Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
It is Harvest Festival time and the Women's Guild attempt to help the vicar set up for the day. Rosie believes she has seen the face of Jesus upon a potato and the vicar's reaction causes her alter-ego, Margaret, to surface.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely... #
Push It In. That's It
# God bless strawberry Jam
and all the different varieties #
Sorry. Sorry. Is this Gulld business?
Well, actually, no.
But, traditionally, yes.
You see, we have taken It upon ourselves
to be the deliverers to the poor
and the Infirm of the village.
- Tins?
- Pardon?
Tins and packets?
Well, there will be fresh,
but we don't want It going off.
Yes, but It's hardly
the bounty of the land, Is It?
Ah, but, we'll be making
the harvest frog agaln,
out of the appropriate frult.
Harvest man, Queenle.
It Just looked Uke a frog.
Don't worry, Vicar,
there'll be lots of fresh
and we"ll drag out the corn dollies
and the Gulld sheaf.
Fine.
But please, no tins on the altar.
Right? Thank you.
We'll give him a second.
(Clatter)
Come on, we can get In
through the vestry.
We want you to bring him In
quite quickly to this.
And because It's uphill,
you've gotta push him on now,
absolutely make sure
he can actually see It,
and push him on as you go over, all right?
Otherwise, I've got a feeling
he's gonna run out.
I cry out In the daytime,
and you do not answer!
0, most everlasting Father,
grant me the grace to hear your volce.
(Deep West Country accent)
What Is It you want, my son?
Who Is that?
It is I
I am with you, my son,
and with your spirit.
Who Is that, please?
Hallow-ed be my name.
Come out here, please.
Sorry, Vicar. (Laughs) Did you think
I was God there for a second?
No, I didn't, no. Not at all, no.
You having trouble hearing
his volce at the moment?
- Well..
- When you do hear his volce,
Is It Uke Inside your head
or through your ear holes?
No, It.. It comes to me.
Cos that's the question
on the questionnaire.
- Up at the psychlatricals.
- It's not quite the same thing.
Cos I'm the same as you, ain't I?
I get "em - voices.
Yeah, I got Margaret.
She's going on, on, on, on
at me sometimes.
Really?
You probably think, "That's mad,
that's a nutter.”
I wonder If people think that of you, Vicar.
"He's talking to God, he's a nutter.”
There's an element I should Imagine, yes.
Cos my son says that you can't tell
the difference these days
from those who's mad
and those who's Just on the hands-free.
- I've no Idea what you're talking about.
- That's why I Uke coming In here, see?
Cos they can't get to me In here,
don't hear 'em In here.
Margaret can't come In here.
No voices.
I come In here for a bit of peace.
- Peace?
- Yeah.
- Peace?
- Yeah.
Yes, shall we...shall we try that?
Peace! Peace!
Thank you. Peace.
- Grant us your...
- Grant us your peace, O Lord.
God Is the author of peace
and the lover of concord.
Correct! Good!
It's gone now. Oh!
- What?
- Concord.
You think God's sad?
Look, can we Just have silence?
- Silence, yes.
- Silence, all right?
Yes.
Silence now, please.
(Shouts) Silence, please!
Silence In the court!
(Whispers) Silence, silence...
Shh! Silence.
Can you hear his volce now, Vicar?
No? Do you want me to try?
Cos he could Just be busy. Call back later.
- All right.
- Yeah.
I don't hear the voices If I've taken my plils.
Right.
How do you get to be a vicar, Vicar?
I was thinking If I was a vicar,
I could spend more time In the church,
then Margaret wouldn't bother me.
Do you have to be special or anything?
Well, I-1 wouldn't say special exactly.
It's more...
Mm, Just ke your powers you've got,
lke you're turning water Into holy water,
and you're blessing things and stuff,
Uke turning fish Into bread and stuff.
Were you born with those powers?
Or did you have to take Uke an exam,
you know, and get a cerfatlcafucklt?
- From the head of the church?
- No, It's quite complicated.
Is It? Is It?
So, could I be a vicar then? Could I?
Well, no, you have to have
what's called, erm, "a calling.”
A calling? Do you?
Yeah, the decision Is thrust
upon you by a higher power.
You have a sign from God.
- Do you?
- Yes.
Do you?!
- Ngh'tI
Right. Well, Il look out for that, then.
- Yes, do.
- Yes.
Shh! Now, silence, please.
Silence.
(Eileen) Rosle!
Oh, I hope she's not bothering you, Vicar.
- I am trying to pray!
- We are trying to pray!
I've got to dash.
- I'm lollypopping.
- Al right, Queenle.
Now, Rosle. Let's try and make you useful
Vlcar here wants some fresh
for the church harvest festival tomorrow,
and this could be your job.
- Al right!
- Just go down the plot,
and see what you can find for him.
I don't know If I've planted
any fresh on the plot.
Thank you.
(Eileen) Go on, go on.
No, no, no, no, take that.
Right, now, let's Just try
plunging It Into the arm,
Just to get the sensation.
You don't have to aim
for the velns or anything, Just...
Just go on, off you go.
Right, here goes.
Did I hit It yet?
No, look, open your eyes, luvvie,
open your eyes.
Sorry, It's not the needle
that's my problem,
It's Just with the blood.
Did I draw any blood that time?
No, no, because you're not hitting a veln.
No, no, no, no.
Stop stabbing, stop.
Just tell me your symptoms
and I'll prescribe you something
and then we don't need to go
bothering the doctor.
Hey, you say It's urgent
and I'm telling you I don't have
a free slot till next Wednesday.
So, maybe now you see
the wisdom of my words.
Is It your varicose velns?
Because I was behind you
In the spa the other day
and It looked Uke you were
smuggling walnuts In your tights.
Well, I'll leave that with you, then.
Oh! How have you ever coped?
Well, I've done mainly lab work.
- Mice?
- No, Just test tubes.
_ - Ah!
(Tlp) We're closed!
HI, Vicar. Something the matter?
- Is the doctor In?
- Oh, no, sorry.
- I need my prescription.
- Beta-blockers, Isn't It?
Mm.
- Well, you are all right?
- Yes, flne, Just...
- Frayed nerves, you know.
- Yeah.
Can you...
Yeah, yeah, leave It with me.
Repeat prescription for the vicar.
(Sal talking In the background)
Oh, and that reminds me,
we need to keep an eye on Rosle.
Rosle?
Lovely Rosle? Little?
Couldn't knock her off a ball
Oh, the, emm...
Yeah, I think, the C.P.N. looks after her.
No, we need to keep an eye on her
because sometimes she loses her medication.
How lucky we are In this modem world
to have the luxury of medicine.
A pllL for everything.
- Yes.
- Jesus, on the other hand,
bore his agony,
his cross with nothing but falth and love
to ease his burden.
= Your point?
= No point.
Plus help us bear our sins more easily.
I trust this Is some kind of humor.
What else would you expect
from someone raised by nuns
In a cold convent In southern Ireland?
- It must have been dreadful
- No, It was lovely.
I won't have a word sald against them.
But, that won't win you
the Booker prize, will it?
See ya.
See ya!
HI! Collecting for the harvest festival
Anything past or near Its sell-by date
In tin or packet form.
Yeah, that'll be, Uke, everything.
Oh, er, no, cos I think
Jim sald he'd leave things aside.
Lovely! Thank you!
- Can you do the questionnaire?
- Oh!
Yes.
Er... "Is there anything
In the shop you haven't seen
"or would Uke to see?”
Oh! Emn...
Oh, now, what I have seen?
Em...
Oh, do I, do I Just have to remember or...
can I go around agaln?
Shall I Just go round...?
I'll Just go round agaln.
So I've seen nuts, erm...
Well, I'd Uke to see that Emm...
As a Gulld member,
will you be participating
In the desecration of the church
for the harvest festival tomorrow?
- Have you seen any traffic?
- No, I haven't, sorry.
Harvest? I mean, last year It was as If
a small branch of Mace had exploded
and cast Its entire contents
to the four comers.
Tomorrow? No, no, because Tlp and I are dolng
first ald at the pony club cross country.
You ought to come. It's hilarious.
No, I have a christening of some Infant.
Ah, now, that Is Elaine and Jay's Lttle one.
= You be nice.
- All right.
- See ya.
- See ya. Where are you going now?
To the church.
It's the polinty building behind the pub.
(Man on PA) Anyone wishing to proceed
to the start should now do so.
Cos at the moment, we haven't got
anybody down there at all
(PA) Excessive use of the whip
Is not permitted,
You will be disqualified.
That goes for all the girls,
and the boy.
Can I have your attention, please?
We seem to have a sheep
standing In front of jump number 2
Can somebody run along and remove It,
please? Thank you.
1 have just been Informed
that hot dogs are now available.
No.
Dear Lord!
Grant me that I should...
- (Feedback whistling)
- Sorry about that,
but just to say hot beverages
are available from the, er...
- Stall?
- Tent?
- Er; the...
- Facility?
- The, er, Uttle, er..
- Oh!
- ..person selling the coffee.
Now, darling, you know that I can't be there
at the start, all right?
But I want you to make sure
that you get him going properly.
I'll be up fence-Judging with Susle,
because you know he can do this course.
You know that, don't you?
Mm? I mean, the problem Is, we Just don't have
the time to get them going.
I was Just thinking,
In a couple of years' time, In your gap year,
erm, we could spend that time usefully,
really getting these horses going.
- I don't want a gap year.
- We have just found a cheap Reece.
Anybody that's lost one, come and see us.
Oh, I'm Uking this.
It's Uke belng at the beach.
Yeah, without the beach,
the sun, the sand and the fun.
(Laughs) Shut up!
The pony stood on her foot.
(Sighs)
Oh!
That looks all right.
I tell you what.
Slp her sock off and stick It In the stream.
Not the sock, the foot!
Bananas, yes.
Yes, I think so and...
Are they the arms?
- Limbs!
- Limbs.
So, Is this us now?
Are we all we are to be?
Any more guests expected?
= No, no.
- Right.
- Don't mind me, Vicar.
I Just want to put these out.
What are they?
They're miniature
flower arrangements In thimbles.
From our last meeting.
It seems such a shame...
for them not to be seen.
Right.
Shall we proceed to the font?
To the thing that looks Uke...
da bird bath.
Does It have to be a man?
- Well, I think so.
- Ooh!
It's Just I've got
these lovely big melons.
(Sniggering)
Right.
Is that holy water, then?
Yes It Is, yes.
Does It come holy or do you make
It holy somehow?
(Giggling)
It Is consecrated.
It Is blessed by the priest with solemn prayer.
(Giggling)
I make It holy.
Child's name.
- Kelra.
- I beg your pardon.
- Kelra!
- After somebody?
- We Just Uke It
- Aln't that lovely, Vicar?
What was that dreadful name
we had the other week?
Bonce or something?
Beyoncé, that was.
- I think that's lovely too.
- Right.
I'L Just top up my thimbles.
(Baby grizzles)
Right.
Thank you.
Right.
Now, Kla-ora.
It Is!
Oh, It really Is!
No, Margaret, go away.
You are not having It, Margaret.
There, there.
I am not a fool, Margaret.
I am not a fool!
And other sheep I have,
which are not of this fold:
them also I bring,
and they shall hear my volce.
(Man on PA) Ladles can now
use the gents', as theirs Is full
And there shall be one fold,
and one shepherd.
Let us pray.
With the Lord's Prayer.
Do you know It?
It's the one from school.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Right, good.
Carry on.
- Once...
- No, not Once In Royal..
(AIL) Our Father,
which art In heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
- (Caroline) I was In London this week.
- Yeah.
- It's 392,
- 392, yeah.
I can't believe the size of the vehicles
people drive In town, for God's sake.
- Chelsea tractors.
- Yes.
You know, great blg four-wheelers
all driven by one sllly lttle blonde woman
as far as I could make out.
- Was that 9? Clear.
- Yeah.
- There's no more room Inslide.
- No, there's less.
- Less room Inside.
- They say they're safer.
Well, only from other people
In huge four-wheelers, as far as I can see.
In Italy, everyone Is happy to drive around
In Flats and Uttle Peugeots.
Yeah, well, you see, you can
park them anywhere. Ooh, go on!
Kick him on! Kick him on!
- What, 127
Now they say they're going
to tax the blg people
In the Porsche Cayennes now,
and they'll be happy about It
Well, It makes them feel even richer.
Oh, Is that Joey Larson?
No, that's William, 557.
- Clear.
Of course, I have got the Discovery.
Yes, but you need It
- Is that a 4x4?
= Yes.
Sure?
I think you've got differential, haven't you?
- Is that on the steering wheel?
- No, on the gear stick.
Oh, that's what that knob ls.
- (PA) There Is a Jack Russell at Fence 5.
- (Horse neighs)
- What's happening?
- He won't do anything!
That's because you're not making him do It
You've got to be boss,
don't you understand?
- He's too fat!
- He's not too fat.
And whose fault Is It If he's so fat?
You're supposed to be exercising him.
He's your pony!
Al right, give him to me.
- I'm here If you need me.
- I'll get him over the Jump.
Honestly, you're absolutely hopeless.
- Did you even warm him up?
- Yes.
- Hmm?
- Oh!
Uphll, so I can get on him.
Shouldn't you have a back protector?
Look, no, he's completely cold,
he's completely cold.
Oh, my God!
It's not a harvest ape.
It's a harvest frog.
It's a harvest man.
Sorry, may I Just ask?
When was a cucumber an appropriate frult?
It's representational
Well, It's hideous and I won't have It
- You willL
- And look...
Look at these childish daublngs and graffiti,
Blu-tacked to the altar.
These were done by the children I teach.
Teach? (Scoffs) Not on this evidence.
"God Is In da house"? Ha!
- It's appalling!
- What?
This! Everything!
This aimless arrangement of stuff.
I mean, couldn't It at least be,
you know, artistically clustered?
Why Is It randomly dotted everywhere?
Where Is the abundance?
Oh, It's all aesthetics with you, Vicar.
It Is my church.
It Is not your church.
- It's God's house.
- I didn't mean It's my...
Yes, you did.
You want your own private Uttle kingdom.
- Well, you can't have It
- Oh, for God's sa...
- ...good, goodness" sake.
- Look!
I don't believe In God and I'm In here
doing this because I was asked to.
- Now, Kate darling, shush.
- If you don't believe In God,
- why are you here?
- Let's not go down that path.
No, no, no. No, let's Just have a discussion.
- Because I'm helping.
- If you don't know...
- Vicar! Vicar!
- (AL arguing)
Vicar! Vicar!
Oh, what have you got there, Rosle?
It's a sign from God!
It's a potato.
Ah, a potato!
Our "fresh”, I presume.
One single misshapen root vegetable.
No, It's a sign from God, look.
Ah! So It Is! Look at that.
- It's Jesus, Innit?
- Yes, It Is.
- Yes.
- Oh, well done, Rosle.
I didn't make It I dug It
Oh! Yes!
Yes, It Is Uke him.
Smaller, but yes.
And you know what, I dug It In a place
I hadn't even planted any taters.
- Ah!
- An Immaculate potato.
Yes, a sign from God.
It's my calling, Innlt, Vicar?
Margaret didn't believe me.
She don't want me to become a vicar.
- She wants to eat It
- May I have a look?
Yeah.
Oh, how amusing!
Shall we put It up here with the Pot Noodle
and...mlcrowave oven chips?
- Margaret sald you wouldn't believe me.
- Vlcar does believe you.
I'm sorry, but a few smudges of mud
do not an Icon make.
Soft words, please, Vicar.
You never know, It might be a sign.
- Yeah.
- I do not think God glves signs to...
To what?
To nutters? Is that what
you're saying, Vicar?
- God would not make a sign to a nutter?
= No, I didn't say that, no.
You can't say nutter.
You have to say a person...
- Yes, a person with...
- Such and such.
- Retarded?
- No, you can't say that
- Slow?
- No, sorry.
- Potty?
- No, none of those words.
Shh! Shut up, Margaret.
(Others arguing)
No, you're not allowed In church, Margaret.
You go away.
- You go away, Margaret
- If you want to say...
(Forcefully) Ha, ha, ha! Yes, I quite agree, Vicar.
I told her no one would believe her.
She's an utter fool
(Normal) No, I'm not. No, I'm not, Margaret.
Don't say that
(As Margaret) She Is an Idlot. A retard, a nutter.
(Normal) No, I'm not. I'm not.
(As Margaret) Glve me that potato!
(Normal) No, I won't
No, that Is my potato.
That Is my sign from God.
- That's my Jesus, that Is.
- Oh, dear!
Go after her, Kate.
I'L never catch her up.
- Oh, no, because I wouldn't know what to do.
- For heaven's sake!
- We need Sal
- Yes, we do. Go and get Sal
- You see what you've done, Vicar.
- Me?
That Is not Jesus. It's a potato!
It Is not Just a potato.
Oh, my God!
What's the matter?
Margaret came Into the church.
That's bad.
That's very bad.
Poor Rosle!
I'm absolutely fine.
No one has to walt with me.
I'm sure the helicopter will
spot me and honestly I'm...
- Freya!
- Yeah.
Can I use your mobile to call Daddy?
- I don't have any credit.
- Oh, God!
Well, will you tell him
that there's yesterday's lunch for supper?
And If he doesn't want that,
Just give It to the dogs.
- Al right?
- Shut up!
- It wasn't a calling so she was really upset
- But where Is Rosle now?
- We don't know cos she ran off.
- With the Jesus potato.
- Our only bit of fresh.
- But the point Is, Sal..
Margaret come Into the church.
Oh! You see, I don't think she's been
taking her medication properly.
There you are, you see?
They've been blaming me for everything.
- Why, what did you do?
- He sald our frog was an ape.
No, no. No, he told Rosle,
that he didn't think the potato with the Jesus
face on It on It was a sign from God.
Oh, great!
Because I bet that's what
Margaret's been telling her.
Oh, she's gonna be very frightened now.
Poor Rosle.
And because of what you sald,
Margaret Is even stronger
and that Is very dangerous.
We've got to find her.
I'm... No, sorry, this Is madness!
Margaret Is not a person.
A muddy potato does not make a calling.
I was Just belng honest.
Yes, but not sensitive,
and not kind.
Are you taking your medication?
- Well, well I...
- Oh, you stupid Idlot!
Because you can be a real grumpy old bastard
sometimes, you really can,
and now you have hurt someone very badly.
You better come with me.
We're gonna put this right. Come on.
- Can I be of any help?
- No, no, Queenle.
Oh, good. Then I'llL stay here and place packets.
- Can I help at all?
= No, no, but I...
- suppose you'll still come.
= Yes.
You were a bit sharp with the vicar, Sal
No, I haven't even started yet, Eileen.
And he sald she was slow.
1 did not say slow.
(As Margaret) Cut It up!
(Normal) No. No.
(As Margaret) You bloody silly Utkle shit!
Do you know what kind of an Idiot
you made me look Uke?
- Just cut It up!
- Stay here!
I'll stay here.
Stick that fork In yourself,
you sllly Uttle retard!
(Normal) No, no. I love my Jesus potato.
I love him.
(As Margaret) Well, the vicar thinks
you're an Idlot, you stupid Uttle retard!
It's not Jesus.
Vicar sald so, you bloody stupid Uttle shit!
Hello, Margaret.
What do you want?
Well, I think I want what you want.
- Well, what's that?
- To get rid of Rosle.
I mean she's becoming a complete paln.
A sniveling Uttle retard.
Yes, yes, yes, so...
It would be a good Idea
If I could speak to her,
to see If I can sort It all out.
WILL you tell her to do away with herself?
Yeah, OK, so, If I could Just
speak to her for a second.
Well, Just for a second.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Rosle?
- Yes?
Ooh, Sal, SaL
Margaret wants me to hurt myself.
= I didn't want to hurt myself.
- I know, I know, It's OK.
- (Sobs)
- Oh, no, you're all right now, darling.
- You're all right.
- (Walls)
Now, the vicar's here.
= No, no.
- Yes, no, no, no.
Listen to me. It's going to be all right.
Trust me. Trust me.
The vicar wants to speak to you.
Hello, Rosle.
- Rosle?
- Mm?
I believe I've made a mistake.
May I?
There.
Thank you.
Yes.
I think the face of Jesus
Is very clearly on this potato.
Even clearer.
And I, bless this potato...
In the name of the Father...
- (Thunder rumbles)
- ..Son...
and the Holy Spirit
Amen.
Oh!
Margaret's not happy about this.
- Tell her to go away.
- Yeah, I have.
So, Vicar, that Is a holy potato now.
(As Margaret) Don't be so ridiculous.
(Both) Oh, shut up, Margaret!
Yes, It Is...
now a holy potato.
Ooh!
So It was my sign from God?
Yes! I...
It was as much for me
as for you, I think.
Like a wake-up call
Possibly.
Rosle, I owe you an apology.
God gave me a sign
that I've been rather...ungenerous.
Oh!
Oh, Jesus Is crying.
- Oh, dear!
- Oh...
Bugger! Don't look much Uke
Jesus anymore, do It?
- No, It's got alopecia.
- Yeah!
It's a holy bald potato, Rosle.
Yeah. Well, never mind that
Cos I've still got...
this.
Oh!
The shroud?
Yeah! That Is Jesus' face, Innlt, Vicar?
- Mm...
- It's the Shroud of Clatterford.
I bless the holy Shroud...of Clatterford.
- In the name...
- In the name of the Father,
the Son,
and the Holy Ghost.
# Amen! #
Amen.
Well done, Rosle, my darling.
Let's get you home.
Thank you, Your Highness, thank you.
Come on, let's have a group hug.
Let's have a group hug, come on.
- Lovely Kate.
- A group hug!
- Well done!
- Really?
Yes, but...
But?
It could all have been avoided
If you'd done your job properly
In the flrst place.
Polnt taken.
But sometimes trying to be vicar round here
Is Uke plowing bloody concrete.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties... #
You still talking to God, Vicar?
- Yes, I am actually.
- Oh!
Cos I'm not talking to Margaret.
Good.
(Gasps)
The Holy Clatterford Shroud.
Bow.
Like that.
Oh!
(Tuts)
(Slurps Uke Hannibal Lecter)
(Slurps)
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely... #
Push It In. That's It
# God bless strawberry Jam
and all the different varieties #
Sorry. Sorry. Is this Gulld business?
Well, actually, no.
But, traditionally, yes.
You see, we have taken It upon ourselves
to be the deliverers to the poor
and the Infirm of the village.
- Tins?
- Pardon?
Tins and packets?
Well, there will be fresh,
but we don't want It going off.
Yes, but It's hardly
the bounty of the land, Is It?
Ah, but, we'll be making
the harvest frog agaln,
out of the appropriate frult.
Harvest man, Queenle.
It Just looked Uke a frog.
Don't worry, Vicar,
there'll be lots of fresh
and we"ll drag out the corn dollies
and the Gulld sheaf.
Fine.
But please, no tins on the altar.
Right? Thank you.
We'll give him a second.
(Clatter)
Come on, we can get In
through the vestry.
We want you to bring him In
quite quickly to this.
And because It's uphill,
you've gotta push him on now,
absolutely make sure
he can actually see It,
and push him on as you go over, all right?
Otherwise, I've got a feeling
he's gonna run out.
I cry out In the daytime,
and you do not answer!
0, most everlasting Father,
grant me the grace to hear your volce.
(Deep West Country accent)
What Is It you want, my son?
Who Is that?
It is I
I am with you, my son,
and with your spirit.
Who Is that, please?
Hallow-ed be my name.
Come out here, please.
Sorry, Vicar. (Laughs) Did you think
I was God there for a second?
No, I didn't, no. Not at all, no.
You having trouble hearing
his volce at the moment?
- Well..
- When you do hear his volce,
Is It Uke Inside your head
or through your ear holes?
No, It.. It comes to me.
Cos that's the question
on the questionnaire.
- Up at the psychlatricals.
- It's not quite the same thing.
Cos I'm the same as you, ain't I?
I get "em - voices.
Yeah, I got Margaret.
She's going on, on, on, on
at me sometimes.
Really?
You probably think, "That's mad,
that's a nutter.”
I wonder If people think that of you, Vicar.
"He's talking to God, he's a nutter.”
There's an element I should Imagine, yes.
Cos my son says that you can't tell
the difference these days
from those who's mad
and those who's Just on the hands-free.
- I've no Idea what you're talking about.
- That's why I Uke coming In here, see?
Cos they can't get to me In here,
don't hear 'em In here.
Margaret can't come In here.
No voices.
I come In here for a bit of peace.
- Peace?
- Yeah.
- Peace?
- Yeah.
Yes, shall we...shall we try that?
Peace! Peace!
Thank you. Peace.
- Grant us your...
- Grant us your peace, O Lord.
God Is the author of peace
and the lover of concord.
Correct! Good!
It's gone now. Oh!
- What?
- Concord.
You think God's sad?
Look, can we Just have silence?
- Silence, yes.
- Silence, all right?
Yes.
Silence now, please.
(Shouts) Silence, please!
Silence In the court!
(Whispers) Silence, silence...
Shh! Silence.
Can you hear his volce now, Vicar?
No? Do you want me to try?
Cos he could Just be busy. Call back later.
- All right.
- Yeah.
I don't hear the voices If I've taken my plils.
Right.
How do you get to be a vicar, Vicar?
I was thinking If I was a vicar,
I could spend more time In the church,
then Margaret wouldn't bother me.
Do you have to be special or anything?
Well, I-1 wouldn't say special exactly.
It's more...
Mm, Just ke your powers you've got,
lke you're turning water Into holy water,
and you're blessing things and stuff,
Uke turning fish Into bread and stuff.
Were you born with those powers?
Or did you have to take Uke an exam,
you know, and get a cerfatlcafucklt?
- From the head of the church?
- No, It's quite complicated.
Is It? Is It?
So, could I be a vicar then? Could I?
Well, no, you have to have
what's called, erm, "a calling.”
A calling? Do you?
Yeah, the decision Is thrust
upon you by a higher power.
You have a sign from God.
- Do you?
- Yes.
Do you?!
- Ngh'tI
Right. Well, Il look out for that, then.
- Yes, do.
- Yes.
Shh! Now, silence, please.
Silence.
(Eileen) Rosle!
Oh, I hope she's not bothering you, Vicar.
- I am trying to pray!
- We are trying to pray!
I've got to dash.
- I'm lollypopping.
- Al right, Queenle.
Now, Rosle. Let's try and make you useful
Vlcar here wants some fresh
for the church harvest festival tomorrow,
and this could be your job.
- Al right!
- Just go down the plot,
and see what you can find for him.
I don't know If I've planted
any fresh on the plot.
Thank you.
(Eileen) Go on, go on.
No, no, no, no, take that.
Right, now, let's Just try
plunging It Into the arm,
Just to get the sensation.
You don't have to aim
for the velns or anything, Just...
Just go on, off you go.
Right, here goes.
Did I hit It yet?
No, look, open your eyes, luvvie,
open your eyes.
Sorry, It's not the needle
that's my problem,
It's Just with the blood.
Did I draw any blood that time?
No, no, because you're not hitting a veln.
No, no, no, no.
Stop stabbing, stop.
Just tell me your symptoms
and I'll prescribe you something
and then we don't need to go
bothering the doctor.
Hey, you say It's urgent
and I'm telling you I don't have
a free slot till next Wednesday.
So, maybe now you see
the wisdom of my words.
Is It your varicose velns?
Because I was behind you
In the spa the other day
and It looked Uke you were
smuggling walnuts In your tights.
Well, I'll leave that with you, then.
Oh! How have you ever coped?
Well, I've done mainly lab work.
- Mice?
- No, Just test tubes.
_ - Ah!
(Tlp) We're closed!
HI, Vicar. Something the matter?
- Is the doctor In?
- Oh, no, sorry.
- I need my prescription.
- Beta-blockers, Isn't It?
Mm.
- Well, you are all right?
- Yes, flne, Just...
- Frayed nerves, you know.
- Yeah.
Can you...
Yeah, yeah, leave It with me.
Repeat prescription for the vicar.
(Sal talking In the background)
Oh, and that reminds me,
we need to keep an eye on Rosle.
Rosle?
Lovely Rosle? Little?
Couldn't knock her off a ball
Oh, the, emm...
Yeah, I think, the C.P.N. looks after her.
No, we need to keep an eye on her
because sometimes she loses her medication.
How lucky we are In this modem world
to have the luxury of medicine.
A pllL for everything.
- Yes.
- Jesus, on the other hand,
bore his agony,
his cross with nothing but falth and love
to ease his burden.
= Your point?
= No point.
Plus help us bear our sins more easily.
I trust this Is some kind of humor.
What else would you expect
from someone raised by nuns
In a cold convent In southern Ireland?
- It must have been dreadful
- No, It was lovely.
I won't have a word sald against them.
But, that won't win you
the Booker prize, will it?
See ya.
See ya!
HI! Collecting for the harvest festival
Anything past or near Its sell-by date
In tin or packet form.
Yeah, that'll be, Uke, everything.
Oh, er, no, cos I think
Jim sald he'd leave things aside.
Lovely! Thank you!
- Can you do the questionnaire?
- Oh!
Yes.
Er... "Is there anything
In the shop you haven't seen
"or would Uke to see?”
Oh! Emn...
Oh, now, what I have seen?
Em...
Oh, do I, do I Just have to remember or...
can I go around agaln?
Shall I Just go round...?
I'll Just go round agaln.
So I've seen nuts, erm...
Well, I'd Uke to see that Emm...
As a Gulld member,
will you be participating
In the desecration of the church
for the harvest festival tomorrow?
- Have you seen any traffic?
- No, I haven't, sorry.
Harvest? I mean, last year It was as If
a small branch of Mace had exploded
and cast Its entire contents
to the four comers.
Tomorrow? No, no, because Tlp and I are dolng
first ald at the pony club cross country.
You ought to come. It's hilarious.
No, I have a christening of some Infant.
Ah, now, that Is Elaine and Jay's Lttle one.
= You be nice.
- All right.
- See ya.
- See ya. Where are you going now?
To the church.
It's the polinty building behind the pub.
(Man on PA) Anyone wishing to proceed
to the start should now do so.
Cos at the moment, we haven't got
anybody down there at all
(PA) Excessive use of the whip
Is not permitted,
You will be disqualified.
That goes for all the girls,
and the boy.
Can I have your attention, please?
We seem to have a sheep
standing In front of jump number 2
Can somebody run along and remove It,
please? Thank you.
1 have just been Informed
that hot dogs are now available.
No.
Dear Lord!
Grant me that I should...
- (Feedback whistling)
- Sorry about that,
but just to say hot beverages
are available from the, er...
- Stall?
- Tent?
- Er; the...
- Facility?
- The, er, Uttle, er..
- Oh!
- ..person selling the coffee.
Now, darling, you know that I can't be there
at the start, all right?
But I want you to make sure
that you get him going properly.
I'll be up fence-Judging with Susle,
because you know he can do this course.
You know that, don't you?
Mm? I mean, the problem Is, we Just don't have
the time to get them going.
I was Just thinking,
In a couple of years' time, In your gap year,
erm, we could spend that time usefully,
really getting these horses going.
- I don't want a gap year.
- We have just found a cheap Reece.
Anybody that's lost one, come and see us.
Oh, I'm Uking this.
It's Uke belng at the beach.
Yeah, without the beach,
the sun, the sand and the fun.
(Laughs) Shut up!
The pony stood on her foot.
(Sighs)
Oh!
That looks all right.
I tell you what.
Slp her sock off and stick It In the stream.
Not the sock, the foot!
Bananas, yes.
Yes, I think so and...
Are they the arms?
- Limbs!
- Limbs.
So, Is this us now?
Are we all we are to be?
Any more guests expected?
= No, no.
- Right.
- Don't mind me, Vicar.
I Just want to put these out.
What are they?
They're miniature
flower arrangements In thimbles.
From our last meeting.
It seems such a shame...
for them not to be seen.
Right.
Shall we proceed to the font?
To the thing that looks Uke...
da bird bath.
Does It have to be a man?
- Well, I think so.
- Ooh!
It's Just I've got
these lovely big melons.
(Sniggering)
Right.
Is that holy water, then?
Yes It Is, yes.
Does It come holy or do you make
It holy somehow?
(Giggling)
It Is consecrated.
It Is blessed by the priest with solemn prayer.
(Giggling)
I make It holy.
Child's name.
- Kelra.
- I beg your pardon.
- Kelra!
- After somebody?
- We Just Uke It
- Aln't that lovely, Vicar?
What was that dreadful name
we had the other week?
Bonce or something?
Beyoncé, that was.
- I think that's lovely too.
- Right.
I'L Just top up my thimbles.
(Baby grizzles)
Right.
Thank you.
Right.
Now, Kla-ora.
It Is!
Oh, It really Is!
No, Margaret, go away.
You are not having It, Margaret.
There, there.
I am not a fool, Margaret.
I am not a fool!
And other sheep I have,
which are not of this fold:
them also I bring,
and they shall hear my volce.
(Man on PA) Ladles can now
use the gents', as theirs Is full
And there shall be one fold,
and one shepherd.
Let us pray.
With the Lord's Prayer.
Do you know It?
It's the one from school.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Right, good.
Carry on.
- Once...
- No, not Once In Royal..
(AIL) Our Father,
which art In heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
- (Caroline) I was In London this week.
- Yeah.
- It's 392,
- 392, yeah.
I can't believe the size of the vehicles
people drive In town, for God's sake.
- Chelsea tractors.
- Yes.
You know, great blg four-wheelers
all driven by one sllly lttle blonde woman
as far as I could make out.
- Was that 9? Clear.
- Yeah.
- There's no more room Inslide.
- No, there's less.
- Less room Inside.
- They say they're safer.
Well, only from other people
In huge four-wheelers, as far as I can see.
In Italy, everyone Is happy to drive around
In Flats and Uttle Peugeots.
Yeah, well, you see, you can
park them anywhere. Ooh, go on!
Kick him on! Kick him on!
- What, 127
Now they say they're going
to tax the blg people
In the Porsche Cayennes now,
and they'll be happy about It
Well, It makes them feel even richer.
Oh, Is that Joey Larson?
No, that's William, 557.
- Clear.
Of course, I have got the Discovery.
Yes, but you need It
- Is that a 4x4?
= Yes.
Sure?
I think you've got differential, haven't you?
- Is that on the steering wheel?
- No, on the gear stick.
Oh, that's what that knob ls.
- (PA) There Is a Jack Russell at Fence 5.
- (Horse neighs)
- What's happening?
- He won't do anything!
That's because you're not making him do It
You've got to be boss,
don't you understand?
- He's too fat!
- He's not too fat.
And whose fault Is It If he's so fat?
You're supposed to be exercising him.
He's your pony!
Al right, give him to me.
- I'm here If you need me.
- I'll get him over the Jump.
Honestly, you're absolutely hopeless.
- Did you even warm him up?
- Yes.
- Hmm?
- Oh!
Uphll, so I can get on him.
Shouldn't you have a back protector?
Look, no, he's completely cold,
he's completely cold.
Oh, my God!
It's not a harvest ape.
It's a harvest frog.
It's a harvest man.
Sorry, may I Just ask?
When was a cucumber an appropriate frult?
It's representational
Well, It's hideous and I won't have It
- You willL
- And look...
Look at these childish daublngs and graffiti,
Blu-tacked to the altar.
These were done by the children I teach.
Teach? (Scoffs) Not on this evidence.
"God Is In da house"? Ha!
- It's appalling!
- What?
This! Everything!
This aimless arrangement of stuff.
I mean, couldn't It at least be,
you know, artistically clustered?
Why Is It randomly dotted everywhere?
Where Is the abundance?
Oh, It's all aesthetics with you, Vicar.
It Is my church.
It Is not your church.
- It's God's house.
- I didn't mean It's my...
Yes, you did.
You want your own private Uttle kingdom.
- Well, you can't have It
- Oh, for God's sa...
- ...good, goodness" sake.
- Look!
I don't believe In God and I'm In here
doing this because I was asked to.
- Now, Kate darling, shush.
- If you don't believe In God,
- why are you here?
- Let's not go down that path.
No, no, no. No, let's Just have a discussion.
- Because I'm helping.
- If you don't know...
- Vicar! Vicar!
- (AL arguing)
Vicar! Vicar!
Oh, what have you got there, Rosle?
It's a sign from God!
It's a potato.
Ah, a potato!
Our "fresh”, I presume.
One single misshapen root vegetable.
No, It's a sign from God, look.
Ah! So It Is! Look at that.
- It's Jesus, Innit?
- Yes, It Is.
- Yes.
- Oh, well done, Rosle.
I didn't make It I dug It
Oh! Yes!
Yes, It Is Uke him.
Smaller, but yes.
And you know what, I dug It In a place
I hadn't even planted any taters.
- Ah!
- An Immaculate potato.
Yes, a sign from God.
It's my calling, Innlt, Vicar?
Margaret didn't believe me.
She don't want me to become a vicar.
- She wants to eat It
- May I have a look?
Yeah.
Oh, how amusing!
Shall we put It up here with the Pot Noodle
and...mlcrowave oven chips?
- Margaret sald you wouldn't believe me.
- Vlcar does believe you.
I'm sorry, but a few smudges of mud
do not an Icon make.
Soft words, please, Vicar.
You never know, It might be a sign.
- Yeah.
- I do not think God glves signs to...
To what?
To nutters? Is that what
you're saying, Vicar?
- God would not make a sign to a nutter?
= No, I didn't say that, no.
You can't say nutter.
You have to say a person...
- Yes, a person with...
- Such and such.
- Retarded?
- No, you can't say that
- Slow?
- No, sorry.
- Potty?
- No, none of those words.
Shh! Shut up, Margaret.
(Others arguing)
No, you're not allowed In church, Margaret.
You go away.
- You go away, Margaret
- If you want to say...
(Forcefully) Ha, ha, ha! Yes, I quite agree, Vicar.
I told her no one would believe her.
She's an utter fool
(Normal) No, I'm not. No, I'm not, Margaret.
Don't say that
(As Margaret) She Is an Idlot. A retard, a nutter.
(Normal) No, I'm not. I'm not.
(As Margaret) Glve me that potato!
(Normal) No, I won't
No, that Is my potato.
That Is my sign from God.
- That's my Jesus, that Is.
- Oh, dear!
Go after her, Kate.
I'L never catch her up.
- Oh, no, because I wouldn't know what to do.
- For heaven's sake!
- We need Sal
- Yes, we do. Go and get Sal
- You see what you've done, Vicar.
- Me?
That Is not Jesus. It's a potato!
It Is not Just a potato.
Oh, my God!
What's the matter?
Margaret came Into the church.
That's bad.
That's very bad.
Poor Rosle!
I'm absolutely fine.
No one has to walt with me.
I'm sure the helicopter will
spot me and honestly I'm...
- Freya!
- Yeah.
Can I use your mobile to call Daddy?
- I don't have any credit.
- Oh, God!
Well, will you tell him
that there's yesterday's lunch for supper?
And If he doesn't want that,
Just give It to the dogs.
- Al right?
- Shut up!
- It wasn't a calling so she was really upset
- But where Is Rosle now?
- We don't know cos she ran off.
- With the Jesus potato.
- Our only bit of fresh.
- But the point Is, Sal..
Margaret come Into the church.
Oh! You see, I don't think she's been
taking her medication properly.
There you are, you see?
They've been blaming me for everything.
- Why, what did you do?
- He sald our frog was an ape.
No, no. No, he told Rosle,
that he didn't think the potato with the Jesus
face on It on It was a sign from God.
Oh, great!
Because I bet that's what
Margaret's been telling her.
Oh, she's gonna be very frightened now.
Poor Rosle.
And because of what you sald,
Margaret Is even stronger
and that Is very dangerous.
We've got to find her.
I'm... No, sorry, this Is madness!
Margaret Is not a person.
A muddy potato does not make a calling.
I was Just belng honest.
Yes, but not sensitive,
and not kind.
Are you taking your medication?
- Well, well I...
- Oh, you stupid Idlot!
Because you can be a real grumpy old bastard
sometimes, you really can,
and now you have hurt someone very badly.
You better come with me.
We're gonna put this right. Come on.
- Can I be of any help?
- No, no, Queenle.
Oh, good. Then I'llL stay here and place packets.
- Can I help at all?
= No, no, but I...
- suppose you'll still come.
= Yes.
You were a bit sharp with the vicar, Sal
No, I haven't even started yet, Eileen.
And he sald she was slow.
1 did not say slow.
(As Margaret) Cut It up!
(Normal) No. No.
(As Margaret) You bloody silly Utkle shit!
Do you know what kind of an Idiot
you made me look Uke?
- Just cut It up!
- Stay here!
I'll stay here.
Stick that fork In yourself,
you sllly Uttle retard!
(Normal) No, no. I love my Jesus potato.
I love him.
(As Margaret) Well, the vicar thinks
you're an Idlot, you stupid Uttle retard!
It's not Jesus.
Vicar sald so, you bloody stupid Uttle shit!
Hello, Margaret.
What do you want?
Well, I think I want what you want.
- Well, what's that?
- To get rid of Rosle.
I mean she's becoming a complete paln.
A sniveling Uttle retard.
Yes, yes, yes, so...
It would be a good Idea
If I could speak to her,
to see If I can sort It all out.
WILL you tell her to do away with herself?
Yeah, OK, so, If I could Just
speak to her for a second.
Well, Just for a second.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Rosle?
- Yes?
Ooh, Sal, SaL
Margaret wants me to hurt myself.
= I didn't want to hurt myself.
- I know, I know, It's OK.
- (Sobs)
- Oh, no, you're all right now, darling.
- You're all right.
- (Walls)
Now, the vicar's here.
= No, no.
- Yes, no, no, no.
Listen to me. It's going to be all right.
Trust me. Trust me.
The vicar wants to speak to you.
Hello, Rosle.
- Rosle?
- Mm?
I believe I've made a mistake.
May I?
There.
Thank you.
Yes.
I think the face of Jesus
Is very clearly on this potato.
Even clearer.
And I, bless this potato...
In the name of the Father...
- (Thunder rumbles)
- ..Son...
and the Holy Spirit
Amen.
Oh!
Margaret's not happy about this.
- Tell her to go away.
- Yeah, I have.
So, Vicar, that Is a holy potato now.
(As Margaret) Don't be so ridiculous.
(Both) Oh, shut up, Margaret!
Yes, It Is...
now a holy potato.
Ooh!
So It was my sign from God?
Yes! I...
It was as much for me
as for you, I think.
Like a wake-up call
Possibly.
Rosle, I owe you an apology.
God gave me a sign
that I've been rather...ungenerous.
Oh!
Oh, Jesus Is crying.
- Oh, dear!
- Oh...
Bugger! Don't look much Uke
Jesus anymore, do It?
- No, It's got alopecia.
- Yeah!
It's a holy bald potato, Rosle.
Yeah. Well, never mind that
Cos I've still got...
this.
Oh!
The shroud?
Yeah! That Is Jesus' face, Innlt, Vicar?
- Mm...
- It's the Shroud of Clatterford.
I bless the holy Shroud...of Clatterford.
- In the name...
- In the name of the Father,
the Son,
and the Holy Ghost.
# Amen! #
Amen.
Well done, Rosle, my darling.
Let's get you home.
Thank you, Your Highness, thank you.
Come on, let's have a group hug.
Let's have a group hug, come on.
- Lovely Kate.
- A group hug!
- Well done!
- Really?
Yes, but...
But?
It could all have been avoided
If you'd done your job properly
In the flrst place.
Polnt taken.
But sometimes trying to be vicar round here
Is Uke plowing bloody concrete.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties... #
You still talking to God, Vicar?
- Yes, I am actually.
- Oh!
Cos I'm not talking to Margaret.
Good.
(Gasps)
The Holy Clatterford Shroud.
Bow.
Like that.
Oh!
(Tuts)
(Slurps Uke Hannibal Lecter)
(Slurps)