules!
Oh, Margaret, what hasn't happened
Is WIL hasn't told me...
Don't lle to me!
She won't believe me.
She'll say I'm a dirty Uttle Uar.
Oh, hello, Rosle. Oh.
- But what actual powers do you have?
- Loads.
I can confiscate alcohol
If It's belng consumed In a public place.
- But actual powers?
- I can direct traffic.
So not a real policeman?
I can detain someone for up to 20 minutes
until a real..
Until a constable arrives on the scene.
So not a real policeman, then?
- No, not a real policeman.
= I am so.
- Are not
- Am so.
Hobby bobby.
- Oh! No, no, no, stop It!
- (Radlo crackles)
Stop It! Stop It! This Is slly!
Stop! Stop It!
You're always supposed to have
two operatives at any one time, Rosle!
You've been told that agaln and agaln,
you stupid Uttle girl!
I know, Margaret, but I'm trying to keep
a secret. I'm keeping secrets all the time!
I have a secret with Peter! I've got
a secret, secret, secret! All the time!
I hate cheese! I hate cheese!
- I hate cheese!
- I hate cheese myself.
- If I eat It, I don't sleep.
- (Sobbing)
Oh.
Auntie Rosle!
She's stolen the bloody PIN machine.
But It doesn't matter.
- I'm gonna make an arrest.
= A citizen's arrest!
- (Siren on)
- You have no more powers than me.
Shall I get Sal?
(Siren blaring)
(Whistles) Hey! I need a hand!
Come on!
- There they are! Which one do you want?
- That one there!
- What does It matter which one It Is?
- Look!
- There!
- Then open the frigging gate!
- Just bring them all out!
- I've had It with you, mister!
- The one I want's at the back.
- Don't you shout at me!
If you'd made up your mind beforehand which
cow you bloody well wanted, this would not...
(Cow bellows)
(Laughs)
Poor girl
Right, well, that should
keep her asleep for a few hours.
We should be putting her
on to stronger medication,
If this sort of thing's gonna occur.
No. No, something must have
happened to her.
Why risk this happening agaln?
Because she's no risk to anybody else and
I don't want her medicated out of existence.
- I don't see that this Is any kinder, Mum.
- The old medical cosh.
Make them Into a zombie.
...the annual re-enactment day
Is to be cancelled,
Coundll officials have deemed
the annual celebration
of the Infamous Clatterford skirmish of %646
- as simply too dangerous.
- This... No! Outrageous! Bloody hell!
I'm off. I'm gonna call a meeting.
- Health and bloody safety?
- I'llL stay with her.
Er...flne, yes. Well, good luck.
Christ. 1 wonder
If the Historical Society knows about this.
- You're coming to the meeting at the pub?
- Do be careful!
- Sory.
- I'm Just doing the dog mess.
I forgot to tell Mikey about It,
and you know we've got the Klaxons here
recording an EP In the bamn.
- Mm?
- And one of them... Mind out. Oh!
Trod In something, and took It all the way
through the sitting room and Into the snug.
- Oh, no.
- I was seething.
- I bet you were.
- Absolutely seething.
- He wasn't fazed at all by It Ridiculous.
- No, no.
- That Is the problem with pop musicians.
- They Just won't look where they're walking.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.
(Low chatter)
Oh, yeah. There's a table.
- Oh, walt. No, no, no, sorry, no.
- Excuse me?
No, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, darling.
This Is a Gulld table.
Over here, girls. Over here.
- Right, who's getting the drinks In?
- I don't think we can get to the bar.
Queenle darling,
you'll get through with your sling.
- Go on, and we'll shout Kate's order to you.
= I'L have a lemonade.
Oh, no, no.
- Drink?
- No, you're too late. We're sorted.
We're fine, thank you.
(Banging gavel) Ladles and gentlemen.
Ooh, he's got a gavel!
- Do something.
- What?
- You're the landlord. Close the bar.
- It's a pub.
- Now, ladles, we are here In our capacity...
- Oh, no.
- What does that mean?
- We'll do what we're told.
Glve...glve me flve large sherries.
Ladles and gentlemen,
my name ls Dr James Vine,
and this Is...
Now we're all here to discuss the fact that our
traditional re-enactment has been cancelled
on health and safety grounds.
I. trust that we're all suitably outraged.
(Raised voices)
I now hand you over to the vicar,
who has something to say on the matter.
I was going to Introduce you.
Health and safety laws
were made to save us from harm,
to save us from...from others,
but not to save us from ourselves.
- That's God's Job.
- Thank you, yes.
Of course, there will be the Iresponsible few
but one cannot have a risk-free lfe
and call It a Ufe at allL
- (Vlcar) We must..
- We should say no alcohol
It's a heady mixture,
the Uve weapons and the beer.
- Yeah.
- But then what would be the polnt?
.Then we will all become
over-nannied children.
- Treated llke babies?
- Exactly.
Yes, this re-enactment has been
going for years, 66 years, In fact,
and I ask you, has anyone ever been killed?
Just two,
- Or...or Injured?
- Only 56.
Now, this Is Important. This Isn't Just
floppy hats against saucepan heads.
It's not Just some T7th century Stuart
Crimewatch reconstruction.
This Is a...a celebration of folklore
and Uving history.
- There you are, Rosle.
- Thanks, Sal
You spend a lot of time In there, Rosle?
No, no. Not unless I'm having trouble,
you know, with all the others coming through.
Like Margaret and Peter.
Oh! I've told you about Peter!
That's supposed to be a secret. Oh!
- Who Is Peter?
- No, no, shh. I can't tell you.
What's frightened you, Rosle?
Is It something that happened at the factory?
WILL sald you went home from work
without clocking off yesterday.
- I'm not gonna lose my Job, am I, Sal?
- Oh, no. No, Rosle darling.
Well, was It something WILL sald?
Yeah.
I couldn't tell Margaret, cos he sald It was
our lttle secret. And that's what Peter sald.
Peter sald It was our little secret,
and I couldn't tell Margaret
cos that didn't happen.
Peter sald?
Oh, Peter.
Oh, God.
Rosle,
Is Peter somebody you knew a long time ago
when you were Little?
Yeah.
I can't tell, though.
Oh, Rosle.
You poor thing.
Don't tell Margaret.
No, Rosle, I think
I'm going to have to talk to Margaret.
Be careful.
You do believe me, don't you, Sal?
You know that Peter was a bad man?
Yes, Rosle. I believe he was very bad to you.
Yeah. Yeah.
(Shouts) Does anyone else
have anything they would Uke to say?
(Chatter)
Ladles and gentlemen, I think It Is time that
we grabbed the proverbial bull by the homns.
This day must be marked In some way,
or the council will make sure that It finds
some way to annihilate It completely.
They will find some...some nesting bird or
some migrating fish that cannot be disturbed.
And...and In the absence of any other plans,
I would Uke to submit for vote herewith
that the Gulld be appointed
the Job of arranging suitable activities.
Now hands up, please, for aye.
- Do what you're told.
- No, no, no, hang on!
Marvelous. Motion carried.
Ah, dear.
- Rosle, I need to talk to Margaret
- (Slighs)
- Is she here?
- She's In there.
OK, I want you to go and get her.
I need to sort this out. Please trust me.
There's something Margaret needs to know.
(Sighs)
(Clears throat)
- What?
- Margaret.
What has this sllly woman Rosle
been telling you now?
- It's about Peter.
- What? Who's Peter?
Come on, hurry up.
I haven't got time. I'm busy.
Hello, Rosle darling!
I've got some news.
We are gonna do the re-enactment.
- Eileen, Eileen! I'm Just talking to Margaret.
- Oh, my good godfather.
Shut up, you sllly Uttle self-Important Idiot!
And If you can't make yourself useful,
get out.
No, make the tea.
Go on, make the tea. Make It now.
- Oh, dear God, dear God.
- (Clears throat)
Listen, Margaret.
We are here to tell you about a man,
a very bad man called Peter.
- Well, what? What about...what about...
- Just shut up and Usten.
He has hurt Rosle very badly
and we think you should be looking after her.
Why should I believe you, you skivvy?
Because It's the truth.
And you should be looking after her.
And you're a very terrible woman
If you don't!
(Sighs)
- Margaret take sugar?
- (Whispers) Don't know.
God, I hope I'm doing this right.
Well, I don't think they made
any Instruction manuals for this, my darling.
(Whispers) Let's look.
- I'm fine! Raymond.
- Yeah.
Hello. Let's move over to the jackpot..
Rosle.
Hello, Sal! Hello, Eileen!
Are you all right?
Yeah. I'm sitting over here, though. I'm not
going over there. Margaret's over there.
She's furious with Peter. She's having a right
go at him. You should hear the language.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.
- Does Rosle take sugar?
- Frult!
Frult..frult bowl!
Frult bat! Froot Loop!
Right.
Yeah?
So firstly to say thank you to Sal
for letting us have the meeting here.
The meeting room Is belng usurped
by aqua-aerobics due to pool closure.
- About time.
- A consommé of urine and verrucas.
So, ladles, safety, safety, safety.
- Cake!
- Ooh.
Katle dear, we have already commenced,
thank you.
Now, as I was saying, safety, safety, safety.
I thought It was health and safety.
- Well, yes, It Is, strictly speaking, but...
- No, It Is health and safety.
Yes, that Is right, Katle,
but...well, all right, then!
Health and safety,
health and safety, health and safety!
If you've room enough In your braln for that,
Kate Bales.
- So It has been honoured to us...
- (Mouths)
.to provide activity and entertainment
for the re-enactment day, as you know.
And for that purpose,
I would Uke us all to...think-storm...
- (Mouths)
- ..as they say.
So Ideas, Ideas, Ideas?
So It's competitions Instead of battles?
Yes, Tip, yes. But safely.
In teams. Cavaliers, Roundheads. Quizzes.
- WILU that not all be a bit boring?
- No, It'lL be fun.
Safe Is never fun. Safe Is safe.
- Something mental, something physical
- (Mutters) Steady.
- Something for Queenle.
- What?
Not physical, darling.
- You've had that sling for a long time.
- Yes.
- Not always on the same arm.
- Miinchhausen's.
And how Is Rosle, Sal?
Can we count her as one of our number?
Oh, I don't know. She's getting better but she
doesn't Uke going out on her own, you know.
So she needs somebody with her.
- Who Is with her?
- Caroline.
Is that wise?
(Tuts)
(Sighs)
- It's a disaster.
- Disaster.
- What's this, then, Simon?
- Er...0Oakham and Thirsty Ferret.
Um...might I have a clean glass, Simon?
Mm.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Oh.
So will you be running
your, er...beer tent, Simon?
- Oh, yes.
- Marvellous.
- And...and you'll be King...
- (Burps)
...kinging...kinging In...kinging It?
I...I don't know.
I'm too depressed to think about It
Now, then, let's see where we've got to.
Number one, team quiz.
- What Is Sudoku?
- Su-do-ko.
It's marvellous, Katle, especially large scale,
head to head, team to team.
One to nine, boxes and rows. Thrilling.
And then followed by a physical game,
keep the challenge running throughout.
- That should glve the town a laugh. Why not?
- Oh, Tlp, come on!
Then there'll be a beer tent as usual
And Queenle'll be In charge
of the Uving history tableau.
(Snorts)
Well, It's hardly
going to set the world on fire, Is It?
Could you not give the lads a Uttle battle?
Something? I really think you have to.
Yeah, otherwlise It's not gonna be
a re-enactment of anything, Is It?
= No, It'll be an enactment of nothing.
- Or of everything we do badly.
Gosh, you may as well sit the town down
with a Puzzler magazine and a cup of Ovaltine.
We are here to save the day,
to mark It safely.
- Then let them mark It safely.
- No guns.
- Sticks?
- Soft sticks and flat earth.
With helmets. And roped off.
- And they'll stop If I blow a whistle.
- James'll be there, If anyone gets a splinter.
- Oh, he's the King.
- Yeah.
We could behead him.
(Barking)
- Oh, God.
- What?
I mean normally this...
We don't have to stay.
Let's Just enjoy It for what It Is.
A plss-up In a damp fleld.
God, this looks sad.
You're looking very... Well done.
Well, you only get to be King once.
So after Safety In Numbers,
which Is the Su-do-ko challenge,
the teams will advance towards
the next event
to the sound of a fanfare
glven over the Tannoy, not too loud, mind.
Your wife not with you?
With me, but won't be seen with me.
- You've got terribly good legs.
- Veronica!
So.
Let's go.
- Why? Have you brought more drugs for me?
- No, you don't need them.
No, Margaret has talked to Peter
and got rid of him.
- Yeah, but It's blg out there, Sal
= No, no, no.
He could be anywhere,
cos he was at the cheese factory.
- No, he's gone, he's gone.
- Yeah.
- I'll be there. And, Rosle...
- Yeah?
- You love belng a wench, don't you?
- Yeah, I do!
But I'm not gonna go today, no.
- I'm much safer here. I'm gonna stay here.
- Oh, Rosle.
- Yeah. You go, Sal
= No.
Go and have a good time!
- Slt with Queenle, and then sing your song.
- I'm not singing.
- Does she have to?
- I'm paying her.
To help, not to be humiliated.
WIU you shut up and sit down?
- Not you, Queenle.
- I'L sing, then, shall I?
No, she Is going to sing Scarborough Falr
that she has sung at the re-enactment
ever since she was six years old.
- You all right?
- I will be after a few beers.
So, what would you Uke to be?
A mouse.
Can you be a bit more specific?
Right, ladles, can I please
have my Cavaliers to the right
and Roundheads to my left, thank you.
(Chuckles) 362 years on,
and you're still signing up to lose, mate.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah, hunter boy.
- Oh, sorry. Conservationist.
- Trustafarlan.
Ah, His Twatness the King.
- Where's Sal?
- Whoo-hoo!
- Here Is Rosle, and she Is safe.
- Yeah.
Unless, of course, lightning strikes.
- She's not on our team.
- Thank God.
- So, forward, ladles.
- Right.
- How many have you had?
- Not enough.
- I expect I'll be all right.
= Yeah.
- Shall I have a drink? Would that be...
- No, Rosle, no.
No?
Roll up, roll up, ladles and gentlemen!
The Su-do-ko challenge!
There. Let's go for the middle squares.
Put a nine In there somewhere.
Yeah, house.
And the winner, ladles and gentlemen,
Is the Parliamentarians!
(Cheering)
Now moving on to the next skirmish.
On your marks, get set, go!
Go on, Caroline! Plck 'em up!
Come on! Get up! Quickly!
(Shouting)
Faster! Quickly!
- And the winner Is...the Cavaliers.
- (Raised voices)
- Yes!
- It's neck and neck!
Follow us now, ladles and gentlemen,
round to the gazebo.
- Sal?
- Mm?
- How many frult am I meant to have a day?
= Five.
- And Is apples frult?
- Yeah.
And Is clder apples?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Volunteer to be executed,
we can all go home.
Where's an axeman when you need him?
(Clicks tongue)
Speed-knitting.
Blunted needles.
(Chatter)
Would all the lads, please, who wish
to take part In the Battle of Clatterford,
please make thelr way
to the green now, thank you.
(Cheering)
(Electronic fanfare)
When I blow my whistle, you will stop.
Let battle commence!
(Cheering)
Fight!
- (Whistle blowing)
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
Yeah?
- (Whistle blowing)
- Fight!
KILL him!
(Whistle blowing)
- One of them's been hurt!
- Spike!
OK, what's your name?
Who...who am 1?7?
Bog off, James.
You all right?
- (Children shout)
- Boys, eh?
- Yes, well
- Oh!
They stayed within the roped area.
Largely, yes.
- Al hazards marked.
- Yes.
- No dangerous weapons.
- No.
Well, then, no worries. You can't help It
If people Just want to have a bit of fun.
Thank you.
But In future, If I were you, cut the games.
Just have the fight.
Much appreciated.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #
- (Humming tune)
- # I can't get you out of my head
# Boy, It's more than
1 dare to think about..
Oh, blimey.
- (Sniffs) Hm.
- # la la la
- M lalala la la..
- Oh, I'm gonna have to do a shop.
I'll only have to eat It then, won't I?
I know. Go on a dlet
- Good morning!
- Oh, God! You made me Jump.
- What's happened?
- Nothing. Just thought we'd see how you are.
Great! The kettle's Just boiled.
WILL you have a cup of tea?
- Ah, yes, lovely, thanks.
- OK, OK.
Yasmeen, will you get the milk
out of the fridge, please, love?
Oh, no, no, not that one.
That's gone off. The...the other one.
But the other one might be off as well,
so you better taste It
- Well, er...lovely morning.
- Mm.
Actually, can we not have this...
- (Muslc off)
- .on?
What Is It?
- Well..
- Well, no, there...there Is some news.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- No, I'm not...
- What?
- I'm not pregnant
- Oh.
Oh, well, never mind.
Um...well, what Is It, then?
- Well..
- Say It.
It's Just It won't seem Important now.
The not news has taken the moment
1 told you If you made a blg thing out of It,
that's what she would think.
It's about the re-enactment day.
(Laughs) Oh, God, the re-enactment day.
Well, that's always good for a laugh,
Isn't It?
- A laugh?
- Yeah, the Battle of Clatterford.
AIL those boozed-up boys tanked up
from the beer tent pretending to be soldiers.
(Chuckles) Floppy hats versus saucepan heads.
And then they get some pompous old tosspot
wandering around In a curly wig
pretending to be...
The King. King Charles 1.
Oh.
It's actually a huge honour
bestowed on a prominent local citizen
by the Historical Society.
- Of which you're a member.
- Yes.
Sorry.
Oh, what? Family conference
to which I'm not Invited? Great.
- Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?
- No.
- No, no, no. James Is going to be King.
- Of?
Twats?
- No, Clatterford.
- No, England. King Charles I of England, Mum.
- In the re-enactment thing.
- Oh.
- Oh, here we go.
- Cool
No, at first I was Uke, "That Is Uke
a celebration of violence and death.”
- Really?
- Llke medieval Cimewatch reconstruction.
Medieval? 1646, the Stuarts
on the cusp of the Interregnum?
But then Marcus sald that actually It's
a celebration of folklore and lving history.
- So...
- Marcus, huntsman and oracle!
He's not a huntsman any more,
he's a conservationist.
- WILU you stop that, please?
- HI, Splke.
Hey. All right
Oh, my God.
Mum, can you tell your "boyfriend” not
to Just Uke rock up when I am half dressed?
I do still Uve here, you know.
- There's some frult In the fridge.
- Are you In the re-enactment, Splke?
- We should be going.
- (Splke) Yeah, yeah.
Well, James Is going to be King.
Are you on his side?
No, no. I believe him to be a closet papist
who had no ear or respect for Parliament,
who was obsessed with trying to enforce
Anglicanism on the Scots.
Yeah, he started wars nobody wanted.
Oh, bravo. You went to school.
The Tony Blair of his day.
- That's the kind of meaningless nonsense...
- Don't start something.
No, you'd better watch It, James,
because Splke Is a crack shot.
Oh, yeah, musket man.
- Oh, really? Flintlock or matchlock?
- Flnt
- Really?
- School champion.
- What school?
- Eton.
- Morning, Rosle.
- Al right, Will? Where's Ken?
- Ken's on a course so I'm foreman today.
- Oh!
Now, Rosle, you're gonna have to help me
with something today.
- Right. Where's Ken?
- I told you. He's on a course.
Right, yeah. Where's Gllllan?
Cos It's her shift with me today.
- The thing Is, she's sick...
- Oh.
- .And I can't anyone else on this so...
- Oh. Cos I can't do It on my own, can I?
- No, but Usten.
- No, cos It has to be two operatives.
- Them's the rules.
- I know.
Cos you heard what happened
to Jan when she was on her own.
She had a prophylactic fit
cos she's allergic to the plastic.
- Her Italian cheese order didn't go out.
- Yes, come here, darling.
Yeah, you heard her head lke swelled up
the size of a pumpkin and then It popped.
- Lovely Rosle. Lovely girl
- I know. Yeah.
- If you work In here on your own today...
- Yeah.
...no one'll know, and I'll make sure
you have some nice cheese to take home.
- You lUke cheese, don't you?
- I do, yeah.
And It'lL be our Uttle secret.
- Our Uttle secret?
- Mm.
- You're not Peter, you're WILL
- That's right, darling.
Our lttle secret.
I'll Just do some labelling, then.
What the hell are you doing here
on your own, Rosle?
You know It's against the rules!
Oh, Margaret, what hasn't happened
Is WIL hasn't told me...
Don't lle to me!
She won't believe me.
She'll say I'm a dirty Uttle Uar.
Oh, hello, Rosle. Oh.
- But what actual powers do you have?
- Loads.
I can confiscate alcohol
If It's belng consumed In a public place.
- But actual powers?
- I can direct traffic.
So not a real policeman?
I can detain someone for up to 20 minutes
until a real..
Until a constable arrives on the scene.
So not a real policeman, then?
- No, not a real policeman.
= I am so.
- Are not
- Am so.
Hobby bobby.
- Oh! No, no, no, stop It!
- (Radlo crackles)
Stop It! Stop It! This Is slly!
Stop! Stop It!
You're always supposed to have
two operatives at any one time, Rosle!
You've been told that agaln and agaln,
you stupid Uttle girl!
I know, Margaret, but I'm trying to keep
a secret. I'm keeping secrets all the time!
I have a secret with Peter! I've got
a secret, secret, secret! All the time!
I hate cheese! I hate cheese!
- I hate cheese!
- I hate cheese myself.
- If I eat It, I don't sleep.
- (Sobbing)
Oh.
Auntie Rosle!
She's stolen the bloody PIN machine.
But It doesn't matter.
- I'm gonna make an arrest.
= A citizen's arrest!
- (Siren on)
- You have no more powers than me.
Shall I get Sal?
(Siren blaring)
(Whistles) Hey! I need a hand!
Come on!
- There they are! Which one do you want?
- That one there!
- What does It matter which one It Is?
- Look!
- There!
- Then open the frigging gate!
- Just bring them all out!
- I've had It with you, mister!
- The one I want's at the back.
- Don't you shout at me!
If you'd made up your mind beforehand which
cow you bloody well wanted, this would not...
(Cow bellows)
(Laughs)
Poor girl
Right, well, that should
keep her asleep for a few hours.
We should be putting her
on to stronger medication,
If this sort of thing's gonna occur.
No. No, something must have
happened to her.
Why risk this happening agaln?
Because she's no risk to anybody else and
I don't want her medicated out of existence.
- I don't see that this Is any kinder, Mum.
- The old medical cosh.
Make them Into a zombie.
...the annual re-enactment day
Is to be cancelled,
Coundll officials have deemed
the annual celebration
of the Infamous Clatterford skirmish of %646
- as simply too dangerous.
- This... No! Outrageous! Bloody hell!
I'm off. I'm gonna call a meeting.
- Health and bloody safety?
- I'llL stay with her.
Er...flne, yes. Well, good luck.
Christ. 1 wonder
If the Historical Society knows about this.
- You're coming to the meeting at the pub?
- Do be careful!
- Sory.
- I'm Just doing the dog mess.
I forgot to tell Mikey about It,
and you know we've got the Klaxons here
recording an EP In the bamn.
- Mm?
- And one of them... Mind out. Oh!
Trod In something, and took It all the way
through the sitting room and Into the snug.
- Oh, no.
- I was seething.
- I bet you were.
- Absolutely seething.
- He wasn't fazed at all by It Ridiculous.
- No, no.
- That Is the problem with pop musicians.
- They Just won't look where they're walking.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.
(Low chatter)
Oh, yeah. There's a table.
- Oh, walt. No, no, no, sorry, no.
- Excuse me?
No, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, darling.
This Is a Gulld table.
Over here, girls. Over here.
- Right, who's getting the drinks In?
- I don't think we can get to the bar.
Queenle darling,
you'll get through with your sling.
- Go on, and we'll shout Kate's order to you.
= I'L have a lemonade.
Oh, no, no.
- Drink?
- No, you're too late. We're sorted.
We're fine, thank you.
(Banging gavel) Ladles and gentlemen.
Ooh, he's got a gavel!
- Do something.
- What?
- You're the landlord. Close the bar.
- It's a pub.
- Now, ladles, we are here In our capacity...
- Oh, no.
- What does that mean?
- We'll do what we're told.
Glve...glve me flve large sherries.
Ladles and gentlemen,
my name ls Dr James Vine,
and this Is...
Now we're all here to discuss the fact that our
traditional re-enactment has been cancelled
on health and safety grounds.
I. trust that we're all suitably outraged.
(Raised voices)
I now hand you over to the vicar,
who has something to say on the matter.
I was going to Introduce you.
Health and safety laws
were made to save us from harm,
to save us from...from others,
but not to save us from ourselves.
- That's God's Job.
- Thank you, yes.
Of course, there will be the Iresponsible few
but one cannot have a risk-free lfe
and call It a Ufe at allL
- (Vlcar) We must..
- We should say no alcohol
It's a heady mixture,
the Uve weapons and the beer.
- Yeah.
- But then what would be the polnt?
.Then we will all become
over-nannied children.
- Treated llke babies?
- Exactly.
Yes, this re-enactment has been
going for years, 66 years, In fact,
and I ask you, has anyone ever been killed?
Just two,
- Or...or Injured?
- Only 56.
Now, this Is Important. This Isn't Just
floppy hats against saucepan heads.
It's not Just some T7th century Stuart
Crimewatch reconstruction.
This Is a...a celebration of folklore
and Uving history.
- There you are, Rosle.
- Thanks, Sal
You spend a lot of time In there, Rosle?
No, no. Not unless I'm having trouble,
you know, with all the others coming through.
Like Margaret and Peter.
Oh! I've told you about Peter!
That's supposed to be a secret. Oh!
- Who Is Peter?
- No, no, shh. I can't tell you.
What's frightened you, Rosle?
Is It something that happened at the factory?
WILL sald you went home from work
without clocking off yesterday.
- I'm not gonna lose my Job, am I, Sal?
- Oh, no. No, Rosle darling.
Well, was It something WILL sald?
Yeah.
I couldn't tell Margaret, cos he sald It was
our lttle secret. And that's what Peter sald.
Peter sald It was our little secret,
and I couldn't tell Margaret
cos that didn't happen.
Peter sald?
Oh, Peter.
Oh, God.
Rosle,
Is Peter somebody you knew a long time ago
when you were Little?
Yeah.
I can't tell, though.
Oh, Rosle.
You poor thing.
Don't tell Margaret.
No, Rosle, I think
I'm going to have to talk to Margaret.
Be careful.
You do believe me, don't you, Sal?
You know that Peter was a bad man?
Yes, Rosle. I believe he was very bad to you.
Yeah. Yeah.
(Shouts) Does anyone else
have anything they would Uke to say?
(Chatter)
Ladles and gentlemen, I think It Is time that
we grabbed the proverbial bull by the homns.
This day must be marked In some way,
or the council will make sure that It finds
some way to annihilate It completely.
They will find some...some nesting bird or
some migrating fish that cannot be disturbed.
And...and In the absence of any other plans,
I would Uke to submit for vote herewith
that the Gulld be appointed
the Job of arranging suitable activities.
Now hands up, please, for aye.
- Do what you're told.
- No, no, no, hang on!
Marvelous. Motion carried.
Ah, dear.
- Rosle, I need to talk to Margaret
- (Slighs)
- Is she here?
- She's In there.
OK, I want you to go and get her.
I need to sort this out. Please trust me.
There's something Margaret needs to know.
(Sighs)
(Clears throat)
- What?
- Margaret.
What has this sllly woman Rosle
been telling you now?
- It's about Peter.
- What? Who's Peter?
Come on, hurry up.
I haven't got time. I'm busy.
Hello, Rosle darling!
I've got some news.
We are gonna do the re-enactment.
- Eileen, Eileen! I'm Just talking to Margaret.
- Oh, my good godfather.
Shut up, you sllly Uttle self-Important Idiot!
And If you can't make yourself useful,
get out.
No, make the tea.
Go on, make the tea. Make It now.
- Oh, dear God, dear God.
- (Clears throat)
Listen, Margaret.
We are here to tell you about a man,
a very bad man called Peter.
- Well, what? What about...what about...
- Just shut up and Usten.
He has hurt Rosle very badly
and we think you should be looking after her.
Why should I believe you, you skivvy?
Because It's the truth.
And you should be looking after her.
And you're a very terrible woman
If you don't!
(Sighs)
- Margaret take sugar?
- (Whispers) Don't know.
God, I hope I'm doing this right.
Well, I don't think they made
any Instruction manuals for this, my darling.
(Whispers) Let's look.
- I'm fine! Raymond.
- Yeah.
Hello. Let's move over to the jackpot..
Rosle.
Hello, Sal! Hello, Eileen!
Are you all right?
Yeah. I'm sitting over here, though. I'm not
going over there. Margaret's over there.
She's furious with Peter. She's having a right
go at him. You should hear the language.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.
- Does Rosle take sugar?
- Frult!
Frult..frult bowl!
Frult bat! Froot Loop!
Right.
Yeah?
So firstly to say thank you to Sal
for letting us have the meeting here.
The meeting room Is belng usurped
by aqua-aerobics due to pool closure.
- About time.
- A consommé of urine and verrucas.
So, ladles, safety, safety, safety.
- Cake!
- Ooh.
Katle dear, we have already commenced,
thank you.
Now, as I was saying, safety, safety, safety.
I thought It was health and safety.
- Well, yes, It Is, strictly speaking, but...
- No, It Is health and safety.
Yes, that Is right, Katle,
but...well, all right, then!
Health and safety,
health and safety, health and safety!
If you've room enough In your braln for that,
Kate Bales.
- So It has been honoured to us...
- (Mouths)
.to provide activity and entertainment
for the re-enactment day, as you know.
And for that purpose,
I would Uke us all to...think-storm...
- (Mouths)
- ..as they say.
So Ideas, Ideas, Ideas?
So It's competitions Instead of battles?
Yes, Tip, yes. But safely.
In teams. Cavaliers, Roundheads. Quizzes.
- WILU that not all be a bit boring?
- No, It'lL be fun.
Safe Is never fun. Safe Is safe.
- Something mental, something physical
- (Mutters) Steady.
- Something for Queenle.
- What?
Not physical, darling.
- You've had that sling for a long time.
- Yes.
- Not always on the same arm.
- Miinchhausen's.
And how Is Rosle, Sal?
Can we count her as one of our number?
Oh, I don't know. She's getting better but she
doesn't Uke going out on her own, you know.
So she needs somebody with her.
- Who Is with her?
- Caroline.
Is that wise?
(Tuts)
(Sighs)
- It's a disaster.
- Disaster.
- What's this, then, Simon?
- Er...0Oakham and Thirsty Ferret.
Um...might I have a clean glass, Simon?
Mm.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Oh.
So will you be running
your, er...beer tent, Simon?
- Oh, yes.
- Marvellous.
- And...and you'll be King...
- (Burps)
...kinging...kinging In...kinging It?
I...I don't know.
I'm too depressed to think about It
Now, then, let's see where we've got to.
Number one, team quiz.
- What Is Sudoku?
- Su-do-ko.
It's marvellous, Katle, especially large scale,
head to head, team to team.
One to nine, boxes and rows. Thrilling.
And then followed by a physical game,
keep the challenge running throughout.
- That should glve the town a laugh. Why not?
- Oh, Tlp, come on!
Then there'll be a beer tent as usual
And Queenle'll be In charge
of the Uving history tableau.
(Snorts)
Well, It's hardly
going to set the world on fire, Is It?
Could you not give the lads a Uttle battle?
Something? I really think you have to.
Yeah, otherwlise It's not gonna be
a re-enactment of anything, Is It?
= No, It'll be an enactment of nothing.
- Or of everything we do badly.
Gosh, you may as well sit the town down
with a Puzzler magazine and a cup of Ovaltine.
We are here to save the day,
to mark It safely.
- Then let them mark It safely.
- No guns.
- Sticks?
- Soft sticks and flat earth.
With helmets. And roped off.
- And they'll stop If I blow a whistle.
- James'll be there, If anyone gets a splinter.
- Oh, he's the King.
- Yeah.
We could behead him.
(Barking)
- Oh, God.
- What?
I mean normally this...
We don't have to stay.
Let's Just enjoy It for what It Is.
A plss-up In a damp fleld.
God, this looks sad.
You're looking very... Well done.
Well, you only get to be King once.
So after Safety In Numbers,
which Is the Su-do-ko challenge,
the teams will advance towards
the next event
to the sound of a fanfare
glven over the Tannoy, not too loud, mind.
Your wife not with you?
With me, but won't be seen with me.
- You've got terribly good legs.
- Veronica!
So.
Let's go.
- Why? Have you brought more drugs for me?
- No, you don't need them.
No, Margaret has talked to Peter
and got rid of him.
- Yeah, but It's blg out there, Sal
= No, no, no.
He could be anywhere,
cos he was at the cheese factory.
- No, he's gone, he's gone.
- Yeah.
- I'll be there. And, Rosle...
- Yeah?
- You love belng a wench, don't you?
- Yeah, I do!
But I'm not gonna go today, no.
- I'm much safer here. I'm gonna stay here.
- Oh, Rosle.
- Yeah. You go, Sal
= No.
Go and have a good time!
- Slt with Queenle, and then sing your song.
- I'm not singing.
- Does she have to?
- I'm paying her.
To help, not to be humiliated.
WIU you shut up and sit down?
- Not you, Queenle.
- I'L sing, then, shall I?
No, she Is going to sing Scarborough Falr
that she has sung at the re-enactment
ever since she was six years old.
- You all right?
- I will be after a few beers.
So, what would you Uke to be?
A mouse.
Can you be a bit more specific?
Right, ladles, can I please
have my Cavaliers to the right
and Roundheads to my left, thank you.
(Chuckles) 362 years on,
and you're still signing up to lose, mate.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah, hunter boy.
- Oh, sorry. Conservationist.
- Trustafarlan.
Ah, His Twatness the King.
- Where's Sal?
- Whoo-hoo!
- Here Is Rosle, and she Is safe.
- Yeah.
Unless, of course, lightning strikes.
- She's not on our team.
- Thank God.
- So, forward, ladles.
- Right.
- How many have you had?
- Not enough.
- I expect I'll be all right.
= Yeah.
- Shall I have a drink? Would that be...
- No, Rosle, no.
No?
Roll up, roll up, ladles and gentlemen!
The Su-do-ko challenge!
There. Let's go for the middle squares.
Put a nine In there somewhere.
Yeah, house.
And the winner, ladles and gentlemen,
Is the Parliamentarians!
(Cheering)
Now moving on to the next skirmish.
On your marks, get set, go!
Go on, Caroline! Plck 'em up!
Come on! Get up! Quickly!
(Shouting)
Faster! Quickly!
- And the winner Is...the Cavaliers.
- (Raised voices)
- Yes!
- It's neck and neck!
Follow us now, ladles and gentlemen,
round to the gazebo.
- Sal?
- Mm?
- How many frult am I meant to have a day?
= Five.
- And Is apples frult?
- Yeah.
And Is clder apples?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Volunteer to be executed,
we can all go home.
Where's an axeman when you need him?
(Clicks tongue)
Speed-knitting.
Blunted needles.
(Chatter)
Would all the lads, please, who wish
to take part In the Battle of Clatterford,
please make thelr way
to the green now, thank you.
(Cheering)
(Electronic fanfare)
When I blow my whistle, you will stop.
Let battle commence!
(Cheering)
Fight!
- (Whistle blowing)
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
Yeah?
- (Whistle blowing)
- Fight!
KILL him!
(Whistle blowing)
- One of them's been hurt!
- Spike!
OK, what's your name?
Who...who am 1?7?
Bog off, James.
You all right?
- (Children shout)
- Boys, eh?
- Yes, well
- Oh!
They stayed within the roped area.
Largely, yes.
- Al hazards marked.
- Yes.
- No dangerous weapons.
- No.
Well, then, no worries. You can't help It
If people Just want to have a bit of fun.
Thank you.
But In future, If I were you, cut the games.
Just have the fight.
Much appreciated.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #