Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

# We are the Village Green
Preservation Society

# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety

# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society

# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties #

What's going on?

I'm so sorry. The seat's got stuck
In the forward position.

Al right, let's see If we can get
you out of there.

In the forward position.

(Eileen) I've got some pipe cleaners.
(Caroline) Pipe cleaners!

I love pipe cleaners. Something rather nostalgic
about pipe cleaners, don't you think?

- (Susie) Like being back at school
- Yes.



I wonder If they really Is for
actually cleaning pipes?

Course they were.
That's why they were called pipe cleaners.

Oh!

Pipe cleaners,
the clue's In the name.

Yes, but It's Interesting, Queenle, because
they don't use them for that anymore.

That's because we don't smoke pipes anymore.

But things that are called descriptions of
what they used to be,

but they don't mean now,

well, now that's a very fascinating talk.

Very fascinating.

- (Eileen) AL right, Sal?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I Just thought Tip might be coming down.

- Oh, she's not hot on craft.
- No, but we do miss her chatter.

She's probably busy.
I think they're weighing the babies.



- (AL) Ahh.
- Hey, come and have a go at something.

- What Is that?
- Macramé. The art of the knot. Have a go.

- Ooh, no, no, no, I'm not artistic.
- Oh, you don't have to be.

It's the doing it that matters, Sal, with craft.

- (Rosie) Pritt Stick!
- The maintenance of traditional skills.

The blg wheel's very hot on that.

And the last thing we do
Is we bring them In here.

I Just don't understand why.

They're a lot more accurate than
the ones In the surgery.

Oh, yeah, ten first-class stamps,
my dry-cleaning...

ooh, and the baby,
pop him up there on the scales.

Great, did you get that?

- (Yasmin gasps)
- Rabbits, we're having a cull

Actually, I'U let you have them
for a couple of Jiffy bags,

a permanent marker,
and a blind eye on me car tax.

You've got to wash your hands
before you go back to the surgery.

Oh, relax, they're dead.

- Have you got any hobbles, Sal?
- No, no, not really.

- Never had the time.
- This all seems a bit Uke...

- Occupational therapy.
- Well, yes, yes.

And I could never sort out whether that was
to maintain braln function or to dull It down.

Well, look at me. There's your answer.

I mean, until I gave It a go,
I thought all this was a bit of nonsense.

But then you look and you think, "ahh".

I mean, look.

This Isn't Just a rubbish box,

this Is something someone's
bothered to make, and that's lovely, I think.

Yeah, that Is.

That Is... It's lovely, Rosle.

- Yeah, cheers, cheers.
- What are you gonna keep In It, do you think?

Hundreds of condoms.

- Yeah.
- Lovely.

- (Car horn)
- Sorry, mate.

I'm so sorry.

(Car horn)

- Where were you last weekend?
- Oh, Clifton.

= You know Clifton, the hotel?
- Oh, yes.

A friend of Mikey's, who's In a band -

I was about to say the Murder Dolls, I don't
mean the Murder Dolls, I mean the Killers -

erm, got married. It was lovely, oh, lovely.

Courtney Love was there,
not drinking, which was a mercy.

Tracey Emin, of course,
who Is a mystery to me.

We spent a lovely evening out on the terrace,
you know, all wonderful untll, of course...

- Sting played the lute?
- No. Trudy read a poem.

1'm bored with beads and shells.

- Well, do you want some teasels?
- No!

- Can we watch the video?
- (ALL) Ooh, yes!

- What a good Idea.
- Fishmeal And Boogie-Boarding At Bude.

(Excited chatter)

Curtains.

Right...

Use your finger!

(Laughing)

- We're here!
- (Shrieking and laughter)

Oh, my God!

- (Susle) Now this Is walking down.
- (Chatter and laughter)

- (Chatter)
- Oh, they're good.

- (Susle) This Is It
- (ALI whoop)

It's very flattering, Isn't It, the wet sult?

I look much slimmer In It

(Whooping and laughter)

Think I can tell I'm gonna be
quite good at this.

(Chatter)

(Shrieking and laughter)

Now that Is Just depressing.

(Laughter and chatter continue)

- (Laughter)
- (Tip) Look at Delilah.

(ALL) Ooh!

(Chatter)

- (Tip) Fish and chips.
- Fish and chips.

(Tip) Speech!

- (Laughter)
- I'd Just Uke to say...

- (Graham Norton) Welcome...
- (All) Oh!

Tash!

- I was stilL..
- Tash!

(Tash) What?

- You've taped over the video!
- (Tash) It was on a timer.

- Oh, It doesn't really matter.
- It does matter!

People are waiting to come Into
the bathroom.

(Eileen) What a day It was.
That was one for the annals, wasn't It?

One of the best days I've ever had.

Well, no one can say
that we are not adventurous.

Very adventurous.
What was It, haddock, Eileen?

Er, plaice, I think, Sal

Sorry, sorry, I've Just gotta go out.

- I'm so sorry.
- (Hom toots)

Don't worry, dear, soon get you free.

- (Hom beeps)
- It's always happening.

I had Jammed It with an old shoe, but... Oh!

Ah! There we are.

(Phone)

Who, sorry? Mary?

- (Tlp) Webb. Mary Webb, Is It?
- I don't know.

- Take a seat, thank you.
- Well, ask her.

Webb? Yeah.

- Smear.
- Pardon?

- Tell her she's booked In.
- Yes, you're booked In for a checkup.

Yes, a...whatslt checkup.

Smear!

Sm... Smear. Thank you.

- With you, Is It?
- What?

- Say the word.
= lcant

- (Phone)
- How can you do It If you can't even say It?

Do It? No, no, no. James...

Oh, no, no. You are the nurse. You do them.

Er, will you...wlll you take over
the phones, please? It's Just people are waiting.

The secret Is to Ignore them completely
when they come In,

be totally Involved In something else.

That way they don't dare say anything
until you look up at them.

- Why?
- Time-honored code.

Ow.

(Woman coughing)

(Mp humming)

(Continues humming)

Actually, I'l deal with these.

You make a start on Mr. Whiddon's
ear blockage, would you? Tackle that.

- Mr. Whiddon, you can go through now.
- (Door opens)

Oh, hiya!

Is It over, then, the meeting?

- No, no, I've escaped.
- Oh, that bad?

Ooh, It's Uke a toddlers group.
I'm In need of adult company.

- Are you coming down?
- I can't, I'm busy.

- I'm Ignoring the vicar.
- Oh. (Chuckles)

- Hlya.
- Oh, hl. How are you?

- Good. Look at my wrist, It's all..
- Ooh.

Oh, no, I can't. I can't. I'm not the nurse
anymore. You'll have to ask Yasmin.

Well, we're afraid to ask her anything
In case we upset her.

- (Retches)
- God, It can't be that bad.

- It's Just the halr.
- It's Just old ears, love.

No, It's full of...stuff.

Oh, glve It here.

Oh, my God.

Jim! Ha!

It's a wonder you can hear anything.

(Laughs) Jim.

Jim?

(Tip) Vicar!

- Are you here for the doctor?
- Yes.

- What Is It? What's the problem?
- I want to see the doctor.

Look, we're very busy
and we don't want time wasters.

Is It a recurrence of the fistula?
Because I have your notes here.

I... The doctor, please.

Right.

Doctor! James!

- Jimmy boy! Jim Bob!
- No, no, no!

Do you understand me?
You buzz me and you call me Doctor.

Hello, love.

- Are you IUI?
- What?

Are you U7 Because If you're not,
you shouldn't be In the surgery.

- I'm IWL
- I'm trying to get some sense of order

- In this place.
- I'm sorry, love.

I Just wanted to check you'd got the photograph
of your dad that I brought over.

Yes.

Why did God take him from us, Vicar?

One can only Imagine.

Vicar, I'm so somry. I'll be with you In a moment.

I'm not IIL..

No, no, no, I am Il for the purposes
of belng here, If you get my gist.

Yes, well, why don't you come through
for your...

routine checkup?

Good heavens. High blood pressure, all right?

See you, love.
Don't forget, I'm dolng nothing at the moment.

- What's that smell?
- Rabbits.

- Rabbits.
- Yeah, I bring them In for the patients.

They love them. Really Ufts thelr spirits.

- So now we're a petting zoo as well?
- No.

They're dead.

It Is really Interesting, though,
because I am lke poised.

I could go In many directions.

- What are you doing?
- What aren't I doing?

1 did Uke work at the recycling,
although that's closed now.

Josh says that lke If he ever sets up another
one, I would have like definite Job there.

That's Uke the place where they
take something and smash It up

and make It back to what It was, Innit?

Why don't they Just leave It Uke what It was
and then wash It and fllL up?

(Chuckling)

- That Is a very Interesting and valld point
- Is I¥?

Yeah, because sometimes the energy that It
takes to do something good Is more...

No. Emm, the energy that It takes

to do something good Is bad,

because It Is more
than what It takes, erm, to do nothing.

So It's best to do nothing, then?

D... It's complicated.

- Anyone caking?
- (AL) Yes, please.

Read out those Gulld reports, Queenle.
See what they've been up to.

"Ramsholt Gulld report. We have enjoyed
another busy and Interesting year..."

- Where's this?
- Ramsholt.

- Oh, my God.
- "With a varied program

"of speakers, demonstrations,
social events, and extra activities.”

- Well, that's shagging, that Is.
- Stop It, Rosle.

Yeah.

(ALL) Ohh,

- WIU Tlp make It?
- She's gonna try.

No, thanks.

What I wanna do Is wind farm generator monitor
with circus skills.

- Oh, so you're looking for a Job, then?
- Well, yeah, yeah, but...

There's plenty of jobs up at the cheese factory.
Are you Interested In cheese at all?

- Well, I, you know...
- Cos there's lot of vacancies

Uke In processing, vacuum-packing, labeling.

- I think It must be fascinating.
- It Is, yeah.

You gonna stay here
or are you gonna get another van?

I think that once the mobile Ubrary Is
off the road due to government cuts,

- I think they're gonna offer us that.
- Oh, that's very spacious.

- Would you keep all the shelves or...?
- Don't know.

- Cos I could have 'em.
- I shall miss the Ubrary.

We're going dogging later, If you fancy It

- Pardon?
- Dogging, with the gang.

- Pardon?
- Dogging.

I don't think you mean dogging.

Yes, when we take all the dogs
down to the river and let them swim.

That's not dogging.

Isn't It? What Is dogging?

It's group sex with strangers
at unknown locations, under cover of darkness.

I think.

Oh.

- With strangers?
- Well, so I believe.

- I think that's the kick.
- Hmm.

- I think I prefer my kind of dogging.
- Mm, mm. Oh, yes.

I mean, It's Just a Uttle phrase that John and I
made up when we were cottaging In Norfolk.

- Oh!
- What?

- Woman In Stackleton killed with Magimix.
= How?

- Beaten over the head with It by her husband.
- Oh, dear!

I wonder what happens to stuff
after police have finished with It

- Why?
- Cos I need a new Magimix.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

What Is a Magimix?

Rosle, I believe that you're due
to do the talk today.

= Yeah.
- Well, have you prepared anything?

- Yeah.
- What Is It?

- House of Marbles.
- Agaln?

Yeah.

- Mum?
- Yes.

Where's Raph?

He's at school

God! It's Uke I never get to see him.

Well, why don't you get up earlier?

Look, the government want us
to be more responsible.

How am I ever supposed to get
any quality time with him

when It always has to be by thelr schedule?

Cos the government get to tell
me exactly what to do

and then they get to tell me off
when I, you know...when It doesn't work.

Now, Tash, please,
Just change the bloody record.

Ahhh,

And will you hang these up, please? Don't Just
dump them on the floor Uke you normally do.

I do actually lve here, you know.

Tash, I spend all my day
trying to make this place nice.

Why? You never used to bother.

Because, Tash,

1 am In It now all bloody day.

- And so am I!
- And do you know something?

I wish you bloody weren't.

Right, call the meeting to order, ladles.

Done craft, please.

Oh, but we haven't got
Tip and Pauline and Delilah.

Just st down, leave them to IL

Oh, she's lovely, Isn't she?
She's your baby, Isn't she?

No, she's not a baby, Rosle.
She Just acts Uke one.

Rosle, put her down, put her down.

Just go and get dressed.

Rosle, darling, come on now,
give us this talk, please.

She's a bit upset there. She's a bit upset.

Rosle, It's all right, my darling.
You Just start the talk and then we'll go on.

- Yeah, right.
- Just calm down, everybody.

Today's talk Is House of Marbles.

Oh, Christ!

At House of Marbles and Telgn Valley Glass,

we have been manufacturing our unusual range
of games, toys, marbles, and glassware

for many years.

There's free admission and parking...

- You two go up and sort those cars out!
- (Homs beeping)

- You boys come down here with me.
- Thank you!

(Car homn blares)

- We're missing a patient
- I'm sorry I'm late, terrible traffic.

We're very busy here today,
what Is It that you're here for?

Mary Webb, smear.

WU you hold on, please?

S-S--Smear.

- Come on, love, you've got to...
- Please. No, I... Please.

- OK, I'L do It
- But you have others to see.

Sorry, It's Just that word.

WIU you take a seat?
The doctor will see you In a moment.

- Oh, how are you?
- You didn't come to the meeting.

I know, surgery was chaos, terrible traffic.

Well, why doesn't he call me If he's busy?
I'm here.

I'm here In the house with Tash
who ls driving me mad.

- You're far too soft a touch.
- I know, I know.

Well, Just get me a Job, will you,
and get me out of the house at least?

I'm working on that.
So let me ask you something.

It was Joyce Midge that was James's
old headmistress, wasn't It?

Joyce Midge, yeah, yeah.
He was terrified of her. Why?

- Oh.
- More anon.

Joyce Midge!

(Tim Wonnacott on TV) ..the days In agriculture
before they had balers,

before they had those machines
which made hay Into bales...

- We need to talk.
- Oh?

Yeah, sit up.

- I am so disappointed In you.
- Here we go.

What are you going to do with the rest
of your Ufe? You need to have a purpose.

You know, I have got a plan, OK.

It's Just Uke, you know, In my time,
lke to my schedule?

Anyway, what...what's your purpose?

All you do at the moment Is Uke, you know,
hang and talk with those women.

Don't you tum this on me. Don't.

You are too old, Tash, to still be drifting.

Your gap year has tumed Into a gap Ufe.

Right, yeah, I think that Is a bit harsh, but, right,

I have lke applied to Dartington

for the crcus skills course,
which I am almost guaranteed a place on.

Look, Tash, It Is too late to start a course.

You need a Job, you need to do something,
you need to make money.

Yes, walt, because you do make money,

because It's Uke four years
and you do flve skills Including tightrope.

- You're too old.
- I'm not spending any money cos I'm here,

and then I buy a yurt
and I go round the festivals...

No, no, no, no, you need to have money.

- And I make money.
- Who's going to pay money

to watch you falling off a washing Une?

Oh, right. Oh, thanks.

Thanks very much for the confidence boost.

Anyway, I was only gonna do that

If I didn't get the wind farm generator monitor

- or the belly dancer.
- God, stop!

Just stop It! Stop It!

Just get real, Tash!

You are going to end up Uke some of these
bloody old hippies around here

going nowhere, no future,
trying to make a lving out of bending willow.

- You're pathetic!
- You sound Just Uke Dad!

Good. Good! Because he loved you!

Oh, yes?

If he loved me, why did he throw me out?

- He didn't
- He did!

He did It because he thought It might Just be
the kick up the arse you needed,

but you landed on your arse
and you stayed there.

Tash, I cannot always support you.
1 do not have a Job.

You can't always Uve here.

Well, you know, that's all very well

But I'm only Uving with you, Mum,

Cos I can't buy a house, can I,
because all the bastard London...

No! You can't buy a house
because you haven't got any money.

Now, you need a Job, right?

It Is nothing to do with house prices!

You get a mortgage
and you get on the property ladder.

So... have to sell out
50 that you can Uve here on your own.

I've got two words for you, Mum -
property and theft.

My God, you can be one selfish little cow
sometimes, Tash.

- (Phone)
- Oh, you...you stay here.

Yes!

Oh, sorry, hl, hl.

Oh, great, great. Yeah, yeah.

What time? Bye.

In case, you hadn't noticed,
Rufus has actually Just left me,

so I am actually Just going through
a major heartbreak.

And I am not?!

- Get out! Get out!
- I'm going!

- Thanks for believing In me!
- Get out!

(Dogs barking)

Al right, Tash?

You got nothing to say to me, then?

- Blood on your hands.
- That's better.

Hey, found a stray.

Raph.

He was looking at the hound puppies.

- You all right?
- Go away.

- Morning, Sal
- HI, Ben. How's It going?

- Yeah, very good, thank you.
- Rumble OK?

Yeah, he's fine, thanks.

(Yasmin) Yes, ten o'clock on Thursday.

Yeah. Thank you.

- HL.
- Hello.

I Just brought James this better photograph
of his dad.

- Ah,
- OK, don't look now.

Behind you at two o'clock.

No, that's my two o'clock. Don't look.

Erm, your half seven...erm...

Oh, Just tum around and look.

- Mum.
- HI.

She Just brought a better photo of your dad.

- (Phone)
- Good Lord!

It's the only one I could flnd
where he wasn't smoking.

Thank you. So everything going smoothly?

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

You see? Next patient, please.

- Joyce Midge!
- Oh. Right.

(Yasmin) Thank you. Thank you.

Smear.

(Phone)

Hello, doctor's surgery.

Right, er, so, when, w-when was your last...

I do remember you, you know.

- Oh.
- You can st down.

Th...Thank you. Er, so...

I was called In to your office.
You have to speak to me.

Er, yes. (Clears throat)

Er, yes, so, er..w..when...

Last smear, er, two years ago.
Your mother did me.

- Right.
- Don't be nervous.

You probably had a crush on me at school,
did you? Something silly.

No! Er, no, no, not that you're not
attractive, but...

Now you've got to ferret about
In my you-know-what. Ha!

R...Right, er, yes, well, you know,
... am a doctor, so It's all...

Par for the course, to use a golfing term.

- You a golfer?
- No, I'm not.

Never mind. Just alm for a hole In one
and It'lL be over In no time at all

- (She chuckles)
- Yes, I need to ask you a few questions.

Yes, of course.
Well, I'm postmenopausal, If that's any help.

And, right, and any associated problems?

Terrible dry vag, so, er...

lube up before you go In, there's a good chap.

Right, right.

Are...Are you still, er...

(Mumbles) ..sex...actlve?

- Are you trying to say sexually?
- Yes, I did!

Are you sexually active?

Well, let's Just say, you won't have to
fight your way through the cobwebs.

I still try to glve myself a bit of pleasure
now and agaln. (Chuckles)

Is that enough Information
or are you still curious?

- (She chuckles)
- I have to ask these questions.

Er, so, If you could Just go behind the screen
and put the gown on, please, miss.

I mean, er, Minge...

- I mean, Miss...MInge.
- (Chuckles)

Don't be nervous, sllly boy!

A trembling hand wouldn't be very professional

Pleasant, perhaps, not professional. (Laughs)

Now, this gown, opening front or back?

- Back.
- Do you want me on my slde or splayed?

Er, side.

- Panties on or off?
- (High-pitched) Off.

I'm ready!

Open for business! (Laughs) As they say.

- I can't do It
- What, love?

WIU you do It?

What's the magic word?

- (Miss Midge) Hello?
- Please.

I can't allow It. I mean, she's not officially
employed here anymore.

Part time on your old wage.

Done! I'll sort the paperwork later.

Go on, woman, a vagina awaits.

- (Miss Midge) Poor boy.
- You did very well

Now, this may be a Uttle cold.

(Mlss Midge, sighing) Hands of experience.

(Sal) Oh, It's so good to be back.

# Out In the fleld where the lark It fles

# Over the earth where my heart It Ues

# Oh, how It sings
when the west wind blows... #

Just go away, OK? Go home.

Do not cross this bridge.

# Oh, how I'm cold, will you let me In?

# If you could hear me speak,
where I would begin?

Just go home!

# Time It Is past now and I roam free

# Is It wrong to wish you still need me?

# Is It wrong to wish you still need me? #

Ow. Ow.

Oh!

Ohh!

Go away, I'm fine.

(Engine humming)

Al right, Tash?

What are you up to?

I'm at Uke...lke a crossroads,

cos although I have got a place
on the drcus skills course,

I have to start Uke making a Uving, you know,
Uke, not Uke belng responsible or anything,

but Uke getting on the ladder or something?

Oh, I'm so sorry I had to be so hard on you.

So, you're going back to work, then?

Well, you know, Just when they're busy.
It's great, Isn't It?

Yeah. Get you out from under my feet.

(Laughs) Ooh.

- Mum?
- Yeah.

WIU you explain agaln
about the house-pricey-mortgagey thing?

- Oh, Tash.
- No, seriously, I want to know.

No, no, you're all right staying here.

No, I want to know.

Oh, all right, but Usten, after Cash In The Attlc.

# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely

# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety

# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely

# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties #